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Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Empys,

Can a man who has nothing to offer still offer his life?

Regards,

Man with nothing to offer


Hmm, y'know that makes sense. Hey Animated Corpse of Malcador the Sigillite, jot that down as a thought for the day!

As for you Man, please report to your nearest Blood Reactor Thingy, your life can help power the assistant sub-lieutenant governor's cognator. He has some very important cat pictures to look at.

Yours,
TSE

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Boss Man,

Hey I was just putting on my Solid Gold Armor, and checking my Sword the Size of a Teenager and my Solid Gold Dinner Platter/Storm Shield and checking the ammo on my Sword Guns and putting my Very Impressive Hat and suddenly I realized I don't have any frag or krak grenades!

What if I have to assault someone in cover or a vehicle!?

Do you know where I can get some?

Sincerely,
Custer the Custodeus

 
   
Made in us
Ancient Ultramarine Venerable Dreadnought






Illinois

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Boss Man,

Hey I was just putting on my Solid Gold Armor, and checking my Sword the Size of a Teenager and my Solid Gold Dinner Platter/Storm Shield and checking the ammo on my Sword Guns and putting my Very Impressive Hat and suddenly I realized I don't have any frag or krak grenades!

What if I have to assault someone in cover or a vehicle!?

Do you know where I can get some?

Sincerely,
Custer the Custodeus


Dear Custer,

Go to the Adeptus Custodes' Armoury, and they will have some.

Regards,

Das emp
----------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Keep your eyes on your own paper. It is now time to begin.

1. Rick Astley is never gonna...
a. Give You Up
b. Let You Down
c. Run around
d. Hurt you
e. All of the above

2. George W Bush...
a. Refused to help victims of Hurricane Katrina
b. Was really you
c. Doesn't exist
d. Both a and b

3. Alex Jones is...
a. Stupid
b. Dumb
c. A dumbass
d. really stupid
e. REALLY STUPID
f. Member of the Illumanati
g. fat
h. none of the above

Please return your answer sheet at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Random questions place

INSANE army lists still available!!!! Now being written in 8th edition format! I have Index Imperium 1, Index Imperium 2, Index Xenos 2, Codex Orks Codex Tyranids, Codex Blood Angels and Codex Space Marines!
PM me for an INSANE (100K+ points) if you desire.
 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Master with Gauntlets of Macragge




What's left of Cadia

Dear Random Question,

I really hate you, you know that right?

Regards,

Emp.

--------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Do the Sisters of Battle ever get a new codex and/or models? I love them, but their models are just so old....

Signed,

Hobbyist

TheEyeOfNight- I swear, this thread is 70% smack talk, 20% RP organization, and 10% butt jokes
TheEyeOfNight- "Ordo Xenos reports that the Necrons have attained democracy, kamikaze tendencies, and nuclear fission. It's all tits up, sir."
Space Marine flyers are shaped for the greatest possible air resistance so that the air may never defeat the SPACE MARINES!
Sternguard though, those guys are all about kicking ass. They'd chew bubble gum as well, but bubble gum is heretical. Only tau chew gum
 
   
Made in us
Ancient Ultramarine Venerable Dreadnought






Illinois

 War Kitten wrote:


Dear Space Emperor,

Do the Sisters of Battle ever get a new codex and/or models? I love them, but their models are just so old....

Signed,

Hobbyist


Dear Hobbyist,

No. They were retconned by 47th edition. But the models are still good keepsakes.

Regards,

The God Emperor
-------------------------------
Dear Empys,

I'MA FARMER IN MALAYSIA!!!!!!!

Can you come visit?

Regards,

Farmer in Malaysia

INSANE army lists still available!!!! Now being written in 8th edition format! I have Index Imperium 1, Index Imperium 2, Index Xenos 2, Codex Orks Codex Tyranids, Codex Blood Angels and Codex Space Marines!
PM me for an INSANE (100K+ points) if you desire.
 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Master with Gauntlets of Macragge




What's left of Cadia

Dear Farmer,

No I cannot visit. I'm busy pimp slapping the Custodes for being lazy gak heads for the last 10k years.

