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Hey everyone, I've started writing a companion story for a campaign I'm writing, but I started writing at 01 in the morni g so I cant tell what I need to change.
Well here it is:

Prologue: last legs 
Lucas knew he would never leave. Both of his legs had been ripped off by the monster, and the remaining stumps bled profusely. He sat on a small boulder, the darkening sky above starting to shine with stars. He balanced himself with one hand, and holding his sergeant's bolt pistol in the other. He looked down at the data-pad mag-locked to his thigh.  the screen read: 

+++Distress call+++
destination: all 'forsaken knight' vox-stations.
Level of importance: 5. EXTREME.
Stakes: planet, mortallis, no human population.
Sending: 94 percent  complete
Estimated time until completion: 2.45 standard minutes.

"emperor damn you infernal machine!" Lucas yelled at the pad. It did not respond. He heard a sliver over the sand below his boulder. 
"damn you too!" he shouted at the tunnelling monstrosity. 
"how long?" he said to the machine.
" one minute, fifty four seconds" a monotonous voice replied. Lucas heard the slivering again. He raised his pistol and shot it several dozen feet away. A mound of sand grew and slowly moved toward where he had shot. "one minute remaining untill transmission send" the monotone said. One minute. He had to live one more minute. He was an astartes. This would be easy. He heard, or rather felt, the monster move back to his boulder, losing interest in the small explosion caused by the bolt. He had repeated this process for well over an hour, all the while waiting for the transmission to send. Usually, the communication would have been instantaneous.  But the damaged datapad was working At only a fraction of it's usual power. A stabbing pain. NO! the thing had stabbed a sword-sized talon through his left thigh, inches from the pad.
"DIE!" he yelled. And emptied a clip into the sand below. The thing withdrew it's claw. "thirty seconds remaining". "emperor damn it you bastard, don't you dare try and get me now". But apparently the beast did not appreciate the insult. A giant head, larger than Lucas, erupted from the sand, it was on a short neck, and a vaguely triangular torso held it aloft, a thick tail followed, long enough that even with over fifteen feet In the air, the thing showed no sign of miss-balance. It's head was hideous, a large, brown blob of flesh followed by red plate and a ravenous mouth. The sides wereurrdf lined by arms of varying sizes, each ending in a large, curved talon. 
" so, you are to be my death. Very well,  i should have you know that I taste like sand paper." he swiftly reloaded his pistol. as it swayed in front of him, it's putrid breath caused his armour toxin system to beep annoyingly. Lucas shot it in the eye. Directly in the eye. The eye, coincidentally, exploded.
RRRROOOOOWWWW the beast bellowed in pain. It propelled it's body forward, and Lucas launched himself towards it. 
"transmission complete." and, with those wonderful words, the monster swallowed Lucas, still shooting it's inner gullet, he saw his sergeant's helmet, speared on one of those massively huge teeth.  And then death was upon him.

chapter 1: the shrouded lord.
Octavion  sprinted through the cavernous hall ways of the ship. His grey robes hung from his musculature. His leather boots thudded dully against the floor of the space
Craft with every step. Astartes, fully grown, wearing
Battle armour, strode as fast as he sprinted. Octavion  Was one of very few Initiates in the forsaken knights, ever since the battle of mortalis, the splitting of the chapter, only a handful of recruits had been selected, octavion  Was blessed to have been appointed such an honour. He rounded a corner, and found his destination. The gathering chamber was large enough to fit a dozen land raiders. The roof was barely visible, way up. A larger "stage" took up a small section of the centre. But what caught the eye was the row upon row of blue and purple armoured space marines surrounding this, 7 feet tall demigods standing like statues. Octavion Took his place, standing next to his mentor, the tactical sergeant metthias. 
"don't talk. Eyes on the speaker. Listen." the astartes was a man of few words. Octavion nodded hastily. Z reccuring boom came from a corridor at the back of the chamber. All of the astartes kneeled, with octavion hastening to join them. The astartes moved to make a path from the corridor to the central platform, leaving octavion and matthis kneeling to the side of the path. And then, striding from a corner further down the corridor, a small group of astartes walked. Their were five astartes, all wearing the massive terminator armour that was so rare among the Imperium. Octavious Could not believe his eyes. The four in front parted, and revealed the master of the forsaken knights. The shrouded lord. He was no taller than his brothers, yet seemed a mountain beside them. He wore terminator armour, with a tabard covering his chest, and a cape hanging in his wake. He wore the distinct helmet of a terminator, silver, the sign of a veteran. His crux terminates was elaborately decorated.  And, to distinguish him as chapter master, was gold. His helmet was covered by a hood. Two massive thunder hammers hung from his hips. The shrouded lord strode proudly, and lifted one massively armoured leg onto the platform. He stood at his full hight, and seemed to radiate power. When he spoke, it was like a lake, deep and purposeful. 
" brothers, I am before you, the first and second companies of the forsaken knights, to bring news." he paused. " we have received a distress signal. From the planet mortalis." several of the dozen initiates gasped, octovian among them. Matthis clipped him over the head. Causing a long , throbbing pain. He realised the shrouded lord was looking at him. The shrouded lord spoke again: " a squad of veterans were sent to investigate claims of the tyranid xenos made by the local guardsmen." several of the older space marines scoffed. " it would appear, that these reports are true."  a large viewscreen lowered behind him. A single pict-capture was presented: a large, clearly tyranid, organism erupting from sand, the pov image showing the brother's hands as he raised his bolter. And the space marine the monster already had gripped in it's mouth, who, even inches from death, was jamming his bolt pistol up the monsters nostril. 
" we will deploy all available forces to mortalis, lest the planet be consumed by these scum. Dismissed." and the shrouded lord stood down, and left the chamber, his guard following him.

