Forum adverts like this one are shown to any user who is not logged in. Join us by filling out a tiny 3 field form and you will get your own, free, dakka user account which gives a good range of benefits to you: No adverts like this in the forums anymore. Times and dates in your local timezone. Full tracking of what you have read so you can skip to your first unread post, easily see what has changed since you last logged in, and easily see what is new at a glance. Email notifications for threads you want to watch closely. Being a part of the oldest wargaming community on the net. If you are already a member then feel free to login now.

Dear Space Emperor
I wuz wondrin, wotz betta:

A big wagon wiv a real big gun dat killz stuff ded

Or a load of runty grots with bomz dat kill stuff less ded but gives ya roasted grot for da victory feast.

Coz we've got dis big battle against doze panzy eldar and I wunts ta kill em good.

Mekboss Kogtoof

Well Mekboss Kogtoof go for the runty grots because thay are vary good and it will help to kill more Xenos

Your loving Space Emporer

Dear Space Emporer
Why can't I become a SM, when I ask they beat me with dead grots why Emporer WHY!

Dear Emperor of Mankind,

I have written you numerous times explaining my case. I am about to be executed for heresy and would really like it if you could call the Imperial Govenor for a stay of execution. A phone call, a letter, a post it note that says dont do it would also be great.

Yours,
Tick, Tock


Dear Tick, Tock,

I thank you for your letters and the opportunity it will provide others to learn from mistakes. I indeed sent a note to the Imperial Governor Mikel' asking him to immediately end the stay of execution. Unfortunately, he misinterpreted it as "stop delaying." Oh, well live and learn.

- Mr. Emperor


Dear Mr. E,

The sisters and I could use your advice on dating more specifically, whom among your followers is worthy of a Sister of Battle?

- Lonely in the convent

Dear Mr. E,

The sisters and I could use your advice on dating more specifically, whom among your followers is worthy of a Sister of Battle?

- Lonely in the convent

Dear Poorly Disguised Desperate Woman,

I don't know. I heartily recommend that you and your entire convent set out for Holy Terra immediately, so that I can meet you in person and judge each and every one of you (possibly two at a time).

Yours sincerely,
the Horniest Corpse in the Universe.

Dear Fabulous Empra,

I think that the other Blood Ravens don't like me much. Avitus shot my foot off when I tried to give him a reassuring hug and Brother-Dreadnought Davian Thule went mad after I painted him pretty colours (dark red is so last season) and scented his sargophagus with lavender. How was I supposed to know he's allergic to it? What's more, Tarkus hit me when I tried to buff his bald head, the Captain won't let me near his hair with a comb, and Thaddeus stomped on the flowers I put in his jump-pack to make the smoke smell nice.

Why do the other sergeants hate me? All I want to do is share my floral doilies with them and bake them cupcakes, but they always point and laugh at my wavy silken hair in the cafeteria and even Chaplain Mikelus laughs at my beautifully woven dress. What's wrong with me?

Yours sincerely,
Scout Sergeant 'Muffins' Cyrus

Cheese Elemental wrote:[b]

Dear Fabulous Empra,

I think that the other Blood Ravens don't like me much. Avitus shot my foot off when I tried to give him a reassuring hug and Brother-Dreadnought Davian Thule went mad after I painted him pretty colours (dark red is so last season) and scented his sargophagus with lavender. How was I supposed to know he's allergic to it? What's more, Tarkus hit me when I tried to buff his bald head, the Captain won't let me near his hair with a comb, and Thaddeus stomped on the flowers I put in his jump-pack to make the smoke smell nice.

Why do the other sergeants hate me? All I want to do is share my floral doilies with them and bake them cupcakes, but they always point and laugh at my wavy silken hair in the cafeteria and even Chaplain Mikelus laughs at my beautifully woven dress. What's wrong with me?

Yours sincerely,
Scout Sergeant 'Muffins' Cyrus

Dear Scout Sergeant 'Muffins' Cyrus,

I have taken the liberty of transferring you to a unit more appreciative of your skills, effective immediately.



