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Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut






Madison, WI

You do a great job of weaving the story together and keeping it moving.... that's often very difficult. You got that down. When you write an action sequence though, some times it hard for me to picture in my mind exactly what happened and I have to read it a few times to try and puzzle it out. That might just be me being dense... but I thought I'd mention it.

If the actual combat sequence is important in your story, then you want to make sure I understand it so I can appreciate it. If the combat sequence isn't that important (I mean not the PRIMARY focus)... then you don't want me getting hung up on trying to figure it out & losing track of the over-all story in the process. Either way, the easier it is for me to understand the action, the greater impact you have on me as the reader.

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2010/07/13 14:29:19


Anvildude: "Honestly, it's kinda refreshing to see an Ork vehicle that doesn't look like a rainbow threw up on it."

Gitsplitta's Unified Painting Theory
 
   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

I'm currently reading some Abnett, one thing I learnt from reading his books is how you have to balance out description with the flow of the story and also the use of punctuation. The description of something, say a city, can take up five paragraphs or more, although to keep the reader from getting bored you have to reward them with some fairly simple text. Also fight scenes should be balanced between simple and extensive, the use of commas and full stops in a fight scene slows the reader down where as the use of less would speed the reader up, creating the effect of motion.

I seriously have no idea what i just wrote about.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/07/14 06:17:15


DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut






Madison, WI

I thought it was rather insightful... never occurred to me to simulate motion with the actual flow of the sentences. May have to look up this "Abnett" guy...

Anvildude: "Honestly, it's kinda refreshing to see an Ork vehicle that doesn't look like a rainbow threw up on it."

Gitsplitta's Unified Painting Theory
 
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Dan Abnett is fantastic. I am reading through his Gaunts Ghosts series now. I really liked Eisenhorn and the Horus Heresy books that he has done are some of my favorite. I think out of all of the Black Library Authors I like him the best.

I understand what you're both saying and I think for me, I am going to try and write up some more elaborate combat scenes and then compare. Abnett does have a fantastic way of having his writing mimic the combat at times, he also doesn't do that often so when it occurs it is a more powerful tool. I certainly agree that important combats need to be more drawn out but I think I need to see how well I can write them and find out what works best for me. lol, if I can't write a good combat scene I don't plan on getting into to much detail. Heck, if I can't write a good combat scene I shouldn't be writing any 40k fiction, lol.

   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

*Gasps*

DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

“Vaz, we’ve got a blip coming through the hatch on your 2. Move to engage, I’ll cover”

The only response he gave was an affirmative blip sent through his hud. Mi-Luqua Vaz pivoted and moved up towards the hatch. Two of his battle brothers layed down covering fire while he advanced. The metal floor was coated in rust spots and blood, mainly ork blood. Vaz came upon, and took cover behind, a large bent exhaust pipe that appeared to have been hit by a vehicle. The black smog was pouring out the end and out of several cracks. The hatch was built into a wall that supported one of the sky platforms docking pads.

Two loud clangs were followed by a bellowing yell. The hatch swung open just before a huge ork burst through. The ork was in a gray armored suit and wielded some sort of arm cannon that belched rounds as big as a marine’s fist. Vaz kept his head down and saw the destruction the ork was creating on the Ice Angel position. Metal buckled and ferrocrete barriers cracked under the large caliber bullets. Several of his squad members had to dive for better cover, Brother Juuk wasn’t quite so lucky and had his foot blown clean off.

The ork stomped forward and walked past the exhaust pipe. Using the smog as cover Vaz rounded the other side of the pipe. No other orks were exiting the wall hatch that he could see. The armored ork had taken several more thundering steps and was laying a hail of fire towards the tactical squad. Vaz stepped away from the pipe and pulled up his bolter. In a split second he had fully examined the orks heavily modified body armor. The only weakness he could spot was the ammo feeder and some patchs over the orks right shoulder.