Signed,
Emperor

------------

Dear Space Emperor,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Signed,
Confused Citizen

TheEyeOfNight- I swear, this thread is 70% smack talk, 20% RP organization, and 10% butt jokes
TheEyeOfNight- "Ordo Xenos reports that the Necrons have attained democracy, kamikaze tendencies, and nuclear fission. It's all tits up, sir."
Space Marine flyers are shaped for the greatest possible air resistance so that the air may never defeat the SPACE MARINES!
Sternguard though, those guys are all about kicking ass. They'd chew bubble gum as well, but bubble gum is heretical. Only tau chew gum
 
   
Made in us
Ancient Ultramarine Venerable Dreadnought






Illinois

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Signed,
Confused Citizen


Dear Confused Citizen,

10 centimeters.

-Das emp
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Empys,

So, do you ever skip on Leg Day?

-idiot

INSANE army lists still available!!!! Now being written in 8th edition format! I have Index Imperium 1, Index Imperium 2, Index Xenos 2, Codex Orks Codex Tyranids, Codex Blood Angels and Codex Space Marines!
PM me for an INSANE (100K+ points) if you desire.
 
   
Made in gb
Boosting Space Marine Biker




midlands UK

Dear Idiot,

It's not like I have a lot of walking/running to do, or anyone to show off my legs to, especially now that my bromance with Horus has come to an end millenia ago. I'm too busy pondering how to maintain galaxy-spanning Imperium without moving or uttering a single word, whilst keeping up my practice in the art of the fishstick.

- The Big Man

------------------------------------------------------------

- Dear God-Emperor of Mankind

Do my righteous polished Mordian leather boots shine so much you can see it as clearly as the sun, from Terra?

- Guardsmen #8473719284848292828473827374747382828 the Tarnished

Blood Ravens, 1700pts

Empire 40 wounds

Astra Militarum 2250pts

Khorne 750pts

Space Wolves 1550pts

Orks 500pts

 
   
Made in cz
Mysterious Techpriest






Fortress world of Ostrakan

Dear Guardsman #84737192848482928473 aaaa, whatever.

Listen up you maggot, so it's you who caused the collision of the two superfreighters by bedazzeling one of the coxsweins.
You are about to get punished, but as I'm a merciful Emperor,
you will not be killed. You, and all of your current and future relatives will give half of their salary for damage compensation.
Total sum is 863quadrillion credits.

The Emperor
.................

Dear Emperor

Does theese robes make me look fat?

Sincierely
Mrs. Frogface


Neutran Panzergrenadiers, Ostrakan Skitarii Legions, Order of the Silver Hand
My fan-lore: Europan Planetary federation. Hot topic: Help with Minotaurs chapter Killteam






 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 Hawky wrote:


Dear Emperor

Does theese robes make me look fat?

Sincierely
Mrs. Frogface


I can honestly say, the robes do not make you look fat.

Definitely ain't the robes.

I mean unless you ate them or something.

Signed
Teh

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

SPACEY!

I just heard the GREAT NEWS and I'm so excited!

A BRAND NEW CODEX! Just for me and the girls! Oh and the Inquisition. And the psyker scum. And those Valkyrie drivers. And the Marines in Black. And whoever else was around that day. But still a BRAND NEW CODEX!

We can't WAIT to see it!

Feels like we've been waiting FOREVER!

I bet I have a great entry in it too! And probably NEW MODELS! I mean no offense but after a decade or two the armor starts to look a bit shabby y'know.

SO EXCITED!

LUV!

St Celestine, Hieromartyr of the Palatine Crusade
YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Master with Gauntlets of Macragge




What's left of Cadia

Dear Ms. Celestine,

I regret to inform you that I had no control over the content of the new book. All that it really gives you Sisters is more vitriolic debate over whether or not new models are coming (because guess what? There are no new ones with this book). Take that how you will I guess.

Love,
Emperor

-------------------

Dear Space Emperor,

When are we getting a new codex? We can barely hurt the enemies of Man with our current book, and those pointy eared gits are getting uppity.

Regards,

Guardsman #1133993

TheEyeOfNight- I swear, this thread is 70% smack talk, 20% RP organization, and 10% butt jokes
TheEyeOfNight- "Ordo Xenos reports that the Necrons have attained democracy, kamikaze tendencies, and nuclear fission. It's all tits up, sir."
Space Marine flyers are shaped for the greatest possible air resistance so that the air may never defeat the SPACE MARINES!
Sternguard though, those guys are all about kicking ass. They'd chew bubble gum as well, but bubble gum is heretical. Only tau chew gum
 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 War Kitten wrote:

Dear Space Emperor,

When are we getting a new codex? We can barely hurt the enemies of Man with our current book, and those pointy eared gits are getting uppity.