-The Great One

Dear 'Uman Boss,

How many monies your teef worth? Mez a Goff so plenty teef! Bet yourz can buy spacershipz!

Sincerely,
Grot Grot

Dear 'Uman Boss,

How many monies your teef worth? Mez a Goff so plenty teef! Bet yourz can buy spacershipz!

Sincerely,
Grot Grot
my teeth can buy you and your planet and your race and your 'teef' and the tau and the eldar and humanity and forever life and the nids and the space maries and whatever army is in the records, etc.
dear emp,something-or-other
is it a crime to forget your name?
-forgot my name wait its joe,no,no its uh, ................

Anung Un Rama wrote:oh my gork! I killed the thread.
no seriously, I was kinda bored when I wrote this. If you like ignore it and answer that last question

oops

lord of the ghosts wrote:
dear emp,something-or-other
is it a crime to forget your name?
-forgot my name wait its joe,no,no its uh, ................

Oh Least, and Least Named of My Servants,

It is neither a crime, nor is it unexpected that you have forgotten your name. Honestly, I forget millions of my servants names. Forgetting my name is absolutely a crime. Boris did everything he could to save himself from my terrible wrath when he forgot my name, but I blew him out of this dimension. I believe you lesser beings call this the Boris Bearacy because it was so embarassing. Perhaps you named it after some bears? Eh, I'm bored. You are hereby renamed Boring. Enjoy it and worship me.

The Infallible Emprah of Spez



Mighty and Fearful Spess Emparar!

I've been having some difficulty with my tech-priest. He assures me that I must insert some portion of myself into the activation socket to turn on my communication dais, but then bursts into laughter everytime I do so. Would it be heresy if I punched him in what's left of his face? I've got nothing against you, but tech-priest Hurtz Doanit is really getting on my nerves. Also, does he have to stand on my foot to change the frequency of the radio?

With all due glory for your Spaceliness, and a rapidly decreasing reverence for the Omnissiah,
Rogue Trader Somnambulant

Mighty and Fearful Spess Emparar!

I've been having some difficulty with my tech-priest. He assures me that I must insert some portion of myself into the activation socket to turn on my communication dais, but then bursts into laughter everytime I do so. Would it be heresy if I punched him in what's left of his face? I've got nothing against you, but tech-priest Hurtz Doanit is really getting on my nerves. Also, does he have to stand on my foot to change the frequency of the radio?

With all due glory for your Spaceliness, and a rapidly decreasing reverence for the Omnissiah,
Rogue Trader Somnambulant

no it is not heracity to punch him in the face,in fact i have assigned him to fight a hive fleet. You wont see him anymore then again, I did send your whole chapter......oops

dear name giver
thanks for the new name, my lasgun is broken can i get a leman russ for Christmas
- Boring

Dear name giver
thanks for the new name, my lasgun is broken can i get a leman russ for christmas
- Boring

Dear boring,

Yeah you can have a leman russ for christmas, unfortunately its going to run you over for believing in the heretical holiday of christmas. Well have fun with your new tank, I know I enjoy the sound guardsman make when they get run over.

Sincerely, THE SPACE EMPEROROROR.



Dear, Big Guy,

There's an arm growing out of my head and I have prom tomorrow. Is there any way you can help me out, its so embarrasing.

From, Hurry Please.

Dear, Big Guy,

There's an arm growing out of my head and I have prom tomorrow. Is there any way you can help me out, its so embarrasing.

From, Hurry Please.

Dear Harry Plees

Have no fear. My faithful inquisitors will ensure that you will not have to worry about the prom.

Your bestest Buddy
E

Dear the Space Emperor

The other day me and the guys was making fun of dem puny humans, you know, the ones with the green sissy suits and no power armor and flashlights stead of real guns.

So they was talking about their new Balk- Vilk- uh... flying thingies and I was all like what ever, come back when you got the cool stuff like the Land Speeder Storm, cause lemme tell you, that's the sheet right there.

Cept when the fighting starts all our Storms get shot down right away and all them Vallc- flying thingies are blowing up tanks left and right and guardsmen are jumping out of them with melta guns and flamers and I'm all like huh?

