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purplefood wrote:A lord Commissar obeying regular Commissars?
Even going by regular ranks that's obviously absurd...

Carrus killed a Lord-Commissar earlier, you know he had the notion of executing Ionza, so I have zero problem seeing him ordering around a Lord-Commissar as he could draw rank on the chap due to Selpid, Kelkaris and Harken. But I thought you stopped to comment after the ridiculous thing you did on the DCM-thingy. Also I would rather harp over how poor my wording is, and my many, many bad spellings I did (I'm mortified over how horrid it was reading it in hindsight. I tried to edit it, but it was too much). Also with Carrus and Ionza I'm trying to get to how horrid doting over students can be, yet how rewarding. They are the reward with the whippings. But then again you only see the bad, and not the good in them. Look at Harry Potter f.ex. Dumbledore is more than happy to see past the many errors of Harry for reasons unexplained, and that's what I tries to capture.

I will edit it of course when I'm more sober.

As for Trondheim and Cavash, thank you for the kind words, I will try to edit at least, and write more shortly. I can't wait for you Cavash to post some of the exploits of Archon Cavash here on Dakka.

Yeah, editing and proofreading can be really irritating, but it's worth it in the long run.

I'm looking to more!

Cavash wrote:Yeah, editing and proofreading can be really irritating, but it's worth it in the long run.

I'm looking to more!

Is it ever? In this case it's a freaking nightmare. But I expect much of myself.

Glad to hear from you, looks forward of hearing about Archon Cavash once more, he is a great char for Warhammer 40.000, same with his son. Must admit it has been a while since I have thought about them.

Well, I've started proofreading my stoy over on TDC, and it is mind numbing. It is showing good results, though.

It's good to hear from you too, and thank you for the compliments. I return them to your own, especially Carrus. I think his morals, or the morals he has towards Ionza and children, are admirable. It's good to see them in a Commissar.

Haha yeah it's freaking torture.

I like Carrus as he is a man who dislikes to pull the trigger, but still does it. As for his feelings for Ionza, mention any foul words addressed at her, and have him cave in your skull regardless of rank (which he proved when he caved in the skull of a Lord-Commissar as soon as he landed on Tanibus Alpha).

I think we should take our long-term-agendas with our chars privately, as me spoiling what would happen with Carrus and Ionza and who I plan to die would be too much of a spoiler.

lol, agreed. Spoilers are never good!

Anyhow, good luck.

Heh, this is still going, good.

I will make 'Bloodhunt 2: When Vindicare's attack', it's only a matter of time..

Beaviz81 wrote:

purplefood wrote:A lord Commissar obeying regular Commissars?
Even going by regular ranks that's obviously absurd...

Carrus killed a Lord-Commissar earlier, you know he had the notion of executing Ionza, so I have zero problem seeing him ordering around a Lord-Commissar as he could draw rank on the chap due to Selpid, Kelkaris and Harken. But I thought you stopped to comment after the ridiculous thing you did on the DCM-thingy. Also I would rather harp over how poor my wording is, and my many, many bad spellings I did (I'm mortified over how horrid it was reading it in hindsight. I tried to edit it, but it was too much). Also with Carrus and Ionza I'm trying to get to how horrid doting over students can be, yet how rewarding. They are the reward with the whippings. But then again you only see the bad, and not the good in them. Look at Harry Potter f.ex. Dumbledore is more than happy to see past the many errors of Harry for reasons unexplained, and that's what I tries to capture.

I will edit it of course when I'm more sober.

As for Trondheim and Cavash, thank you for the kind words, I will try to edit at least, and write more shortly. I can't wait for you Cavash to post some of the exploits of Archon Cavash here on Dakka.

Didn't stop reading. Just stopped bothering to comment.
Despite the fact that Perkustin's comments were incorrect we knew you weren't gonna bother listening to us anyway...

I listened to a certain degree purplefood. I got rid of the Space Marines, even though mutants seems like such a minor thing to know. The melta-frags went out the window as well. Of course I won't change the core of it, with over-doting teachers and how weary Carrus and Ionza are due to everyone relying on them from an early age. I will consider alterations which doesn't seem like spit-takes however.

Chapter XVI.

The horde of daemons with human cultist-support swarmed towards the compound. The about one hundred Kasrkins, Freudakians and Tanibusian defenders who had mottled into a unit took a brave, but hopeless defense. Them voxing for help didn't help the artillery-units had come under direct attacks and were falling back.

The Promitium Silver-grenades tore great holes in the packed horde of daemons, yet one of the Bloodletters reached the Imperial position. Carrus swiftly got on his feet after he had covered behind a ruined arsenal.

The demon was too fast and with blinding speed charged towards a Kasrkin who was firing plenty of hotshot lasgun-shots trying to snipe an Arbitrator Judge in power armour, yet he failed as time and time again a follower got the blast. The demon snarled as it was mere feet from him charging in almost from behind.

"Not so fast demon-boy." Carrus exclaimed as he blocked the stroke from the Hellblade on the Kasrkin with his own sword, making the Kasrkin yelp strangely high-pitched due to the shock of first the demon charging him, then the commissar coming straight out of the shadows blocking it.

The Bloodletter was out of balance due to the blow it had just had Carrus parrying. The meltagun held in his other hand swirled the demon off it's feet, and before it had time to respond the jet-black sword pierced it's heart obliterating it.

Not far away Jarcar held back demons and mortal follower of the Blood God all but alone. He opened up portals of the warp sucking in demon after demon. Yet he eventually met his match. A huge Bloodthirster came storming towards him and the other defenders.

"Lady, have the lads covering me. I will take on that huge thing!!" He called out loudly to her, just as chain-lightning erupted from his hands, killing droves of humans, while demons were tossed back into the warp.

"BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD-" The Bloodthirster suddenly stopped. Jarcar let a smile play across his misshapen lips. "Here but no further follower of the red God." He then started to wringe it like a wet towel. What only himself, Ionza, Kelkaris and Carrus knew was that the feedback from taking out such a mighty beast on his own via psychic powers would most likely be fatal.

She upheld her part of the bargain, leaving the longlas not too far behind, drawing both her pistols. Her bolter snapped again and again, each time hitting a Bloodletter sending it straight to hell. While her laspistol underpowered as it might be shot beam after beam, they she directed at her mortal opponents trying to press through the breach in the wall. One shot one kill. Even the Kasrkins were impressed, and they slaughtered foes in the dozens each as they were more than formidable marksmen and women themselves. With the Kasrkins she was able to press the advantage nearing the hole in the wall, despite having to reload her bolter again and again.

Jarcar on his side wresting with the Greater Daemon started to show cracks. The permient evil such a presented meant that he was starting to age prematurely as it bellowed and howled against the human psyker who opened a warp-portal right behind it. Boils in many colors started to show on his face, the Bloodthirster's eternal rage was more than just a mere mortal could contain, yet he continued the mission bringing the portal closer to the demon which was totally locked in the stasis as Jarcar not only had to contain it, but also had to penetrate the many wards of anti-psychic abilities.

