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Mods are sleeping. *shrugs*

The B.S.S. is the main race and they speak Ramarien. ant the tecno vampires are vampire cyborgs who feed on energy(not blood).

Dakka mods don't sleep, they wait.

true.


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hey are the Deceived originaler? they are based on the Tera cota army.

Interesting concept. C'tan ish, I like.

You wouldn't happen to know Ramarian? Depending on how far it is from a earth-languages it would add a bit if done right, but if not it ends up in a wtf moment.

Hey, instead of whining to get your post counts up how about you actually help and brainstorm after you hit the mod button so they can move this to the right place? Really dakka...

Their homeworld name is pretty "ehhh", I mean come on, the Deceived come from planet Deception?

Ramarian is the name they gave to Latin however the written language is somewhat different. And their are 4 Great Tecno Vampire clans.
The Thesbians.
The Silicon.
The Magi.
And the Otaku.


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thats the B.S.S. name for it. I haven't decided on their language yet.

Moving thread to Dakka Discussions.

If users wish to participate, please will they do so politely.

ok how?


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Thanks.


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Wait are the 3 parrel(?) dimensions original? I mean realspace(what you see), Hyperspace(borderspace), and Limbo(land of the dead) seem kind of original for a sci-fi game.

I personally like GW's River Trolls more. The JaggedJaw Troll doesn't have good design.

Jes Goodwin should have designed the JaggedJaw Troll.

Their Trolz and they are suppose to be like orcs. only Orks already existed and i wanted something different so i used a less well known example of trolls as the base for Trolz.


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they're

If you've been thinking about this "for five years" as you claim, that means you've been thinking about it since you were ten years old. How many ideas from that age would you still find intelligent now?

I say start from scratch.

Is it any good?
Where do I start?

Even for a 15 year old, I'd say "no".

It's littered with spelling errors and bad grammar apart from bad formatting.

What did you use to write it?
Notepad?

Use word (or Openoffice's version - it's free) and please, for the love of all that is good and right, USE THE SPELLCHECKER. If only one out of every five teenagers does this, the internet would be a far nicer place and posts would be much easier to read.

Learn what colours go together. Bright flourescent green doesn't go with anything (at least for a sighted person) unless you are a necron (or similar humanoid metallic skeletal warrior trope). Study the colour wheel and learn about complimentary colours (and contrasting ones) and WHY they are so.

It's littered with cliches. I know it's hard to come up with a new take on things, but all of these things HAVE been done before, and even the bad ones were done better than you have done. Tecno vampires? Do some more study and try to think of an original angle. I blame JRR Tolkien for ruining fantasy. He took all of these old mythic concepts and merged them together into a semi-coherent whole - and is now the benchmark people are measured against. At the moment it reads like every SF and fantasy trope thrown into a blender.

You've been thinking about this for 5 years - so from the age of 10. Here's an idea. Scribble it down on paper. If it's any good to you in another 5 years, THEN commit it to the internet.

It's amazing what a difference those 5 years will make.

Yes, you have some modicum of imagination, but no discipline or control. It's like a mad-man's lunch - all over the place.
The three parallel dimensions of realspace/hyperspace and limbo have been done before. The trick, like I said, isn't in being completely original with the ideas, the trick is in using a new angle to fit them together. A non-Euclidean angle might help.
I cannot even grade this. It is the literary equivalent of a 'DNF', or worse, a non-starter.

Can do better. Start from scratch. Learn some discipline (you are still at the age when you don't know that you don't know everything, so this might be a shock).

What I want to know is how can a 15yr old create a website when I'm still trying to figure out damn Facebook =/

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

The hell is a tecno?

The Empire is one of the oldest reaming Empires

My crude British sense of humour sense is tingling.

Seriously though, my head is aching and after trying to read through the mumbo jumbo...I gave up.

It is fine that you are creating your own system with its own back story, history, values, beliefs etc but it reads like something only one person can understand...you.. and with that only one person can be that heavily invested in it, again, its you.

If I can point something else out:

refer to hyperspace as "Chaos", rebelled against the Syber Resistance in 2819(still going on)

Is the reference to Hyperspace as Chaos an important distinction to make when discussing the Gopper Underground vs any other grouping? or is this just a throw away comment that means nothing to the Gopper and the universe your creations inhabit?

Is this reference needed?

As it is I immediately thought of the Immaterium and Warp Space and Gw's established background. Laziness that again, put me off.

Marrow
home world:Marrow
approx. number of planet:1,295
noted units:troops, destroyers
fact:Trol sub-species, empire only 6 years old, most advanced civilization so far

A race named after a comedic vegetable?
How is this race, after 6 years, the most advanced civilization so far?
Surely it takes a while to become advanced or is this playground advanced where, if I was to play I could create a race even more 'advanced-er' than yours?

Wouldn't the BSS be more advanced? or the Empire?

