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Congrats my fellow DCMs! (Brookm being the exception)

You've made us all look like a gang of [edit] trolls[edit].

Beaviz though i gotta admit there are alot of Fluff Errors and some Over Hyping, the writing reads pretty darn well.

If you've got decent craft you're 99% there. You've just got to remember that 90% of criticism in the fan fic world is going to be canon based. You've got to be incredibly meticulous in that department.

Thanks Perkustin. I'm in the process of removing the Space Marines totally from the thing (that is the worst part in my mind), I have gone with mutants (it was basically the remnants of an old and discarded idea I hadn't yet bothered with altering due to lack of alternatives) for now, not sure about the end-game as it sort of sucks having the big secret being mutants, it clings a lot less good than Space Marines as a big secret, but the latter have no place in my fluff (due to me being totally unable to not kill them by the dozen at the first opportunity I get).

And I will basically make them acting like jerks due to the command of Kelkaris who is a grumpy old man with no time for niceties and needs them to bully people just to keep the front-line in one piece (mind you they are commissars, and I got complaints about commissars bullying people of all things). And that feedback was very much appreciated, as it at the very least was polite.

Any particular areas you feel to add some input Perkustin?

Perkustin, it has nothing to do with being a DCM.

People are just giving their opinion on the fluff, presumably why its been posted here in the first place, and are offering there comments and critiques.

Nothing to do with being a DCM?

Taken from the DCM forum:

MrDwhitey wrote:

BrookM wrote:

purplefood wrote:

MrDwhitey wrote:My tale of woe for the day.

I read some fanfiction.

I now want to remove my eyes with a spork covered in salt, and then eat them. Whilst singing Yankee Doodle.

I also read this Fanfiction...
It is a sad day in the land of Purplefood...
The daily parade was very subdued...

Do we even want to know?

Sharing is caring

After this 'Hilarious' post DCM traffic to this thread increased exponentially.

Thats right Beaviz you are the subject of a cruel dcm joke. I am sorry to be the bearer of this news.

Thanks Perkustin, in hindsight this was a valuable experience, and I will draw from this.

I am more likely to get in trouble lol. Some of the DCM's posts had decent feedback though. I just resented the fact certain parties were just in it to try and troll you.

[edit]All while laughing behind your back on a private thread you could not access.[edit]

I admire anyone who has the balls and the determination to write anything so i was disgsted by their behaviour and had to let you know.

Yeah they brought up good points at many points, and congrats I was stupid enough to let myself get trolled. On the other side they bothered to give it a throughout read so it must be decent enough, and it provided me with a valuable lesson in what to do when people in not very nice terms comments about what I writes. So I will draw that much from the comments and derp, and at least it led to me removing the Space Marines, and the stupid melta-frags, plus I changed how Carrus and Ionza was around Kelkaris, so there came results out of it, and in a twisted way I actually think I shall draw strength from this as several DCMs bothered to give my fluff, from a quite subpar writer the time in the spotlight with many good suggestions from far more experienced writers as no matter how they attacked me, they never completely slammed it.

Out of curiosity, how do you plan this all out? Do you use story boarding or do you just write as you go?

To be honest I just write on impulse BrookM, and go with what I think up on the fly, and post it on a site (too bad if I ever get to be a best-selling author) .

On the fly can work, I know some of my stuff came forth from a sudden burst of inspiration. I'd advice for bit stuff to at the very least map things out in advance a bit, the broad strokes so to say. By planning ahead a wee bit you can avoid retcon and massive rewrites.

I have tried to plan ahead, and write bits and pieces, but that works badly for me. And I often discuss my fluff before writing it down so I get my ideas and inspiration from other people. Infact my fluff is very much changed from the mottled mess it first was imagined to be with Tyranids, Space Marines, Custodians, Dark Eldar, Word Bearers, demons and regiments from any planet I could name on one planet in one insane battle. Now I keep it to basically demons and Dark Eldar as the main enemy, the Space Marines are gone, the Nids mentioned in the backstory, Word Bearers = Who?, and so on.

The core idea is two scoundrel-like commissars and the Inquisition contracting them to planets as rulers, which in my mind actually isn't a bad idea, and for all the derp I got, no-one picked at that one.

My main problem as for the battle is that I like to keep the combat realistic so aerial attacks and artillery really counts, I mean the most often done action except igniting a lho-rod with the laschisel is basically taking cover.

Work at a solid core and slowly spiral outward, it is tempting to have a go at everything at once, but that's just putting too much on your plate and stretching things thin.

Yeah. With my story for the project, I just had two simple but important characters doing exiting and interesting stuff. Apart from that, I had very little, I just kept it simple.

