Switch Theme:

Jokes. Grade F jokes.  [RSS] Share on facebook Share on Twitter Submit to Reddit
»
Author Message
Advert


Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you:
  • No adverts like this in the forums anymore.
  • Times and dates in your local timezone.
  • Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance.
  • Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely.
  • Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net.
If you are already a member then feel free to login now.




Made in gb
Fixture of Dakka







 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
There was once a very posh seafood restaurant. You know the type: where you select your own dinner fresh out of the tank. Dinner jackets a must, no trainers… that sort of place. Anyway, the head waiter was a man called Gervais and he was very good at his job, helping customers get over the faint ickiness of picking which innocent creature was to be taken to the slaughter. He could blank out the horror of it all, you see.

I'm sorry, Doc - claiming that someone with Gervais in their name could be very good at their job took me right out of the joke, even if the name was needed for the punchline.

2021 Plog - Here we go again... - my fifth attempt at a Dakka PLOG

My [url=https://pileofpotential.com/dysartes]Pile of Potential[/url - updates ongoing...

Gamgee on Tau Players wrote:we all kill cats and sell our own families to the devil and eat live puppies.


 Kanluwen wrote:
This is, emphatically, why I will continue suggesting nuking Guard and starting over again. It's a legacy army that needs to be rebooted with a new focal point.

Confirmation of why no-one should listen to Kanluwen when it comes to the IG - he doesn't want the IG, he want's Kan's New Model Army... 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Once upon a time, a ship was crossing the Atlantic from the U.K. to the USA, when during freak weather conditions saw its hull embedded in ice.

The Captain and Crew were resigned. This shouldn’t have happened. Nobody had packed suitable clothing.

One the second night, a series of tiny, rhythmic clinks and clanks could be heard. First from a single source, rising to a clamour. Bemused, the Cabin Boy looked over the side, and beheld tiny humanoids on the ice, swing tiny picks and rapidly extricating the ship from the ice. Within only an hour or two, the ship broke free.

The tiny humanoids clambered on deck to properly introduce themselves as the Basques, from Greenland.

Stunned, the Captain asked however he could repay their immense kindness. The Basques chieftain asked if they could come with the Ship, as bored of their homeland they wanted to see more of the world. Their entire tribe had been trying to walk it, when they found the ship in its predicament.

Readily agreeing, on they sailed, eventually making safe harbour in New York.

Needless to say, the few dozen tiny, 6” humanoids caused quite the stir. Sensing an opportunity, the Captain soon, with the Basque’s full agreement, arranged a nationwide tour. The good folk of the USA could meet this remarkable species, and the remarkable species could see ever more of the world.

Business was great, and all involved became wealthy, able to stay in top flight hotels. This was greatly pleasing to the Basques, as they’d discovered an innate love of revolving doors. There was something about the heft and the spin they just couldn’t get enough of. They could regularly be seen push push pushing ever faster, those who’s turn it was to ride howling with glee, egging those who’s turn it was to push to greater speeds.

Eventually, the tour came to Texas. The Lonestar State, where everything is said to be bigger and better, especially if the person saying it is a Texan.

Their hotel in Dallas was absolutely top notch. And best of all, had The World’s Biggest Revolving Door. The Basques couldn’t resist. For once, everyone could get involved, as whilst only small, they previously still had to take turns. As so they indulged. Oh how they indulged! Their indulgence became an attraction unto itself, bringing visitors to the hotel to see the Basques play, which somewhat offset the discomfort of the hotel staff, who softly resented the ongoing draught caused by the revolving door’s frenetic and near constant pace.

Sadly….not all humans are good humans. Disaster struck when a Studio Bigwig, determined to get the Tiny Basques on the Big Screen could wait no longer to discuss it with them once they’d finished riding the revolving door.

His tiny mind saw fit to jam his walking stick in the door to stop it spinning….not giving a thought to conservation of momentum.

Needless to say…it was messy. Tiny, 6” high humanoids went crashing through the glass as their ride abruptly halted. Some were turned to smears of gory paste when they hit walls, others were buttered up the carpet.

None survived. And so the heroic species of 6” high humanoids departed this world.

The moral of the story? Never put all your Basques in One Exit.


Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Leader of the Sept







There is a much less pleasant version of that referencing ETA… yours is much more family friendly

Please excuse any spelling errors. I use a tablet frequently and software keyboards are a pain!

Terranwing - w3;d1;l1
51st Dunedinw2;d0;l0
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

Crispy78 wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"

It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...

Thanks for that, I figured it had to be a British thing. The punch line from the rabbit joke must be like that too; it went over my head.

