Life’s been challenging lately, and I find myself in need of a smile. I’m not usually a “joke” guy, but I’m asking for jokes, so I’ll give away one that always makes me smile...
A bear and a rabbit both happened to be taking a poop behind the same bush. The rabbit was a tad uncomfortable, being a prey animal but also due to the robust nature of his companion’s untidy droppings. The bear was a bit embarrassed, noting the tidy nature of the rabbit’s evacuations. Timidly, the bear asked the rabbit, “Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?” Feeling particularly uncomfortable speaking to a predator while doing his business, the rabbit replied with a curt, “No Bear, I do not.” “That’s good,” replied the bear...
Spoiler:
then he picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.
I think my favorite joke of all time is the old "guy in a flood refuses rescue, god will protect me, goes to heaven, god asks what the hell are you doing here I sent you like three rescues" joke. Tried, but classic
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes on his way.
Some years later, the same man again breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allow him to stay in the VIP quarters. And that night, he hears the same strange noise that he heard years earlier.
The next morning he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at Parris Island and undergo several weeks of torturous training. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breathe the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp and advanced infantry training and is assigned to a Marine Expeditionary Unit. He is sent to fight in two small wars and three police actions.
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he heard that strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, country, and the Corps."
The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the base commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The base commander gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The commander gives him the key and he opens the door, only to find behind it a door made of rubies. He demands another key from the commander, who provides it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphires. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved no end. He unlocks the door and turns the knob, and behind that door, he is amazed to find the source of the strange sound.....
Spoiler:
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.
From George Carlin's airline announcements bit:
"It's time to get on the plane."
"Feth you, I'm getting IN the plane! There seems to be less wind in here!"
Like most people I like offensive jokes, jokes I wont repeat here, this is because offensive jokes are based on triblism and schadenfreude which are hard wired triggers to our brains built in since our ancestors banged rocks together.
Clean jokes are comparatively boring but if delivered well have great effect. Sadly too few so called comedians today know how to tell clean jokes, and some can only do schadenfreude. To tell the difference sit with your back to the screen and listen to a comic while on TV, note the inclusion of laughter sound files as well as live audience laughter. With some the difference will be very stark as if you had never heard the 'comic' before as you listen to what is in effect a stream of abuse. Sometimes you will find a real comedian, yes real comics tell dirty jokes and even some tribalist and schadenfreude jokes too, but heavily mitigated by humility and self aggrandizement. Any true comic will first poke fun at themselves, which is the second test.
For nearly all my life I had the privilege of knowing a true professional comedian, Ken Dodd, sadly missed.
Here are some of his one liners from his 52 year career, and yes, it was very much how he told 'em:
“I used to think I was marvellous in bed – until I discovered all my girlfriends suffered from asthma.”
“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.”
“Honolulu has got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother…”
"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move."
"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'."
"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'."
"They stole that idea from me" - Referring to the Inland Revenue and self-assessment of income tax.
Saw a great (if incredibly geeky) one the other day.
A man goes into a library and asks if they have anything on Pavlov's dog or Shrodinger's cat. The librarian says it rings a bell, but he doesn't know if they have it or not.
A bunch of friends were having a bbq one Saturday,
when one of the guys longingly watched the host's dog lick his balls.
"Jeez, I'd love to be able to do that." The host then said,
"Well, you better ask him first, he's kinda mean....."
You'd think ONE of them would have seen it and ducked.
A streaker ran past three nuns who were sitting on a park bench.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun wasn't quick enough.
This just reminds me of all the funny church billboards you can find on the internet... Which I probably can't repeat cause no religion? Just google it. There's some really funny ones and some really brilliant ones too. My personal favorite involves questioning why someone didn't swat a pair of mosquitos and save us all the trouble
LordofHats wrote: This just reminds me of all the funny church billboards you can find on the internet... Which I probably can't repeat cause no religion? Just google it. There's some really funny ones and some really brilliant ones too. My personal favorite involves questioning why someone didn't swat a pair of mosquitos and save us all the trouble
That reminds me of a funny commercial. I don't even remember what they were advertising, but it showed Noah loading all the animals onto the ark, and when he closed the door he turned around and slapped a mosquito. Then he looked and saw another mosquito flying alone in a glass jar, and it ended with a shot of Noah going back out in the rain to find another mosquito.
So, a group of blondes were gathered around celebrating, and I wanted to see why. When I got close, they were all jumping for joy holding up a child's puzzle of Cookie Monster and shouting "60 days!" over and over. I went over to ask why they were so overjoyed, and they told me "We finished that puzzle in just 60 days! The box it came in said 2-3 years!"
A swiss, an arab, an french and a american are in a plane.
Suddenly, the pilot says "we're too heavy, all the passenger have to drop something".
The american takes billions of dollars and he says : "We got enough of this, i can drop freely"
Then the french drops cheese and says : ""We got enough of this"
The arab drop gallon of oil and says : "We got too much of this"
and the swiss was embarassed, he thought a lot, then he took the french guy and drops him through the windows and says : "We got enough of them"
This is a timeless classic.
The french is replacable by german or italian.
Did we mention that we are sometimes dicks to our relatives?
