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Just to add my two cents to the insightful contributions of the other posters, they are absolutely right in that wargaming and dating are not mutually exclusive. Unless you let wargaming consume your life you have every opportunity to land a lady as the rest of us do. I understand your concerns, and have experienced a few of them myself, but what I have found that works is not letting your hobby define who you are. If you dress well, smell good and can fake some confidence long enough to hold an interesting conversation with a woman you will do just fine.

Also, if you're making out with a lady and her attention isn't 100% focused on you, you're doing it wrong.

Let me put it this way, my friend is that farthest away from being a nerd you can he w/o being something else. He goes to events, sport events and so forth. He is 21 and still has not kissed a girl.
Me i am just an socially active as him, with exceptions on what I do(Warhammer, RPGs and so forth) we both get out of the house the same amount of time.
But we are both 21 and never been romantically involved. Why? Because we are both shy as hell around girls and scared of talking to them about anything that isnt superficial. Your biggest enemy in getting a date is yourself, not your hobbies.

DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

This. If you are forever worried about what other people think then you will never be truly happy.

I understand your concerns. I agree wholeheartedly with everyone so far, but I'm going to give a slightly different take onthe subject.

I quit wargaming, playing video games, and things like d&d for over a decade. I am a huge nerd, and I never completely lost interest in these activities and hobbies, but I decided that having incredibly niche interests was limiting my friend pool and my dating pool.

Yes video games are relatively mainstream now, and yes there is a wonderful diversity of nerds, but there are vast swathes of the population to experience that exist entirely outside the neck-beard realm. Again, yes some of these people wouldn't care at all about very nerdy hobbies like 40k, other people will find it a bit off-putting, and you might find it more difficult to fully immerse yourself in new social spaces.

I'm not a huge believer in always "being who you are." I feel you should usually be who you are, but it's okay to step outside of what's comfortable, or familiar, or even likable. This demands the expenditure of more personal energy and can become rather draining and stressful at times, I do believe it is ultimately unsustainable, but that doesn't mean you can't have a great time hanging out with people you never thought you'd be friends with, doing things you'd never thought you'd do.

I'm just now at a place where I'm ready to settle back into my nerdiness fully. It feels right, like I never , but I had an absolutely amazing time putting away my nerd toys for a while. Did I have to? Probably not entirely, but it did help me re-imagine who I could be and all the places I could go.

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

Often times the best way to do this is not simply go with what's immediately comfortable or familiar.

You can experience gaming at any point in your life, all it requires is a bit of time an energy. He's 24, fit, full of energy and apparently has some prospects to enjoy some of the things you can really only do in that situation. Little toy soldiers will still be around in another 10 years, his ability to go out and live it up with high-energy activities won't be. I'm not saying these are mutually exclusive some people have the time for both but if it comes down to choice the choice is obvious. Putting off going "Full Nerd" as he puts it gains maximum utility since there are things he can now that he'll never be able to do again, and wargaming isn't one of them.

Grndhog89 wrote:

 d-usa wrote:
And you can do many nerdy things and not be a nerd. Or be a nerd and do many non-nerdy things.

Look at Vin Diesel as an example, there is a guy that really doesn't care if people think he is a nerd and likes to play RPGs. And I am guessing he doesn't have problems with the ladies.

I totally forgot he plays D&D. Lol. I wonder who has had him in one of their campaigns....

You like RPGs and work out a lot. . . shave your head and you're set.

It's a choice. I'm more or less on the same boat but I'm going the opposite route.

Sparing the details, I'm still a 25 yo male that had a single girlfriend in his life time (and I was 17 at the time, lasted 2 years and 2-3 months), still shy when it comes to women and still a bit of anti-social because I greatly enjoy my alone times at home. Less than a year ago I decided I would stop resisting and I was going to embrace the miniature side of 40k (video games experience only) and I was only resisting because I knew it was an expensive hobby (but made me drop MtG, so that was very good ).

I made the wonderful discovery that my small painting experience when I was a wee-lad of 14 was true, I really, really enjoy painting, more than I thought possible. I like it so much I decided I made the decision I would use as much free time as I could to improve my painting skills until one day I would be able to post something like the amazing works I see here or in CMON, love life be damned.

This was my choice. Am I unhappy? No, not one bit. I am truly happy when it comes to painting, the feeling I have turning a piece of plastic into something beautiful is fantastic, it makes me feel wonderful. My only regret is not starting sooner. There's nothing bad or wrong following what you want that makes you happy. If you feel you'll be happy dropping the nerdy habits, go ahead. The nerdy habits will be here for you once you decide it's time to give a try again.

