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Daemonhammer wrote:
There is no hope for us wargamer folk.

There are a number of married folks here on dakka, and in the gamer world in general.

When I was in my mid/late teens, I thought my outlook was pretty grim. Didn’t start really dating until college. Even that was pretty lackluster for a bit. But after a few false starts and bad breakups, eventually I found the right woman.

Don’t give up hope. If an introverted geeky slacker like me can get married, and stay that way for 14 years and counting, pretty much everyone has a chance!

Have you all tried crying frequently? To be honest it works pretty well for me when I feel lonely. I guess that doesn't help you get a date but it seems getting a date is impossible so there must be some sort of alternative!

 Nevelon wrote:

Daemonhammer wrote:
There is no hope for us wargamer folk.

There are a number of married folks here on dakka, and in the gamer world in general.

When I was in my mid/late teens, I thought my outlook was pretty grim. Didn’t start really dating until college. Even that was pretty lackluster for a bit. But after a few false starts and bad breakups, eventually I found the right woman.

Don’t give up hope. If an introverted geeky slacker like me can get married, and stay that way for 14 years and counting, pretty much everyone has a chance!

I suppose you are right, I am usually in "life contemplation" mode late at night.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 KelseyC wrote:
Have you all tried crying frequently? To be honest it works pretty well for me when I feel lonely. I guess that doesn't help you get a date but it seems getting a date is impossible so there must be some sort of alternative!

Alcohols work well for me when im sad.

But I only have so much alcohol! Tears are free

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

Well, maybe try to look for things you may have in common. In which “mainstream” fields do you have a particular interest? For instance, are you really fond of music, or movies? Are you really much into a sport? If so, maybe just ask them for their tastes in that domain, and eventually propose to do some related activity. Something like “Which kind of music do you like? I am going to some jazz concert next Saturday, are you interested in joining?”
(I am no expert though, of course. So take my advises with some salt.)

I would say its valid advice, but not applicable advice. A lot of my matches on Tinder don't 'like' any of the pages I like, and often times when they do they are just very generic likes (Oh, so you like Pearl Jams facebook page too? Tell me more about how they're apparrently your favorite band because I have no other context by which to determine mutual interests?")

So, apparently Tinder is not the Holy Land that we have been promised . That almost makes up for all I did to make it work with no success. Almost.
Maybe the problem is your picture, or maybe it is just that Tinder is not working well in your area…
Maybe you'll get lucky later.

To be fair, I've only messaged first once or twice (again, most of my convos start because they come to me), and in both those cases it was because the girl 'lead' me. You are going to get a match one of two ways, either you swipe first, or they do. If you swipe first, then that means that it goes into their queue of desperate guys and it looks something like this:




Note the steady stream of messages at the top and the general 'overload' of options. If she swipes first (in which case you will be instantly notified that its a match when you swipe her as well), that means that she theoretically (provided that you use tinder regularly enough to catch her while its 'fresh') isn't yet inundated with dudes trying to get into her pants, and thus your message is that much more noticeable.

 Easy E wrote:

 Avatar 720 wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:
No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder

Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.

That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.

@Alby- Got any suggestions?

Yeah, I'd love to get Alby's opinion on this one, right now I'm struggling to find a way to feel out common ground etc.

 KelseyC wrote:
Have you all tried crying frequently? To be honest it works pretty well for me when I feel lonely. I guess that doesn't help you get a date but it seems getting a date is impossible so there must be some sort of alternative!

XD

 KelseyC wrote:
Have you all tried crying frequently?

I did. It does not work, but for some reason I keep doing it.

chaos0xomega wrote:
I would say its valid advice, but not applicable advice. A lot of my matches on Tinder don't 'like' any of the pages I like, and often times when they do they are just very generic likes (Oh, so you like Pearl Jams facebook page too? Tell me more about how they're apparrently your favorite band because I have no other context by which to determine mutual interests?")

I would say, do not look at which pages they like. Just find out by asking.
I am not on Facebook, but you would have a hard time knowing most of my interest just by looking at my profile on G+.

chaos0xomega wrote:
You are going to get a match one of two ways, either you swipe first, or they do. If you swipe first, then that means that it goes into their queue of desperate guys and it looks something like this:




Note the steady stream of messages at the top and the general 'overload' of options. If she swipes first (in which case you will be instantly notified that its a match when you swipe her as well), that means that she theoretically (provided that you use tinder regularly enough to catch her while its 'fresh') isn't yet inundated with dudes trying to get into her pants, and thus your message is that much more noticeable.

