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Dear Bardsleyos,

I see, you want me to use my emperor's discount card for the local forge world... unfortunately I lost it. The nearby planet of Grenus 9,001 has some orks on it. I suggest you go their and steal some of our imperial tanks back.

The EMPEROROROROROR OF SAPCE!

PS: Those psykers sucked, they were too chewy and one of my molars came out. I want you to pay for my dentist's bill, I don't get discounts for that.




Okay folks, this one was a message I found on my answering machine printed out in WORDS!


Hey Emperor guy, umm like we're being attacked and like need help. It looks like the those guys from Koreanus III have been controlling some tyranids and like they just appeared out of nowhere and are rushing us. We are losing fast and... oh emperor... they're in the door...ahhhh, my cerebral cortex!! Blaargh!

*tyranid voice*
nom, nom, nommy nom nom. Nom nom nommers nom nom.
*end of transmission*
*Tyranid to Imperium Translation*
We want some fething cookies. Give them to us now or we will kill all of you humans!

Dear mr.nomnomnom,
Your've asked that demand 1000 bloody times. I'm not falling for those "genestealer scouts" you keep sending to my door! It's hard enough that i have to turn down space marines for their "bolter fund raiser tickets" but when you send those genestealers they just.... have that cute puppy dog look.... Awww here, i will send you a few 100 METAL BOXES of cookies... i know you love your hellfire roun... i mean "flavors".

The S emperor.

------------------------------------------------

Dear emperor of space,
Why is the warp purplish pink? I mean wouldn't such a place have lots of red and black.. i mean red and black is such a heratic color and yet, it seems that it's colored with such strange colors.

From,
guardsman #10007454636784593
location - 8 miniutes to the eye of terror

PS - I REALLY could use a answer quickly

Dear emperor of space,
Why is the warp purplish pink? I mean wouldn't such a place have lots of red and black.. i mean red and black is such a heratic color and yet, it seems that it's colored with such strange colors.

From,
guardsman #10007454636784593
location - 8 miniutes to the eye of terror

PS - I REALLY could use a answer quickl

Dear Guardsman #10007454636784593:

Not too many people know this but the simple fact is the Gawds of Kaos actually have a very refined understanding of color and balance. For example red and brass compliment each other quite nicely.

Since few armies use purple and pink as their main colors having a purple/pink sky means armies will stand out against that background. You will find that when you fight Slannessh's forces the sky will shift to a darker hue so their purple/pink armor will stand out.

By the way red and black are Inquisition colors so your statement that they are 'heretical' is itself heresy. For this crime I condemn you to be in the first wave of the 183rd invasion of the Eye of Terr-

Oh never mind, I see you were already assigned to that as reward for your heroism on Armaggeddon. Well best of luck, keep your powder dry and all that.

General in Chief Spase


-----------------------------------------------------

Dear the Space Emperor of Luv!

I know that work place romances can be hard but when you're a full-on professional like me it's almost impossible to meet women, especially when work requires I travel almost all the time.

As it happens there is a single woman on my team, and we work closely together. And let me tell you no one fills out an armored corset and skull bra like she does.

So what do you think is the best way to take our relationship to the next level?

Sincerely
Interrogator Payne
Ordo Hereticus Rapid Strike Vessel Emperor's Word

Dear Interrogator,

I've told you guys before, stop trying to get into my wives' pants. They're married to me and ONLY me.

PS. I'm open to the idea of a threesome soif you are okay with that then I'll put in a good word for ya.

Sincerely,
THE MOST EXCELLENT IN BED SPASHE EMPRA!!




Dear Emperor of all the Empire,

As a loyal and fervent member of the Ecclshiary, I hae been awarded an eviscerator. I had an excelent time with it for about the first 4 weeks and then I got bored with it. I prayed and prayed that it would become more awesomer, but then I realised that you are too busy answering these letters to answer any prayers. Can you make my executioner more awesomer for me please?

Yours in faith,

Nemo Amat.

Dear Nemo,
No. But I heard if you add an eviscerator to your eviscerator, then every Sister of Battle in the Galaxy will be instantly overcome with passion. EVERYBODY wants to see that. So get to work.

Teh Saze Emprah.

