Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

 Avatar 720 wrote:

 Ahtman wrote:
Are we licensed counselors now? Did I miss a meeting?

You are now:

Almost read that as a License Proctologist for moment....

Has anyone suggested a pregnancy test?

 Easy E wrote:


Like I said. Complicated.


Edit: Also, WTF about crying over a spilled lunch? RED FLAG! You guys need to talk and find out what is going on!

technically, she didn't cry. She said she felt like crying.

Also, she went to the gym during lunch break so she ate her lunch later in the day and wasn't able to buy herself anything until leaving work

Anyways, I'm trying to talk to her, but still getting complete silence. I've seen her at varying levels of angry before, but it's usually better in less than 24hrs, so I'm a bit concerned. I asked if she wanted to go out and eat tonight, asked her why she's not talking to me and told her I was sorry about not coming home immediately (instead of 6:30pm), The only thing she said was that she could "Hang up the coat myself" and continues to act like I don't exist.

Again, I'm trying to take advice of talking to her, but she won't cooperate.

EDIT; It is THAT time of the month. Though, she's usually not that bad/grumpy when the visitor comes.

This also rules out pregnancy

 Frazzled wrote:

 Necros wrote:
You're right.. you should have just went home and played another time. Will probably require lots of chocolate and/or flowers to rectify the situation. Too late now, but now you know for next time

Happy wife, happy life!

No that will just mean she's won and can nag you into doing what you want. Stand your ground firmly but politely. COme on grow a pair and be man.

yeah,

as a general rule,and this applies to both men and women in all relationships,

once you start getting pushed around in a relationship, where planned activities get over ridden by whatever on the spot little trivial thing that happens, its a sign that you havnt made proper boundaries, or are you yourself/her is not respecting those boundaries.


If tuesday is planned ahead as game night, tuesday is game night,

Spilling lunch and crying over it isnt really something Id expect from an adult, and unfortunately its an acceptable trope/form of sexism to "blame the man" for everything.

So if she spilled her food, and she is hungry, its somehow your fault and you need to cancel your plans and fix it because she cannot eat alone or go to subway at lunch, you have to be able to recognize it for what it is.

Empowered capable women dont cry over spilled lunches, and are capable of acquiring food without their man. Tell her that too, "you are a wonderful, intelligent, empowered woman, and I fully believe you are capable of getting lunch without my presence"

after all, do you have the expectation that she will cancel *her* pre planned activities and come rushing to your aid if you spill your lunch/are hungry?

try that sometime, be hungry/ horny/sad/ect and call her when she is at one of her pre planned activities asking her to ditch it and provide you with food/fellatio/comfort/ect

You will likely notice it wont go down very well, for some reason it will be "different" that her expectation for you to put her above everything else is ok, while the expectation that she put you above everything else is coo coo crazy.

you can do one of three things:
ignore the problem, and accept that you have to deal with this double standard and suffer in silence

try to fix the problem, have her write out her expectations of you, and conversely, write out your expectations of her. work together to make sure neither of you expect the other to go both ways down a one way street at the same time.

find a woman without these double standards (or who can be educated to not have them)

 namiel wrote:
Has anyone suggested a pregnancy test?

Dude. If you are ever on the losing end of a complicated fight with your wife, never, ever mention the pregnancy possiblity. Especially if it is a possibility!

You're an adult and you deserve at least a couple hours a week to spend as you like - don't let her guilt you into giving up your hobby time as it will only lead you to resenting her more and more.

Don't let her minimize it as "just gaming" as it is your interest and what you find enjoyable. You could be at a strip club, shooting up, gambling at a casino, etc.

Last, if she can't communicate - and you've tried to start the conversation - then the ball's in her court. She needs to put her big girl panties on and communicate what's really bothering her.

Christ, I hate myself every time I have to say this, but listen to Frazzled.

Listen to easysauce. Seriously. If you want her to talk, say "if I told you that you couldn't go out with your friends because i needed you to cook for me, you'd have a fit", and then accuse her of hypocrisy. You will definitely get a response.

Now if you are busy with your games 5 nights a week, she has a point. This would help us a lot to know how to respond to you...what is your schedule?

EDIT: Stupid joke was stupid.

 Gitzbitah wrote:

 namiel wrote:
Has anyone suggested a pregnancy test?

Dude. If you are ever on the losing end of a complicated fight with your wife, never, ever mention the pregnancy possiblity. Especially if it is a possibility!

