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Dunno where the inspiration for this topic came from, but here goes.

What has been the most blatant whopper of a lie ever told to your face? Preferably no cheap shots at politics or religion etc, I'd rather stick to 'man in the street' type porky pies.

I think the best lie I ever witnessed (not because it was so cunning, rather for the lack of any wit) was in GW a few years ago. Back then, we had The Lummox regularly haunting our store. Now he was known to be a man of rather fanciful tales (claimed to have 5 Warhounds, when he struggled to assemble Tactical Marines) but this occasion really took the biscuit. Early in the evening, he claimed he was off to Sandhurst for Officer Training. Seems reasonable enough, until you realise he was 6'7" (or so) of quivering Lard, and most likely would suffer a fatal coronery just by looking at the Assault Course. But hey, that's a-okay, because apparently, his job in the Armed Forces doesn't require him to actually sit, let alone pass, basic training. Of course, much scorn was put upon the young gent in question, though none of us really knew for sure, that is until The Captain turned up. The Captain, so called because of his ranking within Her Majesties Armed Forces being, well, Captain. So we get Lummox to recount to The Captain his tale of derring do and training. At which point, clearly deciding an open goal is not to be missed, he starts probing the Lummoxes story, exposing more and more nonsense. Turns out, the job Lummox claims to have landed is in fact, exactly what The Captain does, following his Basic Training, and Officer Training. Well and truly rumbled, yet not going out without a fight (got to admire his idiotic tenacity) Lummox continues his claim, despite the sniggering gently growing into outright laughter. Eventually he feels his position is now untenable, and flounces (trundles?) off, claiming that 'he would never 'settle' for Captain once he's in the armed forces'

Ahh, happy days! So Dakka, what's the best Porky Pie you've ever been told?

About 6 months ago, my band and I travel 50kms to Albury for a very small gig (only 15 people turned up, but it was a fun night), we played with another band (not be mentioned). Now the band came from Sydney to play this gig and needed to borrow a drum, they could be bothered carting it around. After mm band played I helped him set it up the way he wanted it, and as this was happening, he decided to tell me how bad my kit was to his. Now this is just a no-no for drummers, especially one borrowing my kit. Telling my he had been endorsed and has a $5000 custom kit by a speciality store in Queensland. After a night of insults to my child (the drum kit), I looked up a few videos of him playing and his kit was the bottom of the line Pearl drum hit with starter cymbals!!!!! So angry, I had spent a lot of time and money (2500+) on my kit and his $500 kit was so much "better"!! grrr!! never supporting his band!!! Lying ********

Here's one Matty M will like

My old dad told me about a time when got caught asleep on guard duty (he was a Royal Marine in the 60's). Basically he'd set an alarm clock to wake him up, but a Lieutenant (pronounced "Left - tenant for the colonials) came around early and caught him. Dad gets confined to barracks as punishment. Either that night or a shortly thereafter my dad is in a local bar (still confined to barracks at this point) having a pint or two, he looks up and across the bar sees the officer who caught him staring at him. Neither says anything, but the next day dad is dragged up in front of the commanding officer. The officer presents his case... which at that point dad denies it outright. The Lieutenant has a fit because he can't get dad to admit he was there so it was the officer's word against dads. Dad got off

Not a lie, but it also reminds me of another story he told me. Years ago I used the term scallywag in a conversation, which brought a smile to dad's face. Apparently when based in Singapore he was coming back from the mainland and ended up having some banter with a border soldier and proceeded to upset him big time by calling him a "scallywag". Again he ends up in front of the commanding officer due to complaints made about this term. The person wanted an apology, but dad refused to give it, saying that the guy was a "scallywag". Don't think serving in her majesties armed forces was the best career choice for dad

Funnily enough, my story is similar to MDGs! When I was 14-15 I used to regularly hang out in my local GW in Middlesbrough. There was another regular (who shall remain nameless, mainly because I've forgotten his name), a grown man mind you, who used to regale us with tales of his exploits working for a 'Black Ops' unit overseas. He also claimed to do regular relief work in Uganda. Or Rwanda. I forget. Anyway, I bumped into him one night - he was working as an usher in the Odeon cinema. He looked fairly embarrassed when he realised I'd clocked him near the popcorn stand! I was so tempted to walk up to him and ask him what mission he was on.

I never saw him in the shop after that.

"I'll always love you."



Still..said it as well as heard it so swings and roundabouts I guess.

Best/worst lie I ever experienced was my mum who led me to believe (up until I was about 7) that the red and black fruit gums were poisonous to children. Cow.

Some politician from Chicago once told me he'd run government differently and really change things. I think he told a lot of people that and some of them believed him.

Tyyr wrote:Some politician from Chicago once told me he'd run government differently and really change things. I think he told a lot of people that and some of them believed him.

Yeah, I hate Mayor Daley too.

There was a guy I know of on the 40k forums who claimed to be a Navy Seal that had been wounded by a 60 cal. in Viet Nam. On his gaming website, he even talked about being a Seal. Larry Baily, a real life Seal who hunts down and exposes fakes, was contacted about him and called him out.
Any mention of him being a Seal came down from his website and the guy quietly faded from view.
I know of another guy that was trying to impress some girls and 14 year olds by saying he used to run guns to Brazil. He happened to say that when I was there, and I asked him between which D&D game had he found time to do that. I then reminded him that I 'd known him since he was 19. He just slunk away with a very red face.


Automatically Appended Next Post:
In my own case, I used to work graveyard and was the only person in the plant fom 11pm to 5am.
I got bored and decided to stir things up a bit and asked the day guys coming on if they'd been listening to the radio. Counting on the fact that these were mostly young people and no one would be listening to the news, I unrolled a story about the attack by 3 North Korean destroyers on the Enterprise and it's escorts in the South China sea.
The destroyers were sunk and North Korea was declaring war on the U.S., with China and several other countries in the region backing them up, while Russia was coming in on our side.
Then president Clinton was going to address the nation at noon, but until then there was a blackout on the matter in order to avoid panic.
I had people in the plant pretty well worked up right up to the secretary being in tears and calling her mother about it. A couple of guys were getting ready to take off work to go join the Navy so they wouldn't get drafted into the Army or Marines. It was a jolly time I was having.
I then went home and called back later on letting people know it was a hoax. I was actually hailed as a hero for coming up with such a story and carrying it of so believably.
I love the gullible!

I have trouble lying because I don't like being lied to.

Or DO I?

Relapse wrote:There was a guy I know of on the 40k forums who claimed to be a Navy Seal that had been wounded by a 60 cal. in Viet Nam. On his gaming website, he even talked about being a Seal. Larry Baily, a real life Seal who hunts down and exposes fakes, was contacted about him and called him out.
Any mention of him being a Seal came down from his website and the guy quietly faded from view.

What is it about ex-military guys that make some of them want to lie about their military experiances.

I know a guy who, parachuted into the jungles of southamerica, used a downed helicopter to send "smoke signals" in the desert, had an unexploded rocket, penetrate his shelter and stop right in fornt of his face, set up a "sting" operation on his colonel "just because he didn't like him". And get this he wasn't even in special forces.

He was the sly marbro of the U.S. Air force. LOL

GG

There was a member of my social circle back in 2ndary school who went by the moniker of 'elvis'. Elvis was a compulsive liar, would claim outrageous things at any opportunity, and his brain had started to reach saturation point - he couldn't keep track of all the lies he'd told - when we decided to start a fun little game.
The game consisted of reminding him of things he'd done, as if he'd told us the anecdote in the past and forgotten all the details. Points went to those who managed to convince him of the most outrageous things, and the game as whole was won by Gregor, who convinced Elvis that he'd had a threesome (at the age of 15) with a pair of virgin twin sisters.
About a year later, Elvis told me that I was an absolute b*stard who'd ruined his life (still no idea why), and I haven't spoken to him since.

Yeah i have heard some whoppers alright, nobody lies like a soldier. The funny thing is, almost 100% of them are apprently "in combat" even though 95% of the military dont really "do" combat. Im left wondering who does all the chefs/clerks/engineers/intelligence/driving/communications/medical/stores work when everyone is apparently in the fething SAS.

Whenever anyone starts waxing lyrical about it i never let on as to my profession, and this leads to some fething awesome stories. I had a guy from a signals regiment telling me he was "clearing the caves with a shotgun" in Afghanistan and a driver from the RLC told me he "called in an air-strike"

Some people just have a genuine ability to realise the difference between a believable "porky" and an utterly absurd lie that is so ridiculous you just end up shaking your head in dismay..

I have to admit, in my younger days when I used to go for a drink or two of a Friday evening, I must have bumped into most of 2 Para judging by the amount of wannabe's claiming it!

I've actually met real life Paras, back when I worked in a Hotel. Lovely guys, but built like a brick gakhouse. No way would I ever tell a lie to those guys!

Come on Dakka, bring forth more tales of shocking lies and porky pies!

It always makes me chuckle that when people lie about having been in the Army they always say they have been in the Paras or the SAS. Why does no one want to pretend to have been a driver or a cook? Why is it always stories of hand to hand fighting with Terry Taliban and not tales of the "who can do the longest unbroken turd" competition whilst on exercise.

Having said that one of the biggest bull gakkers I have ever known was an ex para (genuine) he would tell all sorts of stories to anyone gullible enough to belive him and buy him a pint for his troubles, some of his more memorable ones involved hunting seals with a sharpened stick whilst on exercise in the Antarctic through to the occaison when a fresh faced young 2nd Lieutenant asked him if he was any good at sports and reported back that he was once a county championship muff diver.

The kids I teach lie constantly and excellently. You can see one talking or writing on the desk, and ask them to stop, and they will come back at you with such aggressive, outraged innocence that you'll often actually doubt yourself for a second. Of course, god forbid you actually call them liars, or disbelieve them when they're telling the truth later on. That would be a crime of near biblical proportions. And a parent would be in to give you an earful.
Ah, society.

A local likes to tell slurry duty stories. I imagine those are real.

I've been married and divorced twice,so I've heard some amazing lies in my life.
However,some of the most entertaining lies I've heard came from an ex-girlfriends aunt,in the year I dated this woman her aunt regailed me with stories of her training by special forces comandos,a relationship with both Elvis and Stiv Baters (Dead boys/Lords of the New Church) , several UFO sightings and many many more amazing tales....she did have a nice singing voice though.

It's wierd how many of the lies relate to being trained by the special forces/in the special forces/fighting special forces.

I wonder did that happen back in the middle ages too?
"I used to be a Templar I did. Had to stop when I put me back out."

Da Boss wrote:It's wierd how many of the lies relate to being trained by the special forces/in the special forces/fighting special forces.

I wonder did that happen back in the middle ages too?
"I used to be a Templar I did. Had to stop when I put me back out."

I imagine that even in the middle ages when the wine started to flow the stories just got "bigger"......"See that lump on me 'ead....boulder from a catapult".


I do agree though,it's amazing how many times I've had someone tell me about being in some commando unit or being special forces or such,most of the time these folks are having a difficult time standing and are on their 43rd beer.

Well when I lived in U.S this flower man who quite literally lived in a small flower stand told me he invented the blue rose.

The last time I ever saw that crazy fellow I replied to one of his stories. "I invented edible underwear."

A guy I used to work with whose name I just can't remember had tons of crap stories. He was at Will Smith's wedding, they flew him in to help put out the twin towers in 9-11, he was flown in for Hurricane Katrina, and he always had lots of amazing sex even though he was a balding creepster with horrid smoker's teeth who always hit on the college-aged girls despite being 40 something himself. A lot of people didn't like him

This thread leaves me with a desire to pretend to be a Navy Seal, and recant stories of my adventures transparently lifted from well-known movies.

"So then as I was flying my fighter jet through the narrow canyon pass, the Taliban leader with the mask flies up behind me in his fighter. He's trying to shoot me down and I can't shake him when BAM, he gets shot by the smuggler I was talking about earlier and flies off into the sky. At this point I'm coming up to the exhaust port that leads to the Taliban base and I decided I was going to take the shot without the targeting computer."

@ Orkeosaurus - Just generally trying to get away with as many star-wars based lies as possible sounds like a noble ambition. Get on the case and keep us posted!

I posted in 40k You Make the Call. Someone Lied! *shake fist*

BTW, I completely understand Da Boss when he says kids at schools just bareface lie. A lot of the time it's treated as a joke becuase the guys are so bad at it, but sometimes you really do wonder that maybe they're telling the truth *this* time.

As for some of the girls. It's quite disturbing how quick they can spin a tale. Either to get out of trouble or get someone into it.

Orkeosaurus wrote:This thread leaves me with a desire to pretend to be a Navy Seal, and recant stories of my adventures transparently lifted from well-known movies.

"And THAT's when I became the first African American Navy Diver.

I knew a guy when I was in the Marines that swore that he met and hung out with Britney Spears at a mall in Louisiana. He said he had pictures, but refused to bring them to back up his claims because he was afraid they would be damaged and decrease their value(?).

There was this one guy back in the day who really strung BS together like no tomorrow and kept doing it, even when we stopped bothering. He had a moped with car brakes and a BMW dashboard. He had a Pentium 4 (ages before those things even existed) and he was most proud of losing his virginity, even going as far as to bump into every person in class and casually announcing it. He also claimed to go to Iceland once with his uncle on a quick trip to get some fabric for his fashion store. The teacher told us that his mum called him in sick.

Oy vey, the guy wanted to be a car salesmen, he'd fit right in there.

I've actually had a friend who,when caught cheating by his girlfriend,said he was sleeping and the next moment the girl he was with was on top humping him and he didn't even know her, hadn't seen her in his life...LOL!!!
Needless to say, none of the 2 girls in the room cared to believe him and he got dumped by both...still it must've been hilarious)