Aye, that's one way of doing it.

I personally think of something that sounds cool and work from that point, say, a stupid one-liner, a character archetype or a certain scene that just has to be worked into something.

By all cause friends the simple core will always remain, I got some much needed exposure and learned a valuable lesson. I must admit I have done some more risky stuff, but I consider myself to have escaped light.

Also it must be mentioned I'm a serious fan of background info, which has showed as my recommendations frequently tints towards me wanting to know what a character is like out of battle. I tend to regard my favorite moments of both Cain and Gaunt the stuff dealing with their background at the schola.

TRL I still want the co-op with you, and if any of them do anything worth mentioning it will be mentioned in my fluff.

Well a fairly large and important bunker complex has just been invaded by an enourmous hoard of cultists...

TheRobotLol wrote:Well a fairly large and important bunker complex has just been invaded by an enourmous hoard of cultists...

Is this a request for me to provide the cavalry?

I can do that, and of course Willem would be described flattering, with a potential for a rapid promotion that would have to be discussed. Basically depending on who I send, how high? Basically I'm asking who to send?

Any suggestions for the city's name, it's your planet after all.

I don't do crossovers.

BrookM wrote:I don't do crossovers.

You know I asked TheRobotlol and not you? Sorry couldn't really get that off without sounding harsh.

That would be interesting...

The city is an absolute wreck, so its probably called 'Hades pit' or something.

Not sure who you should sent, thats your story, your decision

TheRobotLol wrote:That would be interesting...

The city is an absolute wreck, so its probably called 'Hades pit' or something.

Not sure who you should sent, thats your story, your decision

I threw a suggestion out there, you are welcome to suggest changes.

Hades' Pit it is then (one really must wonder who the geniuses that names places in the IOM are, as their naming sort of always suck). I didn't mean your naming suck, it's very good actually, but I ruined it now as I explained the joke, right?

I asked you a concrete question. Just speak your mind. Seriously I want to know TRL as your verdict will decide what I choose for the whole scene(s) were Willem is involved.

Also if I am to include Willem I must know his looks, how he sounds like and the minor details. Also the plans you have for him, do you want me to promote him? And to what level? I seriously want to respect your character, and your plans for him. I mean there will be a bit of a difference if Carrus, Ionza and Kelkaris comes rolling compared to Thomas Smith with commissar Mack in tow when it comes to promotions due to the differencing levels of juice they have. So what's your preference?

I seriously need to know the limits and such, and that's important for me, as I want you to be in control of your own fluff.

Just read chpt 1, I have a long ways to go but I like it so far.

Beaviz81 wrote:

TheRobotLol wrote:That would be interesting...

The city is an absolute wreck, so its probably called 'Hades pit' or something.

Not sure who you should sent, thats your story, your decision

I threw a suggestion out there, you are welcome to suggest changes.

Hades' Pit it is then (one really must wonder who the geniuses that names places in the IOM are, as their naming sort of always suck). I didn't mean your naming suck, it's very good actually, but I ruined it now as I explained the joke, right?

I asked you a concrete question. Just speak your mind. Seriously I want to know TRL as your verdict will decide what I choose for the whole scene(s) were Willem is involved.

Also if I am to include Willem I must know his looks, how he sounds like and the minor details. Also the plans you have for him, do you want me to promote him? And to what level? I seriously want to respect your character, and your plans for him. I mean there will be a bit of a difference if Carrus, Ionza and Kelkaris comes rolling compared to Thomas Smith with commissar Mack in tow when it comes to promotions due to the differencing levels of juice they have. So what's your preference?

I seriously need to know the limits and such, and that's important for me, as I want you to be in control of your own fluff.

Willem is above average hight, shaven brown hair and brown eyes. Pale with dark shadows under his eyes. It would be pretty cool if Carrus, Ionza and Kelkaris came. Promotion to Lieutenant sounds about right.

CKO wrote:Just read chpt 1, I have a long ways to go but I like it so far.

You do, and thank you.

I shall arrange the story TRL, might just take a short while.

Sorry have little idea what to write now, doesn't have the option to delete it.

Lord-Commissar James Cavenaugh was of grande height, his almost ebony skin stood out as he stood tall, and bodyslammed fearlessly a young squirming PDF-er to the ground. He boamed with his his well-rehearsed and boaming voice. "Who the hell has ordered this retreat?" He paused a bit as meltagun came trained at him out of no-where. It slammed him back into a dirty trench, he recovered with a snarl. Instead he saw a young commissar, and a bomb-crater where he used to be. He sprang into action, charging towards the young commissar who had just dared bodyslamming him and, "and..." the question grew on his mind as he paused a bit, he was accompanied by something else, something far worse than any commissar, it was without doubt an Inquisitor. He saw them, they were speaking as equals, it sent shivers down the spine of Cavenaugh.

