Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Well despite what people right read into the title this is not about homosexuality. Its actually a general question from a ‘closet’ geek.

By closet geek I am the type of person that thinks online ordering is the best thing since sliced bread not because of the discounts but because I don’t have to go near a games workshop, this is because every time I do go in one I spend most my time being embarrassed on other peoples behalves when thirty year olds are getting over excited and shouting ‘waagghhhh’ at there ten year old opponent (an exaggeration maybe but its this openly geek like behaviour that makes me uncomfortable). I mean this is rather stupid of me I realise that and not the point of the post.

So basically by being a closet geek that side of me is pretty much reserved for the small gaming group I am part of. Its not like I would choose to talk to work colleagues or the like about it.

Now I have the problem I have had before, just starting to get semi serious with a girl after impressing her with my wit, charm and incredibly large… intellect. But it always difficult to then come out with ‘well hun you know you were thinking I am quite cool, well surprise I spend far to much money on small lumps of plastic which I then paint and push round a table with other grown men’ I mean its certainly an odd hobby. You know I end wondering if I should break her into it gently or something :] .

So I was generally wondering if anyone else has the same kind of problems, I mean does anyone else have as small a spine as mien when it comes to the hobby. How did others break the news to there partners? Or was it always obvious for many here?

Well, if you've already impressed her with your wit, charm and other large attirbutes, I wouldn't worry about it. Dude, it's little plastic dolls that we play with. Either she accepts/tolerates you spending time and money on a hobby or she doesn't. If she's too immature to accept it then find someone else. If she tolerates it, great. If she thinks it's fun and wants to paint some figs, even better.

Grow up and grow a pair. And I mean that in the nicest possible way - if you can't accept yourself in your own image, then no one else ever will.

when I met my wife I was a bartender in a gentleman's club (read tittie bar) and I was upfront with her about the fact that I spent 80+ hours a week working with naked women and that in my spare time I played with little plastic dolls. I've been married now for 6 years and have a son with her so she obviously didn't care that much about the plastic dolls (though I stopped bartening a few months after meeting her). Still doesn't.

Dude, she's totally going to think you're cheating on her
only to discover your secret rendezvous is with other men
in other men's basements playing with toy soldiers.

Judd Apatow told me that, and it's the truth.

It helps to never have been "cool."

Heh... oh the disgrace of being a gamer. I know it well. When my first wife found out I was a game geek she hated it. She was not a nice person to begin with. Still isn't, but that's another story. She forbade me to play. Hence, one of the reasons she is my ex-wife... that and the fact that she is a cowgirl. I am not.
When my wife (the current one) found my stash of game stuff in the proverbial closet she gave me that, "you're a damned geek" look. Then she started looking at my treasure trove of plastic and metal toys and was impressed by the amount of patience and skill it took for me to actually paint the little silver pants blue. She always calls me the "geek in cool clothing". She won't go to the game store with me. I don't blame her. She's a very attractive woman and always gets the "there's boobies in the store" looks and stares from the drooling geeks there. Sad thing is, I really don't like going into the game store either because of those same weirdos. When I enter or leave I always feel a little embarassed. Call me a snob... don't care. I like the games but having to deal with alot of the gaming population is embarassing. There's nothing like running into a game geek in public and he starts talking about armour saves and weapon strengths and how the *enter new Codex here* makes the new army way too powerful or broke the army. Sorry, I don't go for that. There are others like me that give the knowing nod and continue on about their lives without mentioning the games in public.
My advice... let her know. It's a part of you. She'll probably make fun of you for a bit but if she really likes you she'll understand. We all have flaws. If she can't get over it... make fun of her shoes, the women I know hate that.

I had quit the hobby for years before I started going out with the girl I later married. I only took up toy soldiering again after we'd been married for 7 years and had 2 children with a 3rd on the way, and I needed to find a hobby that didn't take me out the house, didn't cost an arm or a leg but meant I could do something more interesting with my evenings than sit and watch Big Brother.