So like how come the weedy guys got them cool Vaulk- flying thingies and we don't huh? Huh?

Love
Marneus Calgar
Lord of Macragge
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Courage and Honour!

Dear the Space Emperor

The other day me and the guys was making fun of dem puny humans, you know, the ones with the green sissy suits and no power armor and flashlights stead of real guns.

So they was talking about their new Balk- Vilk- uh... flying thingies and I was all like what ever, come back when you got the cool stuff like the Land Speeder Storm, cause lemme tell you, that's the sheet right there.

Cept when the fighting starts all our Storms get shot down right away and all them Vallc- flying thingies are blowing up tanks left and right and guardsmen are jumping out of them with melta guns and flamers and I'm all like huh?

So like how come the weedy guys got them cool Vaulk- flying thingies and we don't huh? Huh?

Love
Marneus Calgar
Lord of Macragge
Chapter Master of the Ultramarines
Courage and Honour!
dear 3 meter giant
because you have a better view thats why
E
i got noithing i will start the theard again later thank you

lord of the ghosts wrote:

Anung Un Rama wrote:oh my gork! I killed the thread.
no seriously, I was kinda bored when I wrote this. If you like ignore it and answer that last question

oops

make a new question

(well we can't let the tread die now can we? So here's some relationship issues for TSE)

Dear the Space Emperor:

I love you.

I really love you.

I mean I LOVE you.

Sure all the other girls at the Fortress-Convent they SAID they loved you but they were just skanky hos trying to get between me and my man who I love.

LOVE!

That's why I pumped Toxin Gas into the Fortress COnvent's life support. I had to show those skanky hos my love for you.

LOVE!

I took the Convent's courier ship and set course for Holy Terra. Soon we'll be together, it's destiny.

And if those stuck-up gold-plated @#$#ers try and stop my from seeing you I'm gonna take their @#$#ing pole axes and @#$# them up the @#$!

Because I love you.

Love,
Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina
Order of the Emperor's Love
Fortress Convent #69, the Shrine of Eternal Devotion

Dear Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina
Order of the Emperor's Love
Fortress Convent #69, the Shrine of Eternal Devotion,

If I had an army of womyns with your fervent passion, we could quickly dispatch all my foes. I look forward to seeing you jam things in those gold-plated fellows. Despite my requests, they won't do such things, saying it's "impure". I mean, I'm the frakking Space Emperor, they should do whatever I say, because whatever I say is pure.

On to another question.

Dear the Space Emperor:

You're a corpse god and we're coming for your shrunken frame. I will use your skull as a cup to drink the blood of the fools that worship you! Then they will see the true power of the universe as it reveals itself!

But, onto my question. I've been having trouble getting dried blood out the joints in my power armor. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,
Karak Mundare
Seventh Company
Word Bearer Legion

Dear the Space Emperor:

You're a corpse god and we're coming for your shrunken frame. I will use your skull as a cup to drink the blood of the fools that worship you! Then they will see the true power of the universe as it reveals itself!

But, onto my question. I've been having trouble getting dried blood out the joints in my power armor. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,
Karak Mundare
Seventh Company
Word Bearer Legion

Dear Heretic Scum,

This is an automatically generated reply. Due to the overwhelming about of hate mail received via the Eye of Terror Mailbox, we have implemented an automatic response system.
Thank you for your kind comments about the Emperor. Did you know that he is the God of all Humanity? Your kindness will be repaid in full should you make a pilgrimage to Holy Terra. Your loving comments shall be burnt in a sacred firepit somewhere on Terra.

Thank you,
The space emperor
there is a handwritten note scrawled onto the bottom hastily
Hey Karak, try mixing two parts water with one part Holy Prometheum. Soak in a bath of this, with your helmet on. Then light the mixture on fire, exit the bath, and dry yourself in front of a Slaaneshi Blastmaster.
Khorne's biggest fan,
Reggie the renegade guardsman.



Here's one for the space emperor.


