Hawky wrote:
No idea, really.

I also don't fully understand the question. What does the 'um' mean? And does the HRE mean Holy Roman Empire?

 BigWaaagh wrote:
It's about a week after the Master's golf tournament and it's a quiet day at Augusta National golf course, so Jesus Christ and Moses decide to pop down and play a few holes.

They start at a nice little Par 3, over water. Jesus asks Moses for his 8 iron and Moses says, "Lord. Son of Man. I love you and adore you but I think you need to reconsider the 8 iron. Maybe go with the 6 instead."
Jesus turns to Moses and says, "No, no. It'll be fine. I saw Tiger Woods just last week play this hole and he put an 8 iron within inches of the cup. I've got this."
Jesus tees it up and gives it a good whack, but he hits it a bit thin and puts it straight into the water."
Sheepishly, he turns to Moses and says, "Moses I need to go get my ball, can you sort out the water for me?"
Moses obliges and parts the water as Jesus retrieves his ball.
Back on the tee, Jesus reaches for his 8 iron again and Moses chimes up, "You know, Lord of Hosts. Light of light. Almighty Savior. I love and worship you, but you're just asking too much out of the 8 iron. Please, give the 6 iron a chance."
Christ retorts, "No, no. Moses, it's okay. This last weekend, during the Master's, Tiger almost holed his tee shot using his 8 iron. I've got this."
So Moses sighs as The Lord tees it up and swings with his 8 iron. This time he hits it just right and it's looking good, but at the last moment a light breeze checks up the shot and it drops in the water just short.
Jesus shrugs and looks over to a resigned Moses and says, "Moses would you mind doing that thing you do with the water again, I need go get my ball."
Moses reluctantly parts the water hazard once again and Jesus collects his ball.
Once again back at the tee box, Jesus again grabs his 8 iron and tees up his ball. Just as he begins to set his stance, Moses chimes up. "Son of God. Alpha and Omega. I am your most loyal and loving servant, but this is getting ridiculous. Please, I beg you, use the 6 iron...I think it'll work for you."
Jesus replies, "Moses, seriously. I've got this shot. Tiger, just days ago, put his 8 iron right next to the hole. I can do this."
"Fine.", replies and exasperated Moses, "But if you splash this one, then you're on your own. No more aquatic miracles."
"Relax, I've got this.", says the Lord as he lines up his tee shot.
Jesus takes his shot. The swing is perfect. The ball sails towards it's target but just doesn't have enough on it and down into the water it goes. Christ lays down his club on his bag and heads down to the water to find his ball.
Meanwhile, a foursome of players come riding up to the tee box where Moses is standing, watching the Lord as he walks on the water looking down for his errant ball.
One of the players looks out and sees Jesus walking upon the water in search of his ball and as he walks up to the tee box, he says to Moses, "Who does that guy out there think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses looks to the man and replies, "That is Jesus Christ. The problem is, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

nareik wrote:
The problem with defaulting on payments to your exorcist is that your home might be repossessed.

 Duskweaver wrote:
The biggest joke in this thread is the moderation. Blatantly antisemitic jokes are apparently fine with the mods, as are misogynist jokes, jokes bashing the French, and jokes insinuating all people of Irish descent are alcoholics. But at least two posts mocking right-wing populists have been removed. Because God forbid we offend Boris fething Johnson.

(No, I'm not offended by any of those other jokes, nor do I want any of them removed. Some of them are even funny. I just don't think the mods should be protecting the fee-fees of one particular political viewpoint while completely ignoring the normal rules for the rest of the thread.)

and jokes insinuating all people of Irish descent are alcoholics.

 simonr1978 wrote:
From The Crow, still makes me giggle

Jesus Christ walks into a bar, hands the barman three nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

 simonr1978 wrote:
From The Crow, still makes me giggle

Jesus Christ walks into a bar, hands the barman three nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Rubius Calanthrax wasn't the the brightest space marine in the UltraMarines, or the most cautious. Indeed, his general foolishness, gullibility, and lack of adherence to even the basic principles of the Codex Astartes was legendary even amongst the officer corp. Despite this, the codex demanded that Rubius could only spend so long in the scout company and was soon promoted into a battle line company. Despite having received this honor, the Adeptus Mechancicum refused to issue the new marine a suit of power armor. Confused as to what to do, Rubius explained the issue to his sargent.

