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 Howard A Treesong wrote:
then I'd check the 'unacceptable answers' for any red flags. Frankly there were a few crucial points on which I'd not go out with someone despite matching in many other ways.

Excellent way to make sure you're in agreement on what's important to you.

"I like to commit mail fraud at least once a week!"

"Pass."

"I also like to hang out in old folks home dressed as the Grim Reaper in my spare time."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't be too hasty..."

Just don't take any of it seriously. I'm not kidding. People can smell desperation across the internet.

my okcupid profile is the same as my username here, if you want to see what I mean. It's mostly facetious but it works... really well. If you remember that 99% of your competition are douchebags with bathroom shirtless selfies, you're already a leg up on the competition. I usually find one or two elements on their profile and my opening line consists of combining them into some sort of absurd joke.

For example, here's a copy paste from an opening message to a lady that responded and we had several fun dates.

"So when you say "I'll take any excuse to cook a good meal", the first situations that pop into my mind are:

just woke up: time to cook a good meal
just woke up, in an unfamiliar location: time to cook a good meal
just woke up, in an unfamiliar location, which is burning down: time to cook a good meal
just woke up, in an unfamiliar location, which is burning down, surrounded by dinosaurs: time to cook a good meal
just woke up, in an unfamiliar location, which is burning down, surrounded by dinosaurs, on the moon: time to cook a good meal
...this could continue indefinitely. "

another example

"Your profile is like what I imagine what an internal combustion engine turned into text would be like: a series of tiny literary explosions propelling the reader ever forward. (It helps that your opening line is SOOO good. Like a 9.75 on the pretentious scale. I love it)

I'm hoping you've discovered a way to combine artistic alchemy and editing excel spreadsheets into a wholly new form of entertainment. Please tell me your patent is pending and your notice of copyright intent has been filed. When's the Kickstarter for it?

If I were to sit here and comment on your profile, piece by piece, which would be amazingly entertaining, this message might come across a little sycophantic because of the sheer amount of praise that would be involved. Instead, I'll just make the point that anyone that references a Venn diagram in their profile on a dating site immediately makes them awesomererer(erer) than 99% of the rest of the population of any given demographic. Yeah, any demographic. Doesn't matter which one.

Whew, now with less ecstatic verbage... while I'm sure you've uncovered the vast majority of places in this ol' smelly city to satisfy your adventuring desires, I would love to share some of my favs. (It usually involves late night explorations around The Fan with a backpack whose contents include a bottle of wine and perhaps some sort of instruments to create some delightful and unobtrustive street art)"

wound up dating her for a couple months.

or even simple like this:
"hey there sue_babe,
I'm gonna make a terrible pun and assume that your username comes from being overly litigious. "

I'm also on Tinder and I also go out dancing at least twice per week.

Tips: If you are having fun, and you are confident in the way you carry yourself, it's infectious. People like having fun and like being around people who are having fun. (this is why we're on dakka and playing games with each other) Nothing is more awkward than someone who is being awkward attempting to awkwardly talk to you. If I see a lady who has pretty hair I go up to her and say "holy crap you have amazing hair!" because I want to compliment her hair, not merely get in her pants. Expect nothing from people, and you get to be pleasantly surprised if something does happen.

My current plan is to listen to "The Incredible Hulk" theme tune on a loop until I get over the whole notion of this online dating stuff and go back to gaming.

Crispy78 wrote:
Never done it, but my only suggestion would be to be honest about yourself, your interests etc.

If you like playing Warhammer, playing video games and watching movies, say that's what you like doing. You might find a lovely girl who likes the same. Result!

Holy moly, DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU PLAY WARHAMMER OR PUT UP PHOTOS OF YOUR BEST PAINT JOBS. That's probably about as likely to land you a date as a dick pic.

To paraphrase kronk: Don't mention Warhammer! She has to earn it!

pancakeonions wrote:

Holy moly, DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU PLAY WARHAMMER OR PUT UP PHOTOS OF YOUR BEST PAINT JOBS. That's probably about as likely to land you a date as a dick pic.

