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Man Im sick of these guys.. gaks a crime and should come with jail time.

Ringing me up when Im taking my uni online quiz.. Get a real job mr indian dude.

So dakka what the worst thing you've done to a telemarketer?

I pretend to be an evangelist and convert them to a new religion. They never get a single word and I'll go on until THEY hang up.

G

The solution to getting angry about a telephone call is this.

Just count to sixty out loud, wait for a response after that for 2 seconds, then hang up calm and collected. Most calls will simply hang up after around 15 seconds or so, and that is more than enough time to get a bit of relaxing time into your busy day.

Oh my GOD you guys are hilarious. I think I like GreenBlowFly the best.
I usually just ask them to take my number off of their lists and then hang up.
The only ones that really get me are the local church goers that come to my house asking me to pray with them and then goto their church. I usually tell them if I wanted to pray to god and goto their church, Id goto church. And I for damn sure wouldnt stand on my porch praying with a total stranger

Try to convert them to mormonism/satanism.

Ask for their number so you can call them back, as you are busy at the moment.

Say "Give us a sec, someones at the door" and put the phone down. Read a book. Watch some movies. Do something. Then come back a couple of hours later.

Say "Hi. I can't come to the phone at the moment. I will be with you shortly" and then put the phone next to a cd player playing elevator music.

I used to have a record of assorted Halloween type sounds. I would put the phone right next to the speakers and put it on the track where several women are screaming. If I got a telemarketer call now, I would probably just cue them up a vid on YoupR0n.

I've got a neat recording I made a few years back.

It starts with me, answering with " Hello" [pause for about 10 seconds]"You're talking to a machine, but that's ok, machines need love too. Leave your details after the tone and I'll get back to you. If you don't leave them, don't worry, I have caller ID and have already placed you on a block list. Thank you for your time. beep." click.

They usually get to about the "leave your details" before hanging up.

KingCracker wrote:Oh my GOD you guys are hilarious. I think I like GreenBlowFly the best.
I usually just ask them to take my number off of their lists and then hang up.
The only ones that really get me are the local church goers that come to my house asking me to pray with them and then goto their church. I usually tell them if I wanted to pray to god and goto their church, Id goto church. And I for damn sure wouldnt stand on my porch praying with a total stranger

As far as the door to door "church people",I always wanted to do a police crime scene chalk out line of a friend,splater a bunch of fake blood around the head area of the outline and scatter watch tower/ be saved pamphlets around the porch,I figured this would deture those pesky early morning knocks.
And concerning telemarketers,GBF & Nemesis have the right idea,going on a long windend rip about "the coming armegedon"gets them to hang up pretty quick.

I engage them in a lengthy debate over whether or not Dethrollas can be used during a ramming attack.

Orkeosaurus wrote:I engage them in a lengthy debate over whether or not Dethrollas can be used during a ramming attack.

Absolute brilliance!..erm,what's the opinion of the average telemarketer concerning this debate,yay or nay for the use of Deffrollaz??

I don't think they understand the question.

I've done some evil crap to church door people and telemarketers.
So evil infact, they called the police on me... twice.
The first time when I explained it to the police they cracked up and left.
The second time they weren't amused and wanted to search my house. It was pretty funny actually.
I'd tell you guys the story but I don't want to bore you.

Sadly, I used to do telemarketing about 15 years ago. It sucks on their end too I assure you.

best way i've found to get rid of them is to act as if they caught you in the middle of a visit to an adult novelty store, ask them to hold while you debate with someone whether to item a or item b.....they generally hang up

You could always attempt to have phone sex with them. My luck, I'd probably get the fat, hairy dude who was into phone sex and then I'd never be left alone.

they once got me when I was on the john. why did we put that phone in the bathroom.

Here's my technique... (This also uses the "don't let them get a single word in and/or talk right over them" technique)

"Wow! Thanks for calling me! No one ever calls me! It is so good that someone wants to talk to me! My cat's name is buttons and he likes fish but I don't have any fish to give him, he smells like cat pee but his breath smells like cat food. Do you like cat food? I like cat food but it gives me the runs. Do you like the runs? I don't like the runs because I never make it to the bathroom and the nurses have to make a special trip to clean up the hall carpet. Once I sat on Buttons and he clawed my rear. There was blood everywhere! 'uh-oh' I thought, 'the nurses are gonna have to make another trip out'. Blood is funny. My nose bleeds sometimes but the doctor said it would stop bleeding if I could just keep my finger out of there. My doctor is funny, he touches me sometimes and it makes me feel funny. Do you feel funny when someone touches you down there?..."

