Alright mighty warriors, tales spun in the dark corners of the barracks behind the commissars back tell of a mystical xenos machine that you insert any random item into and it warps it into something else. The game works like this. You take the item inserted by the post above you, twist it as the chaos gods see fit and it comes out of the machine. Then you insert an item of your own and pray.

For example.

Guardsman one:
I insert my Ilo stick.

Guardsman two:
You recieve a old-terran corncob pipe.
I insert my copy of the Guardsman's Primer.


Simple.
Now bear in mind, we do have to keep this within DakkaDakka's forum post requirements. Nothing too explicit or illegal please.

May Tzeentch have mercy on the result, and may the Emperor have mercy on us for this heresy.

I will go first.

I insert the human in baroque power armour from Trazyn the Infinate's collection.

You recieve a bag 'o bases.

I insert a pumpkin.

You recieve a small warptoken.

I insert a pot of superglue. Opened.

You recieve a roll of tape, unwound.

I insert a small warptoken.

You recieve a SOBs corset

I insert a Space Marine

You recieve a pauldron.

I insert a gun.

You get a pot of paint.
I insert a dead ork.

You get mushroom soup.

I insert a playstation 4.

You get a Necron Monolith model painted black with streaks of dark blue.

I insert 3D6.

You get a 36 point buy array, you lucky devil you

i insert the avatar of khaine

You get a topless witch elf.

I insert a ChibiHawk.

You get a chubby bird of prey.

I insert a foot

You recieve a yardstick.

I insert some miscast finecast.

You get a small baggie of that fine warp dust. You hear the sound of a wailing Grey Knight off in the distance.

I insert a melta bomb. Primed for detonation.

You recieve a charred body.

I insert some green stuff.

You get a baggie full of different green stuff. You are promptly arrested for posession.

I insert a flying stand.

You get a Thunderhawk. Life size. Dropping right on top of you.

[EDIT]

I insert myself

You come out as a bloody bucket of body parts.

I insert a tape measure.

You recieve a red whippy stick ruler.

I insert a forgeworld Grot.

You recieve a Skavenslave. Huzzah!


I insert your mother. (HAHA! #SWAG)

You get a GW store employee who tells you to buy something or get out.

I insert a old bloodbowl pitch board

You get a rubber latex Dreadball pitch.

I insert an Emporer-class battleship.

You get a golden tooth.

I insert a chunk of ceramite.

You get a 1:16th light up scale replica of the Golden Throne

I insert a skeleton warrior injured in bloodbowl.

You recieve a bloodbowl ball, injured in a skeleton.

I insert Justin Bieber

You recieve a useless Fimir.

I insert some Squats.

You receive a DVD on how to do squat thrusts.

I insert a computer keyboard.

You receive a live mouse

I insert the Fimir

You recieve a Wood Elf.

I insert... Phil Kelly's severed head.

You recieve Phil Kellys body, minus its head.

I insert my cat

You recieve kitty litter.

I insert Skull Pass.

You receive a hall pass.

I insert Phil Kelly's binders filled with pictures of naked elf women.

You recieve metal Daemonettes.

I insert a tomb king.

You revieve a small scroll telling of the meaning of ll things. Upon reading it, your mind is blown as you realise your tiny place in the universe. Unable to form a tangible sentence, you are locked in a psych ward for the rest of your days.

I insert a rubber man wand

You recieve a rubber.

I insert a Necron Monolith

You receive a crossaint that appears to defy gravity.

I insert Matt Ward

You recieve a bottle of balanced rules.

I insert an apple.

You recieve an i-Pod.

I insert a Chaos Dwarf.

You recieve a shovel, that you may dig a hole!


I insert a very annoying orange.

You receive a foxy lady

I insert a biscuit. Bourbon cream. Slightly nibbled at the edge.

You recieve a dog-ear'd rulebook.

I insert some dice.

You receive the very first dice ever created. Keep it safe and use it wisely for with such great power comes great responsibility.

I insert a PGI staff member.

You recieve a red shirt.

I insert Sicarius.

You receive a great dane puppy

I insert a balloon

You receive a Drop Pod.

I insert Tzeench.

You receive a ball of silly putty.

I insert a 12 gauge shotgun shell.

You recieve some jingle bells.

I insert a space marine.

You receive a GW issue porn mag, featuring a space marine posing in his armour. This is all there is through the entire mag.

I insert a frisbee

You recieve a Cease & Desist letter from GW.

I insert a deck of Magic cards.

You receive an index card that has "What the feth is a tarmogoyf?" written on it.

I insert some jingle bells.

You recieve some bolter shells.