To paraphrase kronk: Don't mention Warhammer! She has to earn it!

I actually disagree with this completely.

Don't be ashamed of your hobbies if they're something you really value. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't value (or at least respect) the things you like.

 cincydooley wrote:

pancakeonions wrote:

Holy moly, DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU PLAY WARHAMMER OR PUT UP PHOTOS OF YOUR BEST PAINT JOBS. That's probably about as likely to land you a date as a dick pic.

To paraphrase kronk: Don't mention Warhammer! She has to earn it!

I actually disagree with this completely.

Don't be ashamed of your hobbies if they're something you really value. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't value (or at least respect) the things you like.

Works better then saying PS3/4 or Xbox 360/1. Also works much better if you spend little time in front of those game platforms. Also your golden if you do not play World of Warcraft either

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 NuggzTheNinja wrote:
Your results will depend on your location, especially in regards to the quality and type of women using the sites.

Quality? It feels like you are talking about burgers, not women…

We could talk about burgers too, but that's a separate thread.

 cincydooley wrote:

pancakeonions wrote:

Holy moly, DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU PLAY WARHAMMER OR PUT UP PHOTOS OF YOUR BEST PAINT JOBS. That's probably about as likely to land you a date as a dick pic.

To paraphrase kronk: Don't mention Warhammer! She has to earn it!

I actually disagree with this completely.

Don't be ashamed of your hobbies if they're something you really value. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't value (or at least respect) the things you like.

I reckon we can agree to disagree. But I have lots of hobbies and plenty of things to talk about before I mention my ... addiction.

I'm particularly passionate about my toy soldiers, but it simply never would occur to me to mention it until I knew my partner was hip to that. Not everyone I date needs to be a long term, serious relationship, but a sure fire way to end something fun quickly is to let fly word of the exciting nurgle warriors I'm painting up, or my rat-people toys, or what not. That strikes me a bit like the stereotypical person who goes on about sports/clothes/cars when it's clear their date is not into it. I don't need to go waving that big red flag first thing!

I've dated a few people for several months who never knew a thing about my toys. It was pretty clear to me they weren't "the one", but it was still lots of fun even if I knew right away they wouldn't be playing my secondary Warmachine faction against my Menoth! But pretty quickly it was apparent that my wife was totally down with my hobby. You'll know when it's OK to tell her about your "true love". But for the love of Sigmar. Don't put that gak on your dating profile... (I mean, unless you aren't really interested in dating anyone)

Some stuff can come out with time. Like kronk might say: she has to earn it!

There's nothing wrong with 40k but it's not exactly a pantydropper. In the early days of dating it's about attraction. Would you be attracted to a woman with what comes across as a creepy obsession with her doll collection?

Happily married for three years to a woman I met on Match.com, so I'll offer some advice based on what I learned. I'm assuming the online dating system is still largely unchanged from 4-5 years ago.

Get used to failure. You might find a profile that seems to perfectly match your own, and they may never respond to your messages. You might get a date with someone who you think you totally hit it off with, and then never hear from them again. People are shallow and have high and often unrealistic expectations. Too many often expect to find that mythical "spark" right away (because that's what Hollywood tells us), and will move on to the next person if they don't find it on that first date. Most people don't realize you have to earn a good relationship, and that it takes time and effort. That's not to say keep dating someone you aren't hitting it off with, but just don't expect love at first sight. It's not about "settling," but it is about finding the right person, and that isn't supposed to be easy. Just as I was giving up on dating (and accepting that I was probably just not meant to ever find someone) after trying it for two years, I found one last profile that I hadn't seen before that I sent a message to. Yep, she's my wife now.

Be honest in your profile. You don't have to say you like toy soldiers, but you can say you like boardgames. If you're not interested in having kids, say so. If you're ok with her already having kids, but don't want new ones, say so. Talk about your interests and hobbies, but make sure they are the things you regularly do and that actually define your lifestyle. Above all, avoid saying things like "I love to travel, I love live music, I love to dance, etc." Unless you are doing those things once or more a month/week, then, no, you don't "love" to do those things. I can't tell you how many shallowly written profiles I saw that always said those same things. Don't write a short novel describing yourself, but make sure you hit all the important points. Think about the kinds of things you wish you could know about someone from their profile, and put those things in your own. The advantage of online dating vs. random strangers in a bar is that you at least get to know the basics of someone and whether or not you have an actual chance at a compatible life with them.