Woah. Woah, woah, woah. That… does not look effective .

My new girlfriend thinks my toy soldiers are cool. It's all about how you explain yourself.

That is still not what I will be bringing up first when trying to find common interests with a girl.

Yea, definitely not...

and Hybrid, no its not effective at all, Tinder really should revise its algorithm to determine who sees who and how many people can be matched simultaneously, I imagine if I was a chick id be rapidly overwhelmed...

Not common interests, it's talking points gents. Talk about interesting things when asked about yourself, listen to her interesting things. You don't need to have tons of things in common to do work.

Judging from the various tumblrs about tinder, it seems the best way to go about it is to just talk about random crap (and by random, I mean messaging something utterly random and nonsensical... you'll get some responses... then you'll never from them again lol)

chaos0xomega wrote:
Judging from the various tumblrs about tinder, it seems the best way to go about it is to just talk about random crap (and by random, I mean messaging something utterly random and nonsensical... you'll get some responses... then you'll never from them again lol)

Yeah it seems overhyped in my opinion.

Also considering how many people use it and how simple the app is it could be less buggy.

Having a way to sort suggestions by shared FB likes would be useful, and would encourage people to add and update them.

Finding a match and having the app say something like "You both share an interest in _____, why not talk about it?" is much better than the "Why haven't you said anything yet?" BS it gives you.

Some people's FB likes are also pointless, outdated, non-existent, or a combination of all three. I try and look for shared music interests, but outside of that any other likes are probably back from when they were 14 and everyone was liking random crap for the hell of it. It'd also help if people did more than copy-paste idiotic quotes into their bios and actually use them for their intended purpose, or even at all. ¬.¬

Yeah, the "I'm yelling tinder" and "I can be your tinderella" quotes got old quick

 Easy E wrote:

 Avatar 720 wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:
No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder

Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.

That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.

@Alby- Got any suggestions?

Hey folks, sorry, been really busy recently. A quick update: I met the most amazing girl! She's tall, slim, blonde and an artist. She's from my hometown, we get on great... Just generally really like this chick. Looks like I might have a girlfriend, a keeper this time.

Anyhow, starting conversations on Tinder... I guess my general advice would be 'don't try too hard to be noticed'. Whilst this might be counter intuitive, it's easy to completely mess up your first impression by being too wacky/smooth/forward. Send a quick message and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES send a follow-up message if she doesn't get back to you right away. My opening message is always this:

'Hey (name), what's happening? x'

That's literally it. Occasionally, if there's something interesting about their profile, I'll ask about it, but not that often. Only if it's noteworthy. If a girl likes the look of you, she'll reply, simple as. From there it's usually been something like this:

'Oh nothing just chilling lol. Work tomorrow, sad times. :(. You?'

'Booo! Haha, yeah same. Where you work?'

'Just in an office/shop/who cares. It's alright. My boss is a dick though. You?'

'Yeah, I work for a bank in risk and remediation, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. Yawn. '

'Hahaha! (They always seem to laugh at that, Christ knows why) I dunno, it sounds pretty interesting. (By interesting, she means well-paid. I'm not)'

'You should get out more! Haha, jokes.'

And so on. Works for me. The key is to not be creepy and to make her laugh, but not try to hard to do so. Be cheeky, poke fun at her if you get the chance. Girls like to be teased because (IMO) it shows you're not TOO concerned about her feelings and therefore don't reek of desperation.

As always, standard caveats apply. I'm just sharing what works for me, it's not the gospel. I HAVE slept with three different girls over the last fortnight though, so read into that what you will. I'm just trying to help however I can.

Well you dont need to brag

Do your conversations get any 'deeper' than that? Because I can do that all day, problem is getting them to a point where i can segway to discussing a meetup/getting their number, the convo usually fizzles out after as many messages as you just described.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Also, while I'm at it...

So yesterday was my usual trivia night with my friends, lo and behold there was a new hostess who I have never seen before, and she was absolutely gorgeous... and I wanted to talk to her, but aside from the fact that she was generally busy buzzing about the place, I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be, especially considering that I'm a regular there, have a pretty good relationship with the bar staff, etc. which I don't want to sour, I enjoy getting free/discounted gak. Beyond that, no idea how or what I should talk to her about, since shes in work mode and I'm obviously not lol.

