Iur_tae_mont wrote:My fav is Home Improvement with Marneus Calgar
I'll post the first one, there are like 5 more scattered on the Internet.
+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++
The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.
The camera makes a swooping move, ending in a garden, outside what appears to be a Eldar house. Marneus Calgar and four other Marines are standing outside the door. They are not wearing any helmets, instead they are wearing yellow hard-hats.
Marneus: Hi everybody, and welcome the my new show, "Home Improvement" with me, Marneus Calgar. To kick of our very first episode, we have a very special guest, whose house is going to get a make over! It´s none other that farseer extrordinare, and all round alien scum, Eldrad Ulthran!
Marneus knocks rather hard on the door. Afte a good while, Eldrad opens it. He´s wearing his night-clothes, covered in litte pictures of Khaine. He gets a look of extreme suspicion in his eyes when he sees Calgar.
Eldrad: Yeees?
Marneus: Congratulations Eldrad! You have been selected to get a free house makeover, on galaxywide T.V!
Eldrad: I didn´t sign up for this.
Marneus: Nobody does.
Two of the Marines manhandle Eldrad out of the house and he disspears from view. Marneus enters the house.
Marneus: Let´s see. We will as always start with the hallway.
The camera makes a sweep over the hallway. It´s white, and there´s a small sofa and a table with a lamp..
Marneus: As we all know, a mans home is his fortress. Now, what would happen if a slvering Carnifex broke into Eldrads hallway? What would he do? Beat him of with a lamp?
Marneus makes a imitation of Eldrad trying to fend of a carnifex with a lamp. The marines roll on the floor with laughter.
Marneus: But fear not! We will help Eldrad! Get to work my brothers!
The Marines beging erecting steel bulkheads along the walls. In the centre, they mount a huge multimelta on a tripod.
Marneus: There, much better. Now on to the living room.
They enter Eldrads living room. It´s a spacious room, filled with exquisite whraithbone ornaments, and spiritstones decorating the walls. Marneus frowns.
Marneus: While Eldrads room might be chique in certain circles, it´s so M.35:ish.... We can do better than that. First though, we have to clear the room.
The marines begin to rip apart the room with the aid of chainswords and powerfists. You can almost hear the faint screams of the eldar spirits when Marneus powerfists smash into the wraithbone covered wall. After a good 30 minutes of wanton destruction, the room is barren. Marneus wipes the sweat from his brow.
Marneus: There, now we can begin decorating. While my brothers are doing that, we can look at the garden.
The camera once again shows Eldrads beautiful garden.
Marneus: Nice, but not wartorn enough for my taste. Brother Altus?
Brother Altus hops on a Marine-bike and begins revving around the garden, leaving deep deep trackmarsk everywhere. Marnues nods, satisfied.
Marneus: Now, for the most important room in the house. The bedroom!
Eldrads bedroom is a sombre place, with a simple cot to sleep on. The room is however dominated by a big mural on one wall, depicting the Eldar gods in one of their wars. It´s magnificent.
Marneus: Today, is the annual of the day when the Emperor defeated the traitor warlord Horus! And what better way to celebrate it, than with a HUGE wallpainting depicting this glorious victory?!
With those words, he begins to paint over the mural. A while later the Marines gather in the livingroom, wich is now dominated by a huge gold Imperial Eagle hanging from the ceiling. Small statues of the Emperor has also been placed everywhere.
Marneus: Now, for the final touches! An new entrance into the kitchen into the living room...
He smashes through the wall with his powerfist. A crude doorway into the kitchen is formed.
Marneus: Some new literature for Eldrad to read, including a SIGNED copy of my new biography, "Marneus, the man behind the armour"!
One of the marines takes up a flamer and roasts Eldrads old books, lying in a pile on the floor. Another marine erects a crude bookshelf and fills it with Empire-approved books.
Marneus: Now, it´s time for Eldrad to see what we have accomplished. I´m sure he´ll be overjoyed!