He shivered, starting to mutate on his own. "Shall I kill him?" Cavenaugh asked pointing his bolter straight at Jarcar. He looked nervous as Kelkaris gave Ionza covering-fire. He turned away from the front to Cavenaugh. "No, I trust Ionza will do that, this is her mess, continue to fire at the enemy Lord-Commissar." The man obeyed immediately taking aim with his boltgun, resisting the temptation of trying to shoot her as she and the Kasrkins she had been raiding with came running back towards cover leaving many traps behind them as the fell back.

The Bloodthrister finally disappeared into the void Jarcar summoned behind it. He closed it, but then was subjected to it trying to possess him. He feel to his knees on the dirty pavement, he looked up, a bit over fifty meters Ionza saw it. Despite being on the run she fired one bolt at Jarcar, shattering him, catching a small glimmer of a twisted smile as she knew he willed it. She then whispered, while a tear slowly ran down her left cheek. "Goodbye my friend, hope you find the peace the Emperor denied you in life, in the afterlife by his side."

A Kasrkin heard her mumble that. She approached. "Commissar, you really cared for him." They covered together behind a tall wall, who had been a barrack, but now was little more than rubble for the Kasrkins to cover in. Ionza smiled a sad smile back as she reloaded her bolter, looking at the Kasrkin. "Jarcar is an Imperial Saint now." She sighed. "And he deserved better than the treatment you gave him, that is not by any means forgotten." She looked mournful across the blasted walls of the former base.

They soon darted across the broken base reaching the small building were the medics had holed up with their injured, they were soon joined by Kelkaris and Cavenaugh.

The Kasrkin following Carrus eventually ran out of luck as he exposed himself finally getting the traitor judge directing the cultists. The shot cleaned out the helmet of him sending him slumping against the wall. Then a furious amount of heavy bolters roared to life slamming into his position, with Carrus only managing to take refuge in an overturned and burning Leman Russ hindered him meeting the same grisly fate as the man's arms and legs came loose, his head was torn off as well, and still in the corner of his eye he saw the chap getting chopped to even more pieces as more bolter-shells and lasgun-blasts hit him.

Carrus climbed out, snatching the hotshot lasgun before he darted off with the gun rapidly enveloping himself in his cloak to hide himself from the spread enemy gunfire that they tried to direct upon him. While he cursed that he couldn't avenge his fallen comrade.

"Use the adrenalin medic." Kelkaris stood over where they had laid down Willem while Ionza and Jamesson lended sniper-support to the soldiers of the Imperium slowly trickling into the small part of the facility which was left standing if not unscaved. "Inquisitor, it can kill him." Saffron Hendrix the Karskin field-doctor looked nervously up at Kelkaris, who just nodded. She then injected a needle full of adrenaline-fluids into the man's bloodstream.

Willem woke up gasping, his eyes was blood-shut. He was in total shock, right as he woke up Carrus entered the room. "You-you f-fiend, y-you took the commissar.." He panted heavily as several Kasrkins had to hold him down. Carrus calmly went over to him with a surly gleam in his eyes as it pained him seeing Willem like that.

He glanced into the eyes of Willem. "Ah the mind-wipes have lost it's grip, heh they tend to do that under extreme duress." He looked sad at the struggling Willem. "Indeed young commissar I have even seen Space Marines go nuts after it, so it's not a pretty affair by any means. Where did you know that by the way?" Kelkaris spoke, looking interested over at Carrus. "Where shall I begin?" Carrus brought up his left index-finger. "Harken." The middle-finger got up. "Headmaster Natrax." His thumb went up. Selpid of course." His face changed from one of fondness and fine memories to one of sadness. "Also there were the run-in I had with the mind-wiped Horus-priest on Heritage. If they had only had executed him instead of trying to reform him with mind-wiping." He then glared straight at Kelkaris. "I can divulge the whole story to you Inquisitor, but in private, if you don't mind."

Kelkaris smiled back in a saddened way. "It's okay young commissar." "WHAT?!! Nothing is okay!!" Willem roared back to life, two Kasrkins got tossed away. Carrus immediately snapped into action grabbing Willem by the throat, while his sword pinned the powered arm of Willem to the wall lifted him up before he brought his own face to the face of Willem. "Listen up Willem, I'm no demon. See this sword?" Willem turned slightly and glanced down at it. He nodded. "That prevents demons from possessing me, it's the Bringer of Insanity, blank powered sword." Willem nodded, so Carrus relaxed his grip.

"Now, we are surrounded by armed bastards, and demons of that red god that have a fetish for skulls and blood, and who paint their butt red." Willem grinned slightly from Carrus insulting Khorne in such a manner. "But what we need is a way out-" Carrus was interrupted by Willem who smirked. "Nothing more?" Carrus shook his head as Willem got away from the grip of Carrus. "Then watch this." He powered up the fist to maximum and then struck the alter dedicated to the Emperor. The marble was smashed to pieces. With Cavenaugh looking rather shocked of the lowly PDF-sergeant desecrating a symbol of the Emperor.

Up came his bolter. "Who the hell do you think you are boy?!! You have just destroyed-" He rapidly lost his footing as Kelkaris kicked out the legs under him. "Look the PDF-sergeant is saving our bacon, and I don't like you pointing your bolter at any troopers." Carrus immediately drew his laspistol and followed suit pointing it straight at Cavenaugh lying on the stone-floor. He glanced over to Willem who boxed through a large slab of stone.

Willem was the first one in, advancing with his bolter, then Carrus came in following him, with the rest of the lot coming in later, with Ionza, the Freudakians and Jamesson was their rearguard setting up all sort of traps as they went along.

"Don't go there." Carrus nudged Willem to the side in the dimly lit underground hallway, up came a monofilament knife as he kneeled down. "Double mined, clever bastards." Then he placed an empty discarded can of unknown origin upon the stone. "Hopefully none of the guys are stupid enough to kick this." He then hissed to Willem. "Tell me were are the Deathstrikes, and can we reach them?" He continued to whisper as they waited for the main-unit to catch up with them. "Yes commissar, it's quite a walk, but the place is overrun." Shaking of the ground under them revealed that the melta-charges sat by the Freudakians had gone off collapsing the tunnels. "Looks like we got a reprieve, but the demon will have the humans dig up so time is running out."

A shade of worry passed over the face of Willem. "The Deathstrikes, you plan to..." He trailed off as Carrus nodded, they both knew they were committing suicide and only those two knew about it. "Well we all have to die some day, so why not today?" Willem smiled with a strain, his injuries sustained still slowed him down, and Carrus tagged along just to look for the traps as he was the best scout of the few Imperial soldiers down under the base.

They snuck off after marking any traps Carrus discovered, even though Willem rapidly learned the art himself watching Carrus silently dispatching two sentries with monofilament knives near the entrance leading down to the Deathstrike facility. Then he brought his meltagun to bear and executed the door. Inside what met him got him to exclaim. "By the Emperor, this is insanity!" The officers responsible for launching the Deathstrikes all had followed a different god, they laid dead, all killed in different ways, but by each other. Yet one were not quite dead yet. As Carrus entered the room sweeping over the room with sword and melta he leapt at him.

