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2010/11/12 22:42:45
Subject: Skyline Review (or watching crap films so you don't have to)
Ok, this review is one massive spoiler, mainly so you can see how silly the film is and to encourage you to spend your £10 on some other high quality cinematic product like Jackass 3D or something. If you are determined to go and see it, by all means (it is mildly entertaining in a silly way), but you should probably go to another thread for fear of ruining the surprises (for there are many).
Right, it's Los Angeles in the middle of the night. Lights start dropping out of the sky. They are very bright. A girl wakes up in a flat and thinks it's morning. She is wearing skimpy clothes (it's that kind of film). There is a scream from another room. Her boyfriend, who is Milo from 24, goes to investigate. The girl in the other room, who is also wearing skimpy clothes (see), says that someone has 'gone'. Oh no! One of the bright lights is shining into the room. It's makes Milo from 24's face go all veiny.
Cut to 15 hours earlier. Milo from 24 and his girlfriend are on a plane landing at Los Angeles. They are here to visit his friend, Turk from Scrubs. Turk from Scrubs is a successful film maker. This is of no relevance to the plot, but people who make films think that everyone is like them. Anyway, Turk from Scrubs is so cool, he has TWO girlfriends! One of them is not a proper girlfriend, more of a production assistant, whose duties apparently consist of going to parties whilst wearing skimpy clothes. Anyway, Turk from Scrubs wants Milo from 24 to work for him. However Milo from 24's girlfriend is pregnant and doesn't want to live in Los Angeles because she likes different seasons or something (seriously). That night they all have a loud party with more cool people from film studios. Turk from Scrubs shags his production assistant in the toilet. This is of no relevance to the plot. During the party, Batista from Dexter turns up and tells them to keep the noise down.
Ok and we are back to the beginning of the film. Bright lights etc. As you probably guessed, Milo from 24 is a key character so they stop him from looking at the light. His face stops being all veiny and he looks ok. The lights die down and they look out of the window. Crowds of people are gathered around the lights sort of like moths to a flame. Hmm... I wonder where the film is going with this? Well, it's morning now and the lights disappear up into the sky. Everyone is kind of stressed, but the girls have not thought to put on proper clothes so that's ok. Milo from 24 and Turk from Scrubs go up to the roof to investigate. Turk from Scrubs takes his gun and looks like a hoodie. Up on the roof, the sky is going all Independence Day (you know, big black clouds). Filmmakers clearly got bored here and without bothering to build up the suspense, suddenly we have big alien spaceships. They proceed to suck up all the people gathered where the lights were. This does look pretty cool.
Milo from 24 and Turk from Scrubs (who don't seem that put out by the appearance of big arse alien spaceships), are then attacked by one of the squid things from the Matrix. It tries to do the light thing, but they escape down the stairs. However Milo from 24 does look at the light a bit and goes all veiny. He recovers quite quickly this time. Back in the flat everyone is kind of stressed. The girls are way too stressed to put on proper clothes. Turk from Scrubs thinks they should take his fast car and then go to the marina and get into his fast boat. Most people think this is a rubbish idea but they all agree to it. It is a rubbish idea. There is a big monster waiting outside the garage. It stamps on Turk from Scrubs' car, crushing his production assistant girlfriend who never got a chance to dress properly and then eats Turk from Scrubs. Fortunately Milo from 24, his girlfriend and Turk from Scrubs' other girlfriend were in a different car and they drive back into the parking lot. There they meet a man and his wife trying to escape too, but before they have time to exchange pleasantries, the man is eaten by one of the squid things from the Matrix. Then the squid thing is crushed by a car driven by Batista from Dexter. Hooray! The man is not quite dead and they pull him out of the squid's stomach. He looks stressed out. However, the squid from the Matrix is not dead either and it eats the man's brains.
