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Vulcan wrote:

KingCracker wrote:Your mom jokes can be pretty effective. Problem with them is, when Nerdy guy says it to strong footballers, the outcome can be pretty painful

Ah, yes, but after that point they cease being coworkers, and thereafter they aren't a problem anymore. Play your cards right and they might even wind up in jail, at the cost of a few days off and collecting workman's comp... or gaining the option to sue them out of their pants.

Only if you can prove it. If they all say they were at Billy Bob's Bar and Grill you're SLOL.

Or the good old standby of beating you then reminding you if you nark, you sleep with the fishes.

Sleep with their mums.

Sharpen a very huge blade while playing...

MeanGreenStompa wrote:Sleep with their mums.

You say that to everyone about every problem.

I agree.

MeanGreenStompa wrote:Sleep with their mums.

Or sleep with them.

Lord Rogukiel wrote:Find out what they enjoy doing in their free time. Beat them at it.

Binge drinking, date rape and hiding closeted homosexual urges?

"Date Ape"



I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

Chowderhead wrote:"Date Ape"



I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.

Curse my stubby fingers...

Easy E wrote:So real advice time.

People make fun of you to get a reaction. So, beat them to the punchline and make fun of your own habits first.

Yeah I can take their insults pretty well because all there insults really just suck. I need really subtle insults that won't start a big confrontation. I know how totally immature this all sounds and Even I think this is all pretty sad. But i'm loving this thread and all its lolz.

See in my group of friends, I'm the guy that everyone loves to take the piss out of because I speak my mind about anything and everything, its actually quite nice, because I get a lot of attention and I get to say what I want.

Do what I do....

First Challenge their man hood my saying your (can I say that on dakka?) is bigger (my friends just usually crack up and shut up) then if they get mad and approach you, say "So you are agreeing that you have a small one, because you getting mad at me is giving me all the implications....

Then if they start to verbally attack you, just start saying "I know" or "I'm sorry i'll try to get better/improve myself in the way you see fit" or "I totally agree with you". Usually at this point my mates heads start to explode and they shut up and I can back to playing video games, warhammer and drinking!

I dunno man, if you're the sort of chap that needs to go online for advice on how to be witty, then I'm guessing you're not exactly Oscar Wilde. Basically, having pre-prepared put-downs is like using 'chat-up lines' - they suck and never work, except when used ironically. If you can't come up with any good come-backs on your own, just ignore them, as using memorised lines will leave you sounding like Brick Tamland from Anchorman: "Where did you get those suits? The... Toilet store?"

Yeah, lame. It'll just make matters worse, trust me.

Have you considered the possibility that they're just having a bit of banter with you, and that they actually like you? Most British lads mercilessly rip the piss out of their mates ALL THE TIME. I dunno what it's like over there.

Something else to consider, I reckon the funniest people are the ones that have suffered a bit first, that's why really good comedians seem to be pretty tortured souls. So, learn to harden yourself against their garbage and once you've done that, you'll be that much better at snapping off cool one liners in the future.

Or, snitch and spready rumours about them behind their backs...the best kind of aggressive is passive aggressive!

I am a carpenter foreman and my rule is, if I'm not making fun of you, I don't like you. So there's that.

"There is only one thing worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." - Wilde.

Albatross wrote:I dunno what it's like over there.

This is how it goes:

Monster Rain, myself, yourself, and Matty all sit down to a brew (shot). Matty and I talk gak about being hard (I'm not, but who turns down a Marine fight?). Matty and I circle Simpsons style, you and MR figure that you're in Rome...

...profit!

mattyrm wrote:If you arent overweight this is of no use whatsoever, but I recall I was in a canteen in Iraq and a bloke shouted to one of the chefs "Shut up fatty!" and the chef replied..

"Its not my fault, every time I feth your mom she gives me a Twix!"

You get Twix in the US I know cos I ate the peanut butter ones.. but if they aren't as popular, you can just replace it with a Snickers or something.

This one is a famous line from a Cricket player, actually. Eddo Brandes.

wiki wrote:He gained fame for his noted and oft quoted exchange with Glenn McGrath, after McGrath gets frustrated at being unable to dismiss Brandes. The bowler asked: "Why are you so fat?" to which Brandes replied: "Because every time I feth your wife she gives me a biscuit."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddo_Brandes

daedalus wrote:The solution is simple. Outdrive them.

I can get damn near 300 yards on a drive (when I connect)

That's professional standard, you know. I mean Tiger Woods averages about 280 yards a drive.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

mattyrm wrote:If you arent overweight this is of no use whatsoever, but I recall I was in a canteen in Iraq and a bloke shouted to one of the chefs "Shut up fatty!" and the chef replied..

"Its not my fault, every time I feth your mom she gives me a Twix!"