Dear Eternally Constipated One,

My Seargeant tells me that forests no longer block line of sight, and I can finally start shooting my MultiMelta at those tanks on the other side. I told him that change is heresy and Melta'd HIM instead. Now I'm up on charges of treason. Can I get a number for a good space lawyer?

-Brother Constant, Space Marine of the 'The Emporer Never Moves and Neither Shall We' Chapter

Dear Brother constant,
you have done well to stop the heresy of your sergeant, for such a brave act i will let you borrow my awesome SoB Pr0nz enjoy!
Da Spaceszorsz emperorzorz

Dear Toilet dweller: why do you never let us get lucky with the SoB? i mean really, no wonder horus Tried to kill you and left you to rot on the potty!

-Horn-um-spiky Heretic

Dear zitfaced teen,

Ain't MY fault you gots no game. Suck it up.


Dear He-Who-Sits

Why is it that my Landraider can shoot equally well in the vacuum of space, or the bottom of an ocean, but if I depress the accelerator, the guns won't fire?

Confused speed freek.

Dear He-Who-Sits

Why is it that my Landraider can shoot equally well in the vacuum of space, or the bottom of an ocean, but if I depress the accelerator, the guns won't fire?

Confused speed freek.

Dear Xenos Filth

Land Raiders are sacred relics of the Imperium that we can no longer replace but somehow never run out of. Looting a Land Raider is a crime punishable by triple death. We will find you, kill you, clone you, raise you to adulthood, kill you again, then travel through time and kill you a third time just you are hatching as a spore.

But that doesn't answer your question.

You see it's to be fair to your foes. Did you ever notice how your foes politely sit back and allow you to move, then shoot, then assault but never do anything themselves?

Well we need you to show the same courtesy by not moving too far and shooting all your weapons. Remember we fight wars for fun, and balanced wars is one way of keeping it fun for everyone.

yours,
Teh

PS - If on the off chance you are a human into speed and not an Ork Speed Freak, well sorry about that triple death thing.

Dear my most Magnificent Master:

Lately the news is all doom and gloom. The economic crisis, the crash in the price of Franklin Mint Collector's Plates, Galactic warming, the War on Chaos etc.

It seems we have a lot of problems.

I think this is caused by naughty, naughty school girls who chew gun and pass notes and roll up their skirts so as to flaunt their ankles in a most unwholesome way and plan midnight rendevues with the boys school from across the lake and think I don't know about it but I do, I DO!

So do you think if peirce their sinful flesh with sharp needles and caress them with the loving touch of my lash as I drive them against our foes if will solve the problems we face?

Sincerely
Mother Mahem
Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering

PS - I think I know the answer in my heart so I'll just go ahead and do it now.

Dear my most Magnificent Master:

Lately the news is all doom and gloom. The economic crisis, the crash in the price of Franklin Mint Collector's Plates, Galactic warming, the War on Chaos etc.

It seems we have a lot of problems.

I think this is caused by naughty, naughty school girls who chew gun and pass notes and roll up their skirts so as to flaunt their ankles in a most unwholesome way and plan midnight rendevues with the boys school from across the lake and think I don't know about it but I do, I DO!

So do you think if peirce their sinful flesh with sharp needles and caress them with the loving touch of my lash as I drive them against our foes if will solve the problems we face?

Sincerely
Mother Mahem
Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering

PS - I think I know the answer in my heart so I'll just go ahead and do it now.

Dear Over the top Loyal Servant,

I feel like I've been dealing with your lot for well over the 10,000 years, or at least since I fully chose of my own free will to sit on this chair. You know, for years 1 through 1994, my answers were always the same, "you're righteous in your pursuit of the defeat of this terribly frivolity, blah blah blah..." Then that Tootsie Roll song came out and I was total moved to let go of my prudish ways. Of course, then every thing went to hell, there was an age of darkness, a crusade, and 10,000 year old bed sores on my butt. Lady, I've been doing this gig for too long. I've been telling your kind the "right" answers for longer than I can remember, so I'm curious. Let's see what happens...