Oh i know this but if its a possiablity you should find out. This sounds like a prolonged hormonal response plus shes hungry

It might be reflective of a deeper issue. Spilling your lunch sucks, but I don't think it's normal to be moved to tears over it. Maybe she is unhappy generally (possibly about her job, if she doesn't have the freedom to go buy another lunch). What's that all about?

As for how she is treating you -- I think it's a very bad sign. She shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you and guilt tripping you for doing something that you planned (and which didn't even involve booze or hookers).

Maybe we're not hearing the full story. Regardless, I think you should try to find out the source of her unhappiness and address it in a way you can both live with. Don't ignore it, or stubbournly dig your heels in just yet. You want to prevent this happening again, not make it worse.

Seriously, just talk to your wife. Tell her that you understand that she was upset and go from there. If there are deeper-seeded issues afoot, a visit to the marriage counselor would be a good idea too, a far better one than asked a bunch of strangers on the internet what to do.

 Jihadin wrote:
Almost read that as a License Proctologist for moment....

I'm ok with either.

 Ahtman wrote:

 Jihadin wrote:
Almost read that as a License Proctologist for moment....

I'm ok with either.

Both try to get to the bottom of things.

I learned a valuable lesson,

women expect a lot more from men then men do from women.

women are much MUCH better at setting expectations for your behavior, then you are for them.

Women are much better at, and have far more socially acceptable/effective punish/reward method to reinforce/discourage certain behaviors.

You will never, ever, get women to want less from you, why should she expect less then what makes her happy after all?


All you can do I learn from women.

Ask for more yourself, have her trying as hard to meet your expectations as you do for her. If you didnt ask for it, or make it clear that you expect it, dont be surprised when you dont get it.

Women are not mind readers either!

Once it is explicitly out there that she also has expectations on her this leads to her empathizing with you and your struggle to meet her own expectations.

If she doesnt work as hard to meet your expectations as you do, why are you there?


Its like going for a job interview, they ask you how much $ you expect, what hours, benefits, and so on.

if you leave all those fields blank, do you think they will pay you the maximum, or the minimum?

If your boss expects you to work unpaid OT once, he will expect it again, and forever.

If you tell him things like "canadian labour code expects you to pay me that OT" he probably will pay it to you, if he doesnt, then thats probably not the job for you.

its the same with relationships, once you start trying to measure up to every single of their expectations, no matter how crazy, you are now working unpaid OT which is not fair.

but life isnt always fair, if you constantly adhere to other peoples expectations of you, while not requiring they do the same for you,

you just become a hamster on a wheel, never going fast enough.

 Smacks wrote:
She shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you and guilt tripping you for doing something that you planned (and which didn't even involve booze or hookers).

Thats what women do.........................

JimOnMars wrote:Listen to easysauce. Seriously. If you want her to talk, say "if I told you that you couldn't go out with your friends because i needed you to cook for me, you'd have a fit", and then accuse her of hypocrisy. You will definitely get a response.

Now if you are busy with your games 5 nights a week, she has a point. This would help us a lot to know how to respond to you...what is your schedule?

No, I'm not. Let me tell you about my Gaming schedule. (sorry, this is gonna turn into a rant, because I'm pretty frustrated at this point)

Last time I played any kind of game was around Mid-November. And I wasn't doing it to just go out and play/have fun, I was actually trying to sell some of my gaming stuff (she wants to sell ALL of it, I oblige by selling stuff I don't need/want to play atm). I drafted a box of mtg Conspiracy (which is basically me taking a sealed box of MTG to my local gaming store and handing out packs for X amount of Cash, we all open the packs and "draft" them, have fun for 2-3 hrs. I walk home with $70. Since then, I've been interested in painting my old Ork and Tyranid army that have been sitting in my closet for 5 yrs. Before that, I played MTG anywhere from 2-3 times a Month (at my peak) to once a month or less. She didn't like me staying out late, which I did on occasion.

On top of that, I've been trying to sell Heroclix, MTG and the Nids I don't want. I sold $200 just last week (though, part of that is going to the pay for Ebay auctions I accidentally won).

