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Roboute! Is it realy you?

It's about time one of my non-***hole sons made contact with me. Roboute you have to come over here and help fix this mess. Disregard any rumours about me wanting to pull the plug on your stasis capsule and other such nonsense.
Here is a quick situation wrap up.
All of you loyal brothers are either dead or missing. A crazy state religion has taken over the Imperium. The Inquisition are colossal douchbags, people are asking me all sorts of stupid questions. My palace has been invaded by wierd colorfull creatures and yet they escaped before my custodes could kill them all. They lost a dreadnought. The techpriests are spending time praying to broken lightbulbs instead of replacing them. Not to mention the decrepit state the universe is in. I had a television set installed in my throne room and you have to help with programming the VCR. the clock keeps blinking at 12:00. I normaly would ask Rogal, but he buggerd off to somewhere centuries ago. Also on the way over here can you pick me up some groceries. My custodes will sent you a list. Bring money.

Thanks a bunch,
Dad

P.S. About that sword. It is probably defective. Just toss it at some unnecessary people. I got a room full of the things here in the palace armoury.

--------------------------------------------------------

To: Emperor of Mankind, from his humble servant: Nicodemus Ruth.

"I write this letter from my hiding place under agri-world designation delta 894-571, Calixis-sector, near Hazeroth Abyss. I have sealed my chambers to buy more time. I sent my ship away with as many refugees as possible and stayed on this doomed world. Emperor... I must warn thee of the great threat within this sector: The Tyrant Star. It's origins are unknown, although my sources indicate it may be older than the universe itself. It manifests as a black star, often possessing system's own, natural star, and shines pale, baleful light. It brings mutation, madness and untold horrors with it. That star now shines upon this world. I seal this letter into a plasteel box. Within there will be all the files I could gather before I had to hide. I pray it is not yet too late. The clock of Haarlock's, one I bought from one of his deserted mansions, one that never once has worked, no matter what I did now counts time to midnight, oiled with the blood of his kin. As I lay down my life and soul to save a few others, I pray for all souls of this world and the one beyond. May they find shelter, the protection of your light. The scratching at the walls has stopped. They come."

Ninja'd...I hate when I type slow!

Dear Nicodemus.

Sorry to hear that weird stuff is happening to you. I know it won't be much comfort to you, as you will, you know, be dead, but I'll have one of my boys, Krennic, Tarkin, Kylo Ren or somebody build a giant, Star-Killing superweapon to help you out with your weird star thingy. Hopefully, by now they've learned to build the things without easily accessible destruct-buttons and are no longer letting twelve year -olds name the garrison. Shore Troopers, Death Troopers? Seriously?

Any way talk to you later... I mean....
Bye.

The God-Emperor of Mankind.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dad,
I just wanted to see if it was true what that idiot brother of mine, Leman ruff-ruff the doggyborn was acting on your orders when he blew up my planet and knocked over my pyramids. those things took ages to make! Will you punish him for it? I got mad at him and hit him and then he hit me back, but harder and it wasn't fair and I hurt my back and then I got angry and well now I've got these wing things and....
Hope you can help me. ... I miss you.
Big Red..

P.S. sorry I broke your new webway thing. Didn't mean to...

 brushcommando wrote:


Dad,
I just wanted to see if it was true what that idiot brother of mine, Leman ruff-ruff the doggyborn was acting on your orders when he blew up my planet and knocked over my pyramids. those things took ages to make! Will you punish him for it? I got mad at him and hit him and then he hit me back, but harder and it wasn't fair and I hurt my back and then I got angry and well now I've got these wing things and....
Hope you can help me. ... I miss you.
Big Red..

P.S. sorry I broke your new webway thing. Didn't mean to...

Dear Magnus,

I can't use my psychic powers without causing excruciating pain to myself.

But I forgive you for the whole webway thing.

Regards,

Das emp

-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Emperor,

I remember back in Iowa, I watched The Weather Channel all the time. Seriously, that is all I watched when I watched TV.