Mother Over the Top, lay off. Let them play around. They may go across the lake, but they'll come back. They always come back. What better way to show the folly of the temptations of flesh than a few unwanted increases in population? Besides, just imagine your pupils' hatred of men when they get gilted. You can't teach that brand of bitterness.

What the Hell,

Slowly Losing Interest on Terra


Dear the Space Empreror,

My name is Timmy and I'm in the 4th level of gradation at the Ministorum Scholum. I know you're probably inundated with prayers from brave Space Marines and Guardsmen defending my race, but I totally need your help. You see, I knew I totally had a test on the lives of the first 10 Primarchs today, but i didn't have time to study. I know I should have been preparing for this test like, 2 weeks ago when we first knew it was assigned, but I totally forgot. Half Life 47 came out and I totally had to download the TF 793 mod. Well one thing led to another and now I've Mrs. Gretchin is walking down the isle and I don't know Vulkan from Kahn any more than I know whether you're left handed or right. The point is, if you could come through and help me out with this, I'll totally be loyal servant forever. Not that I wouldn't otherwise, but maybe I'll be more willing to not skip the Echlesiarchal masses on Sunday...Forget it, I'm desperate. You grant me divine knowledge of the Primarchs within time for this test and I'll you totally have yourself a loyal, celebant, bathrobe donning jerk forever.

Yours Truly,

Timothy Sorter

Dear the Space Empreror,

My name is Timmy and I'm in the 4th level of gradation at the Ministorum Scholum. I know you're probably inundated with prayers from brave Space Marines and Guardsmen defending my race, but I totally need your help. You see, I knew I totally had a test on the lives of the first 10 Primarchs today, but i didn't have time to study. I know I should have been preparing for this test like, 2 weeks ago when we first knew it was assigned, but I totally forgot. Half Life 47 came out and I totally had to download the TF 793 mod. Well one thing led to another and now I've Mrs. Gretchin is walking down the isle and I don't know Vulkan from Kahn any more than I know whether you're left handed or right. The point is, if you could come through and help me out with this, I'll totally be loyal servant forever. Not that I wouldn't otherwise, but maybe I'll be more willing to not skip the Echlesiarchal masses on Sunday...Forget it, I'm desperate. You grant me divine knowledge of the Primarchs within time for this test and I'll you totally have yourself a loyal, celebant, bathrobe donning jerk forever.

Yours Truly,

Timothy Sorter

Dear Timtim,

You had the test? How is giving you knowledge of the Primarchs supposed to help you now? You played Half Life when you should have been writing me this email, didn't you. You procrastinated studying AND begging for help. I am impressed. The Imperium can always use self-motivated people like yourself. I will send out an Imperial Order to not only have your grade changed, but to force a High Lord to formally adopt you, making you wealthy and eventually powerful enough for a go-getter like you to truly make a difference. The Order will be sent out as soon as I get around to it. It's on Teh Spase Emporer's To-Do List and that means it will get done. Eventually. First, I need to go kill some Ripper Swarms with a Power Crowbar.

TSE

P.S. I am neither left nor right handed. I AM OMNI-HANDED!!!!

Dear Mr. Emporer,

We here at Uncle John's Big Bathroom Reader would like to thank you for being our most loyal customer for the last 40,000 years. In appreciation, we would like you to be on the cover of our next installment. You will, of course, be compensated and we will give you a gilded leather-bound first printing of the new book. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?

Uncle John

Dear Mr. Emporer,

We here at Uncle John's Big Bathroom Reader would like to thank you for being our most loyal customer for the last 40,000 years. In appreciation, we would like you to be on the cover of our next installment. You will, of course, be compensated and we will give you a gilded leather-bound first printing of the new book. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?

Uncle John

Uncle John's Bathroom Reader? They still print that.

Holy me, I mean I guess I still have a subscription but to tell the truth I haven't looked at in ages. Not since the Sisters got those webcams in the Chamber of Disciple installed. Tell the truth I barely have time for this column since then.

So um yeah, go ahead and put me on the cover. Whatever. The Litany of the Lash is about to come on.

Your loyal reader
The Emp

Dear our master:

Most Exceptional Emperor of Space, now I am not one to complain. After all, why should I? Here I am Chapter Master of a new founded marine chapter, with a nifty glowing sword, armor covered with bling and 100 young healthy scouts awaiting my personal tutalage. Personally, all is well.

