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An agnostic dies and goes up to the pearly gates. Jesus meets him and tells him he has to go to hell because he's not perfect and without accepting Jesus he can't get in heaven because only by accepting Jesus as his lord can get get into heaven being imperfect.

The guy says "But you're not perfect either and you're in heaven."

Jesus says "I am absolutely perfect in all ways. "

They guy says "I can do something you can't. So you can't be perfect . "

Jesus says "if you can do something I can't you can get into heaven. "

So the guy puts his hands together and starts making fart sounds with them.

***

Donald trump is visiting a first grade class that is discussing words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”

“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you exploded at 40,000 feet that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and wouldn’t be an accident either.”




Automatically Appended Next Post:

 Future War Cultist wrote:
The mods have always been selective in how they apply the rules. It’s why some posters got away with murder in the politics threads whilst others got reprimanded for doing feth all. Then you had some mods violating rule 1 themselves but hey whatever, just shut up and mind your own business. It is a complete joke, but one that I’m not laughing at.

Anyway,

“Doctor Doctor, I’ve got a steering wheel in my underpants!”

“Oh really?!”

“Yeah, they’re driving me nuts!”

Yeah a friend of mine warned me abut this place when I said I was going to join. He said there was a user here who was a real donkey-cave who just locked in on newbies and harassed them but had a 2+++ save vs rule and mods.

I looked that user up in order to block him but he seems not to have posted in a while. I wonder if he finally got banned.

"Dad. There's a hole in my sock!"

"Me too son. That's how I get my foot in there."

Why skeleton head is so lonely? Because hes got NObody!
Im terrible i know.

I'd tell you that joke, "How much does a Grecian earn?" but you probably herd it.

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

"Doctor Doctor, I can't stop singing 'the green green grass of home'."

"It seems you have contracted Tom Jonesitis"

"Is it a common disease?"

"Well... It's not unusual."

When you find yourself in a pickle,
take a deep breath,
and just dill.

What is the difference between a clock and Rommel?

When a clock goes forward it says TIK-TAK, TIK-TAK
When Rommel retreats in the desert he says TAK-TIK, TAK-TIK

I was going over reasons to move to Switzerland, and I gotta say the flag is a big plus.

An old Jew is sitting in the attic, sobbing - his only son converted to a Catholic to marry a Christian girl.

Suddenly the door opens. It's God.

"What saddens you?"

"Oh, my son became a Christian!"

"Well, mine too"

"But... what I should do now?"

"A new testament."

Just yesterday I met a fine Jewish girl. I couldn't help myself and asked for her number. Suddenly she became very angry and said to me:

"We don't have numbers anymore. We have names."


Automatically Appended Next Post:
I tried to talk to a friend of mine via phone in France but to no avail.
As I put down the phone, I mumbled to myself:
"Hmm, still occupied."

Obligatory "I did nazi that joke coming."

Reminds me of Emo Phillips' German friend who just couldn't find a good bagel.

 BobtheInquisitor wrote:
Obligatory "I did nazi that joke coming."

Reminds me of Emo Phillips' German friend who just couldn't find a good bagel.

"Nazi" that coming:
https://youtu.be/vHf19IRhC28