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Dear Teh Space Emperor,

I was recently promoted to Gunner of a Landspeeder and I find that I sometimes don't agree with my sgt's choice of music. At first I thought ancient pre-unification Terra Rap was an interesting classical choice, but he listens to the same CD over and over and over again. It drives me so batty that I want to punch the [/b]cassette player[/b], but then I'd piss off Brother-Mechanic Malacai in the motor pool and 80 hours of Whoop Der it Is beats a servo-arm up the rear. Seriously what should I do? The last time I brought up possibly changing the music, my brother-pilot drove my side of the speeder into trees for 45 minutes. Now, I know what you're thinking, there's no way that I could be blue marienz, but I am, 2nd company too, you know, gold trim, so I need special and super quick help on this one.

1994!,
A Helmeted Space Marein

Dear AHSM,

Aww, dude's got Whoop Der It Is on cassette disc? I've only heard rumors about how they combine the sound quality and ease of use of cassettes with the shape of compact discs! See if your driver or a Techmarine friend you know can make me a copy of that and send it my way. I think that's legal. Whoop Der It Is is almost 40,000 years old so it should be public domain by now, right? And see if you can get me some MC Malleus, too.

Oh, about your problem. Suck it up, hater. Your enemies are Xenos, Mutants, and Heretics. Not pre-unification Terran rappers.

Word to your Emporer


Dear Most Holey of Holies,

A while back, a local Imperial Guard Commander's 10 year old son stole his father's Chimera and took it on a joy ride. He crashed it, of course, but right in the middle of a chaos ritual! The foul warp energies converged on the boy and his vehicle, but now whenever he gets hot, he turns into a Chimera! We code-named him Chimera Child. My Sisters and I attempted to destroy this abomination, but every time we shot at him, he turned into a Chimera and shot us back. We'd use other guns, but I just sold off all of our Exorcists to upgrade all of our guns to some form of flamer or melta. Oh, the irony! And since the Commander won't lend us two guys with an Autocannon, Chimera Child has decimated the ranks of my Mission. Please, Emporer! Have mercy on us and send us a guy with a krak grenade or something!

Canoness Berdina
Order of the Flame-Based Weaponries

Dear Most Holey of Holies,

A while back, a local Imperial Guard Commander's 10 year old son stole his father's Chimera and took it on a joy ride. He crashed it, of course, but right in the middle of a chaos ritual! The foul warp energies converged on the boy and his vehicle, but now whenever he gets hot, he turns into a Chimera! We code-named him Chimera Child. My Sisters and I attempted to destroy this abomination, but every time we shot at him, he turned into a Chimera and shot us back. We'd use other guns, but I just sold off all of our Exorcists to upgrade all of our guns to some form of flamer or melta. Oh, the irony! And since the Commander won't lend us two guys with an Autocannon, Chimera Child has decimated the ranks of my Mission. Please, Emporer! Have mercy on us and send us a guy with a krak grenade or something!

Canoness Berdina
Order of the Flame-Based Weaponries

Dear Canoness Berdina,

Thank you so much for your letter. It is always a pleasure to hear from one of my daughters. I only wish I would receive more such letters as yours, many of the letters I receive are on quite mundane matters hardly appertaining to the serious business of war and conflict.

As you know, during my mortal life of nearly 40,000 years and my recent immortal life of 10,000 years, I have had the opportunity of fighting in some of the best and fiercest wars of history. I have always won, except on one occasion when my judgement was somewhat clouded by personal feelings -- I won’t go into the details -- even so, a loss can be a learning experience; the hardest lessons are the best learned!

I feel confident in saying that I can impart to you some modicum of military wisdom which will help you deal with the problem of which you write. For it is a military problem, not a social or psychological one!

As an accomplished leader of troops yourself you no doubt have considered many plans for dealing with the enemy. I will not insult your intelligence by reviewing all the basic options you must already have thought of and discarded as useless in the current situation. Instead, I will reveal to you a secret which I have learned from my many centuries of warfare. It is a secret which some of the best commanders of history know, such as the mighty Angry Marines, or Marneus Calgar of the Blue Marines, and indeed many renowned leaders of Imperial Guard and other forces too numerous to mention. I hesitate to add, but the truth cannot be concealed, that certain heretical or even xenos generals have chanced upon some basic elements of this military technique and used it to achieve some small, local and temporary victories against the weakest commanders of my mighty Imperium.

So, to the point! My advice to you is that at all costs and chances you must always be very careful to Use Tactics.

The very best of luck with your campaign!!!


Your everlovin’ Emporer

PS: Please write and let me know how you get on.



Dear the Space Emporer,

I work as a propaganda producer in your holy Officiorum Veritorum, producing uplifting vidcasts to reinforce the glorious message of your inevitable victory.

Naturally I do not dare to conceive the basic details of such holy messages myself. I merely do the technical organisation of the filming, editing, localisation into various languages and conversion to all Imperial video formats. The core content is specified by the Officiorum Veritorum Supremus, or the Marketing Department as we call them in low Gothic.

Sadly, it is near the end of the financial year and the Marketing Department have as usual overspent their budget so instead of commissioning work out of house to expensive agencies, they are allocating it to my department.

Naturally there is no budget available for music and so on, and everything must be done on the cheap. Even so, the Marketing Department expect it to have the same quality as an expensive production and be done more quickly because it is free.

My team resent having to punt out cheap trash because the Marketing guys peed away their budget on expensive crap, and we want something better to get our teeth into.

Do you have any advice?

Yours in hope,


Vidman Mike

Kilkrazy wrote:
Dear the Space Emporer,

I work as a propaganda producer in your holy Officiorum Veritorum, producing uplifting vidcasts to reinforce the glorious message of your inevitable victory.

