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I don't think he intends to murder him. I think it's part of a plan...

 Knightley wrote:
Ho Ho Ho, an inquisitor thinks he can stop a mantis warrior with a heavy bolter strapped to his arm.... my thinks it wont be so easy.

Building and building, I like the way your bringing this together Ice

I think you may have missed the part where Nefas waits to have the conversation until after the heavy bolter was removed.

hahah i thought it was still strapped to his arm too hahaha

“Because I have to kill you Inushi.”

Time slowed to a crawl as Inushi felt the weight of the words.

“Because I have to kill you Inushi.” The phrase echoed in his mind. What could he do? What could he say?

“Because I have to kill you Inushi.” It echoed again. How was he going to do it? Could he stop Nefas in time?

That was when he felt a cold barrel at the back of his head. Nelson. The servitor had a small arm that carried a melta pistol. The slight touch from the weapon sent a shiver through Inushi’s spine, he had been carrying the means to his own demise almost the entire time. How could he have been so blind?

The cold barrel tip began to warm up when Nefas raised an eye brow, “Unless you join me,” he hissed.

Inushi’s mind reeled at the thought, how could he join Nefas? Working for the Inquisition in any way was something he had never even considered. The possibility wasn’t even something he believed was possible given his chapters history. Then again, what would he have to do to become an agent? What had Jaska and the others given up to work for the Inquisition?

More importantly, what kind of people had they become? In a split second he saw all of the destruction they had caused and thought about all of the people that had died. Inushi tightened his jaw and stood tall before Nefas.

“You fight without honor, using deception and lies. You can not even trust your own soldiers with their own memories. I have seen you use questionable technology and now I learn you have been bartering with xenos.” Inushi narrowed his gaze. ”You have truly strayed far from the Emperor’s light Nefas.” He slowly shook his head, “I want nothing to do you with and your men, and if that means death.”

Inushi leaned his head back onto the now steaming pistol. His skin began to boil as hair burned away. “So be it,” he spat through gritted teeth.

The red eyes of Nefas stared back at him in silence. The smell of burnt flesh and hair began to linger, yet Inushi didn’t move.

“Why can’t you see what I am trying to do here? We saved an entire planet from an invasion that would have captured a planets worth of humans for that xenos filth and you think I am the dishonorable one?” Nefas flashed anger in his eyes, his red eyes bore into Inushi. There was a tone in Nefas’ voice that Inushi had never heard before, as quickly as he noticed it Nefas huffed. “You will never understand what it takes,” he trailed off. A glazed look over took his gaunt features.

“How will any one understand when everything you do is shrouded and hidden?” Inushi retorted.

“No one will and no one can, some knowledge is too dangerous.” Nefas hissed absentmindedly.

Inushi slowly shook his head, “Emperor have mercy on your soul Inquisitor,” he added.

Nefas refocused his attention to Inushi before he slowly stepped forward and grabbed Inushi’s head in both hands. His red eyes stared deep into Inushi’s and narrowed. In his last seconds Inushi felt pity for Nefas.

“Good bye Inushi,” was the last thing he heard.

Pleaded?

Pleaded??

Reasoned perhaps... I don't see a combat tested marine pleading over anything... even his imminent demise.

I think he would plea, not because he is afraid, because marines can not be. He is angry that he is about to be killed by an ally. He doesn't think it is right to be punished for simply having more information then he should. He is pleading because his death will not be an honorable one.

Then he is compounding his situation... pleading would be a dishonorable action for a marine. Plead for a the life of a brother, or an innocent perhaps. For themselves... never.

....NELSON??? IT WAS FREAKING NELSON???

Master Azalle you make me laugh.

To Gits point, I think most marines would not plead. Ideally they would all be honorable and stoic individuals but they are still humans each with their own faults. Inushi had some faults that had he lived, he may have had to deal with. His mouth got him into trouble before, maybe it may have done it again.

But Death By Melta to the Dome Piece??

You sir, are disturbed individual. But I love your writing and can't wait for moar.

Thanks Azalle.

I have continued to think about the word choice. Several of my non dakka readers have weighed in as well. I think there may be a better word choice out there. Plead is so often used with an uncontrollable emotional response that I dont want you, as my reader, to associate with this situation.

A hunt for an alternative has begone.

It's not just the choice of word Ice, it's everything Inushi did in that last scene. None of his actions suggest that he's a space marine. In scene after scene we've seen him analyze a battle situation in fractions of a second and cooly calculate his best options... but not here. He's undergone years, perhaps decades if rigorous indoctrination and religious education to the point of zealotry or beyond... but there's no hint he gives to slightest thought to his God-emperor, his chapter, even his brothers-in-arms. Is he defiant? Nope. He panics, and his one and only response is to try and weasel his way out of the situation by selling his soul to the enemy...