Dear Space Emperor,
How do you grow food on an ice planet? An inquisitor, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to bring me along with him on a holy mission to kill some xenos on an ice world. I came along and, using my lasgun, fought to protect his person from the xenos scum. After we had finished, the inquisitor offered me any reward within his power. Being a humble, Space Emperor-fearing man, all I asked for was to see my family again. He proceeded to leave. Two weeks later, he showed up on the Ice Planet with my whole family! Truly his wisdom is great. Now that he's gone again, I'm wondering if you have any ideas as to how we're going to to feed ourselves, all along on this hostile planet. Thank you in advance, almighty Space Emperor.
Sincerely,
Frozen on an Ice World.

Dear the Space Emperor:

I love you.

I really love you.

I mean I LOVE you.

Sure all the other girls at the Fortress-Convent they SAID they loved you but they were just skanky hos trying to get between me and my man who I love.

LOVE!

That's why I pumped Toxin Gas into the Fortress COnvent's life support. I had to show those skanky hos my love for you.

LOVE!

I took the Convent's courier ship and set course for Holy Terra. Soon we'll be together, it's destiny.

And if those stuck-up gold-plated @#$#ers try and stop my from seeing you I'm gonna take their @#$#ing pole axes and @#$# them up the @#$!

Because I love you.

Love,
Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina
Order of the Emperor's Love
Fortress Convent #69, the Shrine of Eternal Devotion

Dear Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina

Emporer Love is the very best kind of Love as all my loyal subjects know. I congratulate you on your overflowing affection.

However, your message does not contain a question, so I will reply with a question of my own.

Do you know the penalty for willful misuse of Imperial interstellar communications systems?

Look it up before you arrive on Earth.


Love 'n' kisses,

The Spase Emp!
XOXOXO (x2)



Dear Top Chap,

I am writing in on behalf of a close friend of mine, who is too embarrassed to ask for himself.

Do you think he should grow a beard?

What style goes best with dark blue Spase armour and a lot of bionics?

Yours non-hirsutely,


Carneus Malgar, Macragge, Realm of Ultramar

How do you grow food on an ice planet? An inquisitor, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to bring me along with him on a holy mission to kill some xenos on an ice world. I came along and, using my lasgun, fought to protect his person from the xenos scum. After we had finished, the inquisitor offered me any reward within his power. Being a humble, Space Emperor-fearing man, all I asked for was to see my family again. He proceeded to leave. Two weeks later, he showed up on the Ice Planet with my whole family! Truly his wisdom is great. Now that he's gone again, I'm wondering if you have any ideas as to how we're going to to feed ourselves, all along on this hostile planet. Thank you in advance, almighty Space Emperor.
Sincerely,
Frozen on an Ice World.

First build a greenhouse them melt the ice using a lasgun.
Da space empra

Dear spacBLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE KILL KILL KILL
-khran

Dear Top Chap,

I am writing in on behalf of a close friend of mine, who is too embarrassed to ask for himself.

Do you think he should grow a beard?

What style goes best with dark blue Spase armour and a lot of bionics?

Yours non-hirsutely,


Carneus Malgar, Macragge

Dear Marneus, I mean Carneus,

A crisp goatee is the best kind of beard, except that everyone knows it means you are your evil twin from a parallel universe, so don’t do that. It won’t work for a Spase Marien. Everyone will think you are Choas and they'll want to check your rim.

I should go for a very long white beard like the guys out of ZZ Top. They’re cool. Also you should get one of those guitars which spins round in front.

Take my advice and give up on the piano. You’re not fooling anyone with the Liberace Marinz crap anyway, we all know the truth.

Yours, putting Wilkinson Sword out of business,


The Space Emporer.



The Spase Emperorr,

Enjoy more romantic nights...
Luxuriate with fems!

Energise your baby-maker,
Getting woody is simple.

You’ll go hard in a second
Romantic love!

Forge your huge love sword,
Become legendary macho.

Your woman will like your hose
Be her playmate tonight.

Give her furnace some heat
She’ll always feel it inside.

Drilling her until exhaustion? Easy!
Let passion prevail.

Yours, Cadian Pharmacy.

