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Dear Disgruntled,

You'll be happy to know that your husband and his regiment will soon be fightin a war to get rid of that pesky gunfire. He may die, but hopefully you have kids to replace him in the guard and they may get rid of those pesky orks too. If not, I'll send some virus bombs so there'll be no noise at all.

Your welcome,
THE SPASE EMPRA!!


Dear Space Emperor,

I was looking for my lost daughter when I heard that she had joined a sister's order. I tried to get her to come home, but she says that she's married to you so I guess I'm like your father-in-law or something. So, when can I get a ride on that golden throne I keep hearing about and how about sending your father-in-law some cash?

Sincerely,

Your Daddy-in-law

My Daddy-in-law,
You know, there's this really cool thing called the Astronomican you should come be a part of. I'd really appreciate it if you could, <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Go die, Yours truly,
T3h Sp4yce 3mpr0r.


Dear Space Emperor,
The other day, my Terminator captain was all like, "Teh Genestealers are among us!" and then I noticed he had these big claws, so I was like "TYRANIDZ!" and powerfisted him. Then I realized he just had Lightning Claws. Can I have a new one?
--Marneus
P.S. Send some cookies over while you're at it. We get hungry.

Dear Marneus,

Listen...Terminators are hard to train now that they have a labor union so I doubt that you can get one within a week. Plus they're heavy and shipping is expensive at 50 coins a pound. So the answer is no. By your post script I can tell you one thing.

Marneus, you ARE the genestealers.

THE SPACE EMPEROR OF AWESOME SPACENESS!!!





Dear Space Emperor,

All of my friends are converting to chaos because Slaanesh promised them a load of weed and hot babes. I told them not to, but they did anyways and now one of them has married a daemonette. The problem is, now they want to come over of Emperor's Day and I'm not sure if I should because my cousin who is coming is in the commissariate. What should I do?

In a pickle on Piclon IV

Dear "pickle"

You had the correct opinion all along. It was a terrible idea to go join the forces of Kaos, and especially Slaanesh, for that cult is the most dangerous of all the Demons. However, you should bring them over on Emperor's day, and we shall set their souls free and convert them through fire and pain.

Tell your cousin "congrats",

THe Grand and Glorious Emeror of All of SPACE!!!

Dear spaze empra,

My name is G-Dizzle Dawg, and I live on homeboy 3. My brothas and I were rollin through Ultramar the other day, listenin to our jamz, and we were told not to come by no more. Why are they hatuhs?

Peace,

G-Dizzle Dawg

Dear Gdizzledawg,

I imagine the issue that you ran into is your appalling lack of manners. Just look at how you signed off of your message! 'Peace'? 'Peace!'? I hate the word, as I hate death, all Chaos dudes, and you. This is the grimdark future, and there is only war!

You have also neglected to identify any of the many glorious things about my person. It is customary to kiss my butt in an inventive or at least thorough fashion when requesting answers to your questions.

I hope these corrections will help you to comport yourself more admirably in the future.

McSpace Emperor (The 'Mc' is often silent, or non-existent)



Yo Mightiest Emporer of All Spaze!

Look, I don't mean to be pushy, but when will we be released from your service? I know that we must serve even in death, but its been milennia since our entire chapter was blasted clear of reality. I can't even remember the last time I had spare room on my somewhat ethereal power armor for more skullz. I spend my days playing poker with Khorne, and my nights saving your warriors from certain doom by popping onto battlefields. If I really am to be damned for all eternity, can't I do it without this pesky armor? Let me rest or enjoy my retirement!

Cinderash of the Fire Hawks chapter

Dear Cinderash,

What's that? Do I hear a case of the "poor me's"? Get over yourself, you're dead and can't die so you are expected to stop other space marines from dieing. They're better than you because they're actually risking their lives while you just get sent back and can come back later. Let me call a Wambulance for you and get you some frenchcries!


Sincerely,
THE SPACE EMPRA!!! OF SPACE!! and some immaterium...