Regards,

Guardsman #1133993


Why would you need a new codex when there's always more guardsmen?

Love
Brigadier Fleet Joint Chief Teh Emporer

*******************************

Dear Teh Space Emporer,

So like there I was on the Eldar Craftworld Al'hadar y'know selling sparkly rocks and hard-core Tau pr0n (in brown wrappers of course, those Space Elfs are kinda shy) and I'm buying some different sparkly rocks and weird twisty things and then you'll never guess who comes by! It's Ellie Darr, Fairy Princess of the Eldar!

And she's like what's up.

So I'm like, hey I got a couple of bottles of Slanneshi Wine in my Rocket Ship, and she's like oh yeah, and I'm like oh yeah and so like we go upstairs and y'know, one thing leads to another and badda bing, badda boom yadda yadda.

So like the next morning as we're having space breakfast in my space bed she mentions that like she's only 170-something years old and I'm like OMG, cause like the age of consent for Space Elfs is 180!

Now she didn't say nothing to anyone and I'm sure not gonna tell anyone (cept you of course big guy) but shoot, do you think I might get in trouble?

Sincerely
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

 
   
Made in cz
Mysterious Techpriest






Fortress world of Ostrakan

Dear Rogue Randy

Trouble isn't the thing you are getting into...


And don't forget: "The Emperor Protects"

Der Führer aus Kosmos
-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear SpaceKaiser

As you know, Space Santa has been purged for heresy last year. Who is going to bring us presents this year?


Sincerely
Little Timmy


Neutran Panzergrenadiers, Ostrakan Skitarii Legions, Order of the Silver Hand
My fan-lore: Europan Planetary federation. Hot topic: Help with Minotaurs chapter Killteam






 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 Hawky wrote:


Dear SpaceKaiser

As you know, Space Santa has been purged for heresy last year. Who is going to bring us presents this year?


Sincerely
Little Timmy


Sigh...

First of all what are they teaching in those schools these days? Santa was NOT purged for Heresy, he retired with full honors back in M33 after Jesus' 12th coming (that's the one where the good dolphins and squirrels were taken up to heaven).

Gift giving was then delegated to his protege, Father Kwanzaa.



Father Kwanzaa lives in a castle on the moon and every Kwanzaa he flies through the air in a wagon pulled by 7 tiny gazelles and places presents in good little boys and girls' gourds which they hang by the door of their huts.

Yours
Teh Space E
**************************************************
Dear CEO and Chairman of the Board Teh,


Lately I've been seeing ads all over the Worlds' Wide Webway advertising Fall on Cadia. Now I love autumn on Cadia, watching the leaves turn, drinking pumpkin spice latte and going antiquing. And the Autumn Jazz Festival is to die for. But I wonder if maybe it's gotten too touristy these days. Do you think I should go to Fall on Cadia?

Yours
Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Master with Gauntlets of Macragge




What's left of Cadia

Dear Randy,

I would avoid visiting Cadia for a while, the tourists are acting a bit chaotic and you may develop a bad case of "bale flamer to the face" if you go there. Perhaps wait for winter?

Signed,

The Head Honcho

----------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Do you think you could persuade the Mechanicus to give us stronger weapons? Even Gretchin are laughing at our flashlights now.

Signed,
Guardsman #1044673

TheEyeOfNight- I swear, this thread is 70% smack talk, 20% RP organization, and 10% butt jokes
TheEyeOfNight- "Ordo Xenos reports that the Necrons have attained democracy, kamikaze tendencies, and nuclear fission. It's all tits up, sir."
Space Marine flyers are shaped for the greatest possible air resistance so that the air may never defeat the SPACE MARINES!
Sternguard though, those guys are all about kicking ass. They'd chew bubble gum as well, but bubble gum is heretical. Only tau chew gum
 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

Dear Guardsman,

Well yes, they could. But the problem is like for every Space Marine or maybe for every 10 Battle Sisters or Storm Trooper or every 10 of those hard to spell cyborg guys (skittles? Something like that) there's like a million billion guardsmen. So it's not that your weapons suck, well they do, it's that you should be like 4 points for a dozen guys or so.

Yours in math
Emporer

--------------------

Dear Teh

Wow can you believe it? It New Years Eve! Yay!

Just one thing, I ordered a new Space Calandar to replace my M41 Y999 calendar but the new one also says M41 Y999!

And I looked back and all my calendars for like the last 10 light years all say M41 Y999!