But don't think I'm an hermit living on the top of a mountain I have friends, not plenty like some people, but friends I spend time with, we have fun together on our nerdy hobbies, I get along with people at work (and when it comes to sports, I love making fun of them and their teams ) and I think I'm a decent enough chap. I'm just not that social, I do enjoy my "alone times", eck, even almost all the video games I play are single player.

TL;DR - Do what you feel you need to do to have some happiness in yer life.

 Frazzled wrote:
ITS YOUR LIFE..

...AND IT'S NOW OR NEVER! YOU AIN'T GONNA LIVE FOREVER!

Argh! channeling Bon Jovi!

@ the OP
Are you seriously asking Dakka whether to buy a load of plastic spacemen or not?
We're on dakka because most of us have already made that choice and have uncontrollable grey plastic crack addictions.


I'm a nerd. I own a shedload of transformers. I met my wife on a blind date - I explained that I bought and sold transformers on ebay (with an emphasis on profit - not the fact that most of it was buying ). She came to mine and was able to still find me attractive, even when thousands of little toy robots were staring at her. This is why I married her.

If you're concerned about it affecting your 'dateability' then make sure you can put it well away if you meet someone you like. Or be upfront about it. Girls like confidence.

Bon Jovi?

I didn't read anyone else's responses to you op so this is directly to you.

Do whatever makes you happy! I've wasted so much time worrying about what others think and honestly its silly, my lady made me realize that most people could care less what I'm doing or thinking when I'm out and about, and yes some people are judgemental but it feels like a waste to not do things you enjoy because of other people. I don't like sports much but I've slowly started watching football and UFC stuff and have friends who like that type of stuff and friends who don't and like nerdy stuff, and when were all together we get along regardless of our hobbies.

I had a friend visit last month that had played every single board game in the local stores we went to but didn't like being in the stores because he didnt want people to think he is a nerd, so he didnt enjoy himself because he was worried about what others in the store were thinking.

Life's to short to not do things you enjoy. I try to do new and different things to broaden my horizons. I was doing some weight lifting/cigar smoking/beer drinking with a buddy of mine the other day and while he doesn't share any of the wargaming hobbies I do he knows that I like those things. So do what you want, go play wargames, and then go watch a football game, do whatever makes you happy, you can have different groups of friends and not have to hide what you like.

Do whatever, no one really cares. Your dates don't even care about what you are into until it becomes a real thing.


************I will now go totally off-topic***********************

Now, the trick to getting dates is really easy. Ask. When you get turned down, no bigs just move to the next and ask again.

Then, when you are on dates, make them action dates where you have to do physical stuff and get the chance to physically come in contact with each other in a natural and non-creepy way. As a plus, it naturally leads into the next bit of advice.

Third, don't talk much, instead ask questions, listen, ask a follow-up question, listen etc, etc.. In my experience, people just want someone to genuinely listen to them. Plus, you stay a mystery which makes people want to solve "you".


Damn, I love dating threads! I'm a sick, sick person but they are my favorite type of OT thread. We need MOAR!

Being a nerd and doing 'nerdy' things like painting models and playing RPGs would be part of your life.
If you give up everything else to do that, you'll have problems elsewhere.
But, if you can keep from spouting nerdiness to anyone you talk to you'll be fine.

Keep what you are now, and just add to it, you'll be a more rounded and interesting character.

Chongara wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

Often times the best way to do this is not simply go with what's immediately comfortable or familiar.

You can experience gaming at any point in your life, all it requires is a bit of time an energy. He's 24, fit, full of energy and apparently has some prospects to enjoy some of the things you can really only do in that situation. Little toy soldiers will still be around in another 10 years, his ability to go out and live it up with high-energy activities won't be. I'm not saying these are mutually exclusive some people have the time for both but if it comes down to choice the choice is obvious. Putting off going "Full Nerd" as he puts it gains maximum utility since there are things he can now that he'll never be able to do again, and wargaming isn't one of them.

That doesn't necessarily maximize utility. Suppose he settles down, has kids and loses his free time/money? Suddenly he'll be wishing he had done all that fun wargaming when he was an unattached twentysomething.

 Rented Tritium wrote:

Chongara wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

Often times the best way to do this is not simply go with what's immediately comfortable or familiar.