By which time what I did for fun a couple of hours a week wasn't really a big issue!

Anyhow, now my lads are a bit older and they can geek-out with their old dad, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed positively encourages it as it means she can spend time doing other stuff instead of looking after them, knowing we are safely ensconced in our little geek heaven together!

Kinda know what you mean wasn't WH40k at the time but I was a RPGer (and still am) and a Larper (no time) and gotta admit it wasn't the first thing I mentioned on a date. That being said I think after a couple of dates once she's got to know you, what you do as a hobby aint as important as prehaps you think (unless it happens to be cross dressing or murdering prostitutes). She's going out with you and not your hobby as long as it don't interfere with date time it don't matter.

As an aside whereabouts in lincolnshire are you? I'm over in grimsby and your experience of GW shops sounds like our branch (but maybe every branch is the same).

kutzmon wrote:There's nothing like running into a game geek in public and he starts talking about armour saves and weapon strengths and how the *enter new Codex here* makes the new army way too powerful or broke the army. Sorry, I don't go for that.

That is the worst thing, and actually the reason i stopped going to my local gaming club, running into people that would strike up a conversation about it when i was with work mates in a pub and the like, its not cool

The Strange Dude wrote:As an aside whereabouts in lincolnshire are you? I'm over in grimsby and your experience of GW shops sounds like our branch (but maybe every branch is the same).

I am in Louth mate so yeah grimsby is my local branch... glad someone else feels the same... plus its so damn small

Give up wargaming. It worked for me.

Got married, popped a sprog, did a degree and developed my career a bit.

Had to take a 10 year holiday from the games, mind you, and was only slowly able to infiltrate it back into my life.

For those of you who won't talk about games in public:

Do you talk sports? Or movies? Or anything?

I can understand if you dislike people talking flame hate
in public, or drooling over females in comic book art, but
talking about something you enjoy is a good thing.

Don't hide your lamp under a basket.

Unless you're trying to assassinate someone. Then it's
appropriate.

If you have a cool circle of friends who you game with, introduce her to them first and then introduce the concept of gaming. Do any of your gaming buddies have wives or significant others. If you can make a connection there, that always helps too. Wargame widows need support too.

malfred wrote:For those of you who won't talk about games in public:

Do you talk sports? Or movies? Or anything?

I can understand if you dislike people talking flame hate
in public, or drooling over females in comic book art, but
talking about something you enjoy is a good thing.

Don't hide your lamp under a basket.

To be fair though movies and sports, even computer games etc are a little bit more... well accepted. I mean i work as a very hands on factory manager, i have friends who tend to, how can you put it be more ladish and mens men so you dont really want to talk about playing with little plastic men around them.

In the right company i will talk geek like the best of them, but i just think time a place a dude, maybe i just think i do have a slightly cool reputation to uphold. Sad aint it...

Ifurita wrote:If you have a cool circle of friends who you game with, introduce her to them first and then introduce the concept of gaming.

This i did try, and it went alright, but even they are closet geeks to its like a secret society we have going :] maybe i will just let her disover the cuboard

i say quit playing with yourself in the closet.

(oh that came out wrong..lol)

if your friends, work mates etc, can't accept you for all the quirckyness that you offer, then tell them to get soaked. I would imagine you have some "tough guy" friends that like to dress in womens clothing on the weekends or other similar things that you might find odd or even disgusting.

If you can't be honest with your friends about what you like, then you can't be honest and that's a problem. Besides there is nothing more manly than taking dice and plastic soldiers and revisiting old/historic wars and besting your opponent. (Risk, Stratego, Chess, Go, etc are all games of strategy and tactics) and guess what, so is tabletop wargaming.

so, you can stay in the closet and play alone, or not. The choice is ultimately yours.

At my last job I basically kept it a secret, and got 'outted' by a friend of mine there.