The Spase Emperorr,

Enjoy more romantic nights...
Luxuriate with fems!

Energise your baby-maker,
Getting woody is simple.

You’ll go hard in a second
Romantic love!

Forge your huge love sword,
Become legendary macho.

Your woman will like your hose
Be her playmate tonight.

Give her furnace some heat
She’ll always feel it inside.

Drilling her until exhaustion? Easy!
Let passion prevail.

Yours, Cadian Pharmacy.

Thank you for this kind letter. I would ask Sister Dominica Fideles Divinica Immaculetina to pick some up on her way over but it seems your question does not contain a question either.

The Imperial Fists will be stopping by to have a talk about wasting the time of your undead god-king. ANd lemme tell you, you don't want to be fisted by an Imperial Fist.

Thanks
E

Dear the Most Mighty Emperor of all of Space

I have been a company commander for many, many light years and seen battles on 1000 worlds (give or take, do we count asteroids or not? Cause if not it's just 887 worlds). During my time I have endevoured to learn all of the arts of war.

So recently as I planned a PLANET! STRIKE! against a chaos-held world I was shocked when one of my Sergents suggested we lead the assualt with Land Speeder Storms and Iron Clad Dreadnaughts.

I naturally corrected him, assuming he mean to say Land Speeder Typhoons and Venerable Dreadnaughts but he swore there was such a thing as a Land Speeder Storm and an Iron Clad Dreadnaught.

So I called for a techmarine to settle the arguement and some guy calling himself 'the Master of the Forge' came in. Well I had never heard of someone called the Master of the Forge before but he presented his credentials and did the secret handshake. Now he claimed he'd always been with the chapter but I swear to you I never saw the guy before.

ANyway this Master of the Forge character says not only is there such a thing as a Land Speeder Storm and an Iron Clad Dreadnaught but that we've always had them and used them in many battles.

Now Great Emperor of Space, I will put my hand on a copy of the Giga Codex and swear to you that in my centuries of war I have never seen nor heard of these vehicles.

What's more the Master of the Forge suggested I use Razorbacks with Assault Cannons. I pointed out that Razorbacks cannot get Assualt Cannons (and implied he can't be much of a tech marine if he doesn't even know that!) but he responded by rolling out a dozen RBs with assault cannons. Once again he said we'd always had them.

Since then I've brought this up with many of my battle brothers but no one wants to talk about it. The Chaplain forbade me to discuss it further with anyone in the chapter. So I turn to you, for you are the only one who can help me.

What's going on!?

Sincerely

Brother Captain Cortez
4th Company
Crimson Fists

PS, what happened to my special rules?

Dear Space Emperor.

Hi... it's been awhile? sorry to hear about the whole golden toil... I mean Throne!

I have a date today, and I wana hide the fact I am a Slannesh worshiper, now I know physically I can throw the gagged prisoner's away.
But any advice for perhaps visually? I have demonic wing's and wavy silver hair.

I want to impress her!


Your buddy
Shadowbrand.

Shadowbrand wrote:Dear Space Emperor.

Hi... it's been awhile? sorry to hear about the whole golden toil... I mean Throne!

I have a date today, and I wana hide the fact I am a Slannesh worshiper, now I know physically I can throw the gagged prisoner's away.
But any advice for perhaps visually? I have demonic wing's and wavy silver hair.

I want to impress her!


Your buddy
Shadowbrand.

Dear Here- I mean Shadowbrand.

Hiding the fact that you're a heretic is almost as despicable as your heretical nature itself. Shame on you! However, since once you were my servant, I believe I have advice which can help you. First off, lose the wings. They're a definite sign of daemonic corruption, which is a turn-off for the ladies of the imperium. I recommend careful application of Lascannon blasts at the base of the wings. Next, the silver hair. Provided it isn't all on your head, I recommend removing that too. If you don't feel like shaving, a Heavy Flamer works very well in removing those unwanted shaggy patches. I hope that this advice will help your heretical self find love. If you found this advice helpful, please turn yourself in to my most Holy Inquisition, who will go about repatriating you into the imperium.

Your Loving Space Emperor.