You can experience gaming at any point in your life, all it requires is a bit of time an energy. He's 24, fit, full of energy and apparently has some prospects to enjoy some of the things you can really only do in that situation. Little toy soldiers will still be around in another 10 years, his ability to go out and live it up with high-energy activities won't be. I'm not saying these are mutually exclusive some people have the time for both but if it comes down to choice the choice is obvious. Putting off going "Full Nerd" as he puts it gains maximum utility since there are things he can now that he'll never be able to do again, and wargaming isn't one of them.

That doesn't necessarily maximize utility. Suppose he settles down, has kids and loses his free time/money? Suddenly he'll be wishing he had done all that fun wargaming when he was an unattached twentysomething.

Wife and Kids will suck away all your time and money. Most of my miniatures were collected and painted when most of my income was disposable and I had the time and energy to stay up painting until 2 in the morning. And didn't have to take frequent breaks because my back is aching.

You young whipper-snappers don't realize how good you have it! Enjoy life while you can, doing what you enjoy. Someday you will have loads of responsibilities, aches, bills, and worries. There are some perks to being a curmudgeony old man, but try to put it off.

 Rented Tritium wrote:

Chongara wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

Often times the best way to do this is not simply go with what's immediately comfortable or familiar.

You can experience gaming at any point in your life, all it requires is a bit of time an energy. He's 24, fit, full of energy and apparently has some prospects to enjoy some of the things you can really only do in that situation. Little toy soldiers will still be around in another 10 years, his ability to go out and live it up with high-energy activities won't be. I'm not saying these are mutually exclusive some people have the time for both but if it comes down to choice the choice is obvious. Putting off going "Full Nerd" as he puts it gains maximum utility since there are things he can now that he'll never be able to do again, and wargaming isn't one of them.

That doesn't necessarily maximize utility. Suppose he settles down, has kids and loses his free time/money? Suddenly he'll be wishing he had done all that fun wargaming when he was an unattached twentysomething.

Even folks who are settled and have folks still wargame semi-regularly, at least from what I've observed. Heck, I've seen folks showing off how they get their kids involved in their hobby . It may not be as easy, and you may not be be able to do it as frequently. I think you'll find decidedly fewer people taking their kids white water rafting, or looking to get rowdy at a party.

Certainly there is a chance life could conspire against you to prevent wargaming later in life. However it's nowhere near as certain as your inability to go out and be young with other young people, once you hit 30+.

Chongara wrote:

 Rented Tritium wrote:

Chongara wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

Often times the best way to do this is not simply go with what's immediately comfortable or familiar.

You can experience gaming at any point in your life, all it requires is a bit of time an energy. He's 24, fit, full of energy and apparently has some prospects to enjoy some of the things you can really only do in that situation. Little toy soldiers will still be around in another 10 years, his ability to go out and live it up with high-energy activities won't be. I'm not saying these are mutually exclusive some people have the time for both but if it comes down to choice the choice is obvious. Putting off going "Full Nerd" as he puts it gains maximum utility since there are things he can now that he'll never be able to do again, and wargaming isn't one of them.

That doesn't necessarily maximize utility. Suppose he settles down, has kids and loses his free time/money? Suddenly he'll be wishing he had done all that fun wargaming when he was an unattached twentysomething.

Even folks who are settled and have folks still wargame semi-regularly, at least from what I've observed. Heck, I've seen folks showing off how they get their kids involved in their hobby . It may not be as easy, and you may not be be able to do it as frequently. I think you'll find decidedly fewer people taking their kids white water rafting, or looking to get rowdy at a party.

Certainly there is a chance life could conspire against you to prevent wargaming later in life. However it's nowhere near as certain as your inability to go out and be young with other young people, once you hit 30+.

I'm pretty settled myself, and I game PLENTY, but I still wish I had painted more when I was 22 and had tons of time and money.

Chongara wrote:
Even folks who are settled and have folks still wargame semi-regularly, at least from what I've observed. Heck, I've seen folks showing off how they get their kids involved in their hobby . It may not be as easy, and you may not be be able to do it as frequently. I think you'll find decidedly fewer people taking their kids white water rafting, or looking to get rowdy at a party.

Certainly there is a chance life could conspire against you to prevent wargaming later in life. However it's nowhere near as certain as your inability to go out and be young with other young people, once you hit 30+.

Getting old does not mean you can't do active things. When my father was my age, he was taking my brother and I hiking, rock climbing, and downhill skiing. In his 40s he went on white water rafting trips with us, and we all learned to SCUBA dive, plus kept up with the earlier stuff. My grandfather went skiing every day, every winter, until his mid 70s.