The result?

No one really cared. It wasn't an instant change on the social landscape. Everyone either said 'Show me more' or 'Whatever' and things went on as normal.

One guy tried to use it to annoy me, but he was a dick and a few months later started playing High Elves (and was a huge D&D fan...), so goody for him.

BYE

malfred wrote:For those of you who won't talk about games in public:

Do you talk sports? Or movies? Or anything?

I can understand if you dislike people talking flame hate
in public, or drooling over females in comic book art, but
talking about something you enjoy is a good thing.

Don't hide your lamp under a basket.

Movies, sports, everyday life, videogames. Talking about something you enjoy is a good thing, as long as the other person is interested. I'm sure underwater basketweaving is interesting for some, but I'd rather not hear about other people's niche hobbies as well. So yeah I'd talk about 40k if I'm with my geek friends, but only mention it in passing if the need arises otherwise. Except when I use it as an opener.

@Salad: I've actually used 40k-humor as a conversation starter to pick up chicks. It's fun talking with friends while out and about because I can use whatever we're talking about whatever. Same with asking girls if they think you'd look good in pink (as we passed by a store in the mall with Victoria's Secret PINK plastered all over) or if they cared if someone was a nerd but was also pretty cool (since I was with a low self-esteem friend and I proved to him that they don't by asking a random hot chick). One time I even convinced this girl that a Guitar Hero themed party would be pretty cool and got her to buy me some ice cream and a burger. Doesn't beat my friend who got a girl to buy him half a tank of gas but I hope it convinces you that chicks have no prob with nerdy crap. I'm not in your predicament cuz I'm really not looking to get tied down just yet, but from my experiences talking with random attractive girls, they just don't care as long as you're cool and confident anyway. According to you, you've already demonstrated that. It looks like other people's bad experiences have to do with an SO's control issues, which is why I'm hoping to put off commitment for as long as possible.

But yeah, I get what you mean. It IS weird and sometimes uncomfortable seeing a grown man yelling WAAAGH at a 10 year old. It IS odd when someone shouts "For the Emperor!" and "Eradicate the Heretic!" with such zeal that you wonder if they're substituting the word Emperor and Heretic for some other real-life issue. But neither of those is as bad as the guy who tells you about his 50-page fanfic of some homemade chapter legion. I'll be polite, nod, and excuse myself later, but it doesn't mean I was interested.

, i have friends who tend to, how can you put it be more ladish and mens men so you dont really want to talk about playing with little plastic men around them.

The challenge here is to subtly tell them that everything manly they cherish is subtly homoerotic. What you need to do is get them to realize it on their own and have a laugh about it afterwards.

My name's Greebynog....and I am a wargamer.


There, I've said it.

Seriously though, I'm like this too, I have my paints and models packed up in a box on my desk, and there they stay. I don't talk to my mates about it, they wouldn't be interested, and why on earth would I tell girls? That'd be suicide. I'm at a London art college, it's not the done thing here. I know this all seems awfuly sad, but I don't see any reason why my hobby shouldn't be seperate from the rest of my life.

H.B.M.C. wrote:One guy tried to use it to annoy me, but he was a dick .

Well, yeah. People who will go out of their way to try to piss you
off about your hobby are going to be that. I just believe everyone
should just deal with your interests as your interests. It's not like
you're obnoxiously trying to get them to play those games with
you, and you're not hurting anyone.

(With humor and not malice)

Stop being a p*ssy.

Whether it's in life or a relationship, you need to be yourself and be true to yourself.
Wht would you give a feth about ANYONE who would judge you negatively about the harmless activities you choose as a hobby?

I mean, if your idea of a fun Saturday afternoon was clubbing baby seals I could understand your trepidation at having "The Big Secret" come out. Dude. All you do is paint toy soldiers and push them around a table strategically, recreating imitation battles in space.
Big deal. It's not a problem until you break out the fermented virgin blood.