Will you be explaining why this is the case?

kobold

Please!


I would rather see spell checked rules with brief descriptions of a universe and a few playable races with their traits etc than your convoluted background which isn't necessary to play the game.

Rules are important, interesting racial traits are important, Caliwajas potted history is not.

ok dont make fun of Caliwaja.


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and the marrow use pulse and obliterate technology as if the stuff is child's play. And what Comedic vegetable?
The Gopper Underground has Chaos Watchers who they believe are vital to all existence. And The whole reason the G.U. are allies is because of their war with the Syber resistance.

if it were me and I was at the stage of getting my concept out there I would:

Playtest the rules along with:
A brief background for setting and possible game narratives.
And brief racial stats and fluff for the same.
Get people other than friends to play and give advice.

Build on that, then tease your audience!

sorry. I have trouble focusing so I just put down what i felt like.


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and one of the guys i was talking to about it said to put down more fluff first.

You got a good many ideas jaggedjaw, I think you need to refine and refine and refine some more on them and work out how things work together.

Also, you are victim, as so many of us are, of being influenced by similar sources of scifi around you. It's difficult, I know from writing adventures as a DM and Storyteller, that you set everything down, reread it and then boggle at how things ended up sounding exactly like something off a show you watch.

Be your own worst critic, be most severe and try to find influence from outside the scifi genre. Consider 2 of the best 40k novel lines around, Gaunt's Ghosts and Ciaphas Cain, they are both directly influenced by the Sharpe novels (gaunts) and the Flashman novels (cain). Both work extremely well but are heavily influenced. It works because it has distance.

Keep at it and don't let the naysayers drag you down. Just be a little more reserved in who you show your work to until you have a far more polished end result than what you're linking here.

For the fan flutterers here who decided to be doubly vitriolic to score points... Well done lads, you just rained down merciless bitching on a 15 year old's initial faltering steps into creative writing, aren't you all very very fething clever... This is for you.

oh that reminds me summery execution is going to be a universal spc. rule.


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is it strange that I like that picture?

jaggedjaw wrote:sorry. I have trouble focusing so I just put down what i felt like.


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and one of the guys i was talking to about it said to put down more fluff first.

You can write everything down form the beginning to the end. You don't have to give up everything to Joe Public, just give them enough to make it interesting and wanting more. gibve your players a reason to play your game in yyour universe with your factions.

Keep it light and don't get bogged down with it.

Whilst on the subject of writing background/fluff make a chart and a timeline so you can keep track of everything.

ok I was going to make a time line chart anyway.

This thread, I feel, will die in fire.

That said, I agree with MGS-the internet is a harsh place and the anonomity it provides just makes it worse. This idea loses all it's point at the implementation stage. It needs extreme fine tuning, and that's saying the least. You've got some interesting idea's but they're all mish-mashed up togther at the minute-I can't tell what's going on at all.

My advice would be to take the blog down for now, scribble the idea's down on some paper, then as someone else has suggested leave it for five years Go to college, see a bit of the world and then com back. I can almost guarentee it'll make a huge difference to the way you see this project.

Wow, I sounded like a real bitch at some points of this post-I wasn't trying to be, I understand how hard it can be to turn a concept into reality. If you're really commited to this, then shoot me a PM and I'll see what I can do.

I update the page and added some rules.


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Also here are the 5 most common werenaughts
devils
brutes
shadows
gargoyles
sack dolls(B.S.S. official name)


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and a tecno is their word for a robot or robot parts

From a technical standpoint, you may want to look at a wiki vs. a blog.

Blogs are fundamentally based around a time or journal metaphor. This is great for 'newsy' stuff, but what you're essentially doing is creating an encyclopedia of a fictional world.

A wiki is more 'random access.' Date stamps are kept, but it's friendly for editing, searching and (most importantly), linking and revising.

By linking, it's very easy in most wiki setups to put a term in brackets... The software then makes a link for you, and if you have used that term before it automatically works, if not you're prompted to make a new page. Very easy.

Revising is useful as old revisions are maintained. For example, Wikis are great when you realize you need to rewrite a section of rules or background.

Moving on to the content, it's pretty rough. A few questions:

What makes this better than other games out there?

Parts feel very derivative... The 'Empire' with a vaguely Germanic leader that uses bolt weapons. Then there's the 'Rouge Legions'...

What's "Hierecy" and why is it sometimes measured in pounds, years, or colors?

measured in colors?
And Hierecy is that empires name.
the year refers to when something happens.
also how do i make a wiki?


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hey is the crew stat unique at all?

chromedog wrote:Is it any good?
Where do I start?

Even for a 15 year old, I'd say "no".

It's littered with spelling errors and bad grammar apart from bad formatting.

What did you use to write it?
Notepad?