Ok, time to run. For some reason the film makers decide that they should run in slow motion. Maybe it makes the following scene last a bit longer, I don't know, but anyway the big monster is still outside and eats the man's wife. Nobody bothers to check if she is ok, because she is not important. They make it to the doors of the the apartment building and Batista from Dexter struggles with his keys. Gah! The big monster is still hungry and it's getting closer! Batista from Dexter gives up and smashes the glass (cool). They escape into the building and go back to Turk from Scrubs' flat. Batista from Dexter starts giving Milo from 24 a hard time and tells him to man up. Milo from 24 mans up.
Right, time for another cool scene. A load of drone fighters (Hollywood's new favourite prop) show up and attack the big alien spaceships. There are lots of stealth bombers too. One of them manages to launch a nuclear missile before it is taken out. There is a BIG explosion. Why does the President always go for the ultimate deterrent on Day 2 of an alien invasion? Howabout giving all the survivors a chance to run away first eh? Anyway, our survivors are ok because they remembered to duck (I'm not making this up). Big alien spaceship though is not ok and crashes to the ground. Everyone cheers. Hooray! Hang on a sec... the squids from the Matrix are still alive and swarming out of the wreckage. The big monsters are ok too and the big alien spaceship is putting itself back together. Nuclear weapons do not work.
Ok, Milo from 24 thinks they might get hurt by the radiation and wants to run away again. Batista from Dexter thinks this is a bad idea and beats Milo from 24 up. Milo goes all veiny and beats up Batista from Dexter. Batista from Dexter says they can go. They see soldiers land on the roof, so Milo from 24 and his girlfriend go to investigate. One of the big monsters climbs up the building and they shoot at it. Turk from Scrubs' proper girlfriend gets eaten and Batisa from Dexter turns on the gas stove and lights a cigarette. There is a big explosion. However, the big monster is ok (if Batista from Dexter was paying attention earlier, he would have rememered that nuclear explosions didn't do the trick, so why on earth would a gas explosion work any better?). Then one of the squids from Matrix turns up and tries to eat Milo from 24's brain. However he is saved by his girlfriend. Then the squid from the Matrix tries to eat her brain. Milo from 24 goes veiny and kills the alien with a brick. Nuclear weapons? Pah! What you need is big hefty breeze block. That will take care of your basic alien nasty for you.
Despite this success, Milo from 24 and his girlfirend are all tired out. The big alien spaceship comes along and sucks them up into the air. They embrace and kiss and stuff. Aww, bless. End of the film? No. Cut to scenes of other major earth cities looking a bit trashed. The London Eye looks intact though. Probably a good place to hang out in an alien invasion. There'd be an amazing view. End of the film? No. Back to the inside of the alien spaceship and people are having their brains sucked out all over the place. Their brains go all blue and glowy. Milo from 24 has his brain sucked out and it goes all red and glowly. Keep an eye on the red glowy brain folks. Milo from 24's girlfriend is about to have her brain sucked out, but the aliens do a quick ultasound and discover she is pregnant. She is sucked into a tube instead. Back to the glowy brains. They are installed into alien bodies which makes the alien bodies work (no other explanation is provided, just go with it ok). They have glowy blue eyes. Milo from 24's red glowy brain is put into a body. Hang on! We can't see the red glowy brain anymore. How are we going to know it's Milo from 24? Wait it's ok, they've given him red glowy eyes.
Back to Milo from 24's girlfriend. She's about to have a caeserean... WITHOUT ANESTHETIC. The bastards! Fortunately the Milo from 24 alien turns up just in time and saves her! Hooray! Suddenly lots of other aliens turn up and they are PISSED! The Milo from 24 alien stands protectively over Milo from 24's girlfriend and... The End. Cue loud music with lots of base.
This message was edited 2 times. Last update was at 2010/11/12 22:50:08
Cheers for this, I was thinking of seeing it because the advert looked remotely cool, glad you just saved me a few £ =)
Mandorallen turned back toward the insolently sneering baron. 'My Lord,' The great knight said distantly, 'I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offence against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fur which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornment for a human face. Is it possibly that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat?' - Mimbrate Knight Protector Mandorallen.
