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Life’s been challenging lately, and I find myself in need of a smile. I’m not usually a “joke” guy, but I’m asking for jokes, so I’ll give away one that always makes me smile...
A bear and a rabbit both happened to be taking a poop behind the same bush. The rabbit was a tad uncomfortable, being a prey animal but also due to the robust nature of his companion’s untidy droppings. The bear was a bit embarrassed, noting the tidy nature of the rabbit’s evacuations. Timidly, the bear asked the rabbit, “Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?” Feeling particularly uncomfortable speaking to a predator while doing his business, the rabbit replied with a curt, “No Bear, I do not.” “That’s good,” replied the bear...
Spoiler:
then he picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.
I smile every time. So now it’s your turn.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2019/07/09 04:25:52
I think my favorite joke of all time is the old "guy in a flood refuses rescue, god will protect me, goes to heaven, god asks what the hell are you doing here I sent you like three rescues" joke. Tried, but classic
For me it's a family in-joke, something accidently created by my-then 6 year old brother who mixed up two jokes in a horrific manner:
"A Son, A Father and A Grandfather all walk into the woods...Guess which one came back!"
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2019/07/09 21:16:08
Bender wrote:* Realise that despite the way people talk, this is not a professional sport played by demi gods, but rather a game of toy soldiers played by tired, inebriated human beings.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes on his way.
Some years later, the same man again breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allow him to stay in the VIP quarters. And that night, he hears the same strange noise that he heard years earlier.
The next morning he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at Parris Island and undergo several weeks of torturous training. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breathe the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp and advanced infantry training and is assigned to a Marine Expeditionary Unit. He is sent to fight in two small wars and three police actions.
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he heard that strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, country, and the Corps."
The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the base commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The base commander gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The commander gives him the key and he opens the door, only to find behind it a door made of rubies. He demands another key from the commander, who provides it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphires. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved no end. He unlocks the door and turns the knob, and behind that door, he is amazed to find the source of the strange sound.....
Spoiler:
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.
From George Carlin's airline announcements bit:
"It's time to get on the plane."
"Feth you, I'm getting IN the plane! There seems to be less wind in here!"
"Through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see.
One chants out between two worlds: Fire, walk with me." - Twin Peaks
"You listen to me. While I will admit to a certain cynicism, the fact is that I am a naysayer and hatchetman in the fight against violence. I pride myself in taking a punch and I'll gladly take another because I choose to live my life in the company of Gandhi and King. My concerns are global. I reject absolutely revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method... is love. I love you Sheriff Truman." - Twin Peaks
Ooooohhh too hard to think of just one. I have...a....very dark sense of humour so me posting them here might not be a very good idea lol
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth." Attelus Kaltos.
My story! Secret War
After his organisation is hired to hunt down an influential gang leader on the Hive world, Omnartus. Attelus Kaltos is embroiled deeper into the complex world of the Assassin. This is the job which will change him, for better or for worse. Forevermore. Chapter 1.
The Angaran Chronicles: Hamar Noir. After coming back from a dangerous mission which left his friend and partner, the werewolf: Emilia in a coma. Anargrin is sent on another mission: to hunt down a rogue vampire. A rogue vampire with no consistent modus operandi and who is exceedingly good at hiding its tracks. So much so even the veteran Anargrin is forced into desperate speculation. But worst of all: drive him into desperate measures. Measures which drives Anargrin to wonder; does the ends, justify the means?
Like most people I like offensive jokes, jokes I wont repeat here, this is because offensive jokes are based on triblism and schadenfreude which are hard wired triggers to our brains built in since our ancestors banged rocks together.
Clean jokes are comparatively boring but if delivered well have great effect. Sadly too few so called comedians today know how to tell clean jokes, and some can only do schadenfreude. To tell the difference sit with your back to the screen and listen to a comic while on TV, note the inclusion of laughter sound files as well as live audience laughter. With some the difference will be very stark as if you had never heard the 'comic' before as you listen to what is in effect a stream of abuse. Sometimes you will find a real comedian, yes real comics tell dirty jokes and even some tribalist and schadenfreude jokes too, but heavily mitigated by humility and self aggrandizement. Any true comic will first poke fun at themselves, which is the second test.
For nearly all my life I had the privilege of knowing a true professional comedian, Ken Dodd, sadly missed.
Here are some of his one liners from his 52 year career, and yes, it was very much how he told 'em:
“I used to think I was marvellous in bed – until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”
“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.”
“Honolulu has got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother…”
"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move."
"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'."
"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'."
"They stole that idea from me" - Referring to the Inland Revenue and self-assessment of income tax.
- Thank you Ken, see you on the other side.
n'oublie jamais - It appears I now have to highlight this again.
It is by tea alone I set my mind in motion. By the juice of the brew my thoughts aquire speed, my mind becomes strained, the strain becomes a warning. It is by tea alone I set my mind in motion.
Saw a great (if incredibly geeky) one the other day.
A man goes into a library and asks if they have anything on Pavlov's dog or Shrodinger's cat. The librarian says it rings a bell, but he doesn't know if they have it or not.
Waiting for my shill money from Spiral Arm Studios
A bunch of friends were having a bbq one Saturday,
when one of the guys longingly watched the host's dog lick his balls.
"Jeez, I'd love to be able to do that." The host then said,
"Well, you better ask him first, he's kinda mean....."
Self-proclaimed evil Cat-person. Dues Ex Felines
Cato Sicarius, after force feeding Captain Ventris a copy of the Codex Astartes for having the audacity to play Deathwatch, chokes to death on his own D-baggery after finding Calgar assembling his new Eldar army.
You'd think ONE of them would have seen it and ducked.
A streaker ran past three nuns who were sitting on a park bench.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun wasn't quick enough.
I'm OVER 50 (and so far over everyone's BS, too).
Old enough to know better, young enough to not give a ****.
That is not dead which can eternal lie ...
... and yet, with strange aeons, even death may die.
A man was lying in bed with his new girldfriend. After a great round of lovemaking she just spent the next hour caressing his balls.
"I love doing that", she said
"Why?" asked the man
"I just really miss mine" replied the girlfriend.
Bender wrote:* Realise that despite the way people talk, this is not a professional sport played by demi gods, but rather a game of toy soldiers played by tired, inebriated human beings.
My armies (re-counted and updated on 11/7/24, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~16000 Astra Militarum: ~1200 | Imperial Knights: ~2300 | Leagues of Votann: ~1300 | Tyranids: ~3400 | Stormcast Eternals: ~5000 | Kruleboyz: ~3500 | Lumineth Realm-Lords: ~700
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Board Games blog | Total models painted in 2024: 40 | Total models painted in 2025: 23 | Current main painting project: Tomb Kings
Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote: You need your bumps felt. With a patented, Grotsnik Corp Bump Feelerer 9,000.
The Grotsnik Corp Bump Feelerer 9,000. It only looks like several bricks crudely gaffer taped to a cricket bat.
Grotsnik Corp. Sorry, No Refunds.
Heresy World Eaters/Emperors Children 
~16000 Astra Militarum: 
~1200 | Imperial Knights: 
~2300 | Leagues of Votann: 
~1300 | Tyranids: 
~3400 | Stormcast Eternals: 
~5000 | Kruleboyz: 
~3500 | Lumineth Realm-Lords: 
~700