Carrus approached him. "I'm commissar Zachary Carrus, long story short call me Commissar Carrus." He smiled to Cavenaugh as he saluted, Cavenaugh threw a confused salute in return. "Representative of High-Inquisitor Selpid-" Carrus was cut short by the grinning Kelkaris. "...and Inquisitor Kelkaris of Ordo Xenos." He smiled smugly as he saw the multiple colors Cavenaugh's face took. Also Ionza approached with darkness enveloping her.

"You seriously need to shed some bling." She aimed her bolter straight at Cavenaugh. "She cocked the hammer loudly. "Shed it now or suffer my wrath!" She called out, Cavenaugh turned to see the Inquisitor nodding slightly, Carrus was hefting the melta in his right, he saw no emotion in the face of the young commissar. Then he spoke. "Girlie is right, shed your bling, lest we be subject to a bombardment." Cavenaugh glared right into his meltagun, he saw in the baby-blue eyes of the young man he meant it.

A Kasrkin approached them, as Cavenaugh was shedding his bling of war. "Apologies Lords and Lady-" He was cut short by Ionza. "Speak your mind voxer, and NOW!!" She laid particularly weight on the last part, she saw with a bleak grin Carrus step between her and the Kasrkin-voxer. She smiled a bit as she heard him read perfect vox-transmissions to the artillery-unit they were attached to. The small outpost right north of them came under direct artillery-fire, most of them perished, yet some emerged.

She also heard Jamesson order an attack on the facility, Carrus and Kelkaris agreed, so she was soon finding a position were she could take out the head of any foe, who learned to keep his or head low due to her sniping abilities. Also she knew that many officers were made during the campaign due to her shooting the weapons under a more senior member and a junior member picking up powered swords and bolt pistols, and fearlessly charging the enemy. That pleased her a great deal, many officers were promoted from rank and file though that mean.

Even so, Carrus and Kelkaris surged forward, they tried to respond to the S.O.S. from a nearby bunker. Artillery-strikes only did so much, they quickly covered each other with their advanced wargear, the twin Stormbolter-armed Inquisitor swiftly covered the ground which was equally backed by the melta-armed commissar who blasted away obstacles both mortal and immortal in nature. They covered together, acting more like a pair of brothers than two men than had just met as they scurried across the ground together.

The Kasrkins with the Freudakians followed suit as they followed the Inquisitor and commissar into the ground of the Alpha-Victor-Zero-complex. It was a small, but important military-complex in the middle of the city. Carrus and Ionza inflicted horrendous causalities at the chaos-horde due to Carrus blowing up a Leman Russ Demolisher, while Ionza sniped numerous of the leaders, including a judge who in his power armour had been imperrvious to almost any damage. Of course fourteen shots from differencing elite-soldiers serving the Imperium of Mankind didn't hurt anyone but the judge as he was reduced to melted goo inside his pierced power armour.

Even so, Carrus and Kelkaris approached an young sergeant of the 789th. PDF Tanibus Iron PDF. He was above middle height, bald, brown eyes, from the few moments they could sketch him together, his powered fist smashed clean the head of an cultist bellowing something along the line lines of: "Skulls for the skull-" Then he was abruptly stopped. Carrus arose to face another one, he got to shout: "Skulls for-" Then Carrus sheared through his weapons roaring. "It's souls...SOULS FOR THE EMPEROR!!!" As he sheared through a chain-axe splitting the man wielding it in two. He didn't intend to, but the warcry was repeated. The entire Imperial line resounded with the cry which was out of the blue made folklore. Carrus would regret his outburst later on as it had been caught due to him being on the general high setting of the vox-channels due to an earlier dodge which changed his frequency when a power sword-wielding woman, large ugly and burly. Pit-fighter covered in scars wearing a red bikini. She snarled at him, cutting a Kasrkin to pieces despite the man bayoneting her gut. Then she lost her head in a swipe from a vengeful commissar.

Then a Champion of Khorne came right for him. He brushed aside the challenge of Kelkaris, which was considerable, and the Demon-Prince went straight for Carrus who just ducked out of the way. Ionza with the other snipers targeted the vile red creature, but their weapns proved ineffective, and then Carrus barked. "Carrus to the snipers, take out the heavy weapons. I will deal with the red thing. Carrus" The he snapped at his soldiers. "Behind me men and women." Before he discharged his melta at the daemon. "Come here you red mother-frakker." Again he shot his melta, the shot pierced through the chest of the daemon.