I'll say it again: people are shallow and can and will reject you for all sorts of unknown reasons, so be ready to wonder what you did wrong or why they're not calling you back or whatever. Maybe I am a bit cynical here, as my experience may not be universal (I am certainly not what would be considered a good looking man, so that may have impacted my experiences).

pancakeonions wrote:
That strikes me a bit like the stereotypical person who goes on about sports/clothes/cars when it's clear their date is not into it.

Then don't go on and on about it. There's a difference between turning every conversation into an opportunity to talk about your gaming hobbies and saying "I like beer, football, and 40k". If a person is going to lose interest in you because they know that you play games then honestly I can't see why you'd want to have anything to do with them in the first place.

pancakeonions wrote:
Holy moly, DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU PLAY WARHAMMER OR PUT UP PHOTOS OF YOUR BEST PAINT JOBS.

I did. I mention it passingly in my profile, and in my “Hobbies” picture folder, I have one picture of me doing indoor climbing, a picture of one of my models and a picture of the “Thriller - A cruel picture” movie. If the last one does not make them flee in terror, then certainly neither should the second one .

99,99% of women that will see my profile certainly will not be interested by this, but I would not want to miss on the 0,01%. Though to be honest, I would certainly take the one that is interested in my favorite movies over the one that is interested in my models .

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

pancakeonions wrote:
Holy moly, DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU PLAY WARHAMMER OR PUT UP PHOTOS OF YOUR BEST PAINT JOBS.

I did. I mention it passingly in my profile, and in my “Hobbies” picture folder, I have one picture of me doing indoor climbing, a picture of one of my models and a picture of the “Thriller - A cruel picture” movie. If the last one does not make them flee in terror, then certainly neither should the second one .

99,99% of women that will see my profile certainly will not be interested by this, but I would not want to miss on the 0,01%. Though to be honest, I would certainly take the one that is interested in my favorite movies over the one that is interested in my models .

No offense but aren't you a virgin?

He used to be.

 Peregrine wrote:

pancakeonions wrote:
That strikes me a bit like the stereotypical person who goes on about sports/clothes/cars when it's clear their date is not into it.

Then don't go on and on about it. There's a difference between turning every conversation into an opportunity to talk about your gaming hobbies and saying "I like beer, football, and 40k". If a person is going to lose interest in you because they know that you play games then honestly I can't see why you'd want to have anything to do with them in the first place.

Ding ding ding.

Agree 100%, Peregrine.

Pretty easy to not fething talk about in incessantly. But to hide it? A) you've nothing to be ashamed of, and B) it's dishonest.

 Cheesecat wrote:
He used to be.

Like most people. Though actually for about 10 more years than the average guy .

 NuggzTheNinja wrote:

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 NuggzTheNinja wrote:
Your results will depend on your location, especially in regards to the quality and type of women using the sites.

Quality? It feels like you are talking about burgers, not women…

We could talk about burgers too, but that's a separate thread.

... there's a line here about buns perhaps.. but that is indeed/alas perhaps best left for another thread.

Crispy78 wrote:
Never done it, but my only suggestion would be to be honest about yourself, your interests etc.

If you like playing Warhammer, playing video games and watching movies, say that's what you like doing. You might find a lovely girl who likes the same. Result!

If you like playing Warhammer, playing video games and watching movies, but say on your profile you like going for walks in the park, shopping for antiques and caring for sick animals because you think it'll attract more women then you're only going to end up with someone who likes all that crap, and expects you to do it too, and you won't ever get to spend any time doing what you actually enjoy...

3rd Option: Do some self improvement.

The solution to people being bored with you because you don't have any hobbies outside of nerdy crap is not to double-down and hope to run into someone who has the same niche hobbies as you. The world is a big place, broaden your horizons a bit. No matter who you are there is bound to be at least a couple things you can enjoy that can't be done in a basement. It's easier to change your self than change the world.