But I don't remember what was on when I did watch it. Hell, it could have been Hurricanes, but I just don't remember.

Could you restore my memory so I can remember what I watched on The Weather Channel in Iowa?

Oh and is The Weather Channel still good today? I can only watch it when I go to my Grandmother's in St. Louis.

Regards,

Citizen from 2017 who loves The Weather Channel

Dear Citizen,

I can do alot of things, but restoring your memories is not one of them.
It's just too far back in time for me and attempting it could cause cataclysmic warpstorms all through the space-time continuum. Maybe if you could travel forward in time for about 40.000 years and come visit me at the palace. I can have a Librerian look at your problem.

Best Regards,
The Emperor.

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Fast-Food Franchise,

The burger I ordered got cold when I got home.
Please replace it for me.

Signed,
Customer #45289.54645

Dear Customer #45289.54645,

You have misdialed and reached the Golden Throne on Terra by mistake. In the future, such trivial matters as problems with your junk food habit should be directed to the appropriate vendor of such items. This matter has been forwarded to the nearest Black Ark in your sector for remediation.

Have a nice day,
E


----------------------------------------

Almighty 'Umie Warboss,

So, I wuz finkin' dat if we wuz to kombine our forzus, weez culd stomp da bugs back to wherevuz hive werld dey comes frum. Whaddyafink?

Big Waaagh

P.S. Did youz evaz fink of paintin' da throne red?

Dear Big Waagh!
Sigh... you know what? Fine. Let's join forces. Screw this whole "come the apocalypse" thing. I mean, heck, my good-for-nothng sons have finally begun to write to me after these long, lonely ten thousand years, so It might as well be the Apocalypse you know? Let's join together in a grand alliance and bring the galaxy to it's next golden age! We can call it... the age of me!
But nobody actually seems to listen to me anymore here, so good luck getting past my Custodes to paint the throne red...
Love,
The Immortal Emperor of Mankind
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Emperor of Mankind.

We're still in charge right? I mean with the return of Roboute Gulliman you'd think we High Lords aren't that important anymore are we? But you still mean for us to rule the galaxy in your stead, the way you always intended, right?

We await your answer with anticipation.

Sincerely, the High Lords of Terra.

Dear High Lords,

You are all a bunch of colossal ****ups! Yes you ruled the galaxy. However you never did it as I intended!
What where you idiots thinking. That I wanted the Imperium to be ruled by a crazy cult. I never wanted to be worshipped as a God. I did not ban all religions just so humanity could replace them with a religion dedicated to me!
I banned them because Religion turns everyone into a bag of dicks. It is even worse of a discussion subject than politics and both ruin family dinners faster than a creepy uncle and a rape secret.
Roboute will set things straight or at least die trying.
Enjoy your banishment to the old folks planet.

The Emperor.

---------------------------------------------

I am Andrew Ryan, and I'm here to ask you a question.
Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.'
I rejected those answers; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Rapture, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by petty morality.
Where the great would not be constrained by the small!
And with the sweat of your brow, Rapture can become your city as well.

Dear Andrew Ryan...
That sounds like a load of hogwash that will devolve into petty-cults and infightng right quick. You're lucky I need to stay on this throne psychically protecting humanity, or I'd come down there and show you who your BIG DADDY really is...

The Man on the Golden Throne.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Supreme Emperor of Mankind...
My name is Trayzn the infinite, and I sir, am a humble collector of rare and interesting artifacts. I was planning a trip to your most excellent homeworld of Terra and wondered if we might not discuss the workings of your most magnificent golden throne over... a cup of tea perhaps. Or blood? or whatever.

I eagerly await your response.
Your humble servant,
Trazyn the Infinite, Supreme Kleptarch.

