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 Alex C wrote:
That's pretty normal, actually.

It might be, but it becomes something special when she tells you about it

 Frazzled wrote:

 Necros wrote:
You're right.. you should have just went home and played another time. Will probably require lots of chocolate and/or flowers to rectify the situation. Too late now, but now you know for next time

Happy wife, happy life!

No that will just mean she's won and can nag you into doing what you want. Stand your ground firmly but politely. COme on grow a pair and be man.

But, you know realize who the boss really is.......

On Sunday I did the weekly food shop and was expressly told not to get her any chocolate puddings.

I did of course get chocolate puddings for me and have just this moment been dispatched to the land of guilt for eating the last one.

I am though letting her watch House instead of me watching Justified.

 Frazzled wrote:
DOn't fall for it. Its a trap!
A better way is to offer advice on how not to spill her lunch in the future. Women love it when we give unsolicited advice on how to solve their problem.

Were you stroking a white wiener as you typed it? Do you suffer from chronic maniacal laugh? Do you keep piranhas in a pool under a suspicious walkway?

 Frazzled wrote:

 His Master's Voice wrote:
The moment she said she felt like crying because she lost her lunch is the moment you start researching if your streaming service runs Dirty Dancing and how much icecream you can buy with the cash you have on you.

Also blankets. Doesn't matter if the weather calls for it, get a blanket.

Blankets save relationships.

DOn't fall for it. Its a trap!
A better way is to offer advice on how not to spill her lunch in the future. Women love it when we give unsolicited advice on how to solve their problem.

And say it with a twinkle in your eyes.

 His Master's Voice wrote:


Were you stroking a white wiener as you typed it?

 Flashman wrote:
Never, ever mistake total silence as validation for your actions or opinions.

Total silence means "I do not concur with you but I want you to reach this conclusion on your own."

So much this. This is like practically relationships 101. How did you make it to marriage without learning this lesson???

Seriously, reading your post was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. There were like a half dozen flashpoints where you should have stopped and said "well I guess I'm not going to get a game of warmachine on tuesday if I want to have a happy marriage."

Next time put a definitive timeline on it. I'd run the conversation this way. "Yo wench, I will be gone this evening. I shall deign to return to sup sometime after 8. I expect the usual three course meal waiting and hot, or they'll be heck to pay. Now get back in there and bake me a cake, but bring me a beer first." Smack her on the keister at the same time. They love that.

Note: Don't ever try this on a girl from Jersey. She WILL murder you.

The moment she said she felt like crying because she lost her lunch is the moment you start researching if your streaming service runs Dirty Dancing and how much icecream you can buy with the cash you have on you.

Also blankets. Doesn't matter if the weather calls for it, get a blanket.

Blankets save relationships.

Edit: But seriously, this sounds like emotional blackmail. Kinda hard to deal with one way or the other.

This guy gets it.

 His Master's Voice wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DOn't fall for it. Its a trap!
A better way is to offer advice on how not to spill her lunch in the future. Women love it when we give unsolicited advice on how to solve their problem.

Were you stroking a white wiener as you typed it? Do you suffer from chronic maniacal laugh? Do you keep piranhas in a pool under a suspicious walkway?

No Piranha for Frazzled. Instead the walkway goes over a large pit filled with Dachshunds.

No impediment to the great Cat patrol of course, but its more fitting.

chaos0xomega wrote:
There were like a half dozen flashpoints where you should have stopped and said "well I guess I'm not going to get a game of warmachine on tuesday if I want to have a happy marriage."

Yeah, seriously. Be aware of her feelings/red flags. Talk to her about your want for a hobby night. If you love her, you will want to actually communicate rather than just silently resent her for not allowing you to do your stuff.

 His Master's Voice wrote:
Edit: But seriously, this sounds like emotional blackmail. Kinda hard to deal with one way or the other.

I was gonna say the same thing. In defense of the op, your wife needs to be a big girl and communicate clearly what she wants, in my experience emotional blackmail simply breeds more emotional blackmail.

If these "ruined lunches" or other emotional tolls she endures always seem to occur when you want to do something on your own (IE gaming night) it won't take long to notice that pattern of behaviour.


Wanting a significant other to be in tune with your emotions is completely normal, but there's a fine line between intimacy and omniscience.

 Crablezworth wrote:
your wife needs to be a big girl and communicate clearly what she wants,

Ha! Unfamiliar with females, are you?



(It is a joke.)