Before the end of the third date she should know about your hobbies. If she's going to judge you negatively for it, then to h*ll with her.
Same with your coworkers and non-gaming friends.

It's more important to be true to who YOU are as a whole person than try to "closet" any aspect of who you are and what you do. To do otherwise will just lead to eventual disappointment. Not to mention the fact that being ashamed of yourself is a character flaw that not enough people try to overcome.


Eric

Thats the one advantage of being an old fart. You don't really care about this nonsense any more.

Hi, My name is Mick and I've been miniature wargaming since I was in 3rd grade. For a 4th grade history paper on Antietam, I invited the local miniature game club to the school and they put on a miniature reinactment of the battle.

I didn't get into 40k until I was 23/24. It's always been a part of my life. When I started dating my current wife, we lived in the same apartment complex and it was the fall. I told her she could come down to my apartment anytime, but we could only go out on Friday nights. Monday was Monday night Football, Tuesday and Thursday were game nights, Wednesday was college football. Saturday and Sunday were football days as well. While watching football, I painted in front of the TV.

She started coming down and learned about football and painting. She's painted some herself although she would never play. Now that we've just finished up (hopefully) our last 6 month hospital stay with our eldest, she is encouraging me to get out of the house and go play games.

Even when I'm out all night, coming home at 9 in the morning just in time for church, she's fine with it. I'm with gamer geeks pushing little toy soldiers around a table. It's not like I'm at the nudie bar looking at some 19 year old working her way through nursing school.

As hobbies go, something that requires time at home painting (allowing her to be in the same room and ramble on while you have a valid excuse to not pay perfect attention) is not exactly the end of the world.

Man up and if it's serious, introduce her to that side. Leave some well painted models and some in progress out on the table and let her ask the question... Wimmen love to ask questions.

If all else fails, take away her shoes and point her towards the kitchen.

I don't know how old you are Salad but, eventually you hit an age where you just don't give a **** what people think of you.

I've been married for (just under) 3 years now. My wife and I have known each other for about 8 and she knew about my "hobbies" early on in the relationship. Part of the reason why I love her (and that we've been able to stay together through LOTS of trying times) is because she respects me, even if she doesn't "get" something or doesn't agree with it. While she may not enjoy gaming, she knows that I do and she's very supportive of my hobby. She always wants to see what I'm working on, she makes sure that I get enough time each week to build and game. Heck, she even offers to bring down food and drinks during game nights!

If your partner doesn't respect you for who you are, then you have to ask yourself whether that's someone you see a future with (regardless of how you want to define your relationship).

My personal view is that the reason the divorce rate in this country is so high and that so many single people I know find it impossible to find a good partner is because way too many people try to make themselves the ideal partner while hiding their true self because they're afraid of being judged or appear imperfect. The problem is no one is perfect, EVERYONE has their quirks/imperfections/blemishes/geekiness.

All you can do is be yourself and not worry about whether you're too "geeky".

I think magical memories said it quite well. I catch flack at work sometimes for my hobbies, but in my field if you're thin-skinned you better invest in Kleenex anyway. Besides, I give as good as I get, and for all the "manly men" who think that if it ain't hunting or some sport involving a ball it's gay, there's plenty of openings there. Most times it's just folks havin fun, alleviating the boredom.

Chicks. If they don't want you for who and what you truly are, then they are REALLY not worth it. Mine loves my hobby for a lot of the reasons others have mentioned.

the problem I would think, are the people who don't know when the appropriate time to talk about it is. Like the guy who walked up to the poster above at bar when he was with friends. It's the person who does yell "WAAGH" at a ten year old. You know who we are talking about: That Guy.

So ask yourself, are you That Guy?


If not get on with your life. Everyone has hobbies, if the girl thinks your only hobby is making money for her then she's probably not someone you'd want to date in the first place. She probably has something she likes but hasn't shared it either out of embarrassment. I've known a lot of women who thought video games were cool and other things like that, but felt they couldn't admit it because, regardless of what Gyrl Gamerz say, it still somewhat of a stigma for females to be interested in gaming.

