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Why my dear inquisitor, what you have is a startling case of 'Deffwotch', where a greenskin has infiltrated the ranks of the Ordo Xenos! I would refer Frank to an Administratum Reconditioning Center, where his considerable Chimera throwing talents may be put to better use in one of The Emperor's Holy, Righteous and Totally NOT Horrible Labour Camps! Also, his skin would be a good substitute for Salamander basecoats! We all know that good green paints are hard to come by these days.

Yours,
Manly Manperor of Mankind.

=================

Dear Holy Emperor of Mankind,

How many women hath thou lain with in thy long and prosperous life? How can I emulate one's manliness?

Yours,
Robe--fulgri... No it's definitely Robert, AKA Bob

SNAAAAKE wrote:

Dear Holy Emperor of Mankind,

How many women hath thou lain with in thy long and prosperous life? How can I emulate one's manliness?

Yours,
Robe--fulgri... No it's definitely Robert, AKA Bob

Dear Bob,

You should always ask them first. Say "Can I evaluate how manly you are?". And then proceed by strength tests.

Regards,

Das emp
---------------------------------
Dear Emps,

I understand that you have been every president of the USA. So, that means that when George W Bush was president, that was really you.
Which brings me to my question: Why did you refuse to help victims of Hurricane Katrina?
Regards,
Political Geek

Dear political geek

The city was infested with secret chaos cults, early freaky cults.
We don,t help chaos.. Yes, I was, it was a bad few years for me...

Lets forget my bush years.

Sincerely glorious emparor of mankind.

......

Dear god emparor

What's the beat cookie recipe in the universe?
I have a craving but none match the glorious vision of cookies the bishop of Oreo keeps telling us of.

Please Devine cookie emparor.
Sinecrely Benjamin von choclate chipus

 jhe90 wrote:


Dear god emparor

What's the beat cookie recipe in the universe?
I have a craving but none match the glorious vision of cookies the bishop of Oreo keeps telling us of.

Please Devine cookie emparor.
Sinecrely Benjamin von choclate chipus

Oh man Oreos, those were awesome, two chocolate biscuits and cream in the center, man oh man I get hungry just thinking about them. Some days the souls of a thousand psykers just doesn't fill a man like a box of oreos would.

Makes me sad I exterminoused the Nabisco Planet for selling oreos to Horus. Then it turned out he was really eating Hydrox. I was totally bummed out.

The Emp

------------------------------------------

Dear the Space Emporer, wow that was a close call!

So there I was Rogue Trading with North Space Korea, y'know selling them food, buying fissionable uranium, the usual deal. When all of the sudden Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea walks in!

And I'm like, "Holy @#$% it's Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea!"

And he's like "Rogue Randy, you must join us for mass gymnastics."

And I'm all like "Well yeah that sounds great but I got this thing and-"

But he's all totally like "No, no, you MUST, I insist." And he's got like a hundred bodyguards with him so I'm like "Yeah, totally dude."

So we go and he's got like a million people in the arena and a million more dancing and gymnasticing and whatever and it was really cool and halfway through all the people in the stands all whip out these colored cards and they're like making shapes and messages and pictures and stuff and one of the messages was like "Welcome Rogue Randy and please have a pleasant stay here in the workers' paradise of North Space Korea" and was all like "Aw..."

So then things end and I' headed back to my space ship and then Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea says "Dude, you forgot to give me my gift." And I'm like oh @#$%, I totally forgot that when you see Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea you're supposed to bring him a gift.

So I'm thinking fast, what do Space Koreans like? Math textbooks! But I don't have one. Picked cabbage! But I left that in my space ship. Then I remember Space Bibles! Space Koreans like Space Bibles and luckily I have my Grandfather's Space Bible which was blessed by the Space Pope in the pocket of my Space Coat. So I whip it out and I'm all like "I brought you my Grandfather's Space Bible which was blessed by the Space Pope."

But he like knocks it out of my hand and it all like "Don't you know we are all Spacetheists in North Space Korea!" And then I remember that it's the South Space Koreas who like Space Bibles, not the North Space Koreas.

Which reminds me, how can someone be a Spacetheist in a universe with Godzilla-sized demons and a guy in a golden throne that people use to navigate starships off of? Just asking here.

But Mommy Rogue Randy didn't raise no idiots, so I'm like "Of course I knew that! I brought the Space Bible for you to burn!"

So he looks at me, and I look at him, and he looks at the Space Bible, and the bodyguards reach for their guns, and then he laughs, and I laugh, and the body guards laugh, and someone gets a flame thrower and just like that we're all good friends.