Should I sue the calendar company?

Is this why is still don't know who won the 13th Black Crudade?

Yours

Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader

 
   
Made in us
Ancient Ultramarine Venerable Dreadnought






Illinois

 Kid_Kyoto wrote:


Dear Teh

Wow can you believe it? It New Years Eve! Yay!

Just one thing, I ordered a new Space Calandar to replace my M41 Y999 calendar but the new one also says M41 Y999!

And I looked back and all my calendars for like the last 10 light years all say M41 Y999!

Should I sue the calendar company?

Is this why is still don't know who won the 13th Black Crudade?

Yours

Rogue Randy the Rogue Trader


Dear Randy,

The universe will likely not leave M41 Y999. Not until Games Workshop advances the timeline, anyway.

Regards,

Das emp
--------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperahh,

Is it snowing there? I have 1.5 inches of dry fluffy snow at my house in Illinois, 2017.

Regards,

Illinois Resident, 2017

INSANE army lists still available!!!! Now being written in 8th edition format! I have Index Imperium 1, Index Imperium 2, Index Xenos 2, Codex Orks Codex Tyranids, Codex Blood Angels and Codex Space Marines!
PM me for an INSANE (100K+ points) if you desire.
 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Emperahh,

Is it snowing there? I have 1.5 inches of dry fluffy snow at my house in Illinois, 2017.

Regards,

Illinois Resident, 2017


Well it sometimes snows here in the throne room when the zombie corpse of Malcador the Sigilite hits the wrong button on the AC, but he only does that every century or two.

Generally it's balmy 300 Kelvin in here just the way I like it.

Yours,
Teh
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Hey yeah, how you doing, I'm fine more or less, it's just y'know Astartes Mortis battle station I'm working on? We're having some production delays and such so I was thinking of bringing back the scientist Traitor McTraitorson to help out.

Now I know there are some questions about his loyalty but I have an awesome plan to totally win him over, I'm gonna shoot his wife and kid in front of him, then he'll have no distractions and be totally loyal.

He did a lot of the initial development work and has some very interesting thoughts on exhaust ports.

Sincerely
Director Krennic

PS: did I tell you I renamed my personal body guard Death Troopers? They have all black armor and look totally boss.

 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Land Raider Pilot on Cruise Control





Macragge

Dear Director Krennic,
Seems like a perfectly good plan to me. No way it could possibly go rogue on you. Just mind you don't choke on your grand aspirations.

Yours, The God-Emperor of Mankind

__________________________________________

DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH... I AM ALWAYS ANGRY! EVER SINCE I BECAME A SPACE MARINE! I JUST WANT TO HIT PEOPLE WITH BATS AND STUFF! IS THIS A PROBLEM???

--- SINCERELY, ANGRY ASTARTES!!!!

   
Made in us
Ancient Ultramarine Venerable Dreadnought






Illinois

 brushcommando wrote:


DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH... I AM ALWAYS ANGRY! EVER SINCE I BECAME A SPACE MARINE! I JUST WANT TO HIT PEOPLE WITH BATS AND STUFF! IS THIS A PROBLEM???

--- SINCERELY, ANGRY ASTARTES!!!!


Dear Angry Astartes,

Yes. I made Space Marines to not have emotions.

Regards,

Das Emp

PS: Calm Down
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Empys,

2 Days from now is January 20th, 2017. This is when Donald Trump becomes president of the USA.

Do NOT watch the inauguration.

Do NOT watch any news networks (CNN, FOX, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, etc...)

Do NOT listen to any Radio Stations at all (you'll never know which ones are covering the inauguration)

Do NOT watch the inauguration on Youtube

And just to be clear...

Do NOT watch the inauguration.

If you watch the inauguration, you will instantly regret it after it is over. Hell, you might regret it while you are watching it.

What CAN you do on January 20th?

You can watch The Weather Channel (provided by your cable or satellite network)

You can watch Hurricane videos on Youtube

You can watch Star Trek

You can read a book

You can paint minis

You can build minis

You can sing and dance

You can watch youtube poops

OR............

You can watch the Inauguration, thought that is not advisable.

Just please, DO NOT WATCH THE INAUGURATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me say it louder.

DO NOT WATCH THE INAUGURATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Regards,

Guy from the United Federation of IDIC

INSANE army lists still available!!!! Now being written in 8th edition format! I have Index Imperium 1, Index Imperium 2, Index Xenos 2, Codex Orks Codex Tyranids, Codex Blood Angels and Codex Space Marines!
PM me for an INSANE (100K+ points) if you desire.
 
