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DISCLAIMER: I am partially writing this post for catharsis and am also writing this post to get feedback from you, the online community.

Preamble[/u]
With that being said; I am sort of experiencing an internal struggle. It would be best to preface this with a little about myself so you can understand the context. I (in my opinion) possess limited social aptitude and even less when speaking with females and trying to become intimate. So much so that I have kind of stopped in the past year (although looking to hop back on that horse). With that being said I will continue onto the main event:

Body
I have been out of wargaming for a while and sporadically play RPGs (like once every 2 months). A big part of me wants to get back into all of that and make some new gaming buddies (I have relocated from my old gaming area). Honestly, if I dropped all my inhibitions I would play Infinity as my main wargame with like 2 armies for that and one medium sized 40k army for fun, and be in a Black Crusade and Star Wars: EotE campaign all at the same time. However, I constrain myself for a few reasons. I honestly think that going "full nerd" if you will would constrain my ability to befriend people outside of my geeky circle. Worse, it would inhibit my ability to actually get a legitimate girlfriend and eventually marry. I know what you are all thinking but please read my preface which describes my (lack of) social aptitude. I feel that there is a certain necessity to constrain myself so as to not lose those chances entirely. Seriously, how attractive is it for a girl you bring home to see your plastic men on the shelf while you 2 make out on your bed? On top of that, there are not too many nerdy girls around who are accepting of it and those who are around are not exactly easy to pin down.

A second part of this problem is that I am not sure if I want to go "full nerd". A big part of me (like 55%) wants to, but I feel that I should try and force myself out of my comfort zone and try some new and unfamiliar hobbies. Such as watching sports so I can discuss them with others and have something "mainstream" to discuss. I did play sports in high school and I do work out frequently (I am not a fat neck-beard). However, my interest in physical fitness does not help me become interested in sports. As it stands, my mainstream discussions are politics, policy, history, and philosophy. Which are all intriguing to me but not everyone likes to talk about that all the time........and the only other thing for me to talk about after those are my nerd games I play. I think that for the sake of networking in the future and being able to make friends with people I wouldn't normally meet that I am justified in stunting my voracious urge to game.

Conclusion
TL;DR: I want to get back into gaming but am worried about how this will limit me socially in other aspects of life. I am worried it will limit my interest in other hobbies, thereby alienating potential friends, and that it may hurt dating prospects. Given my lack of social aptitude these concerns have a modicum of saliency that they would otherwise lack.

What advice do you guys have? Does anyone else have this problem or worry from time to time?

I am content to be as nerd, it is who I am.

Nerd is no longer seen as something of a victim, most nerds are winners and even those who are not have reps of being imaginative and smart. A lot of the time its seen as more worthy, if not as cool as being sporty.

No one likes a person with only 1 dimension to their character.
You should have a hobby, everyone does and if someone isn't willing to accept that then you are probably better off not knowing them. You don't have to be a total weirdo just because you like miniatures and RPGs. It's fun, people do waay weirder things for fun.
As an aside being a nerd has gotten me more girls than any other aspect of my life which I find odd to be honest.

Thanks. Yeah I am mostly concerned with the stigmatization of being nerdy. While it [being a nerd] is something I enjoy, it is also not something that I went to become a detriment. Both in being a professional and socially in general.

Eh...
Everyone is a bit of a nerd it just changes depending on the subject.

Being yourself is far more important than impressing other people. Allow 'nerdiness' to be a part of you, and you'd be surprised how many of your friends don't give a damn after a bit of gentle ribbing.

The same applies for women. When talking about yourself, don't omit a part of you that is important. Let it form a natural part of the conversation. Hell, my longtime gf was really impressed by my work. She said it showed attention to detail and artistic flair, despite not sharing my interest.

You seem like a well rounded individual, with a variety of interests. You don't have to swat up on sports to make idle conversation, but knowing the basics can help. In social situations, asking someone to explain whats going on in a sport can really help forge a bond. E.g. I know next to nothing about football, other than the ball goes in the other goal. Yet this doesn't stop me chatting about it to passionate friends down the pub.

Bottom line is, don't hide your interests- they won't hinder you, but might help you.

I'll let Wil Wheaton do my posting for me.

So you all are encouraging me to go buy several armies of plastic men and play in RPGs? I am already on the cusp of doing so lol.

Grndhog89 wrote:
So you all are encouraging me to go buy several armies of plastic men and play in RPGs? I am already on the cusp of doing so lol.

I think you need to decide what you want out of life, and go after that.

Nothing is zero sum. You can game and have a normal social life. You can never touch a figure again and stay lonely.

Be happy being who you are. If you want to be a nerd, go for it. It's not as marginalized/stigmatized as it was a number of years ago. Nerds are mainstream now.