So needless to say I boogie out of North Space Korea fast as I can, Now here's my problem. I figure I better just stop going to North Space Korea. Cut them off. Forget the place ever existed, because no offense they're #$%^ing loony there. But I'm worried that if I do then Kim Da Loon, First Among Equals and Democratically Elected Beloved Leader of North Space Korea might send some North Space Korean Space Ninjas to kill me or something!

So what should I do?

Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

Dear rouguebtrader randy

I suggest you firstly commission a suit of armour with enormous pauldrons'. Its a know fact they protect and show your power for all to see. They are proven to show how strong you are and can urn aside the greatest of blows. Secondly they will show how rich and epic you are when younwear giant pauldrens and all gleaming armour covered in skulls. Lots of skulls.m

Then you swagger into his palace with your epic pauldrens, a fancy hat and punch him in the face, and proceed to steal his planet.

I signed your warrentnof trade. Caluse h12 requires the use of enormous stones I case of threats..

Good luck.

......

Dear emparor.

I fell into a bad way, chaos cult. I slaughtered them all. I killed the cult leader and his entire family for good measure. I rven took down a chaos marine with a metla gun to head...

Now the inquisition says I'm a ..
Beserker. Can you get me out of a jam merciful emperor.

Il serve we from now on.

Sincerely
Benski,

 jhe90 wrote:


Dear emparor.

I fell into a bad way, chaos cult. I slaughtered them all. I killed the cult leader and his entire family for good measure. I rven took down a chaos marine with a metla gun to head...

Now the inquisition says I'm a ..
Beserker. Can you get me out of a jam merciful emperor.

Il serve we from now on.

Sincerely
Benski,

Dear Benski,

You marines are such drama queens! I mean really? YOu think you're the only marine who ever done bad? You think your all-knowing beneficent Space Emporer of Space didn't think of this problem an eon ago?

Here's what you do, get yourself some black shoe polish, like a whole bunch of it, a crate maybe. And smear it all over your armor, every nook and cranny.

Then hie thee over to the nearest Death Watch club house and be all like 'woe is me I done bad and that ain't good' and they'll take good care of you, no questions asked.

The only downside is then you'll be slaughtering the Space Aliens, instead of the Space Demons. If that's a deal breaker to you just go up to the Inquisitor and whisper to him 'Project Exorcists' then wink, do the devil horn sign and point at your nose. He'll take it from there.

Don't forget to wink!

Love and beneficence
E

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Chairman and CEO Teh Space Emporer

OK, so picture this, my Space Ship is like burning rubber out of the Space Korea system when all of the sudden out of no where this black space ship comes by and tells us to pull over. So we do. And like these Black Space Marines come out and everyone is all like 'OMG!'

But I play it cool cause like I have a subscription to Jayne's All the Worlds' Superhuman Fanatical Warriors so right off the bat I'm like 'Hail Black Templars!'

But they're like 'actually we're...'

And I'm like 'I mean Hail Iron Hands! Welcome!'

'Actually we're not Iron H-'

And I'm starting to worry so I'm like 'I mean Black Legion! Hail the Black Legion! Smash the Empire! Chaos! Chaos!'*

* Note I was only saying that to lull them into a sense of security of course, I mean you know that right? You know I'm totally loyal to the Space Empire or whatever. Right?

But they're all "I think you have us confused with someone else, we're the Death Watch"

So right away I start coughing and rubbing my stomach like I'm gonna hurl or whatever but they're like 'No I think you're confusing us with the Death Guard, we're the sword in the darkness? The watcher on the walls? The fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men?'

'Sorry not ringing any bells, are you new?'

'No we've been around like 7000 years, or since 2003 depending if you're counting in universe or out of universe. But that's not important now. We think there's a Xenos on your Space Ship!"

'A Xenos!' I ejaculated loudly. 'How can that be!' I turned to my first officer Lavenderpedal Salsawaltz and asked 'Have you seen any Xenos?'

'No sir' he said (or is it she, I can never tell) and adjusted its headband.

So I turned to my science officer Weebo Gundam-Macross and said 'scan for Xenos!'

Lucky he was already wearing his full face scanning helmet. 'None found Taicho-San' he said.

But just to be sure I ordered my Security Chief Moardakka Badsnik and his Boyz to put on their full environmental suits (so they don't get Xenos cooties or whatever) and search the ship.

Finally I could say with 107% certainty that we did not see any Xenos.

The Night's Watch (or whatever they were called) were like 'Thank you citizen for your vigilance, you may go on your way'. At least that's what I think Brother-Blackshield 1001001 said, my binary is a bit rusty.

So my question is why are people so paranoid these days, acting like there must be Xenos under their bed?

I asked my personal valet Locustgaunt Bugface but he just hissed and emitted some pheromones.

What do you think?