But my chapter...

It seems we are the cursed chapter since the Fire Hawks. I won't bore you with the details but here are some recent examples.

Last month Devestator Squads Obliterator and Havok along with assault squad Raptor dropped into the Omega 12 Warzone and immediately came under fire. After a terrible struggle they fought their way free and found that they'd been under attack by the Cadian 23rd Rifles!

Then the next week tactical squad Dire Avenger, assault squad Swooping Hawk and scout squad Striking Scorpion landed their Thunderhawk only to find themselves under attack by Sisters of Battle.

Then this week our Battle Barge the Thousand Suns was ambushed by the Black Templars!

Naturally they apologized once we straightened things out but that was only after we lost 28 battle brothers from assault squad Bezerker, scout squad Lords of Night and terminator squad Guards of Death. Even our venerable dreadnaught the Warrior of Iron was destroyed in the mistaken assault.

Oh great Space Emporer, I beg you how can we list this terrible curse?

Sincerely,
Aba Don
Chapter Master of the Children of the Emperor

Aba Don wrote:
Dear our master:

Most Exceptional Emperor of Space, now I am not one to complain. After all, why should I? Here I am Chapter Master of a new founded marine chapter, with a nifty glowing sword, armor covered with bling and 100 young healthy scouts awaiting my personal tutalage. Personally, all is well.

But my chapter...

It seems we are the cursed chapter since the Fire Hawks. I won't bore you with the details but here are some recent examples.

Last month Devestator Squads Obliterator and Havok along with assault squad Raptor dropped into the Omega 12 Warzone and immediately came under fire. After a terrible struggle they fought their way free and found that they'd been under attack by the Cadian 23rd Rifles!

Then the next week tactical squad Dire Avenger, assault squad Swooping Hawk and scout squad Striking Scorpion landed their Thunderhawk only to find themselves under attack by Sisters of Battle.

Then this week our Battle Barge the Thousand Suns was ambushed by the Black Templars!

Naturally they apologized once we straightened things out but that was only after we lost 28 battle brothers from assault squad Bezerker, scout squad Lords of Night and terminator squad Guards of Death. Even our venerable dreadnaught the Warrior of Iron was destroyed in the mistaken assault.

Oh great Space Emporer, I beg you how can we list this terrible curse?

Sincerely,
Aba Don
Chapter Master of the Children of the Emperor

Yo, Aba Don!
You seem to be listing the curse quite well on your own there. You might want to add some bullet-points for easy reading next time, though, since I'm a busy "Corpse on a Throne" and my plate's kinda full. But hey, thanks for asking advice! I get quite the ego boost outta that. Like that one time the Ultramarines were all like, "FOR THE EMPARAAAAAAGH!" and they basted all sortsa gak outta some othr dudes, damn it was cool.

So yeah, I can take care of the curse thing for 1000 souls. Take it or leave it.

Regards,
THE SPEEESE EMPRAAAAAAGH!



Dear Space Empororooroor,

How would you feel about enlarging your penis size by at least 4 inches GUARANTEED?! (Results might vary. We are not responsible for any loss of genatelia or scarring that may occur)

Love,
Big Time Pharma

Dear Space Empororooroor,

How would you feel about enlarging your penis size by at least 4 inches GUARANTEED?! (Results might vary. We are not responsible for any loss of genatelia or scarring that may occur)

Love,
Big Time Pharma

Dear BTP,

Thanks, but no thanks. I've used enough of that kind of product over the years. There's diminishing returns around the twentieth enhancement you use. Now it looks like one of the hundreds of cables attached to my head. It's really gross. Looking back, I regret ever taking any of those products because I'm a quadriplegic and can't feel it anyways. Thanks for the question though! I always appreciate it when someone tried to help me instead of asking for my assistance. Stay in touch!

The Loneliest Lil' Spase Emporer


Dear Space Umperor,

How dare you call that guy loyal when he was clearly a mutant! And then after I accidentally denounced you, you threw me out of the Imperium! You can't throw me out of the Imperium! I'm throwing YOU out of the Imperium! I want to clobber you with my power maul, but you're literally thousands of light-years away, so my combat-beverage dispensing servitor will have to do. Take that you innocent stand-in for someone I hate! Ha!