Dear Trazyn,

I know exactly who you are and what you motives are. If you want a golden throne you have to know that several spare ones are kept in case the current one breaks down.
They then just scrape me off and plug me onto the new one. So, Yes you can have one for you museum. It's not like anyone has half the know how left to repair the broken ones anyway.
Also bring me pictures of you exhibits since I am unable to visit you museum in person. Tea would be nice, since if anyone has what is left of the real stuff, it would be you.
We can discuss an exchange. I heart you might have my son Vulcan in you collection.

Yours sincerely,
The Emperor of Mankind

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor

Are the end times realy upon us?
If so why have I not gotten the Bolter I wanted?
Mom said I would get one when the end times where upon us or when I am old enough.
Did mommy lie to me?

Suzy

Dear Suzy,
I am assured by reliable sources that this is NOT the end times. I am told that it is not about to become, you know the age of ME and darkness will reign for a while yet. And your mother is correct. By the time the real end times are upon us, you will find the bolters you seek lying plentifully on the ground next to the stricken bodies of your sisters, who will -- if I may use the expression -- remain truly metal till the very end... Till then, keep warm and safe.

P.S. Remember, two thin coats is always better than one thick one, so stick to cloth, not fur....

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

To the being known as "The Emperor of Mankind"
Greetings. Having recently been accosted by some of your warriors while traveling through a dimensional gate, I am curious to know my species brings so much fascination to your kind. These warriors -- clad in green armor and bearing flame emblems, seemed at first to regard me as a creature of disgust due to the shape of my ears. This is not new behaviour, as even my dear ship's doctor constantly prattles on about it. When I mentioned however, that it is because I am Vulcan, they all fell to their feet and seemed to worship me. Is this normal for humans in your universe? I find it most...fascinating and illogical.
Yours
Commander Spock. Science officer, U.S.S. Enterprise.

"Minor issue, just ignore it. They may have mistaken you for "Vulkan", their Primarch. Their long lost commander they've been searching for, for ten thousand years. I would advise running away very quickly, for they will not be happy when they realize their mistake. Also, there's nothing wrong with pointy ears. Aliens are perfectly fine, as long as they submit to my rule and do not harm mankind."
-E

~

Emperor of Mankind, Terra, Palace,

Please do something. You have no idea how boring it is just watching you sit down. You're omnipotent. Use it. Or summon someone to kill you, so you can be reborn. You are a perpetual. Or have you forgotten?

-The Omnipresent Observer

Dear Omnipresent observer,

It is time to come clean on this one. I love witnessing your frustration. It is one of the few things next to answering these posts that brings me some much needed merriment for what's left of my sanity.
Truth be told when I die. I know exactly what it is gonna happen, but I can not tell you, because that would spoil the surprise. Also using my omnipotence might screw things over for humanity and the universe at large, if it goes wrong.
I hope this answers your question.

Now stop complaining or I will have mounted in front of me so we cant have a stare down competition, which you will lose, because I am me.

Regards,
The Emperor

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Brad Jones,

In reference to March 11 Cinema Snob Forum. Grizzly II.

We just saw the so called Grizzly II footages at your website. I am stunned and furious about this unauthorized and vicious approach to a movie which is characterized by you as an "extremely bad and messy" film which was not worth finishing. I have made a copy of your video and sending it to my attorney.
I'd like to inform you that I am the sole owner and control party in the Grizzly II movie and without my authorization the movie can not be shown in any media or other related sources. I immediately request you to remove this horrible review and please contact me at my email address.

Suzanne C. Nagy

Dear Suzanne C. Nagy,

You have the wrong address. Now, I get to speak to you instead of the poor soul you send that to. Your reviewers have the right to say what they will. Listen to what they say. If your movie sucks, it sucks, regardless of what you think. Being omniscient, I must say I agree with your reviewer.

-E

~

Emperor of Mankind, Terra, Palace,

Bring it on. I'm a disembodied intelligence attached to an infinite array of ever-staring eyes. I don't even have eyelids. I am designed by the finest minds of the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED- to be the best omnipresent observer ever created. I have over 300 eyes looking at you right now. I was created to look at things, and I am the best observor belonging to the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED-. You are nothing to me but another item to stare at. I will stare at you for a time imperceptible by human eyes, you have my word. Even though it is very boring.