Dear Space Emperor,

First off, let me say that I'm a huge fan. I'm so excited at the mere thought of writing a letter to You! Anyways, I have a very important question for You. How can I tell if my Neighbours are Genestealers? I really think they might be. They come and go at odd hours of the night, and they never say hi to me when I'm in the hallway. Also, my poodle (we named him Russ, after the primarch) went missing in their backyard. I can't prove anything, but I'm pretty sure that when they remodeled their kitchen they replaced the stove with egg sacs, and their swimming pool looks more and more like a spawning pool every day! Please help!

Yours truly,
Fearful for my Genes.

Dear Space Emperor,

First off, let me say that I'm a huge fan. I'm so excited at the mere thought of writing a letter to You! Anyways, I have a very important question for You. How can I tell if my Neighbours are Genestealers? I really think they might be. They come and go at odd hours of the night, and they never say hi to me when I'm in the hallway. Also, my poodle (we named him Russ, after the primarch) went missing in their backyard. I can't prove anything, but I'm pretty sure that when they remodeled their kitchen they replaced the stove with egg sacs, and their swimming pool looks more and more like a spawning pool every day! Please help!

Yours truly,
Fearful for my Genes.

Dear ph34r

A very good and prudent question. What you must do is laundry. Yes, laundry. Wash your clothes and leave any blue denim pants on the line overnight. If they are gone in the morning then your neighbors are jean stealers and must be purged in fire.

Your partner in crime fighting
Officer Emporer
-------------------------------------------------
Dear my most wise master,

M'lord I noticed you did not reply to my question about how could we have ALWAYS had thunderfire cannons and land speeder storms but I never knew about them so I was wondering if-

KNOCK KNOCK

Pardon one moment someone is at the door.

Oh hello Inquisitor, how can I help - YAHHHH!!

OH MERCIFUL EMPORER! NOT THE RECTUM! NOT THE RECTUM!

ARG!

Love
Captain Cortez
Crimson Fists

PS what happened to my special rules?

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear my most wise master,

M'lord I noticed you did not reply to my question about how could we have ALWAYS had thunderfire cannons and land speeder storms but I never knew about them so I was wondering if-

KNOCK KNOCK

Pardon one moment someone is at the door.

Oh hello Inquisitor, how can I help - YAHHHH!!

OH MERCIFUL EMPORER! NOT THE RECTUM! NOT THE RECTUM!

ARG!

Love
Captain Cortez
Crimson Fists

PS what happened to my special rules?

Dear Captain Cortez,
I thought I made it abundantly clear: All my Space Marines are special, and don't require anything like 'rules' to prove it. P.S. Glad to hear that my legal team caught up with you regarding your lack of adherence to Imperial Mandate 7503324 Sec. 3 Sub-paragraph 31, which you'll find reads: "There are lots and lots of vehicles in the Imperium. Even if you've never heard of one before, you've always used it and always will, and each and every vehicle was the sole deciding factor in each in every battle there ever was, and of course the Imperium won."


Dear Big Cheese:

My new neighbor Thorsvald Thorson Lokibane Balladmuse Bighammer refuses to fence in his yard, and now his Thunderwolf has eaten my hand. Could you please enlighten me on the best way to enact the Leash laws?

Yours Truly,

Tyr.

Dear Big Cheese:

My new neighbor Thorsvald Thorson Lokibane Balladmuse Bighammer refuses to fence in his yard, and now his Thunderwolf has eaten my hand. Could you please enlighten me on the best way to enact the Leash laws?

