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Found this list on another site, thought it was funny so had to post here. Hope you find it just as funny..

An Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
7. Thou shall not refer to Space Marines as Ass-tarts.
8. Thou shall not play with flamers.
9. Thou shall not refer to Space Marines as Bucking Broncos.
10. On the fear of his or her life. Thou shall not lie to an officer in the presence of a Psyker and Commissar.

1, 4 - LMAO.
3, 7 and 9 - dead Guardsman.

Guard Commissar rules:

-Do not retreat until he says so.
-Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
-Do not think about retreating before he says so.
-Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
-Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
-Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
-Do not fap to the women that are xenos, heretics, or mutants while in the field of battle... or outside.
-Do not fap to human women either, he'll execute you on the grounds of heresy.
-Do not fap AT ALL Because it is heresy. No! Fap to the Corpse-Empero- wait, I kinda gave that away, didn't- *BLAM* HERESY!!
-Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations, it's the same as treason.
-Do not look at your commissar with a grimdark look, he'll assume you want to kill him.
-Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
-Do not worship the ruinous powers.
-Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
-Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
-Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
-Do not think AT ALL or he'll think you are thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
-Do not fall ill. Nurgle worship.
-Do not fall seriously ill. Serious Nurgle worship.
-Do not think about getting ill. More Nurgle worship.
-Do not think abou- To Hell with this, you are already thinking about getting ill *BLAM*
-Do not openly question his orders.
-Do not question his orders behind his back either.
-Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
-Do not suggest that said "suicidal" Commissar should join the enemy, if he is able to kill his squad so quickly.
-Do not suggest anything, lest he take it for Heresy.
-Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators. *BLAM* Insubordination!
-Do not mention that the sanctioned Psykers scare you more than him. *BLAM* Insubordination again!
-Do not mention that he is the most useless unit to have in a command squad. *BLAM* Insubordination again! Why won't you die!?
-Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone unless you have a pretty good reason as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
-DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they're *BLAM*
-Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He will have you flogged for cowardice.
-Do not ask a Commissar for a flogging. He WILL have you shot in the spine for being a Slaaneshi Cultist. Not that that's a bad thing, being a Sla-*BLAM* Heresy!!!
-Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no army.
-Do not give a Commissar a cookie, or he'll think you are trying to poison him. You chaos worshipping freak.
-Do not be bald, then you are a Genestealer.
-Do not be balding, then you are becoming a Genestealer.
-Do not think about balding, then you are thinking about becoming a Genestealer.
-Do not think about thinking about balding, you don't wanna become a Genestealer.

Brother Coa wrote:-Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no army.

lol.

Perhaps change this thread topic to allow people to post their ideas? This could turn out well

Banzaimash wrote:

Brother Coa wrote:-Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no army.

lol.

Is it coincidence that I made a joke like that up and put it in my sig?

Here's what I came up with from the top of my head.

-Thou shalt not refer to BA as "vamps"
-Thou shalt not pour glitter on BA
-Thou shalt not refer to SW as furries
-Thou shalt not challenge a Noise Marine to a Rock off. You will lose.
-Thou shalt not command a Sister of Battle to strip, so that thee may inspect her armor
-Thou shalt not ask thy tech-priest for a pulse rifle.
-Thou shalt not suggest to thy tech-priest that Tau tech would be worth researching
-Thou shalt not write on thy Chimera "My other tank is a lemun russ"
-Thou shalt not write on thy lemun russ "My other tank is a baneblade"
-Thou shalt not write on thy baneblade "My other tank is a CRASSUS ARMORED ASSAULT TRANSPORT"
-Thou shalt not use thy lasgun as a lighter.
-Thou shalt not use the machine spirit to play pong
-Thou shalt not offer a salamander a bucket of "Cadian Fried Kroot". Thou shall be burnt.
-Thou shalt not fist bump a Iron Hand. Thou hand wilst be broken.

Thou shalt be killed to a man

oh wait, that's from the PDF commandments

Thou shalt not stick a "Honk if I'm hotter than thou" sticker on a Sisters of Battle Rhino
Thou shalt not honk if thou seest the above sticker
Thou shalt not ask a Dark Angel if they know any good secrets. Thou will die.
Thou shalt not give the Black Templars a Xenos Psyker Kitten for Christmas. Thou will die.
Thou shalt not throw a stick or ball and tell a Space Wolf to "fetch". Thou will die again.
If thou turn to Chaos, thou must festoon everything with spikes.
Thou shalt not ask Horus why he has "Daddy issues".

Thou shalt not die without permission.
Thou shalt not stare at the Sisters of Battle cleavage
Thou shalt not look at the top secret Grey Knights
Thou shalt not ask a Howling Banshee for her phone number
Thou shalt not call Marbo Rambo
Thou shalt not feed the Gaunts

The engineer in me hates negative requirements like this....

So I adjusted to be more positive:
1. Thou shall camp in the ministorum sanctioned area. (See Commish rules above to criteria inside of sanctioned camping areas)
2. Thou shall cut their hair at a command approved facility.
3. Thou shall avoid any type of contact with space marines in general. (They run into things, including your skull)
4. Thou shall maintain their issued lasrifle at all times. (See your commish if you lose it for "reassesment")
5. Thou shall use all las muitions and throw yourself at the enemy before using a grenade.
6. Thou shall follow rule 5 or visit the commish for "reassesment".
7. Thou shall only speak to space marines in reverence. (Else...Commish)
8. Thou shall use a flamer if issued one, then a las gun, then throw ones self at the enemy. (No grenades are ever given to the pyro minded troopers)
9. Thou shall appologize to space marines if they run into you, it's clearly your fault.
10. On the fear of his or her life. Thou shall speak when commanded verbally, those responding to non-verbally see commish for "reassesment".