Yours
Rouge Randy the Rogue Trader

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear Chairman and CEO Teh Space Emporer

OK, so picture this, my Space Ship is like burning rubber out of the Space Korea system when all of the sudden out of no where this black space ship comes by and tells us to pull over. So we do. And like these Black Space Marines come out and everyone is all like 'OMG!'

But I play it cool cause like I have a subscription to Jayne's All the Worlds' Superhuman Fanatical Warriors so right off the bat I'm like 'Hail Black Templars!'

But they're like 'actually we're...'

And I'm like 'I mean Hail Iron Hands! Welcome!'

'Actually we're not Iron H-'

And I'm starting to worry so I'm like 'I mean Black Legion! Hail the Black Legion! Smash the Empire! Chaos! Chaos!'*

* Note I was only saying that to lull them into a sense of security of course, I mean you know that right? You know I'm totally loyal to the Space Empire or whatever. Right?

But they're all "I think you have us confused with someone else, we're the Death Watch"

So right away I start coughing and rubbing my stomach like I'm gonna hurl or whatever but they're like 'No I think you're confusing us with the Death Guard, we're the sword in the darkness? The watcher on the walls? The fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men?'

'Sorry not ringing any bells, are you new?'

'No we've been around like 7000 years, or since 2003 depending if you're counting in universe or out of universe. But that's not important now. We think there's a Xenos on your Space Ship!"

'A Xenos!' I ejaculated loudly. 'How can that be!' I turned to my first officer Lavenderpedal Salsawaltz and asked 'Have you seen any Xenos?'

'No sir' he said (or is it she, I can never tell) and adjusted its headband.

So I turned to my science officer Weebo Gundam-Macross and said 'scan for Xenos!'

Lucky he was already wearing his full face scanning helmet. 'None found Taicho-San' he said.

But just to be sure I ordered my Security Chief Moardakka Badsnik and his Boyz to put on their full environmental suits (so they don't get Xenos cooties or whatever) and search the ship.

Finally I could say with 107% certainty that we did not see any Xenos.

The Night's Watch (or whatever they were called) were like 'Thank you citizen for your vigilance, you may go on your way'. At least that's what I think Brother-Blackshield 1001001 said, my binary is a bit rusty.

So my question is why are people so paranoid these days, acting like there must be Xenos under their bed?

I asked my personal valet Locustgaunt Bugface but he just hissed and emitted some pheromones.

What do you think?

Yours
Rouge Randy the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

I laughed pretty hard. Good joke.

Regards,

Teh space Emporer
-------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Please rescue me from the inquisition. While I do not take the warp resistance I had lightly, I think that it is wrong for me to be in a prison run by Orks. I'm completely unarmed, have no armour on, and the Orks are trying to kill me every hour.

Send a rescue team now.

-Captain Titus from Space Marine

What on Terra!? A SPACE MARINE NEEDS HELP TO ESCAPE FROM ORKS? Have you never heard of Darnath Lysander, whom escaped the Iron Warriors Legion with his bare hands? Whom passed the corruption tests with flying colours? Whom was instantly reinstated as 1st Company Captain of the Imperial Fists forthwith!? You are a son of Smurf, start acting like the plot armoured Mary Sue you were born to be! I'm sure Orks can't remove plot armour. Sure of it.

Yours,
Disappointed Big E.

---------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
I recently purchased a large quantity of goods from a nice company named Games Workshop. I used their high quality miniatures for virtual battle games, for I only have one eye, rendering holographic displays pointless. I noticed however, that when engaged against filthy xenos Eldar, my codex was vastly underpowered against their Wraithknights, not even mass artillery could batter their Wraith-pansies! I tried everything, Deathstrikes, Dakka's proposed rules section, Forge World books, but nothing I could do would ever rid my gaming table of Xenos! That annoying Imperial Navy officer never stops banging on about how he is superior. I suspect he is Eldar, as he has pointy ears.

What do I do, Holy Emperor? Do I buy a new Army? Do I abandon my trusty Guardsmen for a world of 3+ Saves?

Yours Truly,
General Gottius Ripped'Offius

SNAAAAKE wrote:


---------------------------------

Dear Emperor,
I recently purchased a large quantity of goods from a nice company named Games Workshop. I used their high quality miniatures for virtual battle games, for I only have one eye, rendering holographic displays pointless. I noticed however, that when engaged against filthy xenos Eldar, my codex was vastly underpowered against their Wraithknights, not even mass artillery could batter their Wraith-pansies! I tried everything, Deathstrikes, Dakka's proposed rules section, Forge World books, but nothing I could do would ever rid my gaming table of Xenos! That annoying Imperial Navy officer never stops banging on about how he is superior. I suspect he is Eldar, as he has pointy ears.