Vaz fired two shots into the ammo feeder and two into the patch. The ork lurched forward as the small explosion rocked his body. Vaz lowered his bolter as the ork slowly pivoted around. The orks gun arm was limp on its side and gray smoke was oozing out of the ruined ammo feeder. The orks bionic eye was nothing more then a laser sight but its good eye was glaring at Vaz with a level of hate that displayed how much that gun meant to him.

The Ork’s choppa slid out of a forearm sheath as he leapt at Vaz. The pistons in his legs sending him further than Vaz had expected. Vaz tumbled to his left to avoid the downward chop. The ork bellowed in rage as he landed and followed his next step with a downward thrust towards Vaz’s black armored stomach. With few options available to him Vaz smacked away the huge hooked blade with his bolter. The blade only scratched his armor but the hooks pulled the bolter out of his hands. The ork chuckled and with a flick sent the bolter flying away from them. Its clatter was only interrupted by the fire fight that was going on behind them. Other orks were moving up to engage the outnumbered tactical squad but to Vaz, his focus was on this huge bionic ork.

Vaz took a glimpse down at his sacred dagger when the ork quick stepped towards him. Vaz side stepped the orks thrust and punched the ork several times in what he thought was thin armor over the orks stomach. It turned out to be solid metal. The ork began to laugh and went for an over head chop. Vaz stepped in towards the chop and upper cutted the ork. His fist connected with the orks metal jaw with such force that the implanted jaw tore out on one side and dangled. Letting go of the choppa the ork grabbed at Vaz and got a hold of his back pack. Instead of resisting Vaz let the ork pick him up. The ork was about to toss him towards the edge of the sky platform when Vaz reached out and grabbed the corner of the orks dangling jaw. The orks good eye bulged as his toss almost tore off the rest of his own jaw. Vaz’s feet barely touched the ground before he lept back up into the orks face. This time Vaz punched his fist through the orks unprotected mouth into its brain. The ork had a look of utter shock before his eye rolled back into his head and he fell backwards onto the platform.

Vaz once again looked down at his sacred dagger. He began to remember the nightmare that shamed his honor when ork fire grazed his armor. Mi-Luqua Vaz was once again diving for cover and soon had his bolter. As he returned fire he thought to himself, these orks were not worthy of his rage, his blade would have to wait for a more worthy adversary.

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2010/07/19 03:32:49


   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Thoughts?

   
Made in us
[SWAP SHOP MOD]
Robot Cat






OH-I Wanna get out of here

Dang, Im gunna have to dig thru this on my next late nite at work. The bit I skimmed looked very grimdark approprate.
   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

Nice choreographed fight sequence. Although I would fix up one thing, "a large exhaust pipe and took cover. The pipe was bent at an odd angle as if the pipe had hit by a vehicle." You didn't need the extra sentence you could type "upon a large exhaust pipe and took cover, it was bent at an odd angle as if the pipe had hit by a vehicle." If i had it my way would throw a few adjectives in there too. Nice work as always!

DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut






Madison, WI

Much better IceAngel... good sequence, easy to "see" the action as I read it. The whole pipe thing could be re-worked I think to make it a bit more succinct... but really, that's small potatoes. Good work!

Anvildude: "Honestly, it's kinda refreshing to see an Ork vehicle that doesn't look like a rainbow threw up on it."

Gitsplitta's Unified Painting Theory
 
   
Made in us
Nigel Stillman





Seattle WA

I haven't read all the fluff yet, but I will no worries there as it is good fluff. I would so far as to say that anyone who is going to post their ideas for new chapters on the forums should take a look at what you have going here as an example of how it should be done.

Also an idea springs to mind, I am not sure if your IceAngels still have their Sus-an membrane (the one that allows suspended animation). If they still do you could have the suspended animation take the form of deep freezeing where a battle brother is frozen solid for years at a time until he is needed. May work out well for marines who fall to the black rage, simply freeze them solid till the next battle.

Prehaps you have already thought of something simular to this, which is why your death company marines are white.



See more on Know Your Meme 
   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

Ingenious!

DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Ma55ter_fett wrote:I haven't read all the fluff yet, but I will no worries there as it is good fluff. I would so far as to say that anyone who is going to post their ideas for new chapters on the forums should take a look at what you have going here as an example of how it should be done.

Also an idea springs to mind, I am not sure if your IceAngels still have their Sus-an membrane (the one that allows suspended animation). If they still do you could have the suspended animation take the form of deep freezing where a battle brother is frozen solid for years at a time until he is needed. May work out well for marines who fall to the black rage, simply freeze them solid till the next battle.

Perhaps you have already thought of something similar to this, which is why your death company marines are white.



I had actually thought of a similar idea but hadn't worked out the specifics on how it would work. Thank you for your suggestion I will most likely be using that in the future.

   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

The story of Mi-Luqua Vaz has been edited, pipe section altered, and a few more adjectives thrown in the mix. Thoughts?

   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

Lol Not trying to be fussy here, its just that you used commas where they aren't needed. Thanks anyway

DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Finch Claw wrote:Lol Not trying to be fussy here, its just that you used commas where they aren't needed. Thanks anyway


At least I used apostrophes correctly. (its = it's) lmao

   
Made in us
Nigel Stillman





Seattle WA

IceAngel wrote:
Ma55ter_fett wrote:I haven't read all the fluff yet, but I will no worries there as it is good fluff. I would so far as to say that anyone who is going to post their ideas for new chapters on the forums should take a look at what you have going here as an example of how it should be done.

Also an idea springs to mind, I am not sure if your IceAngels still have their Sus-an membrane (the one that allows suspended animation). If they still do you could have the suspended animation take the form of deep freezing where a battle brother is frozen solid for years at a time until he is needed. May work out well for marines who fall to the black rage, simply freeze them solid till the next battle.

Perhaps you have already thought of something similar to this, which is why your death company marines are white.



I had actually thought of a similar idea but hadn't worked out the specifics on how it would work. Thank you for your suggestion I will most likely be using that in the future.


I'm a professional daydreamer, when presented with the frame work for a story I can't help but flesh it out in my mind.

I blame you for presenting me with such good fluff

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/07/19 04:07:38



See more on Know Your Meme 
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Well thanks for the input and positive feedback.

Ma55ter_fett and Whalemusic360 let me know how you like the whole thing once you've read it all.

   
Made in us
[SWAP SHOP MOD]
Robot Cat






OH-I Wanna get out of here

Will do! Looking forward to getting my very own Ice Angel.
   
Made in us
Legendary Master of the Chapter





Chicago, Illinois

O.o Nice lore. would love to see a painted battle company

From whom are unforgiven we bring the mercy of war. 
   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

'iye, aym" ,vavrery ?,goued" ayet! ,greammare (for those who can't read this- I am very good at grammar).

DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Nigel Stillman





Seattle WA

Ma55ter_fett wrote:
IceAngel wrote:
Ma55ter_fett wrote:I haven't read all the fluff yet, but I will no worries there as it is good fluff. I would so far as to say that anyone who is going to post their ideas for new chapters on the forums should take a look at what you have going here as an example of how it should be done.

Also an idea springs to mind, I am not sure if your IceAngels still have their Sus-an membrane (the one that allows suspended animation). If they still do you could have the suspended animation take the form of deep freezing where a battle brother is frozen solid for years at a time until he is needed. May work out well for marines who fall to the black rage, simply freeze them solid till the next battle.

Perhaps you have already thought of something similar to this, which is why your death company marines are white.



I had actually thought of a similar idea but hadn't worked out the specifics on how it would work. Thank you for your suggestion I will most likely be using that in the future.


I'm a professional daydreamer, when presented with the frame work for a story I can't help but flesh it out in my mind.

I blame you for presenting me with such good fluff


I greatly enjoyed it, looking forward to seeing what happens with the rescued marine.


See more on Know Your Meme 
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Ma55ter_fett - thanks man! I am glad you enjoyed. I look forward to having the time to write the next story. I may actually write a couple other side stories first and then get back to the wounded marine story.

