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In the year M12.009, three brave explorers whose names are forever remembered as metallifan, GundamMerc, and r3n3g8boy stole a spaceship on the planet of Earth. With a supply consisting of large amounts of booze, "legal" marijuana, and food for the inevitable munchies, they set off into the unknown, eventually arriving on the planet of Swine, in the system of Ham. There, after hours of boredom and running out of marijuana, they began to grow crazy from withdrawal systems, and started worshiping a pig that had found their beer stash. After the pig died one day of alcohol poisoning, they buried it and created a golden statue over the grave. Eventually this became known as the greater god SPAM. GundamMerc then had a vision,whether from an actual diety or from dehydration we will never know , in which a lesser god named Pork told him of a place that had plentiful water, if they would turn their backs on the god SPAM. GundamMerc, moved by what he believed to be divine will, tried to convince the others to follow him on his pilgrimage. r3n3g8boy agreed to come along but metallifan refused, seeing it as heresy. After this point, both began their journals, later to be called the Book of SPAM and the Book of Pork. metallifan, after an undetermined amount of time and page 450 of his journal, died of massive withdrawal from both marijuana and booze.

meanwhile, GundamMerc and his companion eventually found said body of water in Chapter 10, page 345. Unfortunately, this body of water turned out to be salt water, and both shortly died from dehydration.

About 2 years passed before another group of settlers came to settle the planet Swine. They first found the Book of SPAM, and worship quickly spread throughout the populace. About 2 weeks later, an exploration party found the Book of Pork clutched in GundamMerc's hands. This quickly gained a following among the heretics of the new religion. These two cults formed two nations, the Republic of SPAM and the Sultanate of Pork. These nations were constantly at war, fighting each other for many thousand's of years.

Then something amazing happened. One of the sacrificial swine being prepared was accidentally cut to shreds when someone forgot to turn off the chainfist used to kill the pig. One of the strips that flew off landed on a pan over a fire that was being used to cook SPAM. This piece grew nice and crispy. When the person cooking the SPAM tried this piece, they cried "How can we fight when something so beautiful exists for us all to share!!" This persons name, incidentally, was Friar Bacon. Thus they called this delicacy bacon. The truce of bacon was signed in M34.039. After this the two nations gradually became one, and focused on exploiting the system of Hflam for their own benefit. Using the power of their flaming pigs to incite fear in their enemies, they gradually expanded to the neighboring systems of Sow and Boar. After contact was made with the Imperium, war ensued, ending in the defeat of Imperial forces via setting fire to their camps with the flaming pigs mentioned before and boarding their vessels and unleashing hundreds or thousands of pigs on ships, causing rampant confusion in which they used their soldiers armed with guns that shot bullets made of pig bone to take over the Imperial vessels. The Imperium has decided that it has bigger worries than a bunch of fanatics that worship the Pantheon of Swine, such as Chaos or Orks, and pulled out of the sector.

cult proverb-"EVEN IN DEATH I STILL DRINK AND SMOKE!"

Moving thread to Dakka Fiction.

FTL

Dakka fiction? you mean my little thread has reached such a gloriously high pedestal? oh joy, what a joyous occasion. We shall cook many a SPAM, and cover them in gallons of jam. then we shall feast on this SPAM, making the holy snort of the lesser god Pork and rolling in mud as the greater god SPAM did at the beginning of time, creating this world!

Can we fit it in at the end that "EVEN IN DEATH I STILL DRINK AND SMOKE!"

does that make you happy?

Yes. This pleases my loins.

Nb4Tl.

G

metallifan wrote:Yes. This pleases my loins.

That's creepy.

And we mix the loins in with the jam, and twirl it over your head, that's right, twirl it. Get that jam everywhere!

I lol'd.

How did I know that from your Spam addled ramblings amongst DLS glorious topic, would it end up here? There must be more to the tales of the System of Ham and the pig frenzied planet of Swine!

I'm welcome to additions. Who knows? Maybe we can have a whole thing as large as the post-heresy sticky.

GundamMerc wrote:I'm welcome to additions. Who knows? Maybe we can have a whole thing as large as the post-heresy sticky.

Or the Dakka Heresy, where the terrible Warmaster Gwar! almost undid everything Emperor Yakface had built

Ahh swell memories...

Besides, there's bound to be more. Everyone -knows- I don't stay dead forever.

Oh, god. I just got hit by inspiration! This may take a couple days, but I'll get something on here.

GundamMerc wrote:Oh, god. I just got hit by inspiration! This may take a couple days, but I'll get something on here.

Do hint? I'm curious already

mmmm delicious SPAM, a staple of my diet on those fun days where I don't want whatever the chow hall is serving but at the same time refuse to spend money on a restraunt. GLORIOUS SPAM HOW I LOVE THY DELICOUS SALTY GOODNESS

ok, i'm working on it now, but I have another story to write for a different forum, so it may take a while.


that's for all you mods, don't close down this thread, I'm not done with it yet.

LOL! MY LOINS IS PLEASED

for some reason i actualy want to know more about this

I feel like this is going to get locked soon...

Only if someone complains. Then I will just label them heretic and have the hamquisition plot their demise.

for the greater food!!!

Dakka Fiction is officially my favorite forum now. I love you all.

These two cults formed two nations, the Republic of SPAM and the Sultanate of Pork.

Surely "Salt'an'eat" of Pork?

It's not nearly as funny when it's intentional. I really didn't even mean for that to happen, just finding different names for governments.

All I can do is

I finally have something new... even if it is dreadfully short.




"Sir, we're running out of pigs to appease the Fluff God! What should we do?"

Arch-Bacon of Swine Alexandros Gustav thought upon this. Then he motioned to Thrice-Hammed of the Glazed Navy Adolphus Fidelés and said, "Are you sure? I thought we had pigs coming from 12 different planets. You mean to say that those planets have no more left?"

"Yes, mi'lord. Even Pork Chops is having trouble meeting the quotas. Is there anything we can do?"

Alexandros stood there for a moment and thought for a couple minutes before saying, "If they do not bring us swine, we shall have them genetically engineered into replacements. If they resist, Haminatus to them all. Now go, and take your fleet to those worlds and deliver this message and perhaps a show of force."

With that, Adolphus made the sign of the cloven foot and left, rushing to his flagship, the Bacon 'n Bits.

As soon as Adolphus had left, Alexandros began to morph, changing from a fat, bald man into a vague black shadow. He then spoke into a communications device, saying quietly, "It is done, sir. The Empire of Swine will soon destroy itself, and we will take these worlds back for the Imperium."