-The Omnipresent Observer

 Verviedi wrote:
Emperor of Mankind, Terra, Palace,

Bring it on. I'm a disembodied intelligence attached to an infinite array of ever-staring eyes. I don't even have eyelids. I am designed by the finest minds of the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED- to be the best omnipresent observer ever created. I have over 300 eyes looking at you right now. I was created to look at things, and I am the best observor belonging to the -MEMETIC HAZARD REMOVED-. You are nothing to me but another item to stare at. I will stare at you for a time imperceptible by human eyes, you have my word. Even though it is very boring.

-The Omnipresent Observer

Dear Tzeentch,

I don't mind if you watch.

Exhibitionistically,

THE SPEHS EMP

+ + + + +

Dheear Heempurhor,

Hwee haff naht hritten hyoo hay letter in sooo long. How haff hyoo beeen? Anyhway, hwee were jess hwanderreeng eef hyoo har glad that hyur son Robooot Gweelymans finally hwoke ahp frum heez nahp time. Hwee think eet ees hwanderful that hyoo two can spehnd sum time togathur hafter hall thees meeleeneehah. Reemeembur to hyoos tooothpayst!

For Kayhoss,

Culteeest-chan

Dear Cultist-Chan,

That letter was painful to read, and I will enjoy your inevitable painful self-sacrifice to the dark gods. But yes, I will enjoy time with Roboute. As long as he doesn't start criticizing my floor tile arrangements, or yelling at Custodes for decorating their armor in a non-standard manner.

-E

~

Dear Emperor,

Why didn't you give Pertuabo more respect and appreciation? You really could have prevented a lot of suffering, if you hadn't been an asshat to your children.

- Pertuabo, I still love you, even though you don't love me... ;( Roboute Guilliman

 Verviedi wrote:
Dear Emperor,

Why didn't you give Pertuabo more respect and appreciation? You really could have prevented a lot of suffering, if you hadn't been an asshat to your children.

- Pertuabo, I still love you, even though you don't love me... ;( Roboute Guilliman

Dear Bobby,

I love all my kids, in a very specific order. You are like my second or third favorite son. Pert is like my ... eighteenth favorite.

Favorably yours,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

+ + + + +

Deer Humie Megaboss,

'Ere, wazza matta wiv yer? Yer been sittin onnat gold frone 'steada crackin skullz wiv da boyz. Why dun yer pinch it off awreddy eh? an' git onna war paff agin.

Cordially,

Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka

Dear Ghazghkull,

There are many things wrong with me, but the sitting on the throne is mostly because this chair is EXTREMELY comfortable. Plus I can explode peoples heads from half a galaxy away, I don't need to move.

-----------------

Dear Space Emperor,

Are you a fan of Blood Bowl? If so which team is your favorite? I'm partial to the Reikland Reavers but that's just me.

Signed,

Morg'n'Thorg

Dear Morg'n'Thong

I'm not fan of Khornate quisine, sorry. But do tell your Chef team that I wish them good luck in the upcoming cooking competition.


Der Kaiser
...........................

Dear Emperor

What does your ideal wife looks like?
And who was your most favourite woman you ever have been with?

Redactor of the Galactic Gossip
Jonathan Dayman

Dear Mr. Dayman.
I've never had time to deal with such trivialities as women. I respect of course that many women serve as guardians and workers for the furtherance of humanity, and are therefore necessary to my efforts. Most of my time was spent among my space marines. We had no time for pleasure. Ours was an existence of constant conflict. Well muscled men...dripping with sweat from exertion... struggling with one another, hand to hand... ooh. All this talk of the heresy has the golden throne's coolant systems working overtime. Better leave it at that.
Sincerely,
The Emperor

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Emperor
It has come to my attention that you also enjoy calling yourself the emperor and ruling the galaxy. Also, that you have a fondness for sitting on thrones and not doing much else, surrounded by badass looking guards -- one of my favorite hobbies. Perhaps you could join me and together we could crush these insignificant rebellions and bring peace and securtiy to the galaxy?