The putrid smells filled the air as Carrus threw him off, half the face were gone, the man managed to send Willem flying into the wall on the outside so he passed out when he mist-timed his attack. Yet this allowed time for Carrus to recover even as he slipped at the blood and gore-covered floor. To his shock he saw the man had the remains of a commissar-uniform on,

"Come on join me in worshiping Grand-" That was as long as the commissar came before he slammed Carrus into the wall almost striking him with his powered fist. "No thanks, the god of being a living corpse have no appeal to me dead man." Carrus snapped back as he got the powered fist under control but at the expanse of loosing his grip on the Bringer. His meltagun was then brought up to the chest of his foe. It clanked against the cerapace. Carrus fired it, it was too close, he was sent flying due to the full force of the recoil hitting him head on smashing him into the roof. Of the traitor, nothing remained but the powered fist.

Carrus landed on the floor with a splash, and then further humiliation followed with some of the concrete also landing on him getting him to curse loudly while he kicked one of the bodies caving in the head as he got up, swiftly retrieving his weapons.

"Hey Willem, are you okay?" Carrus called out from inside the room. He had already gone to work with the machine, priming the Deathstrikes. Willem reentered. "Sure commissar, I'm fine, but my back is killing me." He used his non-augmented hand at his back. "You met commissar Loyd I see." He grinned at Carrus as he saw the remains of his regimental commissar but got quite serious as he saw the hole in the wall besides the controls. "Commissar Carrus, can you discharge your melta again, just a little nort-east of the spot where you executed commissar Loyd?" "Why?" Carrus answered disinterested still flickering with the controls trying to time a launch of the atomic weapons. "Look." Willem pointed, they saw the bottom and a Fleur-de-lys. "Mother mercy." Carrus mumbled it before he again discharged his melta. Now it was all appearing to them. They stared right a a Fleur-de-lys at a sloping direction with black downwards sloping plasteel were uncovered.

Another cool chapter, Beaviz.

I shall read it again when I'm less tired so I can make a better, more coherent comment.

Cavash wrote:Another cool chapter, Beaviz.

I shall read it again when I'm less tired so I can make a better, more coherent comment.

Thank you.

I waited a while for it, along with your answer on my PM. Within 24 hours I will post a new half of a chapter.

Carrus blasted the black adamentum again with his meltagun. Dozens of empty canisters which Carrus had loaded into his meltagun time and time again as hundreds of blasts from the gun slowly ate away at the metal. Four times he had postponed their doom, and Inquisitor Kelkaris had been informed of his insane plan for suicide as there looked to be little else to do as enemies had them boxed in down there.

Meanwhile Kelkaris led a desperate fight to break out from the confined tunnels underneath the military complexes. The tunnels were of concrete constructs with pale lightning coming from rods in the roof, along with plenty of blast-doors at fixed intervals.

Opposing the Inquisitor and his men and women were thousands of Tanibusian PDF-ers, conscripted civilians who swarmed at the Kasrkins and Freudakian soldiers, while the traitor commissars whipped the scared men, women and children forward in human wave-attacks while heavy bolters shot down anyone who dared to retreat, or that was the plan. Instead most of the commissars got shot at extreme ranges by Ionza, usually in the head. More than one heavy bolter had been captured by strike-teams led by Kelkaris who drew the fire from the traitors while the Kasrkins achieved their objectives. Though their effectiveness was going down due to ammo-shortage as more and more were forced to use ordinary lasguns leaving their hotshots near Carrus. Additionally Carrus had been given all the ammo of the meltagunners as he tried to blast a way out for them.

"Finally." Carrus shouted elated into the vox even as his gas-mask muffled his sound. He exited the control-room, meeting up with sergeant Kasparec of the Freudakians. He glared right into the brown eyes of the rather large man about forty of middle build. "Have you gotten the volunteers sarge?" Kasprec just nodded as Carrus removed him mask. Carrus looked at a female Kasrkin, he sniffed at the air. "Can't use you, you are menstruating, any Tyranids down there and we are torn to shreds." Kasparec hadn't even been aware of she being a female, never a pretty one, which he saw when she removed her helmet, then spoke with a sweet voice. "Sorry sir, I just-"

Carrus held up his hand. "Look girl I said I needed volunteers who ain't virgins, menstruating or pregnant due to knowledge that demons and beast alike prefers them for reasons I don't even wanna speculate about." His voice were harsh, same with his expression. He hated when people disobeyed him, as he gesticulated to impress on her how important the knowledge he had was while a Freudakian soldier was attaching him to the climbing rope with an easily detachable military-grade climbing-brake which was hooked onto his heavy gun-belt. The rope was fastened to a roof-beam and then the rope was attached to the climbing-break installed at him.

The young commissar leaned over to the nearby voxer whispering. "The password will be me musing for a bottle of Freudakian red." He paused a bit. "Understood?" The voxer nodded. "Good." Carrus gave him a friendly clap on the cheek before he went over to the small room.

He started his decent into the darkness beyond, rapidly sliding down until his booted feet the dusty floor with a soft thud, giving two swift tugs as the rope as the sign for the soldier holding the rope to withdraw it. He had landed inside a chapel. His eyes quickly adapted to the dark. Around him laid several skeletons in blackened power armour. All with the marks of several bolt-shells embedded in them. The chapel was enormous. The ceiling was fifteen meters above him, Carrus rotten wood which once had been benches were lining the ancient chapel, the black adamentum-construct made it difficult to see the walls. He cared little for worshiping, instead he swiftly began searching through the room rapidly, invisibly and without a sound. There were nothing there. Eventually he reached a switch. He flicked it.

Some of the ancient lighting-rods exploded as they were re-ignited for the first time for at least one millennia. "Man I so much want and deserve some Freudakian red now." With that comment the three Kasrkins descended into the dimly lit hall themselves. They landed with more sound than Carrus. "By the mercy of the Emperor." One of them a slight little female wimped as she looked around the madness that had transpired there so long ago. "Hush girl, we will find the source of what drove the Daughters of the Emperor insane, and then burn their bodies." He turned his back on her. "Prayers to the Emperor for the dead are optional." He said that phrase as he quickly advanced over an elaborate Fleu-de-lys in sparkling colors at the middle of the chapel, closing in on the black cerapace-doors at the other end of the large hall where hundreds if not thousands of Sorortitas had once attended daily messes, praying to the Emperor. Now the hall was silent save for the commissar leading two men and one woman towards the door.

Carrus was the first to reach the door, the Kasrkins placed themselves without being told in perfect ways to cover him, he smirked a bit over their ability as he opened the door after he had checked it for booby-traps. He entered a long hallway, along the black marble was numerous doors or openings where doors had rotted away a long time ago. He rapidly found the switch, he turned on the light. Again it dimly lit up the corridor.

"Get in the rest private Murdoch. This place likely ain't infested, but be cautious, something drove those most holy servants of the Emperor insane so don't touch anything." The two remaining soldiers nodded as Murdoch went back to get the rest of the troopers down. The scene was the same, bolter-shells had impacted upon the walls and the skeletons of dead Sororitas laid spread across the corridor. They were so old that they were gray, and as the wimpy girl found out, even stepping near a skull made it collapse into dust.