 Chongara wrote:
The world is a big place, broaden your horizons a bit. No matter who you are there is bound to be at least a couple things you can enjoy that can't be done in a basement.

Is it about also enjoying things that cannot be done in a basement, or is it about stopping to enjoy things that can be? Because if you like both, why not mentioning both?

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 Chongara wrote:
The world is a big place, broaden your horizons a bit. No matter who you are there is bound to be at least a couple things you can enjoy that can't be done in a basement.

Is it about also enjoying things that cannot be done in a basement, or is it about stopping to enjoy things that can be? Because if you like both, why not mentioning both?

Because online dating is a competitive space. You're looking to gain the attention of other people, and people have limited time and energy to spend thinking about getting date. You need to stand out from the other 60 messages they got this week. That means sticking to the high points. It's fine to enjoy nerdy hobbies but they're not particular useful in the "Why you should date me" elevator pitch that is an online dating profile, at least for most the population anyway.

 Chongara wrote:

 Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl wrote:

 Chongara wrote:
The world is a big place, broaden your horizons a bit. No matter who you are there is bound to be at least a couple things you can enjoy that can't be done in a basement.

Is it about also enjoying things that cannot be done in a basement, or is it about stopping to enjoy things that can be? Because if you like both, why not mentioning both?

Because online dating is a competitive space. You're looking to gain the attention of other people, and people have limited time and energy to spend thinking about getting date. You need to stand out from the other 60 messages they got this week. That means sticking to the high points. It's fine to enjoy nerdy hobbies but they're not particular useful in the "Why you should date me" elevator pitch that is an online dating profile, at least for most the population anyway.

Ding ding ding.

Agree 100%, Chongara.

Pretty easy to completely turn someone off immediately if you stray from that "why you should date me" elevator pitch. By not mentioning it, A) you're not saying that you're ashamed of it, and B) it's more appealing to 99.9999% of your potential mates. I've dated a lot of women who LOVE shoes. Have HUGE collections. Not one of them mentioned it in their profiles, nor even hinted at it (though some of their photos did include their shoes in the shot, so maybe Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl is on to something?)

And I do admit, even though Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl is clearly a virgin (no offense intended, it's fine to be a virgin), he's got HUGE BALLS OF STEEL. Hat's off to you, my friend! And good luck.

pancakeonions wrote:
And I do admit, even though Hybrid Son Of Oxayotl is clearly a virgin

Except he isn't, not that one's virginity should ever matter at all. Your statement about him having balls of steel was fine without the pointless 'virgin' addition.

 Chongara wrote:
Because online dating is a competitive space. You're looking to gain the attention of other people, and people have limited time and energy to spend thinking about getting date. You need to stand out from the other 60 messages they got this week. That means sticking to the high points. It's fine to enjoy nerdy hobbies but they're not particular useful in the "Why you should date me" elevator pitch that is an online dating profile, at least for most the population anyway.

This is good advice if your primary goal is "get someone, anyone, to have sex with me". Which is a perfectly legitimate goal to have, as long as you're honest with yourself about what you're looking for. But some of us have more specific goals in mind and mass appeal isn't very important. I'm not going to be very interested in the kind of person who doesn't find nerdy hobbies appealing, so why do I care if I fail to attract them?


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Avatar 720 wrote:
not that one's virginity should ever matter at all.

It does matter in this context, because there's a difference between offering advice based on experience and offering theoretical advice about something you've never done.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

pancakeonions wrote:
B) it's more appealing to 99.9999% of your potential mates.

So what? 99.9999% of my potential mates are people I have no interest in dating. If a brief mention of 40k in my profile is enough to keep the clutter out of my dating pool then I'll consider that a success.

Again, I agree with Peregrine (WTF?!)

Unless you're just looking to get your dick wet (which again, is fine) be honest about the HOBBIES you enjoy. Unlike purchasing shoes, a hobby takes time to participate in, not just a credit card.