The sargent, secretly agreeing with the Mechanicum on this one issue, just took Rubius aside as told him; "Look, here's what you do. When we go into battle, just shout 'My Faith is My Armor' really loud and the bullets won't hurt you". The sargent didn't believe this of course, but figured the enemy couldn't fail to solve the problem of the idiot marine for him in the next battle.

So Rubius deploys alongside his squad, clad only in his loincloth and shouting 'My Faith is My Armor!' really loud. To his squad's amazement, enemy las-rounds bounce right off his oiled skin and Rubius is one of the few marines to make it through the battle unscathed. The sargent is still trying to figure out how this idiot marine survived when Rubius darkens his door again.

"Sargent", he says, "The Mechanicum won't issue me a bolter"

I can't have this idiot issued a bolter, the sargent thinks, he'll kill more of us than the enemy. So he relies on what's worked before. "Look here Rubius," He says, "When we deploy, just point your finger at the enemy and say 'Bang! Bang!'. You'll be fine, I promise"

Rubius nodes sagely at the advice, and in the next battle against the Tau, strides out of the drop pod shouting "My Faith is My Armor! Bang! Bang!"

To everyone's amazement the Tau start dropping dead. Everywhere Rubius points, the Tau start falling in droves with every 'Bang! Bang!' uttered. Rubius achieves a kill rating worthy of a champion, despite an accidental discharge of his finger into Brother Tiburius's foot.

Figuring that this turn of events is still safer than Rubius being issued a real bolter, the sargent is unsuprised when Rubius darkens his door again. "Sargent", he complains, "The Mechancium won't issue my a gladius to go with my finger"

The sargent just throws up his hands and looks Rubius square in the eyes, "I understand Rubius. If the enemy gets close, gets slash at them with your finger and shout 'Slashity-Slash!' really loud"

Rubius takes this in stride and in their next battle against Chaos, comes roaring out of the battlements shouting "My Faith is My Armor! Bang! Bang!". Chaos cultists collapse in thier hundreds. The Black legion shows up, but Rubius just continues shouting "My Faith is My Armor! Bang! Bang!" and even they fall under the onslaught of the finger-bolters. Things gets tense as the battle lines close, but Rubius can be seen at the front of his squad, charging in his loincloth and slashing with his fingers, shouting "Bang! Bang! Slashity-Slash!". Legionaries die at his feet, unable to penetrate his faith-filled armor or resist the power of his slashing fingers. Finally they start to give ground. Roaring his hate Rubio turns to the biggest of the Chaos Marines, a massive trans-human also clad only in a loincloth and shouts 'Bang! Bang!'

To his surprise, the brute keeps coming. Rubius is unperturbed for the moment and just aims again 'Bang! Bang!' he shouts.

The brute doesn't even flinch, just keeps walking forward with his shoulders hunched.

Rubius doesn't know what else to do, so he charges the enemy in combat, "Bang! Bang! Slashity-Slash!" he roars.

The brute doesn't fall down or react. Instead he just keeps coming forward, until at last his walks over Rubius, squashing him into the mud and ending one of the Ultramarines greatest champions in a single footfall. With his last breath, Rubius looks up and can see that the massive chaos marine is uttering a single thing, over and over again.

Spoiler:

"Rhino. Rhino. Rhino"

 greatbigtree wrote:
I like it. four ha’s.

While on the subject of The Crow. It’s not a joke per se, but a scene towards the end. Big Bad discovers that Dude’s immortality is due to the crow-spirit-guide . So he gets a sniper to shoot the bird. Dude confronts Big Bad, visibly weakened.

Big Bad: “Hey, let me do an impression for you. Caw-caw!

*puts hands together, flaps like a bird*

Bang! feth, I’m dead!”

* Throws hands to the ground*

- That is, for me, in context, both the funniest and downright villainous taunt I’ve ever seen in a movie. I howled with laughter. I was probably the only one, but I just gave myself four ha’s for remembering it so I thought I’d share.