Eldrad steps in. The camera is so close to Eldrad that you can actually see the vein in his forehead burst.
Eldrad: What in the name of Khaine´s seven body orifices have you done to my house!?!?
Marneus (looking truly hurt): You don´t like it?
The singing spear targeted at his heart is answer enough. As the camera slowly fades out, we see Eldrad and Marneus wrestling on the floor, shouting curses at each other.
FINI.
You want the rest of this:
+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++
The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.
As the camera fades in, we see Marneus and a squad of Marines standing in what appears to be an assault boat.
Marneus: Welcome everybody, to "Home Improvment", with me, Marneus Calgar! For todays show, we´ve got something really special. That´s right, we´re going to redecorate a Hive Ship! If we Ultramarines have learned anything about the Tyranids, it is that they have really bad taste in furniture...
The ship rocks as they make contact with the bio-ships surface. The ramp lowers.
Marneus (holding his nose): My god, what IS that stench?
One of the Marines points to a large orifice in a wall.
Marine: Sir, the stench seems to come from that, umm, hole...
Marneus: Well, do something about it then!
The Marines lobs several Krakgrenades down the hole.
Marneus (surveying the room): Now then, on to decorating. As we can clearly see, the Nids are going for the "veiny and pulsating" style, that was so popular a few years ago. However, nowadays this is hopelessly out of style. But do not worry, we will help them!
The marines, now armed with paintbrushes and paintbuckets begins to apply a thick coat of blue paint to the living walls.
Marneus: As you all can see, the Ultramarine blue matches the gory red of the ceiling fantasticly. Another tip is to mix in a bit of Rhino-fuel in the paint to make it stick to living matter. All these tips and many more can be found in my new book, "Painting made easy, Calgar-style". A number will be displayed right after the show, for ease of ordering.
From the adjacent tunnel, chittering can be heard. It grows and grows in intensity.
Marneus: Oh, I almost forgot to mention. Not all creatures in the galaxy has the same fashion sense as I. Amongst those are genestealers, who reside in large numbers on Hive-ships such as these. They can be quite the annoyance when you work. So, just for this occasion, we have a special guest star! Please welcome Chaplain Xavier, from the immensly popular *grumble grumble* show, Cooking with Chaplain Xavier!
Marneus reaches out and drags Xavier on screen. Xavier waves into the camera.
Xavier: Hi. Umm, Marneus, you said there would be cooking. I don´t see any cooking though...
Marneus (pointing to the chittering tunnel): In there, they are all waiting for you.
Marneus shows Xavier, who is hefting a flamer, into the tunnel.
Xavier (in the distance): Hey, there isn´t anyone here. Hold on, who goes there? Holy cupcakes of the Emperor, Stealers! Ouch, stop that, those claws are sharp! Hey, i said stop it! Allright, thats it. I´ts coooooooking time!
Flaming, alien screams, the sound of claws cutting into ceramite, the sound of alien skulls crushing and the distinct whooping and cheering of Xavier are all heard from the tunnel.
Marneus: Now, let´s get back to decorating. Don´t worry folks, Xavier is doing just fine.
The marines are finished painting and are now hanging up tapestries and small chandeliers. Marneus himself is carving out a statue of the Emperor from the wall with his powerfist. Surprisingly, it actually looks like the Emperor.
Marneus: Well, thats all we have for you today. The producer just informed me that we have run out of time. But don´t worry, we´ll be back next week, with more Home Improvement.
Xavier walks in, dragging a huge pice of roasted meat. He is completly unscathed.
Xavier: Let´s eat!
They all hunker down on the floor. Soon singin erupts. They are roughly interupted by a Carnifex, storming into the chamber and trampling two of the Marines. The Fex then snaps Marneus statue in half.
Marneus: No! You b*stard, I worked hard on that!
As the camera slowly fades out, Marneus and the Fex are wrestling on the floor, Marneus spouting obscenities and the Fex roaring wildly.
END.
______________________________________________
The madness continues...
+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++
The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.
The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.
Marneus: Well, you all know who I am, and what I do, so lets get down to bussiness, mkay? Today we have a very special episode. We are going to let a team from our brother chapter the Space Wolfes, redecorate the Fortress monastery of the Dark Angels chapter, also known as The Rock! And ofcourse, next week the Angels are going to return the favour. Paint will be spilled, walls will be smashed down and hilarity will ensue. Let´s get on with it!
Five Space Marines walks on stage, their markings clearly identifying them as Space Wolfes. They are all wearing the same yellow hard hats as Marneus and his brother Marines were wearing in the first episode. The hard hats look ridicoulusly small on the giant Marines.
Marneus: Well boys, are you excited?
Space Wolf 1: Sure are Calg. We´re really looking forward to this. Me and Ragnar here will do the painting, Anwulf will do all the light fixtures, Erik will work the floors. And finally Bob here (He indicates the fifth marine, who is grinning wildly and hefting a power sledge) will organize all the wanton destruction.
Marneus: Sounds marvelous. Well, in the name of the Emperor, of you go!
The Wolfs rush of stage into a waiting Thunderhawk.
Marneus: Now while they are working, we have 2 hours to spare. So without further ado, please welcome the galaxy-famous dance troupe "Spandex for Khaine"! They´ve come here all the way from the webway, and are going to perform "The fall of the Eldar race".
The camera pivots to reveal a poorly constructed scene, complete with tacky curtains and all. A dozen Harlequins, dressed in marvelous clothes are brutally shoved on stage by Ultramarine stage hands. The Harlequins look rather unhappy, but begin to dance nonetheless. After 1 hour and 59 minutes they are done, and they all collapse on stage from exhaustion. Marneus applauds curtly, then gives a nod to somebody offstage. On cue, 3 Marines with chainswords revving gets on the stage and walks firmly towards the collapsed Eldar. Thankfully the camera turns away at the last moment. The viewers are left only with the horrible sounds erupting from the stage.
Marneus: Now wasn´t that great? Anyhow, time to check up on our friends at the Rock!
[/i]The camera cuts, and then returns. We see Marneus standing in what appears to be the interior of the Rock. Four of the Space Wolfs are there with him.[/i]
Marneus: Where´s Bob?
Space Wolf 1: He got so carried away with the task of creating new and exciting doorways that he punched a hole through a wall.
Space Wolf 2: An exterior wall.
Marneus: Oh. Well, tell me what you have done.
They walk through the deserted hallways of the Rock.
Space Wolf 1: We noticed there was a considerable lack of imagery depicting our beloved father Leman Russ.
Space Wolf 2: We fixed that. Didn´t we Erik?
Space Wolf 3: Sure did. Boy will our fellow Marines be surprised when they enter their dining hall and find a 400 feet tall painting of Russ strangling Lion
El´Jonson. I consider that painting a personal masterpiece. It´s extremely detailed, down to the 10 feet bulging eyes of Jonson.
Marneus: I´m sure it is. Now what about the basement? That´s often the most overlooked part of a house. By the way, you can read about that in my new book, "Fire Down Below, Cellars Explained by Calgar."
Space Wolf 3: Sheesh, let me tell you, the Angels have no taste in cellars... not a roaring fireplace or hunk of
raw meat in sight.
They wander down into the cellars.
Space Wolf 2: Awful I tell you. Instead, there were these small wretched creatures scuttling about. Watchers in the Dark I think he called them.
Marneus: Who called them that?
Space Wolf 2: That chap. He even taught us how to make excellent roast out of them.
He jabs a finger down a corridor. In the bright light of a portable grilling device sits an eerily familiar person, dressed in green power armour. He has several Watchers in the Dark impaled on a stick, slowly roasting.
Space Wolf 3: But that´s not all of it. Everywhere there were these jail cells, and there were Marines locked up! I think the sign said "Dungeon of the Fallen". Anyways, we let them out. Rude devils didn´t even thank us, just ran their way.
Marneus: I love what you´ve done to the lighting down here.
Space Wolf 3: Thanks.
They move on, finally stopping outside a ornate door.The sign says "Private! Do not enter!"
Marneus: And this is?
Space Wolf 1: The private chambers of Azrael.
Marneus: Oh, can i see what... (Bends down to open the door, but is stopped by Space Wolf 1.)
Space Wolf 1: Wouldn´t open that if i were you. We left a small present for Azrael. A token of friendship if you like.
Marneus: Present? Like a Master crafted weapon? A ancient copy of Codex Astartes? Flowers?
Space Wolf 2: Nope. 74 Fenrisian wolfs.
Marneus: Emperors underwear! How on Terra did you manage to get seventyfour 400 pound wolfs into a space, how big?
Space Wolf 3: 3 by 5 meters.
Marneus: 15 square meters.
Space Wolf 2: We don´t really know, but its a wonder the doors holding...
The door creaks considerably, and faint animal moans are heard from inside.
Marneus: It looks like you boys did a fine job! But unfortunately that´s all we have time for today. Tune in the next week for the follow up. Now let´s get out of here before Azrael returns. I don+t want to end up in another wrestling match. My arms still a bit sore since that Fex lats time.
END.
___________________________________________
The madness continues...
+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++
The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.
The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.
Marneus: Hello again faithful viewers! As you all know, last time we let a team of Space Wolfs redecorate the Dark Angles fortress. The results were simply astounding. When Azrael saw what they had accomplished, he suffered FOUR simultaneus heart attacks! Boy was he glad he had that secondary heart... Anyways, on to todays show! Please welcome the Dark Angels!
Applause from the audience as five Dark Angel space marines enter the stage from a side door. They are brandishing meltaguns, chainswords and big nasty-looking melta charges. Uncertainly they wave at the audience.
Marneus: Welcome to the show. You guys excited?
Dark Angel 1 (grimly): Yep. We have a score to settle. Our esteemed brothers, the Space Wolfs, did such a "wonderful" job last time on the show. We simply must return the "favour"...
Marneus: Sounds great! You have a special plan of action?
Dark Angel 2: Smash and tear...
Dark Angel 1 (Shushin at Dark Angel 2): Umm, the usual. Carpets, some nice lighting and murals.
Dark Angel 3: But you said that we would smahs and burn and loot and...
Dark Angel 3 is silenced by Dark Angel 1´s fist.
Dark Angel 1: Carpets.
Marneus: Oh-kay. We´ll off you go!
The Dark Angels march off to a waiting Thunderhawk.
Marneus: Now as usual while we wait, we have some high class entertainment for you! Not like that two bit hack *Ahem*Xavier*Ahem*. I proudly present to you, THE FIRST COMPANY TAP-DANCERS!
The camera pans to reveal a shoddy scene constructed in the shuttlebay of Marneus battle-barge. The curtains open. The Ultramarines first company is standing on the stage, dressed in Tactical Dreadnought armour.
Marneus: Take it away boys!
The Terminators start tapping away. Their heavy ceramite boots are making deep marks in the floor, and the sound is deafening. Marneus is clapping his hands in rythm and smiling.
Marneus (Shouting to make himself heard): And now brother Tiberius solo!
The venerable librarian taps away frenetically. His tapping further and further away from the center of the stage. As the Terminators clap their powerfists in an ever increasing rythm Tiberius is working himself into a frenzy. Too late he sees the "Emergency hatch opening" button on the wall. His ceramite shoulder pad slams into the button.
Tiberius:
Cr*p.
A horrible sucking noise is heard as the 10 meter high shutters open into the cold vacuum of space. Terminators are sucked screaming into space, Tiberius is cursing wildy as he looses his grip and dissapears. Marneus is clinging onto a railing, holding on for his life. Finally the shutters auto close.
Marneus: Ummm. That was certainly unexpected.
He goes to a window.
Marneus: Don´t worry folks, they are A-okay! I think...
Outside marines are bobbing in space, flailing desperatly with their arms and legs. Suddenly a huge asteroid passes by the battle barge, sweeping everything with it. Then a big hand is placed over the camera lens, moving it away. Then we see Marneus face close up. He is smiling a big nervous smile.
Marneus: Let´s see how our Dark Angles are doing!
The camera cuts. When we join Marneus again, he´s standing outside the Fang. Faint smoke is seen rising from it. As he enters the main hall he is joined by the Dark Angels.
Marneus: Well, I´m simply dying to hear what you have done with this place.
Dark Angel 1: Well Marneus, as you can see we have been hard at work. We´ll start right here. As you might remember, the Wolfs made a roof painting in our dining hall commemorating a moment in Imperial history. We decided that such kindness should not go unanswerd. (He points to the roof) This is a less known moment in our glorious history, but important none the less.
Marneus (Gazing up at the roof): It´s Leman Russ getting raped by a Bloodthirster...
Dark Angel 1: Yes. Beautiful, isn´t it? Notice the detail, down to the expression of horror on Russ´s face.
Marneus: Riiight. Moving on.
They wander down the gigantic corridors, occasionly passing by a kicked in door or melta-blasted wall. They enter a cavern, filled with small fenced in areas.
Dark Angel 2: This is were they keep those big wolfs of theirs.
Marneus: Speaking of, were are they?
Dark Angel 3: Oh, some dude in green Power armour came by and took them all. He muttered something about cooking.
Marneus: I won´t press the issue.
They reach an ancient room, filled with generators and various technical artifacts. A large podium is at the end of the room.
Dark Angel 1: This is the room were we found that big hunk-o-junk. I think the sign said "Bjorn" something.
Marneus: Bjorn the Fellhanded, ancient dreadnought hero, champion of Leman Russ and defender of the Fang?
Dark Angel 1: That´s the chap. Quite ferocious actually. We threw him on the wastedump out back.
Marneus: He didn´t resist?
Dark Angel 2 (patting his meltagun): He was quite cooperative after a few blasts of this baby...
Marneus: I´m sorry, but this is all we have time for today. Tune in next week, when we´ll visit Kharn the Berzerker in his Palace of Flesh. I sense some serious redecorating coming up...
A roar is heard, and suddenly a dreadnought burst in through the wall. It´s Bjorn and he´s a bit upset by the looks if it. Deep melta scars decorate his armour.
Dark Angel 2: Back i say! Back!
He fires at Bjorn, who only gets madder. He throws his multi tonnes body at Marneus. As the camera fades out, we see Bjorn holding Marneus by the crotch with his gigantic powerfist. Marneus is screaming obscenites and is trying to rip Bjorns arm off.
END.
_______________________________________________
One more, for the good old days...
+++BEGIN TRANSMISSION+++
The intro plays. Several scenes flash by, Marneus hammering in nails, Marneus painting walls, Marneus running in terror from a mob of angry homeowners... The text "Home Improvement with Marneus Calgar" appears, the the camera cuts to the man in blue himself.
Marneus is standing outside a reddish building, his helmet removed and wearing his distinctive yellow hardhat, complete with bloodspatters...
Marneus: Hello, and welcome to a new episode of HIWMC! It´s been a while since the last episode, but we have been hard at work, solving an unfortunate legal dispute with the the Space Wolfes and the Dark Angels... Thanks to the b*stards in the head office and their love for that hack Xavier, we are now operating on half the regular budget. That means no pause entertainment, no audience and no Tau-sandwiches! D*MN YOU ALL!
He takes a moment to calm himself down.
Marneus: Well, today we are standing here on a unknown deamonworld, outside a house that is owned by none other than the ferocious Kharn the Betrayer!
He knocks on the door. The door is obviously made of flesh, with big veins running down the lenght of it. On a wooden beam placed in eye level is written "K.T. Betrayer". A small welcome-mat decorated with sunflowers is in front of the door. Nobody answers.
Marneus: OPEN UP YOU BIG BAG OF EMPEROR-FORGOTTEN SCUM!
Footsteps are heard from inside, and the door opens. Kharn the Betrayer, World-eater and traitor of men stands in the opening. He´s wearing red bloodstained power armour and a horned helmet. He is also wearing an apron, decorated with small stylized bloodthirsters, dancing happily with each other.
Kharn: Are you selling something?
Marneus: No, we´re....
Kharn: I don´t buy stuff from door-salesmen.
Marneus sniffs in the air.
Marneus: No, we are from Imperial Television and we are recording... Is that cookies i smell?!
Kharn (Looking rather ashamed): Yes, I was just baking some chocolate chip ones. Wait... are we on television right now?
Marneus: Yes.
Kharn rips of the apron, pounds his chest and begins to roar.
Kharn: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE...
He is cut short by Marneus rather large powerfist. Kharn drops like a bag of potatoes.
Marneus: Stuff him in the Rhino, and get him out of here. We´ve got some redecorating to do!
Marneus and his crew all go inside. They enter the hallway, and proceed into the living room.
Marneus:As we can see, Kharn has some... questionable taste in furnishing. But, oh my! Look at that chair!
He indicates a large recliner in the corner, made in black leather with real wood furnishing. He aproaches it and strokes the surface.
Marneus: And look, it´s even got built-in massage! Ahem, I mean, how heretical! Brother Bob, please take this instrument of heresy to my personal Thunderhawk, and have it delivered to quarters on Ultramar. I must personally oversee the... umm... destruction of such an heretical artifact.
Brother Bob hefts the recliner in his arms and exits. Marneus is giddy with joy.
Marneus: Bob! Be sure to take that heretical T.V table too... It would be perfect for my living room. Umm, i mean, we must burn and cleanse it!
Crewmember (offscreen): Hey Marneus, i spotted a blashpemous gold-plated bath-tub in here! Is it okay if I "liberate" it?
Marneus: Of course my brother! We must save Kharn from these foul objects. But enough with the looting, i mean soul-saving, for now! Let´s look at the kitchen.
Marneus enters the kitchen. It´s small and cosy, with a ancient oven in the corner. On top of it sits a tray of freshly baked cookies. Marneus helps himself to a dozen or so.
Marneus: Mmmgluff, I do this for mankind! Gluffgluffmmmmghlfff. Delicious! Now then, lets see what we have here. Clearly, Kharn is opting for a rustic, somewhat rural style of decorating in here. The flesh-walls are complemented nicely by the wood furnishings and woven rugs. However, today we are going for a more Hip-urban style...
He begins to tear out all the wood furnishings, replacing them with steel-slabs and cog-wheels. He nails a notice board to the wall above the table.
Marneus: A top-tip is to use one of these boards for your memory needs. On this board, Kharn can keep track of all his activities and ritual sacrifices. I use 12" steel nails as you can see. Using nails is a art not easily mastered. Fortunately i explain it all in my new book: "Shaft of steel, nailing made easy by M. Calgar." It´s available in all well-stocked book-stores. Do not however confuse it with the similarily named "Shaft of steel, pleasing the ladies, by C. Yarrick." That dirty man does not deserve your money!
In the background, the still hot oven has made Kharns curtains catch flame. The fire quickly leaps to the newly nailed up notice board and the roof. Marneus hard hat catches on fire. Screaming like a girl, he runs out of the house, wich is quickly turned into a fiery inferno. Marneus and the crew can do nothing but watch.
Crewmember: Boss, Kharn is beginning to wake up. What should we do?
Marneus: Umm, dump him on the street. (To the viewers) And that´s about all the time we had today! Hope you enjoyed it as much as usual! See you next time!
Marneus blasts off in his Thunderhawk, leaving the slowly recovering Kharn alone. As he opens his eyes and looks at the inferno consuming his home, tears fall on his heretical cheeks for the first time in many thousand years...
Kharn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
+++END+++
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