If this scene truly reveals the faults in his character... he's better off dead, because all he can do is bring shame to his chapter and his Emperor by his cowardice and betrayal.

Let me share something with you guys. When I am writing a pivotal or emotional scene, I try to take a great suggestion that Dan Abnett himself told me when I met him at Adepticon. Later on I had heard that Tolken did this too. One of the things that he has done is instead of editing a scene. He will simply write it again from scratch. Tolken apparently did this with entire books. He would write it, read it, and then start all over making the next version better and more detailed then the last. So I want to share with you another version that I had already written for this scene. I was very on the fence with it so as you can see I went another route with my posted version. I wanted to stress some flaws within Inushi. Cold analytical space marines are characters that are hard to get behind because of their lack of emotion. That is why so many great 40k books have non space marine characters as protagonists. I think I've been reading to many 40k novels because all of my favorite space marine characters are always the broken ones and I wanted to make Inushi a little more broken I guess.

Before I ramble to much further, here it is. I didn't edit this one as much, don't judge that aspect please.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This portion was removed to prevent future confusion on my story. Thanks for reading!

Thats really interesting about Dan and Tolkien and I guess not being a writer I wouldnt have thought to do that. It actally gives me a bit more reason to go back and revisit my fluff. Not right now mind you to much to paint.

On to the scene. I felt the way it was written gave more credence to being a loyal marine and one who sticks up for his religious beliefs (the Emperor)

I personally feel it was better than the other ending.

Well, given the choice of: Inushi betrays everything he's supposed to stand for, or he stands up for everything he's supposed to stand for... my preference isn't going to surprise anyone. That being said, it's your character to do with as you need to move the story along. Odd as it sounds, I wasn't mad at you for writing it... I was mad at him for doing it.

Perhaps I need a shrink...

That being said... what you first posted is much less of a flaw and more of a complete betrayal. Flawed characters are more interesting, but to have one come out of no-where and go against all the character development you've done so far is not probably what Abnett was talking about.

Good feedback guys. I really appreciate the comments. I think I will go back and do some further editing on the second posted scene and then use it instead of the original. My good friend Gubble raised a good point after he read them both. My first scene gives you more insight about the sick demented mind of Nefas, where as the second concentrates on Inushi being a good guy. I want to keep Inushi painted in that positive light but I think I need a little more Nefas being sleazy in there.

I have a couple days off again so I should have an update for you guys soon.

Okay, I think I finally agreed on a final rendition. I guess it is always subject to change but I feel like over the weekend I was spinning my wheels more then getting anything accomplish. I removed the original post and my second version and in its place I posted the one that I will be keeping. Please review and let me know.

THEN, we will be moving on. Time to change gears for a bit. Thanks again for reading and responding.

I wonder if Nefas remembered to remove his head from in front of Inushi's before the Melta gun went off? That would be a bit awkward.... OK, let's face it.. funny as hell.




Thank you for considering my point-of-view Ice. I do appreciate all the time and effort you've put into this. I also like the fact that it does show that Inushi is flawed (as you wished) by not being able to look at the big picture... but was true to his honor and his belief's at the end.

Yeah I like that passage, no complaints from me... of course other than Inushi dying of course

LOVE the new rendition. Very well done Ice!

It is good to hear that you are all enjoying the newest version and thanks for being my "editors". This epic fluff wouldn't have gotten here with out all of your help and support. Work continues on the next section but I have to say, I have had to go back and do a lot of research and rereading of my own stuff. It has been too long since I dealt with Mortifex, Razzik, and Tsabo.

*cough* and Micus *cough*

Thanks to Knightley's recommendation, I find another good piece of fluff worth reading.

Welcome BNG1991. Enjoy the fluff and please comment on what you like. I always like the feedback.

Thanks Knightley for the recommendation.

Mortifex shook his head repeatedly before slamming his fist onto the make shift table. The other marines instantly stopped their arguing while the echo of the impact ricocheted around the room and down the hall. Slowly Mortifex sat back on the metal beam he was using as a seat. He closed his eyes and took a moment to collect himself.

While his eyes were shut he realized how much he preferred traveling in silence with Micus and Xerin. When Mortifex opened his eyes he exhaled and looked at each of his marines in turn.

To his left was Xerin, the perfect line trooper. He never questioned any one of higher rank. He was excellent with his shield and power sword. He was the kind of warrior he was honored to fight beside. Mortifex could trust him with his life but he had no desire to spend any more time with the laughless marine of the Ouroboros Chapter. He could not understand how any marine could so literal when it came to commands and rules.

