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ok then forget about what i said^^ must be all that health food^^...er ...then again...probably rabis^^

Rabies? Note to self:
Do not catch Online-Rabies.

Yes was probably Q'Orl.

Unless the planet explodes like the death star from Star Wars it is perfectly possible for there to be survivors of exterminatus.

In HH novels and audio stories, there were many survivors after the life eater was released, both astartes and human, by dint of being in a bunker or deep enough underground not to be affected.

Well I'm away from home ATM, but I'll see if I can do an update tomorrow if my creative juices are flowing ^^

Good luck!

Yes

Not got any creative juices ATM, but I'll try get some all cooked up by tomorrow ^^


Automatically Appended Next Post:
Okay, all the stuff I've put up to date is in the article, as well as editing the "necrons" into the mutations, though only mutated insects were shown (yet )

Couple of things I found "out of place":
1. The giant insect is still referred to as a "lord"
2. 1 moment Audax is unarmed, the next moment he has a force weapon (which only grey knights have)

other than that its pretty sound!

JohnnoM wrote:Couple of things I found "out of place":
1. The giant insect is still referred to as a "lord"
2. 1 moment Audax is unarmed, the next moment he has a force weapon (which only grey knights have)

other than that its pretty sound!

Grey Knights have NEMESIS force weapons which act totally different to normal force weapons (which many races have, including CSMs, SMs, Eladar to name a few (and their are others...))

KK, didnt realise, but still, Force weapons dont just magically appear, right?

well, they can, depending on the owner's psykic powers...

There have been case where they have been 'summoned', or are interigated into the users armour...(which, techniquely wouldn't aply here...)

JohnnoM wrote:Couple of things I found "out of place":
1. The giant insect is still referred to as a "lord"
2. 1 moment Audax is unarmed, the next moment he has a force weapon (which only grey knights have)

other than that its pretty sound!

1. Must have missed that one, it's fixed now.
2. Audax struck with his left hand, was floored, then struck with his right- the arm which was holding the force weapon. It's been made clearer to stop any confusion.

Cool, not trying to be an ass, just making sure you knew.

JohnnoM wrote:Cool, not trying to be an ass, just making sure you knew.

Was never in any doubt otherwise
I'd much rather you voiced any unsureness (if that's not a word, it is now) as the story goes on, than someone else reading it in full and pointing out all the little flaws that can ruin a story.

Cool. And I agree its those little things that make it better.

Hopefully more fluff by this weekend

Since I've had a recent influx of new fluff readers, I might aim to put up around an update a week

Good luck, may they flow well.

Then came the other commanders, each getting thier choice of mixtures, but being set a specific number of men, with orders to include at least a squad of each speciality, with at least 2 full tactical squads.

Lenore decided, upon hours of contemplation, who he would take.
He chose squad tactical squads Chrontus and Hontor, Bike squad Sentor, Assault squad Flastron, Devastator squad Ungis, Terminator squad Invect and Scout squad Caddius.
He'd chosen both those inside and outside of his command, never having ordered Sentor, Ungis or Invect before. Caddius was an old aquaintance of his, serving alongside each other over a century ago as scouts. Lenore had ascended while Caddius chose to stay as a scout, training neophytes and helping them on thier way up over him. Flastron and Sentor he'd seen in action before, and both were fluid and solid squads. Tygon was recommended to him by Arendi as being dependable and decisive. Ungos he'd heard positive reports of, and so included him in the mixture, and Invect, well, you don't really need a reason to choose any of the crusade squads.
In total, he had 65 marines there, and then formed his command squad out of those he knew and trusted most- Apothecary Coe, who'd saved the lives of most of Muninn at least once; Veteran sergeant Oten, who was a loyal space marine and tough fighter; Special weapon veteran Hadel, who once had destroyed an entire squadron of baneblades with accurate and deadly meltagun shots; Ancient Pentor, who'd held the company banner aloft for decades without it's holy cloth ever touching the ground, even when his left arm was cut off by a chaos lord during Istvaan, and Champion Ultis, who'd bested the leader of just about every race he'd come across.

trying not to make it too much like a list, but it's pretty difficult any ideas?

well i see how you first made probably a list and then filled that list with fluffy bitz surrounding the names...why so? do you want to tell a story or do you want to make a fluffy list? if the later then yup... you succeded... but i think this is not a story as it has no real development here... and i think if you stay on the rather listy telling then you wont get character development and drama...my suggestion is toss them in an adventure and see how all develops... i also think you on´t have to be afaraid about ruining your list by having a developing story... i think those should be treated as two seperate things...