 His Master's Voice wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DOn't fall for it. Its a trap!
A better way is to offer advice on how not to spill her lunch in the future. Women love it when we give unsolicited advice on how to solve their problem.

Were you stroking a white wiener as you typed it? Do you suffer from chronic maniacal laugh? Do you keep piranhas in a pool under a suspicious walkway?

Just call me Blofield...

Frazzled confirmed for a role in Bond 24.

 pretre wrote:

 Crablezworth wrote:
your wife needs to be a big girl and communicate clearly what she wants,

Ha! Unfamiliar with females, are you?



(It is a joke.)

lol....so true....

Personally my wife has a veto she can use on any event that's not a GT (i.e. 2 day, paid for way in advance). She can use that up to 1 time every 3-4 months. Works pretty well. She doesn't feel like she has to guilt trip me into staying home and I never, ever, ever complain when she plays it (essential to her not feeling like she needs a guilt trip). Granted I normally only play in tournaments since it's the most bang for my buck(time really) and not weekly with a group. Weekly with a group it would go up to one a month more than likely.

 Flashman wrote:
On Sunday I did the weekly food shop and was expressly told not to get her any chocolate puddings.

I did of course get chocolate puddings for me and have just this moment been dispatched to the land of guilt for eating the last one.

You got it wrong. You're meant to suffer in solidarity with her, or failing that, secretly get her one that you can produce with glee at the moment she sees you eating the 'last one' and kicks off. Alternatively, if she fails to do so, you have another chocolate pudding. Win/win.

 pretre wrote:

 Crablezworth wrote:
your wife needs to be a big girl and communicate clearly what she wants,

Ha! Unfamiliar with females, are you?



(It is a joke.)

lol there's a reason I have no intention of getting hitched. But in general when it comes to relationships and power dynamics it seems pretty simple, if you treat something is a privilege your spouse can take away it will likely be treated as such, in the long run you're better off making your intentions clear that you intend to game one night of the week for the foreseeable future. Hell if it ends up being the same night every week at least it should never come as a shocker to your significant other. To be fair too, sometimes you obviously have to alter your priorities for the health of the marriage and hopefully most of the time due to genuine intent and not emotional blackmail. If it is indeed a new marriage, better to talk about separate interests being acceptable early on, the couple that does everything together also tends to grind each other down.

OK lets break this down:

She seemed okay with this, though she asked "Are you asking me or telling me you're going?' I asked her if it was okay, and she didn't seem to have an issue.
***Tell her. “Unless we have something pressing, I’m checking this out Tuesday night. I’ll be back at 8.00.” Give her plenty of advance notice. If this is a once a week kind of thing you need your space.

So yesterday afternoon (Tues) around lunch she txts me that she had spilled her packed lunch at work and she seemed pretty upset about it. Even said she felt like crying and unfortunately didn't have time to get another lunch.
***Tell her “wow that sucks. It sucks to be hungry. Forget what we said before. Treat yourself tonight. Take the girls out to Blah Blah for a girl’s night out.” (instawin major points and lets her know she’s not stuck at home.)

She also texted to inquire if I was still going to my LGS.
***And here’s the real manipulation. You should respond with “yep everything’s a go!”

As I left work (an hour earlier than she does), she called and asked what time I would be coming home. I told her I wasn't sure because I didn't know what time people would be there and how long a game would take.
***Ok that was a mistake. You should have given a reasonable time before this. Now you look like a tool.

She mentioned she was pretty hungry and would probably want to go out to eat when she got home.
***See above no lunch comment.

At this point, I felt a pretty bad for her situation and I was thinking about just turning and going home so we could eat out as soon she got home.
***NOOO that’s what she wants you to do.

In retrospect, I'm not sure why I chose to keep driving.
***Because deep down, you had a shred of testosterone left.

I guess I was kinda looking forward to seeing what this game was all about and I also wanted to move forward on some prospective trades that I was considering...depending on if how I liked this WMH game.
***Remember once a week or so is ok. Every day night, go ahead and sign the divorce papers.

After a brief discussion, I went to the restroom and texted my wife, telling her that maybe she should grab a quick snack with one of her friends as she left work because I didnt' want her to hungry waiting on me at home
***See you’re kind of leading on here. That should have been hashed out before.

She texted back, "As always, gaming is more important". I responded with "Not really, If you want me to come now, I will and I'll just try to play Next Tuesday'
***NOO you should not have responded at all.


