Ive delted this now.

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**Warhammerking10**

Ive deleted since, i have had about ten hate pm's.

**Castiel**

Warhammerking10 wrote:During the Horus Heresy the Dragons of Redemption we're a small group of spacer marines that we're used for extermination of Heretics and other renegades. The participated in many battles among the stars. Once the siege of Terra (Earth) began they we're in the background of all the Major battles. Their Chapter master Yax lead them into battle. 54 Days they fought in the most deadly fields of war and 54 days they lost many battle brothers along the way. On the 55 day the place knew they could not hold back against the Hordes of heretics. Word moved down the vast ranks and Chapters "Space wolves and Dark Angels will be here soon stand firm!." Yax of course didn't believe that reinforcements would come to their aid. Imperial guard continue to Hold the line along with many Chapters of Space marines. Some believe that Horus disabled his Battle barges void shields because, he had regret that her started the Heresy. But Heretic forces had breached the palace on many angles. The Dragons of redemption continued to hold the line against the vast Hordes of Heretics. Yax and his men watched the Emperor, Sanguinius and a Few companies of Blood angels race towards Horus battle Barge. The Events from that point changed the Horus Heresy. Yax's right hand Man; Chavius Vile turned to Yax his Bolter held high he shot at Yax multiple times. The rounds from the Bolter pierced Yax's chest plate and Backpack. The rounds that hit the Chest plate went straight through him. Chavius Vile then struck his power sword into his chest plate and sent him to the ground. This then made Yax look to be in the impaled position on the ground. Chavius then relayed Space marines from The Dragons of redemption and pushed through the hordes of Heretics. They disappeared into the Vast amounts of Heretics. Dragons of Redemption Reinforcements arrived at the Defensive Line. As they arrived they saw a Heretic banner with Yax's corpse on it. Filled with rage the Dragons of Redemption called in a Huge air strike from their Battle barge in orbit. Although the strike was at Danger close no Space marines we're harmed. The heretics on the other hand we're blew to pieces. At this point they began to retreat. Word came through the Comm Links "Horus is dead." As the heretics fell back the Dragons of Redemption fired rapidly into their ranks killing many along the way. They chose to chase after them. So they did. They ran firing their Bolters into the Coward heretics back. Sergeant "Vector" Lead his squads into the charge. A round hit his hand taking it straight off. That didn't stop him though. They follow the Heretics back to their landing zones. When their extraction ships came a huge volley, of Rockets and other weapons hit them taking them all down. The Horus heresy was over. Horus was dead, the heretics retreating. But at what cost? The God Emperor was "Disabled" Yax was dead. A new leader of the Dragons of Redemption stood up... Chapter master; Talon.

1: That's a huge text wall, you could do with breaking it up a bit.

2: Is this an alternative Heresy or are you trying to add your own chapter into the Heresy?

**Luckless**

Wow, well first off mate if you plan on going with this idea you'll have some trouble getting people to like it. It's usually not accepted to make your army to be one of the missing legions not to mention
having them in the heresy(which is completely against canon). Also try and make it a bit less all important, other then the original chapters no one chapter has that giant of an effect.
And I would work on your grammar you have way to many we'res where they should be were.

**blood reaper**

Yeah this is flawed in several ways I can't explain. May I ask have you read anything on the Horus Heresy or Current History of the Space Marines?

**blood reaper**

Warhammerking10 wrote:Ive deleted since, i have had about ten hate pm's.

Hate or warning? Or just suggestions that seem like hate......

**SilverMK2**

As much as I like to see background fluff being added to armies, I have a bit of background reading for you:

The Heresy in general:
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Horus_heresy

Regarding the second founding/Space Marine legions:
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Space_Marine_Legions
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Second_Founding

Regards the unknown legions:
http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Two_unknown_legions

In terms of general writing, lay out what you want to say in a brief plan before you write it. That way hopefully you will get a better flow and structure, rather than a flow of consciousness...

**Lint**

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to create a heresy era chapter/legion. Anything is possible, and it's entirely subjective.
If you like the fluff you've created, that's really all that matters.
On the other hand, if you're going to post it publicly, you've got to use proper grammer and punctuation. That way people don't get nosebleeds trying to follow a wall of text.

**purplefood**

Lint wrote:I don't see anything wrong with wanting to create a heresy era chapter/legion. Anything is possible, and it's entirely subjective.
If you like the fluff you've created, that's really all that matters.
On the other hand, if you're going to post it publicly, you've got to use proper grammer and punctuation. That way people don't get nosebleeds trying to follow a wall of text.

And if they want us to give our thoughts and feeling on it you have to realise most people will point out that it contradicts with established fluff...
Unless you say it is supposed to be a different timeline then i suppose it's all good.

**SilverMK2**

Lint wrote:I don't see anything wrong with wanting to create a heresy era chapter/legion. Anything is possible, and it's entirely subjective.
If you like the fluff you've created, that's really all that matters.

As purple mentions; there were no chapters during the HH, going by the established fluff. There are some bits of the canon that you just don't mess with (IMO) - no chaos GK's, no chapters during the HH, no "lost legion" chapters (with rule of cool exceptions

), and in addition, no Mary Sue Marines.

Other than that, do whatever you want

**purplefood**

SilverMK2 wrote:
Lint wrote:I don't see anything wrong with wanting to create a heresy era chapter/legion. Anything is possible, and it's entirely subjective.
If you like the fluff you've created, that's really all that matters.

As purple mentions; there were no chapters during the HH, going by the established fluff. There are some bits of the canon that you just don't mess with (IMO) - no chaos GK's, no chapters during the HH, no "lost legion" chapters (with rule of cool exceptions ), and in addition, no Mary Sue Marines.

Other than that, do whatever you want

In fainess the bits of the cnon you don't mess with are the bits that are antithesis to the armies feel or the background.

**Deathly Angel**

IMHO this story would be perfectly fine if your Chapter was part of an already existing loyalist Legion...