Naturally I do not dare to conceive the basic details of such holy messages myself. I merely do the technical organisation of the filming, editing, localisation into various languages and conversion to all Imperial video formats. The core content is specified by the Officiorum Veritorum Supremus, or the Marketing Department as we call them in low Gothic.

Sadly, it is near the end of the financial year and the Marketing Department have as usual overspent their budget so instead of commissioning work out of house to expensive agencies, they are allocating it to my department.

Naturally there is no budget available for music and so on, and everything must be done on the cheap. Even so, the Marketing Department expect it to have the same quality as an expensive production and be done more quickly because it is free.

My team resent having to punt out cheap trash because the Marketing guys peed away their budget on expensive crap, and we want something better to get our teeth into.

Do you have any advice?

Yours in hope,


Vidman Mike

Dear Vidman Mike

Budget? What are these budgets you speak of? I have but to snap my fingers and liveried servants will bring unto me sacks of gold coins. And I need never worry for my wealth is prudently invested in Ponzi Schemes, Franklin Mint Collector Plates, Albanian Junk Bonds and a clever scheme wherein I bet that very poor people can afford to buy large houses.

Perhaps if you learned from the wise financial advice of the Money for Space Noobies to Buy Collectorplates (MSNBC) network would not have such problems.

Yours Fiscally
The Man in Gold

Dear the Space Emperor:

After my successes in defeating an army of Dark Space Elfs in Space all by myself but for the assistance of a dog and a clerk (and to tell the truth the clerk didn't do that much) I have been transferred from Trouser Snake Company to the elite One-Eyes Snake Company.

While I love my Battle Brothers will all my two hearts I find one small problem. The One-Eyed Snakes love to ejaculate loudly.

Now I have been known to ejaculate loudly when entering a hole or penetrating the rear, I find it good for morale. But these One-Eyed Snakes will ejaculate loudly even when in their bunks or when applying sacred oil to their throbbing lances.

I find it disturbs me in ways I cannot explain.

How can I stop the One-Eyed Snakes from ejaculating loudly?

Sincerely
Thrustus Maximus
One-Eyed Snake Company
Chapter 823 - The Iron Snakes
"Our snakes are like iron! Hurr!"

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Dear the Space Emperor:

After my successes in defeating an army of Dark Space Elfs in Space all by myself but for the assistance of a dog and a clerk (and to tell the truth the clerk didn't do that much) I have been transferred from Trouser Snake Company to the elite One-Eyes Snake Company.

While I love my Battle Brothers will all my two hearts I find one small problem. The One-Eyed Snakes love to ejaculate loudly.

Now I have been known to ejaculate loudly when entering a hole or penetrating the rear, I find it good for morale. But these One-Eyed Snakes will ejaculate loudly even when in their bunks or when applying sacred oil to their throbbing lances.

I find it disturbs me in ways I cannot explain.

How can I stop the One-Eyed Snakes from ejaculating loudly?

Sincerely
Thrustus Maximus
One-Eyed Snake Company
Chapter 823 - The Iron Snakes
"Our snakes are like iron! Hurr!"

Dear Brother Maximus,
Two things are needed for your Brothers
1) Ice
2) Boxing Gloves

Sincerely,
Teh Spase Emporer


Dear Teh Spase Emporer

I really love the imperium and all, but this REALLY hot Daemonette of Slaanesh moved in next door. She doesn't have a boyfriend as she sacrificed him, but I need to know, should I resist temptation?

Sincerely,
Beguilus Easius

Citizen

P4NC4K3 wrote:Dear Teh Spase Emporer

I really love the imperium and all, but this REALLY hot Daemonette of Slaanesh moved in next door. She doesn't have a boyfriend as she sacrificed him, but I need to know, should I resist temptation?

Sincerely,
Beguilus Easius
Citizen

Yes. The only way to be sure to resist temptation is to kill yourself, that way your soul will not be threatened with eternal damnation.


Dear the Spase Emporer:

I have a chronic itch in my groin area accompanied by a mild rash. Some of brothers do as well and refer to it as Guardsmen Itch. Is this a mild disease which I should just see the company medic about, or is this a sign of something like Nurgle's Pox? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Private Victor Tinactin
Tallarn 55th Regiment
Currently stationed on Maddenus IV

P4NC4K3 wrote:
Dear Brother Maximus,
Two things are needed for your Brothers
1) Ice
2) Boxing Gloves

Sincerely,
Teh Spase Emporer


Dear Teh Spase Emporer

I really love the imperium and all, but this REALLY hot Daemonette of Slaanesh moved in next door. She doesn't have a boyfriend as she sacrificed him, but I need to know, should I resist temptation?

Sincerely,
Beguilus Easius

Citizen

Dear Beguilus,

Sometimes, to make an egg you've got to crack a few omelettes. Yeah, that's right. I went there. It would be heresy not to wreck that hot Slaaneshi next door. Especially since it is heresy to live next to a Slaaneshi. Just, you know, make sure you're quick about it. You won't have your throbbing personal plasma pistol for long once my faithful Inquisitors catch up with you, and those Slaanesh creatures tend to have more than you bargain for. You ever hear about crabs? They are crabs! The worst case of CRABS INCARNATE!

Respect knuckles from,
Teh Spze Emporer



Oh most wise and merciful Emperor of Space,

I, Brother Larglutton of the most secretive of chapters (you know the one... 666?) have a question. I was recently detached to kill some dae.... Chaos Marines and worked with some members of the Holy Roses Marines Chapter. Their land raider smelled like fresh flowers, and they had somehow squeezed even more Space Marinez into it than we could! My 'Hurr' of joy quickly turned into a 'Huh?'. I always thought we were your favorites. Is it because we're all overweight? I've heard the rumors of Greyt Knights! You wouldn't keep a trim little figure after 1,000 years of service if you had to sit through a 666 course dinner each and every weekend! We need Landraiders of a new pattern... or at least with elastic waistbands. What can we do to get more marines in a landraider, my Emperor?