That comes from cricket, actually. Australian fast bowling great and generally grumpy man Glenn McGrath was bowling to Eddo Brandes, the rather fat Zimbabwean chicken farmer, who was batting at no 11. McGrath got annoyed at being unable to get Brandes out and asked 'why are you so fat?', to which Brandes replied 'because every time I fethed your Mum she gave me a biscuit'.

Brandes has said he wished he was more famous for his cricket than one piece of sledging, but it is what it is.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

Mannahnin wrote:This one is a famous line from a Cricket player, actually. Eddo Brandes.

ninja'd!

1) Start adjusting your collar while claiming that you get no respect

2) Scream "we're all gonna get laid!" and start dancing.

3) Never stop dancing, no matter how uncomfortable everyone gets.

4) Bask in the glory of having trolled a golf course with style.

Frazzled wrote:

Vulcan wrote:

KingCracker wrote:Your mom jokes can be pretty effective. Problem with them is, when Nerdy guy says it to strong footballers, the outcome can be pretty painful

Ah, yes, but after that point they cease being coworkers, and thereafter they aren't a problem anymore. Play your cards right and they might even wind up in jail, at the cost of a few days off and collecting workman's comp... or gaining the option to sue them out of their pants.

Only if you can prove it. If they all say they were at Billy Bob's Bar and Grill you're SLOL.

Or the good old standby of beating you then reminding you if you nark, you sleep with the fishes.

I thought we were talking about jerks, not outright gangsters!


Automatically Appended Next Post:

King Crow wrote:Yeah I can take their insults pretty well because all there insults really just suck. I need really subtle insults that won't start a big confrontation. I know how totally immature this all sounds and Even I think this is all pretty sad. But i'm loving this thread and all its lolz.

If their insults suck, trump them. Say something worse about yourself and laugh. After a while they'll get bored and go looking for someone who can't come up with better insults then they can.

Me and my friends make fun of each other as well. With these kids it's different. They'll make fun of me or give me gak and i'll just kinda laugh and send an insult back and they either just go back to work or talk to someone else and probably talk gak about me. The one douchy one only makes fun of my videogaming, not even that well. I can tell that they don't like me. Whatever though, it's not like i like them much either and they don't get really get under my skin. I think the big part is that i'm really the outsider. They all got hired because they're friends with the bosses son. I got hired cause my brothers worked there like 7 years ago. Iv'e just been minding my own and they don't seem to even talk to me anymore at all. Just about me behind my back cause they want my dick.

Get play-do and start making furry rabbits

lol. hey brother, i went through the same (cant say that on dakka).
well kinda,..... i used to bring my mini's to work to paint at lunch break. and the manager of the warehouse said what the hell am i painting? i told him its miniatures for a toble top strategy game.

the next day he brought a bunch of green armymen toys to work, and started clowing me, (making gun noises with his mouth, boom booms, running the toys about and such) i told him.

You see, you are playing with toys mate. but these here are miniatures. i dont know if you can afford them, and if you could, you seem to lack the skill of actually being able to game something of this grand scale

He asked how its played, and the next week, he bought, Chaos Space marines, Dark Eldar,( Necrons for his gal.) and Imperial Guard.

Play smart with the trolls

They dont like to feel belittled...

or you can crack em in the head with a crowbar . but i would STRONGLY go against he last ditch option mate. just a joke, we dont need anymore trench coat mafia's

the world is full of dumb,
(cant say that word on dakka), just do as everyone else says, ignore em, your Better then them. some peoples lifes are so crappy, they enjoy making everyone else's life crappy. just move on.

Make them feel stupid by using a big word that you know they don't understand. It will not only degrade them, but also boost your confidence.

Get to know them, become friends and then eventually lovers. Then, after a lengthy and passionate love affair, leave them without an explanation and watch as their lives crumble to dust as they struggle to adjust to life without you.

sebster wrote:
That's professional standard, you know. I mean Tiger Woods averages about 280 yards a drive.

But Tiger can keep it on the fairway.

rubiksnoob wrote:Get to know them, become friends and then eventually lovers. Then, after a lengthy and passionate love affair, leave them without an explanation and watch as their lives crumble to dust as they struggle to adjust to life without you.

Ah the old sleep with all the men at work rouse a classic if ever there was one!

I believe that's now called the "Joan Holloway."

dogma wrote:

Albatross wrote:I dunno what it's like over there.

This is how it goes:

Monster Rain, myself, yourself, and Matty all sit down to a brew (shot). Matty and I talk gak about being hard (I'm not, but who turns down a Marine fight?). Matty and I circle Simpsons style, you and MR figure that you're in Rome...

...profit!

Substitute the word 'brew' for the word 'bong' and I believe we have a deal. A gay old deal.

dogma wrote:But Tiger can keep it on the fairway.

Fairways are for girlie men afraid of drop bears.

And Tasmanian Tigers.