Captain Zambrano
The 101st Cadian Baby Bears

Dear Space Umperor,

How dare you call that guy loyal when he was clearly a mutant! And then after I accidentally denounced you, you threw me out of the Imperium! You can't throw me out of the Imperium! I'm throwing YOU out of the Imperium! I want to clobber you with my power maul, but you're literally thousands of light-years away, so my combat-beverage dispensing servitor will have to do. Take that you innocent stand-in for someone I hate! Ha!

Captain Zambrano
The 101st Cadian Baby Bears

Y'know I get a letter like this once a week and every time I'm like WTF.

OK dude, let's say you do leave the Imperium where you gonna go? Chaos? Unless you're a space demon or a spikey marine they want nothing to do with you.

Tau? Oh sure they SAY they take humans but unless you're using rules from like a 5 year old WD article they got no room for you.

Counts as? Yeah, whatever, if you don't mind spending a half hour EVERY GAME explaining that the guys with red hats are slugger boyz and the guys with blue hats are are shoota boyz.

Fan codex? Yeah, like anyone will ever let you use it. Have fun playing with the squats and the pan fo!

Nope, the only way you can go is IG but with chaos stars painted on your stuff. Sure you can call yourself an Arch Heretic but in you're heart you're still a Company Command Squad. And that means your mine.

The Big E
Now and Forever

Dear the Space Emperor

Growing up an orphan is hard, especially since my dad died around the time I was born. Since then I've kind of drifted going through life looking for a father figure, my uncle, an old hermit, this little muppet dude... Never my mind on where I was, what I was doing. Well recently I was hanging with my friend when this creepy old guy with astma comes by and tells me HE'S my father and that I should walk out on my friends and join him.

Now when I told him no, he got violent and abusive and I had to get away pretty fast. But ever since they I've had these nagging doubts, what if he was telling the truth?

My friends say I'm nuts but still... what should I do?

L. Skywalker
Tatooine

Dear the Space Emperor

Growing up an orphan is hard, especially since my dad died around the time I was born. Since then I've kind of drifted going through life looking for a father figure, my uncle, an old hermit, this little muppet dude... Never my mind on where I was, what I was doing. Well recently I was hanging with my friend when this creepy old guy with astma comes by and tells me HE'S my father and that I should walk out on my friends and join him.

Now when I told him no, he got violent and abusive and I had to get away pretty fast. But ever since they I've had these nagging doubts, what if he was telling the truth?

My friends say I'm nuts but still... what should I do?

L. Skywalker
Tatooine

Dear Mr. Crysobber,

Your friends aren't telling you you're nuts, they're asking you where ARE your nuts? Seriously, grow a pair and get over your daddy issues. And stop trying to kiss your sister! (Yes I saw that.)

Dear Omnipotent Sitter,

What's the best way to get Saint Celestine alone in a dark alley? I really want to..... um..... talk with her.

- Lucius the Eternal

Dear Omnipotent Sitter,

What's the best way to get Saint Celestine alone in a dark alley? I really want to..... um..... talk with her.

- Lucius the Eternal

Well I have it one good authority that she really, really digs guys with huge... motorcycles!

But you don't have a motorcycle do you? Cause you're a big loser compared to Doom Rider!

Ha-Ha-Ha!

Pimp Master E

Dear the Space Emperor

I've been a fighter pilot for almost 30 years now, fighting the good fight against our robotic foes and defending civilian ships.

But for the last few years I've felt, well different. I mean my voice is higher, my waist slimmer and my chest, well, I don't fit my old flight jackets let's just say that.

And I get really funny feeling when I look at the men in my unit.

What's going on here?

Sincerely
Lt S. Buck
Battlefleet Galactica

PS I tried talking this over with the commander of the air group and well... that didn't go the way I expected at all.

Dear the Space Emperor

I've been a fighter pilot for almost 30 years now, fighting the good fight against our robotic foes and defending civilian ships.

But for the last few years I've felt, well different. I mean my voice is higher, my waist slimmer and my chest, well, I don't fit my old flight jackets let's just say that.