Sincerely,
Brother Larglutton of the Knights who are neither Black, nor White.

P.S.... Do you want some fried chicken? I do when I get stuck sitting anywhere for a few hours.

Oh! A Twofer!

Dear the Spase Emporer:

I have a chronic itch in my groin area accompanied by a mild rash. Some of brothers do as well and refer to it as Guardsmen Itch. Is this a mild disease which I should just see the company medic about, or is this a sign of something like Nurgle's Pox? What should I do?

Sincerely,
Private Victor Tinactin
Tallarn 55th Regiment
Currently stationed on Maddenus IV

Dear Private Tinactin,

Are you sure the 56th Regiment didn't just put some itching powder in your jock strap? No? You could try shining a lasgun on it. That's a good "soldier's remedy." If that doesn't work, aloeveramite medicates and soothes the skin, just don't overdo it or you might end up falling to Slannesh, if you know what I mean.

And if that doesn't work, just tell your friendly local Commisar. He'll take you to someone who'll help you out.

Boom!
No Error Space Emporer

Oh most wise and merciful Emperor of Space,

I, Brother Larglutton of the most secretive of chapters (you know the one... 666?) have a question. I was recently detached to kill some dae.... Chaos Marines and worked with some members of the Holy Roses Marines Chapter. Their land raider smelled like fresh flowers, and they had somehow squeezed even more Space Marinez into it than we could! My 'Hurr' of joy quickly turned into a 'Huh?'. I always thought we were your favorites. Is it because we're all overweight? I've heard the rumors of Greyt Knights! You wouldn't keep a trim little figure after 1,000 years of service if you had to sit through a 666 course dinner each and every weekend! We need Landraiders of a new pattern... or at least with elastic waistbands. What can we do to get more marines in a landraider, my Emperor?


Sincerely,
Brother Larglutton of the Knights who are neither Black, nor White.

P.S.... Do you want some fried chicken? I do when I get stuck sitting anywhere for a few hours.

Dear Brother Larglutton,

It sounds like you guys need to lose some weight. You should go on the Emporer's Excercise Plan! Purge the Heretic 20 times before breakfast, then Purge the Mutant 20 times before lunch, and finally Purge the Alien 20 times before dinner. If that doesn't work, Purge the Contents of Your Stomach after every meal. Just don't use a flamer or anything for that. You'll kill yourself. Anyway, you'll be fitting more Gray Nitez into your Land Raiders in no time.

The Space Emporer and Dietician


Dear Space Emporer,

My wife was nagging at me to get a job. She said I'm a pathetic human being because all I do is sit in a chair and eat psyker souls all day. But when I told her I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps, she left me! Please, Space Emporer! How do I get my wife back? (Preferably without leaving the chair. It is very comfortable, and there is a good Space American Football game on right now.)

Bart Allunger

Dear Space Emporer,

My wife was nagging at me to get a job. She said I'm a pathetic human being because all I do is sit in a chair and eat psyker souls all day. But when I told her I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps, she left me! Please, Space Emporer! How do I get my wife back? (Preferably without leaving the chair. It is very comfortable, and there is a good Space American Football game on right now.)

Bart Allunger

Dear Bart -

Don't get her back. She's obvious some xenos-worshipping heretic. The Inquisition is being dispatched to cleanse her, and anything she may have tainted. Please don't move, they'll be at your home shortly with the cleansing flames. If your belief is strong, you have no reason to fear it. If you do fear it, it's because you're a heretic and the Imperium is better off without your kind.

Dear Spase Emporer,

One of my co-workers was using the Emporer's blessed machine shops for 'side projects' for others in the hive, but not collecting and paying the proper tithes to your worshipfulness. I clubbed him to death with a spanner for his heresy and betrayal. When I explained to the Arbites how I was forced to end his thieving life, the Arbites did not believe me and instead accussed me of stealing the Emporer's most blessed tools and selling them on the black market. Now the Arbites are chasing me, and I have fled into the Underhive to escape them. How could the blessed Spase Emporer's servants fail to recognize my obedience and instead accuse me of treachery? Should I continue to hide and peacefully spread the Word of the Spase Emporer, or are these Arbites heretics who have fallen from the light and in need of purging? Please give me a sign.

With fervent worship,
Zak Branigan
Leyla Hive
Frye's World VI

Dear Zak,
You do realise that the Arbites check all mail that leaves your world?
Hope you get out of jail soon,
The Space Emperor

Dear Spess Empra,
the other Spess Mehreen ceptehns mahke fun of my speech impedehmehnt. I have had this problem evuh sence I was a child. The Blud Rehvens chaptuh is disgrehsed behcause of meh. How can I solve thes pruhblem?
Sensehrly, Inrick 'Spess Mehreen' Boreale..

(some people might not get it).

Cheese Elemental wrote:Dear Zak,
You do realise that the Arbites check all mail that leaves your world?
Hope you get out of jail soon,
The Space Emperor

Dear Spess Empra,
the other Spess Mehreen ceptehns mahke fun of my speech impedehmehnt. I have had this problem evuh sence I was a child. The Blud Rehvens chaptuh is disgrehsed behcause of meh. How can I solve thes pruhblem?
Sensehrly, Inrick 'Spess Mehreen' Boreale..

(some people might not get it).

Dear Inrick,

Just get angry and shout very loudly. That's what most Mariens commanders do.

