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Alright, I'm suffering from the fact that I have accumulated hundreds of jokes in my brain over the years.

And I'm more than happy to share them. The issue is, they are all "Dad Jokes."

When I start to tell one, my audience looks either afraid or has the same facial expression of someone who is looking for an excuse to leave, but can't come up with anything believable in such a small window of time.

So, dear Dakka-ites, I need some new material that I can say over a gaming table that won't illicit groans but is still decent enough taste that I won't get the evil eye from the Counter Crones.

I was walking through the graveyard yesterday, and I saw a man just getting up from beside a headstone. Morning, I said. No, I was just having a poo, he said.

I went to the Doctor, and he told me I’m a hypochondriac. Oh no, not that as well I said.

I asked in a bookshop if they had any books on Turtles. Hardback, they said. Yes, with tiny little heads I replied.

Did you hear about the midget that talks to spirits and recently escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.

“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."

And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

― Norm Macdonald

My favourite at the moment is one of Gary Delaney's:

The bit of Nando's between the front door and the back door is the peri-peri-neum

Yoko?

Oh no.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave at her.

An old grandma was talking to her pregnant niece. She said, "you've heard about how the stork brings babies right? Well, have you heard about the one that prevents them?"

The niece responds that she had not. To which the grandma said, "yeah, it's the swallow"

8 year old girl came up to me at the library ready to check out the book "What Every Young Mother Should Expect".
I asked her if she was sure she wanted to check out that book?
She said yes because she was starting a moth collection.

The earth is flat. Just think about it. The earth is 70% water, right? And it's not carbonated, so it's flat.

 Lathe Biosas wrote:
The earth is flat. Just think about it. The earth is 70% water, right? And it's not carbonated, so it's flat.

Heh.

If the world was flat cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

 Nevelon wrote:

 Lathe Biosas wrote:
The earth is flat. Just think about it. The earth is 70% water, right? And it's not carbonated, so it's flat.

Heh.

If the world was flat cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now.

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. I'm sure he'll come around...

If you are so confused, maybe you can conseparate it,

Have yall seen the price of oxtail and cow tongue lately? its hard to make ends meat

This is my go-to, "preacher joke" that is both actually funny and in good taste.

A man goes skydiving, and pulls his ripcord.

Nothing happens.

Alarmed, he pulls the back up.

Nothing happens.

Panicking, as he plummets toward the ground he's surprised to see another man shooting up to meet him, blackened and burnt up. The first man shouts "hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The second man shakes his head, "No. Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

So i found out im having twins
They are girls.
One is Kate, the other is Duplikate.

Polo and TicTac were sitting in a bar.

"I'm the toughest mint there is," said Polo. In fact, he wouldn't shut up about how tough he was. TicTac was quite impressed. Polo bragged about how no other mintes would mess with him, and he'd bash in the face of anymint who tried to intimdate him or the other patrons of the bar.

Just then, Trebor Extra Strong Mint walked. "Gimme a beer!" he shouted. He quaffed the beer, spilling much of it, then threw the glass on the floor, smashing it. "Gimme another," he shouted, grabbing the barmint by the collar. He quaffed and smashed again before punching Smint, who was quietly enjoying a drink. Once he poured himself another beer, quaffing and smashing again, he stormed out. Polo watched all of this without moving from his seat.

"I thought you said you're the toughest mint in the world?" asked Tic Tac, obviously disappointed in his hero, Polo. "Why didn't you do anything? He just bashed up Smint really badly!"

"I ain't messin' with him!" exclaimed Polo, "He's bleedin' menthol!"


Automatically Appended Next Post:
This might only make sense to UK folks

Red Tarmac and Green Tarmac were sitting in a bar.

"I'm the toughest tarmac there is," said Red Tarmac. In fact, he wouldn't shut up about how tough he was. Black Tarmac was quite impressed. Red Tarmac bragged about how no other tarmacs would mess with him, and he'd bash in the face of anytarmac who tried to intimdate him or the other patrons of the bar.

Just then, Green Tarmac walked. "Gimme a beer!" he shouted. He quaffed the beer, spilling much of it, then threw the glass on the floor, smashing it. "Gimme another," he shouted, grabbing the bartarmac by the collar. He quaffed and smashed again before punching a concrete who was quietly enjoying a drink. Once he poured himself another beer, quaffing and smashing again, he stormed out. Red Tarmac watched all of this without moving from his seat.

"I thought you said you're the toughest mint in the world?" asked Black Tarmac, obviously disappointed in his hero, Red Tarmac. "Why didn't you do anything? Green Tarmac just bashed up that concrete really badly!"

"I ain't messin' with him!" exclaimed Red Tarmac, "He's a bleedin' cyclepath!"


Automatically Appended Next Post:
"What is "ET" short for?"

"I don't know, what is ET short for?"

"Because if he was any taller, he'd bash his head on the ceiling of his spaceship."

Heard this the other day. Warning: It sounds racist, (well, it kinda is, but not what you think)

An Englishman, and Welshman, and a Pakistani walk into a maternity ward ready to pick up their newborn sons. A Doctor stops them in the hall and says, "Sirs, there's been a terrible mistake. We've mixed up the paperwork and legally can not tell which baby belongs to which family."

Well, the only plan they have is to draw straws and choose a baby. The Englishman wins, walks into the room, and comes out carrying a brown baby. The Pakistani father steps up and says, "Sir, I'm no expert, but that baby is brown, and obviously not yours". The Englishman states, "Yeah, well one of those other two are Welsh, and I damn well can't have one of those in my home now can I ?"

"What is "ET" short for?"

"I don't know, what is ET short for?"

"Little legs."

A Dog goes into a pub, and orders a pint.

The Barman tells him he’s amazing, and should join the Circus.

The Dog asks why, do they need an Accountant?

Thanks.

It's much better than these four horrible math-related groaners:

1. Where do Mathematicians live?

In Subdivisions.

2. Why did the Home Owner hire a Mathematician?

He needed help putting an Addition onto his house.

3. Why can't you trust people with graph paper?

They're always plotting something.

4. Did you hear about the Mathematician with Constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

I went to school with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. They’d always steal my lunch money. They said the change did them good.

What's Irish and hangs out on your back porch all night?

Patti O'Furniture


Automatically Appended Next Post:
I saw this for sale today...



Why wouldn't I just use a mirror?

A stoner, a Jedi, and a paramedic walk into a bar.

Blunt Force Trauma.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

I heard it was in tents! (Intense)

Scientists have discovered how to manufacture vocal cords.

The results speak for themselves.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit go to donate blood. The phlebotomist asks the rabbit what kind of blood he has, to which he replies, "I think I'm a type-O." (I probably butchered that joke)