As for GFs, don't hide who you are. Honesty is the cornerstone of a relationship. If she's not OK with your hobbies, she probably won't work out in the long run. Not that she needs to play herself, but needs to accept that it's part of you, and something you enjoy. Most women would rather their guys spend time at the game store then at a bar. As hobbies go, it's odd, but fairly benign; there are worse ways to spend time.

I met The Wife though one of my gaming friends; he's my brother-in-law now. I'm an introverted, anti-social hermit nerd gamer, and I've been married for 13 years now. If I can do manage to find a wife, start a family, and keep gaming, anyone can.

You should have plenty of "normal" interactions with people at work. If you want to follow sports, or watch TV to chat with your coworkers about around the water cooler, that's fine, but not mandatory. Back when I worked a normal job, I found that work itself generated enough conversation material for social interaction. I did work IT, so we were a little on the geeky side to start with.

Writing the OP that way and saying "on the cusp of", you're not really fighting it too well.

Just embrace it and enjoy it. No need to fall into any stereotypes and it's never a good thing to try to limit yourself when you worry about how other's see you.

I'm also flirting heavily with the idea of getting back into the hobby and painting again. My last trip to my FLGS had me wandering around grinning like a fool at all the blister packs and boxes.

My wife doesn't have any issue with me getting back into painting, and I always said to myself that when I got full time employment I'd start getting back into it. Maybe it's a good thing that I got a job offer this morning

I think that most people have an issue with any hobby when it becomes an overwhelming part of someone's life. No different to the people who play WoW for days on end, play golf and neglect their family, etc. Everything is good in moderation.

Yeah.....I just enjoy the company of geek gamers better than others. I don't do "ghetto" or "meathead" very well. My apologies if anyone was offended by my use of those terms. Also, wow, everyone here is much nicer than on Warseer. Glad I made the change lol.

@n0t_u: Indeed. I am not doing a good job resisting my urge to game. Its simply too much fun =P

 Dreadclaw69 wrote:
I'm also flirting heavily with the idea of getting back into the hobby and painting again. My last trip to my FLGS had me wandering around grinning like a fool at all the blister packs and boxes.

My wife doesn't have any issue with me getting back into painting, and I always said to myself that when I got full time employment I'd start getting back into it. Maybe it's a good thing that I got a job offer this morning

I think that most people have an issue with any hobby when it becomes an overwhelming part of someone's life. No different to the people who play WoW for days on end, play golf and neglect their family, etc. Everything is good in moderation.

Or participate in fantasy baseball/football... dude... those guys are fullbore NERDS.

Whatever makes ya happy brah.

If you enjoy the company of a certain group of people it generally makes more sense to spend your time with them as they are a better fit. No sense spending your precious free time with a hobby that you sort of enjoy but not really, or people that you cannot relate to.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 whembly wrote:
Or participate in fantasy baseball/football... dude... those guys are fullbore NERDS.

Whatever makes ya happy brah.

Yeah..... that was a constant feature of the last job I had and I hated it. The months when there was no soccer were great because it reduced all the white noise about that sport. There was a lot of other noise that I wish was eliminated too, but thankfully it isn't my problem anymore

Stigmatization for nerdy has kinda gone away.

And you can do many nerdy things and not be a nerd. Or be a nerd and do many non-nerdy things.

Look at Vin Diesel as an example, there is a guy that really doesn't care if people think he is a nerd and likes to play RPGs. And I am guessing he doesn't have problems with the ladies.

 d-usa wrote:
And you can do many nerdy things and not be a nerd. Or be a nerd and do many non-nerdy things.

Look at Vin Diesel as an example, there is a guy that really doesn't care if people think he is a nerd and likes to play RPGs. And I am guessing he doesn't have problems with the ladies.

I totally forgot he plays D&D. Lol. I wonder who has had him in one of their campaigns....

He also plays WoW...

Of course so does Mila Kunis.

And this does put your existential crisis in an interesting context.

You are worried that "Worse, it would inhibit my ability to actually get a legitimate girlfriend and eventually marry". Are you worried that girls are going to stereotype against you if you are doing something nerdy? Or, by making that statement, are you actually somewhat guilty of stereotyping yourself by thinking you couldn't get good GF/wife from the pool of women that are nerdy themselves?

I think that your own perceptions and stereotypes of "nerds" may be making this decision a little bit harder for you than it needs to be. I'm not saying that to be mean, and I don't mean to imply any bad feelings towards nerds on your part. I don't think you have a problem with nerds, but you might have some stereotypes in your own head that are coloring your views.

Do nerdy things if you want to do nerdy things. Your personality is a complex thing and has many parts. You can be part nerd, part jock, part business man, part musician, part whatever. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies, just don't let any of them consume you and cause you to become a recluse because of it.

Shine on you bright diamond!

Jesus Christ, so much self loathing.

Be who you want to be. You're going to die someday. Screw anyone who cares.