My armies (re-counted and updated on 4/26/22, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~18000 | Space Marines (Blood Ravens and others): ~900 | Space Wolves: ~5000
Astra Militarum: ~800 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1100 | Imperial Knights: ~1300 | Sisters of Battle: ~4300
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Total models painted in 2021: 114 | Total models painted in 2022: 18 | Current main painting project: Imperial Knights
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in gb
Leader of the Sept







More Auzzy, yet somehow the deliberate use of a bio weapon against invading species caught the imagination of uk joke writers

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myxomatosis

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/14 20:42:23


Please excuse any spelling errors. I use a tablet frequently and software keyboards are a pain!

Terranwing - w3;d1;l1
51st Dunedinw2;d0;l0
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






 ZergSmasher wrote:
Crispy78 wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:


And it goes to show that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid.


For all you foreign dakkanauts - for years, the tag line of Fairy washing-up liquid adverts was "hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green Fairy liquid"

It's burned into the memories of Brits of a certain age...

Thanks for that, I figured it had to be a British thing. The punch line from the rabbit joke must be like that too; it went over my head.


Mixing-My-Toasties = Myxomatosis

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in de
Charging Orc Boar Boy





Germany

Thanks for explaining!

Damn I got as far as "hands that do dishes.." and the green stuff rang a bell.

Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course) and one of them is explaining how good the new "Palmolive" dish washer is for your hands. The other housewive is not impressed and sceptical, until she is reminded by the other that she "actually, your just bathing your hands in it! "


PS: I just found out it was a thing internationally, "You're soaking in it"

   
Made in si
Ravenous Beast Form







 Moscha wrote:

Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course)


Reminds me of


Posters on ignore list: 34

40k Potica Edition - 40k patch with reactions, suppression and all that good stuff. Feedback thread here.

Gangs of Nu Ork - Necromunda / Gorkamorka expansion supporting all faction. Feedback thread here
   
Made in us
Keeper of the Flame





Monticello, IN

 Moscha wrote:
Thanks for explaining!

Damn I got as far as "hands that do dishes.." and the green stuff rang a bell.

Over here we had a seemingly similar annoying ad with two housewives (of course) talking about the dish washer they use (most common thing to talk about betwwen housewives of course) and one of them is explaining how good the new "Palmolive" dish washer is for your hands. The other housewive is not impressed and sceptical, until she is reminded by the other that she "actually, your just bathing your hands in it! "


PS: I just found out it was a thing internationally, "You're soaking in it"



Good ol' Madge, helping with skin softness since the late 70's/early 80's

www.classichammer.com

For 4-6th WFB, 2-5th 40k, and similar timeframe gaming

Looking for dice from the new AOS boxed set and Dark Imperium on the cheap. Let me know if you can help.
 CthuluIsSpy wrote:
Its AoS, it doesn't have to make sense.
 
   
Made in gb
Aspirant Tech-Adept





Northumberland

How does a non-binary murderer kill their victims?

They/them

One and a half feet in the hobby


My Adeptus Mechanicus Painting Log:
# The Explorator Fleet of Labrunnia IX #

 
   
Made in us
Dakka Veteran





Lebanon NH


This really is my favorite thread on Dakka, hands down!

Okay, time to go from a lurker to a poster:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says:

"What is this, a joke?"

   
Made in de
Charging Orc Boar Boy





Germany

What are Luigi's and Marios's trousers made of?

Denim, denim, denim.
   
Made in gb
Leader of the Sept







 Moscha wrote:
What are Luigi's and Marios's trousers made of?

Denim, denim, denim.


Love it!

Please excuse any spelling errors. I use a tablet frequently and software keyboards are a pain!

Terranwing - w3;d1;l1
51st Dunedinw2;d0;l0
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
   
Made in gb
Tzeentch Veteran Marine with Psychic Potential




dorset

leerm02 wrote:

This really is my favorite thread on Dakka, hands down!

Okay, time to go from a lurker to a poster:

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says:

"What is this, a joke?"



three men walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds, with a tedious inevitability......

Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an` Tommy, 'ow's yer soul? "
But it's " Thin red line of 'eroes " when the drums begin to roll
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's " Thin red line of 'eroes, " when the drums begin to roll.
"Tommy", Rudyard Kipling
Exporitor force kappa-Tercia 500pts Coven of XVth 1000pts
Western Host 1500 pts Watch Company Rho 1000pts
 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman walk into a bar and have some convivial drinks before returning to their respective homes.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Leader of the Sept







From my son’s recent Beano

I couldn’t work out how to use my seatbelt. And then it clicked.

