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Disclaimer: Okay, this thread is meant to be humorous and light hearted. Please dont take it too seriously or get offended. Thats not its intent. Just give a shout of which army Jesus would field and why. It can be 40k, WHFantasy, or Warmachines/Hordes. You dont have to give a full Army list or anything... Just toss it out there. Think about the question if Jesus was kinda an average Geek guy who happened to be the Savior.



I'll say Wood Elves, but he would ALWAYS field a Level 4 Lord with Lore of Life, and for some reason EVERYTIME he rolls for spells he gets the Regeneration one from the Lord of Athel Loren. Ariel's Blessing I think... God, I hate playing Jesus, cant ever wound him!

Warmachine Privateers. The Mariner can walk on water
(technically it can walk in water, but whatever).

Forget that. He would play poker. His cards were made of WIN. And he would have awesome parties with hookers, thieves, fishermen, and tax collectors. He might rethink the tax collector invites though.

A deamon hunters army with himself leading it! never was to keen on deamons wasn't old jesus...

A penitent...engine...

Nevermind. Nothing to see here.

Tyranids...blah blah blah...hive mind....blah blah blah...swarms....blah blah blah.

Play Chaos.

The whole idea about gaming is doing something different. High magic and daemonmhunting must get boring after the first few eons.

mercutio531 wrote:Disclaimer: Okay, this thread is meant to be humorous and light hearted. Please dont take it too seriously or get offended. Thats not its intent. Just give a shout of which army Jesus would field and why. It can be 40k, WHFantasy, or Warmachines/Hordes. You dont have to give a full Army list or anything... Just toss it out there. Think about the question if Jesus was kinda an average Geek guy who happened to be the Savior.

God has a sense of humour, even if many of His followers have not.

Of course someone would have to roll the dice. I mean the string of "6"s the J man can put together would be staggering,even better than Dakka Dice.


"All right I have four surivivng guardsmen shooting at your four oblits. Wow four fours to hit. Four sixes to wound. Wow I can believe you rolled ones for all your saves. Your luck is just horrible today."

jfrazell wrote:Of course someone would have to roll the dice. I mean the string of "6"s the J man can put together would be staggering,even better than Dakka Dice.


"All right I have four surivivng guardsmen shooting at your four oblits. Wow four fours to hit. Four sixes to wound. Wow I can believe you rolled ones for all your saves. Your luck is just horrible today."

And the whole time he would smile with that twinkle of innocence in his eyes... You hate him because you cant help but love him.

Tau....the whole bread and fishes thing and nonviolent resistance sounds sort of communist.

Well, except that dude who cut the soldier's ear off....not sure what that's about.

[quote=Orlanth

Storm Lord wrote:

Orlanth wrote:
God has a sense of humour, even if many of His followers have not.

How true, luckily some of his followers do have a sense of humour for this sort of thing (ie me) This is the sort of Harmless thing I can imagine Jesus actually doing, going into a store and thinking "what should I do?"

Now I think of it, Necrons. he did a bit of 'we'll be backing' himself! Although not with a gauss weapon if I remember correctly... Which I hope I do

Me also, I have had some theological training too by the way. In my time I have seen enough of different churches to know many would be offended by the thread topic.

maybe, but most of them are the Hard liners I'd guess, have to have things just so.
Slightly off topic, ok a lot off topic, but whats Theological training?

I know, which is why I threw the disclaimer up there. Its not much a big deal for me, but some people are waaaay serious about that kinda thing. Which is ironic seeing as they follow a guy who only wanted to laugh and love.

But yeah.. Hmm.. A heavily converted Necron army, with models of a bunch of sandal wearing bearded guys who refuse to die.

He might not be keen on using the Star Gods though.

*Laughs* Laugh and love, should be his slogan

Well the Star Gods, you just change your fluff to match your models. Thats what Im doing. Im making an Angel Army using the new Deamon book. Im working on what to call everything, but for Horrors Im using flagellants and just calling them Zealots. For a Bloodthirster, Im calling it an Avatar of Justice.

*snickers* I want to field small children as Nurglings and call them "The Innocent." Small children models are hard to come by though.

I've got a theology degree (with a dissertation on religious themes in Lord of the Rings) so this sounds great to me!

Jesus would play goblins, or pointy eared freaks, or Tau - something 'human' but disfigured, disformed, has no money, gets bullied, worth little in life, has lepresey etc.