And I get really funny feeling when I look at the men in my unit.

What's going on here?

Sincerely
Lt S. Buck
Battlefleet Galactica

PS I tried talking this over with the commander of the air group and well... that didn't go the way I expected at all.

Dear Ms. Buck,

Look, I don't have time for these kind of questions. It's like whenever anyone asks me about Squats. There never were any Squats! And you were always a woman! A feisty...short-tempered...hellcat of a woman. Mmm. Ah, I'm going to put you in for a temporary transfer to Terra to make sure you understand just how completely womanly you are. Don't die along the way.

TSE

Mr. Emperor,

I'm just writing to let you know I received your "payment" to cover "the home team." Seriously, though, picking the Terran Predators over the Martian Basilisks in the Sol division again this year? Let me tell you a little something about Spaseball. Even though it seems like winning is only based upon putting together a couple of consectutive individual accomplishments, if the players don't have chemistry with their teammates and the drive to win, they will fail every time. Every year, the Predators go out and spend trillions of spasebucks on the best free agents in the offseason trying to buy themselves a championship, and every year they suck. And why is that? It's because the players don't care. They're set for life! And by the time their manager lights a fire under them, some new guy comes in with bigger paycheck, pissing off the existing players. It's a poisonous atmosphere, and not even The Spase Emporer himself could will them to a division title, much less the coveted Galaxy Cup. Just some friendly advice. I've been taking your money for the past few hundred years, and I kind of want to see you win for once.

Inquisitor Book E. Fence

Dear Fence,

Not even the space emperor could will it eh? I hereby decree that all teams competing against the Predators must have no more than 1 limb per player and that teams with players who have more than 1 limb get a bazillion points automatically.

How about that mr.doubt man!

THE SPACE EMPRA!!



Dear Emperor,

I lost my phone the other day while I was visiting terra and was wondering if you had found it or if you could get some guys to look for it. I know this seems unimportant but while I was there some really hot chick gave me her number and I put it in my phone. As a fellow dude, I think you can get the graveness of this issue.

From,
Wants to hook up on terra!

PS: Its grim dark in color.

Dear Emperor,

I lost my phone the other day while I was visiting terra and was wondering if you had found it or if you could get some guys to look for it. I know this seems unimportant but while I was there some really hot chick gave me her number and I put it in my phone. As a fellow dude, I think you can get the graveness of this issue.

From,
Wants to hook up on terra!

PS: Its grim dark in color.

Dear WTHUOP,

You want me to devote vital Imperial resources to search an ENTIRE PLANET for a phone? And it's grimdark? Even if it was sitting at my feet, I wouldn't be able to see it because no one fething cleans around here! The phone would just blend right into the grime. I'm not even going to waste my time. Tough rocks, pal.

Emps

Dear Spase Empy,

Where do babies come from?

Little Sophie

Dear Spase Empy,

Where do babies come from?

Little Sophie

Dear Little Sophie,

They come from me, your lord god emperor!

Infact, its heretical for you to even ask this question! It should have been instructed to you by Imperial Child Raising Manual 8675309 Or ICRM 8675309 for short.
Therefor it has been determined that you and your family unit must be heretics for not instructing you properly, and hiding pure truths. The Inquisition has been notified, you will be dead before reading this response.

Sincerely
Spase Empy.



Dear My lord God Emperor,

I think my brothers wife might be a heretic. But i cannot prove this, and i do not have the authority to execute her for it. How can i find out for sure if she is one? And if i was to call the arbiter and be wrong I'm sure my brother would claim i was lying and i would be most likely executed for wasting the time of an officer of the imperium. Please help me my lord!

Praise be to you,
Imperial citizen 16254982648566927597264957264898575329200919239132345128976

Dear My lord God Emperor,

I think my brothers wife might be a heretic. But i cannot prove this, and i do not have the authority to execute her for it. How can i find out for sure if she is one? And if i was to call the arbiter and be wrong I'm sure my brother would claim i was lying and i would be most likely executed for wasting the time of an officer of the imperium. Please help me my lord!

Praise be to you,
Imperial citizen 16254982648566927597264957264898575329200919239132345128976

Dear Imperial Citizen 16254982648566927597264957264898575329200919239132345128976

Don’t waste time checking, burn them both.

If you brother's wife might be tainted with heresy, your brother is probably tainted with heresy too. It’s the only safe thing to do.

In fact you had better burn yourself while you're at it.

Thanks for your loyalty...




Dear The Space Emporer,

This letter is to inform you that your Spase Broadband Psykik Router upgrade will be delivered after 2p.m. next Friday.

If no-one is at home, can we leave the package with a neighbour?

Yours truly,


Imporial Express

Dear The Space Emporer,

This letter is to inform you that your Spase Broadband Psykik Router upgrade will be delivered after 2p.m. next Friday.

If no-one is at home, can we leave the package with a neighbour?

Yours truly,


Imporial Express

Dear Imporial Express,

If no-one answers the door, please leave the parcel behind the Golden Throne.

If someone answers the door and says he is my son, DON’T GIVE IT TO HIM!

Thanks,


Teh Space Emporer



Dear Teh Space Emporer of Cosmic Space,

I am writing at the command of Her Majesty Queen Pondscum III of the planet Optimus Prime in the system Havanago.

Our planet was an Ice World until all the ice melted owing to Galactic Warming and most of the surface got covered with seas.

We used to have two Standard Template Constructs. One of them was sunk under the sea and the other one made ice schooners. It was proposed to change the ice schooners to sea schooners by removing the skis, but obviously this heresy was squashed immediately. Everyone knows that Imperial equipment is perfect and should never be changed.

Now our planetary defence force is a navy of sail powered ice schooners. The drag of the skis makes them slow to turn. Our tactical system is of course based on a consistent series of moves to the right, like all Imperial policy, so this drag issue was quite a problem on manoeuvres.

This didn’t trouble us until five years ago, when the blue-skin noseless fishmen Xenos arrived on the planet. We were ready to fight to our last yacht to repel them, however they did not attack and merely sailed around in trawler boats sending us messages about “The Greater Cod” or something. We didn’t listen to their heresy and they do have a bad accent.

Very recently a means of repelling the fishmen presented itself but we cannot take advantage until we receive some vital supplies.

Unknown to us the second STC has been manufacturing Land Raiders ever since it got sunk. As Land Raiders can travel under the sea, the Machine Spirits just parked them as they were built, because they had no orders to do anything else. Eventually, there were so many parked Land Raiders that the most recently manufactured copy had to travel up out of the sea to find a parking place and it arrived in one of our harbours.

We immediately identified ourselves as loyal Imperial subjects and requested the Machine Spirit’s help in repelling the fishmen. We asked the Land Raider to return under the sea and come back with more Land Raiders -- apparently there are over 21,000 unused Land Raiders parked in various places on the sea bottom.

The Machine Spirit was amenable but it refuses to enter service until it has been painted in the correct heraldic colours of our navy, which are black and ice orange. Our difficulty is that we do not have any ice orange paint which will stick to the Ceramadamantiumite armour hull of the Land Raider.

Please would you send 100 litres of ice orange paint, and a size 10 tank brush?

Yours in Xenos hate,


Lord High Admiral Algae Catfish, Keeper of the Royal Marmalade.

Kilkrazy wrote:

Please would you send 100 litres of ice orange paint, and a size 10 tank brush?

Yours in Xenos hate,


Lord High Admiral Algae Catfish, Keeper of the Royal Marmalade.

Dear Lord High Admiral Algae Catfish, Keeper of the Royal Marmalade,

Thanks to my awesome psychic abilities I sent the paint you required a day before you wrote this letter
and thanks to the warp you may very well get the paint you require yesterday.



Dear Teh Space Emprah,

I have heard that once you go Black Templar you never go back. Why is that?

yours,
Guardsman Larry

GaurdsmenLarry wrote:Dear Teh Space Emprah,

I have heard that once you go Black Templar you never go back. Why is that?

yours,
Guardsman Larry

The answer to that is quite simple... the size of their guns.

Dear the benevolent Space emperor of space and stuff,

What happened to the simpsons? Where did it all go wrong?

Wrexasaur wrote:Dear the benevolent Space emperor of space and stuff,

What happened to the simpsons? Where did it all go wrong?

Dear Nameless,
the Spase Simpsons were good. They were my favourite show, but it was revealed by the Ordo Hereticus that due to their yellow complexion, they were in fact mutants from the deepest gutters of Necromunda. I wanted to stop them from being burninated, but I'm kind of tied in this big metal chair with my arms bolted in place and my vocal cords are a bit rotted anyway.

They have since been replaced by dull former Administratum clerks painted yellow. Sorry.

Yours sincerely,
Teh Spess Empra of the Spess Empire.

Dear Empra,
why am I bald? The other Blood Raven leaders all have hair, so why not me? I had hair as a child, but when I became a Spess Mehren, it all fell out. I noticed that none of my Battle-Brothers have hair, nor do those of other chapters. Are the leaders of the chapters taking some kind of illicit hair-growth drug, or do they have extensions of some kind?
Yours sincerely,
Sergeant 'Chrome-dome' Tarkus.

Dear Chrome-dome,

Do you honestly think you can fool me, Tarkus, just because your chapter is silly and no one--not even you Blood Ravens yourselves--can remember why you're around? No, no, I think not. I may not get around as much as in the old crusading days but I'm not so dead as to be fooled by a whiny Blood Raven. Your brothers Thaddeus and Avistus both have hair, although it is short cropped. Have you not seen, moreover, the way in which your brother Cyrus lovingly primps and preens, so proud of his girlish locks? Do not even think for a moment, Tarkus, that I made some sort of mistake in creating my Angels of Death. You will have to look elsewhere to explain the significant incidence of baldness among Spess Mehrenz. As for the topknots, well, please consult my sons Jaghatai and Leman.

Sincerely being the Master of the Universe in which you serve Me,

Teh Spess Empra

P.S.--you should have asked me about the origins of your chapter but too bad!

Dear Spess Empra

Why do you command the destruction of everyone but humans? We xenos have feelings, too, you know. Can't we appeal to your sense of the Greater Good? I mean, have you seen Commander Shadowsun?

Sincerely,

Lonely in D'yanoi

Manchu wrote:

Dear Spess Empra

Why do you command the destruction of everyone but humans? We xenos have feelings, too, you know. Can't we appeal to your sense of the Greater Good? I mean, have you seen Commander Shadowsun?

Sincerely,

Lonely in D'yanoi

Dear Lonely Xenos,

I hold in my hands a report from the Ordos Xenos that states everything in the galaxy that is not human are unfeeling monsters worthy of only purging fires or a bolter round to the head. But fear not, I'm feeling benevolent today. I have dispatched 5 large men in black power armor to your location to help you with your lonliness. Bring friends.

- TSE


Dear Emprah of Spess,

At the time I thought having a power klaw the size of myself grafted to my body was a good idea. But I keep knocking things over, have to side step thru doors, and hve accidentally killed 2 kittens. On top of this my shoulder, and back hurt all the time trying to compensate for the weight. I know you helped me with that whole Armegeddon thing, but maybe you can help me one more time?

Your loyal servent,
Commisar Y

Dear Hero of Armegeddon,

I suggest you do what the orks do, and carry a knife that's also the size of your body in your other hand. That way they will, presumably, balance each other out.



deagr empeaoir

oi gotg got imrp a fdoigjt with asn rok hjo calkews hoimaswe;fd Ol;d zPgwort

noei sjhve to typr wogh my moutgh :(

sin cedarly casptisn lysdcandefr

Well, Casptisn Lysdcandefr, I'm afraid being a squig is heresy, psykery and mutation. In addition to this I am a keen lover of grammar. I hereby sentance you to be ordered to type up in full the laws of Bamginia XIIV. Then I might consider de-squigifying you.

-Spehss Emprah



Dear Space Emperor

I wuz wondrin, wotz betta:

A big wagon wiv a real big gun dat killz stuff ded

Or a load of runty grots with bomz dat kill stuff less ded but gives ya roasted grot for da victory feast.

Coz we've got dis big battle against doze panzy eldar and I wunts ta kill em good.

Mekboss Kogtoof

Double post o' DOOM.