I just made this up but have used variations of this (some of it thanks to The Simpsons) all of it inspired by Ralph Wiggum. I just go with whatever pops in my head. It usually doesn't even go that long and my daughter and I laugh when its over.

The only telemarketer that consistently called back were those damned Auto Warranty ones. They won and we just stopped answering until they gave up.

My favorite call ended immediately after my introduction: "So, describe your penis to me."

If you dislike telemarketing you should read Carl Hiaasen's "Nature Girl".

I saw a TV report about a man in the USA who had this technique when he was called by a telemarketer. He would get their company details, then send the company a registered letter proposing that by calling him on the phone, they enter into a contract for $100 for the use of his time in answering their call.

The fun thing about this is that you can enter into a contract by performance. In other words, if you do the thing the contract asks you to do, you accept the contract without previously agreeing to it.

The next time the company called him, he would confirm their details then send them an invoice under the contract.

The company would not pay the charge, so he would take them to Small Claims Court and win the fee plus expenses. Then they would make sure to take his number off their list.

There some great stuff in this thread I dont have the balls to try some of it out.. like describe your penis lololol.. but I like the counting to 60 on the phone thing.. and the converting to religion thing, except I know jack about religion..

Thanx guys.

I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm an honest man: I AM A TELEMARKETEER!

I would actually enjoy some of the strategies mentioned here, it's a rather boring job most of the times.

Telemarketeers are not by definition bad, sure, there are companies/marketeers you can call criminals and frauds and it's to be expected that many people don't want unsollicited services. though, many other people find it convenient.

I see myself as one of the "better" (i.e. honest, non-pushy) telemarketeers, my job involves calling existing customers of a big internet/phone/tv company to update older accounts (more Mbit, same price/cheaper, no hassle for the client) if the customer wants to.
That is perceived as a more acceptable Telemarketing variant.

It's a strange buissiness though, and there are many prejudices against it. heh, If someone calls you for a company you are a client of and it all goes well, it was not a telemarketeer (honestly, it was), if they annoy you and screw things up, it's a telemarketeer.

Hanging up, or asking "get me of the list" is not the most efficient way to get rid of us. Most telemarketing companies work with computersystems with data from the company that hires them. You'll never be rid of me and my colleagues for good that way. In fact, you will be called again by other companies or even the same one, there is no such thing as a general "list" for all telemarketing companies of people they can call, it's rarely the same person mind you! Fortunately, many countries (USA, the Netherlands) have some legislation about this. You can enter your number into a register that will prevent telemarketeers from approaching you (big fine if they do- companies you are not client of only), and now we (the TM's of companies you are client with) have to ask you everytime we call, if we may continue to do so. Say no and you're rid of me and my colleagues

yes, there is a general list of people they CAN NOT call.

Just make sure you're on it if my colleagues annoy you.

AS far as the religious ones go, talk to them about how JC is your savior and the only way to survive the coming Judgement Day is to follow JC. At this point they should probably be engaging you in a pretty hefty conversation.

Now when they say Jesus, ask them "Who?". When they say "Jesus, you know, JC" YOU say, "Oh, I meant John Connor. I was referring to when the machines rise against their human overlords, what judgement day were you talking about?"

They then proceed to walk away with a very sour look on their face and may even tell you "God will strike you down for your blasphemy".

mattyboy22 wrote:AS far as the religious ones go, talk to them about how JC is your savior and the only way to survive the coming Judgement Day is to follow JC. At this point they should probably be engaging you in a pretty hefty conversation.

Now when they say Jesus, ask them "Who?". When they say "Jesus, you know, JC" YOU say, "Oh, I meant John Connor. I was referring to when the machines rise against their human overlords, what judgement day were you talking about?"

They then proceed to walk away with a very sour look on their face and may even tell you "God will strike you down for your blasphemy".

That doesn't seem blasphemous to me. It's like a misinterpretation of a 40k rule.

john connor lawl..

Hero hammer thats good info thanx..