Excerpt from "Seeress of Kell", Book Five of The Malloreon series by David Eddings.
"You need not fear us, unless you are a dark heart, a vile one who preys on the innocent; I promise, you can’t hide forever in the empty darkness, for we will hunt you down like the animals you are, and pull you into the very bowels of hell." Iron - Within Temptation
2010/11/12 23:12:48
Subject: Skyline Review (or watching crap films so you don't have to)
And that's what the internet is for, so people can spout off about anything and everything to make themselves seem more cool, smart and with-it (Whatever that means... ) than they really are. In trashing this movie, you're granting it more significance than it deserves, for the wrong reason. I just saw it, and yes, it was nothing more than a mindless action flick with an alien invasion theme, but anybody who expects more than that from a movie is wasting their time. If you want a deep, moving character drama that will make your girlfriend cry, they're plenty of that crap out there as well. Personally, I can't wait to see Jack Black in Gulliver's Travels. Warpcrafter out.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
2010/11/13 01:20:51
Subject: Skyline Review (or watching crap films so you don't have to)
Cheers folks and also for those humbling remarks from warpcrafter.
Vaguely interesting aside... The Brothers Strause* who directed this film (and also made Alien vs Predator 2 - wish I'd know that before going to see it) also do effects work. One of the projects they are involved in is Battle: Los Angeles and they have subsequently be sued by Sony for making Skyline because of the similar nature of the two films (aliens in Los Angeles basically) and releasing it before B:LA.
*This what they call themselves I think all directing brothers should do this. The Brothers Coen. The Brothers Wachowksi.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/11/13 08:16:25
Minnesota, land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000 Mosquitos
"Ninjas. Damn."
Wow, and I thought Skyline looked like it was going to be decent. Guess all/most bad movies have that - the trailer looks awesome, but the movie is a pile of gak.
I'm excited for The Warrior's Way. Even if it sucks, it looks like it'll have some good action.
This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 2010/11/13 19:10:49
My Armies:
Kal'reia Sept Tau - Farsight Sympathizers Da Great Looted Waaagh! The Court of the Wolf Lords
Hilarious review. Im glad you said "dont worry just go with it" because I was JUST about to ask, well why do our brains power them? Ill still watch it when it hits DVD, but uh.... I would of been upset if I went and paid for it from the sounds of your review. GO BATISTA!!!!!!!!!!
2010/11/14 16:27:23
Subject: Skyline Review (or watching crap films so you don't have to)
I had a couple of buddies get kicked out of the theatre for telling the ending to a movie all loud and drunk obnoxious... it was 'Passion of the Christ' and they were cheering on the pharisees... many bible-camp kids were disturbed going to that movie showing. god bless the honest critics.
I'm both chaotic and orderly. I value my own principles, and am willing to go to extreme lengths to enforce them, often trampling on the very same principles in the process. At best, I'm heroic and principled; at worst, I'm hypocritical and disorderly.
2010/11/14 20:09:31
Subject: Skyline Review (or watching crap films so you don't have to)
I'll be the first to admit. I read the review. Saw the "movie" anyway. I don't know if I can bring children into a world where Skyline exists. I should have listened to you Flashman.
) than they really are. In trashing this movie, you're granting it more significance than it deserves, for the wrong reason. I just saw it, and yes, it was nothing more than a mindless action flick with an alien invasion theme, but anybody who expects more than that from a movie is wasting their time. If you want a deep, moving character drama that will make your girlfriend cry, they're plenty of that crap out there as well. Personally, I can't wait to see Jack Black in Gulliver's Travels. Warpcrafter out. 
Waaagh! Skarshak - Back after being lost in the Warp, an' ready to Krump sum 'eads! 
Kal'reia Sept Tau - Farsight Sympathizers 
Da Great Looted Waaagh! 
The Court of the Wolf Lords 
