And we’re back, with the trial of Captain Zack Sabre!
He is bound to a chair in Judge van Wyck’s luxury penthouse overlooking the polluted cyberpunk dystopia of New York 2025, and plied with exotic drinks from the Mars colonies served by the Judge’s robot butler. Then we finally see Judge Portia without her gold gas mask.
Oh did I mention that everyone wears cartoony rubber gas masks whenever they are outside? I probably should have. Y’see the bleeding heart liberal greens have morphed into the Luddites who hate all technology and have destroyed all the nuclear power plants (presumably except the nuclear fuel for the flying cars that the author introduced a few pages ago…) so cities have no choice but to burn dirty coal, covering them in ‘The Smudge’ and everyone has to wear gasmasks outside.
So yeah, so she take off her gold mask and – this may shock you – she’s actually a gorgeous blond!
So yeah, long story short she finds Captain Zack Ward –
See I knew he had a last name! we finally learn it 1/3 of the way into the book! He’s even surprised that she managed to “dig it up”. I’m not sure why it would be a secret, it’s just a bit of a letdown, I mean when the author’s pen name is manlier than the protagonist’s I feel a bit disappointed.
So anyway she finds Captain Zack Warrington guilty on all counts and as punishment, sentences him to become the commander of NYPD COP TEN and take on the nom
de guerre of CAPTAIN DEATH! (Which is totally something judges can do.)
An unexpected twist I am sure no one saw coming.
Did I mention he gets a mask, it turns out Captain Death’s symbol is… A SKULL!
So yeah, then we get exposition and eventually a plot. America is ruled by President-for-life Buchanan a flower child who idealizes Gandhi and Lenin, has legalized all drugs, disarmed the police and opened the borders. How bad are things? The American Civil Liberties Union has disbanded since they know America’s civil rights are in good hands. That’s how bad things are.
Also we have Mars colonies. Presumably powered by coal.
And vat-grown androids and sex clones.
Judge Portia kindly offers Captain Zack “Death” Wilkinson the services of one but he says he’s prefer the real thing while leering at the Judge. A real charmer.
Somehow Captain Zack “Death” Woolford never heard any of this during his 20 years of fighting alongside Juan, Julio, Carla, and Guillermo the former matador turned freedom fighter in the bloody killing fields of Mexico. No one slipped him a copy of Time Magazine? No one mentioned the sex clones? No one? Or maybe Captain Zack “Death” Wilcox was just in deep denial that the country would remain unchanging while he was gone.
And it turns out in the grim darkness of the near future snuff films are all the rage and the most popular one stars The Slasher of Slaughter Gulch. The Slasher is a truly memorable character with an orange turban, a purple veil and both a scimitar and a kris knife. He moves like a ballet dancer, carving up victims with artistic flourishes. So everything is done to emphasize that this guy is a unamerican, no doubt one of the foreigners President-for-life Buchanan allowed in thanks to his open borders campaign. Wouldn’t it be a shock if the dude turns out to be an American after all?
So anyway, in pursuit of ever higher ratings they have kidnapped the President’s daughter Indira Buchanan (named for the martyred Indian Prime Minister we are told) and now Captain Zack “Death” Wimperfield must save her.
(I do like how Bing
AI just assumes that when I talk about a traitor hippy commie president I mean Obama)
Just to bring home the point Judge Portia shows Captain Zack “Death” Windsor the latest snuff film, a frankly gross scene where the heroine is both described as pre-pubescent and as having large breasts. And then carved up in graphic detail. I… there’s a lot to unpack there and I’m not getting paid for this. Moving on.
We finally meet the rest of NYPD COP TEN: the Irish cop, the Scottish cop, the two-headed, four armed, invulnerable android Andy Jumbles, and so on. Maybe this was setup for the next volume (coming soon I’m sure!) because they don’t do a darn thing for the rest of the book.
Captain Zack “Death” Waitrose decides to infiltrate the snuff studio using the clever alias of Zack Martin and the clever disguise of… um… not disguising himself. From the people who kidnapped him a few chapters back.
He saves a female star – Foxxy van Pelt – from an army of Slasher imitators, and then several cars full of assassins. Foxxy van Pelt (yes we have two Dutch names, maybe because it’s NY? Maybe because the author was running low of proper WASPy names to give the good guys?) has two emotions, screaming in fear and being hot for Captain Zack “Death” Wainright.
After saving her and killing dozens of bad guys Captain Zack “Death” Walczak announces it’s time to figure out who the Slasher is. There’s no reason for this, he could be anyone in New York, or just a role several people take on, I mean we just had a small army of Slasher imitators! But no, he’s going to crack this case. He then names several suspects who he never met. As a genre-savvy reader I’d noticed them of course, how the author prominently mentioned the pole-dancing news caster, the conservative minister who hates snuff films, the liberal who supports them etc, but Captain Zack “Death” Wallaby never met them, and no reason to suspect any of them. But I guess he read the outline so a few chapters later he announces he knows who the Slasher is but won’t tell us due to reasons.
For the record I fingered Indira Buchanan and that she faked her kidnapping.
So some more stuff happens. Captain Zack “Death” Worthington kills some people, I think they were mafia or something,
IDK, they’re dead now. One of them was Hindu, no doubt one of the many foreigners allowed into the country by President-for-Life Buchanan’s open borders policy. Captain Zack “Death” Wakayama of course can tell people’s religion and immigration status by sight, a skill learned serving with Juan, Julio, Carla, Guillermo and Pedro the former llama herder turned guerilla bomb maker in the bloody killing fields of Mexico.
So anyway we’re cutting to the climax now, the evil snuff film corporation is going to kill both Foxxy van Pelt and Indira Buchanan live on 3D, feely TV for millions of slobbering fans. Fortunately our hero Captain Zack “Death” Winchester is on set in his clever guise as Colonel Zack “Kill” Marrion. And sure enough the Slasher soon jumps out and… slashes!
But Captain Zach “Death” Williamson is there with his US Marine ka-bar knife, a weapon that gets more background than any member of NYPD COP TEN, and can kill a grizzly bear in combat. (Note: Hal Stryker and Pinnacle Crossfire do not endorse engaging grizzly bears in combat armed only with a ka-bar).
Why a ka-bar you ask? I am glad you raised this question since I have many thoughts on it. Note how the Slasher uses two foreign blades, an Arab scimitar and a Javanese kris blade and wears a turban and veil. So against this is an exotically foreign-coded villain our all-American hero picks up a knife specifically created for the USMC in World War II. Not a lot to unpack there but it’s worth noting.
But what about the gun with the 100 22mm rounds?! Isn’t that the most compelling character so far? In fact why engage the crazy knife fighter in hand-to-hand when you can shoot him from a safe distance?
Look the gun with the 100 22mm rounds is gone, this is the ka-bar’s time, the ka-bar gets more backstory than the rest of the team, deal with it.
So yeah while we were arguing about ka-bars Captain Zack “Death” Williamsonshiresmith easily defeated, disarmed and demasked the Slasher. And it’s…
(last chance to place bets)
Indira Buchanan!
I was right!
Except it’s not, she was just posing as the Slasher for a thrill!
Darn!
The real Slasher pops out and there’s another fight, and yeah, Captain Zach “Death” Wentworth literally fights him with his left hand with his right hand behind his back. In fact the point is made he wants to humiliate the Slasher in front of millions of fans, hence no 22mm bullets. So yeah, he once again easily defeats, disarms and demasks the Slasher. And it’s…
(really the last chance to place bets)
Sheldon Gilbert! The liberal arts activist who thinks snuff films are cool.
So yeah. OK. Why not.
Also in the course of the fight Gilbert reveals that he knows the protagonist’s name… CAPTAIN DEATH!
Which alarms Captain Zach “Death” Winchester because it must mean there is a mole inside NYPD COP TEN! Except um, dude you announced “I am Captain Death” a couple of pages ago. I remembered that, then I flipped back and confirmed it. Maybe the Slasher, like, heard you? If he’d said Captain Zack “Death” Wildman then yeah, we’d all wonder how he dug that up, and suspect a mole, but… you literally said your codename!
So anyway Scooby Doo ending, everyone is sent off to jail but with Indira Buchanan vows that she’s gonna tell her dad, who you will recall is President-For-Life Buchanan, and see to it that NYPD COP TEN never gets a penny of funding again!
Fortunately Foxxy van Pelt (you may recall Foxxy van Pelt, she’s the love interest) is worth billions and will fund NYPD COP TEN out of her pocket.
So Judge Portia (you may recall Judge Portia, she’s the other love interest but she’s like more of that will-they-or-won’t-they kind of thing) orders Captain Zack “Death” Wanderlust to stick close to her and keep her happy, which he cheerfully agrees to.
The End?
Well it’s been 40 years and the author passed away 20 years ago and the publishing imprint is long gone so I’m gonna say yes.
Tune in next time for some wrap up thoughts.