Just a thought.

The Emperor.

Dear Emperor,

It seems we are pretty much the same. Are you perhaps a fragment of my soul that got lost in an other dimension after Horus put my on golden clandestine life support.
If so merging our universes would probably have huge cataclysmic consequences.
Not to mention enraging a bunch of huge nerds on the internet and possible starting nightmarish lawsuits between our corporate owners.
My lawyers of the Adeptus Justiculus have advised me not to answer any further on this matter on the ground that it might incriminate us.

Regards,
The Emperor of Mankind,

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor of Man,

I have an unnatural hatred for the color magenta, do you hate the color magenta? And if so will you join my underground resistance to purge this world from everything magenta colored and related?

Revolutionary Yours,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 korbenn wrote:
[b]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor of Man,

I have an unnatural hatred for the color magenta, do you hate the color magenta? And if so will you join my underground resistance to purge this world from everything magenta colored and related?

Revolutionary Yours,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Magenta? No, no, I'm pretty cool with all the colors, except of course yellow. You know Dorn's boys, forget what they're called, Umpire's Gloves? Something like that.

They had like one job, build me an unblowupable space castle and keep everyone out so I can get some peace and quiet.

And look what happened.

So I made them wear yellow as a sign of shame.

Old Man Emperor
----------------------------------------------
Begorah! Once more tis Saint Drink'n'fight's Day. Tis the day we shall all get drunk... N'FIGHT!

How are you celebrating Saint Drink'n'fight's Day?

May the road always rise to meet you
Patty McO'Stereotype

Dear Patty,

Saint Drink'n'fight's sound like an Ork holyday based on the ancient celebration of Saint Patrick's Day, or the Feast of Saint Patrick. It was one of many religious celebrations I abolished after banning all religions on Earth.
The only way humanity could progress was through science, rationality and galactic conquest, so religion, for turning people into raving douchbags had to be flung out a window.
So in short I do not celebrate Saint Drink'n'fight's day. As for the rest of the Imperium under the rule of that massive pile of festering stupidy called the Ecclesiarchy. From what I understand celebrating anything related to drinking and fighting is probably considered heresy unless it is fighting with the enemies of man. Still it is all pretty hypocritical.

Regards,
The Emperor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Holyness,

If violence is the answer, then what is the question?
Other than the obvious ones.

Purgingly Yours,
Brother Ferroxius.
Astartes Ultra.

 korbenn wrote:
Your Holyness,

If violence is the answer, then what is the question?
Other than the obvious ones.

Purgingly Yours,
Brother Ferroxius.
Astartes Ultra.

Dear Ferocious B,

Other than obvious, huh? Allow me to explain by reference to the renowned greenskin philosophers Gork and Mork. You see, Gork held that a direct approach is preferable while Mork argued that the best approach is to misdirect or, on occasion, redirect. Whereas Mork emphasized aesthetic effect, Gork favored economy of action. These two great thinkers, however, agreed that whether subtly or obviously enacted, violence answers every worthwhile question.

Pedagogically,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

- - - - -

Hey pappy,

How's the Cadian real estate market these days?

Ungratefully,

Zeke A.

Dear Zeke,

Cadian real estate prices are at an all time low. There are alot of prime pieces of land available with a canyon view and even lots of wonderfull floating islands in space, perfect for eccentric mansions or space based theme parks.
Some minor CHAOS infestations and volcanic activity aside. It is the perfect place for anyone who is crazy enough not to take advantedge of this great situation.
So I suggest you get right on it.

Signed,
The Emperor

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Emperor,

Since your death by ****ing Horus's hands and you resurrection on the Golden Throne I have a possibly sensitive question...

So... What was the after-life like? And how did you come back?