I think I did catch her looking at me a couple times, though I'm not positive...

Honestly, I stopped trying so hard and then I was able to see when things could go somewhere and when they wouldn't. I actually stopped letting hooking up/sex be my main focus of social interactions with women because I honestly didn't buy the social standard that my manliness is measured by the amount of sex I was having.

Nothing is more unappealing than desperation and it gets picked up on quick by other people. Sometimes when you try too hard it comes off as desperate and that can turn people off quick. So my advice, as a married man who just celebrated his fifth anniversary earlier this month, is to not try so hard. Relax, slow down, if it works out then it works out; if not, then don't push it. No one is judging you but yourself and why should you care if you are not finding someone you are compatible with. Just stay confident that you are worth the time and someone else will too.

Thats all well and good, but it doesn't make me any better at conversing with strangers

chaos0xomega wrote:
Thats all well and good, but it doesn't make me any better at conversing with strangers

I honestly didn't read your post so my post wasn't intended as a response to you, but...

Smile at her, does she smile back, with her eyes?
Honestly, getting someone's attention while they are working, especially if she is a waitress, is hard. You're not the only bloke in the bar/restaurant who has an interest in her or has expressed it. She has to shut down a little in order function in her job without being completely annoyed by unwanted advances (known/unknown by the guy interested in her).

My suggestion, keep it casual. If she ends up your waitress, be generous, be kind to her when she waits on you, ask her how she is doing. Crack a joke when you see the chance, get her to laugh. But if she doesn't respond, then just keep it casual. As you said, this place is a frequent haunt of yours and you don't want to ruin that.

If this place is a frequent haunt, have your contacts in the bar do the heavy lifting for you. Find out a bit about her from them too.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Albatross wrote:

 Easy E wrote:

 Avatar 720 wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:
No dates for me, sent a few messages back and forth with various chicks on tinder

Back and forth? Nobody on Tinder even responds to my first message - and before anyone says anything, no, I'm not typing "Hi." and sitting there waiting like a lemon.

That bring sup a good question. How do you start a back and forth. I was in "the game" way before Social Media was a thing so I have no idea.

@Alby- Got any suggestions?

Hey folks, sorry, been really busy recently. A quick update: I met the most amazing girl! She's tall, slim, blonde and an artist. She's from my hometown, we get on great... Just generally really like this chick. Looks like I might have a girlfriend, a keeper this time.

Anyhow, starting conversations on Tinder... I guess my general advice would be 'don't try too hard to be noticed'. Whilst this might be counter intuitive, it's easy to completely mess up your first impression by being too wacky/smooth/forward. Send a quick message and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES send a follow-up message if she doesn't get back to you right away. My opening message is always this:

'Hey (name), what's happening? x'

That's literally it. Occasionally, if there's something interesting about their profile, I'll ask about it, but not that often. Only if it's noteworthy. If a girl likes the look of you, she'll reply, simple as. From there it's usually been something like this:

'Oh nothing just chilling lol. Work tomorrow, sad times. :(. You?'

'Booo! Haha, yeah same. Where you work?'

'Just in an office/shop/who cares. It's alright. My boss is a dick though. You?'

'Yeah, I work for a bank in risk and remediation, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. Yawn. '

'Hahaha! (They always seem to laugh at that, Christ knows why) I dunno, it sounds pretty interesting. (By interesting, she means well-paid. I'm not)'

'You should get out more! Haha, jokes.'

And so on. Works for me. The key is to not be creepy and to make her laugh, but not try to hard to do so. Be cheeky, poke fun at her if you get the chance. Girls like to be teased because (IMO) it shows you're not TOO concerned about her feelings and therefore don't reek of desperation.

As always, standard caveats apply. I'm just sharing what works for me, it's not the gospel. I HAVE slept with three different girls over the last fortnight though, so read into that what you will. I'm just trying to help however I can.

I had a feeling it would be that easy. Just keep it casual, informal, and shallow.

 ProtoClone wrote:
Honestly, I stopped trying so hard and then I was able to see when things could go somewhere and when they wouldn't.

I guess I wen the other way, from not trying to trying. None worked, though.

 ProtoClone wrote:
I actually stopped letting hooking up/sex be my main focus of social interactions with women because I honestly didn't buy the social standard that my manliness is measured by the amount of sex I was having.

Well, sex is certainly not my main motivation for getting into a relationship. It seems very accessory to me at least for the moment. Beside, I think I am somehow still not very comfortable with the idea.

 ProtoClone wrote:
No one is judging you but yourself and why should you care if you are not finding someone you are compatible with.

Well, that guy judge damn harshly.

 ProtoClone wrote:
Just stay confident that you are worth the time

Why would I believe that?

 ProtoClone wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:
Thats all well and good, but it doesn't make me any better at conversing with strangers

I honestly didn't read your post so my post wasn't intended as a response to you, but...

Smile at her, does she smile back, with her eyes?
Honestly, getting someone's attention while they are working, especially if she is a waitress, is hard. You're not the only bloke in the bar/restaurant who has an interest in her or has expressed it. She has to shut down a little in order function in her job without being completely annoyed by unwanted advances (known/unknown by the guy interested in her).

My suggestion, keep it casual. If she ends up your waitress, be generous, be kind to her when she waits on you, ask her how she is doing. Crack a joke when you see the chance, get her to laugh. But if she doesn't respond, then just keep it casual. As you said, this place is a frequent haunt of yours and you don't want to ruin that.

I figured, I just want the attention . Thing is though that I have no interaction with her or the waitstaff in general, our bartender (who we tip obscenely well) handles everything for us and usually has a table set aside for us unless they're exceptionally busy. She (as the hostess) just handles seating for the dining area (not the bar area), though she does interact with the bar staff occasionally based on what I saw (she walked past me a few times).

And smiling... uhhh... I don't smile well unless its a natural thing (which only happens rarely it seems, my friends joke about it). My attempts to force a smile results in more of a grimace.... its sad, not knowing how to smile... :C

If this place is a frequent haunt, have your contacts in the bar do the heavy lifting for you. Find out a bit about her from them too.

I don't know if my relationship with the dudes at the bar is quite to that level yet...

If you tip well, it is up that level.

Also, instead of smiling, try the ye' olde head nod.

head nod and a 'hey'? (at which point I would probably smile somewhat naturally)

chaos0xomega wrote:
head nod and a 'hey'? (at which point I would probably smile somewhat naturally)

Don't do a head nod, please don't do a head nod. Head nod doesn't really indicate anything. I head nod coworkers, acquaintances, and customers I am vaguely familiar with.
If you see her and cross her path, make eye contact and say "hi". How does she respond is what you should look for next. Did she smile back in a way that wasn't just a "hi, customer, and welcome to my work please buy stuff"?

If you want to get to know her, GET TO KNOW HER! Don't have people do the work for you. If you are interested then make the effort to make that connection.

I understand the smiling part, trust me I do, but try it. Maybe make a joke out of it with her. Say "Hi" *smile* "Did that smile seem natural to you? I have been trying to work on it looking more natural." Then, when you see her you again you already have something to break the ice with.

chaos0xomega wrote:
I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be

It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.

Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?

Use my sure fire pick up line!

"Hey do you know any good places to hide a body?"

 Peregrine wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:
I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be

It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.

Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?

I am going to have to echo this thought. Even though I have given you some suggestions, it really isn't worth it in this situation. There so much working against you and the last thing you want is to make it all awkward.

Sad chaos0xomega is sad, but understands full well, that was basically my thought process too :(

 Peregrine wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:
I wasn't sure how appropriate it would be

It's not. Remember, this is someone who is getting paid to be friendly to you and could get fired if she isn't. Aside from the ethical issues with a situation in which someone has limited ability to say no you just aren't going to be able to have a natural conversation. Unless she makes a move first and seems to be expressing interest in you beyond keeping her job and getting a good tip, just let it go. Until you get to that point whatever "mutual" interest you think you see is just the same thing every other customer is getting.

Just think about it this way: is the small chance of a relationship or hooking up with someone who you know absolutely nothing about worth the risk of ending up on one of those "creepy customer" sites?

That's why I recommend he tried going through his friends at the place to get some face time such as an introduction or something. However, it doesn't sound like that is an option. Then he's not :creepy customer" but ChaosXOmega the guy who knows the bartender.