Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

[Tilts head and looks at jhe] You should also stop talking, like the mumbly hooded one.

...Who I've just remembered, shot me.

*shrugs*

Only way to explain this place.
It means basically your authority is in the same state of flux as this room....

Oh and there a 7 foot cockroache behind you.

I'm not falling for that one. [Folds arms]

My authority is universal, I'm a Lord-fething-Commissar.

...I mean I'm a fething Lord Commissar. I'm not literally- [Backhand punches the cockroach without looking] -fething anything.

*casts Mind War on BC*
And I'm a Farseer of Ulthwe
*engages BC in a mental duel*

[Stares at WK] ...That's a very strange face you're making. Stranger than usual. It's a strange face generally.

[Kicks the cockroach before it can get back up again] Does anyone care if I shoot this one? It's not somebody's beloved pet, friend or fiance?

No, that you welcome to kill. There's only a few hundred more on the 11th floor.

[Fires storm bolter in a brief burstand decapitates roach] Ugh, messy thing.
[Whistles and a few troopers come to clean it away] I rather assume that the kroot has better things to eat than this, if not I apologise for starving the under privileged.

Now. [Gestures to BC] Come out and demonstrate your capabilities to lead and encourage, or this will be a very short interview.
[BC nods and shuffles over]

*secretly voxs wk*

Looks like you need to manipulate guard into doing as Benny says. Make him look at least passable.

*nods discretely*
*eyes glow with power as she glances towards the assembling Guardsmen*

[Gently prods BC] If you are a non combatant, then you must prove your worth as a motivator and leader. Come on. [Leads him to the barracks]

Wait, girlfriend? What happened to your vows, and your chem- [Sighs] -one thing at once.

*Adjusts hood and prepares an array of white, red, and silver grenades, with lightning bolts on the side*

*discreetly nods in return*
*secret vox to support team*

Show time, be ready to move on my mark, good luck Sisters.
Fire mission exorcist locked on barracks, smoke and stun only.
Have the thunderhawk ready to extract.

*to room*
Good luck Benny.

*voxs BC*
If you see attached file.
Commissars can marry long as outside of chain of chomand.
Regulation issued new commissariat law circa m37

Guess you missed that.

Now, to avoid any favouritism. [Snaps fingers and a dozen troopers walk in from outside the room and line up at the barracks]

These men are seasoned veterans, and [turns head to look at WK] fitted with psychic null units. [Points to nearby obstacle wall]
get them over that. [Nudges BC forward]

[BC says something very quietly to the troops] [Troops set off running, vault the wall and hide behind it]

[Recoils] God-Emperor above, man.

*looks at BC innocently*
I did nothing. Perhaps you're paranoid?

*Relaxes slightly and hides the grenades again*
I'm not worried. Thankfully, you're all apparently oblivious.

Don,t look at me, I'm not a witch. Just got a shard of saint bonded to my soul. *puts hands up*

Don,t ask, no one knows why.

*looks on happily*

*orders rescue team to lower alert level*

[Looks at Verviedi] I'll get to you later. Busy.

[Calls the men back] [Turns to BC] Now, do that again without making us all want to vomit in confusion.

[BC nods] [BC holds out hands and explains calmly] [Men run and scale the wall happily]

See, that's better! Confusing, but better.

[Calls both back] Now, let's hear you give a motivating speech, and get these men cheering. [Looks expectantly at BC]

[BC starts making a balloon animal and taking guesses from the audience] ... ...

*looks on*

Oh feth....
*team, wait on my signal if needed*

What are we watching?

[BC stages a re-enactment of the first battle of Armageddon using balloon tanks, infantry and air support, complete with sound effects] [At the conclusion, the ceiling explodes with confetti over the tiny battlefield] [Troops start clapping excitedly]

[Facepalms] Whilst this skill is ....masterful... it's not remotely what I asked for.

[BC looks distressed]

[Looks at jhe] Help me out here. You know what motivational speaking is, right?

*sighs and teleports out of the Room*

Oh, thank the God-Emperor. [Removes hat and pulls off null banding] ...That was starting to ache. [Troopers remove theirs, similarly]

[Slaps BC around the back of the head] You. Get back to your assessment.
[BC gives a demonstration on correctly stuffing party-bags, followed by how to hang bunting]

[Grinds teeth]

*crashes through the wall in a Salamander*
*shouts cheerfully*
Sorry about that! Parking lot outside was full.
*gets out and starts unloading supplies, oblivious to the stares*

...Call me when there's significant chaos and/or conflict. I am going to go lie down.
*Leaves a single grenade on the table in complete view of everyone*

[Raises storm bolter] Explain yourself, this property damage, and your apparent disregard for protocol, in that order, before my finger finger itches.

[Is handed a bouquet of paper flowers] [Accepts it without taking eyes off WK] Also why your commissar is incapable of functioning under pressure.

*without even looking*
He had severe mental damage, that's why. Plus someone left a frag grenade in his brain for several months, and some of the explosives may have leaked into his cerebral cortex. And as for me? I am nobody, just another Guardsman. Oh, and the Room repairs itself
*points to now repaired wall*
Now, put away that storm bolter before I decide to shove it somewhere you won't like.

[Looks at BC] ...Suddenly it makes a lot more sense. That's... Actually very sad. [Looks down at flowers] Not excusable, but at least we are probably culpable, and won't have to bill his next of kin for the disposal of his remains. They do find it distressing... [Muses]

[Fires bale eye and blasts off WK's helmet] You, threaten me?

*Bale Eye deflects off of helmet*
*doesn't even turn around*
Threaten? Oh no Commissar, that was a promise. Now, unless you want to receive a colonoscopy via storm bolter I kindly suggest you put it down.

That's Lord Commissar, and you're either insane, or mentally bereft, meaning there's even less place for you in the Astra Militarum than this- stop handing me flowers- pathetic example. [BC looks hurt]
[Raises Storm bolter level with WK's head] And you say I don't have to concern myself with property damage?

*shrugs*
I've been called worse. And you do realize being a "lord" commissar just makes you an even bigger target?
*completely unphased by the storm bolter pointed at his head*

[Looks at flowers] The perks outweigh the cons. [Sighs and pulls trigger]