   
Made in cz
Mysterious Techpriest






Fortress world of Ostrakan

Dear guy of the United Federation of IDIC

Please, tell me why I shouldn't watch the inauguration of my successor from the past?

Sincierely
God-Emperor Tr... err... *cough* Just the God-Emperor

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor

You sure know that Astronomicon attracts Tyranids like a lightbulb in the dark attracts insects. What do you think about building oversized Electric trap lamp around Holy Terra and wait until Tyranids fry themselves to death, like insects do?

Yours,
Arran Ekelemetebek, Hiveworld of Armaggeddon


Neutran Panzergrenadiers, Ostrakan Skitarii Legions, Order of the Silver Hand
My fan-lore: Europan Planetary federation. Hot topic: Help with Minotaurs chapter Killteam






 
   
Made in us
Grim Dark Angels Interrogator-Chaplain






A Protoss colony world

Dear Arran Ekelemetebek,
We can build it, but only if YOU pay for it. Better yet, we'll make the Tyranids pay for it (I feel like I've heard that before...).
Sincerely,
The Emperor
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

Look behind you...

Love and kisses,
Deadpool

My armies (re-counted and updated on 11/1/23, including modeled wargear options):
Dark Angels: ~15000 Astra Militarum: ~1200 | Adeptus Custodes: ~1900 | Imperial Knights: ~2000 | Sisters of Battle: ~3500 | Leagues of Votann: ~1200 | Tyranids: ~2600 | Stormcast Eternals: ~5000
Check out my P&M Blogs: ZergSmasher's P&M Blog | Imperial Knights blog | Board Games blog | Total models painted in 2023: 40 | Total models painted in 2024: 7 | Current main painting project: Dark Angels
 Mr_Rose wrote:
Who doesn’t love crazy mutant squawk-puppies? Eh? Nobody, that’s who.
 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 ZergSmasher wrote:

Dear Emperor,

Look behind you...

Love and kisses,
Deadpool


I can't

E

-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Teh Space Emporer

So yeah still working on that Astras Mortis Battlestation, almost done really, just a few adjustments and Professor Traitor McTraitorson is working on that exhaust port, it's kind of technical and I really don't follow all the details so I just leave it to him. He says it's real important the exhaust port work just right.

Anyway the reason I'm writing is I was thinking the other day how we have Storm Troopers on the land, and we have Sea Troopers in the sea (I know technically they're not canon but anyway) but what about the middle? What about the shore?????!

So I want to make a couple of squads of Shore Troopers who will patrol the shore and they'll carry extra suntan lotion in case someone runs out and metal detectors in case someone loses their keys.

I know what you're going to say, it'll cost a lot cause we have to make up some new armor (or the old armor and a new helmet) and paint it like a sand color and stuff but I was thinking we can use this opportunity to sell little tiny poseable 'action' figures based on the Shore Troopers. This will offset the cost and we might even end up making money.

That's what I did with my personal guard (did I mention I call them Death Troopers and they wear all black? You should see them, it's totally metal) and we made serious bank.

What do you think?

Sincerely
Director Orson Krennic

 
   
Made in us
Longtime Dakkanaut




On a surly Warboar, leading the Waaagh!

Dear Herr Director,

There will be no Shore Troopers and I'll tell you why. The beach belongs to one unit and one unit only...the Baywatch lifeguards. Anybody messes with, or replaces them and they'll feel my wrath!

Reaching for a disc from the complete series box set as we speak,

Da Emps


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hey man,

Mind if I swing by for a selfie next you and the Golden Throne next time I'm in town?

Keep abiding,
The Dude

   
Made in us
Ancient Ultramarine Venerable Dreadnought






Illinois

 BigWaaagh wrote:


Hey man,

Mind if I swing by for a selfie next you and the Golden Throne next time I'm in town?

Keep abiding,
The Dude



Dear Dude,

Sure, that's fine. But before you do so, you must:

Collect 139,377 brown rocks, then defeat Ug-Thak, Lord of Skags, then pilfer lost staff of Mount Schuler, then defeat the Destroyer of Worlds and then dance for my enjoyment.

Then you can take a selfie with me.

Regards,

Das emp
-----------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

So, did you cause Hurricane Irma, which obliterated New York City?