Here's a picture to give you the idea.



It works even better if bits of spit and froth come out when you shout, so make sure to practice. If your mouth gets dry, carry a bottle of glycerine and take a sip when you want to start shouting.

Happy hollering!


THE SPACE EMP


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Recently a new gym opened near where I work at the office of the planetary Inquisitor. It's called Sweatbox Soho and it's men only.

I've seen lots of young men full of muscles, with short hair and leather clothes going in and out, they do look very tough!

Do you think the Inquisitor might recruit some of them for Spase Mariesn? Such lovely, muscley young men ought to make ideal recruits!

All the best for you next Galactic Crusade...


Clark Clerk

Kilkrazy wrote:


Dear Teh Space Emporer,

Recently a new gym opened near where I work at the office of the planetary Inquisitor. It's called Sweatbox Soho and it's men only.

I've seen lots of young men full of muscles, with short hair and leather clothes going in and out, they do look very tough!

Do you think the Inquisitor might recruit some of them for Spase Mariesn? Such lovely, muscley young men ought to make ideal recruits!

All the best for you next Galactic Crusade...


Clark Clerk

Sigh, I would shake my head sadly if it wasn't connected to a bajillion wires and hoses and wotnot. When will these kids today learn, I, the Space Emporer of Space do not have time to wait for people to 'train' and 'work out' and 'earn' their muscles. This is not the joyful light of the far past, in the grim darkness of the arrived present there is only war!

Real men don't waste months or years in the gymnasiumatorium. Real men, like the legendary heroes Sammy Sosa and Alex Rodrigues get their muscles from a bottle.

Your trainer
Coach Teh

Dear the all-knowing one:

I'm a huge fan! I have every issue of Emperor Comics, even the annuals and the miniseries. I even have a 1st printing of Emperor Comics #1, and let me tell you it cost me a pretty penny. I have to store it in a lightless, airlight box with a stasis field but I have it all the same.

So I have a question. OK, I mean Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman, they can all pretty much pick up a mountain and drop it on someone. Flash, he can run around the world a million times in a second. And Batman, he doesn't have any powers but he's the smartest, nastiest man in the world so you need him too.

But Aquaman?

I mean sure he can swim, but Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman can also survive underwater and probably are faster than him too. Sure he can talk to fish, but the Martian Manhunter is a telepath and Green Lantern's ring can translate any language.

So what's the point? Why was Aquaman in the Justice League?

Sincerely
Fanboy Numero Uno

Kid_Kyoto wrote:
Dear the all-knowing one:

I'm a huge fan! I have every issue of Emperor Comics, even the annuals and the miniseries. I even have a 1st printing of Emperor Comics #1, and let me tell you it cost me a pretty penny. I have to store it in a lightless, airlight box with a stasis field but I have it all the same.

So I have a question. OK, I mean Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman, they can all pretty much pick up a mountain and drop it on someone. Flash, he can run around the world a million times in a second. And Batman, he doesn't have any powers but he's the smartest, nastiest man in the world so you need him too.

But Aquaman?

I mean sure he can swim, but Superman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman can also survive underwater and probably are faster than him too. Sure he can talk to fish, but the Martian Manhunter is a telepath and Green Lantern's ring can translate any language.

So what's the point? Why was Aquaman in the Justice League?

Sincerely
Fanboy Numero Uno

Dear Superfriend,

Aquaman is a valued and powerful member of the JLA for many reasons.

1. Have you actually held a conversation with fish? They really do have a lot to say. YOU might not understand them, but be polite, fish have feelings too.

2. Have you seen the live action Aquaman pilot. Ooooh sexy!

3. Who else is going to sit in the passenger seat of the invisible jet?

4. (little known factoid) The mortgage for the Hall of Justice is in Aquaman's name....he IS the king of Atlantis you know, he's got more than a couple of pennies to rub together. You think Supes can pay that on Clark Kent's salary?

5. His pasta sauces are TO DIE FOR.

6. He's perfect for the part of Capt. Hook in the annual JLA play of "Peter Pan". Surpassed only by Batman's "boy who wouldnt grow up". (I think there's some freudian issues there, but this post is about the king of the seas so we wont go there)

-Teh Emporer


Dear Teh Spaize Emporer of Spaize,

I just saw the Milla Jovovich movie, Ultraviolet.

WTF were they thinking?

Thanx,
Uwe Boll

Dear Teh Spaize Emporer of Spaize,

I just saw the Milla Jovovich movie, Ultraviolet.

WTF were they thinking?

Thanx,
Uwe Boll

Dear Uwe Boll,

For every good movie that is created, A bad movie must be made to restore the balance. Only by keeping the balance can the movie Daemons be held in the Warp.

The Immortal God-Emperor




Dear Emporer,

I have to ask why the Forces of the Imperium have been battling each other with worrying frequency. I am aware that orders are sometimes contradictory, but surely your omni-potentness could prevent these disputes.

A confused Citizen

realspace3 wrote:

Dear Emporer,

I have to ask why the Forces of the Imperium have been battling each other with worrying frequency. I am aware that orders are sometimes contradictory, but surely your omni-potentness could prevent these disputes.

A confused Citizen

Ah yes, you might think so but in fact it is my will. You see according to the theory of Intelligent Selection (not to be confused with Natural Design) by making different groups fight I make them stronger, and thus better able to serve me. My plan (which is a secret, so don't tell anyone) is to make them fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight. Fight, fight, fight. Fight fight, fight. The Warhammer 40k show!

And the one guys who's left will go out and single-handedly purge the universe.

Sincecerly
The Natural Designer

Dear our most holy Father

I wish to thank you for sending your Adeptus Astres to the Conventof Eternal Chastity and Purity to defend us from the vicious Invioids who planned to attack us. We never saw the Invisoids and in fact found no sign of them which only proves what a dire threat they were.