Yours Truly,

Tyr.
dear tyr,
go to the armory on your planet, they will give you a lasgun use it on that in' hound

dear empreh!
why didn't the ultramarines protect my double headed eagle?, its a symbol of your emperah-ness
-inquisitor-serving-servitor-boring

dear empreh!
why didn't the ultramarines protect my double headed eagle?, its a symbol of your emperah-ness
-inquisitor-serving-servitor-boring

To: Inquisitor S.S. Boring
CC: Inquisitorial articulate correspondence committee, penal duties sub-section

Dear Inquisitor Boring,

I am indeed sorry that your personal aquila got damaged and that the Ultramarines were not present to prevent the loss, but you were lax in reporting this fact through proper channels at the appropriate time. We cannot be held responsible for basic user error, allowing for our calculations the duty battle group on station, and in sector, at the time of this unfortunate incident were in fact the 2nd Company of the Vermillion Slaughters Imperial Space Marines, chapter number 816. Your call for Ultramarines support needed to be logged through the Macgragge offices rather than the designated call centres placing the Imperial administratum under unnecessary bureaucratic strain. We can't have that, can't we Inquisitor?
Please remember for Adeptus Astates service you must now dial 01-555-KILL'EMALL and speak clearly after the tone, if you wish to use the automated service outside of office hours please wait and listen to the instructions; as the planetary subselection group option used to have the option to press 1 for Exterminatus and press 4 to arrange a bonus half-day public holiday. These options have been inadvertently switched during the implementation of an additional option 5 intended to include both of these benefits in reverse order.

Thankyou for your cooperation

The Big E.


Dear Spase Emporer of Spase

Our holy Imperial agony aunt fan mail of spase has been intercepted by some oddity resembling a bat winged grot. He has been appearing around of late not answeering questions and generally messing up the thread. Wont it be so much nicer if he is thrown to the mercy of the Dark Mods to be cleansed by excruciation?

Ilos Theplott

Dear Spase Emporer of Spase

Our holy Imperial agony aunt fan mail of spase has been intercepted by some oddity resembling a bat winged grot. He has been appearing around of late not answeering questions and generally messing up the thread. Wont it be so much nicer if he is thrown to the mercy of the Dark Mods to be cleansed by excruciation?

Dear Ilos: The Exterminatus has been ordered. Mine holy Inquisition shalt smite him with fire and with steel


Dear Space Emperor: All of your citizens are crying out for a change in government? Don't you think that a more open minded policy to cooperation with xenos species would benefit all of you--I mean us--in the long run? After all, shouldn't we do what is right for the greater--er--for the benefit of the majority?

Sincerely, John Notatau

jimsolo wrote:


Dear Space Emperor: All of your citizens are crying out for a change in government? Don't you think that a more open minded policy to cooperation with xenos species would benefit all of you--I mean us--in the long run? After all, shouldn't we do what is right for the greater--er--for the benefit of the majority?

Sincerely, John Notatau

Dear Mr. Notatau

Yes... yes... I like the sound of this a lot. Let there be peace between us and the vagina-headed fish men. Let the Tau come for a great peace conference in the Gud Fur Am Bush system. Let them come unarmed, in peace.

Heh, heh, heh.

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to say heh, heh, heh aloud. Forget that part.

The Big E

--------------------------------------------------
Dear The Space Emperor

I was raised a Puritan Imperialist like my daddy and my daddy's daddy I've murdered a mutant every monday.

But my neighbor was raised fundamentalist Imperialist like her mommy and her mommy's mommy she has waterboarded a witch every wednesday.

Every week I pass by her house and have to hear her heretical practices, sometimes they keep me up all night.

Do you think I should leave a polite note in her mail box explaining the problem?

Or should I form a mob, burn down her house and kill her for heresy?

Love
Purist on Pluto

Dear Purist,

Some people say the best kind of conflict is the one you never have to have. I say The best conflict is the one you only have to have once. May the household with the strongest faith in me survive. I'm sending you each 3 Platoons if Imperial Guard to resolve the matter. (To all you PPV addicts out there This will be broadcast on Imperial TV. Only 3,000 fattened psykers to watch)!



Dear Mighty Herald of all that is awesome and metal,

You have all the answers. What does it feel like to be so knowledgable that you never have to ask questions? I tried doing that and it just got me killed.


-Eldrad.

Dear Eldrad,

Frankly, it's kinda boring. For one thing, I can never read a mystery novel and wonder who the villain is.

-Teh Emperor
------------
Dear Emperor,

I suck at my job as Warmaster of Chaos. Can you give me some tips?

-Abaddon the Despoiler