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In the real world people send off letters filled with personal problems and information to strangers thinking for some reason these strangers will have a better idea what they should do.  So it's only logical that in the 40k universe people would write in to their omnipotent and omniscient leader for advice.  Sitting on his Solid Gold Chair all day the Space Emporer probably has a lot of time to answer these letters.

This is a simple game, the person before you will post an advice column-type question.  Then post a reply in the voice of the Space Emporer and leave a question for the next poster.

I.E.

Dear the Space Emporer

My wife and I have a long-standing solid relationship and we've nver been unfaithful but recently a co-worker has been coming on to me.  I like her a lot and we have a lot in common, next month we're both going out of town for a business trip.  My wife will never know.  Should I go for it? - Anxious in Alpha Centari

What is this secrecy you speak of?  Do you truely plan to hide this from your wife, you should shout if from the rooftops!  You should drag her in to see your conquest, glory in it, exhault in it, are you not a man!?

Dear the Space Emperor

What is an appropriate tip for a barber? - Hair Today

Dear the Space Emperor

What is an appropriate tip for a barber? - Hair Today

The tip of my sword! What business do you have cutting hair when there are worlds to explore?

Dear the Space Emperor,

Why can't we give peace a chance?

Dear the Space Emperor,

Why can't we give peace a chance? - Felix

The reasons are manifold. First, eternal war is good for the economy; people work to make bullets, people use those bullets, people need more bullets. It also gives a widely disparate empire a common goal to strive for.

Second, talking is the same as surrender. A real man doesn't talk, he acts. Like this one time me and Rogal Dorn were having a sleepover, and in the middle of the night, there was no talking. I just acted. Dear Space Penthouse...

Third, the day I have a sit-down with a pansy elf, magic mushroom, or commie frog is the day I put a bolt shell in my head.

Fourth, why are you even asking this? The Truth Squad must be slipping.

Dear the Space Emperor,

Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight, while hot dog buns come in packages of ten? - Hollow Weiner

Dear the Space Emperor,

Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight, while hot dog buns come in packages of ten? - Hollow Weiner

Ho-ho-ho truely you have asked me a riddle for the ages, why you may as well ask why there are 20 primarchs but only records of 18. In fact that is the answer to your problem. After RECORD DELETED I ordered that two hot dogs in every pack be sacrificed in memory of the RECORD DELETED of the RECORD DELETED. And now one of the ultimate mysteries of universe has been reviled. The inqisitors will be along shortly.

Dear the Space Emporer
Is there any way to get a tooth paste stain out of a silk tie? - Pasted in Polaris

Dear the Space Emporer
Is there any way to get a tooth paste stain out of a silk tie? - Pasted in Polaris


Hrmph. As if I can't use my psychic powers to see that your "silk tie" is really just a euphemism for
the geneseed of the Space Marines! So to answer your question...no. You wait for death and
then an Apothecary comes and extracts that thing to inject into another nubile young man.


Dear the Space Emporer,
What REALLY happened that made you so mad with Whorus?

Dear the Space Emporer,
What REALLY happened that made you so mad with Whorus?

Dear derflaM,
You of all my mindless minions should know the truth of what happened and it's that the Warmaster Whorus turned his back on his dear sweet space sugar daddy and cheated on me with not one, but all four of the ruinous powers, the dirty disloyal slut. It has come to my attention that you know something of this. So we will do to you as we did to Whorus those many years ago and give you enduring agony with death by ooga booga while banishing your legions to the Red Eye of Terror.
~You unloving Space Emperor

Dear Mighty Space Emporer,
What is the dark secret of the robe wearing Adeptus Astartes, the Dark Angels? And are they related to Jessica Alba?

Dear Mighty Space Emporer,
What is the dark secret of the robe wearing Adeptus Astartes, the Dark Angels? And are they related to Jessica Alba?

Funny you should ask.  Obviously it's not the dresses, since we all know about that.  Or the feathers, or the midgets or half the chapter going over to chaos, or the naked water polo, since we know about those too.  None of those are the dark secret.

This one time I asked old Lion-O what was up with that secret and he was all 'I have it locked in a vault' and I was all like 'can I see' and he was all 'later' but then he went and got killed by Lex Luthor and now we'l never know.

I think he's got Alba locked up in there.

Dear the Space Emperer

Y U close the forums, they R good forums and I lik then!

-Irate in the eye of terror

Dear the Space Emperer

Y U close the forums, they R good forums and I lik then!