The American version I learned in elementary school was more or less the following:
A passenger plane is flying over the Atlantic. One of the four engines quits, but the pilots come on the speaker and say "Don't worry folks, we've got three engines, we're fine."
An hour later another engine dies. The pilots are forced to jettison some luggage but are otherwise okay, and once again announce "Don't worry folks, we've got two engines, we'll be late but we can still make it."
Shortly after, a third engine dies. Now the plane is in a dire situation. The pilots come on the speaker "Folks, we're down to one engine and we're not going to make it if we don't lose some weight. We've ditched all the cargo, so we need four adults to willingly jump from the plane. We're a commercial plane so we don't have any parachutes."
The mood in the cabin is sombre. Eventually a Frenchman stands up, walks to the emergency exit. "Vive la France." and he leaps out of the plane to this death. Moments later an Englishman stands up, walks calmly to the door. "Long live the Queen." and he hurls himself out. A Russian stands up and walks to the door. "For Mother Russia!". He leaps to his death.
Finally an American stands up, walks up to the door. "Remember the Alamo!" He grabs the nearest Mexican and throws him out the door.
Elbows wrote: The American version I learned in elementary school was more or less the following:
I guess every country or area has their own. ;-)
The Nordic version has a Dane, a Finn, a Norwegian and a Swede in a hot air balloon. The gas burner develops a problem they can't fix and it's clear they'll crash unless they lose one person - with three the balloon should be able to reach a safe landing. After looking at each other for a while the other three grab the Swede and throw him out while shouting "long live Nordic cooperation".
But let's try something lighter. A soccer mom, an accountant and a lawyer were all asked for the answer to 2+2. The soccer mom, after thinking a moment, said "four". The accountant shifted a bit, said "It could be three or four, I'll have to go through the books to be sure". The lawyer stood up, closed the window, then whispered "how much do you want it to be?"...
I can't take credit for this one, but I think it's hilarious! Here goes:
A woman promised to be home to her husband by midnight after attending an office party. However, she had a few too many drinks and ended up not getting home until 3AM. As she stumbled in the door, she heard the cuckoo clock chime 3 times. Thinking quickly, she imitated the cuckoo clock sound 9 more times to fool her husband into thinking she got home at midnight.
The next morning, the woman's husband asked what time she got home the previous night. She answered, "Midnight", and the husband accepted it.
But then, he told her, "Honey, we need a new cuckoo clock." When the wife asked, "Why?" the husband replied, "Well, last night at midnight the clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'Oh gak', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 more times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, fell over the coffee table and farted."
The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
AndrewGPaul wrote: The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
This joke is predicated on a Little Rich Jew stereotype. Is that ok...?
Well, I got it from a jewish news site, so probably. In any case, the jewishness of the third person is irrelevant ( hadn't actually noticed until you replied); that just happened to be the first one that turned up in a Goiogle search in an easily-quoted form. It's actually the first time I've seen it refer to jews.
One I like that's actually clean enough to post...
An Australian farmer and a Welsh farmer are talking. The Australian farmer brags "You know, mate - it takes me *all day* to drive around my farm..."
The Welsh farmer replies "Yeah, I used to have a tractor like that..."
AndrewGPaul wrote: The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
I know this one, but with a french a german and a swiss.
AndrewGPaul wrote: Well, I got it from a jewish news site, so probably. In any case, the jewishness of the third person is irrelevant ( hadn't actually noticed until you replied); that just happened to be the first one that turned up in a Goiogle search in an easily-quoted form. It's actually the first time I've seen it refer to jews.
And not to go off topic...but that's kind of the entire point of jokes. You're poking fun at something. No one is special enough to not be made fun of.
AndrewGPaul wrote: The one about the rich guys in the plane reminds me of this:
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
This joke is predicated on a Little Rich Jew stereotype. Is that ok...?
I guess we'll find out. I didn't find it offensive, myself, but it did remind me of another Texan and Jew joke:
A Texan and an Israeli were waiting at an airport when they began to talk. It turns out they are both farmers.
The Texan said, "My acreage is so large that I can get in my car in the morning and drive until sunset and still be on my farm."
The Israeli replied, "I had a car like that once."
.....well, I was ninja'd.
A slightly more edgy joke:
One day Herschel looked over his friend's shoulder to see what he was reading on his phone. He was shocked and dismayed. "Solomon, you're reading Stormfront? Why are you reading Stormfront??"
Solomon thought a minute and replied: "I used to read CNN, but it was so depressing. The economy sucks, people are suffering, our children have no hope, anti-semitism is on the rise, and it seems like we Jews can't catch a break. But when I read Stormfront, we have all the money, make all the movies, and control the whole world! How great is that?"
Automatically Appended Next Post:
NinthMusketeer wrote: What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?
Out in the forest there's a fly above a stream, looking at a bit of food floating on the water. It's thinking "If I go down to the water's surface, I can get that food."
But there's a fish watching the fly, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can eat the fly."
Yet there's a bear watching the fish, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food and the fish comes up to get the fly, I can lean over and catch that fish."
And there's a hunter watching the bear, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear leans to catch the fish, I can shoot the bear."