I was going to replace #9 - because I did not think it was that funny with "Thou shall not call orks - 'Cute'!"

I also thought about making another one "Thou shall not tell a space marine to 'Grow a Pair' as the space marines have been surgically altered to be incapable of normal reproduction"

-Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He will have you flogged for cowardice.

Tear in my eyes

I thought about rules for Slaanesh Followers

1.) Thou shall not refer to the god Slaanesh as a 'Hermie' or 'Hermaphrodite' or Jamie Lee Curtis
2.) Thou shall not ask for a hand job from the demonettes
3.) Thou shall not refer to the god/godess Slaanesh as 'She who is thirsty'
4.) Thou shall not refer to Slaanesh as a 'Ho Fo Show'
5.) Thou shall not give a greater demon of slaanesh a 'purple nurple'
6.) Thou shall not refer to Khorne as 'horny' as the god that you worship fills that role
7.) Thou shall not refer to nurglings as 'cute little bags of fun filled pus'
8.) Thou shall not refer to Tzeench as 'the god of the crossdresser", that god of change does not mean that type of change
9.) Thou shall not tell a demon or demonette of Slaaanesh that you 'want to slow things down' or 'you want to wait for a better time'
10.) Thou shall not ask a demon or demonette of Slaanesh 'Do you have protection?'

Thou shalt not joyride thine ally's Leman Russ.
Thou shalt not engage a Necron in a staring contest.
Thou shalt not ever mention squa*undecipherable text* on pain of death.
Thou shalt not question why there seems to be only one nationality in the 41st Millennium.
Thou shalt shout 'For the Emperor!' upon every charge.

For Followers of Khorne
Thou shall not under penalty of death say 'I am just not feeling that blood rage thing today!'



Automatically Appended Next Post:
For Nurgle Worshipers:
Thou shall not complain 'Man is that another pimple on my face!?' that is a 'gift' from your god

"And the GOD-EMPEROR spake, saying 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'"

Black Templars Instruction Manual for the Holy Orb of Antioch.

Here's a few:
1. Thou shalt not take tyranids home for thy children, no matter how cute.
2. Thou shalt not ask the Salamanders if they "need a light" or "cannot take the heat"
3, Thou shalt not download images or videoes of the holy Sisters of Battle from the Astropath.
4. Thou shalt not brofist with a space marine wearing a power fist
5. Thou shalt not mention the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike
6. Seriously, we mean it

Ork 10 commandments

I. Ya shalt 'ave no boss 'afore me ya gits, or I'll give ya a thump
II. Ya shalt gots no idols 'uv any 'uver godz 'sides gork an mork. If ya does, I'll shuv 'em down yer throat.
III. Ya ain't gonna use me name in vain. Or gork or mork. Dat would be just stoopid
IV. Ya shalt keep da Waaagh 'n honour it 'n stuff
V. Ya watch yer mouth wif da nobz. If yous a nob, you watch yer mouth wif me. In fact, watch yer mouth wif me alwayz.
VI. Ya shalt kill, 'specially the enemy.
VII. Ya not gonna kommit adult-ry (join'in anuther boss' band) Dat'll get ya really really killed.
VIII. Ya shalt keep yer paws off'a gear dat ain't yours. Unless it's da enemy's.
IX. Ya not gonna lie to me or da nobz. I don't care if ya lie to yer mates ya squig.
X. Ya ain't ever gonna look at me shoota or klaw or wagon and wish it wuz yours, else I'll show you 'ow well it killz.

Thou shalt not move more than 6" at a time. Unless thou art running, in which case thou can move a little bit more, but only a random amount more every time thou elects to run.

Thou shall not antagonize thy Sisters of Battle while they are on the "Red Tide"

lol if i was a guardsman I'd probably shoot the commissar for being such a douche.. I'm gonna die anyways why not go out with a bang of self respect?

shadowsnip wrote:lol if i was a guardsman I'd probably shoot the commissar for being such a douche.. I'm gonna die anyways why not go out with a bang of self respect?

...because that'd mean treason, heresy and eternal damnation because you rebelled against the God-Emperor?

Castiel wrote:Thou shalt not ask Horus why he has "Daddy issues".

On second thoughts, if you actually managed to ask that and not be killed, you'd be a legend, not up for discipline.

snake wrote:Thou shalt not move more than 6" at a time. Unless thou art running, in which case thou can move a little bit more, but only a random amount more every time thou elects to run.

Classic, although in real life that wouldn't be running but rather tiptoing (is that the right spelling?).

It's funny the older editions, not everything moved the same. The Eldar were 6", marines and IG were 4", Squats and ratlings were 2" due to their size. Though they were many times mounted on trikes so they zoomed around anyway.

You know the squats were the ones who invented terminator armour. The squad version of the armour is hilarious... to look at

Eiluj The Farseer wrote: Heresy

This post has been purged of extreme heretical content. A representitive of the Officio Assassinorum will be with you shortly, please stay on the line.

-Thou armor is not made of "Reinforced Cardbordium" it is a mixture of armaplas alloys and ceramics.

Thou shall not overcharge lasgun with D batteries lest though forget Guardsmen Yorkic.

Do not speak of Yorkic.

Do not commentate of the 'suck' the Sisters of battle produce. For your doom shall come quick.

Do not ask to join rearguard even if though is in though holy first assault force. You shall be flogged and forced to only carry a wooden sword.

Thou shall not steal the commissionar's smokes.
Thou shall not light said smokes with their lasgun.
Thou shall not sell said smokes.
Smoking is considered heresy...Bam.

Thou shalt not make arrow in the knee jokes in earshot of the commissar.