I need to know how I can improve this.

Wasn't able to prof read because I was so into it. I'm dyslexic so I'm most likely not your best option anyways. But great story and I'd like to see more!

Why are the letters not capitalized at the beginning of paragraphs? That is a big snafu right there.

Well, you asked for proofreading and editing, so you're gonna get it. I will be very direct and harsh with this, but it is in the interests on improving your writing.

That said.

Why are you not using capital letters? The complete haphazard use of your editing makes the story just appear sloppy. If you as a writer are not going to bother with basic rules of grammar, why should I as a reader care about your writing? I won't sugar coat this, but it looks like very lazy writing. You do not save any effort or time in capitalizing and grammar, and it vastly improves the overall quality and readability of your piece. The same goes for your use of punctuation. It is all over the place and wrecks the flow of the story completely.

There are ways to keep an eye on your grammar. Simply use Word, or any spell-checking addons in your browser. This is not complicated details here, but rather basic. Just take the time to polish your work, as these basic things will keep the story from being anything other than just a 'meh'.

As for the meat of the story, I gotta be honest with you as well. All I got out of it was a big 'so what?'. A single long paragraph is not a chapter, friend. You are writing like you are in some kind of a race, and all the story feels like is a big tumble of words. There's no descriptions of the characters or setting, no chance for any of your readers to bond or empathize with any of the characters. Granted, these are Space Marines and not exactly the most down to earth humans, but at the same time, there is so much more you could be doing with this. Nearly every single sentence is just the most basic blurb of action. It might help you to read it out loud to yourself and hear how stilted the whole thing is.

You're rushing, and it shows. A good story takes a lot of time to build, and requires a great attention to detail. Right now, it is just the re-telling of every action, without any description or heart. "He did this. The lord walked up and spoke. And they all kneeled." It's just dusty and dry. It needs life and vitality.

 curran12 wrote:
Well, you asked for proofreading and editing, so you're gonna get it. I will be very direct and harsh with this, but it is in the interests on improving your writing.

That said.

Why are you not using capital letters? The complete haphazard use of your editing makes the story just appear sloppy. If you as a writer are not going to bother with basic rules of grammar, why should I as a reader care about your writing? I won't sugar coat this, but it looks like very lazy writing. You do not save any effort or time in capitalizing and grammar, and it vastly improves the overall quality and readability of your piece. The same goes for your use of punctuation. It is all over the place and wrecks the flow of the story completely.

There are ways to keep an eye on your grammar. Simply use Word, or any spell-checking addons in your browser. This is not complicated details here, but rather basic. Just take the time to polish your work, as these basic things will keep the story from being anything other than just a 'meh'.

As for the meat of the story, I gotta be honest with you as well. All I got out of it was a big 'so what?'. A single long paragraph is not a chapter, friend. You are writing like you are in some kind of a race, and all the story feels like is a big tumble of words. There's no descriptions of the characters or setting, no chance for any of your readers to bond or empathize with any of the characters. Granted, these are Space Marines and not exactly the most down to earth humans, but at the same time, there is so much more you could be doing with this. Nearly every single sentence is just the most basic blurb of action. It might help you to read it out loud to yourself and hear how stilted the whole thing is.