What do I do, Holy Emperor? Do I buy a new Army? Do I abandon my trusty Guardsmen for a world of 3+ Saves?

Yours Truly,
General Gottius Ripped'Offius

Dear general.

You could go to the Tau but such is heresy...

I sugest you go to the land known as forgeworld, they sell many expensive extras that may help. I recommend the warlord titan of dakka.
Your money will be gone, but your enemy will face the d plate spam of doom .

Good luck. And youl have no money...

...........

Dear god emperor

My name is Barron von wingnut
I have a problem.

I managed to buy a ancient copy . A relic known as rogue trader, with beaky marines.
It seems your holy models are different. Are these new things hersey?

Also we found a cave full of dangerous archeotech weapons, which humans are best to test on?

Sincerely

The von wingnut family of the planet boltus ...

 jhe90 wrote:


Dear god emperor

My name is Barron von wingnut
I have a problem.

I managed to buy a ancient copy . A relic known as rogue trader, with beaky marines.
It seems your holy models are different. Are these new things hersey?

Also we found a cave full of dangerous archeotech weapons, which humans are best to test on?

Sincerely

The von wingnut family of the planet boltus ...

Dear Von Wingnut Family,

Rouge Trader is very old. 40k is now on 7th edition. The models from Rogue Trader and 7th edition are very different.

As for the archeotech weapons, test them on foolish Imperial Guardsmen.

Regards,

Das emp
---------------------------------
to: the space emporer <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
from: NWS Newport\Morehead NC <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
subject: Tropical Storm Watch

....TROPICAL STORM WATCH IN EFFECT FOR THE OUTER BANKS OF NORTH CAROLINA...

Tropical Depression 8 is expected to strengthen to a weak tropical storm of 40-45mph. The threats are as follows:

Wind: Winds of 40-45mph could occur on the Outer Banks of North Carolina Tuesday and Tuesday night. These winds can cause minor structural damage.

Rain: 1-3 inches of rain is expected, especially near the Hatteras area. Isolated maximum amounts to 5 inches possible.

Storm Surge: The threat of storm surge is very low.

Water rise: Water rises to 1 foot are expected on the outer banks.

Rip current risk: Very high.

HOW TO PREPARE
Have your hurricane readiness plan in place, heed watches and warnings, evacuate if ordered to.

Your imperial guardsmen should flee the area.

-Forecaster JM

to: Forecaster <webmaster@nws.noaa.gov>
from: God-Emperor of Mankind <dasemp@41stmillenium.com>
subject: Re:Tropical Storm Watch

Hello JM

The God-emperor of Mankind thanks you for the warning, we will take appropriate actions as soon as possible.
Next time it will be more effective to contact the corresponding Imperial Guard headquarters in the area, not the God-Emperor himself. We are getting thousands of e-mail every hour and it's difficult to sort it out and could be easily overlooked or forgotten. Thank you.

Sasha Wade
The secretariate of the God-Emperor of Mankind, Holy Terra

___________________________________

Dear God-Emperor of Mankind

My name is Cyran Arcs and I'm a Tech-priest.
You might find odd that I'm askind directly you, and not the Omnissiah, but I want a more, "human" point of view.

Should be altering and invention of new technologies really be considered as a heresy? My opinion is that we should seek the lost knowledge and preserve what we already have, but also invent new technology and alter the old to suit our needs. What's the point of supressing the scientific advance?
Some of designs your loyal subjects use are millenias old and the enemy is constantly improving their technology. It means that we had to put still more and more effort to actually beat the enemy and due to our obsolete technology, we have to compensate in numbers.

It's no secret that puritan magi and the Holy Inquisition actively seeks the tech-heresy and suppres it, but it's really necessary? Wouldn't be better if we equipped the Imperial Guard 1) with grav-tanks equipped with neutron lasers, instead of using 10'000 years old design of the Leman Russ tank, which was practicly un-altered since then?
Yes, the Leman Russ is easy to manufacture and operate, but we could give the grav-tank to the elite crews or train entierly new units of elite Guardsmen and beat the enemy more efficently, by deploying less Guardsmen, which could be useful elsewhere. This could even lead to supremacy of Mankind in the galaxy, which is now, by current situation, impossible to achieve.

Please, dear Emperor, think about is. There is no point of punishing your loyal servants for making thing better. Better things make better future.

Sincerely

Cyran Arcs, the Tech-priest of planet Ostrakan, Europa solar system, Garon Nebulae

P.S.
1) High Lords of Terra decided to call the Imperial Guard as "Astra Militarum" which I find, well, unlucky.

 Hawky wrote:


Dear God-Emperor of Mankind

My name is Cyran Arcs and I'm a Tech-priest.
You might find odd that I'm askind directly you, and not the Omnissiah, but I want a more, "human" point of view.