I insert some flock.

You recieve some Goff Rokaz.

I insert Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!

You recieve pure win

I insert a sister of battle

You receive a faceful of promethium (lit).

I insert tree fiddy.

You recieve a box of jetbikes.

I insert a CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT.

You recieve a CRASSUS ARMOURED ASSAULT TRANSPORT

I insert a Battlecannon shell

You recieve a tub of GW sand.

I insert a pile of unused bits.

You receive a pile of used cod pieces.

I insert a gold coin

You receive Shining Gold Paint. Use it wisely...

I insert GW's business model.

You receive a nurgling

I insert my hand.

You recieve your own severed hand

I insert a small child's hopes and dreams

You recieve a GW price increase.

I insert some sprue.

You recieve a model kit of Phil Kelly

I insert a troll

You recieve a wisecracking servo skull.

I insert Jervis.

You receive a BFG Battlefleet, thanks to GW worth £942816

[EDIT]

I insert a small rabbit

You recieve a FineHole (TM).

I insert a gaming board.

You recieve a Manufactorum.

I insert Mordheim Buildings.

You revieve a small chunk of Warpstone.

I insert a copy of the Infantrymans Uplifting Primer

You get a can of primer.

I insert a grot.

You receive a pot of snot green

I insert a pot of purple paint

You recieve a Lich. It is not amused.

I insert Phil Kelley.

You receive a binder of naked elves with dried body fluid on them.

I insert my finger.

You a receive a 10m long tentacle where your finger was.

I insert some of my excrement wrapped in tissue paper.

The machine spews blood at you.

I insert my flashdrive.

You recieve a digital WD magazine.

I insert a bomb.

You recieve a small volcanoe

I insert a Diaz Deamonnette model

You recieve a Playboy magazine made of metal.

I insert my homework.

You receive a sheet with random logics printed on it.

I pee in vending machine.

You receive your own pee. In your face.

I insert a small dog

You get a box of Kroot.

I insert 100 gnoblars.

You receive a load of nurselings

I insert my new airbrush.

You recieve a whistle.

I insert a cat.

You recieve an exclusive Felinid miniature!

I pour in liquid green stuff.

You receive a failcast minature

I insert a map

You recieve a Drop Pod.

I insert an exclusive WD subscriber only miniature.

You receive a tacky GW propaganda leaflet

I insert a small slappyfish.

You recieve a (CENSORED BY GW IP POLICE)

I insert a white rabbit.

You receive a white bunny/tyranid hybrid. Have fun with your new friend.

I insert a GW IP police officer.

You get an Inquisitor.

I insert a slottabase.

You receive a base with no slot.

I insert ur mom.

You recieve Swag, lolz!!1

I insert a bycicle.

You recieve a spelling lesson.

I insert artillery dice.

You receive a super heavy artillery battery.

I insert a grammar book (to undo any harm caused by that terrible grammar above)

You receive an ORK codex, Orkish language edition.

I insert an old Slann.

You receive a psychic frog and a large stone altar.

I insert a kitten

You receive kitty litter.

I insert Margaret Thatcher.

The machine spews fecal matter at you.

I insert a fishhook.

You receive a slappyfish. It keeps slapping you.

I insert the house of parliment.

You receive the US congress. They defund you.

I insert the Codex Astartes

You receive an Epic scale space marine legion.

I insert a Russ.

You receive a metal box.

I insert Elton John.

You recieve either: A- a grey knight, or B- a candle in the wind.

I insert One Direction.

You receive another direction.

I insert a Snickers bar.

You receive an angry, ripped black man demanding to know where he is.

I insert a mars bar.

You recieve a Titan.

I insert a chipmonk.

You recieve an Adeptus Soritas flaming a vat full of oil and potato fragments.

I insert my hand and have a rummage around.

You receive a bloody stump and a visit from GW legal inquisition.

I insert David Bowie.

You receive a giant cod piece and a pair of crystal baubles.

I insert the GW legal inquisitor.

You receive a Fleshound of Khorne.

I insert a figure case.

You receive Doom II for the computer.

I insert snurl.

You receive a Pumpkin full of pure awesome and a bonus fish-slap.

I insert a slappyfish.

You receive a Monty Python skit.
I insert an Infinity miniature.

You receive an infinite amount of miniatures. (well not infinite per se, but a few boxes full at least)

I insert Morathi on her dark pegasus.

You receive a pair of socks. That are on fire

I insert a politician

You receive A Jervis Johnson Servo Skull.

I insert Skullvane Manse.

You receive a copy of "monkey island"

I insert a vending machine

You receive a C&D from GW legal, who have a copyright on "Vending Machine".

