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"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

That guy Obviously never heard of porn.

Being as i am now 30 and wise to the way of politicians, If Guy Fawkes managed to blow parliament up these days i would laugh my ass off.

And yet, if the IRA or Al Queda managed it i would be disgusted and saddened by it.

What strange creatures we humans are..

Lord Maleval wrote:

JEB_Stuart wrote:

SilverMK2 wrote:This one time France claimed they won in a war...

The French Civil War doesn't count, how many times do we have to tell them!

It's true, it doesn't count.

Here's a little trick that should prove it too.

Go to Google, type "french military victories" into the search bar then click the 'I'm feeling lucky' button. Interesting results follow.

(Caution: This works on Google.ca, not sure about Google.com)

The French having a terrible military history is a joke that went on long enough to stop being funny, and then because people kept repeating it after it stopped being funny they started believing it. Up to and particularly including Napoleon, the French have a tremendous military history.

If you want to look at the great losers of military history, there's really only Russia. Seriously, the only meaningful defence Russia had for centuries was how big it was and how cold it got. You'd crush their army in short order but it was so big it was hard to conquer a meaningful amount of the place before it got too cold and you had to go home.



In other news, I like reading Robespierre quotes about important it was to guillotine people for the good of the country then saying 'and later they cut Robespierre's head off'.
"The terror is only justice: prompt, severe and inflexible"... and later they cut Robespierre's head off.
"Pity is treason"... and later they cut Robespierre's head off.
"To punish the oppressors of humanity is clemency, to forgive them is cruelty"... and later they cut Robespierre's head off.

Sebster, im happy to admit my history isnt particularly good, but, surely not?

I mean, sure Napoleon was nails, but surely the stereotype wouldnt exist if it was the exact opposite?

I mean, i dont know as much History as i should, but even i can think of a few losses, Agincourt being one as i read a Bernard Cornwell book about it! I also loved reading about Vietnam at school and i remember them getting slaughtered at Dien Bien Phu (so i actually got the joke about ten down!)

Anyway, to check your facts i googled "French Military defeats" and here is what i found.

Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

When Britain cheated horribly against the Afrika Korp.

Sadly, my Google-Fu has abandoned me today, so I cannot provide linkage, but I can explain.

British Stage Magician joined up, and was despatched to Africa to fight the Hun.

One of his best tricks was to modify spotlights along the nile, to create a strobe effect. These were superior to normal spotlights, as not only did they provide AA fire with a visible target, but by alternating light/dark on the bomber crew, their eyes were unable to adapt, thus rendering them effectively blind.

But far and away my favourite product of his sly mind were early 'transformers'. You build some Balsawood and Canvas frames, some to resemble Tanks, others to resemble Supply Trucks. You put the Tank ones over Supply Trucks, and Supply Truck ones over Tanks. Each had a pull string which when yanked, would release the camoflaguing frame, catching the Sausage Eaters off guard. When they thought they were attacking a vulnerable Supply Column, they found Tanks. And they'd leave the Tanks alone, neatly allowing supplies through, or commit a large amount of Armour against a bunch of lightly crewed trucks.

Genius! Just wish I could find his name.

@MDG - I love those stories about 'The Magic Gang' - they'd make a brilliant film, possibly starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United Kingdom

Fixed it for you.

Yeah cut and pasted that one mate.. didnt notice that small omission.

Indeed, and seeing as it was in the Nile region, I can't help but wonder if one of the Tank Crews, just before revealing their little masquerade declared

'SURPRISE COCKFACE!' ala Team America as he pulled the cord.

I fervently wish that someone did.

And by typing in 'The Magic Gang'....piff paff poof! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jasper_Maskelyne

Albatross wrote:@MDG - I love those stories about 'The Magic Gang' - they'd make a brilliant film, possibly starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United Kingdom

Fixed it for you.

+1

Of course, that is a bit stereotypical. France have won wars in the past. I think...

Napeolon (and France in general) actually won the first round of Napoleanic Wars. With every country (Spain, Britain, Austria-Hungary, Italy and a few others) against them they still managed to hold thier own and beat them. And in the Dark Ages they fought back a large Moorish invasion-thing. And there were all those mini-countries they beat while being colonists. (If Britain counted them as victories France can to).