Should be altering and invention of new technologies really be considered as a heresy? My opinion is that we should seek the lost knowledge and preserve what we already have, but also invent new technology and alter the old to suit our needs. What's the point of supressing the scientific advance?
Some of designs your loyal subjects use are millenias old and the enemy is constantly improving their technology. It means that we had to put still more and more effort to actually beat the enemy and due to our obsolete technology, we have to compensate in numbers.

It's no secret that puritan magi and the Holy Inquisition actively seeks the tech-heresy and suppres it, but it's really necessary? Wouldn't be better if we equipped the Imperial Guard 1) with grav-tanks equipped with neutron lasers, instead of using 10'000 years old design of the Leman Russ tank, which was practicly un-altered since then?
Yes, the Leman Russ is easy to manufacture and operate, but we could give the grav-tank to the elite crews or train entierly new units of elite Guardsmen and beat the enemy more efficently, by deploying less Guardsmen, which could be useful elsewhere. This could even lead to supremacy of Mankind in the galaxy, which is now, by current situation, impossible to achieve.

Please, dear Emperor, think about is. There is no point of punishing your loyal servants for making thing better. Better things make better future.

Sincerely

Cyran Arcs, the Tech-priest of planet Ostrakan, Europa solar system, Garon Nebulae

P.S.
1) High Lords of Terra decided to call the Imperial Guard as "Astra Militarum" which I find, well, unlucky.

Dear Cyran,

First of all I want to correct a misapprehension you seem to have: me and the Omnisseah, same guy. I'm also the Machine God, the Sun God, the Lord High Basket Weaver and Malal. When you've been around for 40,000 years you have time to develop a lot of skill sets. Perhaps a few hours in the Agony Booth will help you meditate on this.

Secondly, you really don't seem to understand the scale of a million world, 10,000 year Imperium. I mean think about it. Take a relatively simple machine like those old Apache gyro ornithopers we had back in M2 Y990. They were good pieces of kit, but take them from temperate Europe to dusty Middle East and their engines get clogged and they fall out of the sky. Now think about taking them from Earth (that's what we used to call Holy Terra back in the day) to dusty Mars with a different gravity or frozen Fenris or humid Catachan and you'll never get them to run.

And a grav tank with a neurtron laser? That's like 10 quantum leaps more complex. They might run fine on world A, but go to world B and the dust mites eat the energy crystals and you've got a 5 ton paper weight. Go to world C and the anti-grav units can't compensate for the gravity fluctuations caused by the 8 moons and they just explode randomly. Go to world D and the thicker atmosphere reduces the laser'r range to 10 meters.

You get the idea.

I mean really, you ask this question like I didn't conquer the whole (well most) galaxy using WWI technology. There's a reason we use treads and armor and cannons that shoot shells. They work (almost) everywhere! Hell that's why our guys still carry swords and ride horses.

That's why the galaxy is ruled by factions like us, the orks (whose stuff is even cruder) and the nids. Sure there's more advanced factions out there but their tech is sufficiently advanced that you may as well call it magic. And even they just nibble at the fringes. I mean the Eldar have some neat kit, but no one considers them a top-tier galactic power.

Now we do have some solid stuff that's advanced and works (almost) everywhere but we hoard it and keep for the most loyal guys, because with a million worlds out there you never know when someone's going to get an idea. And we don't have much of that stuff because you never know when those 'loyal' guys might get ideas too. One thing I learned (the hard way) is with a galaxy-spanning empire you can't take anyone's loyalty for granted.

Glad we had this chat. The Arbites will be by shortly to show you to your Agony Booth so you have time to consider my words.

Yours
Teh Emporer of most of Space
Who, yes, actually does know what he's doing.

**********************************************************************************************************

Dear the 

So you're not gonna believe it but I just got back from Space Briton, and there I was unloaded my cargo of anti-depressants and loading up my cargo of pop albums, Dr Who DVDs and overpriced toy soldiers when who should stop by but Brittney Tina, Pop Queen of Space Briton!

And I was all like "OMG Brittney Tina, Pop Queen of Space Briton! I loved your new album!"
And she like popped a handful of anti-depressants and was all like "Oh hey Rogue Randy, thanks for bringing some anti-depressants, we were almost out."
And I was all like "Whoa. Something wrong? You seem upset."
And she was all like "Oh it's just this darn Space Brexit."
And I was all like "Space Brexit? That sounds like a made up word."
And she was all "Yeah it is a made up word, but basically the people voted to exit the Imperium."
And I was all "Whoa. Isn't that like, a bad idea?"
And she was all "Yeah, really bad. Cause first all the banks will leave, then the big companies, then the Space Pound will drop, and the price of imports will go up, and then the Inquisition will exterminus us for treason."
And I was all "Whoa."
And she was all "Whoa indeed."
And I was all like "Why did you even ask the people?"
And she was all "We didn't think they'd actually say leave!"
And I was all like "Well what about this, why don't you tell the people you're working really, really hard on this Brit-leave thing, then release a new album, and put out an animated restoration of a lost Dr Who episode, maybe a new edition of that toy soldier game and by then everyone will have forgotten. If they ask you just say 'still working on it'. And Bob's your uncle!"
And she was all "Randy that's the tits! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Then she invited me over to her place to spend the night putting different parts of our bodies in the mouth of a dead pig which is apparently the custom there.