They fanned out looking through the different rooms. Most were just room for servants of the Church. Sparsely furnished, a metal-bed, a shower, a chair with table if trusted. Or as Carrus believed a Sororita so she could maintain her equipment at her own quarters.

The soldiers of the Imperium were pushed back by the weight of numbers from their enemies. The heavy bolters Kelkaris had drawn so much fire from when they got them was rapidly disabled by the Imperials as they retreated. Even Ionza sniping droves of men did little, but over one hundred promising young champions of Khorne laid dead on the floor.

Finally she spotted the leader, he was of imposing stature. An Arbitrator judge in black power armour. His face was covered by his helmet, he was completely sealed up. Ionza had a short opening, she couldn't even go for a more powerful magazine. The range was extreme. She took aim, and fired. The man fell to the floor with a resounding sound. She had felled him with a shot right into his left eye. Then she abandoned her position as she got a vox from the Freudakians, they were ready to collapse the corridor with explosives.

The explosion was still rumbling behind her as she met up with Kelkaris and the rest of the soldiers. The wounded were getting prepped to be lowered down as she stopped before the Inquisitor with a perky smile. "Looks like we got a reprieve my liege." He nodded. "Yeah Commissar Ionza, the feedback from down there is to be careful, the Sororitas killed eachother." Ionza's smile disappeared. "The Sororitas butchered themselves? Carrus have given the order?" "Of course girl, and it's an order I have indeed all intentions of making an Inquisitorial one." Kelkaris then raised his voice. "Listen up, this is Inquisitor Kelkaris speaking. Down there don't touch anything, the Sororitas murdered eachother and we don't know why yet."

Meanwhile Carrus had gotten reinforcements which he searched through the differencing rooms with. It was more of the same. The kitchen even had several boxes of canned edibles. "Commissar Carrus." A soldier hissed into the vox. "Carrus here." He answered quickly as he covered behind a stove. "Ehm I just wondered if me and one other soldier could try making some food." The response from the soldier came fast. Her voice showed she expected her suggestion to be shot down. "Positive. We have over a dozen wounded and need nutrition so go ahead soldier, infact take three more with you and fire up the stoves." The answer came fast as he was off searching through other rooms and corridors still finding the odd power armour with a fragile skeleton inside.

Eventually more floors were discovered, nothing were seen. Carrus withdrew from the search entering the mess-hall. It was still dusty, but the soldiers had at least gotten the dust away from where they were eating. He quickly approached Ionza and Kelkaris, not managing to hold back a snicker as he saw a number of broken spoons on the floor under Kelkaris while Ionza were spoon-feeding him. A soldier even handed him a pitcher of water. "Is this tap-water." Carrus asked quietly. The helmet-less Kasrkin nodded. Carrus looked insecurely back. Remembering that hives had water not even fit to anything in. The Kasrkin let a smile go over his scarred face. "Relax commissar Carrus, the pollution-rod showed us that the water-quality couldn't be better." He then took a sip of water from his own pitcher as Carrus got back to the Inquisitor and his mate.

"Status-report Carrus." Kelkaris growled to Carrus who got seated opposing him. "We have found little of value Inquisitor, but I want to know about the weapons of the Sororitas, so Cavenaugh might be of use since he uses a boltgun." Kelkaris nodded and Carrus then turned raising his voice. "Lord-Commissar, over here." He waved Cavenaugh over to their table. Cavenaugh quickly got seated. "Look Lord-Commissar, I think you should test the bolters, and test them for functionality as our men has very little ammo left." Cavenaugh looked insecurely over to Ionza and Kelkaris then spoke. "This is insane, he want to take the weapons from the most holy-" Kelkaris cut him off, the eyes were piercing through the soul of Cavenaugh. "I seconded the idea Lord-Commissar, so eat up and then you shall do what Commissar Carrus have suggested." Both the two young commissars giggled a bit as he was put in place yet again.

Later Cavenaugh stood with about ten Imperial soldiers in a hallway they had made into a makeshift firing-range. "Okay girls, load the holy boltguns in the way i showed you." The soldiers adhered quickly inserting the magazines. "Now pull the firing pin to prime the weapon." Loud clicks came as the weapons got ready to fire. "Fire!" The soldiers sent away a swathe of bolts hitting empty tin-cans which had been involved in making meals a little while earlier.

Ionza, Carrus and Kelkaris meanwhile were breaching the throne-room. Carrus had luckily found some melta-ammo from slain Sororitas so he shot open the door. The evil from inside the throne-room could be felt by all around them. Carrus and Ionza immediately drew their swords making Kelkaris shiver from the pain of their swords. "This is something new, is it a demon Carrus?" Ionza whimpered out the answer. "Sort of." Carrus shrug, he rapidly entered the room. He quickly pushed several power armours away. Then he reached a book. It was a grox-hide book of shifting colors. It was of middle size, he struck it with his sword before setting it ablaze. A howl of pain and terror followed. He looked at the hypnotizing flames a bit. Eventually he sheathed his sword.

Kelkaris entered the exquisite room, beautifully decorated with Fleur-de-lyses lining the walls, the ceiling had images of the Emperor and many a Primarch. Near the edge was was a throne of gold with a slumped mummified figure sitting at it. Still the fine walls was marred by bolt-shots and melta-blasts from the past, plus the passing of time had taken it's toll. "Tell me Carrus, you seems familiar with the book." He pointed right at the young man who smiled back at him. "Okay we are dead men and women anyway, so ladies and gentlemen gather around your favorite commissar shall now tell you one of the great secrets of the Imperium." The young man ignited yet another lho-rod as the soldiers save for those engaged in other duties entered the room.

He then began the story. "The book is an exemplar of Lexicana Supernaturlis, it's a book I received from Inquisitor Selpid. One of those assassins, you know the ones you want to shoot-" Carrus explained, until Kelkaris interrupted him. "The assassin you are referring to is a Culeux Assassin, it's our foremost weapons against the demons and Tyranids. I have used them at occasion myself, but go on." Carrus then continued. "Not even you Michelle knew about the book, I was under orders from Selpid which the Culeux conveyed to me." He saw her worried face. "That explains you strong-arming Master Natrax into having all members of that patrol brought to separate Penal Legions. I never understood that."

Carrus smiled back at her. "That was easy, I simply told him I was under orders from Selpid and he dared not opposing me." Ionza looked shocked at Carrus. "You ain't usually keen to waste the life of good men my love." She spoke shocked as the stood right next to him removing a glove, letting her hand stroke his chin. "I was under orders to kill them, I upheld my morals and adhered to the order with my actions." He didn't smile. "The book itself is just a book written in paper, it ain't corrupted, but the things inside it slowly corrupts it due to the evil described. Only blanks can safely handle such a book after a while, but I suspect the Sororitas thought they were pure enough of heart to handle it anyway...cause...." He bent down, picking up a shell-casing, showing it to Kelkaris. "If I'm not mistaken this is a psy-casing." Kelkaris looked surprised at Carrus. "Yes it is indeed. These must have been demon-hunters as there are no other explanation for this foul thing to be in their midst, and that explains the corruption of the planet."