Basically, it comes down to this;
My wife hates all of my hobbies, games and related interests. I honestly feel that she wants me to sell them all and never think about them again. She thinks they're childish and immature. When I tell her other married, adult men play these games, she says "That's different" or "They're not you" and says I need to focus on our future together, building our family, etc There are times when she's willing to compromise and tries to understand I need to enjoy my own hobbies, and tells me I can go out and play, but also doesn't want me to stay out too late. I'll admit that there are times when I probably stay out too late, but that's mostly a rare semi-competitive event with prize support (and again, I'm not talking about an all Day tournament, I'm talking 7:00pm-Midnight/1am)

and here are 2 other examples that lead to further frustration...

1. When she wants something, and it's in our budget, we buy it. $80 in shoes (cuz they're a good deal) DONE! $100 Wireless headphones for Xmas, DONE, $100 Coach Purse, Done! $150 on a Soundbar for "US" (I guess it's okay, but I personally don't care that much about having great theatrre-like surround sound). But I ask to spend or tell her I spent any money on my hobby, and she gets upset, tells me it's not in our budget, or rolls her eyes and complains (usually if I already bought it). The funny thing is, most of the time, I don't even spend our bank account money for that, but instead, I use money that I made selling my stuff. But even that's too much.

2. She asks me what I want for Christmas. I would love to ask for 40k models, but on the other hand I could probably get a better deal just scouring Ebay. So, I ask for Hobby related, but artistic items like Paints, Paint brushes, etc. She doesn't want to get me those because she thinks I'll lose interest in a few months/year down the road and they'll end up in the closet.
Basically, the conversation feels like this to me...

Me; "Baby, what do you want for Xmas"
Her: "These nice, Wireless headphones on sale at Costco for $100"
Me: "Yea, that's a pretty good deal, okay. let's get them"
Her: "Awesome, I love them!!" So, what do you want for Xmas"
Me; Idk, maybe some Hobby-related stuff, like X model, X Codex"
Her: "Well, I think you should paint/assemble the stuff you have first"
Me: "okay, that's cool--good point. In that case I would like some more paints, brushes, etc"
Her: "Nahh, I don't really want to buy those for you, think of something else"

Funny thing is, she actually bought me a Killa Kan and some MTG boosters our first 2 Christmas together.

So yea, she's definitely looks at my Hobbies with disdain right now.

I'm sure if I was into "normal" man hobbies, like Cars, Football or some sport activity, everything would be Groovy!

ScootyPuffJunior wrote:

Seriously, just talk to your wife. Tell her that you understand that she was upset and go from there. If there are deeper-seeded issues afoot, a visit to the marriage counselor would be a good idea too, a far better one than asked a bunch of strangers on the internet what to do.

She's still ignoring me. Honestly, I'm seriously considering involving some sort of counseling from a third party. I think we probably BOTH have issues we need to work on. How much does marriage counseling cost anyways?

P.s. Maybe if I had a better paying job (she does earn more than I do, atm) and took control of paying bills/finances, things would be different. Maybe she's right about my lack of plans for our future.

Well do you have any plans for your future?

Not sure if serious thread or trolling.

Dude, the internet is the last place to talk about this. Also, this is the kind of stuff you should work out with her or a licensed professional.

 pretre wrote:
Dude, the internet is the last place to talk about this. Also, this is the kind of stuff you should work out with her or a licensed professional.

The internet is the perfect place to talk about this with complete annonimity. Dont expect a ton of serious responses but its annonymous

Here's what it sounds like to me.

A) She thinks gaming is childish. Not in and of itself a big deal. So does my wife. Yes, if you were into baseball or bowling, that would also be a child's game, and she'd probably be fine with it. Logical? Probably not, but we all deal with a little illogic for a happy relationship. You just have to decide if this is worth putting up with.

B) She doesn't want you to hang out with her, she wants you to want to hang out with her. To her mind, if she has to ask, then you're just settling for her when you really want to game.

How do you fix it? I recommend two things.

1) Show her that she's important to you. Cancel game night to hang out with her. Your long term relationship is supposed to be your only permanent partner and teammate in this world, so showing her that you're value her company over toy soldiers will do a lot to help things out. Do you two share a hobby? If not, it might help to take up one together.

2) Show that you're committed to a future with her. Taking a more active interest in your finances is one way to do this. Advancing your career, trying to find a better job, or trying to obtain better professional education are all good moves too, and will show her that you're planning for the future instead of frittering away your time playing games. You can also show her this by taking a more active role in your home life; doing more housework can help her feel like you're being more productive, and tackling home repair/improvement projects can show her that you are capable of bringing more to the relationship than just part of the rent.