So I just wanted to say if you hear any rumors about some sort of Eng-Leave or whatever just ignore them, it'll blow over.

Sincerely,
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

It is too late for you, I have spread the word of what has happened across the galaxy. It's not blowing over anytime soon

Regards,
Emp

-------------

Dear Space.Emperor,

I don't know if Games Workshop still exists in the 41st millennium, but did they ever update Sisters of Battle as an army?

Signed,

Citizen from 2016

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space.Emperor,

I don't know if Games Workshop still exists in the 41st millennium, but did they ever update Sisters of Battle as an army?

Signed,

Citizen from 2016

Dear Citizen,

They did not. They were retconned by 47th edition, which came out in 8862.

I am sorry if i disappointed you.

-Das emp
--------------------------
Dear Empys,

Were you in Hurricane Rita's Evacuation? It happened in 2005, and the entire city of Houston and Galveston evacuated.

Regards,

Hurricane Geek

Hello Hurricane Geek,

no, I was watching the premiere of the "Greatest game ever played" movie at my home in Himalayas.

Regards,
The Emperor
...........

Dear Emperor,

what happend with the Eagle lunal modules, when you colonised the Moon?

Thank you,
Cyran Arcs, Tech-priest and amateur astronomer

Hello CATpaa.
Last time I saw those Eagle lunar modules they were sitting on Kubrick's sound stage. No man was allowed to reach the Moon for hundreds of years after that. It's where I kept my space brothel.

Dear Emps.
What's the deal with the grav weapon fad? They came out of nowhere and they're all I see now. What's the next new hotness?
Thanks!
Guns overcharged, openly nasty.

PourSpelur wrote:


Dear Emps.
What's the deal with the grav weapon fad? They came out of nowhere and they're all I see now. What's the next new hotness?
Thanks!
Guns overcharged, openly nasty.

Well y'know that goes back to that one time in 2nd edition, I was Astrally Projecting myself onto a battle where those blue guys, the ones that shout a lot, kind of stuck up, forgot what they're called, were fighting and one of them who was painted red for some reason was shooting his gravity gun at the bad guys and the bad guys were getting slowed down.

And I was like, that's a bit lame, who would want to shoot someone with a 'go slow' gun when you can shoot them with a 'go die' gun instead.

So when I got back I grabbed Steve [Note=94% probable reference to Arch Magos Stephanicus Quantum Mu-45, High Fabricator of Mars] and I was like 'Steven can you make these guns less lame' and so we pulled them for an edition or two and tinkered with them and when they came back, wow. Everyone is all like grav! grav! grav!

Just like I knew they would.

It's nice to be omniscient.

Cheers,
E

---------------------------------------------
Hey how's it going!

I've got a bit of a question here. The other day I was on Space America importing cheap manufactured goods, exporting crates of money that they just printed, when all of the sudden out of nowhere comes Amy Ricca, Reality TV Queen of Space America. And I'm all like 'OMG! It's Amy Ricca!'

And she's all like 'Oh hey Rogue Randy'.

And I'm all like 'Amy, what's wrong?'

And she's all like 'Oh nothing, I'm just preoccupied. You see in a month or two we Space Americans have to pick our new leader.'

"Wow' I ejaculated loudly. 'Commoners picking a leader? How queer.'

And she was all 'Yeah it's like this weird old custom we have. Anyway this year we have to pick between this old lady who used to be married to the old leader so she like knows about stuff. And then there's this even older fat guy who got money from his dad and hardly ever declared bankruptcy."

"Two of your best and brightest. Truly you have an embarrassment of riches."

So there's the problem, which of these two very deserving people should be be their new leader?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Hey how's it going!

I've got a bit of a question here. The other day I was on Space America importing cheap manufactured goods, exporting crates of money that they just printed, when all of the sudden out of nowhere comes Amy Ricca, Reality TV Queen of Space America. And I'm all like 'OMG! It's Amy Ricca!'

And she's all like 'Oh hey Rogue Randy'.

And I'm all like 'Amy, what's wrong?'