-Irate in the eye of terror

Dear Mote in Teh Eye,

While we understand that giving our valued customers a place to smear with their feces whilst they dribble uncontrollably is important to you, please realize that bandwidth isn't cheap, and we can use that money to further provide...no, I can't lie.  We are all getting our desk chairs upholstered with mink with the money we are saving by getting rid of your cat-befouled sand box.  There are already many forums that provide the service that we did.  A few are listed here:

www.warseer.com This is spiritual sucessor of the now defunct Portent forum, i.e., its British. In a good way.  A good source of information with a few GW insiders.  One caveat: The first rule of Hofflenosh, is that you do not talk about Hofflenosh.

www.bolterandchainsword.com With design that looks like it started life as an angelfire site, or a white supremacist board, Bolter & Chainsword is all about the Marines.  If you ever want to feel like the only Marine in Fallujah, start a topic that inpugns the Adeptus Astartes in any way.  Current topics include whether the Space Marines have sexual organs, and how old they are when they start training.  Take from that what you will...

www.dakkadakka.com Good old DakkaDakka.  Currently in a fourth or fifth renaissance, DakkaDakka is thought of as one of the best for rules and tactics.  This is often interpreted as being a haven for powergamers, and while this is true at times, you can usually pick a nugget of gold out of the dross.  It is lacking a bit in the rumor department and all round feel compared to the 'good old days', it's still worth a look.

In closing, we appreciate your continued support and hope to be able to provide you with some of the best and most playtested rules in the industry.

Sincerely,

Emperor O. Mankind, CEO of Games Workshop

Dear the Emperor,

My friend Steve says that you can't be from Anatolia because that would make you a Turk and even a schoolboy knows that the Turks have no psychic powers.  What gives?

-I. Stan Bull (Not Constantinople)

 

Dear the Emperor,

My friend Steve says that you can't be from Anatolia because that would make you a Turk and even a schoolboy knows that the Turks have no psychic powers. What gives?

-I. Stan Bull (Not Constantinople)


That were those schoolboys I usually beat up with my brothers. I brought mankind the technology of the BMW. And they bow down and recognized my glory. Of course turks have special psychic powers. We use them to force our women walking behind us and carry our bags. That is the reason why there are no female Primarchs they would walk instantly behind me an carry my bags. I won't have conquered the whole universe with them. And we all know women can't drive properly a BMW.
Turks have also the mighty power to build a snack bar by the power of their will. And their mighty psychic enable them to fight with the mighty kebab swords. That is why my kebab sword is always on fire it fries the meat while cutting. The last power is kinda like the hive mind. You can call instantly your brothers if someone looks at you in a way you don't like or just looks at you. Those are the basic psychic powers of a trukish man.

Dear Space Emporer
Are you playing World of Warhammer? My Guild the 18 Pr1m4rch5 0f d00m still are in search for a l34d3r that r0ckz0rz.
Bobo (12)

Dear Space Emporer
Are you playing World of Warhammer? My Guild the 18 Pr1m4rch5 0f d00m still are in search for a l34d3r that r0ckz0rz.
Bobo (12)

I've been playing WoW as a LARP for the last 40,000 years. My guild, THE SPACE EMPIRE has more than 1 million space marine members and 1 gazillion guardsmen. Plus some guy with these battle nuns, I think he's lame or something. Let me know if you're up for some PvP action.

Dear The Space Emperor
Today is election day, who do you endorse?
Voter on Vega

Dear The Space Emperor
Today is election day, who do you endorse?
Voter on Vega

dear citizen,
since you live in a imperial dictatorship, with me the space emporer, as your one and only leader and god, you shouldn't even think about such acts of blasphamy like elections or even free speech. for your sins against me, I will send my special squad of dress wearing Inquisitors who will clean your mind of such foolish things.


dear the space emporer,
if you're really that great, then get out of your stupid chair and meet me at school yard after lunch break.
the local bully

oh my gork! I killed the thread.
no seriously, I was kinda bored when I wrote this. If you like ignore it and answer Kyotos last question

Dear The Space Emperor
Today is election day, who do you endorse?
Voter on Vega

Dear Voter on Vega,
Zod
(He is a libertarian)

Dear The Space Emperor
What is the reason why people want to become a proctologist?
Anal Retentive

Local Bully,

Don't you remember? I was that doctor 17 years in the past who
touched you in a way that no doctor ever touched a bully, and you're
only remembering it now from my psychic touch.

Tremble before my power.

Dear the Space Emperor,

What's a good movie to see tonight?

What's a good movie to see tonight?

Sitting here in my golden throne I, the Space Emperor of Space have a lot of time to watch TV.  I recommend Borat because it shows how foreign people are strange and funny and not the same as normal people.

I also recommend Ice Age 2, it's so cute (x2) ^_^!

Your Pal

T.S. Emperor

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

My son Jimmy was always a "sensitive" and "efeminite" boy with "flamboyant" tastes if you know what I mean.  He always wanted to be a hair dresser or a theatrical lighting director or decorator.  however lately he's been seeing the Space Marine Strong ads on the vid and says he wants to join the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps).  While I admire his Space Patriotism I worry that he won't fit in with the typical marine and may find himself isolated if he joins.  should I let him?

