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 Strg Alt wrote:
Let´s have another German joke. Though this works best when told to a woman and it is even interactive. So grab your sister, girl friend, wife, female colleague, female stranger on the bus etc. and have fun together. Here we go:

Dude: "Why do women like men with Waschbrettbäuche?" (Waschbrett, engl.: wash board; Bäuche, engl.: Bellies; Waschbrettbauch, engl.: six pack)

Dudette: "I dunno. Looks good on men?"

Dude:"WRONG! It reminds them of their domestic duties."

Oooooffffffff.

Here's one that'll piss off all the Frenchmen:

Why do the French put trees along their roads?

I read that somewhere; it isn't mine. But it's funny (unless you happen to be French!).

Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says " I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."

So, the three set off to find ten pieces of fruit. The first one comes back and says "I have brought before you ten apples."

The king looks at him right in the eye and says, "I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only then will I set you free."

With some hesitation the first man starts to perform his task...

One...two... and he winced.

Sure enough, the king snapped his figures, and the first man was chopped up and cooked up for dinner.

The second man comes before the king, "I have brought ten blueberries."

The same response left the king's mouth," I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only the will I set you free."

One two three for five six seven eight...... and he laughed!

With the quick snap of his fingers, the second man was chopped up and cooked up for the next meal.

The two men meet up in heaven, and the first man asked the second man, " what in the world happened?? You could of made it off the island and told our families what happened to all of us! What in the world was so funny that caused you to laugh?"

The second man shrugged and said, " I saw the third guy carrying pineapples..."

Did you hear they had to cancel the fireworks at EuroDisney?

Every time they went off the French surrendered.




What is the Russian word for syphilis?

Rotchacrotchov.




What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?


One less drunk.

Hey folks,

For one thing, unless you have more than one favourite joke, you’re missing the thread title.

Second, I’m looking for the favourite, best jokes. Something that gets you more than just a “ha”. Like, a four-ha minimum kind of joke. Not just a one liner but a real set’em up, knock’em down joke.

So please, four-ha minimum jokes only.

 ZergSmasher wrote:
Here's one that'll piss off all the Frenchmen:

Why do the French put trees along their roads?

Spoiler:

So the German army can march in the shade.

I read that somewhere; it isn't mine. But it's funny (unless you happen to be French!).

Hilarious! It also makes me want to play Axis&Allies again.

Maybe my favourite joke changes depending on my mood.

So many jokes over the years...um, this one always comes to mind though. Its from the end of Batman's The Killing Joke. Not all that struck on the story itself but this put a smile on my face, and that it fit Bat's proposition quite well...

Why do they bury Millennials 2 feet deep when they die?


So they can still have their hand out.

Oh it's funny because it was Boomers that took everything on offer, then decided there's no such thing as a free lunch!

Since we are poking the french:

Did you know that the blue and red stripe on the French flag is attached there by Velcro?

 Mad Doc Grotsnik wrote:
Oh it's funny because it was Boomers that took everything on offer, then decided there's no such thing as a free lunch!

Let's snipe back with a joke!

"Why should you bury boomers at least 7 feet down?

Because deep down, they're nice people!"

Works with anyone, just replace "boomers" with a group of your choice!

"Ceramics are very versatile."

My friend was giving her final presentation in our Grade 11 History class. She had decided to do her presentation on Ancient Pottery, and that was the first line of her presentation. I laughed for probably 3-4 minutes in class while everyone, including the teacher, looked at me bewildered. They asked what was so funny, and between gulps of breath I managed to blurt out, "Ceramics are very versa-TILE!"

Everyone groaned, but to this day, even though it was unintentional, it is the funniest pun I've ever experienced in the wild.

Went into a German newagent and saw that the magazines and newspapers were all arranged alphabetically with letter tags on each row.
So going over to the counter and asked "Why the letter tags on each row, its like walking into a library not a newsagent?"
The storekeeper winced and looked troubled, but then replied "Because last week someone came in and told me 'Your papers are not in order.'"

 greatbigtree wrote:
Hey folks,

For one thing, unless you have more than one favourite joke, you’re missing the thread title.

Second, I’m looking for the favourite, best jokes. Something that gets you more than just a “ha”. Like, a four-ha minimum kind of joke. Not just a one liner but a real set’em up, knock’em down joke.

So please, four-ha minimum jokes only.

If you are asking for the kinds of jokes that make me laugh a lot, then i'm afraid that you're only going to get really, really bad ones. (and by bad i don't mean offensive i mean genuinely not good jokes, the worst.)

Favorite and best shall never meet in my mind

Bad jokes rock, never take them for granite.

I sent a message to my wife where autocorrect turned "crap" into "carp" and I sent it before I could fix it.

Her response?


DYSLEXICS UNTIE!!!!!!!!!!

Fallout 3: Where is my father?
Fallout 4: Where is my son?
Fallout 76: Where is my refund?

 Orlanth wrote:
Fallout 3: Where is my father?
Fallout 4: Where is my son?
Fallout 76: Where is my refund?

TOOOOOOO SOOOOON?

Sadly, all my favourite jokes would result in a banning.

See, I grew up on Rik and Ade, so my sense of humour is exceptionally rude.

Then there's Viz.


The rest of Viz' works are of course, far too rude for Dakka.

“People are usually shocked when they find out that I’m not a very good electrician”

"Favorite" (bad) joke of yesterday:

Women who are on their period are ovary acting.

theres the classic bob monkhouse joke-
At school when i said i was going to be a comedian they all laughed - they arn't laughing now!

A really stupid one that never fails to send me rolling on the floor:

Comment appelle-t-on un chien sans pattes?
Tu l'appelles pas tu vas l'chercher!

Translation:

How do you call a pawless dog?
You don't, you go fetch him!

I grew up on a diet of Irish jokes. Here’s a favourite of mine; Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick: “if you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag you can have them both”.

 The Forgemaster wrote:
Three people were stranded on a canable island. And the Cannibal king stands before the three, and says " I'll give you a chance to spare yourselves from becoming the next main course. Go find ten pieces of fruit, bring them to me, and I'll explain the next test."

So, the three set off to find ten pieces of fruit. The first one comes back and says "I have brought before you ten apples."

The king looks at him right in the eye and says, "I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only then will I set you free."

With some hesitation the first man starts to perform his task...

One...two... and he winced.

Sure enough, the king snapped his figures, and the first man was chopped up and cooked up for dinner.

The second man comes before the king, "I have brought ten blueberries."

The same response left the king's mouth," I want you to shove them up your butt without making a face, and only the will I set you free."

One two three for five six seven eight...... and he laughed!

With the quick snap of his fingers, the second man was chopped up and cooked up for the next meal.

The two men meet up in heaven, and the first man asked the second man, " what in the world happened?? You could of made it off the island and told our families what happened to all of us! What in the world was so funny that caused you to laugh?"

The second man shrugged and said, " I saw the third guy carrying pineapples..."

Masterpiece!

We have plenty of "An American, a Russian, and Czech guy" jokes, so here's one. It usually works on stereotypes and the Czech guy overcomes the situation in an unusual manner.

An American, Russian and a Czech man gets caught by cannibals. The cannibal king gives them one last wish before they kill them and make a boat out of their skin.

American wishes to fire a machinegun for one more time.
Granted, they give him a machinegun and when the ammo runs dry, he gets killed.

Russian guy wished for a bottle of vodka. Granted, he's given a bottle and he gulps it down in one go. Then he's killed.

Last, the Czech guy. He wishes for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but he's given a fork anyway. The Czech begins to stab himself with the fork while screaming "No boat for you, motherduckers!"

Lo,, thats funny.

A man enters an antique shop.

The shop owner greets him: "Sir, can I help you, what are you looking for today?"

The man replies "I have no idea yet, I am looking for a birthday present. It should be something special."

The shop owner points to a strange looking bronze figurine of a rat, standing on its back feet. " Look at that statue, I just received this one in a package from overseas.
" I don't know, it seems a bit ugly, don't you think?".

"I will give it to you for just 50 Dollars, But if you want to hear the magnificent, true story behind this statue, you will have to give me 5000 Dollars."

The man considers both the shop owner and the rat statue with a puzzled look, hands him 50 Dollars, takes the statue under one arm and leaves the shop.

On his way to the car, he suddenly notices a little squeak behind him. A rat is sitting behind him watching the statue under his arm. He continues his way through the city, and more an more rats start following him. Soon he is engulfed by rats, and in his desperation, when he crosses a bridge, he throws the statue down into the river. All the rats follow the statue, jumping in the river to be dragged away forever.

Breathless he hurries back to the antiques shop, where the shop owner waits for him with a broad smile on his face.

"Now you would like to hear the story, don't you?"

"Actually I wanted to ask if you have any *LAWYER* statues?"

*fill in word you like*

Hawky, That's what I've been searching for.

I laughed. I am at work, my coworkers asked, I told them. They laughed.

Thank you, good sir!

I'm glad I reached the four-ha level joke.
Another one, a proof we are not only self-stabbing sadists, but we joke about everything, every time, all the time.

Again, A Czech, Russian and American guy gets caught by cannibals, but they are given three crystal spheres and told that if they do something the cannibal king never saw, they are free to go.

A week later, they visit the American. He juggles the balls masterfully, but the king is not amused and orders him to be killed.

Next, Russian. The three spheres levitate above him, but the king already saw this, so he has him killed and eaten.

Last the Czech. The king gets inside the hut, but half a minute later he's out, looking horrified.
"Well, I never saw this. That idiot lost one of them and broke the other two!"