Uh oh, is EF a closet Frogophile?

Parle-vous fraincais?
Ca va?
Ca va bien merci, et toi?

I have to say, France is much cooler than America.
See for yourself...

http://www.smilespedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/difference_european_vs_american_girlssized.jpg

I believe hitler having his trousers blown off by a bomb meant to kill him is a reason for much mirth.

France is the only country to have lost to Italy twice.

France is the only country to spawn the French....'nuff said.

But seriously, many moons ago, when I was young and some were even younger, I went on a Scout trip to France. As I was going international, I was given a Union Flag* to sew onto my uniform, which Mumsie duly did so.

And some filthy french fether SPAT on my arm, aiming for the flag. Well, tell you what you fething coward, next time you decide to run away and hide, rather than put up a fight, you and your pissat counrty can bloody whistle. Meanwhile, Britian will point and laugh. Again.

*It's only the Union Jack when flow from a ship.

Second Anglo-Dutch War, take that you silly tea-sipping limeys.

You guys are Honorary Englishmen though, so it works.

@BrookM - Wait...what? You mean the Dutch are GOOD at war? I didn't get that email.

Albatross wrote:@BrookM - Wait...what? You mean the Dutch are GOOD at war? I didn't get that email.

Just because we have the same flag more or less as the frogs does not mean we share the same background like them.

@BrookM - I know mate, I was just kidding . I love De Nederlands. Hup Holland!

mattyrm wrote:
Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

There was no such thing as 'France' in modern sense at this point in history. The nation-state didn't come into existence until after the Treaty of Westphalia was signed in 1648. Prior to that Europe was a tangled mess of noble houses, and royal aspirants. For example, the Plantagenet dynasty that ruled England during the 100 Years War originated in what would become France. Hence their claim to the 'French' throne.

mattyrm wrote:
- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

The Huguenots were French.

mattyrm wrote:
- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

No one lost the 30 years war. There also wasn't a winner. Its also a misnomer to consider this in light of current terminology as the notions of borders, warfare, and nationhood were very different at the time.

mattyrm wrote:
- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action.

America is awful at fighting wars. We only win when other people do most of the work, or we're fighting ourselves.

mattyrm wrote:
- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

Corsica is part of France.


The things about this joke is that the 'rules' it posits can be applied to any other nation on the face of the Earth. Hence the bit above about American military abilities.

Corsica is part of France.

It was annexed by France when Napoleon was a baby (or thereabouts) - his birth name was Naboleone Buona Parte (IIRC). It WAS part of 'Italy' - I use the term loosely, as Italy was a patchwork of minor kingdoms such as Naples and Genoa.

Some Quotes I have heard

A reporter talking to a WWII Japanese Solder.
Reporter: So who were the scariest people to fight?

Japanese Solder: The British were tough fighters who fight in a very regimented style. The Americans would also fight in a regimented style; Machine Gun, Hand Grenade, Flame Thrower. It was those D*m Aussies screaming at you coming screaming through the jungle with a machete in one hand that scared the H*ll out of us.

Another quote was.
Reporter: Who were the best jungle fighters?

Japanese Solder: The British?

Reporter: What about the Americans?

Japanese Solder: They were lousy jungle fighters, they just got rid of it all with Napalm and Bombs

mattyrm wrote:Sebster, im happy to admit my history isnt particularly good, but, surely not?

I mean, sure Napoleon was nails, but surely the stereotype wouldnt exist if it was the exact opposite?

It exists because the French got trounced in WWII, and that was really the kind of gross incompetence that justifies a few generations of humiliation. But before that France or what France would become France had a really excellent record.

I mean, i dont know as much History as i should, but even i can think of a few losses, Agincourt being one as i read a Bernard Cornwell book about it! I also loved reading about Vietnam at school and i remember them getting slaughtered at Dien Bien Phu (so i actually got the joke about ten down!)