Use word (or Openoffice's version - it's free) and please, for the love of all that is good and right, USE THE SPELLCHECKER. If only one out of every five teenagers does this, the internet would be a far nicer place and posts would be much easier to read.

Learn what colours go together. Bright flourescent green doesn't go with anything (at least for a sighted person) unless you are a necron (or similar humanoid metallic skeletal warrior trope). Study the colour wheel and learn about complimentary colours (and contrasting ones) and WHY they are so.

It's littered with cliches. I know it's hard to come up with a new take on things, but all of these things HAVE been done before, and even the bad ones were done better than you have done. Tecno vampires? Do some more study and try to think of an original angle. I blame JRR Tolkien for ruining fantasy. He took all of these old mythic concepts and merged them together into a semi-coherent whole - and is now the benchmark people are measured against. At the moment it reads like every SF and fantasy trope thrown into a blender.

You've been thinking about this for 5 years - so from the age of 10. Here's an idea. Scribble it down on paper. If it's any good to you in another 5 years, THEN commit it to the internet.

It's amazing what a difference those 5 years will make.

Yes, you have some modicum of imagination, but no discipline or control. It's like a mad-man's lunch - all over the place.
The three parallel dimensions of realspace/hyperspace and limbo have been done before. The trick, like I said, isn't in being completely original with the ideas, the trick is in using a new angle to fit them together. A non-Euclidean angle might help.
I cannot even grade this. It is the literary equivalent of a 'DNF', or worse, a non-starter.

Can do better. Start from scratch. Learn some discipline (you are still at the age when you don't know that you don't know everything, so this might be a shock).

@OP:
1 - Reread the above. Ten times.
2 - Do everything it suggests. Seriously.
3 - ????
4 - Profit!

Look, you're obviously not lacking in imagination, but (and I feel terrible for saying this) you're not "old" enough. Your work, besides being almost unreadable, has content that is simply not complex enough or dynamic enough for an adult audience. Trust me, most of us have gone through this phase. I remember a time when I had ideas just like yours. Read more. Especially focus on what authors do to make their stories come to life. It will take time - probably more than you will ever want to spend. That's okay. By sitting down and taking people's suggestions, and thinking really hard about what "fits" to make your story interesting, you will at least be able to produce work at a level where the Internet will not ridicule you.

Trust me on this. I've tried on and off for several years to produce short fiction from the ideas/stories flying around in my head. I have only barely been able to reach what I would consider slightly comparable to the style of BL books - and even then, I lack a solid long-term story arc, leaving my content firmly in the "short story" realm. Furthermore, BL books are not really considered especially high-level works, and I'm not even there yet. All I'm trying to say is that you need to sit down and slowly plot out all the ideas you have, then strip out all the ones that "don't fit." Once that's done, do it again until you have only a few left. Develop those, and build from there.

...Okay I'm rambling a bit here. Seriously though, chromedog has good suggestions.

Hey, I see you have posted a game you were making on the forums, but have gotten a bit of mixed results for good feedback. So I thought I would help you out.

The game you posted on the blog is not for mass consumption in any way. The rules are piecemeal and the fiction is confusing and generic, but don't feel too bad any person making a game starts this way and gets the same results. Just like painting or making music anything the first couple things you make will suck allot. You wouldn't want to see some of the earlier games me and my friends created. They were terrible even worse than this. So let me show you a couple things that can help you be a better game designer.

Here are a couple rules to start things off.
1) Don't recreate games that have already been done. Even if you paint the Mona Lisa and make it better no one is going to care because people already like the Mona Lisa. However if you make the Mona Lisa out of Bacon then people will love you for it. If you take something old and give it a really good twist people will love you for it.

2) It is important to reinvent your game many times. Writers don't keep editing the same book over and over again, they rewrite it. I know it seems like a small difference but you need to have separate copies of the old and new version of the book or game to see how these changes actually impact game play.

3) Game mechanics are not about creating rules to play the game; it’s about using rules to shape how your players act and create an experience. That definitely sounds cheesy, but this is the big difference between fluid and fun, vs. complicated. A good example of this is axis and allies, it has way to many rules and is really complicated, but all those rules create a effective WW2 simulation that players keep playing year after year. Personally I don't like axis and allies, but that beside the point

Finally, a bit of light... well lots of reading to give you a professional view on how to make games. Read the art of game design. Whether you have to beg borrow or steal, to get this book do it. ..... well not steal of course

http://artofgamedesign.com/

If you’re serious about making a game on any level you will want to read this book. If you want to make a great game but don't want to learn how first, just put your pen down and stop. Just go play games instead. Game design is small and competitive market where there are so many other people doing the same thing you are trying to do. So if you can't stop, learn, and take genuine stock of your abilities and the game you are making you might as well save yourself a whole bunch of time and effort.

With that being said don't give up because people make fun of you and your game, just be realistic about what you have.

Good luck.