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 MDSW wrote:
I saw a banner hanging outside a Taco joint that made me crack up...

"In queso emergency, call us for an order to go!"

While not a "joke" per se regarding the thread I got a genuine chuckle out of the local brake service shop putting up the following sign last October:

"TRY OUR PUMPKIN SPICE BRAKES"

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

This just reminds me of all the funny church billboards you can find on the internet... Which I probably can't repeat cause no religion? Just google it. There's some really funny ones and some really brilliant ones too. My personal favorite involves questioning why someone didn't swat a pair of mosquitos and save us all the trouble

 LordofHats wrote:
This just reminds me of all the funny church billboards you can find on the internet... Which I probably can't repeat cause no religion? Just google it. There's some really funny ones and some really brilliant ones too. My personal favorite involves questioning why someone didn't swat a pair of mosquitos and save us all the trouble

That reminds me of a funny commercial. I don't even remember what they were advertising, but it showed Noah loading all the animals onto the ark, and when he closed the door he turned around and slapped a mosquito. Then he looked and saw another mosquito flying alone in a glass jar, and it ended with a shot of Noah going back out in the rain to find another mosquito.

Ork-en Man wrote:
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

Spoiler:

Rhesus Pieces

Owwww......

Why do quaking aspens always become pirates?

Because they shiver their timbers!

From: my brain

Sorry

 amazingturtles wrote:
Why do quaking aspens always become pirates?

Because they shiver their timbers!

From: my brain

Sorry

Nah. It's perfect for a book of dad jokes

Ok - two from my sister:

Whats the best cheese to hide a horse with - mascarpone (mask a pony)

there was a explosion at a cheese factory in france - all that was left was de brie

Dont know what the obsession with cheese is - but there are more where they came from

A man went to the zoo. The only animal there was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

Read this one aloud to get the joke.


What's the square root of 69? 8 something.




Why don't cowboys get circumcised? So the have some place to keep their Skoal when they're eating lunch.

Is this a good place to post the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?

how do you get pikachu on a bus.....

POKE Him on


DONT JUDGE ME !!!!! hahaha

So, a group of blondes were gathered around celebrating, and I wanted to see why. When I got close, they were all jumping for joy holding up a child's puzzle of Cookie Monster and shouting "60 days!" over and over. I went over to ask why they were so overjoyed, and they told me "We finished that puzzle in just 60 days! The box it came in said 2-3 years!"

 Mattlov wrote:
A man went to the zoo. The only animal there was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

OMG that's funny!

A swiss, an arab, an french and a american are in a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".

The american takes billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"

Then the french drops cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"

The arab drop gallon of oil and says : "We got too much of this"

and the swiss was embarassed, he thought a lot, then he took the french guy and drops him through the windows and says : "We got enough of them"

This is a timeless classic.
The french is replacable by german or italian.

Did we mention that we are sometimes dicks to our relatives?

Lets try fresh and forum topical


Two space marines walked into a bar......




Automatically Appended Next Post:
How many Dark Eldar does it take to screw in a light bulb.

Not Online!!! wrote:

A swiss, an arab, an french and a american are in a plane.

Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".

The american takes billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"

Then the french drops cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"

The arab drop gallon of oil and says : "We got too much of this"

and the swiss was embarassed, he thought a lot, then he took the french guy and drops him through the windows and says : "We got enough of them"

This is a timeless classic.
The french is replacable by german or italian.

Did we mention that we are sometimes dicks to our relatives?

The American version I learned in elementary school was more or less the following:

A passenger plane is flying over the Atlantic. One of the four engines quits, but the pilots come on the speaker and say "Don't worry folks, we've got three engines, we're fine."

An hour later another engine dies. The pilots are forced to jettison some luggage but are otherwise okay, and once again announce "Don't worry folks, we've got two engines, we'll be late but we can still make it."

Shortly after, a third engine dies. Now the plane is in a dire situation. The pilots come on the speaker "Folks, we're down to one engine and we're not going to make it if we don't lose some weight. We've ditched all the cargo, so we need four adults to willingly jump from the plane. We're a commercial plane so we don't have any parachutes."

The mood in the cabin is sombre. Eventually a Frenchman stands up, walks to the emergency exit. "Vive la France." and he leaps out of the plane to this death. Moments later an Englishman stands up, walks calmly to the door. "Long live the Queen." and he hurls himself out. A Russian stands up and walks to the door. "For Mother Russia!". He leaps to his death.