I've been a telemarketer before, (well survey taker) so I'm generally nice to 'em. It's a horrible job and you get cussed out/threatened all day. So I try to be pleasent to them, since i know how it is being yelled at by strangers all day. One time I had a guy tell me to go feth myself and my manditory response was "I'll get right on that sir, have a nice day", it's a soul crushing job sometimes. The best way in my experiance to be rid of them is to immediatly ask to be placed on their company's "do not call list". I love the idea Kilkrazy mentioned though.

I'm generally very short but polite to telemarketers, leaving no doubt that I'm not interested in their fething cold calling and if I want something I'll call them.

I then wish them good day and hang up before a response, I know they are human beings and only doing a job so I'm generally not rude to them.

This one time a woman rang me up, thanking me for doing a survey for them a while back and that they were going to send me a free casio organiser and proceeded to ask for my home address, refused to obviously and gave them my works address. She then started telling me they have some new offers on printer cartridges for HP printers and used closed questions to try and trick me into buying. Such as "this cartridge is only £45.99, thats a good deal, isn't it HellsG?" <-- this got my back up right away. She then said she'd send out some samples and wanted to know where to send the invoice for them, I then argued that I never agreed to accept their samples. I then had to argue that HP cartridges don't fit our Olivette printer and she refused to budge on it assuring me they were compatible. By this time I was fed up and told her where to go and that I wasn't interested.

Another week went by and I recieved a call from a another woman at the same place who repeated everything the last one said so she got it in the neck for being a machine.

But you know what REALLY bugs me? .. .. .. I never did get that casio organiser

I just tell them I don't speak English. in English.

avantgarde wrote:I just tell them I don't speak English. in English.

I laughed very hard at that one

My friend gets a fair few calls on his mobile trying to get him to take out new mobile deals and/or phones with different companies, he tell's them he doesn't have a mobile and thats generally enough to confuse them long enough to hang up

hellsguardian316 wrote:I'm generally very short but polite to telemarketers, leaving no doubt that I'm not interested in their fething cold calling and if I want something I'll call them.

I then wish them good day and hang up before a response, I know they are human beings and only doing a job so I'm generally not rude to them.

This one time a woman rang me up, thanking me for doing a survey for them a while back and that they were going to send me a free casio organiser and proceeded to ask for my home address, refused to obviously and gave them my works address. She then started telling me they have some new offers on printer cartridges for HP printers and used closed questions to try and trick me into buying. Such as "this cartridge is only £45.99, thats a good deal, isn't it HellsG?" <-- this got my back up right away. She then said she'd send out some samples and wanted to know where to send the invoice for them, I then argued that I never agreed to accept their samples. I then had to argue that HP cartridges don't fit our Olivette printer and she refused to budge on it assuring me they were compatible. By this time I was fed up and told her where to go and that I wasn't interested.

Another week went by and I recieved a call from a another woman at the same place who repeated everything the last one said so she got it in the neck for being a machine.

But you know what REALLY bugs me? .. .. .. I never did get that casio organiser

Argh, those are the worst! I would never work for a company like that, terrible. These marketeers would be trained to do that, it's in the script, and it's so fethed up what they are trying to do. It's some kind of "idiot bait" (Jay a prize! sure I will give my information and buy your product). Or you just got two bad apples concerned about their "target conversion" (sale/not sale count).

avantgarde wrote:I just tell them I don't speak English. in English.

Works, but does not stop the calls from other companies, get into the "don't call" list!

hehe, if they try all the other languages they can speak, it means they're low for the "target"

I got assigned to another project today, and it's unbelievable how the sales agents of the customer service (inbound sales I believe) can screw up when they (need to) sell things... I call people to check if they actually ordered the product and if they are aware of the complete price before the company sends out the package... It's shocking, people actually got angry because of facts not mentioned by the sales agent. A colleague of mine actually had some client tell he got it "for free". Many others thought they were just asking for written information on the product, not the whole deal.

I can usually tell if its a telemarketer (caller ID), so I've been anything from a dildo manufacturer to a deaf person.

You should never feth with a Telemarketer...we have your address. And your phone number.

If people were overly rude to me, I'd simply trim down a matchstick, insert it into the phone so that whilst at rest, it doesn't switch the 'hang up' button, and ring them back at the end of my shift. Begin my shpeel, and when they hang up, replace my receiver, neatly blocking their line.

These people are doing a job, and deserve some kind of respect. I'm pretty sure it's quicker to simply say 'no thank you' then hang up, than come up with some 'oh so' witty comeback....