And honestly, I think you'd be surprised at how many attractive girls not only don't care if you have something nerdy about you, but can appreciate the artistic attention to detail war gaming in particular entails.

Just don't make it the only fething thing you're interested in. Diversify yourself.

I know the girl Im with right now is interested to hear about my nerdy hobbies.

It does matter in this context, because there's a difference between offering advice based on experience and offering theoretical advice about something you've never done.

So a virgin cannot have dating experience? Got it. Peregrine says that you have to have had sex to qualify to give dating experience, everyone. Time for some of us to pack up and go home.

 Peregrine wrote:

 Chongara wrote:
Because online dating is a competitive space. You're looking to gain the attention of other people, and people have limited time and energy to spend thinking about getting date. You need to stand out from the other 60 messages they got this week. That means sticking to the high points. It's fine to enjoy nerdy hobbies but they're not particular useful in the "Why you should date me" elevator pitch that is an online dating profile, at least for most the population anyway.

This is good advice if your primary goal is "get someone, anyone, to have sex with me". Which is a perfectly legitimate goal to have, as long as you're honest with yourself about what you're looking for. But some of us have more specific goals in mind and mass appeal isn't very important. I'm not going to be very interested in the kind of person who doesn't find nerdy hobbies appealing, so why do I care if I fail to attract them?

If the slice of the population you want to potentially foster relationships is limited to "Those who already/have like nerdy hobbies, and use nerdy hobbies as primary means identifying possible dates" that's pretty narrow-minded and shallow.

There are a lot of really cool people out there. People that are fun, intelligent and supportive individuals that are just plain nice to spend time with. The vast majority these people would have no idea what "Warhammer 40k" is, and a fair number might even have an initial reaction of "I dunno, that sounds kind of weird" if they googled it or saw a picture of a stranger surrounded by minis. These are initial reactions though, and after a while hanging out that "I dunno, sounds kind of weird" becomes "Oh? Really. How do you paint something that small? That's cool".

When you're making first impressions you have only a few limited moments to sparks someone's interest. If you're only willing to do that with people who are going to gravitate a set of really niche interests you're just forcing yourself into a little box. You'll have time to put forward that more nuanced and complicated picture of yourself later, that's what getting to know people is all about.

Taking a genuine interest in some things with broader appeal, and using that to have real engagement with people who share those interests does a lot to open the world up and not "Just for getting your dick wet".

What if we're expert masturbators? I bet that makes me qualified to give dating experience and know what women want! (I actually had a friend in college, both virgin and drunk, use that line on an attractive woman in my dorm. Remains to this day one of the most cringeworthy experiences I've seen)

Playful ribbing aside, if you're up for putting a wee thing into your online dating profile on your toy soldiers, go to it! I just can't imagine... That really, er, playing in your favor, that's all.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Chongara wrote:

 Peregrine wrote:

 Chongara wrote:
Because online dating is a competitive space. You're looking to gain the attention of other people, and people have limited time and energy to spend thinking about getting date. You need to stand out from the other 60 messages they got this week. That means sticking to the high points. It's fine to enjoy nerdy hobbies but they're not particular useful in the "Why you should date me" elevator pitch that is an online dating profile, at least for most the population anyway.

This is good advice if your primary goal is "get someone, anyone, to have sex with me". Which is a perfectly legitimate goal to have, as long as you're honest with yourself about what you're looking for. But some of us have more specific goals in mind and mass appeal isn't very important. I'm not going to be very interested in the kind of person who doesn't find nerdy hobbies appealing, so why do I care if I fail to attract them?

If the slice of the population you want to potentially foster relationships is limited to "Those who already/have like nerdy hobbies, and use nerdy hobbies as primary means identifying possible dates" that's pretty narrow-minded and shallow.

There are a lot of really cool people out there. People that are fun, intelligent and supportive individuals that are just plain nice to spend time with. The vast majority these people would have no idea what "Warhammer 40k" is, and a fair number might even have an initial reaction of "I dunno, that sounds kind of weird" if they googled it or saw a picture of a stranger surrounded by minis. These are initial reactions though, and after a while hanging out that "I dunno, sounds kind of weird" becomes "Oh? Really. How do you paint something that small? That's cool".