Anxious in Andromeda

 

Dear the Space Emperor of Space

My son Jimmy was always a "sensitive" and "efeminite" boy with "flamboyant" tastes if you know what I mean.  He always wanted to be a hair dresser or a theatrical lighting director or decorator.  however lately he's been seeing the Space Marine Strong ads on the vid and says he wants to join the USMC (Ultramar Space Marine Corps).  While I admire his Space Patriotism I worry that he won't fit in with the typical marine and may find himself isolated if he joins.  should I let him?

Anxious in Andromeda

 Dear Anxious

I wouldn't worry about your son, he sounds like a perfect candidate for the Corps.  You see, the USMC is different from the USMC of the past.  Whereas a Marine from 10,000 years ago may have been able to successfully defeat an enemy, the Marines of today will be able to take a more objective view, to weigh all the options before commiting to a embarassing stalemate, and by that time he probably is being carried out as a casualty.  But fear not!  Our medical staff are experienced in cybernetics so your meat popsicle will be shipped back to the front in no time.  Tis better to be shattered in body, than to admit that we messed up.

And he could totally buy a Hyundai with that bonus money.

In closing, we look forward to hearing from your child.  We assure you, he will be in good hands.

T. Space Emporer

Dear L'Empereur D'epace

I love to eat cheetos, but all the schmutz gets onto my fingers and all over my clothes.  What do I do?

Cheezus H. Rice  

Dear L'Empereur D'epace

I love to eat cheetos, but all the schmutz gets onto my fingers and all over my clothes. What do I do?

Cheezus H. Rice

Dear Cheezus H. Rice,

Simple Minds beget simple questions. In order to enjoy your "cheeto" without the mess, insert said "cheeto" completely into your mouth. But your mouth should always be full, praising your Emperor for all he does. Your love for cheetos competes with your devotion to me, choose now, and let your soul follow the path of the righteous, rather than the heretical path of the cheeto.

Your master for eternity,
Teh Space Emperor.

Dear Emperor,
I have finals this week, but I spent all weekend protecting your name playing DoW: DC. Is this acceptable behavior, or should studying come first?
-Looking for the answers

Looking for the answers,
Lo, it was said by thine Emperor of Much Room that videogaming is and always shalt be thine saviour. continue to honour my name and thine finals are inneth the bag.

Lovingly,
Emperor of

Dear Space Emperor,

Is there a Space Empress?

Longingly,
dingledangle

Dear Space Emperor,

Is there a Space Empress?

Longingly,
dingledangle

Dear Dingledangle:

Not to brag but I've always been a bit of a lady's man, whether you're talking that magical night with Jayne Zarr and her sister Sallii, or that one sweaty night when I made Johnson my Space Emperess... well anyway there's about 1 gazillion (x2) battle sisters out there and let's just say they don't call themselves the brides of the Space Emperor for nuttin.

Thanks for asking

The T man

Dear General McSpaceEmperor

I support our troops in the war on chaos so I'm very upset to learn that many brave guardsmen are going into battle with substandard equipment.  I hear that many troops are equiped with flak armor and las guns, equipment that dates back to 30,000 AD.  Now that equipment offers no protection from today's AP5 weapons and can barely penetrate 3+ armor.  What can we do to ensure our troops get the equipment they need to accomplish their mission?  I put a magnet on my SUV but I'm not sure that's enough.

Soccer Mom on Sigma Major

Dear General McSpaceEmperor

I support our troops in the war on chaos so I'm very upset to learn that many brave guardsmen are going into battle with substandard equipment.  I hear that many troops are equiped with flak armor and las guns, equipment that dates back to 30,000 AD.  Now that equipment offers no protection from today's AP5 weapons and can barely penetrate 3+ armor.  What can we do to ensure our troops get the equipment they need to accomplish their mission?  I put a magnet on my SUV but I'm not sure that's enough.

Soccer Mom on Sigma Major

Dear Soccer Mom,

I have been informed by Avram Boole, Fabricator General of the Adeptus Mechanicus that a multitude of cost analysis studies have been done in conjunction with the office of Departmento Munitorum head Valkrys Feld on the Guard Strong initiative that will eventually implement many improvements for the warfighter of the 41st millenium, including sturdier footwear, delousing powder that actually works, and bolt shell proof Uplifting Primers. 

We expect to begin implentation of these improvements in the next fiscal year.  Until then, know that our brave guardsmen are shielded by your token gesture, and will continue to die in droves for the greater glory of the Imperium.  Your Imperium.

Victory at all Costs,

Emperor O. Mankind

Dear Space Emperor,

My daddy says that you are a god, but i say that gods wouldn't need to eat thousands of witches every day to survive like you do.

So, are you?