Dear All Holy Space Emperor,

I've been in the priesthood for almost a year now and the other priests are saying that I must perform "holy oral practices" upon their genital regions. I've been doing it but I think its wrong. However, I don't want to call them out on it so could you please help me out here?

yours in faith,

Brother Likadik

Dearest, sweetest Brother Likadik,

Do you question your brothers? Do you not think that I move through them as I move through you? Do not fear the heratic, for I shall send my forces to smite them! Do not fear the mutant, for my eternal fire shall purge them from this world! No not fear the chaffed knees and the gag reflex, for it is my holiness travelling down into your gullet to purify your soul.

See you soon!
xoxoxo

Teh Fabulous Space Emprah!


Oh mighty Space Emperor!

I am at a loss! Our Sub-Chapter of the White Scars has become too large and I have been given the orders to forge a new subchapter for your greater glory! But we have no idea what to call ourselves, what to wear as an insignia or what our colours should be! What would be pleasing to thy ears, thy sight, thy holiness?

Yours in duty and honour
Chaplain Squidinius

Phloop, you took my letter to a whole other world. That was one of the funniest things I have ever read so thank you for taking it to funny town via express shipping.

Phloop wrote:

Oh mighty Space Emperor!

I am at a loss! Our Sub-Chapter of the White Scars has become too large and I have been given the orders to forge a new subchapter for your greater glory! But we have no idea what to call ourselves, what to wear as an insignia or what our colours should be! What would be pleasing to thy ears, thy sight, thy holiness?

Yours in duty and honour
Chaplain Squidinius

[b]Dear Chaplain Squidinius,

Fear not! For my ormniport Omnipotty GODLIKE powers of naming stuff have come up with the answer, name your chapter the Juice Warriors, your insignia shall be a glass of freshly squeezed juice and your colours shall vary on company

1st Co. The Apple Company: Yellow/Gold all over with red/green bits to represent the skin of thine most holy applez!
2nd Co. The Carrot Company: Orange all over with Green Helmets
3rd Co. The Lemon Company: Pale Yellow all over
4th Co. The Lime Company: GREEN!
5th Co. The Blackcurrant Company: Purple and Red
6th Co. The Tomato Company: Red with Green Helmets (Ask Commander Dante for advice)
7th Co. The Orange Company: ORANGE! (Not to be confused with 2nd Company)
8th Co. The Grapefruit Company; Pink with Flesh coloured bits
9th Co. The Cranberry Company: PURPLE! (Not to be confused with 5th Company)
10th Co. The Scouts are not holy enough to deserve JUICE!

Sincerely,
THE SPASE EMPORIUM Empra!

Dear the Empra of Spase

You must be lonely up there! Why not try and find a Spase Empress?

Sincerely
Matchius dotcommio

Dear Matchius,

Because she would probably nag me to death about just relaxing when the galaxy is in peril.

Sincerely,
THE AWESOMELY AMAZING SPACE EMPRA OF THE COSMOS!!!



Dear Space Empra,

Liberaci called, he wants his toilet back!!

GOT YOU SUCKA!!
-Bill

Bill,

His Holiness cares not for your insults. In fact, he hasn't even bothered to respond to your taunting letter, he's sent me to let you know that the hooker you were with last night was actually a sister of battle with a digivirus dispenser in her queenie. Yes, this is the future, we can do that here.
Enjoy your prolonged crotch agony, BEEEEAATCH!

Sincerely,
Doug, Teh Spayce Emprah's Mail Servator


-----------------------------


Dear Space Emporer,

What's up, dawg? Me an' mah homeboys got a bet going on about who you looked like before the whole "Rotting on a Throne" shindig you got going on. I mean, not hatin', you look pretty badass and all, but which 21 century celebrity did you most resemble?

Much respek,
Big Dawg ShayZee
Space Wolf Rapper Extraordinaire

Dear Extraordinaire,

I would have to say that I resembled Sean Connery in his younger years when I was young and Marlon Brando when I was older. Now I would say that I look like that Heath Ledger fellow from the batman movie.

Sincerely,
Teh SPASHE EMPRA OF space.