I insert a WAAC player.

You receive a metal killa kan moulded in solid gold

I insert a bag of Cheetos

You receive thousands of greasy fingerprints.

I insert Games Day tickets.

You receive a bunch of FW models.

I insert a packet of Jaffa cakes.

You get Jaffa crumbs.

I insert Selym.

You receive a handful of dog crap.

I insert my composition book that I use to write my army lists.

You receive the collected works of Mahatma Gandhi.

I insert a Tyranid Warrior.

You receive a can of RAID.

I insert a Matt Ward codex.

You receive a angry Furioso Dreadnaught, and its from the Death Company.

I insert a Grav-Centruion.

You get a baneblade.

I insert a pen.

You get a sword.

I insert the observable universe.

You get a mini-Golden Throne.


I insert myself.

You need glasses if you keep that up too often.

I insert an Ork Trukk.

You receive a red trike.

I insert a Chainaxe.

You recieve a black chainsaw. It looks rater grim. Hurr, grimdark!

I insert all those damned fireworks.

You receive a Hellstrom Rocket Battery.

I insert a monkey.

You receive a barrel.

I insert a vending machine.

You receive a power claw.
I insert the thing in the woods.

You receive a plate of pasta.

I insert a snow globe.

You receive a company of Valhallans.

I insert Witch Elves.

You receive an autographed picture of Khaine.

I insert a Forgefiend.

You receive a forgery.

I insert pure lead ingots.

You receive Commisar Yarick's arm. The Orky one.

I insert a bag of trail mix

You receive Bugman's Rangers.

I insert A Warmahordes figure.

You receive a very angry otter.

I insert a cup of tea.

You get a pot of Delvan Mud.
I insert a Squat Trike.

You reactive a boxing glove to the face.

I inserted Peregrine.

You receive a Millenium Falcon.

I insert a Rules Lawyer.

You receive an objection.

I insert a Splinter Rifle.

You receive a concerned letter from a Tervigon mother.

I insert a novelty bobble-head Abaddon.

You receive a novelty Bobble-head Necron.

I insert a GW Battleboard.

You recieve a bunch of plastic bottles, books, and a large flat piece of wood.

I insert a Riptide Battlesuit.

You receive a very smug looking Tom Selleck.

I insert an old pocket watch.

You get that silly Empire wagon thingy.

I insert some Lego blocks.

You receive a movie.

I insert a homeless man and/or woman.

You get a new GW games designer.

I insert the Mighty Fortress.

You get a cinematic scenery kit.

I insert a new Warhammer 40K collector.

You get empty pockets.

I insert Rick Priestley.

You received NMM British.

I insert snurl.

You get a Courageous Slayer.

I insert beer.

You get a box of kidney cancer.
I insert... CTHULHU.

You get a crappy superexpensive failcast kit that does not even look remotely intimidating and is, in its essence, a lot of work that will just get your friends to laugh at you.

I insert Canis Wolfborn.

You receive master of ordanance's cat.

I insert a trygOn

You get a polygon.

I insert a tape measure.

You get a restraining order.

I insert that thing you hate.

You get a Kirby Codex Collection.

I insert a bolter.

You receive nut.

I insert... My pe... Chneg.

You recieve a really small (2cm) ruler.

I insert a pot of Blood for the Blood God!.

You receive tamp ons.

I insert Horus rising.

You receive a chibi Tzeench

I insert your chibi Tzeench, cuz I stole it.

You receive a punch to the face.
I receive my chibi tzeentch
I put in A nurgling.

You receive a flood of vomit from the vending machine.

I insert a Brail edition of Lord of the Rings the first book.

You get dangerous terrain.

I insert a cat.

You get a meme.

I insert my faith in GW.

You get a screw.

I insert my last dollar.

You receive a billion Swedish kronor.

I insert a physics textbook.

You get a big bang.

I insert the last issue of White Dwarf.

You recieve some pocket lint...

I insert a Cadian Platoon...

You receive a Valhallan Platoon.

I insert A Thunderhawk.

You receive an Epic scale Thunderhawk.

I insert Sgt. Centurius, (regretfully?)

You get a Centurion.

I insert C.S. Goto.

 snurl wrote:
You recieve a useless Fimir.

I insert some Squats.

Abit late but he should've recieved nothing a fimir is more useful than Justin bieber

Anyways you get a graham mcneil un assembled and unpainted

I insert a dwarven dreadfleet

You receive a bronze bowling ball.

I cuddle my chibi tzeench.
I insert Bob's glasses, revealing another underneath.