Tau also has another argument - they're the galaxys 'children' and Jesus was a big fan of kids

necrons - nope, maybe the ig G's bag but Jesus, he's too cool for them.

deamon hunters - he may play them as in play throwing them at a brick wall

imperials - no chance, that's blasphemy

Don't think he'd play wargames anyway, he's more of the 'trendy party type', but without the trendy.... doesn't make sense in our times. Maybe the geeky sort of piss up many of us end up having after a game of risk.

Lizardmen ain't got a chance either, they're too greedy - 'I tell you it is easier for a camel to pass fthrough the eye of a needle than it is for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of heaven' - Jesus 'The Bible' some many many years ago.

The more important question is WWNPHP?

malfred wrote:The more important question is WWNPHP?

Emperor's Children or Slaanesh demon army.

Makes the cross over chest. Looks up for any thunder clouds. Jesus would play chaos because deep down in side he is going to make mankind pay for nailing him to a bunch of 2''x4''s.

malfred wrote:The more important question is WWNPHP?

Like it matters. NPH just wins by simple RoA.


(RoA = Rule of Awesomeness)

covenant84 wrote:Jesus would play goblins, or pointy eared freaks, or Tau - something 'human' but disfigured, disformed, has no money, gets bullied, worth little in life, has lepresey etc.

Tau also has another argument - they're the galaxys 'children' and Jesus was a big fan of kids

I think the Taus idea of 'the greater good' might get to him after a while and him off! Even he had his limits, and likes to be the biggest force of good around

Vampire Counts.

Why? Because Jesus is a zombie himself (and if something that dies, gets buried, and then gets back up again isn't a zombie, I don't know what is). He feels an affinity for them.

Lord_sutekh he is the ORIGINAL zombie thats more like a tomb king

lord_sutekh wrote:Vampire Counts.

Why? Because Jesus is a zombie himself (and if something that dies, gets buried, and then gets back up again isn't a zombie, I don't know what is). He feels an affinity for them.

First off, zombies are dead beings that are still dead, but are animated by some power, and generally (outside of juju zombies and the like) no longer have souls. Jesus wasn't reanimated, he left death under his own power. Resurrection is the reconstiution of the body and spirit together, FYI.

Second, not to get all Sunday School on everybody, but let's not forget one important fact: Jesus was a man. One with an impressive resume and a cushy job in his real father's business waiting for him, but a flesh and blood person. What army would he play? Which ever one he liked the most, which generally means whichever model range he likes the best.

Polonius wrote:
First off, zombies are dead beings that are still dead, but are animated by some power, and generally (outside of juju zombies and the like) no longer have souls. Jesus wasn't reanimated, he left death under his own power. Resurrection is the reconstiution of the body and spirit together, FYI.

Second, not to get all Sunday School on everybody, but let's not forget one important fact: Jesus was a man. One with an impressive resume and a cushy job in his real father's business waiting for him, but a flesh and blood person. What army would he play? Which ever one he liked the most, which generally means whichever model range he likes the best.

To bring back the OP: Disclaimer: Okay, this thread is meant to be humorous and light hearted. Please dont take it too seriously or get offended.

If you want to toss around facts and discuss why Jesus is none of the things you said that would be fine, but this is a fun thread made with flowers and puppies. Let's try to keep it that way. If you really "don't want to get all Sunday School on everybody", then go with that instinct and don't.

Yes, I think Polonius has missed the point of the thread and my post.

It's OK, though; we still love him, just like Zombie Jesus.

Ahtman wrote:To bring back the OP: Disclaimer: Okay, this thread is meant to be humorous and light hearted. Please dont take it too seriously or get offended.

If you want to toss around facts and discuss why Jesus is none of the things you said that would be fine, but this is a fun thread made with flowers and puppies. Let's try to keep it that way. If you really "don't want to get all Sunday School on everybody", then go with that instinct and don't.

Ah yes.. someone beat me to the punch..

But yes, we are getting off topic into the dangerous and much more importantly NOT FUN area of taking things too seriously....

I love a good debate and yadda blah blah blah as much as the next bloke. Not the point of this thread. One of the reasons why I was cautious about posting it in the first place. And hence the disclaimer.

Flowers and Puppies eh? I suppose that would work. Okay, lets all think happy thoughts cause this is a happy place. You will notice no Bobble-head Dwight here.

Oh wow, I guess I was being too dry....

You thought I was seriously explaining how Jesus wasn't a zombie? Yeah, that's something I take pretty seriously. I mean, I even pointed out that JuJu zombies keep some of their soul. That's really high level debate.

The second bit was a joke as well, although apparently not in any way funny.

I guess I just have fun in a different way from most people. when confronted with the question, I thought about what I knew about the subject and answered. I also think that even when goofing around, it's important to remember the certain central truths, like the fact that zombies don't have souls.