If you want to ask any specific questions feel free to PM me. I have a successful marriage and a loving wife, despite the fact that she is pretty disdainful of my "little army guys."

Unless your partner knows you post here and reads the forums to see what you're interested in. Then you may as well build a bomb and give it to her because she *will* explode over this.

Oh look, someone who's having the exact same issue i am has posted about it on the internet. My, aren't those responses witty? I feel so happy to see this.

A few thoughts here and there:

I responded with "Not really, If you want me to come now, I will and I'll just try to play Next Tuesday'

In relationship talk this basically sends the message of "playing the game is more important to me than spending time with you today even though you had a bad day. I don't want to eat dinner with you right now, but I will if you are going to make me".

It's a crappy situation to be in, but at the same time she is in a similar boat. She want's you to spend time with her after a bad day at work, but she also wants you to want to spend time with her and doesn't want you to resent her for forcing you to spend time with her.

It's a good sign that there is some deeper stuff that needs to be talked about.

She texted back, "As always, gaming is more important".

I know that you say that you don't spend much time gaming, but these things stand out to me:

At this point, I'm not gaming on any nights. I'm kinda "between" games. I just recently felt like playing miniatures, or at least painting them as I was preparing to sell my 40k stuff.. Last time I gamed was mid Nov, and that was actually just to draft a Booster box of MTG I had, which actually earned me $70, which I gave to her for her trip to LA. In fact, I've been doing more selling lately than any other Hobby activitiy.

On top of that, I've been trying to sell Heroclix, MTG and the Nids I don't want. I sold $200 just last week (though, part of that is going to the pay for Ebay auctions I accidentally won).

How much time are you spending on Dakka and other forums? How much time are you spending making listings on eBay and running/bidding on auctions? How much time are you spending on painting and assembly?

At the risk of sounding like a wannabe Dr. Phil: You are at home with your wife, but are you really "there"?

The main reason I am asking is that I fell into a similar pattern earlier this year. I have not "gamed" much, but while the wife was at home I would spend a couple hours painting, then look up some stuff on the internet for lists and modeling/painting ideas, then check DakkaDakka. Even though I was at home with the wife she was sitting alone on the couch while I was doing hobby stuff. For all practical purposes I might as well be at the gaming store and paint there since I was just ignoring her.

Just one thing to consider. Not saying that it's your fault or that she couldn't be over-reacting to stuff. But it's something to keep in mind.

1. When she wants something, and it's in our budget, we buy it. $80 in shoes (cuz they're a good deal) DONE! $100 Wireless headphones for Xmas, DONE, $100 Coach Purse, Done! $150 on a Soundbar for "US" (I guess it's okay, but I personally don't care that much about having great theatrre-like surround sound). But I ask to spend or tell her I spent any money on my hobby, and she gets upset, tells me it's not in our budget, or rolls her eyes and complains (usually if I already bought it). The funny thing is, most of the time, I don't even spend our bank account money for that, but instead, I use money that I made selling my stuff. But even that's too much.

Money is the #1 cause of relationship problems. It's something that you need to get to the bottom to in order to solve this thing. Which of course also involves communication.

These are the things that jumped out at me.

Darkzephyr wrote:

Spoiler:

No, I'm not. Let me tell you about my Gaming schedule. (sorry, this is gonna turn into a rant, because I'm pretty frustrated at this point)

Last time I played any kind of game was around Mid-November. And I wasn't doing it to just go out and play/have fun, I was actually trying to sell some of my gaming stuff (she wants to sell ALL of it, I oblige by selling stuff I don't need/want to play atm). I drafted a box of mtg Conspiracy (which is basically me taking a sealed box of MTG to my local gaming store and handing out packs for X amount of Cash, we all open the packs and "draft" them, have fun for 2-3 hrs. I walk home with $70. Since then, I've been interested in painting my old Ork and Tyranid army that have been sitting in my closet for 5 yrs. Before that, I played MTG anywhere from 2-3 times a Month (at my peak) to once a month or less. She didn't like me staying out late, which I did on occasion.

On top of that, I've been trying to sell Heroclix, MTG and the Nids I don't want. I sold $200 just last week (though, part of that is going to the pay for Ebay auctions I accidentally won).

Basically, it comes down to this;
My wife hates all of my hobbies, games and related interests. I honestly feel that she wants me to sell them all and never think about them again. She thinks they're childish and immature. When I tell her other married, adult men play these games, she says "That's different" or "They're not you" and says I need to focus on our future together, building our family, etc There are times when she's willing to compromise and tries to understand I need to enjoy my own hobbies, and tells me I can go out and play, but also doesn't want me to stay out too late. I'll admit that there are times when I probably stay out too late, but that's mostly a rare semi-competitive event with prize support (and again, I'm not talking about an all Day tournament, I'm talking 7:00pm-Midnight/1am)

and here are 2 other examples that lead to further frustration...

1. When she wants something, and it's in our budget, we buy it. $80 in shoes (cuz they're a good deal) DONE! $100 Wireless headphones for Xmas, DONE, $100 Coach Purse, Done! $150 on a Soundbar for "US" (I guess it's okay, but I personally don't care that much about having great theatrre-like surround sound). But I ask to spend or tell her I spent any money on my hobby, and she gets upset, tells me it's not in our budget, or rolls her eyes and complains (usually if I already bought it). The funny thing is, most of the time, I don't even spend our bank account money for that, but instead, I use money that I made selling my stuff. But even that's too much.

2. She asks me what I want for Christmas. I would love to ask for 40k models, but on the other hand I could probably get a better deal just scouring Ebay. So, I ask for Hobby related, but artistic items like Paints, Paint brushes, etc. She doesn't want to get me those because she thinks I'll lose interest in a few months/year down the road and they'll end up in the closet.
Basically, the conversation feels like this to me...

Me; "Baby, what do you want for Xmas"
Her: "These nice, Wireless headphones on sale at Costco for $100"
Me: "Yea, that's a pretty good deal, okay. let's get them"
Her: "Awesome, I love them!!" So, what do you want for Xmas"
Me; Idk, maybe some Hobby-related stuff, like X model, X Codex"
Her: "Well, I think you should paint/assemble the stuff you have first"
Me: "okay, that's cool--good point. In that case I would like some more paints, brushes, etc"
Her: "Nahh, I don't really want to buy those for you, think of something else"

Funny thing is, she actually bought me a Killa Kan and some MTG boosters our first 2 Christmas together.

So yea, she's definitely looks at my Hobbies with disdain right now.

I'm sure if I was into "normal" man hobbies, like Cars, Football or some sport activity, everything would be Groovy!

All of this ties in with what I wrote below.

She's still ignoring me. Honestly, I'm seriously considering involving some sort of counseling from a third party. I think we probably BOTH have issues we need to work on. How much does marriage counseling cost anyways?

P.s. Maybe if I had a better paying job (she does earn more than I do, atm) and took control of paying bills/finances, things would be different. Maybe she's right about my lack of plans for our future.

How much marriage counseling is going to cost should be the least of your worries if you have serious marital issues. No marriage is perfect and there will always be conflict. You may think the conflict is about money, sex, housework, kids, etc. but it isn't; it's about the lack of communication, which based on what you've said so far is pretty damn obvious. There are three things to remember in a marriage: what's best for you, what's best for her, and what's best for the marriage. The latter of those things should be the most important, and trying to keep score on who buys what and why isn't going to fix any of your problems.

The best thing for the two of you to do is see a marriage counselor (or a pastor if that's your thing) at your earliest convenience. Express to her that you think that there are problems that you both need to work out, don't pin blame on her and communicate the idea that you want what is best for both of you because that is what is most important. If she doesn't seem receptive to the idea, make the appointment on your own and pass the information along to her about and tell her it would mean a lot if you were there.

If that doesn't solve the issue, then there are serious life-changing decisions that need to be made, so good luck.

 lord_blackfang wrote:
Christ, I hate myself every time I have to say this, but listen to Frazzled.

Frazzled is all knowing. He's married to a redhead for decades...


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 namiel wrote:

 Smacks wrote:
She shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing you and guilt tripping you for doing something that you planned (and which didn't even involve booze or hookers).

Thats what women do.........................

No thats what women who've not been given appropriate boundaries and are dealing with a mature man do.

 ScootyPuffJunior wrote:

Darkzephyr wrote:

Spoiler:

No, I'm not. Let me tell you about my Gaming schedule. (sorry, this is gonna turn into a rant, because I'm pretty frustrated at this point)

Last time I played any kind of game was around Mid-November. And I wasn't doing it to just go out and play/have fun, I was actually trying to sell some of my gaming stuff (she wants to sell ALL of it, I oblige by selling stuff I don't need/want to play atm). I drafted a box of mtg Conspiracy (which is basically me taking a sealed box of MTG to my local gaming store and handing out packs for X amount of Cash, we all open the packs and "draft" them, have fun for 2-3 hrs. I walk home with $70. Since then, I've been interested in painting my old Ork and Tyranid army that have been sitting in my closet for 5 yrs. Before that, I played MTG anywhere from 2-3 times a Month (at my peak) to once a month or less. She didn't like me staying out late, which I did on occasion.

On top of that, I've been trying to sell Heroclix, MTG and the Nids I don't want. I sold $200 just last week (though, part of that is going to the pay for Ebay auctions I accidentally won).

Basically, it comes down to this;
My wife hates all of my hobbies, games and related interests. I honestly feel that she wants me to sell them all and never think about them again. She thinks they're childish and immature. When I tell her other married, adult men play these games, she says "That's different" or "They're not you" and says I need to focus on our future together, building our family, etc There are times when she's willing to compromise and tries to understand I need to enjoy my own hobbies, and tells me I can go out and play, but also doesn't want me to stay out too late. I'll admit that there are times when I probably stay out too late, but that's mostly a rare semi-competitive event with prize support (and again, I'm not talking about an all Day tournament, I'm talking 7:00pm-Midnight/1am)

and here are 2 other examples that lead to further frustration...

1. When she wants something, and it's in our budget, we buy it. $80 in shoes (cuz they're a good deal) DONE! $100 Wireless headphones for Xmas, DONE, $100 Coach Purse, Done! $150 on a Soundbar for "US" (I guess it's okay, but I personally don't care that much about having great theatrre-like surround sound). But I ask to spend or tell her I spent any money on my hobby, and she gets upset, tells me it's not in our budget, or rolls her eyes and complains (usually if I already bought it). The funny thing is, most of the time, I don't even spend our bank account money for that, but instead, I use money that I made selling my stuff. But even that's too much.

2. She asks me what I want for Christmas. I would love to ask for 40k models, but on the other hand I could probably get a better deal just scouring Ebay. So, I ask for Hobby related, but artistic items like Paints, Paint brushes, etc. She doesn't want to get me those because she thinks I'll lose interest in a few months/year down the road and they'll end up in the closet.
Basically, the conversation feels like this to me...

Me; "Baby, what do you want for Xmas"
Her: "These nice, Wireless headphones on sale at Costco for $100"
Me: "Yea, that's a pretty good deal, okay. let's get them"
Her: "Awesome, I love them!!" So, what do you want for Xmas"
Me; Idk, maybe some Hobby-related stuff, like X model, X Codex"
Her: "Well, I think you should paint/assemble the stuff you have first"
Me: "okay, that's cool--good point. In that case I would like some more paints, brushes, etc"
Her: "Nahh, I don't really want to buy those for you, think of something else"

Funny thing is, she actually bought me a Killa Kan and some MTG boosters our first 2 Christmas together.

So yea, she's definitely looks at my Hobbies with disdain right now.

I'm sure if I was into "normal" man hobbies, like Cars, Football or some sport activity, everything would be Groovy!

All of this ties in with what I wrote below.

She's still ignoring me. Honestly, I'm seriously considering involving some sort of counseling from a third party. I think we probably BOTH have issues we need to work on. How much does marriage counseling cost anyways?

P.s. Maybe if I had a better paying job (she does earn more than I do, atm) and took control of paying bills/finances, things would be different. Maybe she's right about my lack of plans for our future.

How much marriage counseling is going to cost should be the least of your worries if you have serious marital issues. No marriage is perfect and there will always be conflict. You may think the conflict is about money, sex, housework, kids, etc. but it isn't; it's about the lack of communication, which based on what you've said so far is pretty damn obvious. There are three things to remember in a marriage: what's best for you, what's best for her, and what's best for the marriage. The latter of those things should be the most important, and trying to keep score on who buys what and why isn't going to fix any of your problems.

The best thing for the two of you to do is see a marriage counselor (or a pastor if that's your thing) at your earliest convenience. Express to her that you think that there are problems that you both need to work out, don't pin blame on her and communicate the idea that you want what is best for both of you because that is what is most important. If she doesn't seem receptive to the idea, make the appointment on your own and pass the information along to her about and tell her it would mean a lot if you were there.