Yeah, Agincourt was a trouncing, but it needs to be put in context (later under Hundred Years War). And yeah, their efforts to control Vietnam were poorly funded and

Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

The Romans beat everyone, and beat most of them several times. They beat the Germans soundly in campaigns over three or four occasions during this period.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

Yeah, but the Crusades were characterised by long, disastrous expeditions. If the French screw up there is enough to damn to the list of military losers, then you have to extend the same to the Brits and the Germans.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

Mostly lost? They won. And remember first and foremost, the hundred years war was between French nobles and other French nobles, because French nobles had already gone and conquered Britain and were using it as a base of supply to press for a claim over all of France. Despite Agincourt and a couple of other successful victories, the French nobles ruling Britain, the Plantagenets, lost, and surrendered their claim to the throne.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Assuming you consider Rome and Italy the same, at which point lots of nations had already lost the Romans on several occasions.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

You’re counting a French civil war as a French defeat?

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

Except that is nothing like what happened. France entered the war and invaded territories of the Holy Roman Empire and Spain, and while fighting itself was mixed and chaotic, the end result was that France overcame Spain as the dominant power in Europe.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

Yeah, the French lost… to a combined alliance of Great Britain, Austria and the Holy Roman Empire, Prussia and Portugal, who were allied out of a fear of France coming to dominate continental Europe entirely.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action.

Except for the decisive French naval victory at Chesapeake, which prevented resupply of Yorktown and allowed resupply of Washington’s army. This was followed by a combined American and French force defeating Cornwallis and securing victory. It is for very good reasons that American independence was secured in the Treaty of Paris.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

Eventually they lost having taken on absolutely the entirety of Europe. Before that they decisively trounced everyone on the continent at least once, having trounced each of them in the Revolutionary wars.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Yeah, at this point we’re in post-Napoleon, and the French losing.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States

Tied? They took lands off the other side, got them to admit the whole thing was their fault and made them repay exhorbitant reparations. That isn’t a tie, that’s about as decisive a win as you’ll see. Not that it was a great win, as the whole war basically

And no, the US didn’t save the war. They turned up at the end at which point victory was inevitable, they may or may not have hastened German economic and political collapse.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

Oh yeah, they lost and they sucked. They had more tanks and more planes and each were of better quality than their German counterparts, but they got hammered. But history is longer than 65 years.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Muslims?


Anyhow, sorry for the wall of text.... for the tldr version, up until and including the Napoleonic wars, France won almost all the time, unless they took on everyone else in Europe, in which case they lost. After the Napoleonic’s, Prussia/Germany won almost all the time, unless they took on everyone, in which case they lost.

Of course, Britain got its can kicked at the outset of WWII as well, with the whole BEF at the mercy of the Wiermacht at Dunkirk. Technically, Britain lost there as well and buggered off. It's just that it was the Frenchies who lost thier land.

Yes yes yes, we get it, you pricks are staunch Francophobes.

Jimi Nemesis wrote:June 16 1991

The birth of my friend Ben.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Ben: March 30, 2009 - The day Jimi first showed his penis to a girl

Also the first time Jimi got maced and arrested for attempted rape.

2012.

I honestly think the mayans were tired of making calenders, LOL.

Don't take it too serious Jimi, just having some fun at your expense.

@BrookM: Heh, heh, heh.
What was that Top Gear qoute again? Something along the lines of:

"You see, here, 2nd is just the 1st of the losers."

Too bad France always seems to be coming in 2nd best. Here's a blue ribbon for effort though.

That list is like saying, as some people do, that the Japanese lost WWII in Pearl Harbor. The Japanese won Pearl Harbor and as the IJN postulated they run everybody in circles for 6 months. The problem was that after their aims were met the USA refused to roll over as expected and we know how that ended.

M.

Japan never honestly expected the US to just roll over, but they hoped that if they hit the US hard and fast enough they'd force them to the peace table. (Pearl Harbour alone WOULD have done it if the Air-craft carriers had been caught there). Unfortunately for them, there was far too much public outrage for any chance of a peaceful resolution.

Emperors Faithful wrote:Japan never honestly expected the US to just roll over, but they hoped that if they hit the US hard and fast enough they'd force them to the peace table. (Pearl Harbour alone WOULD have done it if the Air-craft carriers had been caught there). Unfortunately for them, there was far too much public outrage for any chance of a peaceful resolution.

Everyone at the time thought that battleships were still the primary weapons of naval war. Lucky thing that it was really about the carriers.

I think carriers BECAME crucial becuase all thier Battleships got owned. The US had no other choice but to utilise them as much as they could.