Questioning Quincy

Questioning Quincy,
Question not my godliness, but question the worth of your existance. Of course I am a god. If you sat on a throne as long as I have, your head chef would've run out of dinner ideas a long time ago just as mine did. That, coupled with the fact that I am now beginning an animal friendly life, I am abstaining from beef, chicken and pork. Besides, witches taste like chicken anyway. Now, fear not the appetite of the emperor, but the appetite of the chaotic forces willing to eat thousands of doubter like yourself everyday.

the space emperor.

Dear space emperor,
Why is the sky blue? and the grass green?
Colorfully Inquisitive.

Dear space emperor,
Why is the sky blue? and the grass green?
Colorfully Inquisitive.

olorfully Inquisitive,

You are obviously looking into the warp. Ever image I've ever seen of the earth and
its climate indicates shades of gray dominated by extreme dark shadows
and fuzzy lines.

That might just be a Blanche, thing, though.

And for impersonating an Inquisitor, I sentence you to sit upon my
throne.


Dear the Space Emperor,
What is the Space Wolf Primarch, Russ, up to at this very moment?

Hugs and Kisses and Heavy Petting,
Feral Furry

Feral Furry

Russ sits at might right foot, scrunching on a Xenos bone as we sit infront of a nice warm fire. Fear not yon heavy petter, for he shall return...

Fuzzily,
yon olde Space Imperatore

Dear Space Emperor,

this question has been plaguing me for millenia, tens of millenia... Who shot JR Ewing?

Sue Ellen

Dear Space Emperor,

this question has been plaguing me for millenia, tens of millenia... Who shot JR Ewing?

Sue Ellen

Dear Sue,

Well since I am omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent you could say that all that transpires is in accordance with my Emperor Plan.

Except for that whole Horus Heresy thing, geeze I never saw that coming.

Your Pal
TS Emperor

Dear The Space Emperor
Soon the blessed season of Kwanza will be upon us, an ancient festival steeped in traditions dating back to M2Y966, during this the most holy time of the Space Year do you have any words for us and for the troops in the War on Chaos?

Celebratory on Cadia

Dear Celebratory in Cadia,

If I've used these words once, I've used them a thousand times... Stay the course.

Yours Everlastingly,

THE EMPEROR OF SPACE

Dear Space Imperator,

I tried asking a mirror, but looked like a goon. SO now i beseech you, just who is the fairest of them all?

Snow White

Snow White, Snow White, I'll throw you a bone,
If only you sit upon my golden throne.

Better than any talking mirror,
The Emperor Himself.

Dear Chief Emperor,

What do you propose your Empire of Man should do about those whipper
snapper Tau? Can anything be done?

Love,
Human Power.

Dear Chief Emperor,

What do you propose your Empire of Man should do about those whipper
snapper Tau? Can anything be done?

Love,
Human Power.

The Tao? The Dao... yes I seem to recall getting a breifing about the possible Dow threat back in M35, I really must have Secretary of Offence Dorn and Galactic Security Advisor Rubert schedule a follow up. Until then our Space Military is on high alert against the Squat and Exodite threats, rest assured they will not harm the Space Empire so long as I am on the Golden Throne.

Spacey

Dear Mr Space Emperor
I've been a very good girl this year, I helped my mother make dinner, I cleaned my room and I helped purge Timmy the boy with the big ears who was probably a filthy mutie from my 2nd grade class.
Will Father Kwanzaa bring my a My Lil Bolter like I asked him too?

Sally

Sally,

It pleases me that you've started your purging at an early age. I see great things ahead for you - the Sisters Of Battle perhaps?...Ah, I do so love that corset-armour, it always gets me right...oh! What was I saying there? Ah yes, of course you'll recieve your lil bolter for xmas. Raise the shields, children! But you must promise me that you will continue to purge the unclean. Anybody who even remotely displays anything "new" or "different", should suffer not to live.

Dear Emperor Of All Mankind,

I keep having these visions of things that have not yet come to pass. Is this a problem? Should I go see my local medicae?

FEEEEEEEEEEEED MEEEE

*cough*

Pardon me. What i meant to say is: "You've won! Congratulations! Please send your address to 'The Inquisition, Death Hill, Death World, Certain Doom.' A Black Ship will then wing its way to you post-haste to usher your prize to you!"

Dear Space Emperor,

My older brother said you weren't real and all the letters i sent you ever Kwanza were just going to a bit mail room on Titan. Please tell him that he's been a bad boy and will get a severed head next Kwanza.

I love you,
Little Boy.

Dear little boy if your brother needs proof that i'm real just think of all the daemonic incursions that didn't happen because I was on the job...

And yes, he will get a severed head for Kwanza....

Dear Space Emperor:

How come after all these years they never figured out how to make a plasma gun that didn't kill its user?

Sincerely, Seriously Seeking Aloe