Squads from the Iron Snakes, the Thrusting Sabres, the Long Hard Lances, the Throbbing Weapons and Randy Gentlemen all descended upon our defenseless home and spent several months here defending us and enjoying the hospitality of our cloistered sisters all of whom are between the ages of 18 and 24. They were very dilligent, carefully checking each sister's cell, sometimes several times a night. I must also compliment their energy.

In fact they stayed several months longer than intitally expected.

However since their departure many of my sisters have displayed strange symptons. Many have been sick each morning, and some have unexpectedly gained weight.

Is this is sign of a new attack by the dreaded Invisoids?

What should I do?

Sincerely
Canoness Virgina Immaculate Puritina Incoruptus
Convent of Eternal Chastity and Purity, Virgin's World, White Nebula

Dear our most holy Father

I wish to thank you for sending your Adeptus Astres to the Conventof Eternal Chastity and Purity to defend us from the vicious Invioids who planned to attack us. We never saw the Invisoids and in fact found no sign of them which only proves what a dire threat they were.

Squads from the Iron Snakes, the Thrusting Sabres, the Long Hard Lances, the Throbbing Weapons and Randy Gentlemen all descended upon our defenseless home and spent several months here defending us and enjoying the hospitality of our cloistered sisters all of whom are between the ages of 18 and 24. They were very dilligent, carefully checking each sister's cell, sometimes several times a night. I must also compliment their energy.

In fact they stayed several months longer than intitally expected.

However since their departure many of my sisters have displayed strange symptons. Many have been sick each morning, and some have unexpectedly gained weight.

Is this is sign of a new attack by the dreaded Invisoids?

What should I do?

Sincerely
Canoness Virgina Immaculate Puritina Incoruptus
Convent of Eternal Chastity and Purity, Virgin's World, White Nebula

Dear beloved daughter Canoness,

Or rather IDIOT!

I never sent any Adeptes to you. Clearly your immaculate defences have been attacked in close combat by Xenos beef bayonets, pork swords and spam javelins.

Did it never occur to you that Spase Mariens prefer the company of their Battle Brothers to a bunch of simpering girls?

Isn’t it obvious that an invisible enemy would find a visible body form the most perfect disguise? You should have suspected immediately.

There is nothing to do now except let Nature take its course. You must straight away send all your girls to the front line, where they can purge themselves of the Xenos taint by joining the ranks of an Imperial Maternity Punishment battalion.

Get some new girls, be more careful when you receive visitors in future, and above all, when you or your girls are best by certain... urges, you must take things into your own hands.

Yours in Me,

Teh Space Emp!


Der Space Emporer,

It was in the papers this week that a huge ball of plasma is going to vomit out of the sun, hit our planet and destroy all the electrical systems, leading to poverty, famine and the collapse of civilisation.

My question is what are the Spase Marienz going to do about this? It’s their job to strike like lightning, blow up essential infrastructure and paralyse all resistance!

Why are they slacking on the job so the sun has to stand in? I paid good taxes to have your holy Spaec Mareins do this kind of stuff. Are they wasting their time hanging out with a bunch of virgin Space Nunz or something?

Also the weather is very changeable and I’m worried my Magnolia tree blossom will be spoiled by frost. Could you do something about that too, please?

A loyal and aggrieved citizen,


System 7-11
The Galactic West Wing

Der Space Emporer,

It was in the papers this week that a huge ball of plasma is going to vomit out of the sun, hit our planet and destroy all the electrical systems, leading to poverty, famine and the collapse of civilisation.

My question is what are the Spase Marienz going to do about this? It’s their job to strike like lightning, blow up essential infrastructure and paralyse all resistance!

Why are they slacking on the job so the sun has to stand in? I paid good taxes to have your holy Spaec Mareins do this kind of stuff. Are they wasting their time hanging out with a bunch of virgin Space Nunz or something?

Also the weather is very changeable and I’m worried my Magnolia tree blossom will be spoiled by frost. Could you do something about that too, please?

A loyal and aggrieved citizen,


System 7-11
The Galactic West Wing

Dear Loyal

thank you for calling this to may attention. I checked up on it and yes, it does seem that we had assigned 3 Terminators from the Throbbing Weapons chapter to deal with this problem. Brother Sergent Lance Long, Battle Brother Rokk Hardd and Battle Brother Buck Neekid.

With their 5+ invulnerable save at least one of them should stop the plasma ball.

Unfortunately after a prolonged battle with the evil Invisoids at the Convent of Eternal Chastity and Purity the chapters has been striken with a most virulent strain of pox.

However, as the all-knowing, all-wise Emporer of Spase I have adjusted my plan. Although your planet will be reduced to barbarism and you will be speared on a spit and roased by your own children your hellish world will breed a race of warriors fierce enough to fight off Zoat Incurrsion of M43.

Rejoice in serving the Emporer's will!

Sincerely
The

Dear Mr. Teh Spase Emporer:

Here at Frank Kraut's Masonry and Tiling we've always said, 'No job too big, no job too small' but wowzers these specs you sent me sure tested that motto.

So we read your proposal for the 'GRATE WALL OF SPASE'


And um, yeah. We can do that. Here's how the numbers break down:

Our in-house astronomer tells me it would be 17,000 light years long. Now assuming the wall is 10' high and 20' wide the total volume of the wall (including guard towers) would be about 6.67*10^23 tonnes of stone. Which is about 4 times the amount of matter in the entire galaxy.

Now once we gather the materials construction will take about 10^8 years, which is around the date of the heat death of the galaxy.