You're rushing, and it shows. A good story takes a lot of time to build, and requires a great attention to detail. Right now, it is just the re-telling of every action, without any description or heart. "He did this. The lord walked up and spoke. And they all kneeled." It's just dusty and dry. It needs life and vitality.

Wow! Thank you for this. I'm writing on my iPod, so no caps correct. Although I will later. I have a problem with being very repetitive in my writing, and if you have any tips on that regard it would be very appreciated.

 the shrouded lord wrote:

...several of the dozen initiates gasped, octovian among them. Matthis clipped him over the head. Causing a long , throbbing pain. He realised...

The full stop in that sentence really threw me off. Causing a long, thobbing pain eh?

But mostly, what curran said. Capitilisation is important, and don't feel like the comma key is your foe. Instead, embrace him as you would your oddly shaped, left curving son. There are far too many clipped sentences in the whole piece.

I'm no English teacher though, so don't take any of it to heart. It is still an interesting piece it just needs that extra bit of 'life' as curran said. It will help draw the audience in - and keep them in.

Well, from a purely mechanical standpoint (writing-wise), one form of avoiding repetition is in your sentence structure.

With a quick look over what you have, I can tell you that your structure is very, very repetitive. Most sentences follow this shape: Subject verbs object. In short, most of your sentences begin with the subject, then immediately the verb and the object. It makes everything feel jerky, and it kills chances to develop the character when you are stuck in that kind of a loop. Let me just take an example here...

His helmet was covered by a hood. Two massive thunder hammers hung from his hips. The shrouded lord strode proudly, and lifted one massively armoured leg onto the platform. He stood at his full hight, and seemed to radiate power. When he spoke, it was like a lake, deep and purposeful.

This will do. Notice how all but the last sentence have the same basic shape and style. And, in this particular example, the sentences really do not contribute a great deal to the scene, they are doing things that are better used in description. If I may, let me take a crack at re-writing this:

Hefting an armored leg onto the platform, the shrouded lord rose to his full height, the telltale colors of his armor and heraldry barely visible beneath the heavy cowl that hung over his face and shoulders. Taking the briefest moment to asses the Astartes in the chamber, the lord spoke, his voice carrying the same weight as the twin thunder hammers shackled to his hips.

Same idea, but a lot more lively.

 curran12 wrote:


Hefting an armored leg onto the platform, the shrouded lord rose to his full height, the telltale colors of his armor and heraldry barely visible beneath the heavy cowl that hung over his face and shoulders. Taking the briefest moment to asses the Astartes in the chamber, the lord spoke, his voice carrying the same weight as the twin thunder hammers shackled to his hips.

Same idea, but a lot more lively.

Nailed it curran!

Old mate comma, he's a good bloke. Don't neglect him.

 curran12 wrote:
Well, from a purely mechanical standpoint (writing-wise), one form of avoiding repetition is in your sentence structure.

With a quick look over what you have, I can tell you that your structure is very, very repetitive. Most sentences follow this shape: Subject verbs object. In short, most of your sentences begin with the subject, then immediately the verb and the object. It makes everything feel jerky, and it kills chances to develop the character when you are stuck in that kind of a loop. Let me just take an example here...

His helmet was covered by a hood. Two massive thunder hammers hung from his hips. The shrouded lord strode proudly, and lifted one massively armoured leg onto the platform. He stood at his full hight, and seemed to radiate power. When he spoke, it was like a lake, deep and purposeful.

This will do. Notice how all but the last sentence have the same basic shape and style. And, in this particular example, the sentences really do not contribute a great deal to the scene, they are doing things that are better used in description. If I may, let me take a crack at re-writing this:

Hefting an armored leg onto the platform, the shrouded lord rose to his full height, the telltale colors of his armor and heraldry barely visible beneath the heavy cowl that hung over his face and shoulders. Taking the briefest moment to asses the Astartes in the chamber, the lord spoke, his voice carrying the same weight as the twin thunder hammers shackled to his hips.

Same idea, but a lot more lively.

Wow.
So I need to stop "templating" my sentences? I'l try.

Continuing:

After the shrouded lord left, the astartes slowly went about their business. Octavion jogged alongside matthis. His blue eyes glittering with suppressed tears. He rubbed his mop of hair. " go prepare your wargear, report to my chamber." nodding hurriedly, octavion sprinted ahead.

