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What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?






You can tune-a piano but you can't piano tuna!!

nfe wrote:

 AndrewGPaul wrote:
The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

This joke is predicated on a Little Rich Jew stereotype. Is that ok...?

I guess we'll find out. I didn't find it offensive, myself, but it did remind me of another Texan and Jew joke:

A Texan and an Israeli were waiting at an airport when they began to talk. It turns out they are both farmers.

The Texan said, "My acreage is so large that I can get in my car in the morning and drive until sunset and still be on my farm."
The Israeli replied, "I had a car like that once."

.....well, I was ninja'd.


A slightly more edgy joke:
One day Herschel looked over his friend's shoulder to see what he was reading on his phone. He was shocked and dismayed. "Solomon, you're reading Stormfront? Why are you reading Stormfront??"
Solomon thought a minute and replied: "I used to read CNN, but it was so depressing. The economy sucks, people are suffering, our children have no hope, anti-semitism is on the rise, and it seems like we Jews can't catch a break. But when I read Stormfront, we have all the money, make all the movies, and control the whole world! How great is that?"


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 NinthMusketeer wrote:
What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?






You can tune-a piano but you can't piano tuna!!

I'm still stuck on the tub of glue.

Out in the forest there's a fly above a stream, looking at a bit of food floating on the water. It's thinking "If I go down to the water's surface, I can get that food."

But there's a fish watching the fly, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can eat the fly."

Yet there's a bear watching the fish, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food and the fish comes up to get the fly, I can lean over and catch that fish."

And there's a hunter watching the bear, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear leans to catch the fish, I can shoot the bear."

Further, there's a mouse watching the hunter, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear leans to catch the fish, and the hunter focuses on shooting the bear, I can steal his sandwich."

Finally, there's a cat watching the mouse, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear leans to catch the fish, the hunter focuses to shoot the bear, and the mouse scurries out to steal his sandwich, I can pounce to get the mouse."

The fly, blissfully unaware, buzzes down to get the food. The fish darts up and gulps down the fly, at which point the bear swipes it out of the water only to be shot by the hunter, while the mouse scurries out and grabs his sandwich. The cat pounces, misses, and slides into the water.

Moral of the story?

What did the fish say when he jumped out of the water and hit a wall?

Dam.

A slightly more edgy joke:
One day Herschel looked over his friend's shoulder to see what he was reading on his phone. He was shocked and dismayed. "Solomon, you're reading Stormfront? Why are you reading Stormfront??"
Solomon thought a minute and replied: "I used to read CNN, but it was so depressing. The economy sucks, people are suffering, our children have no hope, anti-semitism is on the rise, and it seems like we Jews can't catch a break. But when I read Stormfront, we have all the money, make all the movies, and control the whole world! How great is that?"

This is pretty damn funny.

I think I've seen one with a similar format, but the names in the joke was Jesus ("Hesus") and Ceasar, the website is InfoWars and its instead about how Latinos can bring down any country at will

What's black and white, and red all over?

Germans have no sense of humour. I will try anyway. Here we go:

Three old ladies enter an empty public swimming pool and begin to swim. The first lady leaves the swimming pool after 1 hour. The male bath keeper is astonished about her impressing performance. She notices his baffled look and tells him the following:

First Old Lady: "I was a national swimming champion in my prime."

The second lady leaves the swimming pool after 2 hours. The male bath keeper is even more impressed by her performance.
She notices his bewildered look and tells him the following:

Second Old Lady: "I was an European swimming champion in my prime."

The third lady leaves the swimming pool after 3 hours. The male bath keeper is amazed by her performance but before she can say anything he decides to be a smartass and confronts her directly:

Bath Keeper: "Let me guess, you were a swimming world champion in your prime, didn´t you?"

But she just shakes her head in denial and replies:

Third Old Lady: "No, I was working in Venice as a prostitute and had to swim the whole day just to visit my clients."

 Strg Alt wrote:
Germans have no sense of humour.

There's this:

 Easy E wrote:
Is this a good place to post the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

No.

The original joke it's based on is vaguely amusing if it's told well. Changing the protagonist into a space marine just makes it nonsensical.



My all time favorite :.

A horse walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A priest and a bus driver arrive before St. Peter at the same time. St. Peter tells the bus driver he can go right on into heaven. When the priest moves to follow the bus driver, St. Peter holds him back. "Not you."

The priest is astonished. "But I have always been humble and holy. He is uncouth, careless and quick to anger! Which of us has saved more souls."

St. Peter replied, "When you gave a sermon, everybody fell sleep; when he drove, everybody prayed."

Did you hear the one about the baby boy born with no eyelids?

They flew in a world-class surgeon to perform a cutting-edge operation where he used the boy's circumcised foreskin to create new eyelids and graft them on.