Greebynog wrote:My name's Greebynog....and I am a wargamer.


There, I've said it.

Seriously though, I'm like this too, I have my paints and models packed up in a box on my desk, and there they stay. I don't talk to my mates about it, they wouldn't be interested, and why on earth would I tell girls? That'd be suicide. I'm at a London art college, it's not the done thing here. I know this all seems awfuly sad, but I don't see any reason why my hobby shouldn't be seperate from the rest of my life.

why not pull the models out and put them on your desk. I have new friends come over all the time and inevitably they ask me about the "things on the table." I pick them up and show them what I paint. You don't need to go in depth about the history of 40k, but you can give them a brief synopsis.

The fact is, it is hard to draw an analogy between this hobby and others apropos the OP's concerns. Unfortunately, as has been covered on other threads, many of the stereotypes do hold true. Just the other day I almost forfeited a game because of the stench of body odor from someone in the room. Seriously, it was bad enough to fill the entire store.

I use several strategies when it becomes necessary to talk about miniatures. One way is to draw an analogy to something more familiar, such as model railroading. I use that one a lot. Another good analogy is with board games, which for some reason are completely acceptable to play as an adult.

What most of you are concerned about, I'm sure, is introducing a new girlfriend to this. One reason this is a big concern is the simple fact that if you are pursuing a serious relationship it is going to have to come out sooner or later. I like to head things off at the pass and mention that I do some art projects in my spare time. The next question is " Oh? What sort of stuff do you do?", to which I respond by saying that I paint miniature figurines ( that word is very important, not models or miniatures ). When it comes time to explain that you actually play a game with these, I explain that it is a military strategy game, much like a chess game where you make the board and paint the pieces. If she ends up coming to a game, it is in your best interest to try to engineer a time to play when TFG(s) aren't there.

Self effacing humor can work, as mentioned earlier.

If that all seems wimpy and evasive, just come right out and say you like building and playing with toy soldiers with other grown men. Take it or leave it.

Make a deal with her: tell her you can either keep your gaming hobby, or you can become a raving alcoholic who likes to beat your hand against her face.

Compromise is just a dirty word for surrender.

Budro, Stonefox, and ancientsociety have largely covered my thoughts on the subject.

C.S. Lewis wrote:Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow.

But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.

Mannahnin wrote:Budro, Stonefox, and ancientsociety have largely covered my thoughts on the subject.

C.S. Lewis wrote:Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow.

But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.

I agree with you and Mr. Lewis wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, I know the reality of the situation and adjust accordingly. I'm nothing if not pragmatic about it.

Exalt Mannahnin for quoting C.S. Lewis!

Most people have summed it up pretty well. I might tell the people at work you play "war games" for extra manliness, but seriously I wouldn't quibble about it. It isn't like you write erotic furry fanfiction. (Is it?)

I think the leaving models out on the desk to show the girlfriend is the best bet if you want to broach it gently. Most people have a very hard time grasping the idea as an abstract unless they are gamers themselves, so bringing it up at dinner without visual aids is not really an optimal method.

In all seriousness though, I highly recommend NOT hiding things you like to do from significant others (though if it is highly immoral/illegal, I would wait a bit). Sooner or later she is going to find out, and you don't want it to be after you have a kid and you can't kick her to the curb. If my "all I did in college was study and watch girly things with kittens saving money" wife can deal with my two hobbies of tiny gun toting nuns and competitive armored combat, every man can find something similar (or at least deserves it.)

People still worry about being labeled a "geek" or "nerd?" Be who you are. It's not even about being adult, it's about being confident. I play (and write) pnp RPGs, I play 40k, I play WoW. All of my friends know this, if I meet someone new who doesn't like it, well, I guess I have enough friends already.