   
Made in us
[SWAP SHOP MOD]
Robot Cat






OH-I Wanna get out of here

The wonded marine could turn out to be one you get from the GMS.
All I've got left to read is the one on this page.
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

With a hiss and a quite kurr-chunk the sarcophagus sealed itself into the dreadnought frame. Several lights on the wall panels lit up blue and orange while other lights began to blink with increasing speed. Four armored plates covered over the sarcophagus to protect the ancient passenger. Brother Philosir stood behind the dreadnought checking its system. He looked out of place in his red tech priest armor but his servo arms worked the panels with a sense of familiarity.

Half a dozen servitors worked in the room readying the venerable dreadnought suit. Its black armor was oiled and prepared for battle; its hunter killer missile bays were fully loaded. The right arm was a typical dreadnought close combat weapon with built in meltagun but the left arm was still unattached. In the hall across from the dreadnought stood one more marine, his pointed helm in light blue and the zero gravity jump pack strapped across his back. Even though Captain Ruusa was in his armor, fully prepared for battle, he only stood a third as tall as the dreadnought.

Two servitors rolled up to the dreadnought and detached large cables from its rear paneling. As they placed the cables back on the wall Brother Philosir said a prayer to the Emperor. As he completed his prayer he pushed one final key before turning to the dreadnought.

Most of the remaining cables detached themselves from the suit and the dreadnought appeared to take a deep breath. The wide glass slit on the sarcophagus shield began to glow with an eerie blue light.

Brother Philosir stepped in front of the dreadnought and bowed his head. “Brother, I hope your slumber was peaceful" he spoke with a monotone voice.

The dreadnought flexed its one attached arm and leaned forward to look down at the red armored marine. “Yes, Brother Philosir, the slumber was peaceful. May the Emperor bless your skills and constant vigilance.” The voice that came through the speaker system sounded like it was from an old poet, its Bhaalian accent very thick.

Brother Philosir bowed once again before stepping away to complete his task.

“Brother Frakatuzuli, I am glad to have you with us once again.” Captain Ruusa stated.

“Ah, Captain” the dreadnought said while several small sensors deployed across his back “I take it we’re not at Shattermantle yet?”

“Unfortunantly no, we have woken you for an important mission. We’ve been assisting an Imperial force that has been tasked with preventing the invasion of an Ork Waaaagh. A band of Space Wolves has been cleansing the planet while we’ve been purging space. I’d like you to……”

“Kill and destroy the xenos, yes yes. Since I am still missing an arm I assume I’m using the Anchor?” Frakatuzuli interrupted.

With a short chuckle at the ancient dreadnoughts assessment, Ruusa responded “You’re correct, would you like me to tell you about the mission or surprise you?”

With a hearty laugh the dreadnought shook the room. The last few cables detached and recoiled into the walls. “Fill me in on the ride over, just please tell me what made this mission so important.” He requested.

Captain Ruusa took a few steps back to give the dreadnought some room. “Squad Uttuakki infiltrated one of the medium sized rokks and returned with a wounded space marine from another chapter. He hasn’t woken from his wounds but should survive the ordeal. We think…..”

“AH, you want me to break into another Rokk so we can disable and search.” Frakatuzuli took a step forward. “Excellent idea Ruusa! I agree with you as usual.”
After one more step, the dreadnought suit was out of its docking station and the servitors began to reset the station for the suits eventual return. Brother Philosir walked around the dreadnought suit and gave one final blessing.

As Captain Ruusa watched the blessing he began to think back to the first time he saw Brother Frakatuzuli, more affectionately known in the Ice Angel Chapter as Frank. The name was actually given to him by a Salamander named Vulkan He’stan. Brother Frakatazuli owes his life to He’stan, but has repaid the salamanders dozens of times over. Back then the Captain was a newly initiated brother who had just joined his first tactical unit. Frakatuzuli was in his dreadnought suit even then and had been for thousands of years. Brother Frakatuzli was the oldest marine in the chapter and the only true Blood Angel left. As memories of battles flashed through his mind Brother Philosir completed the blessing.

