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Yep. The key there is how casual it sounded, too.


I must say, it feels a little odd to be back in the dating game. It's been 5 months, which simultaneously feels like both a long time and a short time. I actually don't know if I can be bothered with it at the moment. That might just be because I have man-flu though. I guess we'll see...


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Wow, this thread will be a year old at the end of next month! Crazy.

 Easy E wrote:
Since you are 27, I don't want to see you make a 14 year old mistake and try to "force" something to happen.

Thanks. But when in doubt about if doing something is appropriate, I always take the more conservative option of not doing it. And I am very often in doubt. If I was surprised that she started a conversation, it is precisely because after she stopped taking lunch with me after climbing, I got the impression that she was not interested in interacting with me anymore. So I stopped too.

 Easy E wrote:
Example:
Hybrid: "My PhD Defense? Sure, what did you want to know about it?"

Her: "How did it go?"

Hybrid: "I would love to tell you more about it. I'm busy now, but let's get together either Wed or Thursday around 7ish at Blank Place and we can talk more there. So which day works better Wed or Thursday?"

Her: "Yeah, neither of those days work for me?"

Hybrid: "Okay well. I'm pretty busy too so I guess either of those days next week can work for me too? You?"

Her: "Yeah, Wednesday I guess."

Hybrid: "Cool, I'll fill you in on my PhD defense then. I got to run so see you then."

Pretty straight forward.

Ah, sadly because of where we live (remote suburbs of Paris, very stupid place to put all the academic stuff if you are asking me), there is no place we can meet at easily, and since she does not even have time/want to see me for lunch just after climbing, when we eat at a place that is literally on the path between the climbing gym and her lab, I doubt I would get a positive answer for that. Maybe during the week-end?
Thank you anyway, I will keep this advice in mind for later (and I do remember it from the previous time you mentioned it itt too . Just not at the right time!).
In the actual discussion, I only answered that I had not had my defense yet, asked her about her article (she has had no positive result yet, so no article for the moment) and then said “See you on Friday then”.


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 Albatross wrote:
The key there is how casual it sounded, too.

Me? Or her?
I could not even tell you if I sounded casual, uninterested or desperate . I think I sounded more casual or uninterested, but… well, I am hardly sure of anything.

Have you ever just said: I'm not that good at this stuff but do you want to go out on a date sometime?

She'll say yes or no, either way your now have that out of the way in no uncertain terms.


Don't phrase as as hang out, or get together, use the word DATE so there is no confusion of romantic interest vs friendship

Also apparently getting a date with a nice mathematician/statistician from OkCupid, at the geekiest bar in Paris. She was supposed to send me pictures of her Zoidberg cosplay, but she said it would be easier to show to me directly if we met in person .
I should better warm up my oral English till then .

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
Also apparently getting a date with a nice mathematician/statistician from OkCupid, at the geekiest bar in Paris. She was supposed to send me pictures of her Zoidberg cosplay, but she said it would be easier to show to me directly if we met in person .
I should better warm up my oral English till then .

If all else fails, hit her with Euler's Identity. That thing is so beautiful...

 stanman wrote:
Have you ever just said: I'm not that good at this stuff but do you want to go out on a date sometime?

No. I am not sure how I would phrase that in French. Or if I should rather phrase it in English.
That is not going to be easy, but maybe I should try to do this.


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 A Town Called Malus wrote:
If all else fails, hit her with Euler's Identity. That thing is so beautiful...

Not sure how much she cares about complex numbers, as a statistician. Her profile states she likes the Kullback–Leibler divergence. I need to warm up my statistics .

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
Also apparently getting a date with a nice mathematician/statistician from OkCupid, at the geekiest bar in Paris. She was supposed to send me pictures of her Zoidberg cosplay, but she said it would be easier to show to me directly if we met in person .
I should better warm up my oral English till then .

Why don't you just go with that one? I mean the other one doesn't seem that interested in my eyes. If you want something a lot you would show interest. It's not like somebody is going to act bored if they really wanted you. They might even show it in their speech and actions.

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 A Town Called Malus wrote:
If all else fails, hit her with Euler's Identity. That thing is so beautiful...

Not sure how much she cares about complex numbers, as a statistician. Her profile states she likes the Kullback–Leibler divergence. I need to warm up my statistics .

Even statisticians should be able to appreciate the beauty in a single formula which links e, pi and i together

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 stanman wrote:
Have you ever just said: I'm not that good at this stuff but do you want to go out on a date sometime?

No. I am not sure how I would phrase that in French. Or if I should rather phrase it in English.
That is not going to be easy, but maybe I should try to do this.