My dad is not a wargamer, but he does have his hobbies. He made and flew remote control airplanes. Made sawdust in his woodshop (and the occasional bowl/box) He probably spent the same amount of time puttering in the basement/out doing hobby stuff as I do. Plus active stuff. He was out, being young, with young people. He just happened to be in his 40's while being young, and the young people he was out with were his sons.

be who you are, otherwise someone isnt with you for who you are, they are with you for who you are pretending to be.


Im a full on nerd, but I aslo enjoy non nerdy stuff like sports/business/politics, trust me my shelves of models are far more attractive to women then most guys shelves full of empty beer bottles.

Most girls actually like that I have hobbies that involve art, imagination, and creativity.

If they dont like me just because of any nerdy habits, then they dont like me, plain and simple.

 Rented Tritium wrote:

Chongara wrote:

 Frazzled wrote:
DON'T resist your nerd urges. ITS YOUR LIFE. Enjoy it to its fullest.

Often times the best way to do this is not simply go with what's immediately comfortable or familiar.

You can experience gaming at any point in your life, all it requires is a bit of time an energy. He's 24, fit, full of energy and apparently has some prospects to enjoy some of the things you can really only do in that situation. Little toy soldiers will still be around in another 10 years, his ability to go out and live it up with high-energy activities won't be. I'm not saying these are mutually exclusive some people have the time for both but if it comes down to choice the choice is obvious. Putting off going "Full Nerd" as he puts it gains maximum utility since there are things he can now that he'll never be able to do again, and wargaming isn't one of them.

That doesn't necessarily maximize utility. Suppose he settles down, has kids and loses his free time/money? Suddenly he'll be wishing he had done all that fun wargaming when he was an unattached twentysomething.

Opportunities to paint and game after marriage and kids are still greater than one's opportunities to party and mess around with girls.


I'm still firmly in the camp of do both and compartmentalize, and don't shove plastic army men under the nose of new ladyfriends until you know they can handle it.

 gorgon wrote:
Opportunities to paint and game after marriage and kids are still greater than one's opportunities to party and mess around with girls.

Sounds like you just have a boring marriage.

I'm still firmly in the camp of do both and compartmentalize, and don't shove plastic army men under the nose of new ladyfriends until you know they can handle it.

That depends on what your goals are. If you want random hookups where you never see each other again sure, hide your hobbies. If you want something long-term then why waste time on anyone who can't handle the existence of your hobbies? You might have an easier time getting the first couple dates, but what's the point when the "relationship" is inevitably doomed? You're better off being yourself, filtering out the people you don't want to waste your life on anyway, and focusing on the people who have real potential.

 Peregrine wrote:

 gorgon wrote:
Opportunities to paint and game after marriage and kids are still greater than one's opportunities to party and mess around with girls.

Sounds like you just have a boring marriage.

Boring as in "not swingers"? Um...yeah. Assuming a normal, "closed" marriage and a desire to avoid a messy, expensive divorce, methinks the opportunities to play the field are a smidge more plentiful in your young, single years.

I'm still firmly in the camp of do both and compartmentalize, and don't shove plastic army men under the nose of new ladyfriends until you know they can handle it.

That depends on what your goals are. If you want random hookups where you never see each other again sure, hide your hobbies. If you want something long-term then why waste time on anyone who can't handle the existence of your hobbies? You might have an easier time getting the first couple dates, but what's the point when the "relationship" is inevitably doomed? You're better off being yourself, filtering out the people you don't want to waste your life on anyway, and focusing on the people who have real potential.

Well, you can certainly avoid second dates and those "boring" relationships by getting right into all your offbeat hobbies and various baggage on date #1. Any guy with some dating experience has probably had a date with that chick who goes on and on about a past boyfriend, how she dresses up her cat, her obsession with some celebrity, etc. Rambling on about wargaming on the first date is an equivalent.

What you're not processing is that these things might have been with time an endearing quality of an otherwise normal and dateable person. But on an early date they just raise immediate red flags and a reason to cut someone loose at a stage in which a person has zero investment in the relationship. It's not about treating your hobby like it's some kind of terrible secret. It's just about not going "full weird" on someone when they're just trying to get comfortable hanging out with you. This is very basic dating stuff.

As a dating tip if you're looking for nerdy girls look up your local LARP chapter. It doesn't get much nerdier than that, but there is generally a good number of females in the late teens early 20's age group that love the kind of stuff you love with likely just as much passion. Most of them have other nerdy pursuits as well.

Just go with it.

 Easy E wrote:
Do whatever, no one really cares. Your dates don't even care about what you are into until it becomes a real thing.


************I will now go totally off-topic***********************

Now, the trick to getting dates is really easy. Ask. When you get turned down, no bigs just move to the next and ask again.

