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For you, dear wargamer: A humble Discordian game.

www.warpheim.com

In coming weeks there will be a Kickstarter set up to hire all the artists, animators, prostitutes, scientists, and exotic dancers required to make the next draft.

In the meantime, please tear this thing to pieces. Discordianism is 55 years old this year, and what better way to celebrate that fact than with a book that is a deconstruction of Discordianism, followed by a ruthless deconstruction of said book?

You are free to host Warpheim on your own sites, spread or ignore it as you see fit, and generally enjoy it in whatever manner you deem appropriate. Play safe!

Fnord.

Hail Eris!

Sooo, I'm reading through this, and... "jumping off a sky-scraper to strap a time bomb to a pterodactyl" ? Really ?

That's frikking awesome. :3

Also, bonus point for Discordianism. Or not.

I like the rules for pets:

Cats, Other Pets
If a non-sentient animal jumps onto the table, models that
are knocked over will be affected in-game. Terrain remains
where it is moved. Models that are knocked over onto their
sides or backs will count as
Knocked Down
. Models that are
knocked over onto their faces will count as
Stunned
. Models
that are knocked off the table or out of the gaming area
are immediately taken
Out of Action
but will not roll for a
Humiliating Injury after the mission. They will still be
able to participate in the Post-Game Sequence. Intentional
application of the feline device to the gaming area will
result in the immediate forfiet of the offending party.

Sounds l like my kind of game.

I never made it to the website.

Poltergeist upholstery heist!!

 cybogoblin wrote:
Fnord.

Most people actually type something when they want a +1 post count post. How did you post a blank message, anyway?

 cybogoblin wrote:
Fnord.

Nice.

FYI (to others not in the know) - Fnord was originally the typographic representation of disinformation or irrelevant information intending to misdirect, with the implication of a worldwide conspiracy. In The Illuminatus! Trilogy, free minded people can see the word Fnord between the normal lines of text, so the word can be seen as a joke based on the popular phrase To Read Between the Lines, with the novel implying a philosophy similar to Timothy Leary's attitude of Turn on, tune in, drop out by implying that schools do not teach people to be critical thinkers. The word was coined as a nonsensical term with religious undertones in the Discordian religious text Principia Discordia (1965) by Kerry Thornley and Greg Hill, but was popularized by The Illuminatus! Trilogy (1975) of satirical conspiracy fiction novels by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson...

Nice.

 scarletsquig wrote:
I like the rules for pets:

Cats, Other Pets
If a non-sentient animal jumps onto the table, models that
are knocked over will be affected in-game. Terrain remains
where it is moved. Models that are knocked over onto their
sides or backs will count as
Knocked Down
. Models that are
knocked over onto their faces will count as
Stunned
. Models
that are knocked off the table or out of the gaming area
are immediately taken
Out of Action
but will not roll for a
Humiliating Injury after the mission. They will still be
able to participate in the Post-Game Sequence. Intentional
application of the feline device to the gaming area will
result in the immediate forfiet of the offending party.

... *Sigh* Cats are sentient. There's not a single animal that could be in a position to jump on your gaming table that wouldn't be sentient.

The sentience quotient of humans are +13, with almost the entirety of the animal kingdom being only a couple of points lower. You have to go into the plant kingdom to find negative sentience quotient (and even then carnivorous plants are at +1).

 Kovnik Obama wrote:
You are terrible and here is the science why:

Thank you. More like this, please!

To this humble one's profound shame the pdf available to you is but a faded simulacrum of the original, said original having been lost to preventable computer troubles about a month ago. While the Northbridge heat sink was repaired, one was only able to recover a flawed version of the master document, repaired from another draft and from memory as best as possible. This isn't even the most offensive mistake that was in here, though rest assured it was once 'fixed' and will be so again in the final copy of the first edition in 2014.

In the meantime, please continue to ruthlessly tear this thing apart.

Everybody burn this book, and perhaps we can huddle together for a moment in the darkness to warm ourselves from its embers.


Now then: Today, on the fifth day of Warpheim and the 17th of September, a declaration is made:

At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of Canada and these United States, I, Norton II, of Toronto, Ontario, declare and proclaim myself King of Canada, God-Emperor of these U. S.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby abolish the monarchy of my homeland, and do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in Musical Hall, of San Francisco, on the 1st day of Feb. next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of their Union as may ameliorate the evils under which their country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in all of our respective stability and integrity.
—NORTON II, King of Canada, God-Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico.

 Alpha_Cabbage wrote:

At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of Canada and these United States, I, Norton II, of Toronto, Ontario, declare and proclaim myself King of Canada, God-Emperor of these U. S.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby abolish the monarchy of my homeland, and do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in Musical Hall, of San Francisco, on the 1st day of Feb. next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of their Union as may ameliorate the evils under which their country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in all of our respective stability and integrity.
—NORTON II, King of Canada, God-Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico.

Beats the hell out of Harper.

You say you're looking for artists? Do you have anyone in mind yet, or are you still looking. If it's the latter, I would not be averse to some discussion of such a prospect.

Um... wow. This is something all right. That's a hell of a lot of stuff you've already done. How long have you been writing this?

Apologies. I've been trying to stick to numerologically significant dates when making posts, and thus let things sit, but I think that's getting rather boring and pretentious and has allowed the thread to stagnate. So I'll stop that now.

Fafnir wrote:Beats the hell out of Harper.