Mila Kunis plays RPGs? Vin Diesel doing so I can accept as credible. However, this is the first time I've ever heard of Mila Kunis playing any such games. If that is true she really is a perfect woman. Lol.

Grndhog89 wrote:
Mila Kunis plays RPGs? Vin Diesel doing so I can accept as credible. However, this is the first time I've ever heard of Mila Kunis playing any such games. If that is true she really is a perfect woman. Lol.

Be who you want to be.

I am head of department in a bigger company and still play war and video games...make of that what you want

Damn Mila Kunis......you just went from "good" to "amazing" in my books.

Also, thanks for the feedback everyone. Love having fellow gamers' input!

I'm guessing (please don't confirm if I'm right), that you're still in your teens...

The truth of the matter is, Teens, it's still a pretty tough time to be a nerd I think. However, once you go into further / higher education, everything changes.

At uni, if you go into a "proper" course, you'll find that a good 90% of the people there with you are also nerds. They're nerds about science, or about history. Or art nerds. Nerds just means your passionate about something.

You'll find societies / clubs there as well and there will be nerdy girls there. Probably a decent number of them.

Now, I'm not going to claim I'm speaking from experience. I made a couple of idiotic decisions during uni. - Particularly travelling long distance to it every day. My biggest loss with university wasn't that I 'embraced' my nerdiness, it was having to leave everything at 10pm in order to get the subway to get the train to get the bus home.

Even now, a few years after uni, I'm now learning things don't exactly stop there.

There's so much nerdy stuff around that you don't often see if you're not part of that culture. I just so happened to wander into the local comic shop the other day and there was some guy dressed up in a Steampunk gear. Sure, it might not be your thing (it isn't mine) but he was talking about a recent club/meeting/gathering thing he was at. And presumably, it was something local.

I joined the facebook page for the local indy computer games store. It turns out, the place is also massively into "Magic The Gathering." - And it seems to have near enough a 50/50 gender split.

In all honesty, watch that speech from Wil Wheaton, it really honesty is quite inspiring.

Actually, I'm going to take a somewhat contrary position some other posters.

Assuming the OP is talking about dating, and therefore first or early dates, there's nothing wrong with keeping some of your hobbies and interests to yourself at first. Yes, in fact, talking too much about Space Marines on date #1 can scare the womenfolk off. And that can be unfortunate because even if the girl wasn't interested the grim darkness of the far future, she might have been fully accepting of your hobby, given you the space to enjoy it, and connected with you in a dozen other ways. FYI, this describes my wife.

My dating advice is to keep the early conversation generally light and about things you know you have in common. It may also help to watch a few popular TV shows, read some popular fiction, etc. if you're swimming in the dating pool just so you have plenty of 'safe' conversation material. Heck, even hot girls are watching Game of Thrones these days, so it's not that difficult. Then when you're comfortable that she knows you're a good guy, fun to be with, etc., then you mention your hobby, maybe even in a self-deprecating way. "Yeah, I know it's nerd stuff, but the guys I game with are good guys, and the hobby is harmless enough and clean fun." If the girl hasn't figured it out yet, she'll probably soon learn that a harmless hobby or two is preferable to your boyfriend spending his time and money in gentlemen's clubs, etc.

I suppose the nature of internet forums forces people to treat dating and the hobby like it's some kind of binary thing where she's either all in or all out. However, the world doesn't work that way. There's nothing wrong or phony about not sharing everything about yourself right off the bat, because in reality most people don't want too much dumped on them in the earliest stages of dating.

So if you're not comfortable bringing it up at first, then don't. Because then you'll probably bring it up in an uncomfortable way and make her uncomfortable, and who wants an uncomfortable date? But I see no reason why you can't game and date. Just compartmentalize a bit until you and she are comfortable. You should have that ability encoded on your 'Y' chromosome.

Meh. Wargaming is kind of a small niche hobby. I'd say all other things being equal if you're young and in shape and have limited free time, spend that time on something a young in shape fellow can do. You'll meet a larger volume and variety of people, who will be better at helping you get out of your awkward stage. Gaming isn't going to go anywhere and will still be around when you're older and lumpy and can't do the kind of things a young in shape guy can do.

Also you'll get far more chances to practice interacting with women hanging out with mainstream dudes than you will with neck beards.

Since you're not into sports take a sampling of other physical activities (Rock Climbing, [insert noun here]-boarding, running, biking] whatever. You should find something that suits you eventually.


Of course if you've the time and money to support both go ahead. However If you have to choose one, I wouldn't go with the nerd hobbies just because they're in your comfort zone.

@Compel
Actually I am 24 years old and a working professional. However, thank you for the insight nonetheless.

Grndhog89 wrote:
@Compel
Actually I am 24 years old and a working professional. However, thank you for the insight nonetheless.

Seriously... dude... whatever makes you happy.

What other people think of you? IF they have problems with this... they're not worth your time anyways.