And she's all like 'Oh nothing, I'm just preoccupied. You see in a month or two we Space Americans have to pick our new leader.'

"Wow' I ejaculated loudly. 'Commoners picking a leader? How queer.'

And she was all 'Yeah it's like this weird old custom we have. Anyway this year we have to pick between this old lady who used to be married to the old leader so she like knows about stuff. And then there's this even older fat guy who got money from his dad and hardly ever declared bankruptcy."

"Two of your best and brightest. Truly you have an embarrassment of riches."

So there's the problem, which of these two very deserving people should be be their new leader?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy, the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

I think YOU should be their new leader. I actually kinda like you.

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------------
Dear Empys,

Who do you want to vote for? Please vote for one:

DEMOCRAT
[ ] Hillary ClinTon\Tim Kaine

REPUBLICAN
[ ] Donald Trump\Mike Pence

LIBERTARIAN
[ ] Gary Johnson\William Weld

GREEN
[ ] Jill Stein\Ajamu Baraka

CONSTITUTION
[ ] Darrell Castle\Scott Bradley

Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station at your earliest convenience.

Regards,
Arkansas Election Ballot

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Empys,

Who do you want to vote for? Please vote for one:

DEMOCRAT
[ ] Hillary ClinTon\Tim Kaine

REPUBLICAN
[ ] Donald Trump\Mike Pence

LIBERTARIAN
[ ] Gary Johnson\William Weld

GREEN
[ ] Jill Stein\Ajamu Baraka

CONSTITUTION
[ ] Darrell Castle\Scott Bradley

Please return your ballot to the nearest polling station at your earliest convenience.

Regards,
Arkansas Election Ballot

Dear Arkie,

thank you for your kind letter but I actually can't vote in American elections as I was born in Turkey.

Damn birthers.

Yours,

Al Imperoror d'Mahnkind

****************************************************
Dear the Space Emperor

Y'know how they say that workplace romances never work out, well I'm hoping to change that. Y'see there's this girl I really like, at work-Dea Thultist. She's always walking around in tight leather, looking oh so hot, just gorgeous. Acutally I kind of assume she's gorgeous but she's always wearing her gimp mask so I really don't know for certain.

Problem is she's a Death Cultist and all she cares about is a man's sword. Now I wish that was a euphemism but it's literally true. I have NEVER had a conversation with her that didn't involve edged weapons.

I figure that's why she's always hanging out with Kru Sader who's our holy crusader. Except his holy vows require that he y'know, keep his sword sheathed.

That is a euphemism by the way, obviously he unsheaths his sword all the time but he has to keep his 'sword' 'sheathed' if you know what I mean.

So do I stand a chance?

Yours
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

I suggest you impress upon her the virtues of your "sword" and what an impressive weapon it is. Death Cultists are kind of wacky like that, but if you play your cards right I think you have q shot.

Regards,
Space Emperor.


Dear Space Emperor,

I have a problem. Last week I'm fairly certain I noticed that my neighbor grew an extra, alien, arm and sacrificed my cat to the four-armed Emperor. Normally I'd report this, but the Inquisition threatened to gut me if I was involved in yet ANOTHER problem. What should I do?

Signed,
Arbite Bob

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

I have a problem. Last week I'm fairly certain I noticed that my neighbor grew an extra, alien, arm and sacrificed my cat to the four-armed Emperor. Normally I'd report this, but the Inquisition threatened to gut me if I was involved in yet ANOTHER problem. What should I do?

Signed,
Arbite Bob

Dear Bob,

It's good to hear from you again, though I still have no idea what happened in Boringstein.

That aside, I'm sending some Space Marines over to wherever you are to rescue you and bring you to Holy Terra so you can be one of my Custodes.

Regards,

Das emp
---------------------------------
Dear Empys,

Do you have Snapchat?

Regards,

Snapchat user

Dear Snapchat User,
I do indeed have snapchat, but i am very careful about who I add as one time I accidentally added Tzeentch and before I could yell "Khornes Skull Turds!" I was flooded with Slaanesh nudes.

But for reference, it is GoldyPauldronBishieWizardKnight31000

Dear Space Emperor,

How do I get Dead Rising 2 to work on my Intel 2.2GHZ processor computer? The processor's maximum speed claims to be 2.19GHZ, but i've never seen it get above 2.17GHZ.

Please help,

Computer Geek

Dear Computer Geek,

how can you ask me such question and call yourself a "Computer Geek?"

With regards
The God-Emperor of Mankind

--------------------------------------

Dear God-Emperor of Mankind

Mankind needs your help. Universe had divided into two parties, both claim that " 7 + 7 : 7 + 7 x 7 - 7 " is either 50 or 57.
Please, can you use your eternal wisdom and help us?

Thank you

Thomas Ellion, your desperate servant.