P.s
Justin beiber's music (some of it, NOT ALL) was not that bad.
The person himself however is uselesser (I don't think that is a word) than a pile of sticks.

You get a STC that can revive the Emperor.

I insert a restraining order.

You receive a set of ankle restraints inscribed with runes

I insert a talos

You get a Talon. StormTalon that is.

I insert some metal Praetorians.

You receive metal Predators. (The rhino variant.)

I insert an ipad.

You receive a bloody human eyeball.

I insert a drop of blood.

Youreceive a pool full of shiny brass coins.
Insert... My dignity.

You receive nothing... What happened there? Haha

I insert a drunken dwarf (with great difficulty)

You get vomit and blood, and beard hair.

I insert a miniature vending machine.

You receive a paradox that chops you in half.
I insert my dignity again. Wait didn't I already put it in?

You receive a WAAAAAAAGGHH.

I insert my lucky nipple tassels.

You recive two yarn puffballs.

I insert a bloodthirsty cinder block.

you receive a hungry block of cement.
I insert the shrouded lord (my space marine chapter master).

you receive a Q-tip

I insert my pencil

a space marine jumps out and yells "for the emperor!" and then looks around confused.
I insert sven from "frozen" (a reindeer)

You get a box of Bestigors.

I insert some snow.

you receive a letter written by christain westorn chandler.
I insert christain westorn chandler.

You get some snow.

I insert a movement tray.

You receive a plate of cookies.

I insert a grot.

You get a gnobblar.

I insert a Ravenwing chapter.

You a bunch of riderless bikes.

I insert a yo-mama-joke.

you get a your so fat joke


I insert my list of miniatures I need to paint before ordering more....

You get an invoice and a ransome note.

I insert some broken skeletons.

You get Warhammer Armies: Vampires Can't Count.

I insert Sword of Developer Slaying +14.

You receive boots of +6 terror.
I insert matt ward's adress.

You get a handwritten note, in the old script that simply reads "Just as planned... It is time, you know what you must do poppet!"
Well that explains a lot XD

I insert the still-beating heart of Ollanius Pius

You recieve rage cries from the entire internet and a healthy Pius.

I insert Shas'O Vior'la Shovah Kais Mont'yr.

You receive a giraffe. Full sized.
I insert matt's head, still dripping blood.

You receive a real functioning Dreadknight, piloted by Matt.

I insert my hopes and dreams.

You receive a bucket of lambs blood and a letter:
Dear human, please try again next time
Lots of love
Ares.

Your refusal to put something into the machine has angered the machine spirit. You receive a strongly worded (numbered?) letter, written in binary.

I insert a Husk Blade.

You receive a glass of water.

I insert Mork.

You get a dork.

I insert a paper clip

You receive a length of barbed wire

I insert my glasses

I received... OH EMPRA! WAS IS THAT AWFUL THING?

I insert Creed.

You get Metal Boxes.

I insert Styrofoam.

You get a box of plasticard

I enter a bolter shell

You receive a bolter shell... In your face.

I insert the Internet.

You get a voxcaster.

I insert useless leftover bits.

You get a Stompa

I insert a Metal Bawk

You get a GW Figure Case.

I insert fuzzy dice.

you get shaved dice

I inset monies

You receive the undying gratitude of Mr. Kirby. And a free Night Goblin to paint.

I insert Skullvane Manse

You get a CONDEMNED sign.

I insert my dice that are awaiting execution.

You recive dice that always roll the best possible result, then flip to the worst one.

I insert a killer monkey.

You receive Jane Goodall.

I insert a pair of diving fins.

You get a a hungry shark.

I insert a D&D Cleric.

You recive the Pope.

I insert the Pope.

You get the 40k rulebook.

I insert Warhammer Visions.

You get a piece of paper that has the url of Games Workshop's Flickr.

I insert a Snotling

You get a Kleenex.

I insert Artillery Dice.

You get a lit firecracker.

The entire Angry Marines Chapter.

You get credit for a free Battleforce Box.

I insert a blast template.

You get a scatter dice.

I send in an entire ant army, one by one.

You get a picnic basket.

I insert Warhammer Visions.

You get your monies back.

I insert snurl's Trust in Iron and Stone.

you receive a duck.
I insert a note:
[i]dear machine, I hate you. you are stupid and are probably matt ward's toilet.
you are full of mat ward's anal fudge.[i]

You receive a copy of Warhammer Visions.

I insert Battlefleet Gothic.

You receive Firestorm Armada.

I insert Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. (The band, not the albums or movie.)