Manning the wall is outside our purview but we estimate it would take 10^18 guardsmen, about twice the human population of the galaxy.

And of course military matters are also outside out purview but our in-house astronomer tells me that, although space looks two-dimensional on the map you drew, it is actually 3 dimensional. Chaos forces would be able to go above or below Teh Grate Wall of Spase.

All this being said, if you want us to go ahead, just put down a 10% deposit of 10^14 Golden Eagles (about three times the Imperial GDP) and we can start construction tomorrow.

Sincerely
Frank Kraut
Owner and operator of Frank Krauts Masonry and Tile
'No job too big, no job too small!'

Dear Frank,

Obviously you do not value your puny life. How dare you question the emperor and charge him for services. I sit on a throne all day to help you and I ask of nothing in return. If you cannot finish this wall by next Emperor's day, I will contact another organization that can.

I will help you in the quest to build the wall though, use tactics. If you use tactics, it doesn't matter if the wall is only 2D, the minions of chaos will not get by it.

-The Emperor


Dear Mister Emperor Sir,

I recently received a letter saying that I was recruited into the Imperial Guard. Not that I don't want to serve you, but I already volunteered and am a registered member of the Valhallan 16th as a conscript and the the regiment I was recruited into is the Tallarn 64th. I was wondering how I should deal with this issue.

-Sincerely
Gregori Petro
Serial Number: A38-512-111-295-044

Dear Mister Emperor Sir,

I recently received a letter saying that I was recruited into the Imperial Guard. Not that I don't want to serve you, but I already volunteered and am a registered member of the Valhallan 16th as a conscript and the the regiment I was recruited into is the Tallarn 64th. I was wondering how I should deal with this issue.

-Sincerely
Gregori Petro
Serial Number: A38-512-111-295-044

Dear Private Petro,

This is easy.

64 divided by 16 is 4. So spend one day out of five with the 16th and four days out of five with the 64th.

Travelling time is extra. There will be a lot of travelling since the two regiments are in different Galactic sectors. It’s about 6 months by Warp Shuttle.

I’ll get the Adeptes Administratorioriumates to give you a set of travel orders and a 100 years travel warrant. While I’m at it, I had better promote you to Sergeant because it looks bad for a conscript to be wandering around by himself. That will cover you for 2nd class fares, meals in transit, leave of absence for travelling between your assigned posts, and a new uniform with sergeant’s stripes on it.

Never say the Emporer doesn’t know his way around the Imperial bureaucracy!

Carry on, Sergeant.



The Greatest Military Leader of All Time.



Dear Top Man Of Spase,

I heard that there is going to be a new law to prevent criticism of religions.

Will the Witch Hunters be made to stop burning people?

I do hope not, because my mother-in-law is really annoying me.

Yours in Faith,

A Fervent Admirer

Dear Admirer,

The law of which you speak is currently in effect, but seeing as though the inquisition is above the law, they will not be stopping the burning of people. As to your mother-in-law, there is a grandfather-clause allowing you to criticize someones religion if their grandfather could've been criticized for his religion. Chances are her grandfather could've been criticized so you have a loop-hole here. Also, accidents are not considered to be criticising someones religion so join the guard and get a flamer or melta, take it home, see if it "accidentally" misfires when your mother-in-law is around. If it does misfire, then you are not to blame as it was only an accident.

The greatest lawyer of all time.




Dear Emperor,

My name is Timmy and I am 13 years old. Recently I asked you for a new bicycle that I could pedal with one leg. I was working in the manufactowum during my 14 hour work shift when my leg got caught in the macheenery and took it off. Welll, I changed my mind and was one-dering if I could have a pogo-pole instead.

Thankyou Emperor,
Timmy

P.S. Is the golden throne cold?

Dear Emperor,

My name is Timmy and I am 13 years old. Recently I asked you for a new bicycle that I could pedal with one leg. I was working in the manufactowum during my 14 hour work shift when my leg got caught in the macheenery and took it off. Welll, I changed my mind and was one-dering if I could have a pogo-pole instead.

Thankyou Emperor,
Timmy

P.S. Is the golden throne cold?

Dear Timmy,

Don't worry, have I got just the right place for you! You see, there's these Adeptus Mechanicus dudes which made my awesome (x2) Golden Throne that is Gold (and a Throne!). And they seem to be in need of a new Servitor on the planet of 31337. You'll fit right in. By the way, they stick out in their red robes and mechanical stuff so you won't confuse them with something else. And that leg you lost and that pogo pole you wanted? Why, it makes a perfect replacement! Jeez, I'm so smart I should be the Emproer! Oh wait! I am! Hahahahaha!!!!

-Sincerely,

Teh Spase Empra of Spase (x2)

P.S. Yes. It gets a bit drafty in the throne room. One would think that the Spase Emperor (of spase) could afford a couple heaters.


Dear Space Empror,

So like apparently I'm this thing called the Sensei, which means that I'm your son or something I guess. Why didn't you ever write? I've grown up my entire life without a father figure, and then I find out that it's because you're sitting on some dumb golden throne! All of the other kid's fathers played games with them and played baseball and stuff, and you just sat there! What the heck?! Plus, do you know how embarrassing it is to go to career day at school? I said that my dad was the Spase Emrpror, and they all laughed! What the hell!! Why don't you care about me?!

Your son who you obviously don't care about,

Willy

Dear Son,

It pains me to say it but I neglected you as a child after your mother called you after something a space marine finds in his jock strap.
And I know this sounds like I have been wasting my time ( considering the big shet is still trying to kill us- chaos) but I was too occupied to look after a child.

And you are quite wrong in thinking that I don't care about you because you are my son. But think of the other thousands of marines who call themselves my son.
Singling you out would result in another Horus balls-up again.