The surgery was a resounding success - except the boy grew up to be a little cock-eyed.

Reminds me of a “Bobbitt” joke.

Famously, Lorenna Bobbit cut off her husband’s penis. What is lesser-known is that testimonial from a witness had to be discarded.

The joke is fairly drawn out... Lorena is driving away with the penis when she throws it out the window and hits a lady right in the eyes. When the lady later identified Lorena, her testimony was discredited because of her vision impairment... she was cock-eyed at the time.

 AndrewGPaul wrote:

 Strg Alt wrote:
Germans have no sense of humour.

There's this:

Spoiler:

Speaking of Germans in humor:



(spoiler'd because Robin Williams and HBO level language)

I wish to die peacefully in my sleep like my uncle the bus driver

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?



Six shots of Jagermeister.

 Just Tony wrote:
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?



Six shots of Jagermeister.

That's a classic that makes the civilized part of me hate the snort-chuckle it still raises out of me.

Another oldie but goodie:

A private was devastated to receive a Dear John letter from his fiance telling him she was in love with another man and asking for her photo back. Understandably miffed, the private went around to the rest of his platoon and collected every picture of their girlfriends and sent it back in a large envelope containing both hers and the other girl's pictures. Attached was a letter:

Spoiler:

“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Why are pirates, pirates?

They just arrrrrrrrr.

Why do mathematicians hate the number 288?


I'm not sure either, but they say it's too gross.

I tend to find humour a lot funnier when someone doesn't have to be made fun of because of a collective attribute. If the joke works perfectly fine without ethnicity, why include it in the first place?

A man jumped off the Pont Neuf. He was in Seine.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A nurse gives a patient a general exam, finishes, goes to write up the chart, pulls a rectal thermometer from her pocket and swears: "Some donkey-caves got my pen".

 AlmightyWalrus wrote:
I tend to find humour a lot funnier when someone doesn't have to be made fun of because of a collective attribute. If the joke works perfectly fine without ethnicity, why include it in the first place?

A man jumped off the Pont Neuf. He was in Seine.

IMO, I'm ok with "stereotype humor" up to a point. . . I mean, a Jewish person making "Jew jokes" is funny. Another random person, especially if they start to really ride those jokes too much makes you start wondering. But the best stand up comics (a subjective term to be sure) can take even a racial/nationality based topic and make it relatable. George Lopez and Jeff Foxworthy spring to mind, as a lot of their routines involved their family, but were delivered in such a way that, even tho Mr. Lopez is talking about Mexicans, I can relate because incredibly similar stuff happens in my family as well.

This one from the Primaris Lieutenant Twitter:

Ultramarine walk into a bar.
Raises It.

Walking Dead joke in German derived from a meme or what those young rascals call ´em. Don´t worry, I´ll provide the translation & explanation:

Ric Grimes:"Carl, warum können Piraten den Flächeninhalt eines Kreises nicht berechnen?"
"Carl, why are pirates incapable of determining the area of a circle?"

Carl Grimes:"Papa, ich will es nicht wissen."
"Dad, I don´t want to know."

Ric:"Weil sie Piraten, Carl."

Ric:"PIRATEN!"



Explanation:
Pi: Mathematic constant.
raten: German verb (engl.: to guess)

I don't think that joke translates well.

"To guess" would make more sense in english if the joke was that pirates are very good at determining the areas of circles.

 Grey Templar wrote:
I don't think that joke translates well.

"To guess" would make more sense in english if the joke was that pirates are very good at determining the areas of circles.

No.

Piraten can´t determine the area of the circle because they always try to guess/raten Pi instead of applying it as a constant. Makes sense if you view it in that way.

 Grey Templar wrote:
I don't think that joke translates well.

"To guess" would make more sense in english if the joke was that pirates are very good at determining the areas of circles.

That happens a lot with German. It's a language and people that are much given to puns. As part of an Irish reenactment group it was a learning experience being amongst germans as they joked. One German would start the joke, another would yell out a one word punchline, and the whole group would crack up. Even if you could figure out the punchline by itself you still had no idea what was going on.

Let´s have another German joke. Though this works best when told to a woman and it is even interactive. So grab your sister, girl friend, wife, female colleague, female stranger on the bus etc. and have fun together. Here we go:

Dude: "Why do women like men with Waschbrettbäuche?" (Waschbrett, engl.: wash board; Bäuche, engl.: Bellies; Waschbrettbauch, engl.: six pack)

Dudette: "I dunno. Looks good on men?"

Dude:"WRONG! It reminds them of their domestic duties."

So, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a talking bear all walk into a bar.

And the barman says

Did you here about the Scotsman that took time off work with the cold?