Viktor von Domm wrote:well i see how you first made probably a list and then filled that list with fluffy bitz surrounding the names...why so? do you want to tell a story or do you want to make a fluffy list? if the later then yup... you succeded... but i think this is not a story as it has no real development here... and i think if you stay on the rather listy telling then you wont get character development and drama...my suggestion is toss them in an adventure and see how all develops... i also think you on´t have to be afaraid about ruining your list by having a developing story... i think those should be treated as two seperate things...

actually, I wrote it as you read it, just writing as I thought it. I'd like to give the reader knowledge of which squads are with Lenore, but I can't think of a way of doing that without reeling them off like an army list. Maybe I'll just put in a couple of squads and fill the rest in as the story goes?

i would really start making up some scenes... take some chars and make a scene with action or dialoge...i think then all will develope a bit more life like...

I agree with viktor.

Viktor von Domm wrote:i would really start making up some scenes... take some chars and make a scene with action or dialoge...i think then all will develope a bit more life like...

yeah, that's a good idea, I'll do that.

...and Champion Ultis, who'd bested the leader of just about every race he'd come across...

Lenore decided that he would take his company to the agricultural farming world of Thoria III, an industrial world on the fringes of the deliverence system, where local planetary defence forces and a small warband of imperial guardsmen led by a commissar-general were fighting to contain a chaos-driven uprising.
Lenore met with his senior officers- Veteran sergeant Validus, Epistolary Audax, Chaplain Praxis, Terminator sergeant Invect, Scout sergeant Caddius and Command squad veteran Oten. He discussed deployment plans, and settled to split his forces in two- one to be led by Audax and Invect, another to be led by Lenore and Praxis personally. Validus, Caddius were amongst those who stuck with Lenore to quash the rebellion in the capital, along with a tactical, devastator and bike squad.
To be spread out amongst the rest of the outlying cities and towns were an assault, tactical and, despite numerous protests, Lenore's command squad. If the detachment was to be spread out, then it would require more leaders, and the command squad was full of them. There were approximately three towns and two cities in the immediate viscinity of the capital of Eros.
By the time the squad leaders had arranged thier squad's deployments using more focused and in-detail maps of thier area, they were reaching planetary orbit.

all right mate... finally read my way through...i think you are on to something with the current development of the story... a kind of agenda is forming...a red thread to be followed... i hope we will see why the astardes have to be lending a hand on thoria III. and how this is a piece in the vengance puzzle to restore the chaoter to honor and good health. the battle against the insects..sorry again to be able to read it so late only...i am a bit two splitt.... on one side i think you draw good action scenes and show us new species...nut what "bugs" me is the way you carlessly kill of many marines in one halfsentence with a great big swing.... i think the way you can kill so many marines somehow degrades them... the idolic soldier or make that supersoldier of a spacemarine shouldn´t be killed so easy... well actually one could at first say it was a terrifiing oponent those insects... great and odd shaped and fierce looking and powerful and near invincible... for so many marines these insects were only but death... but then after that raging battle now the robbed chapter is able to put up with this strong enemie all with but a very tiny force... compared to the big force they were at the beginning....it is a bit uneven to say that many SM are not that able to fight against an unknown enemy than few... is that understandable? hmmmm.... one other thing i can think of.... for me, when SM are talking to each other... i imagine them to be talking wellbehaved and tempered and courteous to each other... they can bicker and curse but in a very strong bullnecked and even a bit gaylike way... like one would talk to their grandparents while thinking about them angry...you use too many short versions in direct speach... your description storytelling is far better than the direct speach... it is not in "charcter" ... try to think of a bulk of a fighter that has the speachhabbit of the queen... and is also capable of kicking the snot out of a demon....now that is a scary image but thats exactly what space marines are... a controverse being... unrealistic and not lifelike... becuase lets face it if these hulks would roam in our cities, we all would be running heads over tails to get out of their way^^

i hope i haven´t ruined you day...but remeber this.... your strength definatly is in descriptive storytelling....try to draw that strenght to your dialogues...