Your biological father,

Teh Spase Emporer.



Dear Spase Emporer,

I have recently moved into something my mates call the "eye of terror". All seems to be going well and the neighbours ( who just happened to be daemonettes ) warmly welcomed me. I have met lots of new friends but the thing that concerns me is.....

How can I stop that dastardly Forge of Souls from keeping me up all night!!

Yours faithfully,

Bob Marley.

Dear Spase Emporer,

I have recently moved into something my mates call the "eye of terror". All seems to be going well and the neighbours ( who just happened to be daemonettes ) warmly welcomed me. I have met lots of new friends but the thing that concerns me is.....

How can I stop that dastardly Forge of Souls from keeping me up all night!!

Yours faithfully,

Bob Marley.

Dear Marley,

I should have thought it was the Daemonettes keeping you up all night! Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!!!

Well, anyway, there is a marvellous thing called the Imperial Nose Abatement society. Simply cut off your nose, send it in and you will receive a coupon entitling you to the abatement of whatever nuisance you like.

Look it up on the Imperial Intertronitoriumariumitesimusimusariumomus.

That reminds of me of a joke!

“I say, I say! My Tau has no nose.”

“How does he smell?”

“Terrible!”

You may laugh uproariously, I thenkyew.


Teh Space Emporer.



Dear Teh Space Emporer,

I am so ***** ***** of all this *** *****. What the **** am I ****** supposed to **** ***** ****** about the ****** ****?

***** **** the ****** *****?
I MEAN ******** ****!

REALLY, ***** the ***** ****! What the ***** is all that about?


You know what I’m saying, you’re a man of the world.

Thanks for reading, any advice would be appreciated. I know what it’s like with piles of gold.


The Archbishop of Cadiabury

Dear Archbishop,

Why the **** are you ******** ******** when you can ******* get a ******* ***** and then *******? The ******* issue of ******** *** ******** is ***** ******* temporary. I ******* often ****** *******! You know what I mean?

Sincerely The Emperor of all Space.



Dear Mr. Teh Spaze Empra,

Your current lease on the model GT-18420438 throne has run out. If you wish to continue use of the GT-18420438, we need you to call our number found in the operator's manual and then mail in the required payment of 1,000,000,000.22 golden eagles and make a downpayment of 101 souls for the next year of service. Until the payments are made, we regret telling you that we will need to deactivate your throne. We also have a model BT-13321066 that is cheaper to afford but lacks the wi-fi in your current model, the back massagers are also not included. This costs significantly less, so give us a call and we'll try to sort everything out.

From, Heine's Thrones of Metal.

halonachos wrote:

Dear Mr. Teh Spaze Empra

Your current lease on the model GT-18420438 throne has run out. If you wish to continue use of the GT-18420438, we need you to call our number found in the operator's manual and then mail in the required payment of 1,000,000,000.22 golden eagles and make a downpayment of 101 souls for the next year of service. Until the payments are made, we regret telling you that we will need to deactivate your throne. We also have a model BT-13321066 that is cheaper to afford but lacks the wi-fi in your current model, the back massagers are also not included. This costs significantly less, so give us a call and we'll try to sort everything out.

From, Heine's Thrones of Metal.

Written reply

It's about time to update my throne anyhow. I've been looking at the online catalog and i've found that i've taken a interest in the XR-22164053 model throne. I theirfor wish lease this new model and is willing pay extra for it's speedy delivery (VERY speedy, damn imperium needs my shield agaist the demons... losy buggers).

ps - Can i have a NON sqeaking throne please. The last one deafened 3 of my techpriests. Also can i get the extra cup holders.

pps - And a faster CPU, thx

---------------------------------------------

Dear mr. mc'space emperor,

I'm a upcoming general in the imperial guard. I've been saving my coins(I dislike the use of "eagles". I prefer a term more akin to old times) for guardsmen, tanks and alsorts, along with one of those "primaris pskyer" chaps i've been reading about. Forgive me for asking but, i've come to hear that guardsmen recruiting will be down by 50% in the coming month.

Having done the foolish thing of NOT recruiting as many guardsmen as i can before the shortage, how am i able to resolve issuses with both the number of troops i command and the upcoming Imperial Guard reform that is to shortly follow.

Ever loyal,
General Markis Bardsleyos

Dear mr. mc'space emperor,

I'm a upcoming general in the imperial guard. I've been saving my coins(I dislike the use of "eagles". I prefer a term more akin to old times) for guardsmen, tanks and alsorts, along with one of those "primaris pskyer" chaps i've been reading about. Forgive me for asking but, i've come to hear that guardsmen recruiting will be down by 50% in the coming month.

Having done the foolish thing of NOT recruiting as many guardsmen as i can before the shortage, how am i able to resolve issuses with both the number of troops i command and the upcoming Imperial Guard reform that is to shortly follow.

Ever loyal,
General Markis Bardsleyos

Dear General Markis Bardsleyos,

First off, My name is the Emperor of Spase, nothing with "Mc" in it, and I agree with you about the use of the word coins instead of eagles. I also prefer to use the term coins, it was my pr guys who said to use eagles. However, now to your question. The easiest way to get new recruits is to go out and land on a far out planet of humans that is on the outer rim. Then you tell them its voluntary, you just have to join. You will soon have all the recruits you need!

Sincerely,
The Space Emporer

[i]Dear Space Emporer,

I recently had my best friend die beside me at the hands of another good friend that has joined chaos. What should I do?

Best Regards,
Private worriesly

Dear Space Emporer,

I recently had my best friend die beside me at the hands of another good friend that has joined chaos. What should I do?

Best Regards,
Private worriesly

Dear Private

Tell me about it! This one time I hear two of my sons squabbling, AS USUAL, I go in to tell them to cut it out and what do I see... #$#$ing Horus is there standing over his brother's dead body.

So I'm all liked WTF?

And he's like 'I didn't do it'!
So I'm like 'Well who did?'
So he's like 'I dunno', long story short things got a bit ugly.

The moral is, while you were reading this your planet was virus bombed. Better safe than sorry.

Teh

Dear the Spase Emporer:

Yesterday I was beating a Small Child with my Oaken Rod since the Small Child was Insolent. But as I was Beating the Small Child my Oaken Rod shattered! I told the Small Child's parents they must pay me damages as Oaken Rods are not Cheap. But they have said they do not owe me damages as I was the one who broke the Oaken Rod. But were it not for the Insolence of the Small Child the Oaken Rod would not be broken.

Who is in the right?

Yours in Faith
Irate on Io

Dear Irate,

Neither of you are in the right. While beating someone who is insolent is correct, you should've known better to use an adamantium rod or a rod that is charged with electricity. If you know that you happen to get a little whack happy while beating small children off of the trail of insolence, you should've used either one of the previously mentioned rods. An Oaken Rod is not a suitable rod for those vigorus beaters.

To make it short, you are both wrong and right. Buy a new adamantium rod and beat the family for being insolent.

Sincerely, The Space Emperor of Space.




Deer Spashe Empra,

We's was wunderin hows to maek a big chair likes the one yous got. We has a boss who we likes a lot and want to keepe em' around when e' gets all dead an' wat not. Of corse wes gonna make it red so it'll be fasta than yous. Wes gonna call it da "BIG RED CHAIR OF THE DEAD GUY WES USEDTA FOLLOW" and its gonna be so uge and so dakka dat it'll be da best chair of all.

Trooly,

Mekboy Snaggletooth

halonachos wrote:Deer Spashe Empra,

We's was wunderin hows to maek a big chair likes the one yous got. We has a boss who we likes a lot and want to keepe em' around when e' gets all dead an' wat not. Of corse wes gonna make it red so it'll be fasta than yous. Wes gonna call it da "BIG RED CHAIR OF THE DEAD GUY WES USEDTA FOLLOW" and its gonna be so uge and so dakka dat it'll be da best chair of all.

Trooly,

Mekboy Snaggletooth

Dear Snaggletooth

Well, I'm not exactly sure how we "made" the throne. I've kinda forgot what bit goes where and alsorts (damn my old age and pyker drinking habits). Anyhow, you just pop around old Heine's Thrones of Metal, they will fix you up nicely.

Sincerely,
EtS.

Dear Emperor,
I've begun to construct my own intergalatic empire and yet my small space empire is threatened by my previous colleages. What should i do?

O'Shovah

ps - Attack Ta'u with some space marines, they like space marines, kk thanks ;3

Superscope wrote:

Dear Emperor,
I've begun to construct my own intergalatic empire and yet my small space empire is threatened by my previous colleages. What should i do?

O'Shovah

ps - Attack Ta'u with some space marines, they like space marines, kk thanks ;3

Well Shaun (you misspelled your name BTW) the thing to remember is 9 out of 10 Space Empires fail in their first millennium. Heck a buddy of mine, he lost his Space Empire cause of a bunch of teddy bears. I mean really... WTF?

But you have some advantages, for one thing you're the only one of your whole race who can fight worth a darn. For another you'll all be eaten by tyranids by the year 50k so you might as well chill out.

Yours
The Most Successful Space Emporer of All Time
10 Millennia and still going strong!

Hey Spacey! It's me! The Galaxy Monarch from Universe Alpha!

What's up? Sorry I haven't been in touch lately but you know how things get for us rulers of the universe. But I was flying by that black hole near Alpha Centari and I remembered how we teamed up to fight Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom so I figured I'd drop you a line.

Not much new here. Remember that clone son I made? Boris? Well he says hi. He almost got corrupted by the Devils of Anarchy but luckily my other clone son Marcus the Blue (he says hi) picked up the phone and let me know Boris was acting strangely. Well we all had an intervention and talked him down. So now he's up in the Galactic North now taking care of some vagina headed fish commies called the Zen.

When you get a minute let me know how you're doing! We should get together and play tennis or something.

Yours
TGM

Kid_Kyoto wrote:

Hey Spacey! It's me! The Galaxy Monarch from Universe Alpha!

What's up? Sorry I haven't been in touch lately but you know how things get for us rulers of the universe. But I was flying by that black hole near Alpha Centari and I remembered how we teamed up to fight Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom so I figured I'd drop you a line.

Not much new here. Remember that clone son I made? Boris? Well he says hi. He almost got corrupted by the Devils of Anarchy but luckily my other clone son Marcus the Blue (he says hi) picked up the phone and let me know Boris was acting strangely. Well we all had an intervention and talked him down. So now he's up in the Galactic North now taking care of some vagina headed fish commies called the Zen.

When you get a minute let me know how you're doing! We should get together and play tennis or something.

Yours
TGM

Dear TGM,

Great to hear from you man! Sure has been a while eh? Yeah, tennis sounds good! Maybe next Thursday? Well, nice to hear from you! I thought we weren't buddies anymore, so I signed an order to blow your ship. Heh heh, my advisors said too, and, well, I didn't want you on my bad side so, yeah. You'll be dead on Friday. Anyway, see you later man!

Sincerely,
The Space EMPEROR of Space

Dear Space Emperor,

I have a complaint to make. The Orks in my sector are thoroughly annoying. There is gunfire all day long, and I can barely get the cleaning done. My husband, IG private Harris also agrees with me. Fix this problem please.

Disgruntled Housewife