I didn't get any response, so I decided to go ahead play a quick game. I actually called her a few times during the game to check on her, but my calls went unanswered.
***Oh you did you gave her the key to your manparts.

Our game took about 1 hr, I left at 6 and got around 6:30 to discover her making dinner.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised she pretty much completely ignored me the whole night except when I was in her way or she wanted me to stop touching her. She still seems to be completely ignoring my calls and texts
*** Next time take all her stuff and throw it outside until she quits ignoring you. Alternatively, take your food, belch, call up your bros and invite them over to watch ESPN. Make sure they bring the beer, bunch of cheapskates.

So, I'm kinda hear to get some opinions and thoughts on this. Again, in retrospect I know I messed up and should've gone home, though I think a 24 hr Cold shoulder phase might be slightly too much. I'm not sure. Would love to here other people's thoughts on this and What you might suggest to make things better.
***The only things you messed up on were not setting up that she should make food plans several days in advice and give a firm come home time (which should go for her).

This is for both.
-Don’t expect them to stay home or by the phone. Lock that down early.
-Have a firm be home time.
-Both parties WILL answer their phone if the other calls. This is a trust issue.
-Hobby time is separate but they are always invited, and hobby time should be limited.

Accept the fact your "dog" house for a week

but when you you kicked into a hole fun its

A word of caution, "laying down the law" may or may not work. Women are hardly one size fits all creatures. You know yourself, I hope, how to handle your particular lady the best. Taking a hard line may save you trouble in the future. It might also cause you a lot of trouble right now. For the sake of all that is holy do not think that we have any idea how to handle your wife better than you do. If a 24 hour cold shoulder seems a bit much, it probably is. There is probably more going on here than you realize. By all means, let her know that taking the relationship hostage is not OK, but don't expect real answers from any of us. We are either too old to remember how fragile things can be or too inexperienced to give useful advice. In either case we don't know your wife like you do, and that is the most important thing.

my $.02

Honestly, when she spilled her lunch and told you she didn't have time to get something else, unless she works far enough away that it wouldn't be possible or practical, you should have responded with "Thats okay sweetie, I'll be right over with a replacement lunch for you, any preferences?" If she does work too far away for that to be possible (more than 20 minutes I'd say), you instead call up a local pizzeria/chinese restaurant/whatever her favorite place to eat is near her office and order delivery for her, pay over the phone by card, and respond to her with "Its alright hun, I just called Franks Pizzeria/Lucky Dragon/whathaveyou and ordered something good delivered to you, my treat!"

Not only would she now not have a setup for all the events that followed after, but she would (if she is emotionally healthy/stable) be over the moon as to how exceptionally considerate you are, so much so that you might even get a 'happy ending' if you know what I mean.

Swastakowey wrote:Its things like this that made me worried about my future, but in 6 years I have yet to come across anything like this in my relationship for more than 10 minutes. And I have been with my partner since I was 15!

The key is to talk dude.

Talking would have solved it on both sides. We simply have our small argument and then cool off and either go back to before like friends would normally do or talk it out for a few minutes and compromise.

We dont know your wife, you do. So talk to her like you should know how.

Good luck.

The hard part about that is; she's giving me the COLD STONE SILENT treatment. I asked her what was wrong, told her I was sorry (though, I may not have said it enough)

Flashman wrote: Never, ever mistake total silence as validation for your actions or opinions.

Total silence means "I do not concur with you but I want you to reach this conclusion on your own."

I know that. She didn't really give me silence earlier this week when I mentioned I wanted to go. I don't remember what she said, but things were going really well for us at that time, and she didn't seem to mind.

Grey Templar wrote:Talk with her and ask what the deal is.

Question: how many nights a week are you out gaming? This will provide us with some larger context. If you're gaming 5 nights a week that might change things.

I assume you only game 1, maybe 2, nights a week(including this potential new Tuesday thing)

If so, I would just say that this is something you really enjoy doing. Point out things your wife likes doing that have a similar time commitment that she does without you and just say its exactly the same thing for you.

If Tuesday night has previously been something you traditionally do together(like a regular date night) just suggest you move it to another night.

Invite her to stop by and watch if she wants. You can even get dinner out together during a break in gaming(most groups who play from 6-10 usually have some sort of dinner break)

Recently, I've been spending every night with her, shopping, eating out and such, We've had a busy few weekends these past few weeks with my Birthday, followed by Thanksgiving, followed by our Anniversary.