You receive half of a love heart cookie, of which trazn owns the other half.
I insert a Zelociraptor. Real size. Still Alive. And a goat. AKA brunch.

You get a Carnosaur.
I insert MaCragge.

An Ork WAAAGH spills out of the Vending Machine.

I insert half of Australia.

Out come half a Kangaroo.

I insert a lock of Matt wards hair.

You get Medusa V.

I insert Abaddon.

You get a sleeveless t-shirt.

I insert a guitar amp.

You get an ear bud.

I insert some 'nids.

You receive a facehugger, in the face.
I insert the dead facehugger.

You recieve a Ripperjack.

I insert cardstock buildings.

You get a ream of light weight printer paper.

I insert a small child.

You receive an imperator class Titan (game scale).
I insert a pen. And paper. And an eraser, and a ruler, protractor, compass, pencil, USB, high lighters, sharpener, and a sawn off shotgun. Oh wait that's my pencil case, mehh.

You get a full set of classic Citadel AD&D miniatures.

I insert coffee.

You get a booger.

I insert my finger.

You get a bloody stump

I insert something I scraped off my shoe

You get a otyugh (trash/refuse monster)

I insert a cat-guy.

you receive furry porn,not just chicks with ears and tail either...
i insert a jirrafe.

You receive a jaffa cake.

I insert an empty paint pot.

you receive a killa kan.
i insert tomato sauce. inthose little fast food packet things.

You get fries.

I insert some nerf stairs. (random thing heard on tv)

You get a fern.

I insert a nickle.

You get a slottabase.

I insert a Gundam.

You receive a Subjugator of Slaanesh.

I insert Cultist-Chan.

You get four chan.
I insert lesbians.

You get a cup.

I insert snurl, once more!

You get him back.

I insert an empty soda bottle.

You get a Baneblade in a bottle.

I insert old metal dwarves.

You get fincast ones with more bubbles than a gallon of foam.

I insert a strange little idol.

You receive a turtle.
I insert an ankle style nose bleed.

You get a fine cast.

I insert Codex Tau.

A plasma bolt flies out of the vending machine, bypasses the tree you're hiding behind and kills you.

I insert myself into the machine, to find out it's secrets!

It turns you into a jock strap and spits you back out. You are picked up by an overweight minor league baseball player named Bubba.

I insert a piece of lint.

You get a bag of quality Citadelˇ Modeling Flock

I insert Cheerios.

You get a pack of lifesaver gummies.

I insert a chocolate eclair.

You get a rude burp.

I insert a Katamari.

You get a Katana.

I insert a battle mat.

You get Mat Ward.

I insert a booger.

You get a Diamond pickax.

I clone the vending machine, and insert the real one into the clone!!!

You realise your cloning machine has gone terribly wrong and a zombie vending machine jump from the vending machine.
I insehorus rising and flight of the Eisenstein.

You get Gotrek and Felix and the Blustery Day.

I insert Gandalf.

You get Sauramon.

I insert 4 of the Marx brothers: Harpo, Chico, Groucho, and Zeppo.

You get Larry, Moe, Curly, and Shemp.
I insert a Martini-Henry.

You get a pawn shop.

I insert that thing you wanted me to put into a mail box, but I got lazy/drunk and put it into a vending machine.

You get magazines from Publisher's Clearing House.

I insert a valentine.

You receive a bloody, beating heart.

I insert my old laptop computer.

Your grandmother receives your Internet history.
I inset a tomato bomb.

You get a shotgun blast of french fries to the face.

I insert the shrouded lord's entire hive fleet.

You get Hives.

I insert blood, for the blood god.

You get pus from Nurgle.

I insert a mug of tea.

You receive a large sack of dry leaves.

I insert Minecraft. Somehow. And brace for explosion.

You get a carrot on a stick.

I insert a piece of paper.

You get an official GW army roster sheet.
I insert the new gyrocopter.

You get a gyroscope.

I insert a broad sword.

You get a Great Weapon.
I insert the new Dwarf Book

You recive a compilation of evreything mantic has on their abyssal dwarves.

I insert my Physics class. Room, professor, classmates, me, EVREYTHING.

You get Matt wards latest codex

I insert a handfull of bolter shells

You get a Lazgun

I insert a mark of the Inquisition

You receive a cease and desist.

I insert a box of plastic Sisters.

You receive nothing. as you inserted nothing.

I insert gazgul.

You get a block of cheese.

I insert a box of gnoblars.

You receive grots.

I insert the previous poster.

You get slapped with a fish.

I insert a blast template.

You receive a flame template.

I insert the Chaos Space Marines codex

You get nerfed.

I insert a Citadel Realm of Battle.