Then, when you are on dates, make them action dates where you have to do physical stuff and get the chance to physically come in contact with each other in a natural and non-creepy way. As a plus, it naturally leads into the next bit of advice.

Third, don't talk much, instead ask questions, listen, ask a follow-up question, listen etc, etc.. In my experience, people just want someone to genuinely listen to them. Plus, you stay a mystery which makes people want to solve "you".


Damn, I love dating threads! I'm a sick, sick person but they are my favorite type of OT thread. We need MOAR!

I agree with you. About EVERYTHING.

And I'll just add what you already said, but I'll say it in a cheesy cliche!

You have to increase your "At Bats" if you want to increase your Batting Average.

 gorgon wrote:
Boring as in "not swingers"? Um...yeah. Assuming a normal, "closed" marriage and a desire to avoid a messy, expensive divorce, methinks the opportunities to play the field are a smidge more plentiful in your young, single years.

Then you need to think about how important it is to "play the field" vs. have a "normal" marriage. If you feel like you're making a big sacrifice by getting married you're doing it wrong.

PS: "not a normal 'closed' marriage" =/= "inevitable divorce".

Well, you can certainly avoid second dates and those "boring" relationships by getting right into all your offbeat hobbies and various baggage on date #1. Any guy with some dating experience has probably had a date with that chick who goes on and on about a past boyfriend, how she dresses up her cat, her obsession with some celebrity, etc. Rambling on about wargaming on the first date is an equivalent.

You realize there's a difference between rambling on when the other person is obviously not very interested and not hiding major parts of your life, right? You don't have to give a 30 minute lecture on how cool space marines are just because you invited a date over to your house and had some models sitting out in plain sight.

What you're not processing is that these things might have been with time an endearing quality of an otherwise normal and dateable person.

Why are you making the ridiculous assumption that people who have nerdy hobbies can't be "normal and dateable"?

I bagged a job as a Job Instruction trainer and beating out over 100 other applicants by bringing a sprue of Orks to my final interview and teaching the interviewers how to clean and assemble Boyz. By the end of the process, they had a couple of fine slugga boyz that they had put together.

Grndhog89 wrote:

With that being said; I am sort of experiencing an internal struggle. It would be best to preface this with a little about myself so you can understand the context. I (in my opinion) possess limited social aptitude and even less when speaking with females and trying to become intimate. So much so that I have kind of stopped in the past year (although looking to hop back on that horse). With that being said I will continue onto the main event:

Honestly I don't find talking to woman any harder than talking to guys (then again I'm a gabby person from a talkative family) the trick is to treat them as individuals rather than getting worked up due to the fact the person is female, male, hermaphrodite or transgender it'll help you because it's

easier to show interest in someone when you treat the person as unique individual with it's own personality, goals, ambitions, etc as you actually have to learn about the said person. Forming good relationships is about knowing and understanding people, god this sounds way too cliche.

Cheesecat wrote:
Honestly I don't find talking to woman any harder than talking to guys (then again I'm a gabby person from a talkative family) the trick is to treat them as individuals rather than getting worked up due to the fact the person is female, male, hermaphrodite or transgender it'll help you because it's

easier to show interest in someone when you treat the person as unique individual with it's own personality, goals, ambitions, etc as you actually have to learn about the said person. Forming good relationships is about knowing and understanding people, god this sounds way too cliche.

This pretty much hits the nail on the head. I had some trouble talking to women in the past, but there are three big rules about talking to women. Confidence, confidence, confidence!

Don't come off as a meathead know-it-all, but lead the way, don't stutter, talk confidently and smoothly, and be assertive. Women dig it.

 Easy E wrote:


Do whatever, no one really cares. Your dates don't even care about what you are into until it becomes a real thing.

Now, the trick to getting dates is really easy. Ask. When you get turned down, no bigs just move to the next and ask again.

Then, when you are on dates, make them action dates where you have to do physical stuff and get the chance to physically come in contact with each other in a natural and non-creepy way. As a plus, it naturally leads into the next bit of advice.

Third, don't talk much, instead ask questions, listen, ask a follow-up question, listen etc, etc.. In my experience, people just want someone to genuinely listen to them. Plus, you stay a mystery which makes people want to solve "you".

Also very accurate. I would suggest trying a dating site, such as OkCupid, to increase the amount of people you can find that are looking for something similar. The social stigmata of online dating has largely disappeared and there are some beautiful ladies on there. Just don't go full creeper, and for the love of God make sure your messages are well thought out with solid punctuation and grammar.