At this point, I'm not gaming on any nights. I'm kinda "between" games. I just recently felt like playing miniatures, or at least painting them as I was preparing to sell my 40k stuff.. Last time I gamed was mid Nov, and that was actually just to draft a Booster box of MTG I had, which actually earned me $70, which I gave to her for her trip to LA. In fact, I've been doing more selling lately than any other Hobby activitiy.

Wow. Dude your mancard. Hand it over.

She's running a manipulation game. My daughter would be laughing her head off.

You definitely need a hobby night and more of a backbone. Quit this I'm so sorry and I did wrong crap. IF YOU ACT LIKE A WUSSY ALL THE TIME THEY WON'T RESPECT YOU.

I have barely dated and am totally not married, but I'm going to guess that there is something else eating at your wife other than a spilled lunch and your evening of gaming.

What I have seen in many of my friends' relationships is that if a woman is pulling the aforementioned gak, and making it seem as though it is about one thing then it is probably about something else completely and totally unrelated. I mean come on, no one ever gets that emotional about a spilled lunch. There is definitely something else going on with her emotional state.

Unfortunately you probably aren't a mind reader, or at least your psychic powers are on the fritz right now. Doubly women expect us to guess what the issue is, I've never understood this, "what's wrong?"; "oh nothing" game they play. It comes down to them not being able to articulate their issues or expect that we won 't be able to understand their "feelings". Well how can we understand if they never tell us.

.02

Well, here are my thoughts.

IF she had told me "hey, I wanna go with my friends to this new place and check out this new thing" blah, blah. I would ofc be fine with it. I've never really objected to anything she wants to do on her own time with friends.

But then let's say I spilled my lunch or something at work. I would simply go buy/make myself something to eat as to not interrupt her plans. I don't think would be all pouty because she continued with our previously discussed plans for the evening.

But, I guess woman are different than men. But honestly, I wasn't out that late (only 6:30, she probably got home between 5:30-5:45) and I was still planning on taking her to eat somewhere. At the time, I didn't think it was unreasonable for her to grab a snack on her way home.

So, on one hand, putting this off 'til another Tuesday wouldn't have been a big deal. Perhaps, I should have read the signs that she was pretty upset about something at work (I'm pretty sure she was okay with this until she came home from a bad day and I wasn't there to comfort her/take her out to eat and she had to start making dinner alone).

On the other hand, I hate always having to drop/change my plans (especially when they're important to me/ I've been planning them for awhile) when something doesn't go quite right for her during the day. (ie. friends cancelling plans).

On the other hand, I hate always having to drop/change my plans (especially when they're important to me/ I've been planning them for awhile) when something doesn't go quite right for her during the day. (ie. friends cancelling plans).

This is the important part. I'm seeing the method in the madness here. Does she do this a lot?

Are we licensed counselors now? Did I miss a meeting?

This is a really complicated situation, but there is a lot of subtext going on. However, here is the straight story...

1. She felt like you didn't love her.
2. Tell her to STFU and stop being so needy.
3. Get in a huge fight where she starts throwing domestic objects at you.
4. Dodge them
5. Grapple with her.
6. Tell her you love her and hold her real close.
7. Have make-up lovin'

That's what they do in the movies.


Of course, the real answer is you have to get to the root of the issue. You do this by talking openly and honestly and asking questions. You have to listen to the answers and not try to think about how you are going to defend yourself.

What is going on in her mind that she would feel that gaming is more important than her? Gaming may not be more important, but her perception is her reality.

Then, you have to decide if her perception is true and if it is; if you are going to do anything about it.

Like I said. Complicated.


Edit: Also, WTF about crying over a spilled lunch? RED FLAG! You guys need to talk and find out what is going on!

 Ahtman wrote:
Are we licensed counselors now? Did I miss a meeting?

I'm as licensed as Doctor Phil is.

Frazzled...marriage and family counselor
"Now get in there and fix me a turkey pot pie!"


(ironically the Wife actually is trained and certified in all that heeby jeeby nonsense but her first words would probably be "she needs to put on her big girl panties.")

 Frazzled wrote:

 Ahtman wrote:
Are we licensed counselors now? Did I miss a meeting?

I'm as licensed as Doctor Phil is.

Frazzled...marriage and family counselor
"Now get in there and fix me a turkey pot pie!"


(ironically the Wife actually is trained and certified in all that heeby jeeby nonsense but her first words would probably be "she needs to put on her big girl panties.")

Yep and this might happen

 Ahtman wrote:
Are we licensed counselors now? Did I miss a meeting?

You are now: