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These are from a book called disorder in the American courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staing calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Attorney: what was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, 'where am I, Cathy?'
Attorney: and why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
-------
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and reeboks.
-------
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No I just lie there.
-------
Attorney: What is your date if birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
-------
Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remeber which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
------
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget....
Attorney: You forgot? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
------
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
------
Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.
------
Attorney: Where you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you gakking me?
------
Attorney: So the date of conception ( of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at the time?
Witness: Getting laid.
------
Attorney: She had three children right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many we're boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Where there any girls?
Witness: Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
------
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death...
Attorney: And by who's death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
------
Attorney: Can you discribe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: was this male or female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
-----
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
------
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up to much of a fight.
-----
Attorney: All your responses MUST be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral...
------
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
------
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
-------
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Witness: Becuase his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No I just lie there.

Oh god my sides..... i cant breathe. This is to damn funny.

Now I'm laughing in a quiet office

Thanks, Wowsmash. Those were excellent.

They had it posted up on the wall at my work. I'm gunna have to try and find that book now, lol.

I almost feel sorry for the Court Reporter trying to keep a straight face during those exchanges

wonderful. thank you

 wowsmash wrote:

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I'm dying!

Why do people this stupid exist?

 ExNoctemNacimur wrote:

 wowsmash wrote:

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I'm dying!

Why do people this stupid exist?

And more importantly, why are some of them lawyers? That is worrying...

I have seen these before, but they're always good for a laugh....

Thanks OP

 wowsmash wrote:

-------
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No I just lie there.
-------

I think that's a Joan Rivers joke. She stole it from court!

These must be the C and D law students

"Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ."

Oh geeze i cant stop laughing

 wowsmash wrote:

------
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death...
Attorney: And by who's death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
------
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up to much of a fight.
-------
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No
Attorney: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Witness: Becuase his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

These three made my day, Coroners have a sick sense of humor that goes along very well with mine.

Laughing... To hard... Can't... Type... Straight... XD

 LordofHats wrote:
Laughing... To hard... Can't... Type... Straight... XD

You even posted a 'XD'!

 wowsmash wrote:

Attorney: All your responses MUST be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral...

I've seen this one a few times before and it still makes me laugh.

This absolutely made my day. Brilliant.

That was great, thanks.

Any chance of any more?

I remember these in law school. Still excellent.

My statistics proffessor just told me this story when i read him some of these.
When San Francisco banned plastics in toys for fear of cancer, toys companies where suing the city. One of their main arguments was the economic impact. My stats professor went in as a witness for the defense. He did calculations for the economic impact it would have, He came up with a loss of 21million. less then 1% of the cities income. The suing attorney found a problem with it while he was on the stand. he corrected it. It brought the number down to 13 million. Even LESS. so the attorney then tried to make everyone forget and get rid of my proff as a witness.

 Just Dave wrote:
That was great, thanks.

Any chance of any more?

Afraid not, I will try locating the book though. Was just a couple pages that were posted on the board at my work. Sounds like its an actual book though.

This was awesome. Great find!

I enjoyed this.

Haha, brilliant. I'll be sharing these with my co-workers for sure.

 wowsmash wrote:

------
Attorney: She had three children right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many we're boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Where there any girls?
Witness: Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
------

This one especially made my day, thanks for sharing