Dear Thomas Ellion.

I'm pretty sure that the answer is actually 0.

It's hard to think. I've been dead for nearly 10,000 years, and I was false before that.


-----------------------------------------------------------------


Dear space 'emperor,'

Is the universe we all know and love about to undergo a sudden and dramatic change?


Regards,

Your absolutely, totally non-heretical servant,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
the only dramatic change that's going to happen is termination of your life. The assassin has been dispatched.

Have a nice day,
Your false Emperor

.........................

Deer Emprah

You got any eyedia waay noobody understanding mee?
My inglish is much good i thinking.

Be gut
Yoursh sincireely,
Ramdoom hive sity inhibtent

 Hawky wrote:


Deer Emprah

You got any eyedia waay noobody understanding mee?
My inglish is much good i thinking.

Be gut
Yoursh sincireely,
Ramdoom hive sity inhibtent

Dear Hive Guy

I understand perfectly but then again I did have 18, 19, 20 or 21 sons so I'm used to bad spelling and handwriting.

Leman never even learned writing, he'd just send me crayon drawings of him smashing people.

But Space English is very hard with lots of weird spellings and grammar. That's why a lot of my guys only use Space Latin.

Vides? Latin spatium spatium est multo facilius quam Anglorum.


Imperator of spatio

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emporer

So the other day I was playing Space Poker with my buddies Rogue Richie and Rogue Rita when Rogue Richie played another Full Galaxy with all 400 Billion stars and that was like the fifth time he did it all game. And I was a little buzzed on Space Beer so I knocked over the table and pointed my Jokero Digital Nova Cannon at him and was like "Yer a cheat!'

So he kicks the table out of the way and takes out his Jokero Digital Planet Killer and points it at the floor and is all like "you take that back!"

Which incidentally explains why he was wearing his void suit the whole time.

And then Rogue Rita she disintegrates the table and takes out her three Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortresses and points them at the sun and is all like "you boys settle down or there's gonna be trouble"

Which incidentally explains why she was wearing an asbestos dress.

So long story short, Rogue Richie buys us all a round of Space Beer and we go back to playing cards but with the rule that Richie has to keep his hands on the table and roll up his sleeves. Funny thing, he didn't draw no more Full Galaxies after that.

Anyway my question is, where the heck do you get a Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortress from anyway? Much less three of them? Is there like a website somewhere?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear Emporer

So the other day I was playing Space Poker with my buddies Rogue Richie and Rogue Rita when Rogue Richie played another Full Galaxy with all 400 Billion stars and that was like the fifth time he did it all game. And I was a little buzzed on Space Beer so I knocked over the table and pointed my Jokero Digital Nova Cannon at him and was like "Yer a cheat!'

So he kicks the table out of the way and takes out his Jokero Digital Planet Killer and points it at the floor and is all like "you take that back!"

Which incidentally explains why he was wearing his void suit the whole time.

And then Rogue Rita she disintegrates the table and takes out her three Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortresses and points them at the sun and is all like "you boys settle down or there's gonna be trouble"

Which incidentally explains why she was wearing an asbestos dress.

So long story short, Rogue Richie buys us all a round of Space Beer and we go back to playing cards but with the rule that Richie has to keep his hands on the table and roll up his sleeves. Funny thing, he didn't draw no more Full Galaxies after that.

Anyway my question is, where the heck do you get a Jokero Digital Blackstone Fortress from anyway? Much less three of them? Is there like a website somewhere?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

Dear Randy,

If you come to Terra, and go to the Fortress store, you can get as many as you want. However, the cost will be OVER $9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regards,

Teh Space Emporer
------------------------------------------------
Dear President Emperor,

What were you doing on August 29th, 2005? You should know what that date is, but if you don't here is what it is: The Day that Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and wiped New Orleans off the face of the earth.

Regards,

Politically Weather Geek

Dear Weather Geek,

I was in secret hideout playing Blackjack with my closest companions. Why are you concerned?

Regards, The Emperor

P.S. I won.

-------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

do you like my poem?

"Once upon a time, there was a spark of light,
just after a teardrop fell, a giant cloud.

As the light closed in, everyone just died,
then a blast of sound was there, very loud."

Thank you for the answer,
Sincierly

The poem guy

 Hawky wrote:


Dear Emperor,

do you like my poem?

"Once upon a time, there was a spark of light,
just after a teardrop fell, a giant cloud.

As the light closed in, everyone just died,
then a blast of sound was there, very loud."

Thank you for the answer,
Sincierly

The poem guy

Dear Poem Guy,

I like it! It really makes me laugh (though internally)

Regards,

Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear Empys,

Can a man who has nothing to offer still offer his life?

Regards,

Man with nothing to offer