Regards,

Survivor of Hurricane Irma from an alternate 2017


INSANE army lists still available!!!! Now being written in 8th edition format! I have Index Imperium 1, Index Imperium 2, Index Xenos 2, Codex Orks Codex Tyranids, Codex Blood Angels and Codex Space Marines!
PM me for an INSANE (100K+ points) if you desire.
 
   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 KaptinBadrukk wrote:

Dear Emperor,

So, did you cause Hurricane Irma, which obliterated New York City?

Regards,

Survivor of Hurricane Irma from an alternate 2017



Dear Viv

No, no, no, that wasn't me, I loved New York, I still have a pastrami on rye kept in statis, every century or two I thaw it out and take a nibble.

That was caused by God who was angry about NY voting for Hillary.

Yours
Teh

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My master,

First off, I want to say everything is fine. Basically, in many ways, everything is fine.

We tested the Astares Mortis Battle Station yesterday (just a single reactor firing) and blew the @#$% out of this holy city, which I am sure will help us win the hearts and minds of the people.

BOOM!

It was awesome.

And after that I went to the Rain Planet to visit Professor McTraitorson and all his engineers and shot the #$%^ out of them so they could never, ever, ever share the secrets of the Thermal Exhaust Port which they worked so hard on.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

It was awesome.

Anyway after that I went to the Shore Planet to check on some records and there were some Rebel guys running around. And even though the Shore Troopers were there I think the stole one of the files and broadcast it to the Rebel Fleet.

It was probably nothing important, just Tribble breeding reports or Energon Cube production rates, or Soylent Green consumption studies. Nothing important.

So my point is, could you please tell Governor Tarkin there is no need to blow up the Shore Planet while I'm here?

Everything is basically, essentially, fine.

Sincerely
Director Orson Krennic

 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Land Raider Pilot on Cruise Control





Macragge

Dear DIrector,
I'm kind of with Tarkin on this one. When in doubt, stamp it out. Or, in high Gothic, EXTERMINATUS!

Also, why do you keep bothering me with this? To be a man in this age is to be one among untold billions!
Whatever happens YOU will not be missed...

Love, The God-Emperor of Mankind.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH! IT'S ME! ANGRY ASTARTES! I TRY TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND CALM DOWN, BUT NOW I AM JUST ANGRIER! I MET SOME PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME OF A GUY NAMED "CORN" THEY SAID HE IS STRONGER THAN YOU! THEY SAID HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY LIKE ME! IS THIS TRUE?

-ANGRIER ASTARTES!

   
Made in in
[MOD]
Otiose in a Niche






Hyderabad, India

 brushcommando wrote:

DEAR THE SPACE EMPRAH! IT'S ME! ANGRY ASTARTES! I TRY TO FOLLOW YOUR ADVICE AND CALM DOWN, BUT NOW I AM JUST ANGRIER! I MET SOME PEOPLE WHO TOLD ME OF A GUY NAMED "CORN" THEY SAID HE IS STRONGER THAN YOU! THEY SAID HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY LIKE ME! IS THIS TRUE?

-ANGRIER ASTARTES!


Ah Corn, that's the problem right there isn't it. Too much enriched Corn Syrup gives people rage issues, that's why I outlawed it back in M3 Y20 when I also outlawed caffeine and MSG.

So lay off the sugary soft drinks and kids cereals and you should be fine.

Remember Anger is Mind Killer.

Or is that Fear?

Or does Fear lead to Hatred which is the Mind Killer?

Something like that.

Teh

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Master,

Let me begin by assuring you beyond any doubt that things are in fact fine.

I have assumed command of the Astraes Mortis Class Battle Station following a rebel altercation in orbit around the Shore Planet. I quickly and decisively dealt with it by unleashing the full destructive power of this Battle Station on the Shore Planet killed the rebels, even the Hawt Chick.

Unfortunately Director Orson Krennic was lost in the battle but I think we agree it was no great loss. He was, as the younglings say, a bit of a spanker. The loss of the Shore Troopers is regrettable but at least we are free of those tiresome Death Troopers.

Death Troopers... are we allowing 12 year olds to name our elite military units now?

We believe that some data may have been transmitted to a Rebel ship and are pursuing it now. It is probably nothing relevant, just Grandma's Soylent Green Recipes or pictures of Tribbles dressed as My Little Pony Characters. Nonetheless we are pursuing them and expect to soon intercept them. From there we will proceed to deal with the Rebel-Sympathizer world we discussed and I expect we will then proceed to the hidden Rebel Base.