"Do you think the Rosariuses and powered weapons are corrupted as well Kelkaris?" Ionza spoke now. Kelkaris just shook his head. "No their owners just got insane, they didn't turn to the ruinous powers." He then raised his voice. "Take anything you can use, Rosariuses, ammo, powered weapons." He then laughed harshly. "This is our tomb, so we just as well can die well-equipped. Oh and should we survive this, then you are all induced into my Inquisitorial Storm-Troopers, and might be subjected to mind-wipes." Then Ionza spoke. "Heyh sergeant Kasparec." She got his attention. "Catch!" She threw a blue-glowing power sword to him, then a Rosarius followed. "Now you are as well equipped as your senior commissars sarge." He caught the equipment. "Thank you lady." The rest rifled through the Sororitas, most discarded their lasguns for the boltguns, soon sounds of bolters were heard from the hallway as they had one of the most expensive firing-drill ever had, learning to shoot with psybolt-ammo.

The searches of the remaining base proved fruitless, dusty corridors with a few skeletons here and there. It wasn't until the team of Jamesson found a large blast-door of adamentum something which seemed exciting was found.

Meanwhile at the surface. Stremm tried to have an offensive at the section where Carrus, Ionza and Kelkaris was. But it bugged down, as over 15 million heretics had overrun the area. Harken was in the middle of it. He was covering behind a broken building watching droves of enemy dead got replaced over and over. Lightning fighters and Maurader bombers swarmed the area. Heavy bolter teams from the Cadian regiments sat up in excellent firing-positions to blast the rebels, yet they were forced to fall back. Harken grabbed a passing Cadian soldier. "Name and rank please?" He bellowed to the private. The man shivered. "Private Campbell sir." Harken relented his grip, fifteen shouting cultists emerged from the ruins infront of him. He mowed them down with one of his bolters. Fifteen shots fifteen kills. "I-I know you, you are Commissar-General Nathan Harken, the savior of a dozen worlds." Captain Murray of the Cadian regiment came over. He was of fair complexion with broad features, a hair-cut not a far cry from Harken's own. The age was in the late thirties. His uniform was mattered like Harken's. He was quite tall yet Harken towered over him.

Murray made a quick salute to Harken who gave a small nod back. "The status Commissar-General we are beaten back, I assume half-" Harken grabbed Murray, covering with him inside a broken casino as the Imperial bombers started to sweep the area. "There is a time and place for everything. Sound the retreat, we can't take them now, and need to fall back to better defensible positions." He went out with him. Rotten cultists of Nugle came at them, they were soon reduced to stinking wall-paint by the bolters of both Imperial officers.

Harken then switched his vox-beads to general setting. "Commissar-General Nathan Harken speaking. Fall back to sector Alpha-Delta-Theta, sector Alpha-Delta-Victor is considered overrun. I repeat, fall back to sector Alpha-Delta-Theta. Commissar Harken out." He hated himself for giving the order, but fifteen thousand men could only hope to blunt the attack of millions, and he had today lost over 1000 Shadow-Tigers.

The snipers under McLandi scored many hits, delaying the disorganized opposition severely allowing the Cadians and Freudakians to fall back without being surrounded.

Another place Stremm and his command-staff was desperately laying plans. They stood with a pict-cast of the city in their center. "Looks colonel Stremm, we can't hold the sector. We must fall back." Stremm's jaw twitched. He hated this, the nicely dressed generals watched the huge man. "Commit the conscripts, I don't care how many of them who dies, but they need to be-" He was cut short by a messenger bursting into the. A general immediately snapped. "A blasted private get him-" Stremm slammed his power-fist into the table making the war-room shake. "Let him talk." The messenger paused for a moment catching his breath. "My lords, the western front is annihilated by the Dark Eldar. They came out of no-where. Millions of soldiers have died. Fourteen regiments lost." The generals froze in shock. "Arm the civilians, what's the status of my commissars general Howard?" He leaned over to the Kasrkin.

"You mean the commissars Carrus and Ionza I assume?" Howard began as Stremm nodded. "I'm sorry to report they are missing in action alongside many of my Kasrkins. Commissar Harken is also missing in action going after them, and only Higgins of your commissars is accounted for." Stremm nodded in resignation. He had given up far too many lives to rescue Carrus, Ionza and Kelkaris. He grabbed his heavy bolter. "Howard you are under command of the army, I go to face my destiny as nobody who looses an Inquisitor survives for long." He exited the room, taking in the blasted place. His eyes closed as he was convinced he would die attempting to rally the western front by himself. Rain started to pour down, drenching him and anyone else nearby. Not long from where he was he saw refugees huddling together.

"Soldiers. Draft anyone between 12 and 65. Give every three of them a weapon, and tell the rest to pick up weapons on the way. Is that understood?" Stremm went straight up to the escorts for the refugees. He scowled looking at the nervous soldiers. One of the soldiers answered. "Sir arming the civies, is that wise? There can be cultists-" He was interrupted by Jatme. "Look the colonel gave you an order soldier, now you do it." She looked angry at him, behind her with his longlas over his shoulders came Higgins. He then spoke. "I don't like arming civilians one bit, but I still think it can be done, so round'em up. We are going hunting some Xeno-scum." The comment sounded braver than he were. They had been split from the force commanded by the Inquisitor when the massive cultist army hit them.

Out came his whip. The scared civilians screamed as they tried to flee. "Look everyone between twelve and sixty-five is drafted to the Imperial Guard. One gun for every three persons." The whip crackled in the air. "NOW WOULD BE Nice." Higgins screamed. Soldiers came up grabbing parents from their children. Whole families met the rough rifle-butts of the Imperial Guard. Jatme almost got pale as she saw her husband Higgins leading the press-ganging. "This ain't fast enough." He drew his laspistol, he fired it ten times at the scared crowd. Ten bodies, men, elderly, women and children fell. He made the families move quicker as he with a roaring voice screamed. "More delays means more executions, and I have more ammo on me." Even Stremm averted his eyes from the brutal methods of the man as a Chimera got up to fetch him and his command-staff. Jatme followed it mournfully with her eyes before Higgings snapped her back to attention.

"Junior-Commissar Jatme, execute this one and set and example." The man grabbed a small boy, he showed the boy over to her, the laspistol was still in hand. She closed her eyes, and drew her own laspistol, she fired it. Then she heard a thud as the body hit the dirty pavement. She opened her eyes. She was screaming. "Get your asses moving or I will take out ten more just to make you run faster!!" The pair quickly rounded up over five thousand civilians, whipping them over to the armory were soldiers gave out outdated autoguns to every one in third, while the rest got a piece of ammo. Then they were marched to the front-line. The ones moving to slow were executed either by the commissars or the professional soldiers who knew they would face the firing-line if they didn't do that. The main street of Hell Pit got a new name in that brutal way. The Highway of Sorrow as in the following days Jarcar and Higgins marched down over a million men and women for them to be wasted in the costly war Stremm waged against the Dark Eldar. Over 1000 bodies lined the miles as people were executed by the marches the commissars ordered. Yet countless more died as Stremm used them to retrieve more advanced wargear and they were severely lacking in training, but it spared him causalities of his better soldiers who could whittle down the numbers of the Dark Eldar, and he noted that even a Succubus could be overwhelmed as one were taken down despite slaying over 200 humans in gory and scary ways, yet one failed dodge meant she was impaled on a sword an elderly woman had picked up. Her victory was short-lived as a Dark Lance disintegrated her. The Dark Eldar eventually was beaten back, but for a truly horrendous cost in human life. Yet very few good soldiers were lost, only mainly armed civilians.