Next to Xerin lounged the technological master of the squad, Bonamire. The Salvage Angel was always tinkering with something and his skill with his plasmagun was astounding, too bad his lax attitude and lack of respect frustrated Mortifex to no end.

Off in the shadows with his head down was Micus, the mentally unhinged marine was slowly bobbing his head while chanting an unknown prayer. Mortifex had never seen or heard of a marine with any sort of mental affliction. Nefas never told him how he got it, but Mortifex never asked. He truly was not sure he wanted to know what had happened to the marine or why he had not been locked up along time ago.

On the other side of the table, flipping his combat blade absentmindedly through the air was Tek’Ar. The scout of the squad was the only one that seemed to understand Mortifex on any social level. He was known to keep information to himself unless explicitly asked. He knew him to be reliable and incredible at what he does, too bad he disregarded most of the creeds that Mortifex held so dear and typically followed his own commands over any Mortifex ever issued.

Standing right behind Tek’Ar was Saddicus, their apothecary. Priest, was the term he called himself, but Mortifex preferred apothecary. The yellow armored Lamenter had to be one of the dourest marines in the entire Empire. Mortifex often wondered if Saddicus was banished from the Lamenter chapter for taking their name sake too far. His high pitched voice did not aid to the fact that he was incredibly annoying.

The blue and white armored marine adjacent to Saddicus was Deklyn. The hairy marine was from the Storm Warden Chapter. They clearly did not have any servitors or serfs that helped with hygiene. The filthy stinky marine could strangle orks with his odor. It was something that Mortifex still did not understand. He could also not understand how an astartes could be overweight. Deklyn had an appetite that would cause small cities to go hungry if they chose to feed him instead.

Mortifex mentally shook his thoughts of annoyance when he met the gaze of his last squad mate. Directly to his right, leaning on the damaged table, stood a stern looking marine in gleaming armor. Olivero of the Twin Sabres chapter had many many names. In fact Mortifex was not sure he had even heard all of the names that he claimed to have. Typically he referred to himself as the Celestial Unicorn. According to Olivero, it was an esteemed position within his chapter. If any one asked Mortifex, it meant that he was an incredibly outspoken nitwit. That being said, no one wields blades better then him. Olivero had on multiple occasions defeated the rest of the squad single handedly, as long as no ranged weapons were involved. Come to think of it Mortifex had seen Olivero fire his wrist mounted bolt pistol on only a few occasions in the all the years they have spent arguing with one another.

“Emperor save me, I do not like any of you!” Mortifex thought to himself. A plummeting piece of space debris crashing into this spire and killing them would not be a bad thing right now, he briefly envisioned.

“Olivero,” he pointed at the marine that was on the edge of speaking, “stay quite for a moment while I recap what I have just heard.” Mortifex took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts.

Mortifex continued to point to Olivero, “You believe, without a doubt, that the traitor is a human that is surprising everyone in a local tournament of sport.” He then pointed to Bonamire, “You believe that the traitor has to lie within the local Mechanicum.” Morifex rolled his eyes at that thought.

“Saddicus, you think we are all wasting our time per usual, and Tek’Ar, you think that there is something awry in deep in the bowls of this Spire.”

Mortifex held his arms out wide, “We have spent two years on this planet searching for clues and scouring every major city, and and and….. We Have Nothing!”

Olivero, at this point, could not keep to himself any longer. “How dare you speak down to the Celestial Unicorn and push aside His wisdom?! You shall know the taste of my blades before the night is through.”

Six sets of eyes rolled at the empty threat from Olivero before the room began to fill with arguments and chatter. Mortifex sat back and sighed. He wanted nothing more then to be away from this planet and these marines.

I like this.

It put a lot of differences and what seems like a lot of tension into a group of super human killers.

I feel like at any given moment, this team could implode on each other.... oh the joys of management eh?

I rather liked it as well.


You know what it really reminded me of... Like in those 80's combat action films where youve got the crack team of misfits. Youve got the straight man in charge of them all, the fat guy, the knife guy, the arrogant guy... All around, excellent introductions to the group!!

Im very much looking forward to seeing more of them

Your story is excellent in terms of character depiction and plot continuation.

For character depiction, your original characters are distinguishable. For example, you have successfully shows Mortifex's struggling with the team's situation. The interactions only strengthen the characteristics of Mortifex as the leader.

For plot continuation, no suddenly twist and senseless scenes were spotted.

~

By the way, if my submissions to GW could meet the English standard they require, I wouldn't be watching this excellence piece of work and licking my wound. I have a lot to learn to improve my English...

I don't mind sharing my works in PM if you wish.

I like it. But the whole group needs to be virus bombed.

...

Just sayin'.

Some one sounds salty because of Inushi

To be fair I will be as well when Micus dies.