Further, there's a mouse watching the hunter, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear leans to catch the fish, and the hunter focuses on shooting the bear, I can steal his sandwich."
Finally, there's a cat watching the mouse, thinking "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear leans to catch the fish, the hunter focuses to shoot the bear, and the mouse scurries out to steal his sandwich, I can pounce to get the mouse."
The fly, blissfully unaware, buzzes down to get the food. The fish darts up and gulps down the fly, at which point the bear swipes it out of the water only to be shot by the hunter, while the mouse scurries out and grabs his sandwich. The cat pounces, misses, and slides into the water.
A slightly more edgy joke:
One day Herschel looked over his friend's shoulder to see what he was reading on his phone. He was shocked and dismayed. "Solomon, you're reading Stormfront? Why are you reading Stormfront??"
Solomon thought a minute and replied: "I used to read CNN, but it was so depressing. The economy sucks, people are suffering, our children have no hope, anti-semitism is on the rise, and it seems like we Jews can't catch a break. But when I read Stormfront, we have all the money, make all the movies, and control the whole world! How great is that?"
This is pretty damn funny.
I think I've seen one with a similar format, but the names in the joke was Jesus ("Hesus") and Ceasar, the website is InfoWars and its instead about how Latinos can bring down any country at will
Germans have no sense of humour. I will try anyway. Here we go:
Three old ladies enter an empty public swimming pool and begin to swim. The first lady leaves the swimming pool after 1 hour. The male bath keeper is astonished about her impressing performance. She notices his baffled look and tells him the following:
First Old Lady: "I was a national swimming champion in my prime."
The second lady leaves the swimming pool after 2 hours. The male bath keeper is even more impressed by her performance.
She notices his bewildered look and tells him the following:
Second Old Lady: "I was an European swimming champion in my prime."
The third lady leaves the swimming pool after 3 hours. The male bath keeper is amazed by her performance but before she can say anything he decides to be a smartass and confronts her directly:
Bath Keeper: "Let me guess, you were a swimming world champion in your prime, didn´t you?"
But she just shakes her head in denial and replies:
Third Old Lady: "No, I was working in Venice as a prostitute and had to swim the whole day just to visit my clients."
A priest and a bus driver arrive before St. Peter at the same time. St. Peter tells the bus driver he can go right on into heaven. When the priest moves to follow the bus driver, St. Peter holds him back. "Not you."
The priest is astonished. "But I have always been humble and holy. He is uncouth, careless and quick to anger! Which of us has saved more souls."
St. Peter replied, "When you gave a sermon, everybody fell sleep; when he drove, everybody prayed."
Did you hear the one about the baby boy born with no eyelids?
They flew in a world-class surgeon to perform a cutting-edge operation where he used the boy's circumcised foreskin to create new eyelids and graft them on.
The surgery was a resounding success - except the boy grew up to be a little cock-eyed.
Famously, Lorenna Bobbit cut off her husband’s penis. What is lesser-known is that testimonial from a witness had to be discarded.
The joke is fairly drawn out... Lorena is driving away with the penis when she throws it out the window and hits a lady right in the eyes. When the lady later identified Lorena, her testimony was discredited because of her vision impairment... she was cock-eyed at the time.
That's a classic that makes the civilized part of me hate the snort-chuckle it still raises out of me.
Another oldie but goodie:
A private was devastated to receive a Dear John letter from his fiance telling him she was in love with another man and asking for her photo back. Understandably miffed, the private went around to the rest of his platoon and collected every picture of their girlfriends and sent it back in a large envelope containing both hers and the other girl's pictures. Attached was a letter:
Spoiler:
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”
I tend to find humour a lot funnier when someone doesn't have to be made fun of because of a collective attribute. If the joke works perfectly fine without ethnicity, why include it in the first place?
A nurse gives a patient a general exam, finishes, goes to write up the chart, pulls a rectal thermometer from her pocket and swears: "Some donkey-caves got my pen".
AlmightyWalrus wrote: I tend to find humour a lot funnier when someone doesn't have to be made fun of because of a collective attribute. If the joke works perfectly fine without ethnicity, why include it in the first place?
A man jumped off the Pont Neuf. He was in Seine.
IMO, I'm ok with "stereotype humor" up to a point. . . I mean, a Jewish person making "Jew jokes" is funny. Another random person, especially if they start to really ride those jokes too much makes you start wondering. But the best stand up comics (a subjective term to be sure) can take even a racial/nationality based topic and make it relatable. George Lopez and Jeff Foxworthy spring to mind, as a lot of their routines involved their family, but were delivered in such a way that, even tho Mr. Lopez is talking about Mexicans, I can relate because incredibly similar stuff happens in my family as well.
Walking Dead joke in German derived from a meme or what those young rascals call ´em. Don´t worry, I´ll provide the translation & explanation:
Ric Grimes:"Carl, warum können Piraten den Flächeninhalt eines Kreises nicht berechnen?"
"Carl, why are pirates incapable of determining the area of a circle?"
Carl Grimes:"Papa, ich will es nicht wissen."
"Dad, I don´t want to know."