Nice one Beaviz.

To point out one thing though, the guard seem to be killing the civilians in a borderline Khornate manner, with that amount of killings, I'd be very much on the look out for both severe uprisings, which may lead to more bad guys, and even some Imperial forces being called in to take the murderous 'good guys' down.

Just IMHO though.

Thank you TRL.

I try to represent the black and blacker morality of the setting with my writing. At one hand it seems brutal to press-gang civilians to charge ahead. But Stremm basically has two kind of soldiers, elite troopers like Karskins and Freudakians and untrained civilians. He can go down as a hero, condemning billions of civilians to Commorragh by committing all his soldiers in stopping them and failing. Or he could commit the civilians into bloody battles as meat-shields and distractions from his real soldiers and win the war.

Also they are extremely poor fighters as many doesn't even survive the march. And the troopers knowing their artillery-strikes are doomed to kill thousands of civilians for every barrage grows cynical (I mean Carrus happily launches nukes just to go out with a big bang). I must admit that my heroes has slid down the slippery slope when it comes to be being nice, but they are fighting something far worse and doesn't care anymore of the means to achieve success, and the corruption is already rampant I mean 15 millions faced 15.000. I see your point though as my chars has passed a few moral event horizonts with their actions. I really look forward to writing a chapter of the varying degrees of PTSD my chars shall suffer under, but there are no times for breakdowns as there are enemies around every corner, and when not they are exterminating the too old too fight to relieve the supply-lines (nevermind the thought of them abandoning them to the Dark Eldars) as a non-combatant is not a priority for those people. It's hell in Hell Pit.

That's perfectly fine then.

Just don't be surprised if your characters get suspicious looks from the higher-up's.

They don't seem to have any higher ups barring an Inquisitor they let boss them around for no real reason...

Well at this point, I'd think that Inquisitor would be getting rather fed up and suspicious..

Probably not...
At this point they wouldn't care how something is done.
Any kind of subtlety has long since been abandoned.
But that's implying the two protagonists have been nice enough not to shoot them off-hand for looking at them funny or something equally arbitrary...

The reason is a High Inquisitor purplefood. Also Kelkaris is in support of the heavy-handed methods as he knows the cost of saving everyone. That cost him 100 billions later on due to Genestealers, and he has bitter enmity to the Space Marines because of it. He reveals that information to Carrus in a bid to execute a soldier under his command. Only Carrus pleading with him causes him to abandon that line of thought, and mind you he was the one pressuring a hesitant Carrus into beheading the old civilians. I have tried to remedy the treatment he receives from them, as that actually was a better point. Now I have re-done some of the dialogue and having them suggest ideas to him instead, even though Carrus and Ionza technically only have to answer to High-Inquisitor Selpid which is so mighty that he only answers to the High Lords of Terra, but he is a background character for me. He basically grants my two protagonists a planet for them to rule, that's a major point for me in this mess.

Just because they are following orders from a High Inquisitor doesn't mean they can attack and threaten a Lord Commissar who was merely doing his job...
It also doesn't mean they can back chat another Inquisitor.
No Inquisitor has power over another barring those with orders from a triumvirate.
In fact Inquisitors don't even answer to the HLoT... technically anyway...
The planet thing is also fairly strange.
They're what? Early 20's? They have hardly done a thing that means they deserve an entire planet unless you count executing whoever they find that is breathing in a disagreeable way. (Ignoring the balls out insane stuff you seem to make them do constantly)

purplefood, you should try reading some of the insanity in Ciaphas Cain, if I were to follow that route Greater Daemons would run around screaming in terror getting pursued by Carrus, nevermind insanity everyone who post fluff makes. Everyone have people going over the top at different stages in regards to their heroes.

The thing with them getting a planet has to do with birthright, and for unknown reasons the Inquisition chose to back that claim as Carrus and Ionza are holding the planet alive, and sure I know my writing ain't perfect, but I write for myself first and foremost, then for people that actually likes it. I don't care so much for people that thinks it's cruddy, but harping about what my chars can do. Have you read any literature whatsoever? Game of Thrones had teenagers leading armies, nevermind Jamie taking out the finest knight at just 15. Harry Potter, gang of teenagers against the mightiest wizard ever. Wheel of Time. Heyh a blacksmith's boy gets wolf-like powers, nevermind the awesomeness Rand accomplishes early on. Ender's Game nuff said. Sure I can be criticized for following them, and being nothing new under the sun. At least my chars are adults, though very violent as I don't bother packing it in describing the really ugly stuff (which with Ciaphas Cain only happens behind the scenes the executions of civilians and such, even though they gleefully looks at Arbites going at peaceful demonstrators). The drafting of the civilians actually I got from Armageddon, where anyone over 7 was ordered into the battleline against the orks.

Also in regards to that Lord-Commissar, he endangered them to artillery-strikes. That they couldn't abide with, and lets say it was an Inquisitorial order, plus both could essentially pull rank on him due to Harken. I should have used Grandmaster-Inquisitor for Selpid as that's more in line with his authority about the sector and why Kelkaris choose to be a bit humble near his representatives. So there you have it all explained.

Beaviz81 wrote:purplefood, you should try reading some of the insanity in Ciaphas Cain, if I were to follow that route Greater Daemons would run around screaming in terror getting pursued by Carrus, nevermind insanity everyone who post fluff makes. Everyone have people going over the top at different stages in regards to their heroes.

Ciaphas Cain is very mortal when it comes to things like that.
He survives by cheating during his fights...
So far your Commissar has killed at least 2 greater daemons and gone toe to toe with a DE grand-archon (Or whatever his title was).

The thing with them getting a planet has to do with birthright, and for unknown reasons the Inquisition chose to back that claim as Carrus and Ionza are holding the planet alive, and sure I know my writing ain't perfect, but I write for myself first and foremost, then for people that actually likes it. I don't care so much for people that thinks it's cruddy, but harping about what my chars can do. Have you read any literature whatsoever? Game of Thrones had teenagers leading armies, nevermind Jamie taking out the finest knight at just 15. Harry Potter, gang of teenagers against the mightiest wizard ever. Wheel of Time. Heyh a blacksmith's boy gets wolf-like powers, nevermind the awesomeness Rand accomplishes early on. Ender's Game nuff said. Sure I can be criticized for following them, and being nothing new under the sun. At least my chars are adults, though very violent as I don't bother packing it in describing the really ugly stuff (which with Ciaphas Cain only happens behind the scenes the executions of civilians and such, even though they gleefully looks at Arbites going at peaceful demonstrators). The drafting of the civilians actually I got from Armageddon, where anyone over 7 was ordered into the battleline against the orks.