The only part that isn't easy is what you create in your mind. Making mole hills into mountains. Meaning that you are overthinking it so much that it becomes a giant impassible mountain when in reality it's a tiny bump. It is like ripping off a small bandage it only hurts for a second and then you are relieved.


Je suis terrible à poser ce genre de questions. Voulez-vous aller à une date?

 flamingkillamajig wrote:
Why don't you just go with that one?

I have not even met her in person yet, is it not a bit early to consider I should just focus on her and forget everyone else?

 stanman wrote:
The only part that isn't easy is what you create in your mind. Making mole hills into mountains.

Yeah, and I am very good at doing this . Just because I know they are on my mind is not enough to overcome them…

 stanman wrote:
Je suis terrible à poser ce genre de questions. Voulez-vous aller à une date?

She does not speak perfect French yet, but if I said that she would certainly recognize some terrible, terrible translation from English . I mean, was that Google Translate? If so, it is worse than I would have though.

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 flamingkillamajig wrote:
Why don't you just go with that one?

I have not even met her in person yet, is it not a bit early to consider I should just focus on her and forget everyone else?

 stanman wrote:
The only part that isn't easy is what you create in your mind. Making mole hills into mountains.

Yeah, and I am very good at doing this . Just because I know they are on my mind is not enough to overcome them…

 stanman wrote:
Je suis terrible à poser ce genre de questions. Voulez-vous aller à une date?

She does not speak perfect French yet, but if I said that she would certainly recognize some terrible, terrible translation from English . I mean, was that Google Translate? If so, it is worse than I would have though.

Well how many options do you have? I mean there's this girl and the girl that didn't really talk to you that much for like a month. Personally this one seems more interested.

l' astuce est de savoir la grammaire de la langue .

 flamingkillamajig wrote:
Well how many options do you have?

Not enough to dismiss and cast away any of them, I think.

 the shrouded lord wrote:
l' astuce est de savoir la grammaire de la langue .

And to find a good equivalent to the word date too. Because in French date does not have this meaning. I guess maybe the expression “sortir ensemble” could do. But she might miss the romantic meaning of the expression.

true, perhaps then: Je te veux.

That would be very creepy, I believe. Almost restraining order creepy.

I couldn't think of anything else. I don't know many words.

Well, problem solved .
I am going to look very, very stupid, but it is okay. I learned today that she is married . By asking her what she did for the holidays. I had heard quite a bit about her cat before, but never about her husband . Now, I know this means my whole approach until now must have been very, very bad, but at least now when I will overthink about whether or not I am annoying her, I will do so only about friendship. And as I explained, I have a much more laid-back approach toward overanalyzing whether or not people wants to be friend with me! (… yeah, I know I am overanalyzing a lot of things.)

 stanman wrote:
Have you ever just said: I'm not that good at this stuff but do you want to go out on a date sometime?

She'll say yes or no, either way your now have that out of the way in no uncertain terms.

I'm all for making intentions clear, but the offer should also always be specific...a specific activity with a specific timeframe.

Breaking the ice seems to be one of the harder parts. Once you've talked with the person it should get much easier. That said asking them out is another somewhat rough step.

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
Well, problem solved .
I am going to look very, very stupid, but it is okay. I learned today that she is married . By asking her what she did for the holidays. I had heard quite a bit about her cat before, but never about her husband . Now, I know this means my whole approach until now must have been very, very bad, but at least now when I will overthink about whether or not I am annoying her, I will do so only about friendship. And as I explained, I have a much more laid-back approach toward overanalyzing whether or not people wants to be friend with me! (… yeah, I know I am overanalyzing a lot of things.)

What was she doing on okcupid if shes married!??? Ugh, dont answer that question, I've seen my friends girlfriends/significant others on both OKC and Tinder while they were in relationships, I dont fuckin understand it.

chaos0xomega wrote:

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
Well, problem solved .
I am going to look very, very stupid, but it is okay. I learned today that she is married . By asking her what she did for the holidays. I had heard quite a bit about her cat before, but never about her husband . Now, I know this means my whole approach until now must have been very, very bad, but at least now when I will overthink about whether or not I am annoying her, I will do so only about friendship. And as I explained, I have a much more laid-back approach toward overanalyzing whether or not people wants to be friend with me! (… yeah, I know I am overanalyzing a lot of things.)

What was she doing on okcupid if shes married!??? Ugh, dont answer that question, I've seen my friends girlfriends/significant others on both OKC and Tinder while they were in relationships, I dont fuckin understand it.

I don't he meant that chick mate.


In other news: The Unsinkable Albatross has the blues. Seriously, I'm staying in on a friday night, listening to Alicia Keys right now!

 Albatross wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
In other news: The Unsinkable Albatross has the blues. Seriously, I'm staying in on a friday night, listening to Alicia Keys right now!

No, you are just getting old.

 Easy E wrote:

 Albatross wrote:

chaos0xomega wrote:

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
In other news: The Unsinkable Albatross has the blues. Seriously, I'm staying in on a friday night, listening to Alicia Keys right now!

No, you are just getting old.

Yeah, thanks mate, you're fething great help!

It’s OK to take some time to relax by yourself. Don’t think you need to be out there every weekend, working the scene, trying for a date. Sit back, pour yourself a beverage, and read a book or watch a movie. Recharge your batteries.

Night out every weekend? Pfffft. I think last year I had a night out about 7 times.

And that felt like me being busy.

 Compel wrote:
Night out every weekend? Pfffft. I think last year I had a night out about 7 times.

And that felt like me being busy.

Define "night out". I had about two gaming nights last year (one very early last year, the other on the 29th of December ) and that was about it. Gotta love anxiety! *Scoffs another handful of Propanolol*

Easy, I think I'm being misquoted there....

I live right next door to an art college. So I everyday I have a few girls walk into my room while I am working. Though I would rather be talking. My work takes precedence...

 Avatar 720 wrote:

Define "night out". I had about two gaming nights last year (one very early last year, the other on the 29th of December ) and that was about it. Gotta love anxiety! *Scoffs another handful of Propanolol*

Night out as in, 'general social event / gathering where, if not the aim, of the night out, but at least, meeting women would not be against the evenings original intention. Usually involving a pub or four.'

Whereas, a night out gaming, would generally involve mostly gaming.

Reading this thread, I'm seeing a lot of conjecture and/or over-complications with very basic human interactions that are turning mole-hills into mountains. Asking someone out on a date is really that easy. You ask them out on a date. Even with all the extraneous circumstances (IE excuses to yourself), it's simply a matter of grabbing your courage (liquid or otherwise) and asking the question.

Yes, you can ask anyone out. I've asked a very attractive college-aged woman out who was working the cashier line at Chipotle without knowing her name. I found out her name in the ensuing text-messaging and date that followed. Turns out she was a fashion design major and we didn't really hit it off personality wise, but hey, we had fun, and when I dropped her off at her apartment the next morning we both decided it be best to be a one time thing. Lots of examples of this, and I'm not Brad Pitt on the attraction scale.

If there's someone who'd like a real life example of something like this happening and recorded in text, I can provide it. It's the Facebook messages my now-wife and I traded when I first met her and attempted to get her to go on a single date with me. She avoided the subject for three months because she knew of my reputation within our organization, and I framed it for her birthday gift. If not, no biggie, but refer to paragraph one and two. The day I accepted that for what it was, was the day dating became much, much, much easier.

Also, don't do this:

 Easy E wrote:

Hybrid: "My PhD Defense? Sure, what did you want to know about it?"

Her: "How did it go?"

Hybrid: "I would love to tell you more about it. I'm busy now, but let's get together either Wed or Thursday around 7ish at Blank Place and we can talk more there. So which day works better Wed or Thursday?"

Her: "Yeah, neither of those days work for me?"

Hybrid: "Okay well. I'm pretty busy too so I guess either of those days next week can work for me too? You?"

Her: "Yeah, Wednesday I guess."

Hybrid: "Cool, I'll fill you in on my PhD defense then. I got to run so see you then."

Pretty straight forward.

The thought process behind it is good, not the execution. Never give a closed option when it comes to a recreational date. What I mean by this, is, in the example, you are railroading them into a date where the only out (should they want one) for them is a very uncomfortable 'no', or an equally uncomfortable and non-committal ' ... I guess.'

Presumably, it'd might go over smoother like this:

Hybrid: "My PhD Defense? Sure, what did you want to know about it?"

Her: "How did it go?"

Hybrid: "I would love to tell you more about it. Abridged version now or maybe something more in depth over drinks sometime?"

Her: A: "I'll take the abridged version"
B: "Drinks sound great, when works for you?"
C: Another reply.

Hybrid: If A: "Abridged version."
If B: "I've got the weekend free. You?"
If C: Another reply

Her: If B: "Weekend works for me."

Hybrid: If B: "Awesome. Since we've ate at restaurant x (x being the place between the lab and the climbing), I was thinking something new. I can call/text you the details later?"

Her: "Perfect."