Dear Space Emperor,

Hi, I'm writing in regard of my cousin Bill. He wrote you a nasty letter I believe and you sent a sister to deal with him. Well, afterwards he went to the marketorium when all of a sudden his you-know-wot exploded and sprayed you-know-wot-wot everywhere. Oh, it also made a hole in the immaterium and we are now knee deep in slaaneshi and nurglings. Have you ever seen a combination like that before? Its hideous, terrifying, and some of the residents are doing you-know-what to the you-know-whos you-know-whats. Its disturbing and I really, really want you to stop it, please.

Sincerely,
Bill's cousin

PS: Bill says he's sorry.

Dear Bill's Cousin,
gak happens. I'll send a few dozen Warlord Titans over that way in a bit.
<3,
Teh Spayse Empirar

Dear Space Pansy,
If you're so omnipotent, why don't you get off your divine toilet and come kick our asses yourself?
Sincerely,
Karny

Dear karny(note:lowercase k),

I, the grand and glorious EMPEROR of all mankind do not care to kill the forces of chaos. As a God, I get others to show their dedication to me and do my work for me. Also I am dead.

the Spase Emperor of SPASE

Dear Space Emperor,

I need help with my squad of spess muhreens. They don't listen to anything that I say. Instead, they just laugh at me! Also, can I have a new warhound? They're so pretty!

HELP!,
Indrick Boreale

Dear Space Emperor,

I need help with my squad of spess muhreens. They don't listen to anything that I say. Instead, they just laugh at me! Also, can I have a new warhound? They're so pretty!

HELP!,
Indrick Boreale

Dear Indrick

The Adeptus Astres, my Angels of Death respect nothing more than good spelling and grammar, thus your problem is related to poor spelling skills.

Remember O before E, except after Z.

Teh Spase Emporer

Dear the Spase Emporer of Spase Imperialism:

Hi, I'm a loyal space marine (hurr!) from a pretty famous blue chapter. I love using my weapon. I love clutching it in my hands, feeling the power build until it throbs with energy and burns like fire and then releasing the build up in a fierce ejaculation of white-hot fury!

But the Chaplain says I'm enjoying it too much and now he won't even let me touch my weapon.

What should I do?

Your humble servant

Blastus Maximus

Blastus Maximus,

1. Decide whether handling your weapon is a cause for concern. Handling your weapon has become an obsession when it interferes with your daily routine and your relationships. If you find yourself handling your weapon instead of spending time on more important things on a daily basis then it might be time to break the cycle of behavior you are in.

2. Isolate the cause. There is a reason or reasons you handling your weapon excessively, and you must find out why. If you concentrate on just stopping handling your weapon then you will just return to your addiction after a short period of success. So, why do you handling your weapon? It could be because you are bored, lonely, hurt, stressed, or it could be because of pains from the past. You're going to have to get yourself in a relaxed state conducive to productive thought to really find out why you turn to handling your weapon. What are you trying to escape? Avoid focusing on symptoms. Saying you handling your weapon because it feels good is not the real reason you handling your weapon excessively. Dig deep into your feelings. If you find this part difficult you may need therapy to help you discover feelings you are not seeing clearly right now.

3. Deal with your feelings. Dealing with feelings correctly is a skill and may be a skill you have forgotten or need to learn. Feelings are the result of thoughts. How we interpret the world and ourselves in our minds determines how we feel. We decide how we feel about things. If you handling your weapon because you feel bored then it is because you decided to feel bored. Nobody made you feel bored. You did.

4. Change the thought patterns that are leading to excessivly handling your weapon. You can no longer see handling your weapon as a solution to your boredom or loneliness. The more you learn to enjoy your everyday life the less you will want to turn to handling your weapon.

5. Narrow down the times of the day that seem to be the biggest problem for you. Isolating the times of the day that you struggle the most can help you to focus your efforts better to overcome your weapon addiction. If you know you struggle most when you lay down at night then you can create a plan specific to that time of day, for example do not lay down. Maybe you need to exercise and burn some testosterone before going to bed. Exercise will also help you to be more tired and fall asleep faster. If you struggle at different times of the day or several times throughout the day then try to narrow down the times and the environment you're in when this becomes difficult.

6. Spend some time each day, perhaps in the morning, visualizing a new you. A more confident, sociable, outgoing you. It's important that you start reprogramming your brain on a daily basis. It may seem awkward at first but if you persist, you will become more comfortable with your new self-image.

7. Change your habits. You cannot overcome your weapon handling addiction so long as you are spending a lot of time alone in your bedroom viewing war videos. Get out and meet people. Form healthy relationships and perhaps find another outlet for your aggressive energy.

8. Have an emergency way out - When the wave of temptation comes you need to have a pre-planned emergency way out. Many people have found that snapping a rubber band on their wrist helps break the automatic thought chain that leads to handling your weapon. Of course you don't want to hurt yourself, just have something similar to get your mind off handling your weapon.

Hope this helps!

Doktah Spase Emprah
(Yes, I just edited this, but I thought it was applicable. A Spase Emprah doesn't have ALL the answers, you know!)

Dear Holy Space Lord Emperor King Dude,

I Can Has Cheezburger?

Sincerely,
Brother Kitty
Chaplian of the Pussy Brigade

Dear Phloop....

No you cannot.

Dear Teh Spase Emprah,

How does I impress the Sistahs of Battle?

From,

Ultra Dude, Dude of The UltraMarines

P.S: I can has Turtle Pie?

Dear Ultra Dude,

Carnal knowledge with a sister is one of the greatest things any living creature can have. It beats any other feeling in the world and nothing surpasses it. Too bad you can't enjoy it because your chapter has no organ to process the feeling. Only the Imperial Guard have that organ, we have to let them keep it because their jobs already suck.

Sincerely, THE FAIR AND ALMIGHTY SPACE EMPEROR!


Dear Space Emperor,

Listen, this Kharn guy is totally crazy. I mean its one thing when he kills some of your loyalists, but its unacceptable when he kills one of our own. Most of our chapter would repent and come back to your side if you just reach out and kill the fether.

Blood for the blood god, or emperor,
Troubled Khorn Follower.

Dear Troubled Kharn Follower,

Repent first, rejoin the Emprah, then the little homicidal asshat dies.


Dear Emperor,

I am an Imperial Guardsmen, and have been dating this really nice Sister of battle. Awhile ago she decided to do something different. I told her I was fine with it. Next thing you know, I am tied to my cot, and her Rpentia Mistress is standing over me, whipping me till my bones break. The next week we all have coffee to talk about it. She excises herself to the bathroom, and the Mistress and I exchange numbers. How do I manage to fix this situation?

Dear Anonymous Guardsman,

Next time you see the mistress, tell her that she is breaking her vow to me(the emperor) and stop hitting on my freakin wives you tart! Next time you so much as look at one, I am going to KILL YOU!

Sincerely,
THE SPASHE EMPRA

PS: I f---ing mean it.



Dear Space Emperor,

I really want to serve you in your name, but alas I am only a torso with a head. I have no arms, no legs, no money for augmentics and I only have one eye because I had to sell the other one for food. I guess what I am really asking is if you can rebuild me stronger and faster than I have ever been. Estimated costs go into the 6 million imperial credits range. Please help me, I want to be a space marine.

Sincerely,

Hopeful Lump.

Dear Hopeful Lump,
We always need more expendible Servitors in the Imperium. Prepare your mind for wiping and brace yourself, you'll be my personal flesh-robot prostate examiner.
Be proud that you have been chosen by ME!
THA SPEEEESSS EH-MA-PAH-RAH!

-----------------------------------

My Lord,

I seem to have grown SPIDER LEGS where my legs and, well, willy used to be. I thank you for the gift and that you helped me win the battle for the Soul Drinkers' soul, but can I have my willy back? It was kinda small to begin with, but at least I still HAD one...
Always loyal to your cause,

Sarpedon
Librarian and Chapter Master of the Soul Drinkers

Sarpedon,
I, being Teh Space Emporer, protects. But I can't protect you from catching something like that! Next time, I expect you to be a more responsible servant of the Imperium and wear a Ultramarine-brand protection!

PS, Please get in touch with the ordos hereticus and give them your location immediately. They wish to -speak- with you.



To The Space Emperor,
I feel the last moments of Sanguinius upon me! What can I do to prevent the Black Rage?
Sincerely,
Roidrage

To The Space Emperor,
I feel the last moments of Sanguinius upon me! What can I do to prevent the Black Rage?
Sincerely,
Roidrage

Dear Roidrage
Take some laxatives and sit on the toilet. The Brown Rage is the only cure for the Black Rage.
Your Superior,
The Empra of Spess

Dear Empra of Spess,
I am a Space Marine fighting on a dangerous planet called Chan IV. There are strange bipedal animals here, mostly naked, who seem to be under the sway of Slaanesh, as they have captured and are repeatedly raping the entire Scout company. They refer to themselves as 'furries'.

From the chapter, and the people of Chan IV, please help us! Send the Grey Knights! The might of the /tg/ Marines is not enough to hold them at bay!

Covering my arse,
Brother Boreale.

Dear Boreale,

I fear that Chan IV is much like the Eye of Terror. It is always there and we MUST set up permanant bastions against it. Unfortuantely, Chan IV is mostly in the Eye of Furry(not fury, furry). Stay absolutely put, I will be sending new and improved arse plates that NEVER open. Right now, the Grey Knights are busy with Chapter Master Sarpedon. Once they are done, they will go to Chan IV. Until then I am going to continue not looking at Chan IV.

Good luck,
THE SPACE EMPRA WHO DOESN'T LIKE FURRIES


Dear Space Emperor,

I recently won the local lottery, unfortunately the lottery was for who would be sacrificed at the next Emperors Day picnic. The sacrifice gets to have fun at the picnic and there are a lot of activitie including; Whack a CSM, Limbo, a barbeque, Ring Toss, Pin the Lightning Claws on the Terminator, and others. I don't want to be sacrificed at the end of it though, that would put a damper on my day and doesn't sound all to pleasant. Can you change it so that my mother-in-law gets sacrificed instead.

Sincerely,
Scared on Cornar IX

halonachos wrote:Dear Space Emperor,

I recently won the local lottery, unfortunately the lottery was for who would be sacrificed at the next Emperors Day picnic. The sacrifice gets to have fun at the picnic and there are a lot of activitie including; Whack a CSM, Limbo, a barbeque, Ring Toss, Pin the Lightning Claws on the Terminator, and others. I don't want to be sacrificed at the end of it though, that would put a damper on my day and doesn't sound all to pleasant. Can you change it so that my mother-in-law gets sacrificed instead.

Sincerely,
Scared on Cornar IX

Dear Steve,

A picnic, eh? I remember going on a picnic with my sons way back before the Incident. Of course in those days we called them "field lunches." Anyway, the highlight of the afternoon was the three-legged race. Leman tried running on two legs and one arm like a three-legged wolf, but Roboute would have none of it. He disqualified Leman for cheating. Angron and Fulgrim were paired together and they just could not get along at all. They came in last. Mortarion ate too much potato salad and threw up all over his partner Konrad before the race. Konrad didn't even act surprised. He just said that he knew it was going to happen and then left to wash his armor. Alpharius and Omegus were heavy favorites to win because those guys just always seemed to be on the same page. But Magnus predicted that Ferrus would win, and he was right. Won 20 spacebucks from Rogal, IIRC. How were we supposed to know Ferrus would show up with a technically legal bionic third leg? Oh, how I love three-legged races.

Then the Incident happened and I was stuck to this wheelchair, unable to three-legged race ever again! So I banned field lunches. Just recently our legal department was made aware that picnics and field lunches are one and the same, so we're working on banning those now too. So don't worry Steve. Even though you have to be sacrificed unto me, I'll get your mother-in-law when we exterminate your planet after banning picnics in two or three hundred years.

Teh Spase Emp.

Dear Most Holey of Holies,

I am writing back to report success! Earlier in this column I requested advice on how to deal with the Chimera Child and you suggested Using Tactics. Well it worked! We just threw the child into the river and fired our holy flamers upon him. When he turned into a Chimera, he sank to the bottom, never to return. Chimeras may be amphibious, but they're sure not waterproof!

But now we have another problem. We've recently decided to take our heretic burning online. Whenever we find someone whom we disagree with even slightly, we continuously insult them, also known as "flaming." But we find that this never actually kills anyone. It just makes them angry. So I ask you, Great Emporer, how are we supposed to kill people over the internet?

Canoness Berdina
Order of the Flame-Based Weaponries

Dear Cannoness Birdna,

Have you tried the Hedley Lammar way? Round up all the rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswagglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, gak kickers and Methodists you can find, then have them pledge like this,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoM-ZC7uNnc

to you. Then let them loose.



Also Blazing Saddles is now a holy movie by my decree.

Dear Teh Monkeigh Spase Emprah,

Why does GW hate us?

Master of Blades


Dear Teh Spase Emprah,

Why do you stand in the path of the Greater Good? We would be more then happy to recieve you into our Empire, and together we could forge a new destiney across the stars.

What do you say?

Dear Blades,

Why don't you just go sit in a corner and cut yourself. I don't like you either you bondage loving jerks.

THE SPACE EMPRA!!


Dear Tau Guy,

If you don't stop sending me this spam I'm going to have to show you my greater goods, ask your mom, she knows what they are.

THE SPACE EMPRA OF OUTER SPACENESS!!!!!ONE!!!!1!!





Dear Mr. Space Emperor.

Have you heard of this new thing called "Sham-WOW"? Its amazing, a warpstorm suddenly appeared above our planet and we just launched a sham-WOW at it. The sham-WOW soaked up the entire warpstorm!! Of course we now have a possessed sham-WOW that tries to kill us every other week, but it got rid of the chaos fleet heading our way. I'm telling you, you have to get some of these things.


Vincent on Informercia II

halonachos wrote:
Dear Mr. Space Emperor.

Have you heard of this new thing called "Sham-WOW"? Its amazing, a warpstorm suddenly appeared above our planet and we just launched a sham-WOW at it. The sham-WOW soaked up the entire warpstorm!! Of course we now have a possessed sham-WOW that tries to kill us every other week, but it got rid of the chaos fleet heading our way. I'm telling you, you have to get some of these things.


Vincent on Infomercia II

Dear Vincent,

Oh no. I'm not falling for that again. William from Infomercia Prime made these exact same claims about a similar product called the "Zorbee." So I ordered a few billion, but they didn't soak up any Warp. All they did was push it around some! A detachment was sent to get the Imperium's money back (and, you know, kill him), and they found a servant of Tzeentch hiding in his beard. We had to cleanse the entire planet. Are you following me, Vincent? Watch this. You're gonna love my Exterminatus.

The Ron Popeil of Space, Teh Spase Emporer.

Dear Human Leader,

We must commend you on your vast number of being assimilated into your collective. However, we are curious. Why do you not assimilate more? You could help so many untold billions to achieve the perfect balance of man and machine. If you aren't going to assimilate them, could we have some?

Resistance is futile,
Locutus of Borg

Dear Borg,

Get your own fething humans. I'm eati....err.. exploi...gah..USING my humans, thanks.

Spasey Mc.Space, Emporer of space.

---------------------

Dear Emporer,

It's me, General Markis Bardsleyos..... now the proud governor militiant of gregminster prime and general of the minsterstarian 1st regiment. I went to the outer reaches of where humanity was and i found this little old place. The people claimed me as a king and pleged full devotion to me and yourself. After teaching the people of gregminster prime about yourself, spase and the imperium. They were more than happy to gladly pick up lasguns and flak armor and fight in your name. While sending this letter you should had also received the nice batch of slaves, pkyers (i know you love your food ;P) and gold.

While it is glorius the new regiment, i've seemed to have forgotten to bring any form of armored tanks. With this major problem, i ask if you know any good forge worlds near by? Money/supplies are a little tight at the moment but what the emporer demands *hint**hint*

Serving in your name,
Governor militiant Markis Bardsleyos