The small room was decorated sparingly. A small desk sat in one corner. A bed, with a mooty green sheet that did not to block cold rested along one wall. And a small cabinet took up the final steel wall. Looking at his bed, octavion believed the rumour among the initiates that the astartes slept standing up, if at all.  The cabinets steel doors opened with a creack and octavion grabbed his bolter from it's stand. The weapon had saved his life more than once.

I'm trying to make my sentences run smoother, but I'm not sure if it's working

Let me put it this way for you. Maybe this will help you see it better. I'm going to break your paragraph down so that each sentence is its own line and break them down. One thing you should do regardless is read them out loud. People are good at reflexively knowing when a story is smooth or not when it is spoken to them.

After the shrouded lord left, the astartes slowly went about their business.

This is a step in the right direction. It is still a very plain sentence, but every sentence doesn't need to be elaborate. This might be expanded, though, by going into detail as to what 'their business' happens to be. Telling where some are going, or how your hero is interacting with them as they disperse.

Octavion jogged alongside matthis.
His blue eyes glittering with suppressed tears.

Bundling these together because the second one is not a complete sentence. Merge these with a comma. But that said, this is a chance to inject some personality into your characters. How does he speak to the other? How does the other react? This (and the sentence after) amount to nothing more than walking up to a guy and pressing A to talk. There's no emotion or feeling in any of this. The tears don't tell me much as a reader because I have no investment in any of the characters. One tip to remember as a writer is that it is your job to make readers care about the characters, as they will not care or know about them as much as you do.

He rubbed his mop of hair.

Who rubbed whose hair? This sentence is just kind of a blurb. No real meaning.

" go prepare your wargear, report to my chamber."
nodding hurriedly, octavion sprinted ahead.

Why is he hurried all of the sudden? Again, clunky emotions show signs of rushing.

The small room was decorated sparingly.
A small desk sat in one corner.
A bed, with a mooty green sheet that did not to block cold rested along one wall.
And a small cabinet took up the final steel wall.

These are all achingly dry and devoid of any meaning. Why do we care about this? What is this base, bare-bones description doing for the story and the reader? If these are important details, why are they so shortly dealt with? If they are unimportant details, why give them their own sentence?

Looking at his bed, octavion believed the rumour among the initiates that the astartes slept standing up, if at all.

Other than grammar, this is a little better. Though it does raise fluff questions.

The cabinets steel doors opened with a creack and octavion grabbed his bolter from it's stand.

Did it just open on its own?

The weapon had saved his life more than once.

Okay, this has potential to be interesting, but again why is this just such a short and pointless little blurb. Your audience does not know as much as you do, it is your job to fill them in.

Afteri read a book, I absorb that style if writing, so I need to go read some black library, thanks again and I'l keep working on this.

 the shrouded lord wrote:
Afteri read a book, I absorb that style if writing, so I need to go read some black library, thanks again and I'l keep working on this.

The only things I can add here are: sliver is a thin, narrow, usually sharp bit of something. Slither is what snakes (and presumably certain strains of Tyranid) do.

Secondly, how does the guy at the start of the story "launch" himself at the Tyranid when it charges at him? According to the opening, he's got no legs.

squidhills wrote:

 the shrouded lord wrote:
Afteri read a book, I absorb that style if writing, so I need to go read some black library, thanks again and I'l keep working on this.

The only things I can add here are: sliver is a thin, narrow, usually sharp bit of something. Slither is what snakes (and presumably certain strains of Tyranid) do.

Secondly, how does the guy at the start of the story "launch" himself at the Tyranid when it charges at him? According to the opening, he's got no legs.

1. thank you! I spent so long trying to figure out what I was saying wrong.
2. with his arm he kind of pushes himself into the air a bit.

 the shrouded lord wrote:


2. with his arm he kind of pushes himself into the air a bit.

Then, as a suggestion, you may want to work that into the sentence somehow. Something along the lines of "A lack of legs didn't stop him from rushing headlong to face the enemy; he propelled himself forward using the hands the Emperor blessed him with" would clear up any confusion.