The demon answered by leaping towards Carrus lashing his Lash of Khorne who in return summoned almost a brickwall of black steel as he backed away show-casing why he was one of the Imperium of Mankind's best defensive fencers, while the savagery of a berserked demon had met it's match with the style and grace Carrus had learned, along with his own savagery. Yet he was careful to remain on his feet with him sword, the frenzied demon was something he could handle when he was not knocked back all the time. That he bit his mark in as he was sure to always use how unbalanced his opponent tended to be. Even so the daemon fought with a frenzied rage Carrus had trouble keeping at bay

Willem slayed a guy, spraying his rotting skull everywhere, then as he landed he saw Dark Eldar land, one of their unhealthy numbers clawed at him, then the brain melted. Before he could focus he heard. "Commissar Ionza here, target eliminated." In the shadow of his eye he saw another Dark Eldar follow suit with his or her white helmet blown out. Moments followed and the one daring to take charge followed, with another masterfully placed longlas-shot.

Willem snickered a bit as he surged forwards, he power fisted a berzerked Khornate-fanatic to oblivion, then he turned around a Nugrlite came charging in, he was also obliterated by a shot from his bolt pistol. Now he despite artillery-bombardment surrounding the trench became overconfident, he charged forward towards a gigantic red creature and the black figure that could only be a commissar.

He saw the commissar block the incredibly powerful blow with his powered sword, still they circled each other, like in an undeclared duel. Again the Demon-Prince struck, the commissar dodged and a fiery blast emitted from the black-clad commissar shearing through several layers of the Demon-Prince as he saw the commissar dodge and often parry with unexplained skill the savage blows from the Demon-Prince. The creature lined up the commissar for the killing-blow with his daemonic-axe yet the commissar sidestepped avoiding certain doom and struck back as the Demon-Prince growled being struck by the blank powered sword of Carrus.

He smiled a tad as he struck him, the it was back to his defensive behavior which he was so skilled at. The Demon-Prince lashed at him, as he cut off the whip of the gigantic red daemon towering before him. He never stopped yapping insults at the demon, and the demon seemed drawn in by the feisty young man. Willem in the mean time got close, close enough to summon all of his strength, then he struck, he even closed his eyes. The world went black for him. He saw stars as the daemon exploded due to him power fisting the damon from behind right up the the butt of it. It emitted a huge howl directed right at Carrus who only survived thanks to his Rosarius.

"Nice move there." He rapidly shook his head, still he heard just a loud explosion. Carrus grabbed him. "Medic!" He heard the young man yell. He looked around himself, he was bleeding. "Don't you give up on me!!!" Again he saw Carrus, he was struck not at max strength, but still at enough. He saw Carrus' laschisel came to light. "Frakking demon..." Carrus sweared as he operated to stop the bloodflow. "There?" Carrus emerged from behind almost as if looking from approval, instead Willem saw him disengage the laschisel. He declared a man dead. "Sorry Kelkaris he is just dead." He drew a small laspistol. then came the small *tchock* then nothing, the shot went home, all that followed was silence. Willem realized it wasn't him, he saw the contures of Kelkaris and Carrus above him.

"Is he alright?" He heard the voice of Kelkaris, it was harsh and sounded very coarse.
"I think so Inquisitor." A softer male voice rang out. Willem tried to made out the shadows appearing before his eyes.
"He can come in useful boys, and I don't need remind you boys about High-Inquisitor Selpid's ban about using mind-wipes." Willem heard a much softer voice, no doubt a feminine one, she argued his cause.
"Sure darling, but do you think he can-"
The male commissar's voice was cut shut short by the female's hissing. "Of course dear, don't you agree Inquisitor?" He heard the two commissars kiss passionately.

"S-so I shall integrate him into my Storm-Troopers?" Kelkaris glared at both the embracing commissars. Ionza answered. "Sergeant Willem seems to be a fit fit soldier despite his four mind-wipes." She sighed. "You can execute him as you see fit, but I'd rather see him serving out his sentence here, and then be released." She looked anxious over at the Inquisitor.

He sighed. "Fine." He let his arms out. "I will not execute him." He looked the man about 30 in his eyes. "Now you are a lieutenant in my Storm Troopers, hope you are happy." Then he turned, Willem saw flashed of thumbs up from Carrus and Ionza as they rapidly turned as well. All of them rapidly leapt into foxholes to escape the oncoming bombing from the Dark Eldars.

Great story, Beaviz. Is there any chance of any more soon?

A lord Commissar obeying regular Commissars?
Even going by regular ranks that's obviously absurd...

By the dark gods.....Still not finnished? I say this is a rather long lived story