Always Loyaly Yours,
Chaplain Formelgus
Astartes Ultra

Dear Chaplain Formelgus,

Your question is incredibly offensive, prepare for maximum exterminatus

Love,
Emp

------------

Dear Space Emperor,

What is the meaning of life? As I sit here and stare at my comrades being shot into low orbit by artillery fire I find myself wondering why I'm here?

Signed,
Guardsman 138838388

Dear Guardsman 138838388,

I see you are some of the unfortunate many who are being foolisly wasted as cannon fodder by the same inept idiots that ruined my glorius Imperium.
I would say the meaning of live is 42. However in my long live I found out that the meaning of live is a lot like time. Relative!
So here is a personal answer: You are not a number you are a small valuable part of the imperial war machine. You have a name, remember your name!
Your are not to die for the Imperium, but to make the enemy trying to destroy it, die for it.
Also the Uplifting primer thing is complete Groxshit and a waste of the paper and ink used to make it.

Keep up the good fight,
The Emperor.

______________________________

Dear God Emperor,

Since you are the Prime Psyker of the Imperium I have a question.
I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?

Sincirly,
Sister Vennerina Decata,
Order of the Repentant Rose.

 korbenn wrote:
Dear God Emperor,

Since you are the Prime Psyker of the Imperium I have a question: I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?

Sincerely,

Sister Vennerina Decata
Order of the Repentant Rose

Mortal,

Before my untimely enthronement, I had Malcador set up a hotline for this kind of issue. Just pick up your vox and dial 1-800-CONFESS. A friendly Customer Service Inquisitor is standing by to assist you with your possession and the expurgation process. You will find that we don't actually need to record the voices. It is more a matter of drowning them out. With fire.

Scorchingly yours,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

+ + + + +

To the high chief of the mon'keigh tribe, Salutations -

Have you by any chance come across a mega bitchin' relic sword and/or spear of Eldar origin? Asking for a friend.

Inscrutably,

Yvraine

Manchu wrote:

 korbenn wrote:
Dear God Emperor,

Since you are the Prime Psyker of the Imperium I have a question: I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?

Sincerely,

Sister Vennerina Decata
Order of the Repentant Rose

Mortal,

Before my untimely enthronement, I had Malcador set up a hotline for this kind of issue. Just pick up your vox and dial 1-800-CONFESS. A friendly Customer Service Inquisitor is standing by to assist you with your possession and the expurgation process. You will find that we don't actually need to record the voices. It is more a matter of drowning them out. With fire.

Scorchingly yours,

IMPERATOR OMNIPOTENS

+ + + + +

To the high chief of the mon'keigh tribe, Salutations -

Have you by any chance come across a mega bitchin' relic sword and/or spear of Eldar origin? Asking for a friend.

Inscrutably,

Yvraine

Dear member of a dying Xenos race,

Bitchin' Eldar relic, you say? So that's what Roboute has been using to pick lint and other random space debris out from under his toenails! No, I haven't seen it.

Time for you is fleeting, I suggest you go now and attend to your personal matters.

Still Rockin' the Throne after all these Millenia,
Golden Boy

P.S. Please pass along my warmest regards to my fellow god, Ynnead.


==============================================================


Your Royal Emperorishness,

It's a big ass Universe. Why can't we all get along?

Tired of digging latrines near the front,
Guardsman Nairoj Ne'layerfej
15th Xordic Rangers

Dear Guardsman Nairoj Ne'layerfej,

We can't all get along because most of our enemy's are want us death. Seriously do you realy think we can get allong with the likes of the Dark Eldar, Orks, Tyranids, Necrons and Chaos followers.

Seriously the other guardsman that ask me about the meaning of life at least some common sense in him. I would suggest you should change places with him if it where possible for you to go back in time.

I would like to answer you in song, but it would not translate well in text.

Go catch a bullet and safe a much more usefull guardsman.

Signed,
The Emperor,

-------------------------------------------

Dear Golden God Emperor,

Is there an "Ask the Space Emporess!" that can handle more feminine questions?

Yours Faithfully,
Citizen #4824897\23