While this one holds little appreciation of the prime minister's policies, democracy remains the least terrible option available to us as a species and this humble one has no intention of subverting its rule. Mr. Harper would be well suited to the role of loyal opposition, a place he would occupy and excel in were it not for the flawed system of "first past the post." Canada is a smorgasbord of political ideologies but could probably be safely labelled a "centre-left" country in the pop culture definition of the phrase. By this one simply means that in terms of population the conservatives are numerically suited to the role of loyal opposition as well, holding sway over roughly a quarter of the population at large. Unfortunately under the current system this gives them undue influence over the multifaceted "left." If you have problems with Mr. Harper's actions and choices I urge you to transfer that frustration into campaigning for proportional representation, and for you to get involved in local government yourself. That is where the solution lies.

Fafnir wrote:You say you're looking for artists? Do you have anyone in mind yet, or are you still looking. If it's the latter, I would not be averse to some discussion of such a prospect.

I can do you one better. You are 100% welcome to download this thing, draw lots of art for it, and sell it as your own product following the guidelines laid down in the book. Much of the point of this project is to see what other creative souls can dream up using it, both in terms of breaking the game's rules and in terms of painting over top of half the pages with tastefully homoerotic watercolours of Vladimir Putin.

Fix wrote:Um... wow. This is something all right. That's a hell of a lot of stuff you've already done. How long have you been writing this?

The seeds for Warpheim were planted about a decade ago when I was but a young bard, and had scarcely slain my first wyvern on the craigs. The actual writing process was begun haphazardly a few years ago by rewriting some old OP posts I made on /tg/ with the intent of introducing people to Mordheim (Mordheim!). I'm 51% sure I coined the term "awesomeheim" around this time to describe the all-in playstyle that I wanted to encourage, though maybe the term evolved organically or was proposed by someone else in one of those threads.

These notes then sat around on my hard drive for some time until I had a numerologically significant number of years to my name, as well as a numerologically appropriate date for release. One has to do these things properly after all. I began writing Warpheim in earnest on my 25th birthday and finished it on my 26th. I then spent the summer editing my mistakes and tweaking things I didn't like, before finally presenting it here. It is supposed to look like a draft to encourage you to pick at it and improve it, but as already discussed is slightly more of a draft than was intended, which is nice, because it gets under my skin and makes me want to get to work on the next version. However in order for the next draft to be everything it can be, the skirmish game community must take the reigns of playtesting. This game cannot truly be yours until you make it yours. With a little time and elbow grease we'll all have the game we always wanted. Something that adequately supplies cohesive rules for any amazing conversion or beautifully painted miniature, and that can easily be tailored to an individual group's preference of houserules or thematic restrictions.

I believe this book has almost unlimited potential, because its readers are more clever than it or I could ever hope to be as a single human.

Hey. Hey. Thanks for the GONU plug. This is a cool thing you have here. Some of the awesomest art I've ever... imagined. I might have to wait for some distilled version without all the "WTF am I reading" before examining the rules in detail, though.

 Kovnik Obama wrote:

There's not a single animal that could be in a position to jump on your gaming table that wouldn't be sentient.

I disagree. My pet rock launches itself at the faces of rules lawyers and cheats all the time.

If this does not outsell the Fifty Shades trilogy, nothing will.

lord_blackfang wrote:Thanks for the GONU plug.

Thank you for inspiring this humble one with your hard work. We are all in this together.

lord_blackfang wrote:Some of the awesomest art I've ever... imagined.

This... this brought a tear to my eye. Such a reaction is all this one ever hoped to achieve and more. From the bottom of my heart: thank you for reading.

I also note from your signature that we share a long-standing appreciation for the 5th Legion. You make Chogoris proud, brother!

Steve steveson wrote:My pet rock launches itself at the faces of rules lawyers and cheats all the time.

In my D&D group there is a flying brick NPC that has always been a member of our parties since we were ten years old. Whenever someone can't make it to a session, the flying brick fulfills its nature, like the scorpion riding the frog, and knocks their character unconscious for 24 hours. That brick is always the most reliable member of our party. Sigh.

Lucas Blackwolf wrote:If this does not outsell the Fifty Shades trilogy, nothing will.

Thank you, that would make this humble one quite happy. Not from a fiscal perspective, since money is more of an abstract promise in the modern world, and one can make do with less of it, but as a member of the bdsm community who has to deal with an influx of "fuzzy pink handcuff" types whenever a new book of this sort comes out. One wants to encourage people to explore and develop their sexualities as they see fit, but it can be difficult to explain to newcomers that they should not take it personally when this one turns their advances down and points them towards a less aggressive Dom instead. One simply wants them to be safe and happy without breaking one's own character, and one can tell that they are merely experimenting and should be treated with both care and kindness. Unfortunately these books can so often manipulate their reader's expectations, and this results in people overlooking their own limitations in a desire to wear the mask of something they are not. Those books are an awful gateway into the subculture and can cause more harm than good. They're also not that well written. But hey, nothing is outside of Shakespeare and maybe some of the old Sufi poets. Writing is hard.

Now this humble one must ask you all to please refrain from further complements. Mirrors are already this one's favourite form of pornography without your help, and good criticism of broken rules would be of the most use to both me and the burgeoning Warpheim community. Please insult me. Call me fat and say rude things about my family lineage. Break Warpheim and urinate on its grave!

Once again, I thank you all for reading.

Absolute nonsense.
Love it.