Ric:"Weil sie Piraten, Carl."
Ric:"PIRATEN!"
Explanation:
Pi: Mathematic constant.
raten: German verb (engl.: to guess)
"To guess" would make more sense in english if the joke was that pirates are very good at determining the areas of circles.
No.
Piraten can´t determine the area of the circle because they always try to guess/raten Pi instead of applying it as a constant. Makes sense if you view it in that way.
"To guess" would make more sense in english if the joke was that pirates are very good at determining the areas of circles.
That happens a lot with German. It's a language and people that are much given to puns. As part of an Irish reenactment group it was a learning experience being amongst germans as they joked. One German would start the joke, another would yell out a one word punchline, and the whole group would crack up. Even if you could figure out the punchline by itself you still had no idea what was going on.
Let´s have another German joke. Though this works best when told to a woman and it is even interactive. So grab your sister, girl friend, wife, female colleague, female stranger on the bus etc. and have fun together. Here we go:
Dude: "Why do women like men with Waschbrettbäuche?" (Waschbrett, engl.: wash board; Bäuche, engl.: Bellies; Waschbrettbauch, engl.: six pack)
Dudette: "I dunno. Looks good on men?"
Dude:"WRONG! It reminds them of their domestic duties."
Strg Alt wrote: Let´s have another German joke. Though this works best when told to a woman and it is even interactive. So grab your sister, girl friend, wife, female colleague, female stranger on the bus etc. and have fun together. Here we go:
Dude: "Why do women like men with Waschbrettbäuche?" (Waschbrett, engl.: wash board; Bäuche, engl.: Bellies; Waschbrettbauch, engl.: six pack)
Dudette: "I dunno. Looks good on men?"
Dude:"WRONG! It reminds them of their domestic duties."
Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says " I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."
So, the three set off to find ten pieces of fruit. The first one comes back and says "I have brought before you ten apples."
The king looks at him right in the eye and says, "I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only then will I set you free."
With some hesitation the first man starts to perform his task...
One...two... and he winced.
Sure enough, the king snapped his figures, and the first man was chopped up and cooked up for dinner.
The second man comes before the king, "I have brought ten blueberries."
The same response left the king's mouth," I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only the will I set you free."
One two three for five six seven eight...... and he laughed!
With the quick snap of his fingers, the second man was chopped up and cooked up for the next meal.
The two men meet up in heaven, and the first man asked the second man, " what in the world happened?? You could of made it off the island and told our families what happened to all of us! What in the world was so funny that caused you to laugh?"
The second man shrugged and said, " I saw the third guy carrying pineapples..."
For one thing, unless you have more than one favourite joke, you’re missing the thread title.
Second, I’m looking for the favourite, best jokes. Something that gets you more than just a “ha”. Like, a four-ha minimum kind of joke. Not just a one liner but a real set’em up, knock’em down joke.
So many jokes over the years...um, this one always comes to mind though. Its from the end of Batman's The Killing Joke. Not all that struck on the story itself but this put a smile on my face, and that it fit Bat's proposition quite well...
My friend was giving her final presentation in our Grade 11 History class. She had decided to do her presentation on Ancient Pottery, and that was the first line of her presentation. I laughed for probably 3-4 minutes in class while everyone, including the teacher, looked at me bewildered. They asked what was so funny, and between gulps of breath I managed to blurt out, "Ceramics are very versa-TILE!"
Everyone groaned, but to this day, even though it was unintentional, it is the funniest pun I've ever experienced in the wild.
Went into a German newagent and saw that the magazines and newspapers were all arranged alphabetically with letter tags on each row.
So going over to the counter and asked "Why the letter tags on each row, its like walking into a library not a newsagent?"
The storekeeper winced and looked troubled, but then replied "Because last week someone came in and told me 'Your papers are not in order.'"
For one thing, unless you have more than one favourite joke, you’re missing the thread title.
Second, I’m looking for the favourite, best jokes. Something that gets you more than just a “ha”. Like, a four-ha minimum kind of joke. Not just a one liner but a real set’em up, knock’em down joke.
So please, four-ha minimum jokes only.
If you are asking for the kinds of jokes that make me laugh a lot, then i'm afraid that you're only going to get really, really bad ones. (and by bad i don't mean offensive i mean genuinely not good jokes, the worst.)
I grew up on a diet of Irish jokes. Here’s a favourite of mine; Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick: “if you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag you can have them both”.
The Forgemaster wrote: Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says " I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."
So, the three set off to find ten pieces of fruit. The first one comes back and says "I have brought before you ten apples."
The king looks at him right in the eye and says, "I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only then will I set you free."
With some hesitation the first man starts to perform his task...
One...two... and he winced.
Sure enough, the king snapped his figures, and the first man was chopped up and cooked up for dinner.
The second man comes before the king, "I have brought ten blueberries."
The same response left the king's mouth," I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only the will I set you free."
One two three for five six seven eight...... and he laughed!
With the quick snap of his fingers, the second man was chopped up and cooked up for the next meal.
The two men meet up in heaven, and the first man asked the second man, " what in the world happened?? You could of made it off the island and told our families what happened to all of us! What in the world was so funny that caused you to laugh?"
The second man shrugged and said, " I saw the third guy carrying pineapples..."
We have plenty of "An American, a Russian, and Czech guy" jokes, so here's one. It usually works on stereotypes and the Czech guy overcomes the situation in an unusual manner.
An American, Russian and a Czech man gets caught by cannibals. The cannibal king gives them one last wish before they kill them and make a boat out of their skin.
American wishes to fire a machinegun for one more time.
Granted, they give him a machinegun and when the ammo runs dry, he gets killed.
Russian guy wished for a bottle of vodka. Granted, he's given a bottle and he gulps it down in one go. Then he's killed.
Last, the Czech guy. He wishes for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but he's given a fork anyway. The Czech begins to stab himself with the fork while screaming "No boat for you, motherduckers!"
The shop owner greets him: "Sir, can I help you, what are you looking for today?"
The man replies "I have no idea yet, I am looking for a birthday present. It should be something special."
The shop owner points to a strange looking bronze figurine of a rat, standing on its back feet. " Look at that statue, I just received this one in a package from overseas.
" I don't know, it seems a bit ugly, don't you think?".
"I will give it to you for just 50 Dollars, But if you want to hear the magnificent, true story behind this statue, you will have to give me 5000 Dollars."
The man considers both the shop owner and the rat statue with a puzzled look, hands him 50 Dollars, takes the statue under one arm and leaves the shop.
On his way to the car, he suddenly notices a little squeak behind him. A rat is sitting behind him watching the statue under his arm. He continues his way through the city, and more an more rats start following him. Soon he is engulfed by rats, and in his desperation, when he crosses a bridge, he throws the statue down into the river. All the rats follow the statue, jumping in the river to be dragged away forever.
Breathless he hurries back to the antiques shop, where the shop owner waits for him with a broad smile on his face.
"Now you would like to hear the story, don't you?"
"Actually I wanted to ask if you have any *LAWYER* statues?"
I'm glad I reached the four-ha level joke.
Another one, a proof we are not only self-stabbing sadists, but we joke about everything, every time, all the time.
Again, A Czech, Russian and American guy gets caught by cannibals, but they are given three crystal spheres and told that if they do something the cannibal king never saw, they are free to go.
A week later, they visit the American. He juggles the balls masterfully, but the king is not amused and orders him to be killed.
Next, Russian. The three spheres levitate above him, but the king already saw this, so he has him killed and eaten.
Last the Czech. The king gets inside the hut, but half a minute later he's out, looking horrified.
"Well, I never saw this. That idiot lost one of them and broke the other two!"
I also don't fully understand the question. What does the 'um' mean? And does the HRE mean Holy Roman Empire?
HRE yes holy Roman empire.
Um is meant to be up. Autocorrect is my bane.
The jokes based upon the rough three phases of the HRE /A-H empire, beer when everything was going well, schnapps when the whole thing started turning on fire and people getting thrown out of Windows and whine of course when the royalist whined after the break down of the A-H empire.
It's about a week after the Master's golf tournament and it's a quiet day at Augusta National golf course, so Jesus Christ and Moses decide to pop down and play a few holes.
They start at a nice little Par 3, over water. Jesus asks Moses for his 8 iron and Moses says, "Lord. Son of Man. I love you and adore you but I think you need to reconsider the 8 iron. Maybe go with the 6 instead."
Jesus turns to Moses and says, "No, no. It'll be fine. I saw Tiger Woods just last week play this hole and he put an 8 iron within inches of the cup. I've got this."
Jesus tees it up and gives it a good whack, but he hits it a bit thin and puts it straight into the water."
Sheepishly, he turns to Moses and says, "Moses I need to go get my ball, can you sort out the water for me?"
Moses obliges and parts the water as Jesus retrieves his ball.
Back on the tee, Jesus reaches for his 8 iron again and Moses chimes up, "You know, Lord of Hosts. Light of light. Almighty Savior. I love and worship you, but you're just asking too much out of the 8 iron. Please, give the 6 iron a chance."
Christ retorts, "No, no. Moses, it's okay. This last weekend, during the Master's, Tiger almost holed his tee shot using his 8 iron. I've got this."
So Moses sighs as The Lord tees it up and swings with his 8 iron. This time he hits it just right and it's looking good, but at the last moment a light breeze checks up the shot and it drops in the water just short.
Jesus shrugs and looks over to a resigned Moses and says, "Moses would you mind doing that thing you do with the water again, I need go get my ball."
Moses reluctantly parts the water hazard once again and Jesus collects his ball.
Once again back at the tee box, Jesus again grabs his 8 iron and tees up his ball. Just as he begins to set his stance, Moses chimes up. "Son of God. Alpha and Omega. I am your most loyal and loving servant, but this is getting ridiculous. Please, I beg you, use the 6 iron...I think it'll work for you."
Jesus replies, "Moses, seriously. I've got this shot. Tiger, just days ago, put his 8 iron right next to the hole. I can do this."
"Fine.", replies and exasperated Moses, "But if you splash this one, then you're on your own. No more aquatic miracles."
"Relax, I've got this.", says the Lord as he lines up his tee shot.
Jesus takes his shot. The swing is perfect. The ball sails towards it's target but just doesn't have enough on it and down into the water it goes. Christ lays down his club on his bag and heads down to the water to find his ball.
Meanwhile, a foursome of players come riding up to the tee box where Moses is standing, watching the Lord as he walks on the water looking down for his errant ball.
One of the players looks out and sees Jesus walking upon the water in search of his ball and as he walks up to the tee box, he says to Moses, "Who does that guy out there think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses looks to the man and replies, "That is Jesus Christ. The problem is, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
“If you are ever caught out on the course in a lightning storm, hold your 1 iron above your head and you’ll be safe from lightning strikes. Even God can’t hit a 1 iron”
(I don’t play golf, but it struck me as funny, might be getting the club wrong. From the above joke, it might be the eight)
BigWaaagh wrote: It's about a week after the Master's golf tournament and it's a quiet day at Augusta National golf course, so Jesus Christ and Moses decide to pop down and play a few holes.
They start at a nice little Par 3, over water. Jesus asks Moses for his 8 iron and Moses says, "Lord. Son of Man. I love you and adore you but I think you need to reconsider the 8 iron. Maybe go with the 6 instead."
Jesus turns to Moses and says, "No, no. It'll be fine. I saw Tiger Woods just last week play this hole and he put an 8 iron within inches of the cup. I've got this."
Jesus tees it up and gives it a good whack, but he hits it a bit thin and puts it straight into the water."
Sheepishly, he turns to Moses and says, "Moses I need to go get my ball, can you sort out the water for me?"
Moses obliges and parts the water as Jesus retrieves his ball.
Back on the tee, Jesus reaches for his 8 iron again and Moses chimes up, "You know, Lord of Hosts. Light of light. Almighty Savior. I love and worship you, but you're just asking too much out of the 8 iron. Please, give the 6 iron a chance."
Christ retorts, "No, no. Moses, it's okay. This last weekend, during the Master's, Tiger almost holed his tee shot using his 8 iron. I've got this."
So Moses sighs as The Lord tees it up and swings with his 8 iron. This time he hits it just right and it's looking good, but at the last moment a light breeze checks up the shot and it drops in the water just short.
Jesus shrugs and looks over to a resigned Moses and says, "Moses would you mind doing that thing you do with the water again, I need go get my ball."
Moses reluctantly parts the water hazard once again and Jesus collects his ball.
Once again back at the tee box, Jesus again grabs his 8 iron and tees up his ball. Just as he begins to set his stance, Moses chimes up. "Son of God. Alpha and Omega. I am your most loyal and loving servant, but this is getting ridiculous. Please, I beg you, use the 6 iron...I think it'll work for you."
Jesus replies, "Moses, seriously. I've got this shot. Tiger, just days ago, put his 8 iron right next to the hole. I can do this."
"Fine.", replies and exasperated Moses, "But if you splash this one, then you're on your own. No more aquatic miracles."
"Relax, I've got this.", says the Lord as he lines up his tee shot.
Jesus takes his shot. The swing is perfect. The ball sails towards it's target but just doesn't have enough on it and down into the water it goes. Christ lays down his club on his bag and heads down to the water to find his ball.
Meanwhile, a foursome of players come riding up to the tee box where Moses is standing, watching the Lord as he walks on the water looking down for his errant ball.
One of the players looks out and sees Jesus walking upon the water in search of his ball and as he walks up to the tee box, he says to Moses, "Who does that guy out there think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses looks to the man and replies, "That is Jesus Christ. The problem is, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
I got a chuckle out of that. The problem with religious jokes is they often end up nasty and rude. This one is tastefully funny and ridiculously enjoyable.
The biggest joke in this thread is the moderation. Blatantly antisemitic jokes are apparently fine with the mods, as are misogynist jokes, jokes bashing the French, and jokes insinuating all people of Irish descent are alcoholics. But at least two posts mocking right-wing populists have been removed. Because God forbid we offend Boris fething Johnson.
(No, I'm not offended by any of those other jokes, nor do I want any of them removed. Some of them are even funny. I just don't think the mods should be protecting the fee-fees of one particular political viewpoint while completely ignoring the normal rules for the rest of the thread.)
nareik wrote: The problem with defaulting on payments to your exorcist is that your home might be repossessed.
I chuckkled more at this than i should.
Time to get my absolvement.
Automatically Appended Next Post:
Duskweaver wrote: The biggest joke in this thread is the moderation. Blatantly antisemitic jokes are apparently fine with the mods, as are misogynist jokes, jokes bashing the French, and jokes insinuating all people of Irish descent are alcoholics. But at least two posts mocking right-wing populists have been removed. Because God forbid we offend Boris fething Johnson.
(No, I'm not offended by any of those other jokes, nor do I want any of them removed. Some of them are even funny. I just don't think the mods should be protecting the fee-fees of one particular political viewpoint while completely ignoring the normal rules for the rest of the thread.)
Irony thine name is dakka moderation.
Jokes aside the first class of jokes fine since they are older then current politics and therefore fine to be discussed.
Whilest Johnson and others are too recent and divisive it seems.
Altough it is sad because that limits all actual satire coming out as unaceptable.
The mods have always been selective in how they apply the rules. It’s why some posters got away with murder in the politics threads whilst others got reprimanded for doing feth all. Then you had some mods violating rule 1 themselves but hey whatever, just shut up and mind your own business. It is a complete joke, but one that I’m not laughing at.
Anyway,
“Doctor Doctor, I’ve got a steering wheel in my underpants!”
Businessman is at a bar drunker then hell when he suddenly throws up all over his shirt
Businessman say “ this is a new shirt my wife is going to kill me”
Bartender replied “ take $20 out of you wallet, put it your shirt pocket... when you get home tell your wife some guy threw up on you and gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned”
Businessman say “ great idea!”
Businessman gets home and his wife says “ what happen to your shirt?”
Businessman replies “ some guy threw up on me and gave me $20 to get my shirt cleaned” as the man shows his wife the money from his shirt pocket
She says “” that a 50!”
Businessman says “ oh yeah, he gak in my pants too!”
Somewhere in between the last bar they visited and home, they feel an urgent need to pee. They are still too far away from home, but there is a cemetary nearby, so they decide to go into the bushes there.
"for god's sake, I need a wipe" " Use your panties and throw it away, as I did". "Can't, it was a present from my husband."
Then look for something else".
The next day, both of their husbands are out for a drink.
"My wife was so drunk yesterday night! I wonder what she did! When she came home, she did not even wear panties under her skirt!"
"That's nothing, mine had a note stuck in her panties, "Forever in our thoughts, 4th tank batallion"
Ahh frig it! I'll do it! From Sseth Tzeentach's Mount and Blade review
She keeps shouting at me using big words like genocide. I keep reminding her those were Swadian Villagers. It wasn't genocide, it was pesticide. (sorry, I have a super dark sense of humour)
Also this
Comrade-leader: we are here today to discuss the fact that Communism is the greatest thing since sliced bread, comrades.
Comrade: that'd be great if it wasn't so long since I last got to eat bread...or anything.
Comrade-leader: kill him.
Guard shoots poor comrade.
Comrade-leader: now 2,000 years in gulag for him.
Guard: but he's dead, sir.
Comrade-leader draws his pistol and shoots the guard between the eyes.
Comrade-leader: did I stutter, comrade? 10,000 years in gulag for both of them now. Anyone else want a bullet and 10,000 years in Gulag?
Ten people step forward and comrade-leader seems shocked then he turns to his remaining guard.
Comrade-leader: you...have any bullets in your gun, comrade?
Secretary:
"Mr. Stalin, there is a man who wishes to speak with you. He claims he's a fortuneteller and he wants to foretell the future to you and the Soviet Union."
Stalin:
"To gulag with him!"
Secretary:
"But sir, he wants...
Stalin:
"Look Natascha, if he really was a fortuneteller, he wouldn't come in the first place."
Ca. 1965, American and Russian arguing about which country is better.
The American argues, In the USA, we have political freedom. Why, I could walk straight into the White House and say, “Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running America!”
The Russian retorts, Oh, that’s nothing special, I could do exactly same. I could walk straight into Kremlin and say, “Mr. Premier, I don’t like the way the president is running America!”
I first saw this when GWB was in office but I can't be bothered to edit it on mobile.
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."
Jesus Christ walks into a bar, hands the barman three nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Damnit, I remember that scene. I still chuckle at it just for the memory alone.
Since leaving a joke seems to be a requirement to post in here, here's one adopted for 40k
Rubius Calanthrax wasn't the the brightest space marine in the UltraMarines, or the most cautious. Indeed, his general foolishness, gullibility, and lack of adherence to even the basic principles of the Codex Astartes was legendary even amongst the officer corp. Despite this, the codex demanded that Rubius could only spend so long in the scout company and was soon promoted into a battle line company. Despite having received this honor, the Adeptus Mechancicum refused to issue the new marine a suit of power armor. Confused as to what to do, Rubius explained the issue to his sargent.
The sargent, secretly agreeing with the Mechanicum on this one issue, just took Rubius aside as told him; "Look, here's what you do. When we go into battle, just shout 'My Faith is My Armor' really loud and the bullets won't hurt you". The sargent didn't believe this of course, but figured the enemy couldn't fail to solve the problem of the idiot marine for him in the next battle.
So Rubius deploys alongside his squad, clad only in his loincloth and shouting 'My Faith is My Armor!' really loud. To his squad's amazement, enemy las-rounds bounce right off his oiled skin and Rubius is one of the few marines to make it through the battle unscathed. The sargent is still trying to figure out how this idiot marine survived when Rubius darkens his door again.
"Sargent", he says, "The Mechanicum won't issue me a bolter"
I can't have this idiot issued a bolter, the sargent thinks, he'll kill more of us than the enemy. So he relies on what's worked before. "Look here Rubius," He says, "When we deploy, just point your finger at the enemy and say 'Bang! Bang!'. You'll be fine, I promise"
Rubius nodes sagely at the advice, and in the next battle against the Tau, strides out of the drop pod shouting "My Faith is My Armor! Bang! Bang!"
To everyone's amazement the Tau start dropping dead. Everywhere Rubius points, the Tau start falling in droves with every 'Bang! Bang!' uttered. Rubius achieves a kill rating worthy of a champion, despite an accidental discharge of his finger into Brother Tiburius's foot.
Figuring that this turn of events is still safer than Rubius being issued a real bolter, the sargent is unsuprised when Rubius darkens his door again. "Sargent", he complains, "The Mechancium won't issue my a gladius to go with my finger"
The sargent just throws up his hands and looks Rubius square in the eyes, "I understand Rubius. If the enemy gets close, gets slash at them with your finger and shout 'Slashity-Slash!' really loud"
Rubius takes this in stride and in their next battle against Chaos, comes roaring out of the battlements shouting "My Faith is My Armor! Bang! Bang!". Chaos cultists collapse in thier hundreds. The Black legion shows up, but Rubius just continues shouting "My Faith is My Armor! Bang! Bang!" and even they fall under the onslaught of the finger-bolters. Things gets tense as the battle lines close, but Rubius can be seen at the front of his squad, charging in his loincloth and slashing with his fingers, shouting "Bang! Bang! Slashity-Slash!". Legionaries die at his feet, unable to penetrate his faith-filled armor or resist the power of his slashing fingers. Finally they start to give ground. Roaring his hate Rubio turns to the biggest of the Chaos Marines, a massive trans-human also clad only in a loincloth and shouts 'Bang! Bang!'
To his surprise, the brute keeps coming. Rubius is unperturbed for the moment and just aims again 'Bang! Bang!' he shouts.
The brute doesn't even flinch, just keeps walking forward with his shoulders hunched.
Rubius doesn't know what else to do, so he charges the enemy in combat, "Bang! Bang! Slashity-Slash!" he roars.
The brute doesn't fall down or react. Instead he just keeps coming forward, until at last his walks over Rubius, squashing him into the mud and ending one of the Ultramarines greatest champions in a single footfall. With his last breath, Rubius looks up and can see that the massive chaos marine is uttering a single thing, over and over again.
While on the subject of The Crow. It’s not a joke per se, but a scene towards the end. Big Bad discovers that Dude’s immortality is due to the crow-spirit-guide . So he gets a sniper to shoot the bird. Dude confronts Big Bad, visibly weakened.
Big Bad: “Hey, let me do an impression for you. Caw-caw!
*puts hands together, flaps like a bird*
Bang! feth, I’m dead!”
* Throws hands to the ground*
- That is, for me, in context, both the funniest and downright villainous taunt I’ve ever seen in a movie. I howled with laughter. I was probably the only one, but I just gave myself four ha’s for remembering it so I thought I’d share.
While on the subject of The Crow. It’s not a joke per se, but a scene towards the end. Big Bad discovers that Dude’s immortality is due to the crow-spirit-guide . So he gets a sniper to shoot the bird. Dude confronts Big Bad, visibly weakened.
Big Bad: “Hey, let me do an impression for you. Caw-caw!
*puts hands together, flaps like a bird*
Bang! feth, I’m dead!”
* Throws hands to the ground*
- That is, for me, in context, both the funniest and downright villainous taunt I’ve ever seen in a movie. I howled with laughter. I was probably the only one, but I just gave myself four ha’s for remembering it so I thought I’d share.
Literally everything that actor did in that movie was genius. It should be handed to everyone intending to play a villain.
An agnostic dies and goes up to the pearly gates. Jesus meets him and tells him he has to go to hell because he's not perfect and without accepting Jesus he can't get in heaven because only by accepting Jesus as his lord can get get into heaven being imperfect.
The guy says "But you're not perfect either and you're in heaven."
Jesus says "I am absolutely perfect in all ways. "
They guy says "I can do something you can't. So you can't be perfect . "
Jesus says "if you can do something I can't you can get into heaven. "
So the guy puts his hands together and starts making fart sounds with them.
***
Donald trump is visiting a first grade class that is discussing words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you exploded at 40,000 feet that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Automatically Appended Next Post:
Future War Cultist wrote: The mods have always been selective in how they apply the rules. It’s why some posters got away with murder in the politics threads whilst others got reprimanded for doing feth all. Then you had some mods violating rule 1 themselves but hey whatever, just shut up and mind your own business. It is a complete joke, but one that I’m not laughing at.
Anyway,
“Doctor Doctor, I’ve got a steering wheel in my underpants!”
“Oh really?!”
“Yeah, they’re driving me nuts!”
Yeah a friend of mine warned me abut this place when I said I was going to join. He said there was a user here who was a real donkey-cave who just locked in on newbies and harassed them but had a 2+++ save vs rule and mods.
I looked that user up in order to block him but he seems not to have posted in a while. I wonder if he finally got banned.
Just yesterday I met a fine Jewish girl. I couldn't help myself and asked for her number. Suddenly she became very angry and said to me:
"We don't have numbers anymore. We have names."
Automatically Appended Next Post: I tried to talk to a friend of mine via phone in France but to no avail.
As I put down the phone, I mumbled to myself:
"Hmm, still occupied."
