Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Just as everyone has a book in them, I believe that everyone has an invention in them.

So stake your claim to your invention in this thread, in a very real, non-legally binding way (more's the pity).

My one?

The Woman-Sense Language Translator!

No more tears because she said the opposite of what she meant! No more second bloody guessing her moods! Find out exactly what 'fine' means this time!

The potential market is enormous, plus I suspect it would seriously piss off the remaining militant feminists, so I will be setting to work on this ASAP, see if I can get the daft bints to burn their bras again.

The Masculinator. Yeah, its pretty awesome, I pretty much cornered the lesbian market and our projections are pretty optimistic about introducing it to the French population.

And what does it do?

Oh, and the latest in paranoid self defence from Doc Corp!

The Zom-B-Gone 12,000!

They said it couldn't be done! They said perfection cannot be improved! BUT DOC CORP HAVE DONE IT! The Zom-B-Gone 12,000.....with added nails! Never fear the stinky shuffling menace again! No need for ammunition, no need for tedious aiming! Simply swing your Zom-B-Gone 12,000 casually overarm, and tonk that Zombie right in the noggin! Guaranteed to work most of the time, unless you hit like a girl, in which case the Zom-B-Gone's Automatic Genepool Cleansing Ability kicks in!

Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:And what does it do?

What its name implies of course! It helps even the shrimpiest Froggie grow a pair and discover what manhood really is! The applications are endless. Anywhere from that slightly effeminate son of yours to your creepy uncle that collects dolls in his trailer. The Masculinator will help make a man out of you. Masculinator LTD is not responsible for incorrect use of the Masculinator, nor from any ensuing diseases including but not limited to: cancer, polio, diphtheria, raging diarrhea, smallpox, bubonic plague and staph infection....

Sarcasm detector.

And is it effective on Emos?

After all, I suspect that their inexplicably tight trousers* might prevent their testicular improvements from properly taking root?


*Can someone explain this to me? When did it become a good idea to advertise to girls you're actually a tiny knobbed, 9 stone weakling?

Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:And is it effective on Emos?

After all, I suspect that their inexplicably tight trousers* might prevent their testicular improvements from properly taking root?

The trials involving emos all ended in dismal failure. Our most successful test ended with an exact clone of Rosie O'Donnell. We thought it best not to unleash that on the world....

I would invent software that would write up software bugs for me so I can chat on Dakka more...
Then write a program to test my testing program. Then write another to test the tester testing program... DAMMIT!!!

Duly noted.

I shall set my chief scientist (Al K Hall) onto dealing with the ongoing Emo menace.

Science does have the answer! CLARITY THROUGH CLARET! ALACRITY THROUGH LAGER! SEER WITH BEER!

JEB_Stuart wrote:

Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:And is it effective on Emos?

After all, I suspect that their inexplicably tight trousers* might prevent their testicular improvements from properly taking root?

The trials involving emos all ended in dismal failure. Our most successful test ended with an exact clone of Rosie O'Donnell. We thought it best not to unleash that on the world....

It is for the best... Imagine a world filled with more of these... *shudder*

@Tblock - Hey! Where did you find my police mugshot? I wasn't drunk, just 'tired and emotional'!


My invention is a pillow that stays cold - I'm sick of constantly having to flip my normal one over all night. Stupid pillow.

My invention is the virtual reality system.

Then comes the end of the human race.

Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:And what does it do?

Oh, and the latest in paranoid self defence from Doc Corp!

The Zom-B-Gone 12,000!

They said it couldn't be done! They said perfection cannot be improved! BUT DOC CORP HAVE DONE IT! The Zom-B-Gone 12,000.....with added nails! Never fear the stinky shuffling menace again! No need for ammunition, no need for tedious aiming! Simply swing your Zom-B-Gone 12,000 casually overarm, and tonk that Zombie right in the noggin! Guaranteed to work most of the time, unless you hit like a girl, in which case the Zom-B-Gone's Automatic Genepool Cleansing Ability kicks in!

I have a much better idea related to zombies.

Zom-beez. T-virus got you down? Tired of shooting your infected friends? Got the undead banging on your door? Then try Zom-beez! Just one spray keeps the zombies away for hours! Buy now and you will recieve a box of our hit product, I can't believe it's not buckshot, absolutely free! And that's not all!

Order within the next ten minutes and you will recieve a free copy of the latest hit album from the Shambling Horde, Can I Eat Your Brains Tonight, including such hits as 'Never gonna eat you up' and the funky techno mix 'Caramellfeasting'. Buy it now, suckers!

"I've been using Zom-beez for five years, and I've never had to use any pills on myself since I started."
-Louis, star of 'Left 4 Dead'.

I need face protection, from all of my palms that have been slapping it today...

I would patent a medical procedure.

1. Cut away skin from desired fingers.
2. Place titanium bands around the muscles of the fingers, leaving a litle bit of room to prevent loss of circulation.
3. Fuse skin back over bands.
4. After required period of rest, hand(s) are now potentially lethal weapons!

WARNING!!!!!!

Procedure will prevent facepalming for some time, usually no more then two weeks. In order to have procedure, hand(s) must now be registered as weapons.
Procedure has been known to cause increased levels of confidence, of almost suicidal proportions. DO NOT!! engage in fisticuffs with a man who has cauliflower ears,
as he is most likely a professional cage fighter. Procedure has also been known to make masturbation somewhat uncomfortable uncomfortable, and hand may need to be switched.


If you are ina position where you have ever thought you would be justified in beating up a stupid person, the procedure is right for you.

G E S International accepts no blame for any problems that may be caused by procedure.

JEB_Stuart wrote:

Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:And is it effective on Emos?

After all, I suspect that their inexplicably tight trousers* might prevent their testicular improvements from properly taking root?

The trials involving emos all ended in dismal failure. Our most successful test ended with an exact clone of Rosie O'Donnell.

That's where the amazing Emo Whacker comes into play!

It's pretty much exactly the same as a weed whacker, but you use it to get rid of a different type of thin, scraggly, omnipresent annoyance.

I'll take Twelfty!

The Time Stopper.

Time Travel is for Noobs. Stopping time for a snooze is win! What you need ladies and gentlemen is the Time Stopper. A pod where you can stop time and catch up on all the sleep you keep missing, without missing those important deadlines. Thats right, you can be productive 24hrs a day!

Misuse of the Time Stopper to rape, pillage and kill, results in termination of the Time Stoppee by undisclosed means. Only I the inventor can used it for these purposes.

The Strop-Stopper.

Got someone who is being a bit of a bottom? Kicking off in your face and can't legally kill them? Activate the Strop-Stopper (TM) for instant peace and quiet.

The Strop-Stopper sends out a concentrated pulse of electromagnetic waves designed to temporarily* scramble the brains of the targeted stropper and place them into a state akin to exhausted sleep.

Purchase the delux version to include the Enhanced Enjoyment Modulator which will also induce intense feelings of empathy to your situation in the stropper which will cause them to hate themsleves.


*In 3/10 cases.