When you're making first impressions you have only a few limited moments to sparks someone's interest. If you're only willing to do that with people who are going to gravitate a set of really niche interests you're just forcing yourself into this a little box. You'll have time to put forward that more nuanced and complicated picture of yourself later, that's what getting to know people is all about.

Taking a genuine interest in some things with broader appeal, and using that to have real engagement with people who share those interests does a lot to open the world up and not "Just for getting your dick wet".

I think I'm just gonna have to hire Chongara to do all my posting and dating advice from now on. That's pretty much exactly what was going on in my head, but instead I blathered on about masturbating.

My wife is exactly one of those amazing people who would have seen my toy soldiers and gone "huh. no thanks", but now that she knows me, and has that context, she's totally cool with it.

As was said above, and could be said about many things, save it for later. Let her earn it once she gets to know you.

 Avatar 720 wrote:

It does matter in this context, because there's a difference between offering advice based on experience and offering theoretical advice about something you've never done.

So a virgin cannot have dating experience? Got it. Peregrine says that you have to have had sex to qualify to give dating experience, everyone. Time for some of us to pack up and go home.

Everyone is entitled to express his or her opinion. But you have to consider the source...

Whose advice on weight training would you trust more, some guy who went to Planet Fitness once? Or a competitive powerlifter?

 Chongara wrote:
If the slice of the population you want to potentially foster relationships is limited to "Those who already/have like nerdy hobbies, and use nerdy hobbies as primary means identifying possible dates" that's pretty narrow-minded and shallow.

Knowing what you like and wanting to save your time and energy for people that have long-term potential is hardly "narrow-minded and shallow". And it's certainly less narrow-minded and shallow than the kind of person that rejects someone just because they briefly mentioned a hobby.

Also, that's not really the slice of the population. The actual slice is the "people who like nerdy stuff" group and "people who don't care about nerdy stuff but don't have strong negative reactions to it either". And that's a much larger group.

There are a lot of really cool people out there. People that are fun, intelligent and supportive individuals that are just plain nice to spend time with. The vast majority these people would have no idea what "Warhammer 40k" is, and a fair number might even have an initial reaction of "I dunno, that sounds kind of weird" if they googled it or saw a picture of a stranger surrounded by minis.

And that's your preference to see those people as potential matches. That's fine if you don't put much value on having common interests, but it's not the only legitimate way to do things. I happen to put a high priority on having at least a general overlap on "nerdy hobbies", and the "fun, intelligent and supportive" people who don't have that overlap are in the "you're a nice person, but I'm not interested in dating you" group. And it's incredibly unlikely that someone who instantly dismisses me as a possible date over mentioning a hobby was ever going to be someone I'd be interested in long-term even if I hadn't mentioned whatever scared them off.

When you're making first impressions you have only a few limited moments to sparks someone's interest.

Well yes, which is why mentioning something like 40k is good. It sets you apart from all of the other potential dates the other person might have available, instead of wasting your limited moments of "first impression" time on listing a bunch of bland TV shows or whatever.

If you're only willing to do that with people who are going to gravitate a set of really niche interests you're just forcing yourself into a little box.

It's hardly a "niche interest" when you consider "nerdy hobbies" in general and not just 40k. Someone who likes science fiction/roleplaying/etc is at least going to recognize that you're both the kind of person who would be interested in stuff like 40k, even if they don't share that particular activity. And that's a pretty large group of people.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Avatar 720 wrote:
So a virgin cannot have dating experience? Got it. Peregrine says that you have to have had sex to qualify to give dating experience, everyone. Time for some of us to pack up and go home.

No, of course it's not that black and white. But dating threads on gaming forums often have people with no real success or experience with dating giving out advice that is unconventional at best. So the difference between "this is what I've learned from experience" and "these are my theories about how things should work, but I've never tried any of it" is a relevant one. And let's be honest, unless it's for religious reasons (or something similar), being a virgin at 25+ years old is probably a sign that whatever dating method you've been using isn't very effective.