If that doesn't solve the issue, then there are serious life-changing decisions that need to be made, so good luck.

Oh God I'm agreeing with Scooty...but only if she gets you a SoCo on the rocks first.
If you go to a counselor it needs to be a neutral one. SWMBO will go off the charts if I say it but there are an awful lot of manhater counselors out there. If you get the vibe this one's in her corner then 1) she is (it will be a she) and 2) you're burning money for no benefit.

d-usa wrote:A few thoughts here and there:

How much time are you spending on Dakka and other forums? How much time are you spending making listings on eBay and running/bidding on auctions? How much time are you spending on painting and assembly?

At the risk of sounding like a wannabe Dr. Phil: You are at home with your wife, but are you really "there"?

The main reason I am asking is that I fell into a similar pattern earlier this year. I have not "gamed" much, but while the wife was at home I would spend a couple hours painting, then look up some stuff on the internet for lists and modeling/painting ideas, then check DakkaDakka. Even though I was at home with the wife she was sitting alone on the couch while I was doing hobby stuff. For all practical purposes I might as well be at the gaming store and paint there since I was just ignoring her.

Just one thing to consider. Not saying that it's your fault or that she couldn't be over-reacting to stuff. But it's something to keep in mind.

1. When she wants something, and it's in our budget, we buy it. $80 in shoes (cuz they're a good deal) DONE! $100 Wireless headphones for Xmas, DONE, $100 Coach Purse, Done! $150 on a Soundbar for "US" (I guess it's okay, but I personally don't care that much about having great theatrre-like surround sound). But I ask to spend or tell her I spent any money on my hobby, and she gets upset, tells me it's not in our budget, or rolls her eyes and complains (usually if I already bought it). The funny thing is, most of the time, I don't even spend our bank account money for that, but instead, I use money that I made selling my stuff. But even that's too much.

Money is the #1 cause of relationship problems. It's something that you need to get to the bottom to in order to solve this thing. Which of course also involves communication.

These are the things that jumped out at me.

Thanks for this input, and you bring up some good points. She doesn't like it when I spend too much time "in front of my computer" or "On my phone/ipad". I had an issue with this before with Clash of Clans game. It was fun, but it sucked up all my free-time at home and I got too addicted to trying to get onto my ipad to raid every 20 min, or sneak in a few raids at night before we went to sleep (even though I did it while we were watching TV/relaxing) Eventually, I felt it was hurting both my free time and hers and I wasn't really getting much out of it, so I've pretty much quit that game. I still sometimes spend time on my computer later in the evening, as were going to bed. She doesn't like this, even if I'm trying to sell stuff. When I showed her I made $200 in sales, I think she lightened up a bit, but it's probably something I still need to work on.

Thanks for bringing this up.

ScootyPuffJunior wrote:

Darkzephyr wrote:

Spoiler:

No, I'm not. Let me tell you about my Gaming schedule. (sorry, this is gonna turn into a rant, because I'm pretty frustrated at this point)

Last time I played any kind of game was around Mid-November. And I wasn't doing it to just go out and play/have fun, I was actually trying to sell some of my gaming stuff (she wants to sell ALL of it, I oblige by selling stuff I don't need/want to play atm). I drafted a box of mtg Conspiracy (which is basically me taking a sealed box of MTG to my local gaming store and handing out packs for X amount of Cash, we all open the packs and "draft" them, have fun for 2-3 hrs. I walk home with $70. Since then, I've been interested in painting my old Ork and Tyranid army that have been sitting in my closet for 5 yrs. Before that, I played MTG anywhere from 2-3 times a Month (at my peak) to once a month or less. She didn't like me staying out late, which I did on occasion.

On top of that, I've been trying to sell Heroclix, MTG and the Nids I don't want. I sold $200 just last week (though, part of that is going to the pay for Ebay auctions I accidentally won).

Basically, it comes down to this;
My wife hates all of my hobbies, games and related interests. I honestly feel that she wants me to sell them all and never think about them again. She thinks they're childish and immature. When I tell her other married, adult men play these games, she says "That's different" or "They're not you" and says I need to focus on our future together, building our family, etc There are times when she's willing to compromise and tries to understand I need to enjoy my own hobbies, and tells me I can go out and play, but also doesn't want me to stay out too late. I'll admit that there are times when I probably stay out too late, but that's mostly a rare semi-competitive event with prize support (and again, I'm not talking about an all Day tournament, I'm talking 7:00pm-Midnight/1am)

and here are 2 other examples that lead to further frustration...