One of the main issues is the incorrect use of comma's and it is driving me nuts. Each comma acts as a short pause that is used to separate the sentence. Here is a break down of one portion of your writing:

The four in front parted, and revealed the master of the forsaken knights. The shrouded lord. He was no taller than his brothers, yet seemed a mountain beside them. He wore terminator armour, with a tabard covering his chest, and a cape hanging in his wake. He wore the distinct helmet of a terminator, silver, the sign of a veteran. His crux terminates was elaborately decorated. And, to distinguish him as chapter master, was gold. His helmet was covered by a hood. Two massive thunder hammers hung from his hips. The shrouded lord strode proudly, and lifted one massively armoured leg onto the platform. He stood at his full hight, and seemed to radiate power. When he spoke, it was like a lake, deep and purposeful.


The four in front parted, and revealed the master of the forsaken knights. - (Why is there a comma after "parted" - the sentence reads as: The four in front parted, (PAUSE) and revealed the master of the forsaken knights. Instead you should have wrote either: "The four in front parted and revealed the master of the forsaken knights." OR "The four in front parted, revealing the master of the forsaken knights.")

The shrouded lord. - (This isn't a complete sentence. Instead do something like this: The four in front parted and revealed the master of the forsaken knights, the shrouded lord.)

He was no taller than his brothers, yet seemed a mountain beside them. - (The wording is very awkward "seemed a mountain". The first part claims that he is not larger than the other marines, then the second half goes on to say that he is larger than them. Instead you need to add something that makes it clear that it is his presence or reputation that is "large". Unless you meant he was bulkier, then you need to make it more clear. Mountains are tall, we don't discuss how wide they are.

He wore terminator armour, with a tabard covering his chest, and a cape hanging in his wake. - ( Reads as: He wore terminator armour, PAUSE with a tabard covering his chest, PAUSE and a cape hanging in his wake. Instead remove the first comma - "He wore terminator armour with a tabard covering his chest" The the tabard covers the terminator armour so there is no reason to separate the sentence between these two pieces.)

He wore the distinct helmet of a terminator, silver, the sign of a veteran. - (Your previous sentence started with "He wore" - it looks sloppy to have the next sentence start the same way.)

His crux terminates was elaborately decorated. - (This sentence is very underwhelming and not very useful. In the previous two setences you went into detail about the appearance of his helmet and now you just get "lazy" and say "Oh BTW he had some shiny stuff on his armour too. Either cut the sentence or describe how it was elaborately decorated. Try: "His crux terminates was elaborately decorated with inscriptions, commemorating many hard fought battles.")

And, to distinguish him as chapter master, was gold. - (This isn't a sentence - see how awkward it looks when you take it out of the paragraph. A solution is to combine the previous sentence with this one. Tip: don't start a sentence with "And".)

His helmet was covered by a hood. - (Now we are back to describing the helmet again. So we go from tabard, to helmet, to crux, to helmet. This sentence should follow the previous one about his helmet.)

Two massive thunder hammers hung from his hips. - (This is a simple sentence, but I have no complaints.)

The shrouded lord strode proudly, and lifted one massively armoured leg onto the platform. He stood at his full hight, and seemed to radiate power. - (Neither sentence is an issue on their own, however when you combine the two... you have a bit of an issue: He places a single leg onto the platform, then he standing at his full height. How is standing on one leg his full height? Instead use: "and lifted one massively armour leg onto the platform, before the rest of his armoured mass followed."

When he spoke, it was like a lake, deep and purposeful. - (Sorry but I lol'd here - I've never complimented a speaker by saying they sound like a lake )

This is before the room description, I'm trying to add more character to matthis:

His mentor shook his head and turned to his second in command, Loki. " the boy's heart is in the right place, but he lacks initiative." he said as they passed the stairs leading down to deck four. "it is less a lack of, more a ... Hesitation, he seems to think you would feed him to the drakes if he put one toe out of line." Loki replied.
"but it's not only that, he hurries when anything is ordered of him, yesterday in basic stealth training-"
"- get to the thunderhawk without being seen?"
"- yes. As soon as I started the drill he ran straight toward the thunderhawk, with no attempt made at stealth." they passed another member of the squad, who was in the process of carrying a crate of bolter clips on his shoulder. 
Matthis sighed. "mortalis, I'm telling you now the bugs will never have that planet as long as I live." they reached the door to matthis' quarters. 
"you? Ha ha, the bugs would start chewing and then spit you out, you old man." maths swung his fist, but the younger astartes was to fast. " you prove my point well"
" bah! Go prepare your wargear too!" 

Am I personalising them to much, are they too not "halt, we are space marines!"? I can easy edit this out. Also, I've edited a fair bit of the fist chapter.

Anything?