Franks first step brought Captain Ruusa back from his reverie. He stepped out of the dreadnoughts path and watched him march towards one of the elevators. Brother Philosir walked up and stopped next to the captain.

“You know captain, “he paused “I have seen star ships obliterate planets, fellow marines cut down thousands of aliens in seconds. I have even seen xenos technology do unexplainable things. None of these compare to watching Brother Frakatuzuli at war.” Captain Ruusa nodded in agreement and responded “I am not sure if it’s his sheer power or the fact that he fought next to our blessed Primarch Sanguinus, but I agree.”

As the two Ice Angels stood in awe Brother Frakatuzuli reached the elevator and stepped in. The doors instantly closed behind him. The elevator moved downwards and then side ways to reach one of the securest parts of the ship. Deep inside the Frozen Rage was a specially designed vault, in it lay one of the Ice Angel’s oldest treasures. As the elevator doors opened Frank turned on his magnetic stabilizers in his legs. This hidden vault had no atmosphere and was home to the Anchor.

The huge dreadnought took several steps down the well worn path towards the center platform. Lights along the wall began to spin as the floor began to shift and open up. Two rings with servo arms came up around Frank as he stopped on the platform. To his left a door on the floor opened and out came a huge claw like apparatus. In the claw itself was the Mark 0 Magna Grappler, known as the Anchor, the last of its kind.

The claw arm along with the servo arms moved and jostled into position while Frank stood motionless. In front of the massive dreadnought a single light flashed from red to green. The arms instantly went to work attaching the Anchor. Several onboard cameras pivoted to monitor the progress. Frank began to think back to the days when he first used the Anchor. After the Heresy the Blood Angels were split into smaller chapters. He became a member of the Angels Encarmine and after only a hundred years they had a small unit of specialists break off to form the current chapter, the Ice Angels. In one of their earliest wars they came across a sacred STC device. This device created the Mark 1 Magna Grapplers that most chapters now use, at least that’s what they told Mars.

The sacred STC actually created gigantic Magna Grapplers with twice the range and power of the standard issues ones used today. The downside was that they could only be welded by much larger dreadnoughts and even then it was difficult to function unless in a vacuum. The STC created 1 grappler every 7 days, but after 6 months of activity it suddenly died to never again awake. The Ice Angels created the current design and shared it with Mars and other chapters, but they have never been able to recreate the Mark 0 Magna Grapplers.

As the rings began to descend into the floor and the claw arm moved away, Frank ran a diagnostic on the Grappler before opening and closing the huge 5 pronged device. He powered up the built in multi-melta system before checking the chain recoil system.

Satisfied that everything was in working order he returned to the elevator and began his final journey to the dreadnought drop pod bay. It was time to visit an Ork Rokk.

This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2012/02/26 16:36:06


   
Made in us
Decrepit Dakkanaut






Madison, WI

Nice Iceangel. Very much enjoyed the detail on the dreadnought... easy read too.

Anvildude: "Honestly, it's kinda refreshing to see an Ork vehicle that doesn't look like a rainbow threw up on it."

Gitsplitta's Unified Painting Theory
 
   
Made in au
Boosting Black Templar Biker






Australia, NSW, Blue Mountains

I agree with Git, nice and interesting read. Can i see this grappler?

DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  
   
Made in us
Blood-Drenched Death Company Marine






Indianapolis

Finch Claw wrote:I agree with Git, nice and interesting read. Can i see this grappler?


Unfortunately the Frank model that I have is him in his normal surface Furioso Suit. I havn't yet made a larger version of him with the Mark 0 Grappler. It is on my to do list though.

   
Made in us
Nigel Stillman





Seattle WA

Very nice, I too look forward to seeing what the "Anchor" looks like


See more on Know Your Meme 
   
Made in us
[SWAP SHOP MOD]
Robot Cat






OH-I Wanna get out of here

You need to either set his name to Frank or Franks, and give a explantion to the name. I get its shortend, but the n comes out of no where. Maybe saying he got the name by being so frank in his speach (to the point) is where it came from whould do.
   
 
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