1. When she wants something, and it's in our budget, we buy it. $80 in shoes (cuz they're a good deal) DONE! $100 Wireless headphones for Xmas, DONE, $100 Coach Purse, Done! $150 on a Soundbar for "US" (I guess it's okay, but I personally don't care that much about having great theatrre-like surround sound). But I ask to spend or tell her I spent any money on my hobby, and she gets upset, tells me it's not in our budget, or rolls her eyes and complains (usually if I already bought it). The funny thing is, most of the time, I don't even spend our bank account money for that, but instead, I use money that I made selling my stuff. But even that's too much.

2. She asks me what I want for Christmas. I would love to ask for 40k models, but on the other hand I could probably get a better deal just scouring Ebay. So, I ask for Hobby related, but artistic items like Paints, Paint brushes, etc. She doesn't want to get me those because she thinks I'll lose interest in a few months/year down the road and they'll end up in the closet.
Basically, the conversation feels like this to me...

Me; "Baby, what do you want for Xmas"
Her: "These nice, Wireless headphones on sale at Costco for $100"
Me: "Yea, that's a pretty good deal, okay. let's get them"
Her: "Awesome, I love them!!" So, what do you want for Xmas"
Me; Idk, maybe some Hobby-related stuff, like X model, X Codex"
Her: "Well, I think you should paint/assemble the stuff you have first"
Me: "okay, that's cool--good point. In that case I would like some more paints, brushes, etc"
Her: "Nahh, I don't really want to buy those for you, think of something else"

Funny thing is, she actually bought me a Killa Kan and some MTG boosters our first 2 Christmas together.

So yea, she's definitely looks at my Hobbies with disdain right now.

I'm sure if I was into "normal" man hobbies, like Cars, Football or some sport activity, everything would be Groovy!

All of this ties in with what I wrote below.

She's still ignoring me. Honestly, I'm seriously considering involving some sort of counseling from a third party. I think we probably BOTH have issues we need to work on. How much does marriage counseling cost anyways?

P.s. Maybe if I had a better paying job (she does earn more than I do, atm) and took control of paying bills/finances, things would be different. Maybe she's right about my lack of plans for our future.

How much marriage counseling is going to cost should be the least of your worries if you have serious marital issues. No marriage is perfect and there will always be conflict. You may think the conflict is about money, sex, housework, kids, etc. but it isn't; it's about the lack of communication, which based on what you've said so far is pretty damn obvious. There are three things to remember in a marriage: what's best for you, what's best for her, and what's best for the marriage. The latter of those things should be the most important, and trying to keep score on who buys what and why isn't going to fix any of your problems.

The best thing for the two of you to do is see a marriage counselor (or a pastor if that's your thing) at your earliest convenience. Express to her that you think that there are problems that you both need to work out, don't pin blame on her and communicate the idea that you want what is best for both of you because that is what is most important. If she doesn't seem receptive to the idea, make the appointment on your own and pass the information along to her about and tell her it would mean a lot if you were there.

If that doesn't solve the issue, then there are serious life-changing decisions that need to be made, so good luck.

I seriously hope it doesn't come to that. Honestly, for the past few weeks, things seemed to be going really well and I thought we were establishing a stronger relationship. This really seems to come out of left field. I hope it doesn't come down to life-altering decisions. We've though stuff like in this past and have had our ups and downs.

Frazzled wrote:Oh God I'm agreeing with Scooty...but only if she gets you a SoCo on the rocks first.
If you go to a counselor it needs to be a neutral one. SWMBO will go off the charts if I say it but there are an awful lot of manhater counselors out there. If you get the vibe this one's in her corner then 1) she is (it will be a she) and 2) you're burning money for no benefit.

I think you're right. She might want to go to a Catholic Priest though, not sure how open-minded they would be about my "Games", so it may not be the best neutral party. Also, I'm not Catholic (though, I'm Christian, which isn't too far off, I guess.

Marriage Counselor equals two edge sword that cuts both ways

First of, Avatar, how did you photocopy the certificate I got from university and photoshop Ahtman's name onto it? That's just freaky.

Secondly, I don't know how this has gone on so long, probably flying under the radar somehow, but it is better for a personal blog than dakka. Best of luck