Have i read any literature whatsoever?
Considering i'm waiting for English Literature A level results i should damn well hope so...
I'm not saying you don't make them special just tone it in a lot. Currently they are total masters of weaponry above even members of the Astartes and the Dark Eldar. It's kinda pointless reading the action scenes because it's obvious what's going to happen. All the bad people are going to die and the good guys will be totally untouched.
The drafting of civilians is fine to be honest... though it'd make more sense if it was actual drafting and not just sending unarmed civilians out and about...

Also in regards to that Lord-Commissar, he endangered them to artillery-strikes. That they couldn't abide with, and lets say it was an Inquisitorial order, plus both could essentially pull rank on him due to Harken. I should have used Grandmaster-Inquisitor for Selpid as that's more in line with his authority about the sector and why Kelkaris choose to be a bit humble near his representatives. So there you have it all explained.

If the commissars have a problem with being endangered then they need to find a new job...
They still can't pull rank on him...
No matter what rank their super special bestest friend in the world they can't pull rank on someone who outranks them. That's not how an army works and it is totally out of order for a commissar since they are the ones who are supposed to be keeping discipline within the regiments. Now if they had a reasonable order from an Inquisitor for it that might make sense but even if they had an order it would still have to be reasonable, a commissar's first duty is to the discipline of those under his jurisdiction (Usually not more than a regiment).
If you really wanted him dead you could simply make him a much older lord commissar and say his mind snapped under the strain of his long years in command. Then the slightly less trigger happy commissar could relieve him of duty.

I have to say, pretty much everything purps has said makes sense, and is pretty sound advice if you want to make your fluff more believable.

You should have read the chapter about him fighting a Greater Daemon of Slaanesh. I think I did a far better job than Sandy Mitchell in that regard about the demon-fight as that demon basically spent the chapter first murdering Khorne Berzerkers (by picking them up and squeezing them to death just like a toddler would do if your let a hamster into it's crib), then she dropped the ball and elected to do irrational things like lusting for the soul of Cain, licking the arm of another commissar and run around in circles screaming in terror while the IG present put pot-shot after pot-shot on her (I have seen Giants in WHFB acting more coherently than that Keeper of Secret, but it's one of the worst written demon-battles I have read). Nevermind that Cain himself dominates not just Khorne Berzerkers in CC but also manages that against a Space Marine Tech-Priest of a loyal chapter and scraping his chest with his chainsword in a sparring-match.

I'm sorry that the action-scenes seems boring for you, I see your point however, but I also wanted Carrus to be established as one of the finest fencers in the IOM from an early age as such skills are not something you just learn, you need natural skill as well. So I added the weapons early on as gifts from a Tech-Priest (which is partly my explanation for them getting away with being in a relationship on the Schola, and their rather free choice of weapons and wargear plus Harken helps them every time they are in hot waters which is a lot due to their heavy disciplinary-reports, which they were never punished for). Plus the sword Carrus wields powers him to an unknown degree, which I have explained with soul-binding to the weapon as I have dropped the guys I originally wanted to be the equalizers in the Space Marines, but my penchant for killing them made me drop the Space Marines. As for their weapons, they got them from an early age, and showed talent with them. It's pointless reading any action-scenes with main-chars in any series if you take that approach, and it's a lie that Ciaphas Cain cheat as much as you claim to, mostly he adopts a defensive move-pattern with his chainsword (he does that almost as much as he drinks tea) and then the opponent makes a mistake and he strikes. And it's not true the most complete monsters Dirach'Nyrr and Archon Dagoth is still very much alive, I plan to write more about their heinous deeds as they are the creatures of utter villainy, which I indeed have longterm plans for. And should they die, they can just resurrect.

I think I have killed four Greater Daemons thus far, one by a Dark Eldar Succubus, one by Carrus after it slaughtered almost everyone he was with and he did it with fire and silver (I kidnaps things from Conan a lot), there were a KOS I think Ionza ordered in an air-strike on and it was the Bloodthrister that Jarcar tossed into the warp and happily died before it could possess him.

No sensible soldier would want to receive a shelling, that's why he is stripped of his uniform, but I see your point, he can be nutty enough to order his men to march in a straight line facing enemy fire or something like that. Also Carrus is the head-commissar of the Zylvanian regiment as Harken has appointed him (normally a young commissar is a junior commissar who has the jurisdiction of a platoon or something like that, not a rather senior rank, but Harken elected to give him a senior rank no matter what, never mind as I interpret it, the lower graded cadets must serve in commissar training-squads). Plus with the messy battlefield in my writing your rank doesn't really matter anymore. Cadians, Fredaukians, Zylvanians and Tanibusians has lost all cohesion and form rag-tag units due to the many complete routs inflicted upon them by the Dark Eldars nevermind the demons and cultists all over the place, and the Lord-Commissar serves in the PDF, so there is a natural enmity between Cavenaugh and Carrus and Ionza. Commissars are known to execute their local counterparts for overstepping their authority.

I wasn't aware that you took a literary course purplefood nevermind having an A-grade, anyway the sources I have based my writing upon is at times over the top, I must admit that and the same goes for my writing at times as well as I don't rank myself highly as an action-writer, I'm far better at writing more peaceful stuff. So give me examples of how I shall tone things in. That help would be appreciated. Criticism is okay to a certain degree, but I need pointers instead of complaints.

Beaviz81 wrote:You should have read the chapter about him fighting a Greater Daemon of Slaanesh. I think I did a far better job than Sandy Mitchell in that regard about the demon-fight as that demon basically spent the chapter first murdering Khorne Berzerkers (by picking them up and squeezing them to death just like a toddler would do if your let a hamster into it's crib), then she dropped the ball and elected to do irrational things like lusting for the soul of Cain, licking the arm of another commissar and run around in circles screaming in terror while the IG present put pot-shot after pot-shot on her (I have seen Giants in WHFB acting more coherently than that Keeper of Secret, but it's one of the worst written demon-battles I have read). Nevermind that Cain himself dominates not just Khorne Berzerkers in CC but also manages that against a Space Marine Tech-Priest of a loyal chapter and scraping his chest with his chainsword in a sparring-match.

Cain was a commissar for a long time before that however. His natural talent is improved upon by intensely rigorous training and experience.
The KoS was driven a bit panicky by the blank in the room. The berserkers that had charged in beforehand didn't have that protection and so were easy prey for the KoS' powers.
Incidentally Cain manages to keep the berserkers away from him before they get nailed by a meltagun blast. Keeping an axe away from you isn't all that hard when it comes down to it.
Both the blank and the meltagun count as cheating if you ask me... which is perfectly reasonable.

