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2014/09/10 18:00:09
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
What was the last thing to go through the Jetseers head when he crashed into a wall?
His bike.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/09/10 19:19:37
Thought for the day: Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
30k Ultramarines: 2000 pts
Bolt Action Germans: ~1200 pts
AOS Stormcast: Just starting.
The Empire : ~60-70 models.
1500 pts
: My Salamanders painting blog 16 Infantry and 2 Vehicles done so far!
2014/09/10 19:29:17
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
A Dreadnought and a Marine are facing off to play tennis. The Marine goes for his first shot but the Dread grabs the ball. He turns to the Marine and says 'even in Death, I still serve.'
2014/09/10 21:10:03
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
Paradigm wrote: A Dreadnought and a Marine are facing off to play tennis. The Marine goes for his first shot but the Dread grabs the ball. He turns to the Marine and says 'even in Death, I still serve.'
Oh........that is......wow.
Why did the commissar cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
Voxed from Salamander 84-24020
2014/09/10 21:53:30
Subject: Re:Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"
"OK."
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/09/10 22:08:38
Games Workshop Delenda Est.
Users on ignore- 53.
If you break apart my or anyone else's posts line by line I will not read them.
2014/09/10 22:16:29
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"
"OK."
Feth you
2014/09/11 08:53:29
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
"What do you call a 40k jokes thread without a black and white space marine on a black and white bike?"
"Newborn."
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/09/11 08:54:26
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/09/11 17:27:59
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
Damn, I came here to post Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike... Oh well.
But I've got you another one! Almost as great.
Spoiler:
A Guardsman got separated from his platoon in the aftermath of a battle on the deserts of Pheor and wandered through that blasted hellscape for three days. On the verge of collapse, he was found and rescued by a Space Marine, who brought him back to the chapter's Fortress Monastery for treatment.
When the young Guardsman regained consciousness, he saw an Apothecary standing over him and asked what had happened. The Apothecary told him that he had been wandering the deserts for three days before he was rescued from the brink of death by a Battle Brother.
The Guardsman was eternally grateful and asked if there was anything he could do to repay the Chapter. The Apothecary considered his question for a moment, then suggested that the Monastery was always in need of someone to sweep the floors. The Guardsman accepted without a moment's thought.
His routine of sweeping the Fortress Monastery went on for a month until one day, he passed by a section that he was told he must never enter. He had never paid it any mind until this day when strange crashing noises began from the other side of the door. As usual, he ignored it, thinking that this was just a test of his devotion to the Emperor. However, the crashing noises continued until one day he could not restrain his curiosity any longer.
He asked the Apothecary what was behind that door, to which he responded, "I cannot tell you, for you are not of the Chapter."
"What would I have to do to become one of you?" the eager Guardsman asked.
The Apothecary considered for a moment, "well, you would need to pass all of the tests and rites of initiation, before undergoing the necessary surgeries..."
The young Guardsman had already vanished before the Apothecary had time to finish his sentence. Many years of hardship and gruelling trials passed while the necessary implants were added and eventually, the Guardsman was no longer a mere human but a Space Marine Scout. He then returned to the Apothecary, who was not surprised to see him.
"So, you are one of us now", he said, "do you still wish to know what lies beyond that door?"
Naturally, the young Scout did. He was led to the door by a Servitor who produced the keys and turned each of the ancient locks one by one. Slowly the door creaked open...
What happens next, I cannot tell you, for you are not of the Chapter.
I'm guessing it's about 400 as there are about 450 posts, about 50-75 of which are people saying ROFLMFAO, and of the remaining 375-400, some contain multiple jokes.
For example, here is one gem (cleaned up slightly) from that thread.
COMMISSAR ARTHUR: Old woman! DENNIS: Man! ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What sergeant leads that squad over there? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you "Man". DENNIS: Well, you could say "Dennis". ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called "Dennis". DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from the behind you looked-- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! ARTHUR: Well, I AM commissariat... DENNIS: Oh commissar, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the soldiers -- by hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN : Dennis, there's some lovely heretics down here. Oh how d'you do? ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, Commissar of the Astra Militarum. Who's squad is that? WOMAN : Commissar of the who? ARTHUR: The Astra Militarum. WOMAN : Who are the Astra Militarum? ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We're all Astra Militarum and I am your commissar. WOMAN : I didn't know we had a commissar. I thought we were an autonomous collective. DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self perpetuating autocracy in which the fightingg classes-- WOMAN : Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. DENNIS: That's what it's all about, if only people would listen. ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who leads that squad? WOMAN : No one leads them. ARTHUR: Then who is your sergeant? WOMAN : We don't have a sergeant. ARTHUR: What? DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist platoon. We take it in turns to act as a sort of junior officer for the week. ARTHUR: Yes. DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting. ARTHUR: Yes, I see. DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! WOMAN : Order, eh -- who does he think he is? ARTHUR: I am your commissar! WOMAN : Well, I didn't vote for you. ARTHUR: You don't vote for commissars.