A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame!

Please excuse any spelling errors. I use a tablet frequently and software keyboards are a pain!

Terranwing - w3;d1;l1
51st Dunedinw2;d0;l0
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
   
Made in gb
Regular Dakkanaut




A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar and the rabbit says - I think i'm a typo!
   
Made in si
Ravenous Beast Form







A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank and the rabbit says - I think i'm a type o!

Posters on ignore list: 34

40k Potica Edition - 40k patch with reactions, suppression and all that good stuff. Feedback thread here.

Gangs of Nu Ork - Necromunda / Gorkamorka expansion supporting all faction. Feedback thread here
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Some visual gags.




Automatically Appended Next Post:
How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

Pantene.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/19 15:58:37


Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

Pantene.

Ayy, I'm not British but I understood that one!

Anyway, there were these two cannibals busy eating a clown. One of them asked the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"

My armies (re-counted and updated on 4/26/22, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~18000 | Space Marines (Blood Ravens and others): ~900 | Space Wolves: ~5000
Astra Militarum: ~800 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1100 | Imperial Knights: ~1300 | Sisters of Battle: ~4300
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Total models painted in 2021: 114 | Total models painted in 2022: 18 | Current main painting project: Imperial Knights
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut





 ZergSmasher wrote:
 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
How much does Cockney Shampoo cost?

Pantene.

Ayy, I'm not British but I understood that one!

Anyway, there were these two cannibals busy eating a clown. One of them asked the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"


Two clowns are eating a cannibal, one turned to the other and said, “I think we got this joke wrong”.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2022/05/20 12:05:29


 
   
Made in us
The Conquerer






Waiting for my shill money from Spiral Arm Studios

Two cannibals are eating a baby wookiee. One turns to the other and says "This is a little chewie isn't it?"

Self-proclaimed evil Cat-person. Dues Ex Felines

Cato Sicarius, after force feeding Captain Ventris a copy of the Codex Astartes for having the audacity to play Deathwatch, chokes to death on his own D-baggery after finding Calgar assembling his new Eldar army.

MURICA!!! IN SPESS!!! 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






What does a Cannibal serve with Curry?

Nans.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

Two cannibals are deciding how to divide up a body that they want to eat. They agree to each start at one end and work their way toward the middle, so with that settled they start eating. A little while later, the cannibal at the head end asks the other one, "How're you doing over there?" The other one enthusiastically answers, "I'm havin' a ball!" to which the first cannibal says, "Slow down! You're way ahead of me!"

My armies (re-counted and updated on 4/26/22, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~18000 | Space Marines (Blood Ravens and others): ~900 | Space Wolves: ~5000
Astra Militarum: ~800 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1100 | Imperial Knights: ~1300 | Sisters of Battle: ~4300
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Total models painted in 2021: 114 | Total models painted in 2022: 18 | Current main painting project: Imperial Knights
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in fr
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

This one is shamelessly stolen from novelist David Quantick's Twitter account:

I met Mick Jagger once at a party and he wouldn't talk to anyone unless they had a packet of peas in their hand. I asked him why and he said, "Peas allow me to introduce myself."

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






Stolen humour is entirely allowed. Especially with due credit given

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Leader of the Sept







I don’t think we should be critical. We Definitely need to give peas a chance.

Please excuse any spelling errors. I use a tablet frequently and software keyboards are a pain!

Terranwing - w3;d1;l1
51st Dunedinw2;d0;l0
Cadre Coronal Afterglow w1;d0;l0 
   
Made in gb
Ridin' on a Snotling Pump Wagon






 Flinty wrote:
I don’t think we should be critical. We Definitely need to give peas a chance.


That’s just appeasement.

Fed up of Scalpers? But still want your Exclusives? Why not join us?

Pfizer vaccine administered 13:40pm 18 Feb 21. Still no second head. Second jab 13:35pm 6 May 2021. At the Masonic Hall. 
   
Made in gb
Longtime Dakkanaut




Guy walks into a bar.

'Ow'...

greatest band in the universe: machine supremacy

"Punch your fist in the air and hold your Gameboy aloft like the warrior you are" 
   
Made in fr
Veteran Inquisitorial Tyranid Xenokiller





Watch Fortress Excalibris

Did you know pease pudding was originally a Roman dish?

They created a dessert and called it peas.

A little bit of righteous anger now and then is good, actually. Don't trust a person who never gets angry. 
   
 
Forum Index » Off-Topic Forum
Go to: