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I actually really like it, keep it up!

I just read the OP and if I was browsing 40k books and read this on the back/dust cover I would definitely buy it. In a setting where its easy to have the same things happen with different faces this felt fresh and new. It opens up a large grey area between the Imperium and Chaos no one in universe would admit existed.

I like it a lot. The following are merely suggestions:

1. Instead of all 4 Chaos gods...perhaps they all want him, but he chooses one over the others and thus he earns the spite of the other 3, thus that could provide a meta plot which could break up the story up into different portions

2. Thus have his first choice for example be Slaneesh as his desire is to be with his dead wife... and as he moves towards his goal he is distracted by Tzeentch as he listens to voices in his head telling him that there is a sorcerous way to resurrect her... but then maybe determines that he may have craft a new body for his wife using some sort of flesh golem that ends up having a voracious appetite for the flesh of the living or spews vile illnesses with her every breath (Nurgle)...so now he has wife...but is broken mentally, is vile physically, and she cannot forgive him since her fate was foreshadowed by some throwaway line in chapter 2 where she says that she will love him although it would kill her and she wishes that he would simply go and forget about her since she knows that she has no willpower to resist his love and knows that her lust will not be denied, regardless of the inevitable torment...

So now he has his hearts desire, but he hates himself for what he has become, he hates the cost it has extracted from his allies, his world, his soul...and finds that the cost was too much and decides to kill his recently resurrected zombie wife in a fit of homicidal rage and self loathing and in the darkness of the Warp Khorne laughs as his newest demon prince is given form.

-STS

I love the concept. I'll just comment a couple of things that would rub me the wrong way and some (probably not so good) suggestions to help.

As far as the gene-seed thing, you can avoid the conflict by describing it as an experiment rather than a production method. just a thought.

Also I've noticed in most of the 40k novels I've read that the chaos gods are rarely mentioned by their standard names. Doing so makes your character seem too special, they're gods after all. Keeping vague about the chaos bits drives home that they are only attracting the attention of a small facet of the chaos entities.

One more point. Perhaps you didn't mean it in such a way but to me 'chaos lord' implies astartes. they have all the gene enhanced stats of astartes, wear power armor, etc. Sounds to me like you're describing a corrupt IG commander. I guess if he was in some gene seed experiments he could be astartes-like enough for a chaos lord but to me mortal chaos lord is like an oxymoron.

I like the idea, but I would not make him Horus 2.0. I would either go with one specific Daemon Prince, probably of Tzeentch (he does love his mind games), or Tzeentch himself.

Having him "possessed" by all of the Great Four is a bit much, because the last time we saw a guy like that, it was the Heresy and it took gods to kill gods.

A Chaos Lord is not always an Astartes, though usually they are. A Chaos Lord is anyone in service to the Ruinous Powers who rises in power and prestige enough to be recognized as particularly blessed by his/her patrons. They tend to be gifted the service of lesser servants of Chaos, daemons, CSM warbands, and that sort of thing.

A good example would be a Sorcerer Lord of the Thousand Sons who is a hopped-up Thrall Wizard, with enough power and big, brass balls (figuratively speaking) to please Tzeentch and gets handed a few Flamers and some Rubric Marines.

The Raider King took stock of his followers and allies. With the Dark Eldar present he was glad that in classic Word Bearers snobbery the Apostle had chosen to meditate rather than join the unwashed mortal officers, the Raider King was the only one the Apostle showed any degree of respect for and that was because of his bloodline. Among the throne room were the Seconds to the other captains of the fleet. In the hierarchy of the of pirate fleet the Second of a Captain was often higher in influence because while the captain would never the abandon the ship to possibly mutiny the Second was charged with meeting with other captains and thus would be higher to the commander of a fleet. Each Second was allowed to bring two bodyguards who were usually officers who would often act as advisors and spies overhearing conversations at the feast when they would occasionally leave their lords side.

The Raider King had no seconds, he had Captains even if they had no ship of their own. Lorena of the Lords of Change, a mutant, normal in most aspects but with a whip like right hand, she had no official position accept that she held the loyalty of the mutants aboard the ship which accounted for almost half the crew and had intimate knowledge which planets mutant populations were on the edge of revolt. Her two body guards were a former member of the Spire Guard and the Doctor who had in trying make a vaccine against mutation had turned his entire world into mutants. Then there was Captain of the Flight deck, not much could be said about the man accept he was both competent and loyal, a rare combination. Captain Nashir, an exile of Nostromo who handled maintaining order, he brought no guards as the need to be guarding would be admitting failing to create a proper atmosphere of fear. The Second captains in attendance were somewhat underwhelming, most likely because they either failed in their coups against their Captains or after succeeding as Captain deserted causing the Captains to appoint purposely incompetent Seconds. One stood out, Kim. Kim The Second served aboard the Decadent, she was clad in a leather trench coat made out of only the highest caliber of skins, servants of ecclesiarch, inquisition, and Astarte’s, she was a rare breed among any follower of Chaos, especially that of the Dark Prince, she used Chaos to her own ends to her own vengeance, which usually meant torturing specific prisoner and having the desire to burn particular planets, Slaanesh was just an alluring power to rule over the hearts of those around her, she had no bodyguards but that’s because she like other servants of the Dark Prince wanted the glory for herself and no one else.

The Raider King a descendant from a Davinite Priestess, the same one that killed Erebus and was later killed by Erebus brought two Guards. Alexander and #1879 were his bodyguards.The Raider King was born in the Eye on a planet ruled by the Bearer of the Word, he did’nt understand the Imperium, but these two men did, which was why he kept them both at his side because they understood the Imperial mind. The highbrow and the lowbrow. Alexander and #1879 hated each other not for Chaotic reasons, or any real reasons except the circumstances they rebelled against the Imperium. Though Alexander was swashbuckling mercenary pirate murderer when The Raider King found him originally he was a naive nobleman who just wanted to be able to marry a woman with tainted genes. #1879 was the teenage son of an arbiter, one day he would be an arbiter too, then Angron came, he ended up in a concentration camp, witnessed his parents and younger siblings who couldn’t work as hard as him beaten to death by guards before escaping, carrying out contract killings before unknowingly being the enforcer for the corrupted planetary governor of Arnemia VII. To #1879 Alexander was just a spoiled rich kid who choose his fate. He fought for the revenge of being betrayed by the Imperium, and just like most Imperials he carried a bitter bigotry towards those with even the slightest genetic variance even if it was just a sixth finger.
Yes Arnemia VII, a planet that they had failed to save. Being attuned to the warp in a way only his bloodline where he could sense the world’s death. A planet in the galactic north, outside of the Emperors light it had served as a perfect place for those fleeing the Emperors justice to settle, and later to launch raids.




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But the Imperium did respond eventually. To Save Arnemia VII from certain destruction they sent two cruisers and six Idolaters to raid the supply lines and burn the world of the army sailing to destroy their world. It failed, when word spread that their home worlds were being laid waste many officers demanded to return with their fleets, however the fleet had Astartes and Sisters of battle who after boarding several ships and performing summary executions had put an end to any thoughts of turning away from their objective. This was a factor the Raider King had hoped would’nt happen but it was a risk he took because he had too. How would he put it to the crew, many of which had known only that world, other who had happily adopted it as their new home and had raised families to make up for the dead ones they left at Armageddon.

This meant two things, first they would need to return to the eye. Second, the leaders of Arnemia VII were the ones who hired the Eldar and from what he knew about what passed for a society amoung aliens the only thing that could get them passage back into their city was human captives. "ALL WEOPONS PLATFORMS IT IS TIME" he voxed.


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Yes I know its badly edited and am planning on putting the different pieces together on a separate thread.