WOMAN : Well, how did you become commissar then? ARTHUR: The Emperor of Mankind, [angels start singing] his arm clad in the purest shimmering gold, held aloft The Emperor's Benediction from the base of his throne signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry The Emperor's Benediction. [singing stops] That is why I am your commissar! DENNIS: Listen, strange men lying in a state of decay distributing guns is no basis for a system of military. Supreme judicial power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical throne room ceremony. ARTHUR: Be quiet! DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme judicial power just because some golden corpse threw a gun at you! ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: I mean, if I went around saying, "I was a commander just because some gilded bink had lobbed a laspistol at me" they'd put me away! ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. ARTHUR: Shut up! DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! ARTHUR: Bloody conscript! DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
The scene ends as Commissar Arther shoots Dennis in disgust.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/09/11 19:42:21
Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Orks always ride in single file to hide their strength and numbers.
Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, Gozer the Traveler, and Lord of the Sebouillia
2014/09/12 17:07:30
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
One battle Jim the guardsman's unit is wiped out except him. Jim suffers an attack of common sense (or a failed leadership check; the details are fuzzy) and bolts for the nearest cover. Unfortunately he barrels headlong into a Chaos space marine holding a plasma pistol.
"Wait don't kill me yet", says Jim: "let me show you a trick." The Chaos space marine agrees and Jim promptly pulls out a cigar. He puts it into his mouth and uses his lasgun to light it.
"Pah! That's nothing. I can do that!" - says the Chaos space marine. So Jim hands him a cigar. The marine puts it into his mouth and then puts his plasma pistol to the cigar. He pulls the trigger and promptly blows his head off. Jim swaggers off back to base to have a well deserved cheeseburger.
And that is why Lasguns are badass
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/09/12 17:07:45
2014/09/12 17:23:26
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
One day a young scout was wandering the chambers of devotion, reaffirming his devotion to the Emperor and Spiritual Liege, when he heard an almighty crash from the armoury!
Running as fast as he could with his newly modified body he reached the armoury and grabbed the newest bolter, ready to fight off whatever intruder was about. The crashing sound continued, repetitive, punctuated by roars of pain every few seconds. As he ventured deeper he pinpointed the source of the sound as coming from the Dreadnought bays. Screaming his blind rage and faith, the young scout charged in to see the armoured forms of Honourable Tiberius and Honourable Ageman engaged in some sort of ritual the young man had never seen before.
The Dreadnoughts panicked, quickly explaining that Tiberius, whose sarcophagus was bent over at the waist, had fallen and that Ageman was helping him up. They then rounded on the Scout, chasing the confused young Neophyte out of the bays. To this day the booming voice of Ageman echoes around his mind.
"If the Thunderhawk's a-rocking, don't come a knocking!"
I'm celebrating 8 years on Dakka Dakka!
I started an Instagram! Follow me at Deadshot Miniatures! DR:90+S++G+++M+B+IPw40k08#-D+++A+++/cwd363R+++T(Ot)DM+ Check out my Deathwatch story, Aftermath in the fiction section!
Credit to Castiel for banner. Thanks Cas!
2014/09/12 18:25:11
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants
The Orks are entrenched in fortifications on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.
"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss:
" They cheated boss, there was two of um!".
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2014/09/12 18:27:55
2014/09/12 21:27:18
Subject: Re:Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
What do you call a Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White bike?
A Templar?
A bad joke!
So, a Templar.
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/09/14 11:22:00
Subject: Re:Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
You... you don't really mean that, do you..? I mean... they're cute... right?
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/09/14 11:29:19
Subject: Re:Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
"That time I only loaded the cannon with powder. Next time, I will fill it with jewels and diamonds and they will cut you to shrebbons!" - Nogbad the Bad.
2014/09/14 12:11:51
Subject: Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
A guardsmen, a space marine and a inquisitor walked into a bar. The guardsmen said ouch, the space marine walked right through it and the inquisitor accused the bar of hersey and purged the planet of bars.
Megatombuscus the great
2014/09/14 16:02:03
Subject: Re:Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
How many ork boyz does it take to hit a barn door?
No one hit it yet.
Sgt. Vanden - OOC Hey, that was your doing. I didn't choose to fly in the "Dongerprise'.
"May the odds be ever in your favour"
Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:
I have no clue how Dakka's moderation work. I expect it involves throwing a lot of d100 and looking at many random tables.
FudgeDumper - It could be that you are just so uncomfortable with the idea of your chapters primarch having his way with a docile tyranid spore cyst, that you must deny they have any feelings at all.
2014/09/15 11:37:08
Subject: Re:Bring out your jokes! Bring out your jokes!
The Empire 
1500 pts
: 
4000p