With this Battle Station operating at full power, with the Thermal Exhaust Port performing as expected we are now the ultimate power in this system!

Yours,
Governor Tarkin

 
   
Made in us
Longtime Dakkanaut




On a surly Warboar, leading the Waaagh!

Sup Gov?!

As for the 12 year old naming elite units...hey, my niece has a kid and he's been bugging her, so she's been bugging me, you get where I'm going on this...just let this one slide.

Living the la vida sitting,
Emps


------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Star Child,

What's with the hating of Orks? They're just fun-guys after all...

Sending out a little Waaagh to Terra,
BW
   
Made in nl
Raging Rat Ogre






Dear BW,

I never got a new mail box for the one you Green skin hooligans smashed before ****ing Horus put me on ****ing Golden live support.
Also you guy never payed for all the other damage you did.

Signed,
The Emperor.


---------------------------------------

Dear Holy God Emperor,

I, Inquisitor Kaldus Yavin have been tasked with investigating these false claims regarding you creation of you Holy sons the Primarchs.
Specifically the lost ones. Given you current state and me not wanting to make this enquiry longer than absolutely necessary, would you kindly sent me your response to the following statements I found and weather they are true or false.

These are the names of your Sons currently on record:
Horus, Leman Russ, Ferrus Manus, Fulgrim, Vulkan, Rogal Dorn, Roboute Guilliman, Magnus the Red, Sanguinius, Lion El'Jonson, Perturabo, Mortarion, Lorgar, Jaghatai Khan, Konrad Curze, Angron, Corax, Alpharius Omegon
Two names are lost. Is this correct or are there more lost Primarchs out there?

- Claims that one lost Primach is named Sigmar Heldenhammer and is worshipped as a God on some backwater world.

- Claims that one lost Primach is named Archaon Everchosen, fallen to Chaos on the same world mentioned in the previous enquire.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is called Rubicon founder of a lost Astartes chapter nemd the Iron Hearts.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is my mom. At least that was the awnser after viciously interegating Herertics who keyed my car. I thought I throw it in here just in case.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is the founder of our Grey Knights and is kept secret for that reason.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is the founder of the Deathwatch and is kept secret for that reason.

- Claims that one lost Primarch was actualy Malcador the Sigilite himself. I over heard some kids claiming this for there 3rd grade homework.

- Claims that two lost Primarch where actual test animal experiments, horses to be exact and that they turned into winged unicorns and escaped into the warp using tier new powers.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is working in accounting and goes by the name Steve. That guy is just so efficient.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is actualy Alpharius Omegon's identical twin, which would explane a lot.

- Claims that one lost Primarch is a woman named Samus Aran and is a bounty hunter.

- Claims that there are more than 21 original primachs, some sources claim up to 50.

- Claims that there are more than 21 original primachs and they are identical clones of the first 21 making it technicaly 42.

Some of these may not seem legit, but be advised they where the result of countless hour of observation and torture. Our historical records more resemble a barcode now, thanks to all the censoring done by the Ecclesiarchy and my fellow Inquisitors. We probably should have made some copies first.
Please respond at your earliest notice.

Always your loyal servant,
Kaldus Yavin.
Inquisitor ordo Hereticus.

A hemophobic Khorne berzerker, a germophobic plague marine and a sexy Skaven walk in to a Games workshop.....
-------------------------------------------
We mark the lands with blood, in fire we prevail.
We are tremendous. We are the end of days.
-------------------------------------------
It ain't appropriate for anybody, baby. That's the siren call!
 
   
Made in us
Ultramarine Land Raider Pilot on Cruise Control





Macragge

Dear Inquisitor Yavin.

In regards to your question, I can safely say that the answer to your question is as follows:

The first primarch was named [redacted] and was head of a legion known as [redacted]
The second, [redacted] was [redacted] and [redacted] [redacted][redacted].

Hope that helps.
[redacted]
God-Emperor of [redacted]


_______________________________________________________________________

My Emperor,

I seem to have recently returned to life and find myself in possession of your own flaming sword. My question to you is"
Can you turn the thing off? It seems impossible to do, and I can't just leave it lying around without starting a raging inferno. Things are getting quite uncomfortable here.
Love,
y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶s̶p̶i̶r̶i̶t̶u̶a̶l̶ ̶l̶i̶e̶g̶e̶
Your favorite son, RG

   
 
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