Finally an American stands up, walks up to the door. "Remember the Alamo!" He grabs the nearest Mexican and throws him out the door.

 Elbows wrote:
The American version I learned in elementary school was more or less the following:

I guess every country or area has their own. ;-)

The Nordic version has a Dane, a Finn, a Norwegian and a Swede in a hot air balloon. The gas burner develops a problem they can't fix and it's clear they'll crash unless they lose one person - with three the balloon should be able to reach a safe landing. After looking at each other for a while the other three grab the Swede and throw him out while shouting "long live Nordic cooperation".

But let's try something lighter. A soccer mom, an accountant and a lawyer were all asked for the answer to 2+2. The soccer mom, after thinking a moment, said "four". The accountant shifted a bit, said "It could be three or four, I'll have to go through the books to be sure". The lawyer stood up, closed the window, then whispered "how much do you want it to be?"...

How many Daemons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, let darkness reign.

--------------------------------------------------------

Three guys out hunting bag a deer. While they're debating how to distribute it, guy 1 says "I'm a Hartlepool United fan, so I'll take the heart."

Guy 2 chimes in with "I support Liverpool, so I'll take the liver."

Guy 3 says "I'm an Arsenal fan..."

--------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Soviet are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve.

The Englishman says "clearly they are English; look how politely Adam offers Eve the apple."

The Frenchman says "clearly they are French; they are naked and passionate."

The Soviet says "clearly they are Soviet; they have no clothes and only an apple to eat, yet they think they're in paradise."

Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America?

Because Freedom Rings!

[img]

 LordofHats wrote:
My personal favorite involves questioning why someone didn't swat a pair of mosquitos and save us all the trouble

They're clean animals, so they'd have had to swat fourteen. Probably couldn't be bothered with the effort.

What do you call two condoms, sitting in a bar?

Mates.

Finally an American stands up, walks up to the door. "Remember the Alamo!" He grabs the nearest Mexican and throws him out the door.

Cruel
There are some more along these lines regarding germans here but they are hard on the border of tellable.


Automatically Appended Next Post:

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Soviet are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve.

The Englishman says "clearly they are English; look how politely Adam offers Eve the apple."

The Frenchman says "clearly they are French; they are naked and passionate."

The Soviet says "clearly they are Soviet; they have no clothes and only an apple to eat, yet they think they're in paradise."

Shouldn't he have reffered to ukrainians?

I can't take credit for this one, but I think it's hilarious! Here goes:

A woman promised to be home to her husband by midnight after attending an office party. However, she had a few too many drinks and ended up not getting home until 3AM. As she stumbled in the door, she heard the cuckoo clock chime 3 times. Thinking quickly, she imitated the cuckoo clock sound 9 more times to fool her husband into thinking she got home at midnight.

The next morning, the woman's husband asked what time she got home the previous night. She answered, "Midnight", and the husband accepted it.

But then, he told her, "Honey, we need a new cuckoo clock." When the wife asked, "Why?" the husband replied, "Well, last night at midnight the clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'Oh gak', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, fell over the coffee table and farted."

The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

 AndrewGPaul wrote:
The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

This joke is predicated on a Little Rich Jew stereotype. Is that ok...?

Well, I got it from a jewish news site, so probably. In any case, the jewishness of the third person is irrelevant ( hadn't actually noticed until you replied); that just happened to be the first one that turned up in a Goiogle search in an easily-quoted form. It's actually the first time I've seen it refer to jews.

One I like that's actually clean enough to post...

An Australian farmer and a Welsh farmer are talking. The Australian farmer brags "You know, mate - it takes me *all day* to drive around my farm..."
The Welsh farmer replies "Yeah, I used to have a tractor like that..."

 AndrewGPaul wrote:
The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."

I know this one, but with a french a german and a swiss.

 AndrewGPaul wrote:
Well, I got it from a jewish news site, so probably. In any case, the jewishness of the third person is irrelevant ( hadn't actually noticed until you replied); that just happened to be the first one that turned up in a Goiogle search in an easily-quoted form. It's actually the first time I've seen it refer to jews.

And not to go off topic...but that's kind of the entire point of jokes. You're poking fun at something. No one is special enough to not be made fun of.