I'm sorry that the action-scenes seems boring for you, I see your point however, but I also wanted Carrus to be established as one of the finest fencers in the IOM from an early age as such skills are not something you just learn, you need natural skill as well. So I added the weapons early on as gifts from a Tech-Priest (which is partly my explanation for them getting away with being in a relationship on the Schola, and their rather free choice of weapons and wargear plus Harken helps them every time they are in hot waters which is a lot due to their heavy disciplinary-reports, which they were never punished for). Plus the sword Carrus wields powers him to an unknown degree, which I have explained with soul-binding to the weapon as I have dropped the guys I originally wanted to be the equalizers in the Space Marines, but my penchant for killing them made me drop the Space Marines. As for their weapons, they got them from an early age, and showed talent with them. It's pointless reading any action-scenes with main-chars in any series if you take that approach, and it's a lie that Ciaphas Cain cheat as much as you claim to, mostly he adopts a defensive move-pattern with his chainsword (he does that almost as much as he drinks tea) and then the opponent makes a mistake and he strikes. And it's not true the most complete monsters Dirach'Nyrr and Archon Dagoth is still very much alive, I plan to write more about their heinous deeds as they are the creatures of utter villainy, which I indeed have longterm plans for. And should they die, they can just resurrect.

The fact they are never punished is fairly unrealistic...
Especially seeing as they apparently outright murdered half the damn scholam.
Commissars are trained to keep order and discipline. They are trained to hold themselves to the same standard. There are exceptions but they do not prove the rule.

I think I have killed four Greater Daemons thus far, one by a Dark Eldar Succubus, one by Carrus after it slaughtered almost everyone he was with and he did it with fire and silver (I kidnaps things from Conan a lot), there were a KOS I think Ionza ordered in an air-strike on and it was the Bloodthrister that Jarcar tossed into the warp and happily died before it could possess him.

I know i read him going toe to toe with at least 3. That's too much. Greater daemons are not summoned out of hand, great effort is made to prevent one being summoned or destroy one once it has been summoned. At the very least there should be less of them and they should put up a larger fight when they are encountered...

No sensible soldier would want to receive a shelling, that's why he is stripped of his uniform, but I see your point, he can be nutty enough to order his men to march in a straight line facing enemy fire or something like that. Also Carrus is the head-commissar of the Zylvanian regiment as Harken has appointed him (normally a young commissar is a junior commissar who has the jurisdiction of a platoon or something like that, not a rather senior rank, but Harken elected to give him a senior rank no matter what, never mind as I interpret it, the lower graded cadets must serve in commissar training-squads). Plus with the messy battlefield in my writing your rank doesn't really matter anymore. Cadians, Fredaukians, Zylvanians and Tanibusians has lost all cohesion and form rag-tag units due to the many complete routs inflicted upon them by the Dark Eldars nevermind the demons and cultists all over the place, and the Lord-Commissar serves in the PDF, so there is a natural enmity between Cavenaugh and Carrus and Ionza. Commissars are known to execute their local counterparts for overstepping their authority.

No sensible soldier no. The Imperial Guard doesn't recruit based on that and commissars sure as hell don't care what soldiers think. Their job is to ensure their charges do as they're damn well told. If a Guard regiment is ordered to march into the Eye of Terror there will be a commissar shooting anyone who dares to turn back and he won't think for a second about his own life. Your rank in writing does matter in a messy battlefield. In fact it's one of the few things that does in those situations. Imagine if a guardsman could override a Colonel or a Lord-General just because the battle lines got a bit messy? It would be chaos. One of the few things still holding the Imperium together is the usually Iron discipline of the Imperial Guard because that's what they do. They hold the line and they die there if they have to. Commissars can execute another commissar if they overstep their authority but even then a Lord Commissar has boundless more authority than a regular commissar. A Lord Commissar has authority over battlegroups and armies where a regular commissar might have authority over a regiment at most. Incidentally a Lord Commissar becomes a Lord Commissar through incredible feats on the battlefield, it's not something that just happens eventually. It'd be likely one placed in charge of the PDF of a planet would be nearing retirement and incredibly respected in the ranks of the commissariat considering he survived his own heroics...

I wasn't aware that you took a literary course purplefood nevermind having an A-grade, anyway the sources I have based my writing upon is at times over the top, I must admit that and the same goes for my writing at times as well as I don't rank myself highly as an action-writer, I'm far better at writing more peaceful stuff.

I would like to get an A grade
An A level is a 2 year college course not the grade you recieve.

Look purplefood, I need tips more than criticism. Carrus already have a sword powered by the spirit of a blank along with him carrying a meltagun which he uses as a pistol thanks to my interpretation of the Machine Spirits, and it's extremely radical. I have even let the Rosarius he carries save his life a few times. The point is without the protection Carrus had in the battle with the KOS everyone would die (of course Jurgen being a live blank might have a better effect than the essence inside a weapon, the demons might be different in strength and other reasons), and he didn't escape unharmed. Internal bleeding, he suffered from that fight for months after it, and it hampered him in his fist-fight with his mentor Nathan Harken. Plus without the sword his ability as a fighter severely decreases as the Eversor showed when he tackled him. The fight with Xel is always disrupted by fireballs emitting from the swords, and mind you Xel is basically wielding a Hellblade, which is no advantage when facing a demon-slayer.

Carrus only goes toe to toe with one greater daemon. The other demon-encounters up close is Dirach'Nyrr, Carrus racing with Xel'Aggaddon to reach one, but it's taken out by artillery-fire or an air-strike, Harken and Stremm murdering a few confused Bloodletters after shelling them with Silver Prometium-grenades and Carrus swirling a Bloodletter off it's feet after sneaking up on it then slaying it.

The entire thing about the Schola Progeniums are unrealistic. Carrus and Ionza were the golden kids of their Schola Progenium, and was allowed way more leeway than they should have. And yeah it's totally unrealistic the way they are treated there, yet they are treated in that way as I have seen such things happen myself at schools. And Carrus showed that he didn't back away from bullying Natrax when he had to circumvent an Inquisitorial order of killing soldiers (which he hates). Again I'm stating that much of the premise of this is the over-doting teachers the couple have as a fundament. I mean I can't justify them getting away with what they get away with without them having a maddening backing, and that is not gonna change at all, so you harping over this point is moot. And no they didn't murder half of their Schola Progenium.

I could slam back at you and say the Lord-Commissar was a PDF-commissariat thingy and that the three other Imperial servants uses it derogatory, not respecting his authority which I think I actually shall do, as that scoffing seems appropriate without me changing the tune too much. As for Carrus and Ionza, at the very least they are pragmatic soldiers who does whatever has to be done good enough for an Inquisitor to be pleased. There are little doubt that at least Ionza would snipe anyone faltering, and Carrus I have made a decision a long time ago where he is known to never having executed any soldier under his command, though he shall be a heartless bastard nevertheless where the soldiers doesn't dare fleeing from him due to his weapons nevermind his ferocious behavior. That's also pretty much set in stone. Same with them being driven extremely hard.

Basically what I'm willing to change is some of the action-thingies and some dialogue maybe. I like to keep my work much as it is, and I feel I have tried to give good explanations. If you ain't pleased then I'm sorry, but this is as far as I discuss the matter.

Well then i have nothing else to say if you're not willing to change anything.

Well....This certainly has gone from slightly OTT to flat out dullness. I agree with purpelfood, if you want people beside from you and a few more to like this it needs some major reworking. And I strongly disagree with what you said about doing a better job than the author of Commissar Cain books.

Only the demon-fight Trondheim. But that's mostly because of the demon running away in abject terror which really sat badly with me.

I'm sorry you feel that way Trondheim. Hm alcohol might have dragged the quality down a notch, and in general I'm not a good action-writer.