cheers, vik

I'll work my way through that post and change as needed when I get home

hope you don´t get a heart attack from my musings... *ducks*

Viktor von Domm wrote:on one side i think you draw good action scenes and show us new species...what "bugs" me is the way you carlessly kill of many marines in one halfsentence with a great big swing....
able to put up with this strong enemie all with but a very tiny force... compared to the big force they were at the beginning

for me, when SM are talking to each other... i imagine them to be talking wellbehaved and tempered and courteous to each other... they can bicker and curse but in a very strong bullnecked and even a bit gaylike way... like one would talk to their grandparents while thinking about them angry...you use too many short versions in direct speach...

basically, those are the key points I've got from your post, and I'll try to correct them

as quick as it was unexpected, half a dozen of the raven guard were killed by blurs of motion that nearly, but not quite, managed to remain unseen. Audax was wounded in that brief and deadly struggle, but managed to slay one of the creatures with his force staff. On further inspection, it was some kind of giant insect with dozens of legs. Even the legendary raven guard weren't expecting that. They were looking for rampaging daemons, not giant insects. Lenore leaned in over the twitching creature, and sent a plasma round through it's head, just to be sure. He was hailed over the vox link by Praxis- he had found something. The newfound enemies were guarding no mere cave- they were guarding some kind of nest.

as Praxis turned to get the others over, another insect smacked him off his feet, requiring some strength seeing as he was in full terminator armour. The abominations snaked around the walls, tens of them, and soon every raven guard was fighting for his life. Bolt rounds had to be sent through eyes or between exoskeleton plates to cause any significant damage, and the astartes adapted quickly by drawing its attention away, then using a well-placed krak grenade placed in unarmoured gaps to destroy them from the inside. As the last of the monsters were wiped out by blasts of plasma and crackling power weapons, there were a mere two-dozen raven guard left.

Audax single-handedly slew a trio of the monstrosities, and the survivors made thier way towards the mysterious nest. They planted grenades around the cave to cover it up from any more creatures that might be lying in wait, and so it came to finding out whatever was being guarded. As they turned to face it- it had been torn apart. There were screams from the other side of a barricade of rock, amplified by helmet-speakers, and several raven guard lay dead, a smaller but obviously more dangerous creature standing over them. It was twice the size of even Praxis, with six legs and a bloated abdomen covered in armoured plates. Boltgun and plasma rounds could not damage it- grenades exploded harmlessly off its armour, and Praxis himself planted his crozius through its chest- it roared in pain, cast it away and then smacked Praxis across the side, launching him several feet. Angry beyond belief at the death of so many of his brothers, Audax charged at it, bellowing. it swung it's talon-like legs. Audax ducked the blow, swinging his empty left hand and punched the insect's body. It withstood the blow with but a tiny acknowledgement of the strike. It grabbed the still extended arm and snapped it like a twig. Crying out in pain, Audax fell to the floor. As the thing stood over him, it raised the pointed tip of one of it's legs downwards, and leant back to deliver a killing blow. Audax rolled on his belly, spinning up as he did so with his one good arm, and rammed his crackling force weapon through it's side. At the touch of such a force weapon, the potent insect disintegrated. With this, Lenore's thirteen-strong group left the forsaken place, to be awarded and promoted accordingly.

the changes are way better now... i think you now have to really see the scene before your eye... amybe try it with some models... for my taste the battle is far too fast over... mind you a fight of some mere seconds can last in a book over several pages... the fight between audax and this abomination is longer and better as it is more complex... try to capture that spirit in the beginning fight too...

Viktor von Domm wrote:the changes are way better now... i think you now have to really see the scene before your eye... amybe try it with some models... for my taste the battle is far too fast over... mind you a fight of some mere seconds can last in a book over several pages... the fight between audax and this abomination is longer and better as it is more complex... try to capture that spirit in the beginning fight too...

I've always had a love for books, but could never write one that lasts more that a few pages... maybe this will show me how ^^ Audax's fight was a tad experimental after analysing a few fight scenes in various 40k books ^^